Mind It 2 – How unrealistic expectations hamper our relationships

[Seminar at ISKCON, Chowpatty, Mumbai]

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This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare Hare Krishna Thank you for coming today and can you go to slide 18 I think, slide 18. We will just go over the summary. So I explained last time about how our moods affect our moods.
So the same thing which seems awesome can become awful later. The mood is a subtle force that shapes the interaction between matter and consciousness. In the mood of goodness, we think before we act.
In passion, we act then we think. In ignorance, there is simply neither proper action nor proper thinking. There is simply delusion.
And within us, the mind is like a screen which integrates the inputs coming from the senses. And depending on the conditioning that are present within us, depending on the way the moods affect us, certain things zooms up within us. So let me just go straight ahead.
No need to change this. Okay, next one. Go behind and stop.
So the moods affect us individually in particular ways which cause certain windows to zoom up. Say alcoholic, as soon as they say alcohol, that way desire zooms up. And each of us has particular things that zoom up within us based on our conditioning.
So this shapes how we perceive things. For us to keep a balance, we have to have perspective and purpose. But these are lost when unimportant things zoom up, then important things get zoomed out.
So I discussed about how generally even the moods are lower, then the emotions which are non-rational response are stronger. And emotion is meant to be balanced by reason but quite often it is not. And that’s how that leads us to act in an imbalanced way which leads to unwanted reactions.
Then we talked about knowledge in the three modes. In ignorance we perceive only material reality and that too partially. Then in passion we perceive only the material reality.
In goodness we see material and spiritual properly. So we discussed how there are three stages when we interact with the world. We perceive, we process and then we pursue, we act on it, we decide to do something.
So yesterday I talked about our perception primarily. Today I will talk about processing. Our theme was also the modes how they affect our emotions, behaviours and relationships.
So today I will first speak about relationships. And then tomorrow I will speak about behaviours and how to respond appropriately. How to see others behaviours and how to respond with our behaviour also.
So let’s look at it. Go behind. So interaction when there is a different modes.
There is a prominent theme when we interact. When people are in ignorance or even one person is in ignorance. When there is a interaction, the basic mode is if there is an ignorance, if this doesn’t work out, if it doesn’t work out for me, it should not work out for you also.
So it’s destruction. That if things don’t work out right, I will destroy. So most of us know stories like say there were two neighbours and both of them were very envious of each other.
So both of them were praying to God for help, for fulfilling their desires. And God came before them and the first one. He said, what do you want? I will give it to you.
He is eager to ask. He said, then, first one caution. Whatever I give you, I will give the double of that to your neighbour.
And what did this person say? Pluck out one eye, make me blind in one eye. So the neighbour will become blind in both eyes. Now when this is told in some traditional setting, we just laugh at it.
But it’s not that remote from us. I saw one advertisement once here in Mumbai itself. Buy this car and enjoy the envy in your neighbours.
Enjoy the envy. So the reference point is that if I don’t get it, other person should not get it. Destruction.
So in this interaction, if my way doesn’t work out, then let everything be destroyed. So in mode of passion in this interaction, we just want domination. Now my way has to work out.
I am right and you have to accept that I am right. And when we are talking about interaction, this can be between two individuals in a home. It can be in office.
It can be between two groups. It can be between two countries. It can be interaction at various levels.
But when the mode of passion is prominent, there has to be domination. ईश्वरोहम अहम् भोगी सिद्धो अहम् बल्वान्सुखी आध्यो अभिजन्वानस्मी कोन्यो अस्ति सद्रुष्यो मया In the Bhagavad Gita, in the 16th chapter, when Krishna talks about the Asuri Sampad, he says that the mentality is Ishwaroham. I am the controller, bhogi.
I am the enjoyer. कोन्यो अस्ति सद्रुष्यो मया Who is there like me? आध्यो अभिजन्वानस्मी I am great and all around me are people who are telling me how great I am. So, their greatness is that they tell me my greatness.
So, that is the kind of mentality that people have. And in this situation, in the mode of passion, it’s either my way or the highway. So, that’s the way people interact.
In the mode of goodness, when there is interaction, there is discussion. क्या है इस अंदिस्टानिय? You are thinking this way. Why is it that way? Why are you thinking like that? Let me understand it.
So, through this, more mature understanding emerges. When we act in the mode of goodness, then we can discuss and we can resolve issues. But unfortunately, that doesn’t happen most of the time.
So, another way of looking at it is… So, go ahead. Yeah. So, same way we could put it, in a different word, that in the mode of ignorance, the destruction can be outward or it can be inward also.
Say, sometimes one person thinks that I am in love with the other person, but the other person doesn’t respond. And sometimes one person wants to blame and destroy the other person. Or they become depressed and they try to destroy themselves.
So, the destruction can be outward when we try to hurt the other person. Or the destruction can go inward also, where we think of ourselves as victims and we want to destroy ourselves. Either way, the destructive mentality is there.
Now, going further, if we see, there is the mode of passion in which one feels the same way that I have to dominate means I have to be the victor. So, they see interactions only in terms of victory or defeat. They don’t see interactions primarily as give and take.
It is, I know and you have to accept what I know. Whereas, in the mode of goodness, it’s part. Yes, we are working together in this.
In some cases, I am right. In some cases, you may be right. Going further.
So, if you see, now I talk about interactions. I will now talk about expectations. This is going to be the main theme of the class.
So, expectation means, I am talking both interaction and expectation. It’s how we process things. What is the mindset we take with us when we are processing things.
So, in terms of expectation, when we are in the mode of ignorance, we always are fearful. This may go wrong, that may go wrong, that may go wrong. Everything will go wrong.
Oh, the world is such a big bad place and I always get a roddy limit. Yes, things do go wrong in life. But, when we go in with that mentality, then that mentality becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy, where we create more trouble than is necessary by our pessimistic mentality.
So, I said that for every problem, there is a solution. But, there are some people with every solution, they will find a problem. So, in the mode of ignorance, it is like that.
In the mode of passion, whereas the mode of ignorance is excessively pessimistic, the mode of passion is unrealistically optimistic. Everything will go right. Oh, sorry, that’s what I have written wrong over there.
Sorry, everything will go right. So, that’s the mentality over there, where one just feels that, Oh, I have made my plans and they should work out to perfection. On the other hand, in goodness, we understand that there are things which will go right.
Let’s focus on that and be happy with that. And things that go wrong, we will see how to manage it. So, we could say there is pessimism, optimism and realism.
Realism means there is a realistic assessment of situations. Now, it is good to have an optimistic mentality. But, that doesn’t mean that optimistic mentality puts one in denial of reality.
Optimism means we accept the present reality and then we see how we move forwards. Just like if there is a glass of water. Now, as we often say, you can say the glass is half empty or half full.
Now, if I am looking at it half empty, you can say I am pessimistic. If I am looking at it half full, I can say I am optimistic. But, if I am very thirsty and the glass is half empty, then if I imagine that it is full, I will not do anything to fill it.
Worse still, if the glass is empty and I say, Oh, it’s full. That’s not going to work. So, optimism means not that we deny reality.
We accept the reality and then we try to see how we can, if something is wrong with the reality, how we rectify it. You go ahead. So, here I will talk about some terminology which is developed in modern psychology and then we will see how that relates with the Vedic concept of the modes.
So, basically, this is that when people function in the world, broadly speaking, you can say there are two different kinds of people. Some people are maximisers and some people are optimisers. Maximiser means they want the absolute best in every single thing that they get.
So, for example, if somebody has to purchase a new mobile, then they will want to look at every single mobile that is there in the market and they will see which has the best feature, which has the best price and then they will get that. This is good, isn’t it? We should always get the best deal. Yes, it is good to get the best deal.
But, suppose in trying to get the best mobile, if a person, now there are so many mobiles and so many places from which you can get mobiles, if a person spends six months searching for a mobile itself and that person forgets there are other things also we need to do in life. So, okay, we decide I need to get a new mobile and I want to get a good one. So, I will decide that in the next one week, maybe I will spend half an hour every day, one hour every day, whatever I want.
I will talk with a few people, ask around and then I will decide. So, we cannot, we have to look for the best in our situation. If in everything we look for the absolute best, then in looking for the absolute best in everything, we can’t do everything that we need to do.
One thing takes a huge amount of time and other more important things get neglected. Suppose we are cooking because we have some party or some festival or some event at our home and we want to cook very nicely. Now, it’s good to cook very nicely.
But, suppose we take so much time to cook that the guests come and go, then what is the use of cooking? Yes, maybe if we spend more time, we could cook even better. We could find out more of recipes, we could experiment more, we could do more. But, then we live in the real world.
So, where we have a finite amount of time and by that time we have to get things done. So, in the situation that we are in, we have to do the best. So, there is a cycle with Barry Schwartz, he wrote a book called The Paradox of Choice.
How more leads to less. So, the whole idea is there that when people have too much choice, that doesn’t give freedom, that causes burden. There is too much choice.
So, now in the western world, in America and some other places, there is, in every field, people have given a lot of choice. You decide. So, even if you go to a doctor, because doctors are also afraid that we may get sued if something wrong happens.
