If our loved one is addicted to tobacco and still wears kanthi mala how can we help them?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

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Does it answer your question? If someone. Eats tobacco.
And is almost addicted to it. But is also chanting Hare Krishna. Then.
Is such a person. Going to get karmic reactions. Especially if that person is also wearing kanthi mala.
And also if that person is. Wants to be in the association of devotees. Worships Jagannath.
But. Gets angry when told to either give up tobacco. Or stop wearing kanthi mala.
And if that person is very close to us. How can we. Help them.
Avoid getting the bad karma. Answer. Firstly when we interact with each other.
Especially with close relatives. It is important that we don’t. Bring karma.
Into the central aspect of the relationship. Karma is important. And if some people are doing some wrong karma.
Consequences are going to come. But more important than. What karma they are doing.
Is what is our dharma. More important than. What karma they are doing.
Or what karma they are going to get. In terms of what karmic reaction they are going to get. More important than any karmic consideration.
Is the consideration of dharma. What is my dharma. So if say.
If one spouse. Is doing like this. We can see it at different levels.
First is at least. The person is coming to the temple. Is not stopping us from coming to the temple.
Is. Is mixing with devotees. All these are positive.
There are many people. Many times spouses don’t do this and don’t allow us to do this also. Allow their spouses to do it.
So it becomes very difficult in such situations. So rather than getting too. Worked up about.
The fact that. A spouse is not following a particular. Principle.
We can look at the positive and be appreciative. Sometimes some people. Want a sense of belonging.
To a particular group. But. They don’t want to.
But they don’t want to. Do the sacrifices. That are necessary for.
Getting that belonging. So just like sometimes some people may. May want to say that they belong to a. Some social welfare group.
But they actually themselves don’t do much social service. They want the prestige that comes from that. Something similar may happen with respect to.
With respect to our practice of. Bhakti also. Or somebody’s practice of bhakti.
They may not be very serious bhaktas. By serious in terms of the standards that ISKCON follows. But they at least have some bhakti.
And they want a sense of belonging to the bhaktis. So what we do is. We appreciate.
Whatever is positive. And we try to help in. Rectifying whatever is not positive.
In many situations. We may not have. The capacity to do anything to change them.
So generally whenever we face problems. They can be classified in three categories. There are direct action problems.
Indirect action problems. And no action problems. Direct action means.
If say somebody is. Say if our spouse is. Gets angry.
And there are things which we do. Which makes him or her angry. Then.
There is something which we can do. There is a direct action which we can do. By which we can change.
Ourselves. We can become better. And by becoming better.
We can help them to become better. Now. There are indirect action problems.
Where the other person is behaving in a particular way. And there is not really not much that we can do. Ourselves directly.
Because that person was behaving in a particular way. So in that situation. We need to.
Work for. Making things clear. For making things.
We do our part. In trying to set a good example. Generally we can influence other people in three ways.
Provide some knowledge. Provide some facility. And set an example.
So. Sometimes in close relationships. Husband wife.
Giving knowledge or preaching to a husband. May not be appreciated by the husband so much. So we can give some books.
We can share something on whatsapp. Or some articles and talks. Whatever.
We can do what is possible. We can invite for programs. And similarly facility means.
If they can find. Some like minded people. In the devotee community.
Who share interest. The interest that they have. Say somebody has in the devotee community.
Was. Was hooked to say tobacco earlier. And is now.
Broken free from it. Has given it up. So not in a very direct way.
But in a discreet way. May be. Helping them to associate with that person.
And connecting with that person. May help in. Help in overcoming.
Give them the inspiration to overcome that. Particular conditioning. So we can see.
If their journey towards Krishna. We can facilitate it in any way. So basically if we consider.
That. We are all travelling. And we know this is the path that we should be going.
So one thing is. We point out. This is the path.
And then. We make it easier to go on that path. And then.
We show. We set an example. So if we are practicing bhakti.
