Can we love someone whom we hate?
Hare Krishna Thank everyone of you for coming here today evening I'll speak today on the topic of Can we love someone whom we hate? Can we love someone whom we hate? So, in the Bhagavad Gita, the twelfth chapter, the thirteenth verse, Krishna says that an advanced devotee He says, advanced devotee has no enmity towards anyone no animosity towards anyone Those who are real bhaktas Krishna says that they are the friends of the devotee Now sometimes when we hear this kind of description we say this is love some saintly people can be like that but it's not practical I have so many difficulties in so many different relationships some people hate me I just can't get along with some people So, how does our spirituality shape or affect our relationships? To better analyse these terms I'll start first with an incident from the Ramayana which illustrates how love involves much more than what we normally think about So, in this class I have taken three parts First is, when I talk about can we love someone whom we hate I talk about five meanings of the word love Then I talk about how bhakti the practise of bhakti involves empowering us to choose the right understanding of love and then we talk about how we can practically apply this understanding of bhakti So, in the Ramayana when Ram is exiled to the forest Lakshman is furious and because of his fury he hears when they are in the forest and he sees when they have gone to Chitrakoot Chitrakoot, Adilke, Panjarama Ram's children Chitrakoot and there they see suddenly loud noise in the forest and then the forest starts clearing they start seeing Lakshman climbs up on top of a tree and he sees that there is the elephant of Ayodhya Shatrunga that's coming and then he sees the whole army of Ayodhya which is Bharat over there Lakshman blazes up in anger he climbs down and he says this wicked Bharat who is his mother he had you exiled but he is not satisfied exiling you now he is going to kill you with the whole army but he doesn't know that he will have to pass through and he and everyone inside will die at my hand so Ram stays very calm and he says oh Lakshman Bharat's love for me is as much as your love for me have you so easily forgotten that or is there something else going on with you is it that in a rush of sentiment is it that Bharat has offended you in some way because of which you are getting so angry with him or is it that in a rush of sentiment you agreed to come with me to the forest but now when the reality of the austerity of forest life is sinking into you you are resenting the idea that Bharat is enjoying royal luxury and you are in the forest and that's why your anger towards Bharat is coming out if that is the case then if Bharat comes here I will tell him to stay here and you can go back and do your thing now every one of these statements completely deflates Lakshman and then later on when this when Bharat comes and begs to Ram please take the king so normally if in a family a patriarch a wealthy father passes away then often there is succession struggle among the children I want the property so there is a succession struggle in the Ramayana also but the Ramayana succession struggle is not because of selfishness it is because of selflessness you take the kingdom Ram is serving Bharat, Bharat is serving Ram and finally on Bharat's insistence Ram uses Paduka his sandals there is a kind of fight between two brothers and one brother uses his brother's other brother's sandals other brother takes the sandals and beat him with his own brother's head so he beat his brother so the Ramayana has a different value system but eventually after Bharat goes Ram and Lakshman are sitting and when they are sitting together at that time Lakshman asks why do I get angry so quickly he is feeling guilty of how much he had accused Bharat and how utterly different the reality was Bharat had brought the whole army with him not because he ever had any intention of attacking Ram he knew that as a younger brother if he himself requested Ram would not listen to him and he would not be able to argue with him so in order to give way to his request he had got the sages he had got the leading citizens he had got the whole army just to say that this is not just my desire this is the desire of all of us please come back so when he realised how completely different Bharat's motive was and how judgemental he had been in thinking that Bharat had come with a murderous motive so he asks why am I getting angry so quickly so that time Ram replied you are sentimental so then Lakshman starts asking are sentiments bad so Ram replies sentiments are not bad they are actually the arguments of life but we need to choose those sentiments that take us towards Dharma and avoid those sentiments that take us away from Dharma so our emotions can be of different kinds not all emotions are good not all emotions are bad we need to select the emotions which elevate us and avoid the emotions which degrade us which bring us down so the emotions that inspire us towards the right action we need to nourish them and the emotions that impel us towards wrong actions we need to avoid them with this principle of selecting our emotions let's now go back to the starting question can we love someone whom we hate at first glance this question seems senseless love and hate we think are opposite so if I hate someone how can I love someone but the question is not can we feel love for someone for whom we feel hatred we are not talking about feelings alone the word love has multiple meanings so I'll talk about findings of the word love love as attraction love as emotion love as intention love as action and love as expectation so let's take this one by one so love as attraction so especially most of the movies most of the novels they talk about a boy and a girl they see each other and they fall in love now it's interesting that the phrase that is used is fall in love now why fall in love because when people are attracted to each other and they say that I saw someone and then I felt like an electric spark is going through my body I saw someone and I felt like the whole world has now become beautiful or whatever people start feeling like that so that is actually, there is attraction out there but that attraction is it can be based on the physical characteristics of a person it can be based on the personality traits of a person but that attraction is something which is based on selective perception we see one side of the person and feel attracted I was