So, in some extreme cases, what may even happen is, if the disease is such that it is not so easy to diagnose. So, doctor may tell, these are your symptoms. And these symptoms, you may be having this disease or this disease or this disease.
Now, you decide which treatment you want. How can the patient decide that? So, if the choice of the treatment is given to the patient Yes, if there is something major like should I do a surgery or should I not do a surgery That choice the doctor can give with the recommendation But if there is too much choice with respect to what the patient should do The patient is not equipped to take that choice So, similarly if I want to purchase a toothpaste And I go to supermarket there are 100 brands of toothpaste Now if I decide to compare the ingredients of every single one of them The price of every one of them and then I decide to purchase You know probably the whole day will go off and I will not have brushed my tooth also So, we cannot be unrealistic in terms of wanting the best in everything We have to look for the best in our situation So, optimisation means its maximum but in the situation Not the absolute maximum or the absolute best Now if somebody is a maximiser what is the result of that? So, sociologists have found that it has three consequences So, first is that there is disappointment Because when one puts in a lot of effort in getting something Then after they get it there is so much expectation has been raised You know if I spend six months to decide which mobile to purchase And then finally I purchase the mobile It’s a dream phone I have got now And nothing lives up to our dream So, if there is a slight problem there is a disappointment There is a anticlimax And even if one gets a very good product There is always the nagging regret over there Maybe if I had searched more I might have got a better product I might just have got a better product And eventually what happens that as products keep getting improved A better product does come in the market And then that leads to frustration Oh I am stuck with this now I should have got that one So, in this way basically all that effort that is put in Trying to get the best Eventually it doesn’t lead to greater satisfaction So, sociologists have found that maximisers do get a better deal for their money As compared to optimisers They are able to find a product which gives them more worth for their money But it takes a price in something else The price is in terms of the emotion that they invest in it And the negative emotion that results from it The frustration, the disappointment, the regret all that So, now this is with respect to products That if we go in looking for the best in everything Then we will be frustrated And this same mentality can be applied even to relationships When we go out looking for the absolute best in everything In relationship I want the absolute best Then the result is that no matter what we get or what we have It leads to frustration So, I was in America just a few months ago And there was one boy who has been a devotee for almost 10-12 years And he is very well educated from NIT And in a very big company in America So, he is been trying to marry but he has not been able to marry for almost 10 years now So, then he was very frustrated by that Then I was talking with his counsellor over there So, his counsellor was telling Why is he finding it so difficult? He said that he wants a girl who has the beauty of Miss Universe And who has the devotion of a Devakunti So, nowadays there is this Because in the past there was arranged marriages Now there is not so Especially in the western world there is not so much structure for arranged marriages So, people want to find their own partner And three things have happened in parallel One is that the structure for forming relationships has disrupted for various reasons Second is that because there is so much entertainment available in today’s world As compared to the past it is much much more There are so many movies, so many novels And they all talk about romance Most of the novels and movies are about romance And the whole idea is you find your dream partner So, that on one side the structure has gone down Because of the media propaganda the expectation has gone And thirdly what has happened is that The pressure and the demand from the relationships has become too much Because most people in today’s world don’t live in a joint family They live in nuclear family So, traditionally if we have multiple relationships Different needs are fulfilled by different relationships The parent fulfils a particular need The grandparent fulfils a particular need With say a friend or a cousin Different needs are fulfilled But when there are not many relationships around us And there is only say the spouse Then all the needs from all the relationships we expect from the other ones It just doesn’t work So, when we maximise with respect to relationships We set ourselves up for frustration So, here the problem is that we are having Now it’s important when we move into any situation We naturally have some expectations And it is not that optimisers don’t have expectations But there is a difference between realistic expectation and unrealistic expectation So, those who are optimisers They are in the we could say in the mode of goodness Those who are maximisers are in the mode of passion And there is a natural emotion which is involved When there is either when we are purchasing a product Or when we are trying to form a relationship But the problem is that when we are trying to form a relationship Or we are trying to get anything At that time the emotion has to be balanced by reason I talked about this yesterday Now in the mode of passion there is only the emotion And there is the reason element has gone down inordinately So, that reason is what helps us to come to realism Not go towards optimism or go towards pessimism So, when that reason element is there Then we can find out We can balance our optimism and balance our pessimism with realism Then we can move forwards So, this applies not just to relationship This also applies to groups Now if you want to join any group, any society, any social group If you look for some ideal group of people There is no ideal group existing in this world And if at all there is an ideal group existing We wouldn’t gain admission there Because we aren’t ideal We all have our issues So, once I was giving a class And at that time I was talking about tolerance I will come to tolerance more in tomorrow’s class When we talk about pursuing But tolerance is related to the moderating of expectations So, I was asking this When we are practising spiritual life also We have to tolerate many things What all do we have to tolerate? So, one devotee very enthusiastically raised hand Yes, we have to tolerate devotees We have to tolerate devotees So, I said yes, this is a good realisation And that at least we should stay on in devotion Even if there is some problem, we tolerate those problems We tolerate devotees But if we keep practising Then as we come to the mode of goodness more and more We will realise that devotees are tolerating us So, it works both ways It is not just that we are tolerating others We also have certain behavioural traits which trouble others So, neither the people around us are ideal Nor we are ideal So, this doesn’t mean that we just accept anything and everything That life dishes out to us We have to take a stand at times But we have to be realistic I am right now talking about processing So, how to take a right stand That I will talk about tomorrow when we talk about pursuing But go ahead at this time of processing So, I talk about over expectation We have a situation where the whole world And the best in the whole world is depicted before us Through the media And when that becomes our reference point Then whatever we find in real life That always seems pale and stale in comparison So, the reference point itself is such that When we see in the movies, when we see on TV When we see in media In general we see the best of everything But in real life that’s not how it is Actually even what we see in the media Even the people whom we see there in real life They are not as good looking Or they are not as good as they look But it’s all depiction So, when this depiction is there If that depiction in the media is the basis of our expectation Then that sets us up for frustration Because our expectation is unrealistic One of the biggest problems in today’s world is When there is an overdose of entertainment Entertainment has always been there throughout history And there may be different kinds of entertainment Music or drama or whatever It has always been there But the big difference between entertainment now And entertainment in the past is That entertainment has become so dominant That for many people The entertainment world is more real than the real world That is where they live That is what they think is the reality In fact, if we consider Who are the highest paid professionals in today’s world? Who do you think? Who are the highest paid professionals? Yes Sports players, actors You know, just now the IPL auction was there And players, you know, like several crores Some players who just knew They not even played international cricket Still they went for crores So now There was one social critic, he said If a person can kick a ball with his foot That person earns almost 50 times more than A person who can heal an injured foot So There was a movie about One boxer, an Indian boxer from northeast Mary Kom So, the movie was made in Bollywood And the actress who made the movie By making the movie, she earned more money Than what this 4 star had earned throughout her life So, entertainment is such that Entertainment is paid enormously Now, actually What a society values Reflects the society’s values What a society values Values means, if we are paying Now we may say, why this entertainment Entertain us, 4 stars or movie stars We paid so much Outrageous amounts That indicates that in society There is such a great need for entertainment Now, entertainment at one level Is not like a basic need We need food, we need water, we need air We can live without entertainment We can’t live without food, air, water But, what has happened is in today’s world People feel entertainment is such a great need for them That they are ready to shell out Enormous amounts of money for it And why is there such a great need for entertainment? That is because There is a strong Dissatisfaction with reality It is such an unbearable dissatisfaction with reality That one has to escape into the entertainment And one is ready to pay any price to escape Again, entertainment itself is not bad And yes, life can become burdensome And we all need some break, we all need some stimulation So, some entertainment is fine But, when again one loses perspective And entertainment becomes such a compulsive need That one just can’t function There is one boy in Thailand or somewhere In that part of He was surfing on the net Continuously for 71 hours And he was just surfing, surfing He forgot to eat, he forgot to sleep He forgot to drink also And finally, there itself he got a stroke and fell unconscious There was another boy in the neighbourhood He just called the ambulance and he was saved But, surfing on the net, okay You can read something, you can entertain yourself But, compulsiveness Where one even forgets basic bodily needs Because of the urge to get that entertainment So, this is because We are so dissatisfied with the reality around us That we want to escape from it And, so the entertainment industry becomes The most paid industry because Entertainment is an extremely highly felt need There are needs which are actual needs But, there are also needs which are felt needs So, that is such a great felt need That people can’t live without it And, when that entertainment world becomes a real world Becomes practically like a real world Then, the result is That we lose our capacity to function in the real world Our mind is so filled with images and ideas Which we have got from the entertainment world That in the real world, whatever is available Appears very unsatisfactory So, at one level the solution is Don’t depress yourselves Depress your expectations Of yourself and of others So, if we somehow come to face We have this conception of reality Which we have got from the media And, then we compare that with the reality That we experience in life And, then it can be very depressing This is so bad, that is so bad