Making healthy choices

[Session 3, Spiritual Seekers Retreat, Chicago, USA]

Video:

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Sorry, we got a little late for preaching. So, I will quickly recap what we have done till now and then we will move forwards.
In the first session, I talked about destiny. Where, how there are forces beyond us that shape the things that happen in our life. And we talked about duty plus desire plus duration leads to the desired result.
Duty plus destiny, rather. And then, in the second session, I talked about how we can grow through adversities. So, if you are in an ocean, if you are in a water body and the waves come in opposite direction, you will be swept away.
Like that, adversities can hit us in life. And at that time, we often think of our experiences in distress or happiness as a one-step process. But it’s a two-step process.
There is the situation and there is the emotion. In between, there is the conception. And by evaluating the conception and changing the conception, we can decrease the magnitude of the emotion.
We may have to live with pain, but we don’t have to live in pain. I talked about the acronym WITH. W-I-T-H.
Does anyone remember what that was? Wisdom. Intention. Tolerance.
Hope. Yeah, thank you. So, now we’ll move on to a third part of it, making good choices.
When we are going through life, at that time, all the moments of our life are important, but there are some which are especially important. Just like if you are driving on a road, every moment that we are driving properly, we are moving towards our destination. And in that sense, every moment of the drive is important.
And in a sense, danger can befall us at any moment also. Accident can happen anytime. But, there are certain moments when we are at crossroads.
When if we take a wrong turn, we may go way, way off. It’ll take a long time for us to come back on track. On the other hand, if we take the right turn, we’ll move forwards.
So, if we look back at our own life also, we will see that our life does not stand like in our memory, like a plain territory of plateau of days and hours and minutes. It is a vast territory, our past, but within that, some times stand out like peaks. Those were the times when especially some significant things happened in our life.
And usually, we’ll see that those situations, when certain things happened, we responded in particular ways, we took certain decisions. So, the decisions that we take in our life, they are often critical in shaping the direction of our life. And, going back to the starting example in tennis of serving and returning, once the game is going on, at that time also, the player has to make a decision.
Should I return this ball this way? Should I return that ball that way? But once the game is going on, where the ball comes and how much one can return, that much is not in control. Wherever the ball has come, somehow get it back into the court. But, at the start of a game, when we are serving, that time we almost have full control where we will be hitting the ball.
So, similarly for us, there are some moments which are the time when we have to make decisions. And, I’ll talk here about what are the factors that shape our behaviour. What are the things that make us act the way we act.
Many times, we do certain things. We get angry with someone and we yell at them. And then, why did I do that? I didn’t want to do that.
I planned I would not do like this. And still, I ended up doing it. So, what is it that pushes us to act sometimes in ways which seems to be against our own interests.
Again, not just our interests, but even against seemingly our intention. Decide I’m not going to do this. But then, we end up doing it.
So, yesterday I talked about the body, mind and soul. The three level model, physical, mental and spiritual. The actions that we do or the actions that we have done in the past, they become stored as impressions within us.
I’ve worked on a few occasions with some of my friends who are into addiction counselling, de-addiction. So, they say that when does a behaviour become an addiction? Anybody can smoke, anybody can drink, but not all smokers, not all drinkers are addicts. So, is addiction just a behavioural problem? Is it just a weak will power because of which somebody is addicted? Is addiction a character weakness or is it a disease whereby the person has become almost helpless to resist it? And you say, if somebody is alcoholic, stop drinking, what’s the big deal? Oscar Wilde said that.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I have done it over a hundred times. So, I gave it up a hundred times, but again the desire kept coming back to me and I kept succumbing to it.
So, here to understand this in terms of this model of the body, mind, soul, initially when somebody starts acting in a particular way, say when somebody starts drinking or smoking, at that time it is a choice. They can drink, they may not drink. And we can say we always have that capacity to choose, always we have free will, but that becomes lesser and lesser as we keep getting conditioned.
As we keep doing a particular activity again and again, our capacity to choose differently becomes lesser and lesser. I’ll explain this in two examples. The computer example, if we take suppose a person has visited a particular website on their browser repeatedly.
