Spiritual Lessons from Car Driving 3 – Our attitude is our steering wheel

[Seminar at Fort Lauderdale, USA]

Video:

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
I welcome all of you to today, our second session, our second day, third session. So, I’ll quickly summarise what we discussed earlier. Are there any ones who have come today for the first time? Okay, one, two, yes.
So, I’ll briefly explain. Yeah, okay. So, we’re talking about how we can learn spiritual lessons from daily living, daily life.
One example I took was of car driving. And in the first session, I focused on the theme of how there’s a driver and there’s a passenger. And the driver is like the mother, the passenger is like the child.
The driver is the intelligence and the mind is like the child. So, the child may distract the mother, but the mother cannot afford to get distracted. Similarly, our mind may keep distracting us, but we, using our intelligence, need to keep the mind under control, not let it get distracted.
Not let it distract us. And for that, we discussed about how we need to strengthen our intelligence by contemplating the consequences and results. We should cultivate diligence by continuing in the right course, even if we don’t get results immediately, and dependence.
In Krishna, he becomes pleased, we get his mercy, then the mind’s moodiness changes. The child grows up. So, there is this force within another child, tells, don’t do this, do this, watch this, eat this, but we have to restrain ourselves.
That was the first theme of how there is a voice inside us, which often works against us. The second session I talked about how what we are driving doesn’t matter as much as where we are driving. So, all of us have got the body, which is like a vehicle, which is like a car, which we have.
And different vehicles have different strengths and weaknesses. When we look at ourselves from outside in, from the world’s perspective, we often keep craving for that which we don’t have. Oh, I don’t look good enough, I’m not smart enough, my speech is not fluent enough.
And we feel inferior because of that. But instead of craving for what we don’t have, we need to use what we have. Instead of longing what food is in other people’s plate, focus on the food in our own plate.
Satisfaction is not just an emotion we feel, it is also a decision we make. And for that purpose, I also talked about how we need to see that whatever we are, it is God’s plan working in our life. What we are is God’s gift to us.
And what we become is our gift to God. So, what we need for our growth has been provided by the Lord. Our happiness depends not so much on what we have, it depends on what we do with what we have.
So, even if we have little and use it properly, then we will find satisfaction in our life. And not only that, I discussed also about how more important than talent is temperament. Talent matters, but temperament matters much more.
And we can develop our temperament by coming to the mode of goodness, which happens by the practise of bhakti. And further, the mode of goodness also helps us to discover some talents which we had but we never saw them, we are too caught in externals. So, just like an inheritance which may come with a treasure buried in the backyard, like that, all of us have ability that we may not know about.
And ultimately, the devotion to Krishna which we can uncover, which is the source of the greatest happiness, that is there, dormant within our hearts. Now, in today’s session, I will focus on another theme. Before we move on, we are planning to have, I was thinking of having a good amount of time for question-answers.
So, if any of you have any questions, maybe we can distribute some chips, and then you can just write those questions down during the class. And I will, if we have adequate questions, we may not have a fourth session, we will have a full session for question-answers. And in this session also, I will stop soon and we can have question-answers.
So, with respect to driving a car or driving any vehicle, there is the steering wheel which we use. Now, actually a small change in the steering wheel, it just changes the car in a huge way. Rotate the wheel a little bit, and the car just goes off another track.
Rotate a little bit more, it goes off another track. Now, the steering wheel is connected to the wheels of the car. And the steering wheel changes cause the car’s wheels to change.
And the steering wheel is such a thing that a small change over there is by the mechanism of the car, multiplied by the time it reaches the wheels. And it causes the car to go off track or change direction substantially. So, similarly in our life also, there are small things which have big effects.
A small change in the steering wheel has a big change in the trajectory of the car. Like that, the steering wheel basically, we can say it refers to our basic attitude in life. Our attitude shapes the direction which we are going.
And a small change in the attitude can have an enormous change in the trajectory of our life. Now, the word attitude is used very often, and it says you should have a good attitude, you should not have a bad attitude. But what do we actually mean by attitude? So, the word attitude can of course mean different things in different contexts.
But in this context, what we mean is what is our approach to life. Sometimes, when we are working, we all have certain voices within us which can speak negatively about us. Some voices within us speak positively about us.
We can have problems both ways. Some people are too full of themselves. That means they are very proud.
They think I can do anything and everything. And actually, when they try to do it, they can’t do it. But they are overconfident.
And then some other people are too diffident. They are too timid, too scared. It’s just, whenever they try to do anything, they say, no, I won’t be able to do it.
I won’t be able to do it. So, either way, there is a constant conversation going on within us. Actually, it’s not a conversation.
It’s a monologue. Most of the times, we don’t talk back. Whatever is going on, our mind is there which keeps passing comments.
If somebody one day suddenly starts speaking very sweetly to us, the mind starts thinking, this person must be wanting something from you. Be a little cautious. Don’t promise anything.
Be careful. So, the mind, it may be true, it may not be true. The point is that we never see events as they are.
There are events that happen externally and there are experiences that we have internally. And those two are not just the same. Why are they not the same? Because in between, our mind processes.
Our mind filters. And based on how it filters, a small event can seem like a big experience. Yesterday, I was giving the example of car driving and honking a car.
Blowing the horn. Now, in America, if somebody blows a horn at some other person, that person feels inside, do you think I don’t know driving? Why are you blowing a horn? Now, in India, nobody notices also if you blow a horn. Isn’t it? So, you blow a horn 10 times, then maybe people will notice.
So, suppose, a person is habituated driving in India and that person comes to America and the person starts blowing a horn. Americans may get agitated. What are you doing? What did I do? So, for that person, for the Indian, they don’t feel anything because they don’t think I did anything wrong.
It’s just normal. So, the event is what? A horn was blown. But the experience for an Indian who is habituated to Indian traffic and an American who is habituated to American traffic, they are two very different things.
Why? Because their worldview is different. The way the mind interprets that is different. So, all of us, so when I talk about the attitude, I am talking about all of us have an interpretive framework.
We interpret events based on our conceptions, our ideas, our worldview. All this is what we call as our attitude. So, this interpretive framework which translates, which interprets events into experiences, that is what is our attitude.
So, suppose somebody is speaking in a language we don’t understand. Then we may need an interpreter or translator. What is being said? So, that, now what happens sometimes that suppose the translator has one’s own agenda and person A is speaking something and persons A and C are having a conversation.
But B doesn’t translate. B tells something else only. If that happens, then A and C, A may offer a very reasonable proposal but B adds some insult within that.
And C gets angry. How dare you do this? How can you speak like this? What did I speak? A may not understand only. So, the interpreter can come in between.
The interpreter is actually meant to facilitate the two people in that discussion. So, similarly, our mind with its worldview, with its attitude is meant to help us better deal with reality, better process reality. But the attitude can sometimes work against us.
So, the events that happen outside, they are like the one person speaking. We are like the person hearing. And the mind is the translator or the interpreter.
And so, if the translators, suppose the translator is not necessarily malevolent, the translator is incompetent. Malevolent means the translator wants some bad, wants to sow some mischief. But incompetent means the translator doesn’t know so well.
Now, if the translator simply improves the translation skills or the interpretation skills, then what happens? By that, the communication can improve much more. So, similarly, if our mind’s attitude can be improved, then the connection between experiences and events that can become more effective. Effective means not necessarily that bad events won’t happen or we won’t have bad experiences, but we won’t blow things out of proportion.
Just as a small change in the steering wheel, the car is just veering off course, little change, and then it comes back on course. So, similarly, our attitude can veer us off course. We want to do a particular thing in life, but then our attitude can take us off course.
And a small change in the attitude can bring us back on course. So, we all, as I said, have a particular interpretive framework. We interpret reality based on our past experiences, on our present level of knowledge, on our present state of desires, on present mood, present desires.
So, we bring, we never see life as it is. Nobody can ever be entirely unbiased. We can try to be as unbiased as possible.
Some people can be extremely biassed, and some people can be much less biassed. But everybody brings our own way of looking to the table. When we come for any discussion, when we come for any interaction, when we approach life also.
So, based on the interpretive framework that we bring, we will process events differently. So, the Bhagavad Gita talks about the three modes of material nature. Sattvaguna, Rajoguna and Tamoguna.
These are broad categories which shape how we look at nature. How we look at events. So, for example, if people have gone to watch a movie in a theatre and suddenly, there’s a fire in the theatre.
As soon as the fire breaks out, panic. Some people may just become so panic struck, they become petrified. Just can’t do anything.
Just freeze over there. Most people, when they become panicky, where is the door? Just run towards the door. And quite often, in such emergency situations, the fire itself does not cause as much damage as the stampede that happens.
In India, recently, there was a railway station. Local, there’s a bridge. Suspected that the bridge is going to get damaged.
And because of that, there was such a stampede that many people just got crushed in Mumbai. So, what has happened is, in this case, there is this thoughtless action. It’s rushing into action.
A third kind of person, where’s the fire extinguisher? Look at the fire extinguisher. They may go against the crowd. Reach the fire extinguisher and extinguish the fire.
So, the first person who just gets paralysed, that is characteristic of the mode of ignorance. In the mode of ignorance, people just can’t do anything. They just get frozen.
In the mode of passion, there’s just impulsive action. Oh, that’s the exit. Let’s go there.