This is so wrong, that is so wrong And, we can get frustrated by that We can get depressed by that Depression can be a clinical condition Where medical treatment is required But, quite often depression is Usually it is not a clinical condition It is basically when life gives us a raw deal And, we are unable to accept it When what we have aspired for, what we have dreamt for We just don’t get it And, we are unable to accept it So, then we get depressed Now, small children when they don’t get what they want They start crying loudly And, crying and screaming and throwing temper tantrum Older people may not have the facility to cry But, they go into depression So, basically a basic lesson of growing up A basic point about growing up is Learning to take no gracefully I want this toy And, now the child starts crying But, then as we grow up We understand that everything that we want We may not get it This again doesn’t mean that We should not aspire for anything It’s just that we have to be realistic So, many people are physically grown up But, emotionally they are still like children So, one indication that one is still emotionally In a childhood is that One is not able to take no gracefully It’s painful if we have put in a lot of effort To get something and we don’t get it But, then it happens with everyone As we take it on our chest and move on with life As we have to accept that’s how life is If you look at scriptures Even for great saintly devotees Life was not a cake walk Ram for no fault of his was exiled The Pandavas for no fault of theirs were persecuted So, the scriptures also tell us that Life is not a cake walk for whoever they may be So, this we don’t have to become depressed So, this depression can be in two ways When it goes inward So, in the mode of passion there is too much expectation And, when that expectation does not work out Then one goes into depression Nothing will work out So, either one becomes too pessimistic about others Or we become too pessimistic about ourselves So, either way this becomes very emotionally destructive For ourselves or for others So, now the word depressed has a negative connotation Here I am not using the negative connotation Basically lower, moderate the expectations Basically come from being a maximiser to a optimiser Can move on So, now this brings us to another point That we all move forward, we are driven in life by ambition And spiritual life often we are told we should be satisfied But in many, especially people who live in today’s competitive world Often satisfaction is considered a negative thing If you are satisfied what drive you will have? How will you achieve in your life? How will you move forward? We say never be satisfied That’s how you will be able to move on in your life So, should we have ambition? And if we have ambition then can we never have satisfaction? What does it mean? So, does it mean that if I have to be satisfied I have to give up ambition? No, not exactly There is, we can have satisfaction and we can have also ambition The balance comes based on what is the reference point If my ambition is about what I will get Then what I am going to get in the world is not in my control If my ambition is about what I am going to give What I am going to contribute Then that is in my control If I start, I am going to come first in my class If I am a student I want to come first in my class That’s good, that will inspire me to study seriously But if I somehow don’t come first in the class Then I am just going to depression If my focus is on, ok, I will do my very best If the ambition is not so much in terms of expectation As in terms of contribution As I have certain abilities And if I discipline myself, if I train myself, if I work hard I can hold these abilities And with this I can make a better contribution So the ambition can be in terms of what we are bringing in Now of course there is a natural expectation of reciprocation And I will come to that in a few minutes But the point is that if the ambition is about what we will get We put ourselves in insecurity Because what we are going to get is not in our control Our effort is in our control But the result is not in our control So the ambition can be about what we are going to contribute How we are going to put in the effort And satisfaction means that we may look at what we don’t have But we focus on what we have We focus on what we have In the Bhagavad Gita in the 17th chapter In the 16th verse Krishna says Satisfaction is an austerity of the mind manah prasada saunyatvam maunam atma vinigraha bhavasam shuddhir kietat tapo manasam uchyate Krishna says tapo manasam uchyate This is the austerity of the mind The first austerity is manah prasad Satisfaction So normally we think of satisfaction as an emotion that we feel Oh I am feeling satisfied I am not feeling satisfied So yes satisfaction is a feeling Satisfaction is an emotion But satisfaction is not just an emotion Satisfaction can also be a decision That means if I choose to look at what I have Oh this is right in my life This is good in my life This is good in my life Then I can be satisfied If I look at all that I don’t have I will be dissatisfied So when we say satisfaction is a decision That means that we make consciously the effort To focus on what is right in our life One of the easiest ways to change our mind From negative, grudging, irritated to positive Is to look for what is right in our life To count our blessings When we feel agitated Hey this person did like this That person did like this That went wrong That went wrong Okay count what is right in my life Nothing is right in my life Oh really At least I am alive I am healthy I am not starving There are so many people So much worse is happening in their life As compared to what is in our life So if we look at the movies There are so many things which are better This person looks so good This person has this much money This person is having this If you look at the news You see there is so much wrong in the world also So basically if we can just focus on what is right That can give us some satisfaction This is not that more things can’t be right But there are things which are right So that is the basis of satisfaction As a decision means We consciously direct our vision From what is wrong to what is right From what we don’t have to what we have So when we do this we can have satisfaction Now this doesn’t mean When I am looking at what I have That doesn’t mean I don’t try for something more But when trying for something more I focus on contribution Not on expectation Okay these many things are right in my life And I would like this also to be right What can I do So that way we can have a positive focus of the mind Can you go ahead So now the Bhagavad Gita 2.47 Is one of the most common And one of the most mysterious verses from the Bhagavad Gita कर्मन्यवाधिकारस्ते माः पलेशु कदाचिन माः कर्माः पलेहे तुर्भूर् माः ते संगोस्तो धर्मने I was in a university in America And there was an Indian student She was asking Now if I start living according She was saying that You are teaching Bhagavad Gita Bhagavad Gita is not practical at all I said what do you mean She said that If I am a student Now if What inspires me to study is I will get good grades I will get into a great university I will get a good job That is what inspires me to work If I become detached from that How will I ever work So Detachment is not practical Because it is our attachment That inspires us to perform So how is this practical So I explained That her conception of what the Bhagavad Gita teaches Is wrong The Bhagavad Gita asks us to be detached From results Not from goals कर्मन्यवादिका रस्ते मा फलेशु कदाजिन Fala is result Now results are what we get After an action is done Goals are what we set Before the action is done We cannot understand a book Ever without understanding its context So if I take the Bhagavad Gita I have to look at the Mahabharata After the Bhagavad Gita was spoken Arjuna fought the Mahabharata war And when he fought that Mahabharata war At that time every morning He would come out with a strategy This is the enemy I am going to tackle today These are the forces that I am going to attack And that was basically a goal which he was setting for each day And Krishna as his charioteer Helped him to go about achieving the goals So its not that Arjuna was uncaring When he was working Before that when Arjuna as a student was practising archery He wanted to be the best archer And it was that goal that motivated him to work hard So then Arjuna is not being told Be detached from goals So set goals Now what is the big difference Its the same thing isn’t it But the difference is that What is in our control and what is not in our control When we set goals That is the time when we can make our contribution So the contribution is in our hands As a student if I am studying for my exam Then the contribution is in my hand How well do I study, how well do I prepare myself That is in my hand Now after I have given the exams Then the results are not in my hands So that is what I need to be detached from Understanding that now I have done my part That there are factors beyond my control Which also change the results Can you go ahead Some of you might have been there last time Last year when I took a seminar on destiny So there I spoke elaborately about this I will just talk about it in an introductory way here That the relationship between action and result Is not simply point A to point B Its not that this action produces this result Its a long journey that goes through it There is karma that is the action that we do And phala is the result that we want But the karma alone doesn’t produce the phala In between there is daiva and kala Daiva is destiny and kala is time So karma has to be done, the action has to be done But after that the destiny has to be right And the time has to pass rightly enough Then only the result will come So consider for example farming When a farmer sows the seeds and ploughs the land That is the karma After that the rain coming in time in proper quantity Is the daiva And after that the season changing till the harvest comes That is the kala So karma plus daiva plus kala leads to phala When a couple gets married they want to have a child They can try to have a child But just their effort is not enough There has to be daiva There is something beyond Even with the best doctor’s help Its not that its automatically guaranteed There is something beyond us which is also controlled That is daiva And then even if that sanctioned Its not that tomorrow one can get a baby Its a whole period of gestation 9-10 months and then after that there is After kala is passed then there is phala Then the child is born So in some cases the role of daiva and kala is easy to see In some cases it may not be very easy to see So suppose we are preparing for exam So our part is the karma But then by destiny between our doing karma and getting the phala Many things may come up May not be able to prepare So we might just forget something at that time Or maybe there are too many good competitors at that time Or maybe the examiner is in a bad mood Or maybe if there is a machine Instead of an examiner the machine malfunctions Something goes wrong in the computer code So the daiva may not work out right So the destiny also plays a role Now destiny is not something arbitrary and cruel out there Destiny is also basically the sum total of our own past karma So what we have done in the past That good actions and bad actions They get cumulated as destiny So and they come upon us at different times So that’s why two people may do the same karma But they may not get the same phala Two students may study together But one student gets very high marks Other student doesn’t get that many good marks So daiva is different And sometimes the kala also plays a role That means for some people That time just may not be right And even if they do their best it just doesn’t work So have to accept this So when the bhagavata says be satisfied or be detached The detachment is not from karma Detachment is from phala That’s why we look at the full verse You do not have a right to the fruit Do not be attached to the result But the other part is You have a right to do your work And not only do you have a right to do your work The last line is Do not be attached to not doing your work That means Krishna is saying It is your responsibility to do your work So put in your effort to the best that you can You have a right to do that And you have a responsibility to do that So the karma is both