Say they have visited sports.com. They are very interested in sports. So, once, twice, hundreds of times they have visited that and that has become almost like their home page. Default, as soon as they open the browser, sports is what opens up.
Now, today they come for a spiritual programme and then they want to know why this spirituality seems interesting. Let me Google and find out about it. And they type in their browser S and P. And what comes over there? Sports comes up.
They wanted to go to spirituality.com, but what came up was sports. Now, if somebody had never visited sports.com, for them as soon as they type SP, maybe nothing will come. And they can type spirituality and can go to spirituality.
Here, for them, because of their past choosing of sports.com, when they type SP, it comes sports and sometimes they may have to say, no, I don’t want to go to sports. And then they have to type spirituality fully. That’s only when they will get to spirituality.com. So, just as in the computer, based on our past choices, certain choices become the default options that come up as autocompletes within us.
Similarly, whatever choices we make in our behaviour, they become stored as impressions within us in our mind. And our actions lead to impressions. And impressions come as propositions.
So, that’s why if a person has been regularly drinking alcohol, if this is their home and this is their office, they pass by a bar in between, say. Now, somebody who is not drunk alcohol at all, somebody who is a Tito Taylor, they pass by, they don’t get any desire at all. No proposition comes up because they never visited sports.com. But here, as soon as they pass by that, let me have a drink.
No, no, I have a lot of work to do. No, you can have a drink and then you can go and work. And one drink will become two and three.
So, this impressions are not just the presence of the impressions is not a matter of willpower. The impressions are already there. And sometimes some impressions can become very, very strong.
So, for some alcoholics, from the moment they wake up till the moment they sleep, first thought of waking up, I want a drink. Last thought, I’ll take a drink and I’ll sleep now. So, that is, it’s almost like that sports is the default homepage and it requires a lot of effort to go to any other page from that homepage.
So, we become in this way conditioned. Conditioned means certain conditions are where our consciousness goes towards. So, this way, now addicts, do they have free will? Yes.
Even when sports.com has come on my browser, still I can change it and I can go to some other page. But, the fact is sports.com has already come as a default. As soon as I touch my browser, open it, sports.com has come there.
Similarly, for a person who has become an addict, that time the impression has become so strongly stored in their mind that that addiction is the default thought of their mind. They just can’t think, they can think of other things but by default, when they are not thinking of anything else, the addiction is what they think of. That is the page that opens up in their inner browser by default.
So, when this has happened, if we consider the impression, initially the sports.com might be just one of the many pages I have visited. And if I type s-p-o-r-t, then it becomes s.com. That time it doesn’t come so quickly. So, somebody who has drunk a few times, for them they pass by and then maybe somebody says, let’s go and drink.
Should I? Maybe no. Yeah, we can go. So, they think a little bit, and they go over there.
It is not such a strong desire. But, over a period of time, by repeated indulgence, it becomes a compulsion. So, at that time, also, though the person has free will, we could say the scope of the free will has become much lesser.
Now, going on to another example, also a software related example only. Free will is the distance between impulse and response. An impulse comes up within us and a response is what we do.
So, the distance between impulse and response is free will, is where our free will exists. And, say, if a friend invites us for a movie, let’s go today evening for a movie. Now, if that movie is, say, we don’t, it’s a very action-filled movie and we like more, we don’t like action movies so much.
Then, that impulse has come, let’s go for a movie. Maybe, yes, I don’t like that movie so much, but I like this friend. For the friend’s sake, I may go for the movie.
Or, maybe I’ll say, let’s go for some other movie. Let’s, somebody, I like a little bit more of humour. So, let’s have some, go for some humour.
So, what happens when our, here, we are not too attracted to something. When the, when the impression that prompts us towards a particular action is not very strong, then the space between impulse and response is quite a bit. There, we can think, we can analyse and then we can act.
So, it’s like if we are on a home, we are visiting a particular website and a pop-up window comes. Now, for some people, in some browsers, it might not even be a pop-up window. It is just one link among twenty other links.