I just don’t think about anything else. Just go there. In the mode of goodness, there’s first contemplation.
Okay, there’s a fire. What can be done? Fire extinguisher. Okay, let’s go there.
There’s contemplation and there’s action. So, for all of us, we have a combination of these three modes influencing us. Sometimes, if somebody criticises us, you never come on time.
Now, if somebody criticises, you never come on time. Look at the watch. Have you come on time? So, here, what I’m doing is I am counterattacking.
Or, you know, I may that rather than dealing with the issue, okay, you attack me, I’ll attack you. Or, if you never come on time. Oh, yeah, you know, I’m good for nothing.
I’m useless. I’ll never be able to do anything. Some people go into what is called a self-pity.
Just feel sorry for themselves. So, oh, really? Okay, you know, actually, I wanted to come on time, but this is what happened. I’m sorry.
I’ll be careful in future. So, now, these are three different responses. So, the second response is in which mode? The first response, oh, when do you come on time? So, that is in the mode of passion.
So, where? Confrontation. Hit back at the other person. Feeling sorry for oneself.
That is in the mode of ignorance. Oh, you know, I can’t do anything. I’m just like this only.
So, and mode of goodness is, okay, it’s a fact. Okay, let me think about it and let me respond properly. So, the events that happen in our life, we don’t have much control over them.
Suppose we are going on a road, and suppose that is not a very well constructed road or it’s not a very planned road, and suddenly a steep turn comes. Now, when a steep turn comes along, at that time we have to exert our skills. Just move the wheels very quickly, steering wheel very quickly, and then the car will move.
So, now, what kind of road we are going to encounter, that is not in our control. But how we control our car, that is in our control. Sometimes smooth road is there, and suddenly the road becomes slippery.
Maybe somebody has spilled some oil, or suddenly something unexpected happens. So, actually that is, I think that there is a big difference in driving in India and America. In India, too many unexpected things happen on the road.
You will find suddenly a cow comes in the way, suddenly some Chetanaphale along the way. In India, in America, often the problem is the opposite. That nothing unexpected happens.
And that’s why people while driving go to sleep. Because everything is so predictable. There is not much excitement.
They just go to sleep. That also creates a problem. But, the thing is, we can’t control what is going to happen on the road.
We can only control how we operate our car. And we operate our car in various ways. We have the gas, we have the brake.
But the main thing is, the car is moving. The primary tool that we use, if you compare, when we are driving a car, we don’t use the steering wheel, we don’t use the brake or the gas as much as we use the steering wheel. The leg can be off the brake and the gas also for some time.
But, it’s very dangerous to let go of the steering wheel, isn’t it? So, we have to hold on. So, similarly, for us, we cannot control the events that happen in our life. But, we can control how we experience those events.
Bad things will happen to everyone. But, how we respond to them, that is in our control. And that is where our steering wheel comes into the picture.
You know, say, somebody is going the opposite lane and they suddenly veer into our lane. Now, what can I do? That person has veered into my lane. So, I’ll have to use my intelligence to control my car.
I can’t control their car. So, similarly for us, in our life, we can’t control how other people behave. We can’t control what events happen in our life.
We can control only our responses. Now, by our responses or by our actions, we may educate others, inspire others to act better. But, we can’t force anyone to do anything.
At the end of the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna himself tells Arjuna, He says, Deliberate deeply and do as you desire. That means Krishna is telling him that actually, you have to decide that you have to decide what you are going to do. Krishna, even Krishna is respecting Arjuna’s free will.
He is telling Arjuna that actually, you will have to do. Even God himself does not impose. He only guides.
It is up to Arjuna to decide. So, recognising that we have control over only how we drive the car. Not on what all happens on the road and who all other people drive the car.
This is actually very important for us to have the right attitude. Now, attitude simply means firstly, it means understanding what is in my control and what is not in my control. When we don’t understand this basic reality, when we think that we should be having control over things over which we don’t have control, that causes enormous frustration.
If I expect a smooth ride, smooth, fast ride and there is a lot of traffic on the way. Now, what can I do about the traffic? I can’t do much. Obviously, nobody likes to be caught in a crowded traffic but we can’t do much about it.
Now, in life, we all will be put in situations where our area of control may sometimes become very limited. So, the steering wheel is what enables us to manoeuvre within whatever control we have. So, if we forget that my control is on the steering wheel.
Now, suppose some drivers are like very distractible drivers. To that, they see some interesting sight along the road. Did you see that bird? They forget.
Oh, come back on track. The other person starts screaming. Come back on track.
So, what happens is, yes, you want to see some sight along the road, that’s fine but the important thing is, what is it that we have control over? Sometimes, some people, they themselves be good drivers but they are always observing who is driving how. You know, this person, how crazily he is driving. This person is like this.
This person is like this. So, I was travelling with one devotee in a car. So, he was a senior devotee.
So, I said, I’ll sit behind, you sit ahead. He said, no, I will not sit next to the driver. I said, why? He says, I can’t resist the temptation to criticise the driver.
So, he said, I’ll sit behind and not even see how he’s driving. We can talk peacefully. So, sometimes, some people, they just keep looking, you know, he’s like this, he’s like that.
Now, if somebody is a passenger, that’s a different thing. But somebody is a driver and is looking at all, who else is, how they are driving and if in that process, it’s good to be aware who is driving how. But in that process, if we lose, if we lose our attention on what we are doing, if we lose our hold on our steering wheel, then we become a bigger part of the problem for ourselves than what that other person may be.
So, quite often, in trying to control the things over which we don’t have control, we lose control over the things which we can control. So, that is the great danger when we are driving, that in trying to control this, control that, we lose control over the steering wheel. So, the basic component of a healthy attitude is to focus on that which is in our control and secondarily look at other things.
See, for us, how other people are driving is also important. Because if somebody is suddenly going to cut in my path, somebody is suddenly going slowly, somebody is suddenly going fast, all that matters to us. There are two different things.
There is what matters to us and what is controllable by us. So, sometimes we may focus so much on something that matters to us but in that process we neglect that which is in our control. And then that which is in our control goes out of control and things become much worse.
So, when the Bhagavad Gita tells us that actually we are not the supreme controllers, we are the servants of Krishna, we are parts of Krishna and we have, he is the supreme controller and we are, as his parts, we also have some controlling capacity. But his controlling capacity is infinite, our controlling capacity is finite. So, understanding that we are meant to be servants of Krishna, this can seem very demeaning.
Why should we be a servant? And the word servant, when it is used in spiritual context, it does not have the connotation of servility. Servility means, a servant is a low class person, not respected by anyone and people trample on him. That’s not the attitude.
A more appropriate word, if you want to take it from Sanskrit, is sevak. A servant in the spiritual sense or in the devotional sense is actually one who voluntarily chooses to serve as an expression of affection. So, rather than think, when we think of the word servant, we may think of, okay, we may have had some experience, somebody is a boss and the boss is bossing around, do this, don’t do this, and shouting at the servant.
I don’t want to become a servant like that. No, we don’t have to have that kind of conception when we talk of being a servant. Prabhupada writes in the first canto purport that the relationship of service between the lord and the devotee is the most congenial form of intimacy.
The most congenial form of intimacy. And the word intimacy is used for a very close relationship. And congenial means very friendly.
So, it’s like, say, two friends like each other. And each friend wants to help the other person. A mother loves a child.
The mother serves the child. Mother is doing everything for the child. That is out of affection.
So, when we have a relationship of service with Krishna, there is subordination. But the subordination is not the central part. The relationship of service is defined not so much by subordination as by affection.
It is a voluntary subordination that we do because of affection. So, when we understand that actually I am a servant of Krishna, then, at that time, we, Bhakti Siddhanta Sri Dakura says, the soul who agrees to be a servant of Krishna becomes freed from the burden of needing to control the world. As long as I think I am the boss, I have to control everything around me.
And when things go out of control, I feel, what is happening? So, actually, if we just understand that I am a servant, I am meant to serve. And serving means not servility, but serving means harmony. I want to harmonise with Krishna.
So, as a servant of Krishna, as his part, I have a certain area of control. And that is the area where I should focus on. Krishna uses two words in the Bhagavad Gita.
There is Prakriti and there is Kshetra. The 13th chapter of the Bhagavad Gita is called as, in Sanskrit, it is called as Purushya Prakriti Vibhaga Yoga or Kshetra Kshetra Vibhaga Yoga it is called. So, Prakriti refers in general to material nature.
Kshetra refers to the specific portion of material nature over which a particular soul has control. So, for example, for a blue whale, its Kshetra, the soul in the blue whale’s body is similar to the soul in your and my body. But, by the past karma of that soul, that soul has been given a huge Kshetra.
Such a huge body with which it can do so many things. So, that is the Kshetra. Material nature is the whole of nature.
But within material nature, there is a particular area over which a particular soul has given control. That is called its Kshetra. So, some of us may be tall, some of us may be short.
In human beings, the size doesn’t matter. The size of the body doesn’t matter as much as the size of the intelligence. If you consider, as compared to animals, we are much smaller than elephants and even hippos or blue whales or whatever.
But we are ruling the planet because the size of the intelligence matters more than the size of the body. And intelligence is only one aspect to it. As I said, in different bodies, the soul may be given different Kshetras, different abilities.