our right and our responsibility And then the third line is Do not think that you alone are the cause of the result So when we understand this Then we can look at expectation in a more informed way Whenever we go into any situation We take a new job, we form a new relationship We go to a new place There is a natural expectation that is there There is some apprehension But some expectation is also there So there are emotions that are involved over there But the emotion needs to be balanced by reason When this balance is there Then we can accept reality And then only when we accept reality Then we can decide how can I improve reality It is not that we can’t improve reality But we have to begin with accepting the reality Can you go ahead? So now we move to the spiritual side Which we will come back again tomorrow in more detail We can be optimisers in our material life Optimisers with the products that we purchase The relationship that we pursue But we need to maximise our spiritual Go for the best In the spiritual realm also there are many different options Maybe I can do this, maybe I can do that The Bhagavad Gita reveals the conception of God who is all attractive Krishna is Sarvaakarshati Krishna One who attracts everyone Yad Yad Vibhooti Matsattvam Shreemadurjitamebhava Tattadevabhagachatvam Mamatejvamsisambhava Krishna says that whatever is attractive in this world All that is present in me It is reflecting a spark of my splendour So whatever we find attractive in the world around us It is reflecting a spark of Krishna’s splendour I have written a book on reincarnation So based on that I have travelled various parts of the world And given classes on reincarnation So at one time one person asked me a question That I am in love with a girl Both of us want to marry each other But somehow our families are not consenting And it’s not working out So what karma can I do by which I can marry her in my next life So the whole concept of reincarnation has been very romanticised by Bollywood So many times there are some movies in which the hero and heroine are not able to unite And then both of them die And then next life both of them are born with the same looks With exactly the same body And then they continue their romance in the next life So basically reincarnation is just treated like a plot twist in a romance story So because of that people have that expectation that So the relationship we have had in this lifetime, I will continue in my next lifetime So actually when the soul reincarnates from one body to another The soul has lived in a particular way in this lifetime And based on that the soul is going to get a different body in the next lifetime So what kind of body that is going to get, where that soul is going to go All that is quite unpredictable for us from this perspective But the point, so when I answered this question I said that Actually we have two kinds of relationships We have vertical relationship with Krishna, with God who is all attractive And we have horizontal relationship with others So now then when we have this vertical and horizontal relationships We are souls who are on a multi-life journey of spiritual evolution And spiritual evolution essentially means we evolve in our wisdom and in our devotion We evolve in our understanding of what is actually real, we become wiser And that wisdom leads to evolution in our object of love So yes we do have affection for the people around us, for the things in this world But we understand that my affections are ultimately meant for Krishna So that relationship with Krishna is our eternal relationship And developing that is life’s primary purpose So of course we can’t survive only on that relationship We are social beings, so we need relationships in the world also However the nature of this world is that some relationships may work out Some relationships may not work out That’s just like everything else in life We achieve certain goals for ourselves, some goals we are able to achieve Some goals we are not able to achieve So if we wanted a particular relationship but it didn’t work out Then rather than trying to replicate that relationship in a future life We can understand that whatever was attractive in that relationship That attractiveness actually came from Krishna So by Krishna’s arrangement it’s not that the attractiveness of that person is false Yes there can be attractiveness, different people have different qualities And sometimes we will be attracted to someone Sometimes the attraction may be superficial But sometimes there can be a deep rooted attraction also Still those attributes of that person are not just their attributes Yes they are their attributes But it’s also Krishna who is giving those attributes to them So Krishna is giving them a spark of his splendour So that’s how those people are able to attract us so much So if sometimes some relationship in this world doesn’t work out Then we have to see that whatever I found attractive in this person That and more is present in Krishna So if this doesn’t work out let me focus on that That doesn’t mean we just don’t care for this relationship I’m going to talk about pursuing in tomorrow’s class But the point here is while processing we just don’t lament And go into as they say a pity party Just feeling sorry for ourselves Oh this didn’t work out, that didn’t work out, that didn’t work out Just feel pity, feel sorry for yourself So rather than that we move on with life and focus on our vertical relationship So we all try to develop relationships Krishna is all attractive, he is all loving And he is always available for us He is there in our hearts Sarvasya chaaham hrudisannivishtho He is there in our hearts right now And he is always there Krishna is… Do you know how far away Krishna is from us? How far is he? Sorry? Supersoul, so how far is he? Very near to us, yes How near? Inside us, that’s true What did you say? Ok, as close as our eyelids? Ok, yes, that’s true One way to understand is Krishna is just one thought away from us He is just one thought away from us If we think about him, we are connected with him We may not perceive that connection We may not relish that connection right now But Krishna is just one thought away from us So if we direct our thoughts towards him He is present and he will make his presence manifest to us As we become more and more receptive and more and more pure But he is there always, so he is always available And he loves us already It is not that because we are very sinful We have been godless, we have been materialistic We might have done some sinful things That doesn’t mean Krishna stops loving us Krishna’s love for us is not based on who we are It is based on who he is He is surudam sarva-bhutana Sometimes we say Krishna is bhakta-vatsara He is a lover of his devotees, that’s true But he is not the lover only of his devotees He is also, Lama Rasa says, krupada-vatsara Even people who are materialistic, he loves them also He is surudam sarva-bhutana He is a well-wisher of all living beings So that relationship with Krishna is always available for us So in many relationships, we want to form a relationship But other person is not interested Or we are putting a lot into the relationship But other person is not reciprocating In the case of Krishna, he is there for us He is available for us, we just have to connect with him Go ahead So now, we, sometimes we talk, surrender to Krishna That might seem like, I surrender to Krishna Then I become powerless, I just chant and I don’t do anything else No, actually, independence to Krishna is independence When we become dependent on Krishna Then that gives us independence from the ups and downs of the world That vertical connection with Krishna is what stabilises us It strengthens us So when things go wrong in this world, we will be shaken But if we are surrendered to Krishna, if we are dependent on Krishna Then in that dependence on Krishna, we get strength Yes, this is not wrong Big things are wrong maybe in our life But we understand that bigger than whatever has gone wrong is Krishna And he is there, he is waiting, he is available for me So actually, the more the devotee becomes dependent on Krishna In terms of devotionally taking shelter of Krishna In terms of connecting with him One becomes independent And independent doesn’t mean uncaring Independent means that one is having internal stability There can be dependence, independence and interdependence So the best relationships are not the relationship of dependence But the relationships of interdependence But only independent people can become interdependent So each of us, by our practise of bhakti By connecting with Krishna through the process of bhakti We can become independent And then when we form a relationship That won’t make us dependent on the other person We will be an independent individual who is secure in our relationship with Krishna And then we pursue another relationship where there is interdependence The interdependence is what is fulfilling Dependence is often crippling When there is dependence in the relationship That other person gets upset We feel as if it is the end of the world for him So if the other person is happy, we feel happy Yes, there is natural reciprocation But when there is dependence, it can be crippling But when there is interdependence, then that is uplifting Sometimes I am down, the other person lifts me up When the other person is down, I lift them up So it is not that by our devotion we become uncaring in our relationships Rather we are able to bring more maturity into the relationship So when we talk about processing what happens in the world If in our heart, if in our consciousness there is Krishna If we are connected with Krishna Then that connection with Krishna gives us internal stability And then with maturity we can process what is happening Somebody deals unfairly with us Something goes wrong in our life Okay, how do I deal with it? Krishna, I take shelter of you Will you please guide me? So earlier I said that we count our blessings We look for what is right If we have practised bhakti and connected with Krishna Then no matter what goes wrong in our life We will find this one thing is right I can still chant Krishna’s names And Krishna is there with me I can still worship Krishna I can still study his message I can hear about him And I get shelter in that So when that one relationship is stable Then that is something which we can count on That becomes our blessing, our strength By which we can face what is happening externally So for a devotee it is the processing internally That is significantly different In fact it is drastically different So the events happen to everyone So you see in the Bhagavatam We see Parikshit Maharaj was cursed unfairly For a minor infraction he was cursed to die So that event happened externally But internally he processed it in a good way How did he process it? Okay, this is Krishna Who is coming in the form of this curse To detach me And then he chose to become detached He focused on just wholeheartedly hearing the Bhagavatam But this was not the only way in which he always acted When he was a king At that time when the cow and the bull They were being attacked When Parikshit Maharaj was a king At that time he was surveying his kingdom And he came to a place where he saw There was a cow and a bull And the bull was being attacked by a man Who was looking like a king Dressed in black And this bull was being tormented by this man He was furious Took out his sword Punished this person But before that He turned towards the bull And asked him What is the cause of your suffering? Now At one level Can’t you see? This man is beating me That is the cause of my suffering It seems to be a silly question It is an insensitive question What is the cause of my suffering? This person is beating me But Parikshit Maharaj still asks that question And the bull’s answer is also very intriguing He says Actually the cause of suffering is very difficult to determine Some people say it is because of one’s past karma Some people say it is just the nature of this world Some people say that it is just karma Sometimes we go through unfavourable times Some people say that it is just unknowable So he says I can’t do what is the cause of my suffering And He is causing you suffering Why don’t you tell that? But he just does that And what does Parikshit say? Parikshit says bravo! He says your words show that you are very learned Your words show that you are actually Dharma You are Dharma personified And he lauds him Now he still takes