And, if they want to go there, they click that link and then they go over there. So, when they are reading an article, they see the link over there. Okay, maybe I’ll read it, I’ll not read it.
So, the proposition is there, but it’s very minor. But, sometimes, something comes up, not just as a link on the site, it comes as a pop-up window. And then, a pop-up window is much more prominent.
Now, some pop-up windows, they are just a part of the screen. Sometimes, a pop-up window comes up and it consumes the whole screen. Sometimes, we are not very careful, say, in installing, in visiting sites, some malware may come on our computer.
And then, in most programmes, if a programme starts installing itself, it says, do you want to instal this programme? Yes or no. And then, by default, the option may be no, and it may go to yes. Sometimes, by default, the option is yes, and if you don’t do anything, within 10 seconds, then it will instal the programme.
In some situations, it may also be that, it’s like a programme pops, some window pops up, something is getting installed, and then if you don’t want to do it, you say, where is the cross? I can’t find a cross anywhere. So, it’s hidden in different colour combinations. Some programmes are so intrusive, that they just want to instal themselves, and they make stopping the installation very difficult.
So, we could say that for a person who is an addict, the pop-up window comes up, and the option to say no is there, but it is quite inaccessible. And they don’t do anything quickly. So, then the programme will start installing itself, and in their case, they’ll start off.
Come on, I want to drink, I’ll go here, I’ll do this, I’ll do that, and this is what I’ll do. And the whole computer, once a programme is installed, the computer’s energy is taken by that programme, and our attention also goes away with that. So, similarly, when addiction happens, at that time also, the free will is there, but it becomes very limited.
If the impulse and response of the free will, for an addict, it may be extremely low. It’s very, very less. Within that fraction of moments, if somebody, if some thought comes in their mind, somehow they can, within those few moments, they can think of something, that’s how they’re protected.
Otherwise, it becomes very difficult. One of my friends, he’s alcoholic, he’s working with alcoholics, so he, among alcoholics who want to recover, they have a concept called accountability partner. That means, if somebody is getting the urge to drink again, then they have a partner whom they call, I’m feeling a strong urge, what should I do? And this person gives them some encouragement, some strength, some good words of advice.
And they say, one of the conditions if you want to become an accountability partner is that you should be available 24 hours a day. Because for the other person, when the urge will come, you don’t know. And then, not to be available 24 hours a day is not an easy thing.
Sometimes after a long day, we might be sleeping at night. At that time, so he did this for about two months, and he said, initially I was very enthusiastic, I was thinking I’m helping people, but now I’m realising I need help. Because I get exasperated.
Now, what happens, if I have a certain amount of sensitivity and responsibility towards others, we know the other person is calling us when they are in need. So, if somebody disturbs at night when we’re sleeping, we’ll be a little annoyed. We may yell at them, why do you disturb? In this case, you cannot even yell at them, because they are in need and they need some help.
So, it’s difficult. But the point I’m making is that here, between free will and impulse and response, the accountability partner is one way that a gap comes in over there. And that gap is what enables them to stop.
Impulse has come, but the default response will not come up. Now, this gap can also be brought in other ways. One way could also be by physical restriction.
That means, if somebody is alcoholic, they may decide that I will not keep any alcohol in my home, even for my guests. Or I will not keep any loose cash with me where I can go and buy something. Or whatever, sometimes a physical restriction also helps.
So, we will talk about this a little later, but here about how to prevent, I’ll talk a little later. But here the point I’m making is that the way we act, that does create strong impressions on us. And those strong impressions, they come as propositions in future.
And those propositions may become, if we keep doing those actions, those propositions may become forceful. And to say no to those propositions may be extremely difficult at certain times. Now, taking this frame backward, our topic broadly was destiny.
So, just as some impressions may be formed for us by our choices during the course of our life. Say a person, maybe they’re 14, 15, they’re never drunk. But they get into some bad crowd and start drinking.
And by the age of 20, they might be addicts. So, for them, those impressions were formed in those 5 years. And now, it’s almost impossible for them to give it up.