Some may have singing abilities, some may have very good looks, some people may have very good memory, some people may have very good speaking ability, whatever. So, all these are ways in which the soul has some area of control. So, all of us have a particular area of control.
And there is much that is out of our control. Now, broadly speaking, if you consider, this is the area on which I have control, this is the area which matters to me. And beyond that, there is a bigger world also.
Say, for example, if I am, right now, say, you came to this programme. Now, if along the way, you come to know that, okay, there is traffic in Miami. Now, if Miami is on the way, then it matters to you.
Or if somebody else is coming from Miami, then it matters to you. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter to us. So, basically, that means there are three things.
Something which I have control over, something which matters to me, but I don’t have control over. And something which neither matters to me, nor I have control over. So, the right attitude means we need to focus on that which matters to us, but that which we have control over.
A distracted mind can go into the second circle or the third circle. The second circle is that, okay, you know, this person is driving like this, that person is driving like that, that person is driving like that. Yes, I need to be aware of that, but I need to focus on my first circle.
That is, the thing that is in my control. But a distracted mind not only goes to that which matters to us, but we have no control over. A distracted mind even goes to that which doesn’t even matter to us.
How is that? Especially nowadays, with the world becoming so interconnected, so, we get news of events from all over the world. And now, although we are in an interconnected world, if we consider we read news daily, how much of that news matters to us immediately? You know, I need to be well informed about things. I may have a competitive exam for which I have to prepare.
That’s fine if you need to prepare. I am not talking about being ignorant about current affairs. The point which I am making is quite often we take in so much information that is of no immediate relevance to us.
And then, what happens by that is, we just get agitated. I just came by a plane from Gainesville. So, the hostess there was a little humorous.
The whole crew was quite humorous. Now, I am going to give you some bad news and good news. This is bad news.
Just open the newspaper and read it. And the good news is our flight is reaching before time. Actually, quite often, if we just take in a lot of information that is not of any relevance to us, it just clutters our mind.
And then, because our consciousness is limited, we cannot be conscious of too many things at the same time. We have what is called as foreground consciousness and we have background consciousness. Foreground consciousness means, right now I am speaking to you, so I am looking whether what I am speaking is making sense or not.
Background consciousness means, light is coming, it is becoming a little hot for me. Or you are sitting on the floor, you may feel that okay, how long will I have to sit? My back is paining now. We hope that I will break something.
Now, what happens is, we have something in the foreground consciousness and there is something in the background consciousness. And there is something which we are not conscious of at all. Now, who is coming in through the door, we will not be conscious of.
But suddenly if somebody bangs the door, then we become conscious of that. So, our consciousness is a finite energy. We cannot be conscious of too many things.
And that is why for our life, for us to be productive in our life, we need to focus on that on which we have control. So, yes, if I am in charge of the children and I hear some child running away, then I have to be conscious and look at what is to be done. But if it is not relevant to me, I have to put it aside.
So, the, when I talk about the steering wheel, we are referring to our attitude. That basically means that in every situation that we find ourselves in, we have to focus on that which is in our control. And then secondarily look at that which is of concern to us.
So, for example, if I see a person is driving in a wavy way, yes, zigzag, zigzag, zigzag, that may indicate that this person is drunk. Now, if I understand this person is drunk, what do I do? The first thing I need to do is I have to become more cautious. Maybe I need to keep more than the safe distance from that person.
And secondarily, if I decide that this person can be a hazard, maybe let me call the police or let me alert someone else, whatever. That’s secondary. First thing is, we have to focus on that which is in our control.
Now, if somebody is looking in a very bad mood, is looking short-tempered and they just cut across us and they are angry with us, instead of we being angry with them. Then if somebody is in a road rage, okay, we can’t control their rage, but keep a safe distance from them. Don’t provoke them.
So, in every situation we face in our life, we, the right attitude is to focus on what is in our control. And it may seem paradoxical, because normally when we think, I am a servant, then we think that, oh, I just have to obey someone. If I am a servant of Krishna, I simply have to obey Krishna.
But actually, developing an attitude of service to Krishna helps us to focus on that which is in our control. Because when I have a service attitude, I understand that my area of control is limited. So, let me focus on that.
But when I don’t have a service attitude, I have a controlling attitude, then I think that I should be able to control everything. Or control many things. And when I can’t control them, I become agitated.
So, knowing what is in our control and knowing what is not in our control, that is vital for being able to function in life. And a right attitude is able to very quickly discern between the two. What is in my control? What is not in my control? So, basically when we face problems in our life, we can put the problems in three broad categories.
First is direct control problems, second is indirect control problems, third is no control problems. What does that mean? Going back to the driving metaphor. Now, if I find, hey, my car is veering off course, that is a direct control problem.
I can control, I can get my car back on course. But, if somebody else is maybe having their hood open or having a door open or is having their tyre about to come to a puncture, tyre air very low, that is an indirect control problem. We can just signal and inform that person.
Maybe signal to them something. That is indirect control. Or somebody is driving in a reckless way, then we can either inform them, we can caution them or we can inform the police.
We have only indirect control. But, suppose the weather, the weather has become suddenly foggy, snowy, the ground has become slippery. That is a no control problem.
No control problem. So, what do we do at that time? We just become more cautious and somehow drive slowly. Just tolerate and move through it.
So, for us, in our life also, so when I talk about our attitude being like the steering wheel, we need to be able to process. The problem I am facing, I am a servant of Krishna. Is this something which I can do about this? Is it a direct control problem? Is it an indirect control problem? Or is it a no control problem? And when I have this understanding, then I don’t waste my energy in that which is not in my control.
By that we can focus our energy on that which is in our control. Now, for us in our life, there are many things which are extremely important for us. But they are not in our control.
So, for example, if we are working in office, our boss’ attitude towards us, the boss will determine whether we keep our job, whether we get a raise. How the boss sees is very important for us. If we are parents, how our children are growing up, that is very important for us.
At the same time, we can’t control what the boss thinks of us. We can try to do our work well. We can try to be polite.
We can try to be prompt. But ultimately, what the boss thinks of us is up to the boss. Some people may be very biassed against us.
Some people may be very supportive of us. That’s just the way they are. When parents are trying to help the children grow up, at that time, the growing of the children, biologically it happens by nature.
But emotionally and spiritually, it has to happen by cultivation. So, now when this is happening gradually, this emotional and spiritual growth, then sometimes different children will go through different phases. So, some children may in their teenage years become very rebellious.
Some children may not become that rebellious. Some children may just become too wild. So, now, when the children as they start growing up, the parents, they can’t control, say, a 15-year-old child as they are controlling a 5-year-old child.
And they can’t control a 25-year-old child as they are controlling a 5-year-old child. So, basically, one of the biggest challenges of parenting is that we can observe our area of control decreasing, decreasing, decreasing. And it is very difficult to accept that.
So, So, it is true, not just in parenting, any kind of relationship where we are a ward or a guide of someone, we can see that our area of control is decreasing, decreasing, decreasing. We are going back to car driving itself. You know, we may train our child, if they have come to teenage years, we train them to drive a car.
Now, if we are sitting next to them, we can alert them, you know, you should take this turn carefully, put on the back light. Don’t press the gas so fast. You can tell all the things to them.
But then, after some time, they are going to drive on their own. And at that time, we are not going to be there next to them. So, initially, we are driving the car, they are simply accompanying us.
That time we have full control almost. We take wherever we want. Even if they want to go somewhere, we are the person who take them.
As they grow up, then, they want to drive. And then, we have some control when we are sitting next to them. But eventually, they are going to drive alone.
At that time, we have no control what they are going to do. So, similarly, just as a car driver or a car driving trainer, that car driving trainer has to know or knows that a part of the job description is that they are going to lose control. They have control over the trainee as long as the trainee is in their car.
Especially when we have, we train for car driving, they have dual control cars. That means that the car is over here and if the trainee driver forgets to press the brake, then the trainer can press the brake and the car can be controlled. So, like that, when the children are small, even if we give them some control, we have some control.
We may give some tablet, some iPad or some device to them, but we will have some parental control over there. You can browse, but these are things which you should not browse. But, how long can we do that? The person is going to drive their own car eventually.
So, accepting that every soul is going to make their own choices. And we can only guide them. So, basically, I’ll conclude with this one point, then we can have some questions and answers.
When I talked about direct control problems, that is what we need to focus on. That is where our energy should go the most. What is, how can I become better? How can I improve? Rather than expecting how can my children improve or how can my colleague improve? How can my spouse improve? How can I improve? Focus on the direct control problems.
If we do that, then, we become better. And whether that particular relationship improves or not, our becoming better will always stand us in good state. Now, with respect to indirect control problems in relationships.
So, as I said, if somebody else is driving wrongly, what can I do? I can communicate to them. I can’t go inside their car and take over their car and control it. So, similarly, in indirect control problems, where somebody else is doing something wrong, there is, there are, we can influence others only in three ways.
We can provide knowledge. We can give facilities. And we can set example.
Knowledge, facilities and example. These are the only three ways in which one human being can influence another human being. That means, going back to the car driving example.
The car driver can give the trainee. The trainer can give the trainee. This is the brake.
This is the speed limit. Knowledge. Can provide knowledge.
And then, after that, can provide facilities. Facility means that, okay, you want to drive a car? Okay, take this car and drive it in the parking lot. Or this is a safe area.