once giving a class in Brisbane and a girl asked a question after that why is it that traditional culture is against love this is our modern culture it is for love, you can have love marriages it is so favourable for love traditional culture is so much against love I said it's not like that first of all no, there is but your basic point was why are traditional cultures against love marriages why are they only for arranged marriages where there is no love I said actually it's not, first of all the nomenclature love marriage and arranged marriage is that what is the assumption that in arranged marriage there is no love they put it two opposite which is not necessarily right so two people face each other for the first time and they may I said love at first sight they may feel attracted but the question is for the longevity of the relationship not just what people feel for each other at first sight it is the longevity of the relationship that will be determined by what people feel for each other after many sights after many sights that will determine the longevity of the relationship that will determine the stability of the relationship so there is a lot of analysis nowadays of the psychology of love and psychologists nowadays say that actually when people say fall in love that that kind of love lasts for at the most two years so there is a romance romance has a bench life romance has a bench life of 18 months to 24 months so what happens when we meet a particular person the hormones start getting secreted in the body they start feeling very good in the presence of that person but after some time those hormones dry and afterwards that same person initially people say I can't live without you and then 24 months later I can't live with you laughter so what will happen actually when there is attraction yes it can be the foundation of love but it is not love in itself because love is not just attraction for love to be sustainable it has to be an act of intention so initially when two people are attracted to each other at that time it is not with the intent to love each other it is something which comes upon them the attraction which is there it is something which just comes upon them and as long as that force of attraction is there they feel we are in love but afterwards when the force of attraction decreases what happens one person starts finding faults with the other person the other person starts finding faults with the first person and then the whole love seems to evaporate but what has happened is the whole relationship was formed based on one conception that is attraction now attraction is important in love but that attraction is it has to be transformed into it's an attraction which just happened involuntarily it just happened but there has to be intention for that attraction to grow and stabilise let me take some other points about this come back to the point of intention later so love as emotion love as emotion means when we are in the presence of some person, may be the way they talk the way they look at each other the way they take care of us the different ways in which we feel that this person loves me and then in their presence we feel an emotion that I am loved over this emotion is often related with our expectation if this person does like this then he or she loves me if this person doesn't do like this then he or she doesn't love me so all of us have our own set of expectations about what defines love if there is a small child and the child sees a toy so I want that toy and the parents say no you don't love me at all so the child's definition of love is if my parents give me the toy that I want then they love me if they don't give me that toy then they don't love me so now in different situations as per our age as per our background, as per our likes we all have different expectations and based on that expectation that we have, we feel loved or we don't feel loved for example when a baby is born you know one of the very important ways in which a baby feels loved is through touch you know the mother the father, the other relatives they touch the baby, pick the baby and touch is a very important way in which the baby feels loved that's the main way that same boy when he starts having the teenage you know if the mother comes and hugs that boy in public don't hug me the boy thinks, oh my other friend is a mommy's boy he feels, I'm image conscious don't hug me so what has happened is the same person same expression but at one place it feels love, other place no you are treating me like a small boy I'm a grown up boy now I'm my own man so what happens in every situation there is a particular expectation and the other person, the mother may have a lot of love for the child but the child instead of feeling loved by the same expression of the mother hugging the child the boy may feel embarrassed why are you embarrassing me in front of my friends so what is happening the expectation has changed and so that means the emotion of love we feel differently according to different situations based on our expectations and sometimes we do not understand what the other person is expecting I'll come to this point about mismatching expectations but I talked about love as attraction love as emotion, love as expectation now love as intention and love as action love as intention means that we all have free will and by that free will we can make a decision to choose to love so when people say that sometimes they fall in love and they fall out of love what is that happening I mentioned about the use of the word fall because when we fall nobody falls intentionally we are walking on the street maybe there is water over there so falling is not an act of intention so when people fall in love or fall out of love it's not an it's unintentional it's an attraction because of which they fall in love and the attraction no longer is there they fall out of love so love can also be an intention that means in this relationship I am going to act lovingly so the marriages that are formed out of love or marriages that are formed out of arrangement which arrange marriages or allow marriages the initial attraction can be a stimulus but what will bring stability to the relationship, what will bring longevity to the relationship is the intention so when there is no conscious intention of doing something then something happens initially and after the feeling goes away the whole relationship evaporates so when we say love as an intention so going back to the starting question can we love someone