disciplinary action He punishes Kali Who is masquerading as a king and doing atrocious activities But the point of this discussion is That both of them are looking for causes beyond the immediate There is an immediate cause And that has to be dealt with appropriately But there are causes beyond the immediate also And they are focussing on that So Sometimes When we look at a particular situation in our life We find it Why is this person doing like this? Why is this happening? Sometimes We may attribute This person is the cause of my suffering This situation is the cause of my suffering But there are causes beyond the immediate also So Rather than focussing and obsessing on that person Who processes that Ultimately The why question will lead me only to frustration So Let me simply focus How can I move ahead right now? How can I move ahead right now? Instead of the why question I ask the how question I can’t know why this is happening But how can I best move forward? So that How I can move forward What to do in that We will discuss in tomorrow’s class I will summarise What I spoke today So I spoke Primarily about how the modes Affect our relationships Our interactions with others So we are talking about How the modes shape How we perceive things How we process things And how we perceive So today we will discuss about how we process So in processing Whatever happens to us We have a particular frame of mind Which we bring to the table So we discussed In the mode of passion In the mode of ignorance In the mode of goodness While interaction What are the mindsets? There are three Ds Does anyone remember? Destruction is in ignorance In passion Domination In goodness Discussion Yes And then we discussed about The mentality that we have That is the victim mentality The victim mentality And the partner mentality Let’s work together So with respect to expectations In ignorance we think that Everything will go wrong In passion Everything will go right In goodness Let’s focus on what is right And let’s deal with what is wrong So there is pessimism Excessive pessimism Excessive optimism And realism This is goodness So when we talked about Drawing in from modern psychology When people have too much expectation They are called a maximiser So that maximising mentality Corresponds to the mode of passion And optimising mentality Maximising means I want the absolute best Optimisation means I want the best in the situation I discussed examples of purchasing a mobile Purchasing a toothpaste Or cooking for an occasion In all these If we go for the absolute best Without considering other factors We get into trouble So maximisers They get a better deal for their money When they buy a product But there is disappointment Because the product doesn’t live up to the expectation There is the lingering fear There might be a better product Which I would have got if I just searched more And eventually there is frustration Because a better product does come out So when We get that same maximising mentality Into our relationships Then we are looking for the absolute best And that creates an unrealistic expectation The reason why there is so much problem in the relationships Nowadays is threefold One is the structure for forming relationships Has gone down It is not there so easily accessible for most people Second is Because of the propaganda from the media From the movies, from the novels The expectation of the relationships is too high And thirdly Because we don’t have a joint family structure So we have multiple needs Which we expect to be fulfilled from the same relationship And all that creates excessive expectation And then frustration So we need to be optimisers If we want everything to be ideal First of all we ourselves are not ideal So don’t depress yourself Depress your expectations Of others and of ourselves So depressing our expectations of ourselves means Choosing satisfaction So satisfaction means we focus on what is right On what is good in our life That is the austerity of the mind And by consciously counting our blessings We can bring positive emotions within us And we can still have ambition also Because if we focus ambition on contribution Not on expectation My ambition is not that I will get the best result But I will do my best So we discussed Karmanyavadika Arasthi in the Gita Is not telling us to become apathetic It is be detached from results Not from goals So we set the goals so that we can make the best contribution But we understand the results are not in our control So we focus on what is in our hands There I discussed about the role of destiny Karma, does anyone remember that equation? Karma plus Daiva plus Kala leads to Phala So karma is in our hands Daiva is not something arbitrary It is the sum total of our own karma Which of our past karma Which comes upon as a difference in time That’s what leads to Phala I gave two examples One is of farming and other of procreation So when we try to form a relationship There also Daiva and Kala How they come into picture we don’t know So we focus on karma Here karma is in our hands Krishna is saying do the karma the best Karma is our right and our responsibility And with respect to relationships What is the action that we can do? I talked about we maximise vertically We focus from our side On developing our vertical relationship with Krishna Why? We understand that Krishna is all attractive Whatever attractiveness we may find in someone That and much more is present in Krishna So rather than trying to somehow or the other Like this boy is saying that How can I marry my dream girl in my next life? We are trying to extend this relation in next life We focus on whatever is attractive here That is there in Krishna So Krishna is all attractive He is all loving He is all available He is just one thought away from us And his love for us is based on who he is Not who we are So if we focus on developing our relationship with Krishna Independence to Krishna is independence We get inner strength, inner stability And by that we can become more mature In our horizontal relationship with others We can make a better contribution in those relationships And thus the independence can help us to become interdependent Otherwise if we are dependent on someone else That is crippling Interdependence is uplifting And I concluded by talking about how When there are problems in relationships The Bhagavatam looks for causes beyond the immediate We process the issue We don’t just obsess on this person is acting in this way That is the problem There are many other factors going on So rather than obsessing on why this person is doing like this We focus on how And we focus on how I can do my best in this situation How I can move forward in this situation And that can give a positive energy for our consciousness So how to work on that how We will discuss in tomorrow’s class Are there any questions or comments? Yes When we think of achieving a goal The first thing which comes is the end result For example when this temple was built There was a goal in somebody’s mind And then the action started And in midway we do the actions and then we reach the end result So my question is when we said that we attach to the goal But not to the result There is a confusion That sometimes the goal is the end result The image of the end result Which is the starting point So that itself drives the Bhagavan many a times When things don’t go well So it’s actually the same The goal is the end result Which is at the starting point So how do we not get attached to the goal? Good question So in a sense the goal that we dream about Is the result that we want to get So how can we Since the goal and result are the same thing How can we attach to the goal and detach from the result? Yeah It is See the word attachment and detachment For all of us they invoke certain emotions within us Sometimes if you are spiritual you will say Hey attachment is very bad If you are materialistic you will say detachment is very bad You will become irresponsible So let’s not get caught too much in words Let’s understand the concept basically In every situation in our life There is something in our control and something not in our control And we can only focus on and improve that which is in our control And that which is not in our control we just have to leave it How it will work out we don’t know If we are materialistic then we think that it’s just by chance What will happen over there If we are spiritual we understand there is some higher plan What is not in my control is ultimately in God’s control So he will bring out some good out of it But the point is that there is something in our control And there is something out of our control And when you are saying be attached to the goal That means focus on what is in your control Be detached from the result means Stop worrying about that which is not in your control So I will give two examples Suppose a student is preparing for some exams And say there are five papers Student has studied very well for one paper He gives the paper But then the student after doing the paper Did I do this some right? Did I write this answer well? Could I have written this better? Well if the student gets too caught in that Then next week there is another paper You have to focus on that We can’t let ourselves be caught in the past Okay even if I made a silly mistake in this one What a stupid thing you know Why did I make that silly mistake? Okay I made a mistake, I made a mistake Now move on That is no longer in my control But tomorrow is a new exam That is still in my control Let me focus on that So when you say we focus on the goal That means that Okay you want to achieve this goal And this is the process I want to follow To get to that goal And I will follow this process as well as I can But now when that exam is over My part I have done it Whether I did it well I could have done it better That is over now That chapter is over Just move on Now a new chapter has begun Let me focus on that So after that exam has been given What result I am going to get is not in my control So let go of the things that are not in our control That is what detachment means Detachment from results means Similarly with respect to interactions If we talk about relationships May be there is some conflict between two people And then you want to address the conflict So now how we conduct ourselves during the confrontation Sometimes if there are some festering issues We may have to confront the other person And we have to discuss the issues We can’t just keep that wound be festering So then when we discuss that issue So at that time how we behave How we present our case How we present our concerns Whether we approach in a very judgemental, accusatory way Or we try to approach in a objective, reasonable way That is up to us Now how the other person is going to respond is not in our control So be attached to the goal means If I go into the conflict resolution only thing This person is never going to understand This person is just like this And this person is never going to improve Nothing is going to improve This is just a waste of time Then even going into that confrontation is a waste of time only If I go totally with a pessimistic attitude Then that will come out in my demeanour itself I will speak in a negative way I will cast aspersions on the other person while I am speaking And I will do many possibility of resolution So when I am going in I can go in with the goal that I want this issue to be unequivocally resolved So I will express my concern I will try to hear them So I can focus on how I can bring my best to the table of discussion So that is the focus on what is in my control But sometimes despite our doing that Other person just reacts in an unreasonable way And things just don’t work out Okay then, we did our part, move on now So that means Rather than looking at the world of detachment and attachment We can say focus on the goal, don’t focus on the result Because focussing on the goal helps us to bring out our best Focussing on the result simply makes us feel insecure Because the result is not that great Does anyone have a question? Just one more quick one When you say learning to take no gracefully In the corporate world, no is not expected to come out from people Whether you have to work So we often find people saying no when there is something to do So again, on one hand we are saying learning to take no gracefully Whereas in the corporate context, no is not supposed to I say no means an employee should not say no to a job given by the employer Or what do you