You can drive over here. Provide them facilities where they can learn. And then, set example.
Now, if parent tells the child that you should never drive under influence. And the parent drinks and then drives. And they say that sometimes our actions is, you know, our actions speak so loudly that I can’t hear your words.
So, the actions do speak louder than words. So, what happens is if we tell the driver, the trainer says, whenever there is a stop signal, you stop. And the trainer is driving the car and he says, stop signal, nobody is there.
Without stopping, the trainer moves on. Then, that is the lesson we will communicate much more. So, similarly for us, what we, when we are trying to influence anyone else, we can provide knowledge.
Knowledge means, this will happen. This action will lead to this consequence. This action will lead to this consequence.
So, many times, if people just get the knowledge, you tell them, you go over the speed limit, you will get a big fine. That knowledge itself is a good enough deterrent for many cases. So, we need to provide knowledge.
And secondly, we need to provide facilities. Facility means that, say, if we want our children, say, if we have become devotees and we want our children to also become devotional. It’s very difficult for children to come for adult programmes and participate in adult programmes.
We have to create some facility for them to have some kind of programmes for them at their level. It’s a facility. So, they may participate in drama, they may participate in competitions, they may dance.
According to their level, we have to provide them facilities. So, if we want somebody else, not just children, if somebody else, our relative, somebody is not behaving properly, then, sometimes, something which is very easy for us to do, it may be very difficult for somebody else to do. So, when this happens, we have to help them improve.
We may say that, you know, why can’t you do this? It’s so simple. But, what is simple for us is not as simple for others. All of us, based on, I talked about our Kshetra earlier, our body which we have been given, all of us, we see different things as important based on what we, what is, what our interests are, what our talents are.
I think zero in on that. So, for example, whenever I go to any place, the first thing I look at is the spellings of all the notices. If you give me a magazine, I won’t look at the picture, I look at the caption first.
And then I look at the picture. And, in India, this causes me torture. Because so many spelling mistakes.
So, if I tell somebody, this spelling mistake is wrong, he says, how does it matter? People understand, no? So, for somebody else, for me this is important, but somebody else is not important. Now, if I feel, I can’t tolerate this wrong spelling, then, rather than telling someone correct it, maybe I just take a print out and change it over there. If it’s intolerable for me, that doesn’t mean it is intolerable for someone else.
Sometimes, some people, a kirtan is going on, and somebody comes up and picks up a kartal. And now, some person who is very musically sensitive, hey, you’re not playing right. Now, that person, the kirtan is going on, they just can’t hear the holy name.
They can only hear the aftal kartal. And, the worst situation is when that person who is playing at aftal doesn’t have the sensitivity to understand that it is aftal. So, that person is playing kartal and is happy, and others are miserable.
So, in such a situation, the problem is, not that that person wants to irritate us, but that person just doesn’t have that sensitivity. So, there we have to, then we need to, if somebody is playing kartal aftal, we just go and shout at them, why are you playing like this? But, that may not help that person. So, we may have to provide them some help.
Okay, this is how it is played, you can see, it’s going aftal over here. And, so, if something is important for us, either we change it, or we help the other person to realise why it is wrong, why it matters, and how to change it. So, providing facilities means recognising that that which is very easy for me may not be that easy for someone else.
So, for me, okay, is this wrong spelling? Correct it. For somebody else, it doesn’t matter. So, if it matters, I have to communicate to them why it matters.
So, here we have to understand one important difference between being insensitive and being desensitised. Insensitive means the other person doesn’t care. Desensitised means that the person doesn’t have that sensitivity only.
It’s like, say, somebody wants to talk with me, and they touch me on the shoulder. But, suppose, I have got paralysis in this shoulder, and I have no sensation over here. They touch me, touch me, touch me, and I don’t even turn to them and say, how rude you are.
Touch me, what is happening? But then, I’m not rude, I’m just not sensitive over there. So, for some people, they just don’t have that sensitivity. Like, for some people, spellings, they don’t have that sensitivity.
Some people come into a house, and as soon as they come into a house, within five minutes, it appears that a storm has come over there. Everything becomes unclean. And then, somebody who is very cleanless, conscious, they come, why did you make this unclean? Oh, is it unclean? I didn’t notice also.
Now, when they say like that, this is not because, sometimes it may be because they just want to irritate us. But often it is not like that. That sensitivity is not there only in them.
Then, we may have to provide them facilities. What facility? Okay, you know, this is how you can keep this here, you can keep this here. But that practically will have to work out.
So, if somebody doesn’t care about spellings, and they are going to make a notice, then we may have to have a very good spell check on their computer, so that it corrects it, this is wrong, correct it. So, we have to provide facilities for others. And third is, as I said, set an example.
So, these are the only three things, which we can do with respect to indirect control problems. We can provide knowledge, set example, share knowledge, set example and provide facilities. So, the door to personal change is a one-way door.
It can be opened only from inside. Cannot open it from outside. Anybody who needs to improve, that improvement has to come from within.
Otherwise, we may force somebody to do something, but when we force someone to do something, then it is like stretching a rubber band. As soon as the force stops, snap! It comes back. So, we force people to do something, but after some time, they will snap back.
So, yes, force is required at times, but along with the force, the other education is required, the facilities are required, the example is required. So, a lot of our anxiety, a lot of our agitation, we can decrease if we just understand that actually I am not the controller. Much of our anxiety comes because we think we are the controllers, but it is Krishna who is the controller.
And ultimately, our steering wheel is our attitude. So, the essence of the attitude is first understanding what is my control, what is not in my control, but also understanding that Krishna is the controller. So, even if some person is doing something wrong to me, doing something bad to me, Krishna is allowing that to happen.
Krishna will take care of things. Krishna will take care doesn’t mean that I don’t care, but it simply means that I focus on that which is in my control. So, yes, if some close relative, a child, a spouse, some other sibling, they are behaving unreasonably towards us, they are doing something wrong.
Now, we have to understand that Krishna is allowing that to happen. Krishna is in their hearts also and Krishna is allowing that to happen. So, Krishna has some plan.
Let me just focus on behaving the best that I can. So, for this, indirect control. Sometimes, we may feel this is an indirect control problem, but it may actually be a no control problem.
That means we try to get another person to improve. We do, we provide knowledge, facilities, example and still that other person doesn’t change. What is the use of what I am doing? It’s all going waste.
But it is not a waste. Why? Because Krishna is observing and Krishna is appreciating. Suppose, someone goes to a cloth mart shop where there is a lot of clothes and some people, some customers are very fastidious.
They will look at 100 dresses and after that they will say, you know, anyway I don’t like any one of these. Now, the attendants who are there, they have to sort all the dresses, maybe iron them again, put them all in the right places. Such a lot of work.
So, some customers who are known to be very fastidious, very critical. Normally, when a customer comes, all the attendants want to go and attend because they will get the commission. But some customers come, all attendants go away.
I don’t want to attend to this person. Now, Oscar Wilde said there are two kinds of people. Some people bring happiness where they go and some people bring happiness when they go.
So, if there is if there is a customer who is like this and some attendant is attending to that person. Now, the attendant shows one cloth, two cloths and the customers keep finding fault, keep finding fault. It’s natural at one level for the attendant to get irritated.
The attendant will just snap at the person. You know, you just waste so much of my time. If you don’t want a cloth, don’t take it.
Why are you troubling me so much? But somehow the attendant stays cool. He stays calm. And even then the customer doesn’t take.
Customer just goes off in a foul mood. Now, the attendant will say, oh, it all went waste. I put so much time and energy.
But no. There are cameras in the store and the boss is watching. And the boss also knows that this customer is a tough customer.
And although the attendant may not make the sale, the boss observes. Oh, this attendant is so courteous, so polite, so cool-headed. The boss may say, you really know you’re a cool guy.
The boss may promote that attendant. Now, you become the in-charge of this section and you take care of the tough customers. So, although at an external level there’s a failure in making the sale, but the attendant succeeded in pleasing the boss.
Similarly, sometimes in our relationship, some people may just behave very unreasonably. And we try our best, but they don’t change. This person is so irritating.
Why should I tolerate? Why should I be humble? Why should I be patient? It’s not that we let the other person trample on us, but it’s just that we ensure that our actions are determined by our principles, not by that person’s actions. That’s because you shout at me, so I’ll shout at you. That’s just mundane behaviour.
Not that if you shout at me, I’ll just take any and every insult. I’ll respond maturely. So, if we see our interactions not just as an interaction between us and them, but also as a step in our relationship with Krishna, then we’ll see even if this person is difficult, even if this relationship is very difficult for me, and I’m making no progress in this relationship, still by striving to do my best in that relationship, I’m progressing in my relationship with Krishna.
With this understanding, when I move forwards, then even the problems which are which I thought were indirect control, but which are actually no control, even through those problems, I did not solve the problem, but I became better through the problem. I became more mature. I became more tolerant.
I became more cool-headed. And that is a much more enduring achievement for us. So, sometimes in life, despite our best control, somebody may just ram into us.
But, when eventually, similarly when something happens in life, some people may just be very unpleasant and just ram into us. And we will be hurt by that. But, in the ultimate analysis, our car may get destroyed, we may get injured in a practical car accident.
But in the spiritual perspective, we are souls who are indestructible. Other people can act in very hurting ways, and they can hurt us. But because we are souls who are indestructible, who have an eternal relationship with Krishna, so, that is something which no one can destroy.