whom we hate so when I talk about hate actually hate sometimes I feel is the opposite of love but hate is not exactly the opposite of love in a sense hate and love are two sides of the same coin of intense emotional investment when we are intensely emotionally invested in some person in some situation in some project in some relationship so that very intense emotional investment when it is positive it is love and when that same intense emotional investment is there and after that there is frustration of expectation so we are emotionally invested very heavily in a relationship we have some expectations from that relationship and when that expectation is not fulfilled there is anger so when we have desire desire means expectation when the desire is thwarted that leads to anger and when that anger gets gets concentrated within anger settles within and that becomes hatred same people I can't live without you I can't live with you get out of my life so what has happened repeated frustration of expectation which led to anger and that anger when it became coagulated it becomes hatred so normally hate and love are both two sides of the same coin of heavy emotional investment so can we love someone who we hate that means that we present in that interaction with that person we have strong negative emotions we feel frustrated we feel angry so love as an emotion is impossible because we feel hatred which is the other side of love so we can't feel love at that but we can still have an intention to act there is intention and there is action I was in Melbourne and I was giving a class after that one devotee asked me a question anonymous question devotee wrote chits and asked so one devotee asked a question if there is one devotee here who has told me that he doesn't like me and no matter what I do he will never like me so what should I do in this situation and if that devotee is here what would you like to tell that devotee so I explained that actually when we are practising bhakti our relationship with the other person is never our relationship with just that person in all our relationships there is God, there is Krishna and we act not just based on how that person is acting we act based on what we feel is Krishna in that situation and if we are simply you did like this to me, I will do like this to you if that is the only basis of our acting then where is the spiritual, where is the devotional element in our relationship I will give you an example to illustrate this say there is a cloth shop and there are clothes which are displayed over there and there are attendants who show the clothes to the customers now some customers are extremely picky sometimes they will look at 100 dresses and they will not take even one and then the attendant after that show me this colour show me this colour actually I don't want this dress and the attendant will get angry why did you not say first now all the 100 dresses have been taken out of the stand or hanger and I have to fold them again put them back on top, so much work so it's natural if a customer is regularly being obsessively picky looking at 100 clothes and not taking any then it's natural for the attendant to become irritated now if the attendant thinks that this customer is so irritating and the attendant bursts out in anger at one level it's a natural reaction irritating, just not taking just making life miserable for them but now the attendant knows you know throughout this big shopping there are cameras and my boss is watching and my boss also knows that this customer is a difficult customer and my boss will see not just whether I made a sale or not my boss will also see how I conducted myself sometimes the attendant may fail to make a sale but the boss will see oh you are so courteous throughout you are so gentle throughout you are so calm throughout you can handle tough people and that attendant may get promoted although attendant failed to make a sale still that attendant got promoted why because attendant conducted himself or herself not based simply on how the other person is acting how the other person acts is naturally one factor in how we respond but how the other person is acting is not the only factor that determines how we respond for the attendant the boss pleasure is the most important thing the boss is pleased, my salary is sure my job is sure, my increment is sure my promotion is sure so most of you got this analogy who is the boss Krishna so everything that we are doing Krishna is watching us and in naturally any relationship that we have we want the relationship to be mutually satisfactory we try to please that person that relationship is mutually satisfactory but sometimes the other person may just not be behaving properly so then how do we act in that situation to some extent that is the test of our spirituality if someone loves us and we love them back then even people who have no spirituality are also doing that so spirituality what does spirituality mean spirituality means essentially our capacity to see something more than the material spiritual is higher than the material spirituality means our capacity to see something more than the material at this material level this person is irritating this person is offensive, this person is negligent this person is irresponsible has so many reasons to be angry with this person but to be spiritual means to think of something else see that actually it is by Krishna's arrangement that I am in this situation it is by Krishna's arrangement that I am in this relationship it is by Krishna's arrangement that I now have to make a choice and either I can just explode at that person and by exploding I make things, most likely we make things worse usually there is a problem and we become angry actually our angry reaction usually makes the problem worse the problem gets aggravated when we become angry now I will talk a little later about how there are situations where we may need to act strongly but that should be again a choice it should not be simply a reaction you did like that so I will do like this no, we have our decisions are determined by our principles not others actions if others actions determine our actions then where are our principles you did like this I did like that we operate based on higher principles so when I said that can we love someone whom we hate that means that person acted in such a way that they have frustrated us we have so much negativity towards them so naturally in their presence just like if the customer is troubling the attendant, the