How do we deal with over-expecting parents who ask why we have got 95 marks out of 100 not 100

Answer Podcast

Transcript

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1900 and 95, means it’s like instead of giving all the hard work and they say… I get your question. So sometimes our parents just have too much expectation from us.
And even if we do very good in some fields, then they don’t see that. They see what we have not done well in. And they want us, they push us to do better and better.
So if they keep burdening us with their expectations, what should we do? That’s the question? Yeah. So okay, there are two aspects to this. One is, we can see our parents as critics or we can see our parents as coaches.
Even the best players in the world, cricketers, the game of India. So cricketers have coaches. And a batsman may be able to play 25 strokes very well.
But the coach will zero in and see, this is a stroke you can’t play. And a short pitch ball comes, you are not able to play it. Practice that one thing.
So the coach is not unaware of the batsman’s talent, batsman’s expertise. But the coach is also aware of the weakness. And the coach wants the cricket batsman to improve.
So now the coach may focus on the fault. And the batsman will say, you know, I am doing so much so well. You know, this one I think is a problem.
And that can undo everything. That opposite team knows that you can’t play short pitch ball. They will bowl that kind of balls only and they will ruin you.
So the coach’s intent is good, is to help the batsman become better. Now whether that intent is expressed appropriately or not, that is something which will vary depending on coaches to coaches. So if the cricketer wants to improve, the coach has to, the cricketer himself has to have the discretion.
You know, if somebody is criticizing me too much, somebody is just demanding, you know, you are not doing this well, you are not doing this well, you are not doing this well, then that may not encourage us so much. Then we need to understand that this coach is like this. I cannot expect encouragement from the coach.
Then I may have some other friends who may encourage me. You know, okay, you bat so well. There may be fans who may encourage.
There may be other relatives, other acquaintances who may encourage. So we have to learn, we have to understand different people’s natures and we have to learn what we can expect from them. Sometimes some coaches, they appreciate and they correct also.
Sometimes coaches correct more and appreciate very little. So the coaches are different. So like that our parents are also individuals.
And, you know, we have to learn what we can expect from them. Sometimes the parents may just focus on the one or two things that we are not doing so well. And we may be doing many things good, but they don’t focus on that.
So now if we just develop negativity, why are you not seeing this? I have done so well in so many subjects. Then unnecessarily we develop negativity in that relationship. But at the same time, if we just let their words, let their words become the sole definer of our self-worth, then we will not be able to appreciate whatever good we have done.
We will also become negative. Why did I not do well here? Why did I not do well? So the goal is, in our life, the path to self-improvement begins with self-acceptance. I have to accept this is where I am.
And from here I can move upwards. So we have to get our sense of self-worth from somewhere. And sometimes our parents always usually have good intentions for us.
But whether those good intentions will come out in a way that encourages us or discourages us, that will vary. In fact, this is, I am between American students and Indian students. I have been in America for three months just now.
This is a big difference. In America, parents practically have very little expectation from their children. In fact, by the time people come to their teens and they, most of the students fund their own education.
Government gives loans and they fund their own education. So now there they often suffer from the other extreme. Because there are no expectations from them, very little expectation from them.
So students have no impetus to perform. They think even if I don’t complete my graduation, you know, I will go to some other, I will just do some job, I will earn a living. So expectations can act as an accelerator for our life journey, can inspire us to move onwards.
Or expectations can act as a burden in our life journey. And what will determine how they act? That is our mind. So if we find that our parents are of a nature where they are a little too critical, always seeing the negative, we have to understand that this is their nature.
And that not that they are bad, they want our good only. But this is the way they are. So I cannot expect too much appreciation from them.
And I have to get that from somewhere else. And ultimately, we all have to get, if we want enduring security, we want a stable sense of self-worth, that will only come when we have a steady connection with God. God is the person who never rejects us.
He is always there for us. No matter how many wrong things we do, He is aware of it. But God’s purpose is not to catch us when we do wrong.
His purpose is to catch us when we fall. So if I understand that we have horizontal relationships in this world and we have a vertical relationship with God. And some horizontal relationships give us strength.
Some horizontal relationships take away our strength. Some people, Oscar Wilde said that some people bring joy where they go and some people bring joy when they go. Some people bring joy where they go.
When they come, joy comes. When they go away, people bring joy. So different people are like that.
So in our horizontal relationships, we won’t always get shelter. So it is our spirituality, our connection with God which will be our enduring shelter. And also we can find out which relationships from which we get self-esteem.
We can get our sense of self-worth. So we have to accept this is what I am and I want to improve. But self-acceptance is the beginning of self-improvement.
And we accept ourselves for what we are and work according to our capacity to improve ourselves. So don’t let others’ expectations determine our self-worth. We appreciate their intentions and we work according to our capacity.
Does it answer your question? Thank you very much. Thank you. Can I make an announcement? So we have some books outside.
So we have a few books here in case any of you wanted. Today what I spoke was largely based on this book, Minded. The 64 Reflections for Managing the Mind.
Many of you may have some questions. This is frequently unanswered questions. So there are many kinds of questions here.
If God created everything, who created God? Or why do we have bad habits? Why do we give in to bad habits? How can we overcome those habits? So today evening I have a program. Where is that? Here itself on Leadership Principles from Bhagavad Gita. This is the book on which we are having the program.
And this is my latest book, Demystifying Reincarnation. So it talks about scientific and logical basis for the concept that life does not end with death. And we are going to have a book launch program where? In JNMC on 21st, 4.30 in the evening.
So thank all of you for your kind attention and I thank the college organizers for giving us this opportunity to share this wisdom.