If we go back to 5 years behind, they may have no attraction, no attraction towards alcohol at all. So, we can see that the impressions that are there in our mind, the way our mind thinks right now, I want this, I don’t want that, I like this, I don’t like this. This is a result of our past actions.
I talked about physical, mental and spiritual. Now, the spiritual refers to the Bhagavad Gita says there is a soul. The soul is a source of consciousness.
And the soul is different from the body. The soul can exist independent of the body also. The soul is on a journey of spiritual evolution, of expansion of consciousness, of becoming aware of higher realities.
And in this journey, the soul goes through many lifetimes. So, just as all of us at different stages in our life, at home we may wear a particular dress, in office we may wear another dress, for a party we may wear another set of clothes. So, similarly, for the soul, the body is like a dress.
And in different lifetimes, the soul acquires different dresses. But irrespective of what dress a person is wearing, suppose somebody is a short-tempered person, they may be in official dress in office, or they may be in an informal dress at home, or they may be in a casual wear for a party, or for a get-together, or party, or whatever. Either way, the person is the same.
So, if they are short-tempered, they will still be short-tempered. They may temper their temper a little bit more when they are in a formal situation. They may regulate themselves more, but still the person is the same.
So, similarly, the soul essentially remains the same. It goes from one body to another. And the body, the mind, and the soul, these three things we talked about.
So, the soul and the mind, they both go from one body to another body. The physical body is the dress, which keeps changing. But the soul is unchanging.
And the mind also goes with the soul. It’s like, say, if we are, we may have one computer at home, and we may sell that computer and make another computer. But once we log into that computer with our Google ID, say, as soon as we log in, all our preferences, all our search history, all our bookmarks will all get connected with this computer.
So, similarly for us, the mind goes from one body to another. And that is why you see that different children are different right from the birth. Some kids, they are very, all kids cry, but some kids are relatively gentle.
Some babies, not kids, some babies are gentle, soft. Some babies, when they cry, it appears that they’ll bring the whole house down if somebody doesn’t come and pay attention to them. Some babies, even when they are in their crutches, in their, lying on the laps of their mothers, they are thinking, when am I going to take over the house from my mother? So, they just have that nature.
So, now on a positive side, some children, as they grow up, they are maths geniuses, prodigies. Just pick up maths so fast. Some people, maybe brilliant at music.
Just pick up an instrument and start playing it as if they knew it from before. Some kids, they may be good at art. They take a painting brush and they start painting.
Now, and this may apply even if, now where do these talents come from? Some people may be brilliant painters, brilliant musicians, brilliant at mathematics, brilliant at maths, at math, but then where does this come from? If we sometimes look at some of the geniuses in painting or art or other fields, if you look at their genetics, then neither their parents nor grandparents were anywhere that good. Sometimes they were, sometimes they were not. So, where do these capacities come from if it is not from their parents? So, it’s not just genetics.
There is the impressions just stored in the mind, they can both be positive and negative. The positive impressions, the negative impressions pushes towards unhealthy behaviours. The negative impressions, the positive impressions can also, they can also push us to act positively.
So, within us are forces which prompt us in particular directions. So, earlier I talked about external circumstances which are beyond our control and sometimes they work favourably, sometimes they work unfavourably, like favourable wind. If we are rowing a boat, sometimes the wind may be unfavourable, sometimes the wind may be favourable.
So, this can refer not just to external circumstances. This can apply even to our internal dispositions. Internal disposition means the kind of impressions that are stored in the mind.
So, if somebody, some child, some baby as they grow up, is 3, 4, 5 years old, they have taste for music, they have ability for music. That means that that soul in a previous life has practised music. And that attraction to music, that talent for music is stored in the mind of that person, mind of that child.
And that’s how the child just picks up from now. It’s not that the child is learning from the start. It’s a sometimes, normally when a child gets admitted to a school, the child starts from kindergarten and then grade, level 1, level 2, level 3, that’s how the child moves on.