attendant cannot feel cheerful or joyful when the customer comes but still that attendant can make an intention I am going to do this and based on that intention what happens is the attendant sometimes we say paste a smile on your face we paste a smile we don't feel like smiling but we smile they are courteous and often the intention when it leads to action that actually brings the emotion also how is that sometimes we wake up in the morning alarm rings and we have to wake up we just don't feel like getting out of the bed at that time our emotion is I just want to be here I want to sleep but somehow we just get out of the bed, wash our face and start doing something constructive we start feeling better so what has happened generally we assume that emotion should come first, action will come later I feel love then I will act lovingly but anything which we take seriously anything which is a commitment commitment means we do the action whether the emotion is there or not so usually we think love is emotion should precede the action that is love is the centre of emotion but if we understand love as an intention then the action precedes the emotion I act lovingly I act in a way that is courteous I act in a way that is kind and quite often when we act courteously when we act kindly then the other person also responds and then the relationship becomes warm and then we feel good also so now I will conclude with two points then we can have question answers first point is that in the attendant example all of us probably have colleagues in our office who are irritating now if we compare quite often we may have a colleague we may have a boss we may have some superior who troubles us a lot but still we we stay civil we stay civil but we come back home and a small provocation we just explode so why is it that often in formal relationships when formal settings we actually tolerate much more than what we normally tolerate in formal settings or rather the closer the relationship actually that relationship is much more important for us but sometimes in closer relationships we tolerate less in our office, in our job ok, that relationship is important but it's not that important we are able to tolerate much more over there that is because we often when it comes to office when it comes to job when it comes to formal setting we understand in itself that here I have to act responsibly so we go into that situation with an intention I have to act properly but when we come home when we are in close relationships actually we lower our guard this is just home whatever I feel I can do that but yes our feelings are sometimes indicators of our heart and sometimes our feelings are betrayals of our heart that means sometimes we get angry and there is anger to speak sometimes and you know we get angry and we speak something and that person has a phone and they record our speech and then after that they show us we ask them how could I speak like that it wasn't me it was someone else sometimes when people become angry and they speak and do some things and afterwards someone tells them you did that was it a ghost or photo shoot did some ghost enter into and make me speak and do like that how could I do like that so what happens when we lower our guard then the emotion rules us when the emotion rules us then we act indiscreetly we act self destructive so the emotion in love when people fall in love what happens is the emotion receives the action we feel attracted and then we go and do whatever it is but in any long term relationship it is intention that has to come first this is a relationship that is important for me I will do whatever it takes to cultivate this relationship and when the intention is there the action will follow when the action comes after that the emotion will come so the emotion is a root we expect it to be a root we expect it from the beginning sometimes it will be sometimes it will not be this is one point the second point I want to talk about is I talked about how in any spiritual relationship there is a third person that is Krishna now this is not just a matter of conception oh Krishna is there and I have to please Krishna actually we have horizontal relationships in this world with others and we have a vertical relationship with Krishna now no person from this world no matter how great they are no one can satisfy fully our hearts longing for love the person who can satisfy our hearts longing for love fully is only one person that is Krishna so we need a very strong vertical relationship a vertical relationship is developed by our practise of bhakti so when we chant the names of Krishna when we study the scriptures when we worship deities of Krishna when we come in the association of devotees of Krishna all this helps us develop our relationship with Krishna and when that relationship is developed then in our horizontal relationships we don't remain so emotionally we all of us need some sense of emotional fulfilment emotional reciprocation and if we don't have a vertical relationship with Krishna then our emotional the only way to fulfil it is through people around us and if they let us down if they disappoint us if they don't we just feel unloved, uncared, lonely helpless, hopeless so when we have a vertical relationship with Krishna which is strong then we don't become so emotionally needy we need the relationship it's not that we can live only with the relationship with Krishna we need relationship with the soul also but actually the less needy we are in the relationship the more maturely we can act in the relationship an example of how if a person is very emotionally needy that person just can't act maturely example of that is Rudrashtra and Duryodhana Rudrashtra was so attached to Duryodhana that he needed his son's his son's pleasure he needed his son's approval he needed his son's praise if his son was displaced he just couldn't tolerate it so he felt that what I did not get my son should get and he wanted his son to be happy he wanted his son to be happy and he just became blind to everything else he couldn't think that oh Pandavas are also like my sons they don't have a father they are respecting me like their father and what am I doing my son is treating me like an enemy and I am just consenting just couldn't think about it so when we are too emotionally needy in the relationship we can't act maturely and when we act immaturely then that makes the relationship worse worse so actually if we invest time in our vertical relationship with Krishna then that gives