And sometimes, that somebody else ramming into me, which is something which is very devastating for me materially, that can actually be very uplifting for me spiritually. So, this focus on Krishna, the right attitude, controlling the steering wheel means knowing that, I am a servant, let me control what I can control, and let me serve Krishna with the control that I have. We have this understanding, then we can navigate through life’s journey with far far more calmness, far far more purposefulness, ultimately, far far more success.
So, I’ll summarise. I spoke about the steering wheel, that how when car driving, the small change in the steering wheel causes a big change in how the car moves. Similarly, for us, the steering wheel in our life’s journey is our attitude.
Small change in attitude can make big changes in our life, both positively and negatively. And attitude essentially means understanding what is in our control, and what is not in our control. So, in car driving, how other people drive, or what happens on the road, that’s not in our control.
But we, how we control our steering wheel is in our control. So, sometimes in worrying about things which are not in our control, we lose control over things which we have control over. Oh, this person is driving like this, this person is driving like this, we lose control of our steering wheel.
So, basically, whenever any events are happening in our life, we need to have three categories. First is, what is in my control? What matters to me, but is not in my control? And what is not in my control and doesn’t even matter to me. So, that which doesn’t even matter to me, like so much random news we keep hearing from all over the world.
Doesn’t matter, just put it off. No need to expose ourselves too much to it. And just shut it out.
And what matters to me is important, but even more important is what is in my control. So, the attitude of service to Krishna, this is not servility, where we are just pushed down. Actually, it is congeniality, it is intimacy.
Because it’s a service based on affection, not just domination. And the more we focus on this understanding, I am a servant of Krishna, then that frees us from the burden of needing to control everything. And we can focus on that which is in our control.
All of us, by our past karma, have been given particular areas of control. That is our Kshetra. And, that is where we can act the best.
So, when problems come, some problems are direct control. So, that is, I can improve my own car driving. Some are indirect control, where I can only influence others.
Third is, no control. Just have to accept it and move on. Like, say there’s bad weather.
So, in our life, when just bad things happen, we just have to tolerate it. Just drive more cautiously. Tolerate and pass through it.
If some people are behaving unreasonably, then we can influence them primarily in three ways. Provide knowledge of choices and consequences. Create facilities for them to make the right choices.
And set an example of ourselves making the right choices. And based on this, they will become inspired to themselves, choose wisely. And, this is the only way we can influence others.
Not recognising this, we create ourselves a frustration. Thinking why people are not changing. And, providing facilities may often mean recognising that people are sometimes desensitised about things of which we are super sensitive.
So, they are not insensitive. They are not uncaring. But, we need to help them become sensitised.
Like a person who doesn’t understand the taal of music. We need to educate them about that. Explain that.
And, lastly, sometimes, despite our best efforts to help others, something which seems to be in direct control, may seem to go out of control. Be no control. We can’t change others.
Then, we should see that, okay, even if I am not able to change that other person, my relationship, my efforts in that relationship are not going to go waste. Because, if I do it with a mood of pleasing Krishna, then, I will grow in my relationship with Krishna. Just like a shop attendant who can’t make a sale to a difficult customer, is appreciated by the boss because of the cool-headedness and gets a raise.
So, like that, if we focus on just trying to serve Krishna in every situation, we will grow. And, other people can hurt us, but our core, our soul, and our relationship with Krishna, that can never be hurt by anyone. In fact, even those things which hurt us materially can actually propel us spiritually faster towards Krishna.
Thank you very much. Hare Krishna. So, any questions or comments? Yes, ma’am.
Okay. May be first today’s. Okay, yeah.
So, if we don’t see things as they are, because of our filters, then how can we go beyond these filters and see things as they are? One thing is that we can never see things entirely as they are. Because, we can only expand our filters so that we can see more of reality. So, one of the best ways is to have good relationship with people who think differently from us.
Often, when people think differently, it’s difficult to have a good relationship with them. But, if we have at least a working relationship, an issue is important, and we are coming at it from one way. And, the way they are thinking just doesn’t make any sense.
Rather than dismissing it, we try to understand why they are thinking like that. So, quite often, when there are differences, instead of understanding the differences, we judge the differences. That means, if somebody is not doing it in a particular way, you are irresponsible.
You are insensitive. You are uncultured. When we become devotees, we are Mleccha, Yavana.
You can say all those kinds of things also. You can bring in all kinds of labels. But, no.
We just try to objectively analyse. That means, okay, this person is doing like this. Why are they doing like this? So, if we approach them and ask them, then often they explain to us.
A major problem in relationships comes because instead of talking with people, we talk about people. Talking with people means, A has some issue with B. A has some issue with B. Instead of A asking B in a gentle, non-judgemental, objective way, A goes and tells C. You know what B did? And then C goes and tells B. A said like this about me. And then, often what happens? C puts in their own masala.
C adds some more spice to it. And then, what happens between A and B? Their tension increases more and more. So, instead of talking about people, it’s better to talk with people.
So, if somebody has an opinion different from ours, just go and talk with them. And try to understand their perspective. So, if we try to understand other people’s perspective, then we see, okay, this thing can be seen in another way also.
Bhaktivinoda Thakura said in Chaitanya Shiksha Amrit that even with respect to the absolute truth, he says Plato saw the absolute truth from the west and Patanjali saw the absolute truth from the east. And both of them have described their absolute truth in different ways. So, we see things from our perspectives.
And those who have other perspectives, if we try to understand them, their perspective, then it’s not necessary that we will agree with them. There is, there are three things. There is, with respect to differences of opinion, there is something which is, which is, you could say, incomprehensible.
It doesn’t make any sense. The second is something intelligible. And third is something acceptable.
Agreeable, we could say. So, it’s not necessary that everything that anybody, people’s opinions will become agreeable to us. But at least they can become intelligible.
Understand why you are thinking like this. So, sometimes we are afraid to be open-minded towards others because we feel that we may have to agree to them. And we don’t want to give up our opinion.
But it’s not necessary like that. Two people can have two different opinions and they can both be right in their own ways. So, basically, interacting with others helps a lot in opening our minds.
Especially if a relationship is important, then we need to rely less on second-hand information and rely more on first-hand interaction. So, this person, he said like this, she said like that. And second-hand information often causes a lot of distortion.
So, better have first-hand interaction. That can help us to detect our filters and when necessary, correct whatever filtering effect has happened to them. Thank you.
Yes. Sometimes in the first-hand interaction, we react. Yeah.
We just go ahead and react to a particular situation. So, what happens when we react in the way we normally react? Then it causes a disturbance. So, how can we react in a proper way so that we will not cause a disturbance and look at the situation? Yeah.
If in the first-hand interaction, we react in a way that makes things worse, what can we do to avoid that? Yeah. It’s when I’m taking this class on relationship, I also have my issues. So, I’m not sitting on a high pedestal and trying to speak this.
I also react many times. It’s a challenge. I would say, going back to the driving metaphor, sometimes if we know on a road, there is a bump, then we slow down.
The bump is going to be there and our car is going to be jolted. If it’s at a high speed, the jolt will be much more. If it’s at a low speed, the jolt will be very less.
So, like that, if we know in advance that certain interactions are going to be difficult, then we need to slow ourselves down before that. We need to slow down. Before we go into the interaction, take a few deep breaths, chant some, chant Hare Krishna mantra, pray to Krishna, do what it takes to calm ourselves down.
So, we all know that some people are difficult or some interactions are difficult. Sometimes, some difficult interactions, some interactions which we thought were going to be coded suddenly become difficult. That’s like we are going on a normal road and suddenly a bump comes up.
That is just unpredictable. But at least, when we know there are some conversations which are high stake conversations or they are high emotion conversations. If we know that in advance, it’s like I know there is a bump on this road.
So, let me slow down before. The first step in dealing with unwanted reactions is anticipation. I need to anticipate which situations such a thing may happen.
The second thing is that if we have anticipated, then we can decide that we may if it’s a high stakes meeting, then we may decide that we will just have some time where two people just hear themselves out. I will hear you out. You hear me out.
And we will respond later. I don’t know how practical that will be. But sometimes, just a passage of time creates some perspective.
So, I often interact with people by emails. And sometimes, some people do such things which make me furious. And when I am furious, I just write a mail with all my anger in the mail.
But then, I made a strict policy not to press the send button. Just write it and keep it in the drafts for at least 24 hours. And quite often in that 24 hours, that person only writes, oh, I am sorry, I did this, it was a mistake.
Or sometimes they say, they give some information which completely tells the whole thing in a new light. Or sometimes after 24 hours, they calm down and then I go through the whole mail. And then, when I go through that mail, okay, I understand.
This, I am making too much of a judgement. I don’t know. I need to get more information.
This is a valid point. This, this is valid, but I have to word it a little more sensitively. When I edit it and send it, I found that the chances of resolution are much more.
So, basically, we usually think of our emotions only in two terms. Expressing our emotions or repressing our emotions. But, neither works very well.
Now, if I repress my emotions, I feel it’s like a volcano going on within me. If I express my emotions, it’s like the lava hits that person. So, neither works.
So, we need to go beyond both of these to processing our emotions. So, processing means that I acknowledge my emotions. If I am feeling angry, you just say, I should not feel angry.