But say if somebody is transferring from one school to another school. Somebody in Canada, they come to America. And they have studied till 5th grade.
And now, when they join the school, they may go to the same school as someone else, as all the other students, but they will join directly at 6th level. Because they already studied till the 5th level. So, similarly, if we consider that this is our existence is like a multi-lifetime classroom.
The things which we have learned from the past life, we may not consciously remember them. A child, they ask, where did you learn such music? The child may not have any answer to that. But, when the child plays, we can see.
This child is really good at this. How is that? So, from this lifetime’s perspective, it is as if the child is starting to learn music. But actually, some child may be starting to learn music, and it is like a child entering into the kindergarten, or the first level, level 1. But, for some children, they will be directly entering grade 5. Because they have already started their schooling in a previous life, and now they are just catching on from, moving on from there.
So, inside us, both these impressions are there, positive and negative. And both prompt us to act in particular ways. The kind of impressions we have, that is also a part of our destiny.
Our destiny refers to not only the things that happen at the physical level to us, but even the kind of minds that we have, that is also a part of our destiny. So, some of us may have may have a short-tempered nature. Some of us may have a more stoic nature.
Now, this kind of difference in personality is very easily visible when we interact with people. And why are they different like this? Because, that’s how they have lived previously. At a genetic level, it is certain aspects of certain physical features, and certain aspects of the way we function can be explained, but there are many aspects of our behaviour that are not reducible entirely to genes.
Genes are simply tools. They are just like, if I have a particular application installed on my computer, then a particular function I can do with my computer. If the application is not there, I won’t be able to do it.
But, with that application also, how expertly I can do something, that depends on my skills. So, the application is simply a tool. Everybody has phones nowadays.
And everybody can click photos. But, even if somebody has a very high-tech camera, if I want to click a good photo, stand here, maybe I have this background, I have this lighting a little bit, I’ll take from this angle. All those things are something which is up to the individual skill.
And the same camera, one person might take a, same phone camera, one person might take a mediocre photo, and somebody might take a classic photo. So, the tool itself does not determine the calibre of the work that a person does. So, we all have certain physical tools with us.
All of us have voices. That’s a tool. But, not all of us can sing like a singer.
So, that how we use that tool, it’s not that singers have a different structure of their neck. It’s not that they have a different neck at all. The voice cord, if we see from a biological perspective, yes, because they may have trained their voice cord, so they might be a little more better.
But, they are not made of different components. So, our behaviour itself indicates that there is something more to us beyond our physical voice. And, we are looking at, when we want to make choices, that’s our topic, how to make good choices, the point which we are discussing is, what is it that prompts us to act in particular ways? That is, the impressions stored within us.
Some impressions positive, some negative. They prompt us to act in particular ways. So, when we may resolve to do something, in this situation, and this person provokes me, I will not become angry.
Because, if I become angry, I simply make things worse. If that is what we decide, now, when the situation comes, we may be pushed. The proposition comes, go on, yell at this person, shout at this person, put them in their place, give them a peace of your mind.
All those propositions will come within us. If you understand, this is simply a proposition that has come. It is like a pop-up window that has opened up for me.
It is for me to choose whether I want to accept this pop-up window or close it. That is where our free will comes into the picture. And, that capacity to make good choices, that can be enhanced if we develop our self-understanding.
If we use spiritual knowledge to understand ourselves better. The Bhagavad Gita is such a book which acts like an inner torchlight. When, say, right now, if this room were completely dark, and if somebody, one person started speaking.
Now, if we don’t know each other very well, somebody starts speaking. Who is this person speaking? We would not be able to put a name to the voice. And, we would not know who is speaking and who.
If one person says, let’s go here. Another person says, let’s go there. Let’s do this.
Let’s do that. Who is this speaking? Who should I hear? It will be very difficult if everything is dark. But, if the light turns on, this is this person saying this, this person saying this, we can identify.
We can identify each person, then we can evaluate whom do we listen to. So, similarly for us, there are many voices that come inside us. Some voice says, come on, give that person a piece of your mind.
Yell at them. But, another voice says, no, no, no, that will make things worse. Don’t do this.