us some amount of emotional stability even in life this was something like this that was something like that Krishna loves me and if I pray to him my chanting his holy names I can feel the peace I can feel the joy in my heart and that becomes our source of stability with that source of stability we can tolerate the ups and downs in our horizontal relationships actually the result of a strong vertical relationship is that we can become more mature more responsible in our horizontal relationships and conversely if we have a horizontal relationship which is also conducive to our spirituality if you have friends who are spiritual sometimes say parents are religious, parents are devotees the parents come to a temple and then they go down in front of the lord and then the children come they look at what is my father doing what is my mother doing, they look at it, they also do the same they don't even understand that this is god and I am going to worship him all they see is ok my parents are doing it, let me also do it so here what is happening the horizontal relationship stimulates the vertical relationship because the parents are doing it so the child does it so like that same way in any relationship the ideal situation where the horizontal relationship and the vertical relationship are symbiotic that means the vertical relationship strengthens the horizontal relationship and the horizontal relationship strengthens the vertical relationship now in many situations this ideal circumstance may not be there but still the principle is that when we have a strong vertical relationship then we can become more mature in relating in our horizontal relationships because we are not so needy, we are not so dependent and we are not so dependent then love as expectation, love as emotion but when we see that actually I can love and serve God not just by how I chant his name, I can love and serve God not just by how I go with him, that's important but I can love and serve God also by how I deal with the people who are also parts of God, people who are in my life so then that gives us a higher intention for acting responsibly in our relationships and in that way whichever role we are playing, we may be mothers, we may be parents, we may be husbands, wives we may be brothers, sisters, actually we can become stronger, stronger in the sense of not being more angry or controlling but stronger in the sense of being stabler stronger in controlling our impulsive emotions and stronger in sticking to our higher emotions in our relationships if we are stronger in our relationship with Krishna and thus actually both these relationships can go together, so when a Brahmin told Lakshman we should select those emotions that bring out the good in us not the emotion that bring out the bad in us, that means in the context of relationship what brings out the bad within others, that which just makes us act impulsively, act vindictively, act angrily do we restrain those emotions, how? by the purpose of our intention, that love is not just emotion so can we love someone who we hate, that means that we can't feel love immediately but we're not talking about love as emotion, we can consider love as intention, I can decide okay this person is not acting appropriately with me but still I can choose to act appropriately, so love as intention and love as action, that is definitely possible, now it is not that in any relationship we always have to we always have another person keeps frustrating us and we keep trying to be good in that relationship, sometimes being good in the relationship also maybe this person is not reciprocating we keep a distance but that is not just an impulsive response that is a thoughtful decision, when we do it this way then even if that relationship doesn't grow we will grow, sometimes some relationships may not work despite our best efforts but we will grow, if we are acting impulsively that relationship will go and we will also go, you may think okay this relationship didn't work out, next relationship I'll try but actually the next relationship if we have not learned to process our emotions, manage our emotions the next relationship also is a problem, but if we have learned that the power of love as intention, love as action then sometimes the relationship may not grow but we will grow and in due course we will find in our life relationships that are enriching, relationships that are fulfilling and ultimately wherever we are we will have a relationship with Krishna, which will be supremely enriching and supremely fulfilling. I'll summarise, I spoke about what are the topic, can we love someone whom we hate, so I talked about five definitions of love or five aspects of love, what are they? Attraction, Emotion, Expectation, Intention and Action. So then I talked about the story of Ram, Bharat and Lakshman, so Ram told Lakshman that sentiments are good but what did he say about sentiments, yeah select a sentiment that take us towards Dharma and avoid the sentiment that take us away from Dharma.
I talked about love as attraction, you know when people say that they fall in love, so that means at that time attraction is there, that attraction is caused by physical characteristics, behaved personality traits or whatever but the attraction is not driven by intention, it is not a conscious choice, I mean external factors determine the attraction, over a period of time those external factors go away because that attraction is because of physical characteristics and then as the person becomes familiar he starts seeing the other side and then same people who have fallen in love, they fall out of love. Here love is actually, what is it? It is simply attraction but if the love, if the relationship is to go on then what is it? When love is simply an attraction then what is happening, we are saying oh this person is so beautiful, this person is so nice, this person is so caring, whatever it is, there is something about that person which we feel attracted to and then our expectation in that relationship is this person will be like this all the time, this person will be like this but when that person doesn't turn out to be like that, when the expectation is avoided then you become frustrated. So, when somebody says you don't love me, that means they are saying that I have a particular expectation of a language in which love should be expressed and that is not happening, so because of which I feel that you don't love me, I give examples of how different people may expect love in different ways.
