If we see patterns similar to a failed relationship in a new relationship, how can we avoid becoming pessimistic?

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
If we see patterns in a particular relationship which are similar to the patterns in a past failed relationship, how do we intellectually prevent ourselves from fearing that the same thing is going to repeat now in this relationship? When I said that we didn’t think that the past is going to repeat itself, that doesn’t mean that we just become Pollyannish, unrealistically optimistic thinking that nothing is going to go wrong. There has to be, I differentiate between possibilities and probabilities.
So, the important thing is that when we make decisions about something very important like relationships, they are not being done in the rush of the emotions. So, if we decide that this seems to be going in a particular direction which is unhealthy, then rather than acting on that feeling at that time, we let some time pass, observe things from a more detached perspective and then evaluate what are the similarities, what are the differences and then we may also decide that I’ll keep some time for observing 3 months, 6 months, 1 month whatever and see which direction it goes. Now, it’s possible that it may go in the same direction, it’s possible that it may not and sometimes it may also be that sometimes some people are unchangeable, not in the sense that we all have free will but some people are just too caught in a particular way of thinking and living that they just can’t change and that makes them incompatible to us.
Now, some people may have certain attributes but for them they may be changeable. Some person, they forgetful and they just stay forgetful all the time. They can take an effort and they can rectify.
So, sometimes what happens is that something which is very important for us may not be that important for them. So, if we communicate in a reasonable way this is very important for me, this could be like a deal breaker for me. So, then if we communicate clearly if they realize how important it is for them then they may also work to rectify it and if they do work then that’s an indication that this is not going in that direction.
But after communication also we see that they are not really changing. Either they don’t care to change or they can’t change both ways. Then we may feel that we may decide that this is not going to work.
So, let’s say that not deciding in the heat of the emotions observing the more dispassionate way and then pointing it out, communicating. Based on that you can decide. So, if we find that after communicating also after giving adequate time also there is no change then it’s not again necessarily negativity.
There is one thing is being pessimistic the other is being optimistic. But in both cases we have to be realistic. So, if my car doesn’t have a brake then I think no accident will happen.
That’s not being optimistic. That is being foolish actually. So, if we see strong patterns of things going downhill then we might just want to get out of the brake before it crashes.
That’s not being pessimistic. If it happens that way we just understand that we are going through a bad phase in life. So, one relationship may not work out, second may also not work out.
But it’s not just history repeating because we are growing through it. So, if we think of the success of the relationship only in terms of whether that relationship works out or not then we feel it as a failure. But another aspect of a successful relationship is also that relationship stimulates us to grow.
So, if a failed relationship also stimulates us to grow then the relationship may have failed but our going through that relationship was not necessarily a failure. So, we have to have a broader definition of success also that we can avoid getting depressed even if the situation is something which is distressing. Thank you.