It doesn’t work. I am feeling angry. I am feeling angry doesn’t mean, see, anger can be seen positively as an indicator of importance.
Why do I become angry about something? Because it is important for me. So, rather than just getting angry at that person, okay, what exactly is so important for me? Try to observe oneself. Try to learn from that.
So, if you just, yes, yes means express. No means repress. But instead, processing means pause.
I am going to respond, but not now. Just control yourself. And then, if you just, if you say, no, I am going to repress this.
I am not going to express this at all. That will choke us so much that eventually it will all explode. But if you process it, then, okay, this was the points which were made, but this is outright wrong.
How could he have thought like this? How could she accuse me of this? We just analyse those points and then try to be as objective as possible. So, pressing the pause button is much easier than pressing the no button. And it is actually much cheaper than pressing the yes button.
Press the yes button and just give out, vent out my feelings. Then, that person also hits back and it just makes things worse. And the last thing would be that even if we find that we have responded wrongly, just reacted, as soon as we realise that, stop at that point.
A debate has started, a conflict has started, a quarrel has started, not now. How we stop it? We have to do it in an intelligent way or a graceful way, but don’t aggravate it. See, what happens is we make one wrong step and then even when we realise it, okay, now anyway I reacted wrongly.
Things have become bad, let them go fully bad. They don’t have to go fully bad. It’s like, if I realise, oh, I have gone off the road.
My car has gone into the grass now. Okay, it has gone into the grass, that’s bad. But that doesn’t mean I will keep going further into the grass.
Let me push the brake now. So, as soon as we realise that we have reacted wrongly, stop at that time. And if you do that, that itself can minimise the damage.
So, I’ll give one example to illustrate this. Suppose I am walking along the road, in a little forested area, and suddenly, I feel a sting on my leg. I look down and I see a snake slithering away.
The snake has bit me on my neck. Here, I have a very passionate attitude. I get angry.
You snake, how dare you kill me? I will kill you! And I start running after the snake. The snake is slithering away. I get to the snake and pound it with my leg and crush it.
Even if I succeed in killing the snake, what am I doing? I am killing myself. See, the snake’s poison has gone into my body and the more I run, the more the poison will spread more in my body. So, when a snake has bitten me, the most important thing is not to get even.
The most important thing is to get safe. So, sometimes somebody has done something wrong. Even if I get angry, my normal attitude is hit back at whoever has hit me.
I start running towards the snake. What am I doing? Stop at that time. And focus on getting the poison out of the body.
So, quite often it is not our first mistake that really makes things bad. It is the mistakes that we make after the first mistake. So, as soon as I realise that, okay, I got taken one wrong time.
See, the mind is so tricky. The mind makes us do a wrong thing. The mind makes us you know, I am not going to get angry, I become angry.
It makes us angry and then it says, now you become angry, now become fully angry. No, there is no need. Stop now.
So, even if there is a wrong reaction, as soon as we realise it, stop it. So, by anticipation, by processing and by stopping as soon as we realise, we can actually minimise the impulsive reactions and then respond more maturely. Thank you.
Yeah. It’s like, if we offer a preparation to Krishna, and when we take it out and we taste it, when we take it out and we taste it, it doesn’t taste right. Maybe it is missing salt, and we say, well, okay, Krishna accepted it like that, so devotees can take it like that.
So, I think we made one mistake by offering to Krishna like that. We are going to make a second mistake by offering to devotees like that. Good example, yes.
Thank you. Yes. You mentioned one of the things you know, that… I will repeat the question.
Okay. You know, you mentioned being in the mode of ignorance. Yeah.
I can’t do anything about it. You know, on a so-called personal level. But, you know, we see examples in spiritual life of great acharyas.
Even in the teaching of Caitanya Mahaprabhu, they chant the holy name and one needs to think of things lower than the grade of the earth, more tolerant. You know, an acharya’s prayer, especially Narottama dasa Thakur Maharaj’s prayer, you know, the hand of one’s pupils, you know. Yeah.
Okay, yeah. Good question. So, to feel that I am useless, is it in the mode of ignorance or is it in transcendence as we see great devotees are saying that oh, I am completely useless, I am so sinful, I am so fallen.
Yeah, actually ignorance and transcendence can seem similar sometimes. So, for example, the materialistic people, they say, you know, we don’t know Krishna is God. The vrajivasis also say, we don’t know Krishna is God.
But it’s a big difference. Total difference. Because vrajivasis love Krishna.
So, basically, for the great devotees, when they say, I am very fallen, I am so sinful, my life is simply filled with sin, there is no trace of punya in my life. Actually, this is, this sort of sentiment is in the full light of Krishna consciousness. When a devotee becomes aware of Krishna’s greatness, Krishna’s purity, Krishna’s loving nature, in comparison with that, the devotee feels what have I done? In comparison to Krishna’s purity, even if I am very pure, I think, what is my purity? I am so impure.
Krishnadas Kaviraj Goswami, when he says, I am more fallen than Jagai and Madai. Now, how is that possible? What he is feeling over there is, Jagai and Madai, they never had any opportunity to interact with Lord Chaitanya. As soon as they got it, they took their mercy and they became great devotees.
I had so, the Lord was so merciful to me. He offered so much to me in love, but I have not reciprocated at all. Therefore, I am more fallen than them.
So, that sentiment of feeling oneself very fallen, that actually is because of the intense absorption in Krishna of the devotee and it increases their intense absorption in Krishna. Whereas, when we are in the mode of ignorance, our feeling, I am very fallen, there is no Krishna consciousness in that. There is only self-consciousness.
Sometimes, we ask, what is the difference between humility and inferiority complex? So, actually, they are very different. Inferiority complex is simply false ego frustrated. So, I want to be a big person, but what can I do? I don’t have any qualities by which I can be big.
Therefore, I feel inferior. So, when self-pity is there, there is complete self-centredness. I can’t do this, I can’t do that, therefore, I am useless.
It’s all centred on I, I, I. The essence of humility is not that I am so bad, I am so fallen, the essence of humility is that I am meant to serve Krishna. So, at our level, Prabhupada gives a very practical definition of humility. In the 13th chapter, verses 8 to 12, parpot, where he talks about Amanitva, Dambitva, there he says, humility means to not be anxious to have the satisfaction of being honoured by others.
To not be anxious to have the satisfaction of being honoured by others. Prabhupada is not saying that we should not be honoured by others. If somebody honours us, somebody appreciates us, somebody praises us, naturally we will be satisfied also by that.
But we don’t delight in that. We are not anxious about that. So, our purpose is to serve Krishna.
So, another way I put the same definition, essentially is, humility means to not let our ego come in the way of our purpose of serving Krishna. Not let our ego come in the way of our purpose of serving Krishna. So, if my service requires me to get some honour, I’ll accept that.
But if my service requires that I be neglected, I’m ready to accept that. Prabhupada was in India, he was respected in India as a sadhu, as a sanyasi. From here, Prabhupada went to America.
He came to America from India. In America, people just didn’t know what a sadhu meant. He was a strange old man.
At least in the initial years, Prabhupada would have had much more respect in India than he had in America. But Prabhupada came here because there was a service. People are more eager to hear about Krishna here than there.
So, for us, rather than thinking of humility in I am so fallen, the important thing is I am meant to serve Krishna. So, the essence of humility is to get out of self-consciousness and to go into Krishna consciousness. And for that purpose, you have to think, you know, I’m not such a big person.
What I am is not all that important. What Krishna is and how I can serve Krishna, that is more important. Humility is not so much thinking low of ourselves as thinking less of ourselves.
Thinking low means, oh, I am so bad, I am so fallen, I am so useless. Thinking less means, I don’t have to be the centre of my thoughts. Let me try to make Krishna the centre of my thoughts.
Let me try to serve Krishna as much as I can. So, for us, in many ways, Prabhupada is the model of how to be Krishna conscious. And there were times when Prabhupada did say that, you know, I am very fallen.
The first prayer that he offered when he came to America, you know, Kudra nami din nahi na kono shakti nahi. He says, I am a fallen person. I have no strength, I have no intelligence.
Krishna, you please help me. But when Prabhupada was interacting with people, he was not always saying, I am very fallen. He was thinking, okay, how can I serve these people by giving them the knowledge of Krishna, by helping them come closer to Krishna.
So, the essence of humility is to be absorbed in Krishna. And because the exalted devotees are so deeply absorbed in Krishna, realising Krishna’s greatness and purity and love, they feel they are very fallen. But when we don’t have that realisation of Krishna’s greatness and love and sweetness and purity, for us to artificially think I am so fallen, it will not work.
I may say, no, I am so fallen. I am more fallen than Jagai and Madai. And after saying that, we look around.
How many people are appreciating my humility? So, what will happen is, if we try to have this artificial expression of humility, we will become proud of our humility. So, rather than worrying so much about expressing our fallen condition, we focus on trying to serve Krishna and not let our ego come in the way of our service to Krishna. Any other questions? Mataji, you had a question yesterday.
You had a question? Okay. You mentioned that attitude is like the steering wheel of the car. A small change can lead to a big difference.
But to the extent that attitude is a function of the modes that we are under, to what extent do we really have control? So, if our attitude is largely a function of the modes that we are in, then how much do we have the capacity to change our attitude? We always have the capacity to choose which mode we are influenced by. That means, I may be more inclined to the mode of, say, passion than the mode of goodness. Or I may be more inclined to the mode of ignorance than the mode of passion.