So, what does the child think? Oh, if it is a little baby, they might touch it and adults say that it is my toy and the least popular say that it is my family, that is what I am going to have. So, very small babies, they feel love by touching but when that same child goes into teenage, they say don't touch me, I don't want to look like a baby. So, the expectation has changed.
So, what happens is there could be love but the expectation, other person will be offering love but the expectation has changed. So, there is an aspect of love and expectation and there is love as emotion. Love and expectation means I expect the other person to do this and love as emotion means in this person's presence, I feel like this.
The two are related but still they are different. What the other person should do and what I personally feel in that relationship. So, without a doubt, for the stability of a relationship, what we need is love as intention and we have freedom and we can choose to act lovingly and we talked about how when a devotee's relationship, in a spiritual relationship, spiritual means to see something more than routine and not just see how this person is acting and I'll act like that.
See, okay, what will please Krishna, what will please Krishna in this relationship? Just like the example of the attendant, the customer and the cross. So, if we act for pleasing Krishna, then we can act maturely and well that relationship may or may not grow but we grow by that relationship. We will grow by our actions in that relationship and for this understanding, love as intention and I discussed two parts that we need a stable vertical relationship because if we don't have a strong vertical relationship with Krishna, then we are too emotionally dependent on the other person and then we can't act wisely.
But if some amount of our emotional need, neediness is fulfilled through Krishna, through our devotion to Krishna, then we can act wisely and I talked about how horizontal and vertical relationships can be symbiotic. A horizontal relationship can make us stable in our vertical, a vertical relationship can make us stable in our horizontal relationship and our horizontal relationships can inspire us in our vertical relationship with Krishna and thus both can go together and sometimes this may work together, sometimes they may not work together but whatever be the situation, by having the spiritual vision, by seeing love primarily as an intention, not just as an emotion, not as an expectation, not just as an interaction. We saw that how in many situations, emotions follow actions.
I don't feel like waking up but if I wake up, after that I start feeling good. So in relationships quite often, it is action that we do based on the intention and the emotions follow after this. So by seeing love, not just as an emotion but as an intention and action, we can choose to act lovingly in whatever situation we are in and by that we can grow and whether in a particular relationship or in some other relationship.
If we act on the level of emotion then we will sooner or later be frustrated but if we act on the level of intention and action then we will grow and we will eventually find fulfilling and enriching relationships both in this world and ultimately the relationship with Krishna beyond this world. So our longing for love is meant to be fulfilled, it is not meant to be frustrated but for it to be fulfilled, it needs to be intelligently directed and that intelligent direction comes from the spiritual wisdom. So by spiritual wisdom, we all can find the fulfilment of heart that we are constantly longing for.
Thank you very much. So how can a person control one's emotions? Yeah, two things. First is that actually if we have a purpose that is higher than our emotions, something is really important.
See we are basically driven by emotions. We can't just get rid of emotions but what we can do is if we have a higher emotion then we can control the lower emotion. Sometimes say if I'm studying and somebody is disturbing me or somebody's talking over here, somebody's doing over there something, I just can't study at that time.
But if after one hour I have an exam and then I just study, this is important. If somebody's talking, I'll still be absorbed. I'll do something at that time.
If I can't go to some other place, maybe I'll put some earplugs, I'll cover my ears, I'll do something by which I'll focus. So what happens when something is important for us, that awareness of the importance of that thing helps us to put other things in perspective. So when you talk about controlling emotions, it is not so much like repressing emotions but it's more of seeing emotions in perspective.
This is more important, this is less important. And I'll ensure that I don't let the less important thing distract me from the more important thing. If we let everything that happens matter, then we don't let what matters happen.
Because whatever matters, we have to invest, we have to focus. So by periodically reminding ourselves of what is truly important in our life, we can have that awareness of priority. This is not important.
Therefore, this emotion is interfering with our focus. So basically, we study scripture and develop our intelligence, then we become aware what is more important, what is less important. That's the first thing.
If we have to control emotions, we need to be aware, our intelligence needs to be sharp and needs to be aware of the relative importance of various things. Just like say if I'm going for an important meeting and along the way somebody comes and cuts my car. Now I can get angry and I can shout at that person, I'll take you to the police, I'll punish you, I'll do this, I'll do that.
But in the process, I may be late for the meeting, I'll miss the meeting. This doesn't matter for me. It's not that important.
This is not a battle I will fight. I have bigger things to do in my life. So if we have that awareness of bigger things in our life, then smaller things won't make us so emotional.