say no means what? There is a tendency for people to just say no for more work coming their way So now you are at the time when you are passing on work to somebody And no is not easy to take in that situation So I said a part of growing up is learning to take no gracefully But then I also said that in the corporate world People tend to want to run away from work So if we delegate some work to them and they just keep saying no Then we will be burdened with all the work So what do we do? Is that time also you have to accept the no? No, I am not talking about that kind of situation What I was talking about is by factors beyond our control Sometimes just things go wrong So I was giving a presentation in a big multinational company in America And I had got a very good powerpoint And this was one of the biggest companies in the world And there they are projected into work It’s a big technology company but they are projected into work So then now what can I do at that time? I was talking about stress management but I was stressed by that That is one theme I was talking about But then I just, that’s not in my control I accept that and I move on Now I would say that whoever is the organiser of that programme Or the person in the company They have to do a debriefing session Why did this not work? And they have to take the appropriate people to task And they have to deal with it at that In the appropriate way But at that time I had to give the talk without a presentation So learning to take no gracefully means When things are beyond our control We accept that that thing is beyond our control And just move on with what is in our control So in the corporate world If somebody is meant to share the workload And is not taking that Then they are shirking from the responsibility Then an appropriate action may need to be taken Now we may inform some higher authorities Or we may give some negative remark about them If we are in the authority position or whatever So they are not saying no gracefully Taking no gracefully doesn’t mean We let people take us on a ride It simply means when things are not in our control We don’t obsess so much over that wrong thing that has happened That we can’t move on I have a similar question to what he was asking Right from the corporate world only Generally the focus in the corporate world is on the goal itself And whatever efforts you have put in is behind the curtain And at the end of it You are asked a question Why this has not been achieved sometimes And in that case How do we kind of cut a balance between the two Here they expect only the results And the efforts are not looked at Yeah So in the corporate world People don’t look at the efforts They just want the results And that is the difference between Krishna and the world The world looks outside in Krishna looks inside out What looks outside in means First they look at our appearance They look at the results And then they find that is good How did you achieve so much results Then they look at the efforts If you don’t achieve the results Then probably you didn’t work only You must have been lazy or whatever So Krishna looks inside out We know the story of When the Vanaras were building a bridge At that time there was a small squirrel He also contributed The monkeys felt you know what The squirrel is coming in our way But Lord Rama said no She is doing her best You are doing your best I am satisfied in both of them So That’s why we all need For our own self understanding And for our own self worth Connection with Krishna The world may not appreciate our efforts But if we are putting in good efforts We know that Krishna is noticing that And that gives us some stability Some security Having said that We live in a competitive world So we do need to look for results also So again In our work also We may need to become optimisers That means say students for example Some students may just say Ok I love this subject And I want to study this subject very well That’s a good attitude But if you have a finite time In which you have to study the subject Then the students have to balance between Getting a proper understanding of the subject And studying in a way by which they get the marks Sometimes when we study so much this subject From this book, that book, that book We get a very good understanding But we don’t study in a way that we get the marks Of course some students may go to the other extreme And just look at the previous year’s papers And study only what kind of questions are going to come And they try to get the marks Then that may also not be very good But the point is That if we live in a particular world Particular situation We have to optimise to that situation So we also need to think Ok I am putting in so much effort But how can I put the effort By which the result will also come We see even in spiritual circle that is there Srila Prabhupada His spiritual master Bhakti Sahaja Thakur told That we should preach About Krishna even if no one comes He says just preach to the walls Now in principle This is about indomitable Spirit of sharing about Krishna Now when Srila Prabhupada Was speaking about Krishna in India He did not get much response Now he could have said I am following my spiritual master’s instruction Nobody is coming I will preach to the walls But he did not do that He in his old age decided to go to America Because he felt people there will be more receptive And if they become spiritual Then Indians will also become spiritual So he was In principle he was indefatigable I am going to serve Krishna I am going to glorify Krishna That I am going to do But in practise He was intelligent Where will I get the best results And he invested his energy there So similarly If we are finding we are putting efforts and not getting the results Then we may have to Discuss with some others who are more expert What can I do Maybe we are not following the right strategy Or we are not putting The effort in the right direction So that is basically We have to learn to optimise our efforts So that In the real situation The results that are In terms of the parameters that are expected The results in those efforts will also come And in spite of that if they don’t come Then we have to understand That it is by-gone Sometimes because of destiny We do get bad efforts We do get a bad name or we get bad results If we are honest We will also see that sometimes We just put in a little effort And big results come out So if you are in marketing Sometimes we just go to so many people And nobody seems to take the product And sometimes we just go to one person and get a big deal And there we are putting very little effort But we got a big result over there So destiny if you see in the long run It balances out Sometimes with lot of effort also not much result comes Sometimes with little effort also Significant Big result also comes So we accept that That sometimes it doesn’t work out You see that I will just Thank you First of all thank you very much For such an enlightening, relishable And it brings out several questions To me Some are structural in nature Some are technical I would request you to answer At least two fundamental questions First is You said that in maximiser Versus optimiser The maximiser is Not generally focussing on the time He is focussing on the perfectionism But you said that Materially We should be optimisers Spiritually we should be maximiser My intelligence Seems to disagree with this Because I found myself That at times in spiritual life also I feel like if I can’t be pure devotee If I can’t do the things perfectly let me not do that So isn’t it a kind of wrong Maximising mentality and not optimising And in connection to that Then this optimise also Please help us to understand how to Change this mentality to optimising spiritually And also is not optimisation A relative term so would there be Multiple ways of optimising also So should we spiritually Maximise or should we spiritually Also optimise There are two different things over here In spiritual life there is a sadhya And there is a sadhan Sadhya is the goal and sadhan is the means Process that we follow to get to that goal So when I said Maximise spiritually means We seek the best goal We understand Krishna is the highest manifestation Of the absolute truth And that Krishna is my goal So in that sense we are seeking the biggest goal So in that sense I was saying maximising But in terms of practising our bhakti We will have to optimise We may like to do some activity a lot Suppose we like to hear a lot of kirtans That’s good But then there are many other things also to do in bhakti We go to some yatra Oh this Vrindavan, Mayapur is so nice I would like to stay here only We can’t do that We have our life, we have our responsibility, we have our services So we do have to optimise So it’s talking more in terms of The goal we don’t settle for anything less We want the best But in terms of the process We have our own psychophysical nature We have our social situation And based on that We have to practise bhakti the best we can In that situation And as far as Optimising Will be different For different people or in different situations Is optimisation a relative term? Yes See relative Is By relative We don’t mean that It is just abstract or intangible Relative means That it will depend on Time, place and circumstance So that means Say I feel hungry and I want to eat food But I’ll control the desire Okay Now if it’s a day of fasting Then I’ll control it throughout the day But if at other time I’m feeling hungry and it’s time when I take food Then I’ll decide okay I have to do this But let me take some food and come back and I’ll continue it So we may decide Sometimes I’ll delay this for half an hour Sometimes I’ll delay it for several hours Sometimes I may deal with it immediately So depending on Time, place, circumstance We may decide how to deal with a particular situation So optimisation Is relative in the sense That we have to see What is the best way ahead in this situation And we progress Yeah yeah For the same person also Optimisation will be different at different times So life is dynamic So when say Sometimes If there is some spiritual programme There is some festival There is some special opportunity for association With some devotee whom we like very much Then we may decide Here I want to focus on this And I can’t I’ll have to cut down on some other obligations I’ll have to cut down on some other activities for that time But sometimes say we are working And then there are big deadlines in the project And then At that time we decide this is what I have to focus on at this time I have to make sure that this gets done So we If we are driving on the road Our destination Is clear But depending on how much traffic is there Sometimes we may go fast Sometimes we may go slowly We keep going in the same direction But the speed depends on the situation So similarly Optimising for us also Will vary Depending on the traffic in our life Optimise optimal speed May be different in different situations Okay Last question You said that security When the security in relationship With Krishna is achieved Then that Real independence will make us Interdependent on others But now this again is like Ideal situation when that security will be Achieved then Till that time How to again balance the things Like we can go to the extreme that Just ideally feel that I want to be secure with Krishna And in the relationship with Krishna But it’s not happening so In our this multilayered journey relationships We may be Neglectful Okay So when I said that When we become dependent on Krishna That makes us independent Then we can form interdependent relationships We will have a security internally But isn’t that too far away And will that make us in the intermediate Neglectful or Pathetic in our other relationships This is not a Linear process that first I become fully independent And then I become interdependent It is going to be a parallel process So We practise bhakti And we work at our relationships So both go together And sometimes this works very nicely And that this may give me Strength for that When our relationships are peaceful Then I feel more inspired to practise bhakti Sometimes this may give me strength for this When I am focused on Krishna When there are ups and downs I am able to deal with it better So the idea is that We need to keep moving on And In principle We understand that the relationship With Krishna is the most important In practise We will have to see how that Works for us. Some people are more Introverts.