But we can choose. In the 11th Canto of the Srimad Bhagavatam, there are many factors that are described by which we can change the mode influencing us. The books that we read, the people we associate with, the food that we eat, the kind of environment that we live in, the kind of mantras that we chant, the kind of sanskaras that we do.
Like that, 10 factors are given about how we can change the modes influencing us. And to a large extent, the process of Krishna consciousness is about changing these factors. But in that Bhagavatam, at that point, it is talking even materially, even if there is no Krishna involved, we can change those factors.
So, there are some people who are alcoholics. And most people, when they become alcoholics, they just stay alcoholics lifelong. But some people give up alcohol.
The most important thing that they have to do is, they have to give up alcohol, change their association. They are going to hang out with drunkards, they are going to be drunkards. So, giving up alcoholism may not be so easy, but changing the association is relatively easier.
So, the externals that influence the internals, we can try to change that. And by that, we can change the internals also. So, for example, if a car has a power steering, then if a young driver is there, we may not give them a car with power steering, simple steering.
So, then, suddenly, small big change is not there. That means, we can try to regulate the externals a little bit. So, for example, if my tendency is to, say, oversleep, then, what do I do with that? I may, I may not just keep an alarm, I may tell someone else to wake me up.
I may create support systems for myself by which I can resist the mode of ignorance. So, if I am studying and I feel sleepy, now, I have options. If I go out in the fresh air and I walk and then I read over there, that fresh air may rejuvenate me.
I can continue reading. That is choosing the mode of goodness. Now, if I say, come on, this is so boring, we just start looking at our messages, we start surfing on the net, we start watching some TV, that is in the mode of passion.
If I start feeling tired and I think, okay, you know, let me just go to my room, let me lie on the bed and while lying on the bed, I will study. What is going to happen? So, then, the externals affect the internals. Of course, sometimes you may be very tired and you may just need to sleep.
It is different, in different situations. But the important thing is, we can change the externals and for that we can use our intelligence in advance planning. Okay, when this happens, I will do this.
So, we are we are controlled by material nature. But, we are not fully controlled by material nature. That means, that for a soul who is in the in material consciousness, soul cannot just give up material things.
But within material things, we can choose. I can choose the mode of goodness, I can choose the mode of passion, I can choose the mode of ignorance. We have to eat.
But, somebody may be eating meat, somebody may be eating very passionate food, somebody may be eating goodness food. So, we have choices. So, basically, our, we can say our free will is like it has a, we have unlimited freedom within a limited framework.
If a horse is tied to a pole, horse is tied to a pole, then, within the radius of that rope, the horse can move back, move ahead, the grass has got to go over there and eat the grass. The horse can do a lot in that framework. But the horse can’t go out of that radius.
So, like that, we are controlled. But, within that control, we have freedom. So, by using whatever freedom we have properly, we can expand that freedom.
So, rather than saying this attitude is simply a product of my modes, I focus on what changes I can do within my situation. And connecting with Krishna is extremely empowering. Because connecting with Krishna gives us access to a power which is beyond the modes.
And by that power, we can overpower the influence of the modes much, much, much faster. Thank you. Yes, ma’am.
Usually, we have tried to change and influence people we are most attached to. This is usually members of our family. And, of course, we are just trying to make ourselves comfortable and convenient to these people.
So, we are trying to influence them and tell them start and give them example. Not only our first priority and reason to make the people better, but because I want to feel comfortable next to this person. So, it’s kind of selfish, right? So, how we have to set up our mind in order, because person who is next to us, this person also can feel, right, that I want to change him or her for my own satisfaction.
So, how we have to set up our mind in order to act on selfless platform. Okay. Yeah.
Sometimes you may want another person to change because if they change, it will be more comfortable for us. We are not so much concerned about the well-being of that person. And that person may also want us to change so that we will be more comfortable for them.
So, this is selfish calculation. So, how can we be more selfless in the interaction? See, the first thing is to want to be comfortable is not necessarily being selfish. It is, why do I want to be comfortable? Like say, I am sitting here, you are sitting there.
Now, if that position is little uncomfortable, we may shift. Now, what is the purpose of being comfortable? If by being comfortable we can serve Krishna better, I can speak better, you can hear better, then seeking comfort itself is not wrong. So, if comfort is an end in itself or if comfort is a means to a higher end, they are two different things.
So, there is no reason for us to be unnecessarily uncomfortable. If discomfort can be avoided, that’s good. But sometimes we go to a programme where everything is very crowded, very few places, very little places and we have to sit in a crowded place.
That’s unavoidable discomfort. We accept that. So, similarly in our relationships, sometimes some people may be behaving in a particular way which is not too difficult for them to change.
But that behaviour is very troublesome for us. So, then telling them about it and explaining why it causes discomfort to us may be a small thing for them to adjust, they adjust it. It is so important for you, I’ll do it.
So, communicating is not a problem. But demanding can be a problem. So, if we want that relationship to be comfortable so that both of us can do our work properly, do our service properly, both of us can move towards Krishna properly, then that’s a reasonable thing to communicate.
If that thing is difficult for them to change, then we need to learn tolerance. That means, yes. If it’s uncomfortable, I’ll accept it.
Once I was giving a talk on cultivating healthy relationships. So, I asked, when we are in the association of devotees, we have to tolerate many things. So, what all do we have to tolerate? So, one devotee very enthusiastically said, yes, we have to tolerate devotees.
So, I said, yes, it’s a good realisation that we should tolerate devotees and not go away from devotee association. But as we advance more, we will realise that devotees are tolerating us. So, actually, it works both ways.
Sometimes the other person has something which are uncomfortable for us and we have to tolerate them. And sometimes we have certain things which are uncomfortable for them and they have to tolerate us. So, relationships involve three dynamics.
One is the other person inspires us to change, we inspire the other person to change. So, there is some changing that has to be done in a relationship. And there is some tolerating also has to be done.
So, this is how this person is tolerated. And the most important thing is communicating in a proper way. That means not judging or labelling the person, but communicating in an objective way.
For example, when you do like this, this happens. When you don’t come on time, I couldn’t do this. It’s a big problem for me.
So, I felt annoyed. So, when we just, you are always lazy, you are this, you are that, that becomes a problem. So, communicating, if we learn to do it in a sensitive way, that can help a lot in minimising the problems.
It does not solve the problems. Every relationship is both an opportunity and a problem. It’s an opportunity for us to learn, to grow, to come closer to each other and come closer to Krishna.
That basic difference between a material relationship and a spiritual relationship is in the attitude with which we approach the relationship. In material relationships, we approach each other for gratification. You should gratify me and I’ll gratify you.
But in spiritual relationships, we approach each other for contribution. I want to serve you, I want to serve Krishna through you and with you. So, when we have that attitude, then the expectation is lesser.
So, we have the accommodation is more. So, if we have that attitude of contribution, then yes, in order to enhance our contribution, yes, if you could change this, this is good. But our focus is on contribution, not on gratification.
Does this answer your question? Thank you. Hare Krishna. In case there is indirect control.
So, in that case, we have to influence others. Correct? Sometimes, like, we tried all three ways to influence others, but it’s not working. So, in such scenario, like, what we should do? If all those three techniques are not working.
So, if indirect control doesn’t work through providing knowledge, providing facilities, setting example, then what should we do? See, when we face an unpalatable situation in our life, a difficult situation, broadly, we have three options. Change ourselves, change the situation, change the person, or walk away. And all three can be done with the right attitude, all three can be done with the wrong attitude.
The Pandavas, at different times in their lives, did all these three things. Initially, when the Kauravas were persecuting them, they tried to poison Bhima. Yudhishthir told them, this is an in-house matter, don’t make a big issue out of it, don’t tell anyone about it.
Even when they tried to burn the Pandavas at Varanavath, so, even when they tried to burn the Pandavas at Varanavath, Yudhishthir said, don’t make a big issue. So, they just changed themselves, tolerated. But, eventually, when Draupadi was dishonoured, when, even after the Pandavas had gone to exile, and the Kauravas showed no sign of remorse, they dismissed Krishna’s offer for peace, then, the Pandavas decided that now, we have to change the situation.
So, they fought, and they corrected the situation. They removed them from power. They had to punish them.
Later, when Krishna departed from the planet, the Pandavas walked away. Whatever service we had to do, it’s over now, I am going to walk away. Similarly, when we face a difficult situation, we have these three options.
Just tolerate it. This is the way it is. I will just live with it.
If I have a boss who is exploitative, what can I do? I just live with it. But, sometimes, the boss may not just be exploitative, but may be manipulative and backbiting and being unfair to us in vicious ways. Then, we may take action.
We may complain. We may seek some redress and go to an ombudsman or something like that. Or, we just say, this is not working.
I don’t want to waste my time. We just walk away. We just leave that job and seek some other job.
Now, all these three options can be done with the wrong attitude also. When I tolerate, why am I tolerating? If I am tolerating simply because I am helpless, then that resentment will still be there. But, if I am tolerating because I have more important things to do.
Yesterday, I explained tolerance means keeping small things small so that we can focus on big things. Yeah, this boss is troublesome, but this is a very good opportunity for my career. If I learn the skills over here, if I develop, I have much bigger things to do in my life.