That's the first thing. Second thing is that if we know that certain things trigger our emotions, then we need to prepare in advance. So that means, okay, with this person, this is just like, suppose, I don't think it's there in America, but in India some places we have bumpy roads or we have roads with potholes.
So now, if we know in advance, okay, this area, there's a road with potholes and we are driving at that instant, we are cautious. We will be watchful. We will make sure that we are not going to bump into potholes.
So sometimes we have to be careful. So when I know that there's a pothole over the road, I'll be careful. So like that, we all, if we observe ourselves, we can come to know situations in which we get provoked.
Situations when our emotions go wild. So when we come to that situation itself, we become more cautious. And sometimes we just pull out of the situation.
So that means, if I'm getting too, if I know I'm now coming to my breakdown point, then it is best to withdraw from that situation. Now, withdraw means, not run away, but it's a pause. And now we're back.
If a conversation is becoming too heated, just stop that conversation at that time. Later on, when we come back, we'll talk at that time. So basically, I'm just giving some examples, but the principle is, if we know our emotional trigger points, then we can plan how to deal with it.
So what is the emotional trigger point for me, will be different from what is the emotional trigger point for you. So whatever it is for us, we know in advance, we plan and prepare how to deal with it. When we do it that way, we can substantially minimise the problem.
And what we need to do at that time, is that we need to have some redirector for our emotions. For example, if I'm getting angry, at that time, I can have some prayers which I chant, utter, some mantra that I chant, some words which I recite, some picture of Krishna that I have, something which can direct our emotions positively. Something which can, my emotions are getting carried away in this direction, but let me direct them in this direction.
I can have some spiritual music. It just makes me feel calm. It makes me feel good.
So by that, when we redirect our emotions, then we can take control of this. And that means we can, so firstly by intelligence, we know what are the important things, and then we don't let emotions or small things interfere with the important things. And secondly, when we know our trigger points, we are cautious in dealing with them, and we plan how we could redirect our emotions towards something else at that time.
That way, we can act intelligently instead of emotionally. Any other questions? Sometimes we may chastise someone out of love, but that person doesn't understand that it was love because of which you chastised him. And then the relationship turns sour.
So what do we do at that time? Yes, in the Mahabharata, the question is raised, how do we decide what is right and what is wrong? There are three ways, three broad ways. There is intention, there is intention behind the action, there is the content of the action, the action itself, and there's a consequence of the action. All three are important, and all three can apply to different situations.
For example, as I said, we chastise someone, our intention was good. But if I find the consequence, that person got alienated from me, then okay, my intention was not right. So then we may have to learn.
We can't just assume that the right intention will automatically lead to the right consequence. Because there are many factors involved. At a very gross level, if I'm not a fool, it is said that the road to hell is often paved with good intentions.
So just our intention is not good enough. It is important, we need to have the right intention. But the right intention does not guarantee the right execution and does not guarantee the right consequence.
So we also have to have the appropriate competence, the appropriate situation for doing that. Now that means if we find that okay, we chastise this person and this had this effect, so this person got alienated, then we may have to do some other actions which show our love for them. So if say, say between parents and children, or in any relationship, a spousal relationship, the primary interaction is when we are telling, you did not do this, you did not do that, you did not do that, you did not do that.
Then what happens? Then another person feels, you are just nagging me. So there are often times when we need to correct others. But that has to be done in a setting, in a situation where people have seen other expressions of our love.
If they have not seen that, if they have not felt that, then they will just feel that we are fault finders. And sometimes we may feel, this is such a big problem, I have to correct it. But we have to see actions, okay, this person did something wrong.
And this wrong is a bad thing, it needs to be corrected. But sometimes in correcting that wrong thing, we may end up alienating the relationship. And then that person goes away from us and that person does further bad things.
Sometimes, in some cases, it is better to let people learn by consequences. That means, I am telling you because if you do this, it will hurt you, so don't do this. But we tell them and they just feel hurt because we chastise them.
In some cases, we just have to let people learn their own lessons. It is very difficult if you see someone going on the wrong track and we know that they are going to be hurt by this. But if they are not in a position to hear us, that means we have two things over here.
One is their right and wrong action and their right and wrong disposition towards us. So we have to wisely choose. It is not that just because we are in a relationship where we feel that we are wiser than them.
We may be wiser than them but they may not feel like that. So what we need to do is, we need to evaluate the dynamics of that relationship based on what happens. So if you find that this chastisement is alienating, then you have to put aside and just offer expressions of love.
And then sometimes people have to learn through experience. And if we have not alienated them in the process, then they learn through experience and then they come back and say what you said was right. But sometimes what happens is, if we say that this is wrong and still they do it and we have alienated them, then even if they realise that we were right and they were wrong, we say you are doing this, you are so proud, you are not listening to me, one day you will come crawling back on your knees and tell me that I was right.