For them they may Not have so much need for Really interacting with others Some people may be extroverts They need more interaction with others That’s fine. We have to Deal with our own psychophysical nature And we navigate that Territory accordingly I have two small questions First is there is a common Saying which we hear a lot in calendars Which is Yes Yes So In the Gita star it is often said That whatever has happened is good Whatever is happening is good Whatever will happen is good So yes It’s surprising But the Gita star Doesn’t come from the Gita That Gita star is written by someone else And there is a sign I have recited the Gita Hundreds upon hundreds of times Never once I have found any verse Which comes anywhere near this Anywhere near this. The Gita is actually Not about what happens It is more about what we do Arjuna is asking He is asking How should I act? That is his primary question Dharma So Now Having said this In the light of the Gita We can evaluate this There is a difference between Everything that happens Is good And everything that happens Is for good The two are different things Everything that happens is good Or everything that happens Is for good Now Actually Krishna is so expert That even if bad things Happen in our life Krishna can bring good out of it But it is not that Everything that happens is good When Draupadi was Dishonoured Nobody came and told her Whatever happened was good No It is a bad thing Terrible thing At that level the Pandavas took action to correct it But Through it all What happened was ultimately Through it all the Pandavas went to the forest And the Kurukshetra war took place And that time the Bhagavad Gita was spoken So that was for good So it is not that When we are following the Bhagavad Gita Somehow we have to imagine That everything that happens is good Sometimes Bad things happen We may get some very bad disease Some relationship may get disrupted We may lose a loved one We may lose something very important for us Those are bad things And we have to get Accept that they are bad Krishna says One does not become Dejected when distress comes And one does not become elated When happiness comes We can focus on that one should not become Dejected but still the point is Krishna is acknowledging that sometimes Distress can come and sometimes happiness can come He is acknowledging that these two possibilities Are there That sometimes good will happen, sometimes bad will happen But If we are focused on Krishna We won’t get so agitated by what happens We won’t get elated Now everything has gone right And we won’t get devastated Now everything has gone right Ok this has happened, let me see how I can move on So Actually the idea that Everything that happens is good Is I would not even say Impassioned, it’s more an ignorance Because it is tamasic It just means the idea of passivity I am not meant to do anything at all So It is Now it is a good sounding message And sometimes it can bring some positivity to people But we need to differentiate That everything that happens is not good Everything that happens is for good And for it to be for good I also have to respond appropriately I also have to respond appropriately If I don’t respond appropriately If I don’t respond appropriately Then that bad thing may lead to further bad bad results Then that bad thing may lead to further bad bad results So we focus on Whatever has happened It may be bad, it may be good What is the best way I can move forward in this situation And also in interactions If you are in the mood of goodness You can resolve the issues But the opposite person also has to be in the mood of goodness But the opposite person also has to be in the mood of goodness If I have a conflict So if he is in the mood of passion Then how do we resolve it So if I am in goodness But the other person is in passion Then how can we resolve the issue All in terms of marital conflict All in terms of marital conflict So this is Can we discuss this tomorrow Because this comes in the part of pursuing Because this comes in the part of pursuing So I will elaborate on that a little later So I will elaborate on that a little later Can you give the mic behind You can ask till then You can ask till then I have three questions for you I have three questions for you One at a time First thing is that When there is a relationship issue When there is a relationship issue Then we may either tolerate Or we can keep up the relationship with Krishna And then just make a move on But when it is connected But when it is connected To the Missionary service And we have a relationship issue With the senior devotees who are not responding To the service How should we be with such kind of situations How should we be with such kind of situations It is serious Becoming irresponsible towards the missionary service Where we do teamwork Okay, all this is related with tomorrow’s class, can you read, I will talk about this, yeah.
The second one is when we act in connection with dharma, automatically we see that relationships are spoiled, majority of the times. Relationships are? Spoiled, when the other person does not know how to act on dharma. Okay, so if we are acting dharmically, the other person is not acting dharmically.
So, if we act dharmically and if we question how to act on that and if we take some decisions based on that. Okay. Can you comment on this, not on personal level.
Okay, I think I will address tomorrow’s today only then, I will answer it briefly and we will elaborate it tomorrow, okay. All these questions, if they are related with how to deal with say somebody else is not acting reasonably. So, if we are trying to follow dharma but other person is not following dharma, as I said if we are in goodness, other person is in passion.
So, broadly speaking, when there is a conflict, there are three ways of dealing with it. We could consider that just as there is say the soul is situated in a social environment, so the soul is situated in a bigger atmospheric environment, the soul is situated in the body. So, all these three are, the soul is put in a particular situation.
Suppose, somebody is working in a, gets a job in some very cold place like Melbourne, say right in the south of Australia and it is very cold over there. That is very difficult to deal with that cold. So, basically there are three options.
So, tolerate, mitigate or emigrate. Okay, I just tolerate, I get used to it. This is the way the atmosphere and sometimes if you stay for sometime the body gets adapted to it.
Mitigate means I get as many warm clothes as possible, I try to make sure that my car has good heating, my home has good heating. I try to work to rectify the situation or I cannot tolerate, I emigrate. So, these three options are all valid and they may all be chosen at different situations.
Similarly, with respect to relationships, when there are conflicts, there are some situations in which we tolerate. Okay, this person is like this, it is troubling me, but it is not really, it is not unbearable, I can live with it. So, I tolerate it and move on.
Then, say a simple example is if we are, if we are driving in a, if we are going say by a local, crowded local we are travelling and then we are standing in one corner and somebody comes and keeps pushing us. You know, that person is trying to push. Now, we may push back.
You think you are very strong, I am also strong. That person pushing us, we push back. We push, that person push and we get so caught in pushing each other that we forget our destination has come.
And then we just get stuck over there. No, there is no need. Okay, you are pushing.
You want that space? Okay, I will just move a little bit. I might get a little cramped, but how long am I here? It is a small thing. So, I tolerate it and I just move on with my life.
But, if that person starts pushing me out of the train itself, then I can’t tolerate that. You know, I have to mitigate. I have to push back.
Maybe I have to call attention to other people and then they have to help me. So, there is tolerance which is required, but that also has a limitation to it. It is not that tolerance is the supreme virtue.
It is an important virtue, but tolerance has to be seen in the light of the purpose. The purpose is I have to get to this destination. So, if they are just moving a little bit aside, I can get to the destination more peacefully, fine.
But if that person pushes me out, I won’t get to the destination. Then I have to fight back. So, similarly for us, say, when we are in the mode of goodness, then we bring the best to the table.
When we act dharmically, we bring the best to the table. How the other person is going to respond is not our control. Why did the other person, what that person is doing is troubling us, but it is a bearable trouble.
So, in the light of the bigger purpose that we have to achieve, this is a small inconvenience. We can manage with it. Then we tolerate and we move on.
But sometimes if that is causing so much trouble that we can’t move towards our destination itself. We are trying to do some service. We are trying to promote, go forward in that relationship, but that is causing so much trouble that our bigger purposes are getting interrupted.
Then we may need to be more active. Mitigate. Mitigate can be that we may report to somebody higher.
If our superior is not doing it right, then we report to their superior. Or we go and talk with them in a respectful way. We take some action to correct the situation.
So, one is tolerate the situation. Mitigate means correct the situation. But we find that if we try to raise that issue, then again people only speak badly about us.
People give us a bad name or things become more complicated. Then we just exit the situation. This is not working out.
So, I am going to move away from here. I will do some other service and ultimately I have to serve Krishna. So, I will move on in my service to Krishna.
So, if we focus on that goal that I am meant to serve Krishna and I have to serve through this relationship. But if I can’t serve through this relationship, then what do I do? I can either tolerate it and move on. Otherwise, I have to mitigate it.
If I can’t, then I make it. So, I will elaborate on these three options with examples in tomorrow’s class. But these are the three broad options that we have.
And my third note is, it is generally said that before going back to Godhead, one should not have any relationship issue with anyone, even a single person. I have from many people, senior devotees. Is it possible? Because we may not have, we may have worked upon it and we may not have any negative feelings towards anyone who may have done bad towards us.
But it is not the case with others also. So, is it really possible or how to work upon it? Okay. So, is it that to go back to Godhead, we should not have any negative interaction with anyone? It’s more of what is our consciousness.
Mr. Srila Prabhupada, before he departed from the world, when many of his Godbrothers came to meet him, he said that, you know, for the sake of preaching sometimes I had to speak many things, if I spoke anything inappropriately, please forgive me. Prabhupada said that, I am a very fallen soul, you please have mercy on me. I am Mahapatith.
And his Godbrothers said, no, Swamiji, you are not Mahapatith. Swami Maharaj, you are Mahapatith power. So, they appreciated it.
But Prabhupada, they showed an example that in the final days, if we have had some, if we have had some forgiveness, and we try to set the record straight from our side. Now, whether the other person forgives or not, that is up to them. So, basically, I would say that it’s not so much of that we should have good relationship with everyone.