So, then we can tolerate for that. If we are acting to counter also, what is the motivation? Motivation is vengefulness. If you did this to me, I will do this to you.
Then, we will be polluting our own consciousness. The Pandavas fought not to seek revenge, but to establish dharma. To set the principles of justice.
We may fight back or counter change the situation. We can do it with the right attitude or the wrong attitude. And, walking away is different from running away.
Now, when we run away from a situation, our mind is still caught in that situation. This is such a big problem. I can’t deal with it.
Therefore, I want to go away from this. And, when we are running away, our focus is not on where we are going. It is where we are going away from.
So, we are still problem conscious. But, when we walk away, that means that we decide this problem is so messy. I have better things to do in my life.
So, I will find the way ahead in some other path. So, going back to the driving example, if somebody in front of us is just driving very unpredictably, you know, just swerving around and making a mess, not allowing us to go also. If we are not going on something very urgent, we just say, let me drive slowly, I will reach to my destination.
Or, there is some person very troublesome, we may just call the cops. We may try to not ourselves confront the person, but do something about the situation. Or, sometimes we may just decide this person is too troublesome, I will just go by some other way.
So, we can do any of these three things. But, we do it with the attitude of service. Krishna, I am your servant and I am in this situation, please guide me how I can serve you.
So, if we do tolerating, changing or walking away in a mood of service, then actually we will grow through that situation. Does that answer your question? Yes. One more question? The last question.
Yes, sure. Good, good, good. My question is about the control, beyond the sphere of my own control.
So, actually, living entity being part and parcel of Krishna, the tendency to control is there. Especially, like, when it is in the relationship of the parent and the child. Because the child is dependent and younger than the parent.
So, that tendency is more. I mean, the parent kind of, I mean, I can say for myself, I am speaking for myself. And then you mentioned one point there that when we this very, very, like, like, I really want to take it as an observation that turn my attention to serving Krishna, then it will release me of the burden of being a controller.
So, it seems like in my own experience over the years in my Krishna consciousness that how the tendency to control, especially over the dependent is so much and really difficult when they are growing and they want to get out of control. So, as you mentioned that turning our attention to serving Krishna rather than, then it helps us release us of control. So, like, then it means that we should engage more in devotional service and seeking as service.
So, how can, like, this, and also in parent-child relationship as a parent, the mother or father, they have to also, you know, I mean, they are responsible for their children’s character and all those kind of things. So, how to balance between control and their duty as a parent? So, if you understand that we have limited control, especially over our children, but then we are responsible for our children’s character, their behaviour, and so how can we balance the recognising our limited controllership and still being responsible in that relationship with them? Yeah, the first thing is how do we define ourselves? All of us, we define ourselves in terms of our relationships. Some people say, oh, I am an Intel employee, I am an IBM employee, I work here, I am this.
So, through a relationship we define ourselves. Now, all of us internally have some relationship which becomes our defining identity. I may say, okay, I am the husband of this person, I am the wife of this person, I am the mother of this person, I am the son of this person, I am the daughter of this person.
All our relationships define us to some extent. But internally, how do we define ourselves? Practising bhakti is not just about chanting Hare Krishna or coming to satsang. These are all important.
But through these activities our defining identity needs to change. Our defining identity is I am a servant of Krishna. So, as a servant of Krishna, I am the husband of someone.
As a servant of Krishna, I am the wife of someone. As a servant of Krishna, I am the mother of someone. As a servant of Krishna, I am the son of someone.
So, when we have this defining identity in relationship with Krishna, that brings great security. Because Krishna is never going to abandon us. Krishna is never going to reject us.
And then we can see all our other relationships as services. If we don’t have this defining identity as a servant of Krishna, then our defining identity becomes in terms of some other relationship. And then if that relationship doesn’t work out, it’s not just a failure of that relationship, it creates a sense of worthlessness in me itself.
So, when my child is not developing a good character, then it is not that the child is doing something wrong. It is that I feel I have failed as a parent. And if being a parent is my defining identity, then I feel my life itself is a failure.
So, we cannot afford to define ourselves in terms of any horizontal relationship. Our definition is in terms of a vertical relationship. A month or so ago, in Columbus, I gave a talk on overcoming fear.
So, I talked about, I mentioned the top ten fears that people have. So, over the centuries, what are the fears? They did some analysis. So, there are two fears which are typically modern fears, which were not there in the previous century, or even a few decades ago.
One is the fear of terrorists, and the second is the fear of rejection. In the past, whether it is the East or West, most marriages were, say, arranged traditionally. Now, everybody has to try to appear as attractive, as smart, as possible.
And when they form a relationship, they feel very insecure. If somebody rejects me, if some relationship doesn’t work out, then it is not just that the relationship is not working out, people feel that I am unloveable. And that can be very crippling.
It’s a great fear. So, whether it is in a spousal relationship or in a parental relationship, if we define ourselves in terms of any horizontal relationship, we will set ourselves up for great frustration. And then, now, we try to clamp down and control our child, not so much because it is good for the child, but it’s because I want this child, I want to look good in the eyes of this world through this child.
So, our, often it is our extended ego that comes into the picture. You know, once a husband and the wife, they went to a court to fight. And their matter of argument was, the husband wanted our child should become an engineer.
The wife said, our child should become a doctor. The judge said, why did you have to come to court? Just ask the child. He says, no, we can’t ask the child.
Why? Child is not yet born. So, sometimes, our sense of identity gets so tied up with someone else, that we project our sense of self-worth onto that person, and if that person is not even born, but I want him to be a doctor because a doctor will increase my prestige. So, like that, if we are ourselves insecure, then that insecurity reflects in that relationship.
And then we try to become too controlling, too domineering and too fearful when that attempt to control is rejected. So, if we see parenting as a service to Krishna, and in life, we will do many services. Some services are more important than others.
Some services are less important. But even in important services, sometimes we may get success, sometimes we may not get success. Prabhupada was a pure devotee, and he preached in India for almost 40 years.
And he got not much success. He was preaching simply because of the instruction of his spiritual master. So, he had no selfish motive in that.
And still he got no success over there. So, the nature of service in this world is, sometimes it may be successful, sometimes it may not be successful. But as long as we are trying to serve Krishna, we are acting in a mode of service to Krishna, we will be growing.
We will be going towards Krishna. So, if we see that relationship as a service to Krishna, then even if that service doesn’t work out, we won’t feel extremely insecure or unworthy. Yes, naturally we are concerned, we will be disappointed if things are not working out.
But, we will not feel shattered. And then we can accept it more naturally. And you also need to know that we go through phases.
Especially teenage years, they go through phases. Again, quoting Oscar Wilde, he said that, when I was 17, my father was enormous. But now, I am 25, it’s amazing how much the old guy has learned in 8 years.
So, obviously, it is not the father who has learned in 8 years. It is, when we are very young, we think, I know everything. The parents, they are just from another generation.
They don’t know anything. But as we start growing, then teenage years are actually very difficult to use. And even if in teenage, there is rebellion, we should just, it’s not that we approve what they are doing, but we still offer our love.
We also offer our love. Whatever you do, we will tell our approval, our disapproval, what our inputs are. But we don’t reject them no matter whatever happens.
We keep our love, we keep ourselves available to them. And over a period of time, they will themselves realise, the teenage is a time when they are exploring their identity. In the pre-teen years, children are primarily defined as the son of so and so or daughter of so and so.
That is their definition. When they grow into adults, they have their own identity. I am an engineer, I am a doctor, I am working in this company.
In the teenage years, they have, they are in the flux. They are, so they don’t want to be defined as I am the son of so and so, I am the daughter of so and so, whatever. They want their own identity.
But they have no position, they have no qualification, so they don’t have any identity. And that’s why, they themselves are very insecure. They are very much in the search of identity.
That’s why they become very vulnerable to peer pressure. So, in order to look good, in their social circle, if drinking is what makes them cool, look cool, then they will drink. Drugs will make them look cool, that’s what they will do.
So, if we can try to provide them a good social circle as much as possible, and they may experiment sometimes. Sometimes they may go on wrong tracks, but if we have given devotional impressions to them in their childhood as much as possible, those impressions will stay with them. And sooner or later, they will realise.
So, if we have not antagonised them, if when they go away from us, or they start doing something which is wrong, which is very hurting to us, if we make that into an ego issue, it means, don’t do this. I am telling you, this is terrible for you. You are being so arrogant now, one day you will realise you are wrong and you will come crawling back on your knees to me.
Now, if we make it like that, even if they realise they are wrong, they will not come back. But, if we just, we give our inputs, we give our advice, but if they don’t accept it, then we still accept them. We don’t accept their particular behaviour.
But, we accept them. And then eventually, they will realise and they will come back. So, teenage years are difficult.
They are difficult. It’s almost like parents feel, you know, my sweet little girl, why did she disappear? And who is this? Who is this disagreeable, irritable person who has come in her place? It’s very difficult years for them. It’s for parents also.
But just, if we don’t overreact, if we don’t alienate, if we don’t make it into a personal insecurity issue, if we don’t make it into an ego issue, then that period will pass. And even if they get some scars, those scars will make them wiser. And then, we can have a more harmonious relationship.
Thank you very much. Shila Prabhupada Ki! Louder! Shila Prabhupada Ki! Thank you so much for those watching us on Facebook. We have a break of 30 minutes.