And practicing bhakti. Doesn’t just mean chanting Hare Krishna. And doing services.
Practicing bhakti also means that. We have the qualities of a bhakta. It means tolerance, sensitivity, courtesy.
Humility. So if these are there. So one aspect of.
This is Krishna. He wants us to become better. But he still loves us for what we are.
He cares for us. As we are. He doesn’t make it conditional.
Unless you do this. If you don’t do this. Then I am going to leave your heart and go away.
He. He loves us even when we are not pure. So becoming devotees of Krishna.
Means also that. We would definitely. We definitely want people to.
Our loved ones to give up. Unhealthy. Undesirable things.
But we don’t make our. Our relationship with them. Our love for them.
Our affection for them. Our loving service to them. Conditional to that.
In a devotee community. It’s very clear. The principles are not hidden.
And if somebody is not following it. Then they also know they are not following it. And repeatedly.
Pointing it out to them. Can. Can be counterproductive.
Can be damaging. Because then it just seems like. We are nagging them.
We are simply irritating them. So that. If somebody is not able to follow a particular principle.
For whatever reason. Then their inability to follow that. Shouldn’t be the center of our relationship.
Our relationship would be that. By Krishna’s arrangement. I am married to so and so person.
And I am serving this person. And I have to. In every relationship there is service.
Give and take. So how can I best serve in this situation. When we keep that in mind.
And then we act in a way that can encourage others. That can encourage that person. Gradually.
The situation may change. So basically if. The other person feels that.
The husband feels that. Because of. The bhakti practice.
My wife has become a better wife. And they will also feel that. Let me become a better husband.
So that way. This is through knowledge. Facility and example.
We can. Deal with some problems indirectly. By inspiring others to change.
And sometimes. These efforts may not work. So we just have to live with it.
And yes there is worry. There is concern. And we can communicate the concern in appropriate ways.
As far as somebody wearing kantimala. The kantimala can be a. Can be a symbol. Which means something specific.
As it happens in our movement. But kantimala. Somebody can just wear it as a. Pious fashion.
And if somebody is doing that. We cannot. It’s not a police state.
That it can stop people from doing something like this. So. We just encourage people.
From where they are. And especially. If a spouse can.
Get in communicate. Get association with some devotees. And get connected strongly with devotees.
Get attached to some devotees. Then. That association will lift them up.
So. Rather than focusing on expectation. Why is he not doing like this.
Why is he doing like that. Just focus on contribution. You see that.
We are meant to serve Krishna in different ways. And by. By conducting ourselves properly.
In a way. That other person starts appreciating us. For our bhakti.
And that will not happen if we are constantly. Nagging them. Why are you not doing this.
Do this. Yes we can gently. Remind at appropriate times.
But if we see that something is not happening. Something is not happening. Then just repeatedly reminding them.
Is unlikely to make that change happen. We have to see the result of such reminder. Is it alienating them.
Or is it actually. Encouraging them to change. So gradually.
We can find out. We can see the situation. What is what the person.
What a husband is doing or whoever is doing. That is between them and Krishna. Between me and Krishna.
Of course we are. We have a relationship directly with Krishna. We also have a relationship with Krishna.
Those who are closely related with us. The way we deal with them. We can by our actions.
We can help them come closer to Krishna. We can cause them to go away from Krishna. So just be.
The best that you can be. And. Don’t bring karmic concentrations.
Too much into the picture. Just try to do one’s own dharma. And gradually.
Krishna is present in our heart. Krishna is present in their heart. And Krishna will inspire them to change.
They will also take their inspiration. So. Don’t let.
The inability of a spouse to follow a particular thing. Become the. Definer of the relationship.
The definer of the relationship is service and contribution. Just as Krishna cares for us. However we are.
We care for our loved ones. However they are. Gradually the connection with Krishna inspires us to become better.
Similarly. The connection with Krishna that is established through our. Congenial conduct.
Our attitude of service and contribution. That will inspire them to change also. Thank you.