That’s not possible. Because just different people are different. And it may not be possible to have warm intimate relationship with everyone.
But at least what we should not have is such a strong irritation or animosity or anger towards someone that at the time of death, instead of going to Krishna, we are thinking of getting even with that person. Then we will remember that person and that person did this to me. Then that’s bad.
So, basically, our consciousness should focus on Krishna. So, generally we say attachment we should not have. Attachment can distract us from Krishna.
If we are too attached to someone, we will think about that person and then we will not be able to think about Krishna. But Krishna often talks about raga and dvesha together. Raga dvesha vimukta is 2.64. So, attachment can distract us from Krishna, but aversion can also distract us from Krishna.
If I am too averse to someone, I am chanting Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna. How dare this person speak like this? Krishna, Krishna, Hare Krishna. I will get back at this person.
Hare Ram, Hare Ram. Next time. Then we are not really able to practise bhakti.
So, just as we want to become free from attachment, we also want to become free from aversion. So, what it is said is that we should not be averse to anyone. Now, whether that person becomes favourable to us or not, that’s not in our control.
But we want to prevent the aversion from becoming a distraction in our bhakti. Yes. How can we spend more time processing than reacting? So, how can we spend more time processing than reacting? Generally, we think of action in terms of activity.
I am doing this. I am going to do this. I am going to do this.
But we also sometimes have to learn that pause is also an action word. So, play, stop, pause. So, sometimes when somebody has irritated us and we feel like exploding, at that time we might just decide to pause.
Not that I deny what I am feeling. Not that I deny what this person has done wrong. But I am not going to react immediately.
Just pause. So, if we can learn to develop our own pause button, that means we observe ourselves and see what are the situations in which we get provoked, in which we react in unhealthy ways. And then after we have observed and learned that, then at least understood, these situations I get provoked, then we can find out how can I check myself.
So, we may decide, okay, that time when I feel angry, I take deep breaths. Instead of immediately going, I take deep breaths. Or I may decide, I may chant.
Or I may decide, you know, that I will just walk away from there and then maybe I have read something about anger or something. I will try to remember that. I will reread that.
Or I just remember, recite some verses or whatever. So, sometimes walking away from a situation, maybe what is the best way of pausing it? This is just getting too exasperating. We will deal with it later, not now.
So, now pausing is not easy. And how we will pause will vary from person to person. So, basically, yesterday I talked about if the floor is inclined, the water is actually going to flow in this way.
So, for us to reconstruct the whole floor in the other direction is quite difficult. But if there is a small wedge or a small slot, where there is a hole where the water can go in that direction, then I can’t stop the water from flowing in this direction. But if I just put the water into that slot, it will go in that direction.
So, like that, we have certain default behaviours. But you find out that there is some activity in bhakti, which captivates us, in which we can get easily absorbed. Then we can keep that activity readily accessible for us.
So, it may be reciting verses, it may be chanting, it may be just looking at a picture of a deity, of our favourite deity in the favourite dress or whatever. So, then that’s like a slot which we can push the consciousness away from there. So, pause is also an action word.
So, pausing is not just don’t do anything, but choose a healthier course of action at that time. And then that, when our consciousness moves away from that pressure situation towards Krishna, then we become calmer. And then when we are calmer, then instead of reacting, we can respond.
Anybody else? We will come back to you. Anybody else has questions? Yes, please. You can ask, I will repeat.
So, I have a question based on yesterday’s and today’s class. Yesterday, somebody asked you how a word influence, and you said based on three points, that is the intentions, impressions and situation. And today also, like we discussed the point about karma, plus karma, plus karma, plus karma, is a certain effect.
So, if I am doing some activity, like let’s take an example, some spiritual activity, like if I want to get up early in the morning and chant, but if I am not able to do it, even though if I have intention, if I am not trying for years, but somehow one or other situation is taking into account. So, like is it fair to, like enough for me to decide whether it is less of my intention, which is hampering the situation, or my past impressions, or past karma, or Daido and Kalabhri are affecting the situation. What is that? Is it my, is my intentions are less, or my karma is less? So, if we are facing some negative situation, then how do we know whether it is that I am not endeavouring hard enough, that’s why this problem is coming, or this is just by destiny, and I can’t do anything, I have to accept it.
Yeah, this is something which will vary based on time, place and circumstance. So, in all situations, there are some things in our control and some things out of our control. But, how much is in our control and how much is outside our control, that will vary from person to person and from situation to situation.
So, suppose, say, I am giving a class. Then, when I am going to give a class, what I speak on is in my control. But, what question the audience asks is not in my control.
So, I can prepare nicely for what I speak, but what the audience is going to ask, that’s not in my control. I will try to answer with the best of my knowledge at that time. So, for us, we all have to recognise, in this situation, suppose, say, somebody is playing a tennis match.
In tennis, sometimes the player is serving and sometimes the player is returning. When the player is serving, at that time, they have much more freedom. They can decide to serve with the forehand, backhand, what height to serve, into the body, how much spin to apply, whatever.
They have all these variations. Now, when they are returning, they don’t have much freedom. Now, a player may be very good on the forehand, but if the server has come on the backhand, you can’t play on the forehand.
You just hit the air at that time. So, at that time, when they are serving, their control is much more. When they are returning, the control is much lesser.
Wherever the ball comes, you just have to get it back into the court. Try to get it back as well as possible. But, that’s all that you can do at that time.
So, in our life, sometimes we are serving. That means, we have to take the initiative. We can decide where to focus the energy, how to prioritise, how to organise.
In some situations, we are returning. Life is throwing things at us. We just have to cope with them and deal with them.
So, in what situation we are serving and what we are returning, we may require a little distance from the situation to understand. So, sometimes in the heat of the situation, we may default to our habitual tendency. So, if our habitual tendency is a little bit in the mode of ignorance, we say, it’s not in my control, just let me give up.
If our habitual tendency is in the mode of passion, we may over-enter. I’ll get this right no matter how much it happens. I’m just going to do this.
So, somebody wants to crack an exam. Somebody wants to pass IIT and go to IIT. They may try one year, two years, three years.
You have to move on with your life. If somebody spends ten years trying to get into JEE itself, when are you going to get your graduation? This is not going to work. Let me just try two, three times.
Life doesn’t end because I don’t have an IIT degree. If I get some degree in some other college, I can move on. So, we have to use, as I said, if we have a broader perspective of things, what is it that IIT is going to achieve? Then, if we have that purpose clear, then we get a perspective.
How much is this worth endeavouring? And how much is, sometimes we say, this is just, okay, I’ve done enough in this. It’s not working out. Let me move on.
So, if we can distance ourselves from the situation and look at that situation in the light of our ultimate purpose, then we can decide whether we should keep endeavouring, we should try to endeavour more, or we should just try to accept it as destiny and move on. So, last question and we’ll stop. In the last question, you mentioned about getting angry.
We do not deny what we feel and the cause. The question is that who is getting angry and who is talking to whom? Who is asking us to pause when we are doing this communication? Okay. So, when we are saying that we should pause and not deny our anger but don’t act on it, so who is it that is feeling anger and who is saying that we should not express the anger? Basically, within us, there are multiple voices.
The soul is the source of consciousness. The soul is the ultimate chooser. But the soul can choose, as I said, the voice of emotion or the voice of reason.
We can say roughly that the voice of emotion comes from the mind. The voice of reason comes from the intelligence. Now, depending on different people’s psychophysical nature, depending on their spiritual evolution, one voice may be very strong.
For people in the mode of passion, the voice of emotion may be very strong. The voice of reason may be very less. So, the mind is also inside us.
It is our mind. So, okay, I am feeling angry now. I have to acknowledge that I am feeling angry.
I can’t suppress or bury my emotions. Anger also indicates that we care. So, anger, when do we get angry about something? When something is important for us.
When that has not worked out. So, anger indicates that we care for it. Care as an emotion is important, but care as an action has to be expressed appropriately.
So, okay, I am feeling angry right now. So, the mind is expressing the emotion of anger. So, as a soul, I acknowledge that emotion.
Okay, my mind is feeling like this right now. But there is an intelligence which observes. But right now expressing this is not the best way to do it.
So, let’s take this out to the level of the body. So, right now, I may be sitting on a chair. No, I am getting a little cramped sitting for two hours now.
I need to get up. Okay, so the body is sending a signal. No, you have to get up.
That is one voice that is coming within us. But then we can also say that, okay, we can, okay, I am feeling some pain over here. But we can use our intelligence, okay, but do I really need to get up? Or can I just move myself a little bit? Or can I, this class is going to end in a few minutes.
So, can I tolerate for a few minutes? So, basically, if we are feeling something, it’s from the body, mind, we acknowledge it. So, the soul acknowledges what is feeling, but then they use their intelligence to evaluate whether that feeling needs to be immediately acted on or how that feeling should be acted on. So, the mind, intelligence and the soul, all three are involved in this, okay.
Thank you very much. Shri Prabhupada Ki Jai. Gaur Bhakta Vrinda Ki Jai.
Gaur Prema Vrinda Ki Jai.