Be calm. So, now, which voice do we hear? This is simply the voice of my default impressions. The impressions are coming as a proposition.
And, this is the voice of my intelligence. I’ll hear this voice. I’ll not hear this voice.
So, that inner torch is what the spiritual knowledge serves as. And, with that inner torch, we can understand ourselves better and then we can act more effectively. Then, here, I’d like to do a thought exercise.
But, before we go to the thought exercise, I’ll talk about if we have certain impressions that are unhealthy, that give us some unwanted propositions, then how do we protect ourselves from succumbing to those propositions? How do we say no to certain things when the default response within us is yes? So, for this, for understanding this, the thought exercise will be that after about 5-7 minutes, I explain this point and then all of you can, like we did yesterday, writing down writing down what is our default impression and how we can go about changing it. So, I gave one example is that the proposition comes up on the pop-up window inside us and then we can say no to it. Now, that in principle seems simple.
But, in practise, it is quite difficult. And now, quite often we think, we decide I’m going to do this and I’m not able to do it. I just don’t have any power.
I don’t have determination. It’s not as simple as that. I earlier said, is addiction just a character flaw or is it a disease? Now, there is every bad habit, every unwanted habit that we may have, it is a character weakness, we could say.
If somebody has more willpower, they should be able to get it up. It’s a choice. But, once it grows beyond a particular limit, it becomes like a disease.
At that time, simply saying no is not that easy. A lot of support system is needed for that. Supports are needed for that.
So, to explain this point, let’s consider this floor. Now, if this floor were inclined like this, if this floor were inclined like this, then if water spills on it and say there we have got some electronic equipment and we don’t want the water to go over there. But, once the water has spilled, I don’t want the water to go over there.
Just our intention that the water not go there is not going to be enough. Because the floor is inclined that way, by default the water will go in that direction. By default.
No amount of willpower, come on, water should not go there. No use. Water is by gravity going to go there.
The floor has this inclination. Then, the water will flow along the direction of the inclination. Now, the word inclination, we also use for internals.
I have an inclination for music. He has an inclination for art. So, the word inclination can also be, if we consider our mind to be like a floor.
So, we can say our internal floor is inclined in different ways. So, for an alcoholic, their internal floor is inclined towards alcohol. And, for somebody who is an addict, it is like a very steep incline.
So, as soon as water falls, it starts racing down. For somebody who is not that addicted, who is drunk a few times, then it’s gently inclined. For some persons, people who are just social drinkers, it might be very lightly inclined.
For people who are never drunk and are not interested in drinking, it’s a flat floor. You have to push the water in that direction for it to go. For some people who have strong moral taboo to drinking, then, for them, the floor is inclined like this.
And, even if you force them to drink, then, I’ll not drink. They’ll run away from there. So, we can say our floors, for each of us, the floor is inclined in different ways.
And, when the floor is inclined in a particular way, then, if we compare the water to our consciousness, as soon as thought enters in, if our consciousness is like water, which flows, then our consciousness, as soon as it falls on that floor, it’ll flow in that direction. That’s why I said, for some people who are addicts, from the moment they wake up, they become conscious, first thought is, I want to drink. What has happened? As soon as the water falls on the floor, the floor is so strongly inclined, immediately, the consciousness goes over there.
I want to drink. So, if the floor is inclined in this way, then, how do we stop the water from flowing in that direction? Just willpower, oh, I’ll not do this. That’s not going to be enough.
My thoughts are going to go in that direction, my desires are going to come like that, my intention is going to be in that direction. Eventually, action will also come. So, if the floor is inclined, then, there are three steps that are required.
These are three Rs. Restriction, Redirection, and Reconstruction. Restriction means that when the water is flowing in this direction, if there is electronic equipment there, then I create a small barrier, maybe a small wall or fence, which may be over there, near that, or right here itself, so that when the water starts flowing, it’s inclined, but I create some additional barrier over there.
So, Restriction, that will prevent the water from flowing in that direction. Second is Redirection. If I let the water keep flowing like this, like this, eventually the restriction will fall, and the barrier will fall and the water will move on.
