Is it selfish to want others to change so that we can be more comfortable?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

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Thank you Krishna Sometimes we may want another person to change because if they change it will be more comfortable for us we are not so much concerned about the well-being of that person and that person may also want us to change so that we will be more comfortable for them so this is selfish calculations how can we be more selfless in the interaction see the first thing is to want to be comfortable is not necessarily being selfish it is why do I want to be comfortable like say I am sitting here you are sitting there now if that position is little uncomfortable we may shift now what is the purpose of being comfortable if by being comfortable we can serve Krishna better I can speak better, you can hear better then seeking comfort itself is not wrong so if comfort is an end in itself or if comfort is means to a higher end they are two different things so there is no reason for us to be unnecessarily uncomfortable if discomfort can be avoided that’s good but sometimes we go to a program where everything is very crowded very few places and we have to sit in a crowded place that’s unavoidable discomfort, we accept that so similarly in our relationships sometimes some people may be behaving in a particular way which is not too difficult for them to change but that behavior is very troublesome for us so then telling them about it and explaining why it causes discomfort to us may be it will be small thing for them to adjust so communicating is not a problem but demanding can be a problem so if we want that relationship to be comfortable so that both of us can do our work properly do our service properly both of us can move towards Krishna properly then that’s a reasonable thing to communicate if that thing is difficult for them to change then we need to learn tolerance so uncomfortable I’ll accept it once I was giving a talk on cultivating healthy relationships so I asked when we are in the association of devotees we have to tolerate many things so what all do we have to tolerate one devotee may be enthusiastic yes we have to tolerate devotees laughing laughing so I said yes that’s a good realization that we should tolerate devotees and not go away from devotee association but as we advance more we will realize that devotees are tolerating us laughing laughing laughing actually it works both ways sometimes other person has something which are uncomfortable for us and we have to tolerate them and sometimes we have certain things which are uncomfortable for them and they have to tolerate us so relationships involve three dynamics one is the other person inspires us to change we inspire the other person to change there is some changing that has to be done in a relationship and there is some tolerating also has to be done so you know this is how this person is tolerated and the most important thing is communicating in a proper way that means not judging or labeling the person but communicating in objective you know for example when you do like this, this happens when you don’t come on time I couldn’t do this, this is a big problem for me so I felt annoyed so when we just, you are always lazy, you are this, you are that, that becomes a problem so communicating if we learn to do it in a sensitive way that can help a lot in minimizing the problem it is not solve the problem every relationship is both an opportunity and a problem it’s an opportunity for us to learn, to grow to come closer to each other and come closer to Krishna that basic difference between material relationship and spiritual relationship is in the attitude which we approach the relationship in material relationship we approach each other for gratification you should gratify me and I will gratify you but in spiritual relationship we approach each other for contribution I want to serve you I want to serve Krishna through you and with you so when we have that attitude then the expectation is lesser so we have the accommodation is more so if we have that attitude of contribution then yes in order to enhance our contribution, yes if you could change this this is good, but our focus is on contribution not on gratification did I answer your question? Thank you.