Even if we turn out to be right because we have challenged their ego, even if they realise they are wrong, they will not come back. So what happens is, we can't just act in the relationship based on the specific action, this is right, this is wrong. We have to act in a relationship based on the longevity of the relationship, based on the stability of the relationship.
So Krishna said in the Bhagavad Gita, Anudvega Karam Vakyam Satyam Priyatitam Chaitanya Swadhyaya Advaitam Namah Chaitanya Vanmayam Takot Chaitanya. In 17.15 he says that austerity of speech means, first thing is, speak in a non-agitating way, speak in a way that does not agitate others. Second is speak truthfully, speak beneficially, but first thing is speak in a non-agitating way.
If we agitate others, it quite often happens that they just get closed. They get closed and they just can't understand what we are saying. So they need to feel loud and then what we say, even if it's harsh to take, they will take it.
How to replace envious thoughts with loving thoughts? Actually there is a fundamental understanding in Bhakti which if we can imbibe, we can substantially counter enemy. That is that whatever that other person possesses, which we are being envious of, we see that that thing is not that person's property alone. That is actually a manifestation of Krishna's greatness.
Krishna says in the 10.14 in the Bhagavad Gita that whatever is attractive in this world, it manifests the spark of my splendour. This means that somebody is more good looking than me. Somebody is wealthier than me.
Somebody is cleverer than me. Somebody speaks better than me. Somebody thinks better than me.
In all the situations, I may feel envious of that person. Again, when I'm feeling envious of that person, what is happening? I'm only seeing me and that person. Oh, this person has this better me.
Sometimes envy becomes all the more, what happens is that person doesn't have a quality, but still that person is respected. Why are you giving this respect? I can do this better than you. So now what happens is in this situation, if we are just seeing at the horizontal level, I am like this, why is this person like this? Why is this person having this quality or why is this person getting this respect? Then it's very difficult to deal with envy.
But if we see that actually above both of us is Krishna and Krishna, it is Krishna that one spark of Krishna's quality that is manifesting in this person. And this person is getting some praise, some way, whatever it is because of that quality. So if this little thing can attract so many people, Krishna is the whole.
How much more attracted to Krishna? If I become attracted to that Krishna, how much more joy I can get? So we can see others' qualities which cause envy within us as pointings to Krishna. So if we have this connectedness, okay, that will help us to decrease envy. But most importantly, we understand the principle that what determines our happiness is not what we have.
What determines our happiness is what we do with what we have. So somebody may have more intelligence than me, somebody may have better looks than me, somebody may have greater wealth than me, but whatever they have, that alone is not going to make them happy. If they are seeing it separate from Krishna, they say, oh, I look so good, oh, I am so wealthy, I am so clever.
If they are eye-centred, then they will not be happy. Because they'll always be looking, how many people are praising, how many people are appreciating. It's like sometimes we buy a new dress and then we come and if nobody notices the new dress, so what happened? So actually, when we are externally centred, if you're not Krishna centred, no matter how much we have, we will not be satisfied.
So I may have something less than what others have, but if I'm using what I have in Krishna's service, in doing constructive activity, then that will give me happiness. I may have little wealth, lesser wealth than someone else, but if I'm using that wealth properly, actually that will bring satisfaction. And that way, if we see the Krishna connection, firstly, of that particular quality with Krishna, it will manifest Krishna's quality, and then we see that actually whatever quality I have, materialistic notion is that whatever thing I have, I have to get it more in order to become happy.
But the spiritual understanding is, whatever I have, I have to use it better to become happy. And if I use it better, Krishna, by his mercy, he may give us more also. But we focus on using what we have, then we can become happy.
And all of us, if we look within, we do have enough to be happy. It's only when we look without and compare what I have with what others have, that is what makes us unhappy. I'll conclude with this point that, say now afterwards, we are all going to have prasad.
Suppose there is a special kind of feast. What is the speciality of the feast? That everybody is going to get different items. So now I have got a delicious piece of food, very wonderful items.
But instead of eating my feast, I'm looking, oh, what has he got? What has she got? What has he got? What has she got? Enjoy your feast. So all of us have been given gifts by God. But instead of relishing our gifts, sometimes we may have to discover our gifts also.
But we can discover and relish our gifts. Instead of doing that, what we do is, oh, what he has? What she has? What they have? And then we become envious. But if we focus on understanding what we have and using what we have, we'll find that what we have is enough to become happy in life.
Thank you very much.