So, Restriction alone is not enough. Redirection, push the water back. We may have to use something mechanical to push the water back in the opposite direction.
And the most sustainable solution is Reconstruction. Change the floor so that it becomes inclined in another direction, or at least it becomes flat, so that it is not inclined that way. So, these three, how do we apply this in our life? If there is a particular person with whom we tend to become angry.
There are some people in our lives who bring out the best within us. When we are there with them, we behave nicely, and they inspire us to great heights. They inspire us to do better and better.
And sometimes, some people just bring out the worst within us. As soon as we interact with them, knowingly or unknowingly, they press certain buttons within us, and we just start yelling, we start getting angry. Now, when that happens, if I know in this situation, with this person, I tend to get provoked.
So, I know that. Then I may have to create some restriction. That means, now I am exhausted, now this is a provocative situation, I will not bring this issue up right now.
I will not address this right now. We will make a plan, if we are to discuss this, when I am calm, when that person is calm, then we will plan, and we will have a discussion. Or, like I said, alcoholics don’t have access to alcohol, very easily.
Nowadays, there is a big concern about people developing screen addiction, or internet addiction, video game addiction, web surfing mania. So then, there are different kinds of net filters, which limit the access to the internet. So that way, what happens is a physical barrier.
So by default, the water flows in that direction, but we can check it. And restriction is not is not the complete solution, by any means. But it is often a vital first step towards the solution.
Without that restriction, I am not going to do it. I may start with, I am not going to do it, and before we know what has happened, we have already done it. Because the water has already flown in that direction.
Then the second is, so restriction is something which can help us minimise the minimise the likelihood of me doing the unwanted thing. About five months ago, I had come to America. I had gone to Silicon Valley.
I spoke in Google over there. And in Google, they had done a survey. Because most of the jobs, the research jobs, they are sedentary.
They work on computers. So they had issues with people becoming obese and having various health issues. And they consulted a psychologist and they found that people were eating too many desserts when they would go for lunch.
They were eating too many sweet items. And that was a problem. People were getting diabetic and many other issues.
So this so they decided to implement a policy. A psychologist told them that in your cafe, in your cafeteria, whatever desserts you have, may have chocolates, you may have cookies, sweets, whatever sweets you have, cover them all with non-transparent paper or put them in non-transparent boxes. So if somebody wants it, they can ask for it and they can buy it.
But somebody just casually goes there to eat and says, what do I eat? And they see this alluring. They’ll take it. So when they did this, they did this for six months, and they found just by that, almost 30-35% of consumption of desserts went down.
And correspondingly, the health related, now they’re not concerned so much about whether people get diabetes or not primarily. They’re concerned about their performance. And they’re concerned about how much health insurance they have to pay for their employees.
They found, correspondingly, the costs on health related expenses went down substantially. So here, if instead they had got somebody to give a lecture to their employees saying that you should not eat so many sweets. Well, everybody knows that.
I should not eat too much. But, if the inclination is there, then when the temptation comes, come on, eat it. So restriction.
Here the restriction was simply make it invisible. Not inaccessible, but just invisible. So there’s an old saying, out of sight is out of mind.
Yeah. So along with restriction, we could have redirection. The water is moving in a particular direction, push it in another direction.
That’s redirection. So how do we do that? For that, we have to find out something healthy, something positive, something constructive that also attracts us. Every habit that we have, that often serves some need.
So if somebody is an alcoholic, they may be alcoholics because they’re social drinkers. They are in the circle of people who drink and that’s how they drink. If the social circle changes, people who don’t drink in the new social circle, they may not drink.
So they are drinking because they want a sense of belonging. They want a sense of community. They want to hang out with the cool crowd.
They want to appear cool. Now if they can hang out with the crowd without doing that, they’ll stop doing it. So the habit of drinking is serving a need.
