How can we decide whether to try to change something or to let go?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
So, how do we decide when to try to change someone whether that attempt to change is in our control or it is not in our control? Yeah, I would say that this was a very broad outline of what I spoke today. In life, it is not so much that things are in our control or things are out of our control. We are often in shades of grey.
So, I would put it more like say the metaphor of playing tennis. In tennis, sometimes the player is serving and sometimes the player is receiving. When a player is serving they have a lot of control whether to serve in the forehand, in the backhand into the body of the player and when they are returning the level of control is very limited.
The returner can’t choose where to return from. Wherever the ball is going to come that’s where they are going to return. So, the returner also has some level of control.
They can decide whether they want to return the ball here or there but basic idea is to get the ball back into the court. So, now in life sometimes we are in the position of serving sometimes we are in the position of returning. Sometimes things depend on our initiative.
Sometimes we have to make things happen and we have that room, that capacity to do it. But sometimes we operate under constricted circumstances. Maybe our health is not good our social situation is not good our financial situation is not so good whatever it is.
Then, at that time we have to keep the ball in the court. Keep thinking about it. So, again there is some amount of recognition required when I am serving and when I am returning.
But the idea is that there are times in our life when we might just be in a position where the other person is not acting properly. I don’t have the influence right now. I don’t have the time right now.
I don’t have the relationship right now. I can’t do it right now. So, then I just keep working.
Keep the ball in the court. Keep things working. Later on, when a positive moment comes at that time I can connect better.
I can explain things, convey my point of view. And then hopefully that person will also respond more positively. So, rather than thinking only in control or out of control you can think more in terms of what is the best way to keep moving forward.
So, sometimes some situations handling them requires so much time and energy and thought that we don’t have it at that time. So, when I say things are not in our control it’s not really that it’s not in my control. It’s just that we don’t have the time, energy, thought to tackle it right now.
So, then we might decide to do it. In this particular aspect I am in a position of returning right now. I just keep things moving.
At other times when we are not so pressured we can focus on doing that. So, it’s more a matter of, as you rightly said, gauging. But to gauge it we have to have our overall purpose clear.
What am I here for? The way we get often misled is that when the circumstantial emotion sabotages our intention what essentially is happening is we let that emotion become the most important thing in our life. At least at that time. So, one definition of intelligence is to be able to see things in their proper perspective.
In terms of my overall role here or my purpose in life how important is this thing? And based on that basically in a situation if we are in an unpleasant situation we have three broad options. One is we change ourselves. Second is we change the situation.
Change the other person. Third is we walk away. Now, all these three may be feasible options at different times.
But to decide that we can’t decide just based on that situation. We have to also have a clear understanding of what is my overall purpose in life. This is what is most important for me.
Again, when I have my central intention very strongly clear for me then based on that this relationship is not all that important. So, if I can resolve it easily, fine. Otherwise, I am not going to waste too much time on this.
I can just handle it. Tolerate it and move on. But this relationship is important.
I want to spend a lot of time with this person. I would like to bond better. So, I will spend time in either changing myself or helping that other person change.
Sometimes a relationship may just be so messy and it may not really be important. I walk away from this. There is a difference between walking away and running away.
In running away we are primarily our consciousness is on what we are going away from. We just want to be anywhere except here. But in walking away where is the focus? I have better things to do in my life.
I have my own life. I have more important things. And this is not worth so much of my time.
So, I just walk away from it. So, by seeing the purpose, particular situation or relationship in the light of our overall purpose we will be able to decide how much we try to how we try to respond. Whether we change ourselves, change the situation or walk away.
And rather than see it in control or out of control we see it as a continuum and decide whether we are serving or whether we are returning and act accordingly. Does that answer your question? Thank you. Any other questions?