So if we understand that need and learn to fulfil that in some other way, if somebody is a social drinker and they can just change the crowd they hang out with, then they may be able to give up the drinking easily. So redirection means that we get our consciousness pushed in another direction instead of that direction. And that can be done only when we, whatever it is that is attracting us towards that, we can get something similar somewhere else.
Some people may be drinking as a escape way from life’s problems. So whenever they are frustrated with life and this goes wrong, that goes wrong, that goes wrong and then one way to forget it all, just drink and go high. Now unless they can find another way to get that relief from stress, that relief from frustration, a healthier way to do that, unless they find that, no amount of willpower will work.
Normally I’ll not drink, I’ll not drink, but when they get frustrated, I just need a break right now. Okay, I’ll drink, I’ll get a break from it. So this redirection means we find out something attractive, something that is attractive for us, which serves the deeper need that was served by that behaviour.
Suppose somebody learns meditation, somebody learns deep breathing, somebody learns mantra chanting, somebody learns to relax themselves by meditation. Then when that stress comes, instead of drinking, let me meditate now, let me relax, let me go deep within myself. And if they can develop that habit, then that water which is flowing in this direction, you get something by which you push it in the other direction.
So if we want to change our behaviour, we can’t just give up, we just can’t reject habits. We have to replace the habit. Replace the habit means find some other way to serve the need that was served by that habit.
And the last is reconstruction. Reconstruction means the floor is inclined in this way, but the floor becomes inclined in another way. Then the water will naturally flow in that direction.
It is like we visit some other site so frequently that that becomes our preference, that becomes our bookmark, that becomes our default home page. So once we start developing an attraction towards something positive, say somebody likes to surf a lot on the net, but then I want to watch this movie, I want to see this thing, that thing, that thing. But if they develop a habit for reading and whatever stimulation, entertainment, whatever education, whatever illumination, whatever they were getting, they get.
It may be physical reading, it may be digital reading, whatever. But once they get attracted towards that, then once that attraction becomes strong, then the inclination of the floor changes. And once the inclination of the floor has changed, then it’s almost that they are past the danger zone.
They have come to safety because now the water will not flow in that direction. And this happens through, so restriction and redirection, these can be done by various means, practical as well as social, but reconstruction requires spiritual change. Reconstruction requires what is called in spiritual language as purification.
Purification means that our heart becomes purified, purged, cleansed of the negative impressions and positive impressions come in. So, I talked about the soul being consciousness and yesterday I briefly mentioned that there is an infinite consciousness. So, the contact between the finite and infinite consciousness, that is what is called as Bhakti Yoga.
So, Bhakti Yoga is a process of devotion, of the devotion connection. Yoga is connection, Bhakti is devotion. So, yesterday evening we had this Kirtan, the spiritual music we had.
That is an example of a practise which is in Bhakti Yoga. So, there is a devotion connection that is established through the practise of Bhakti Yoga and that changes our inner landscape when because the infinite consciousness is all pure and when we connect with the infinite consciousness we also become pure and to the extent we become pure and that is the changing of our inner inclinations. So, about this concept of purification, I will talk in my next session which is the last session, bring out the best within you.
But before I conclude I said that we will do some thought exercise. This is what we can all do. You can think in your own life, now what is it that your mental floor is inclined towards? It could be something positive something negative.
Something positive that is a strength which you can tap but it is something negative. Then you can think yourself how could you bring a restriction and how could you bring a redirection. Reconstruction we will talk in the next session but so you can have about 3 to 5 minutes for this and you don’t have to share this with anyone necessarily but this is something which you can contemplate and then that can be something which you can practically apply.
So, I will repeat the question that it is, you can think what is the inclination of your mind which is, let’s focus on that which is not so positive and in that inclination how can you bring in a restriction that will protect you from impulsive indulgence and how can you bring about a reconstruction or a redirection within that. What is something else which you could do to address that need in a healthier way. So, we can have about 5 minutes for doing this.
Is it clear what I was asking or? Thank you. So, would any of you like to share what you thought, what you noted. Yes, please.
Yes, definitely. Sorry. Yeah.
Yeah. That’s true. Okay.
That’s true. Okay. Yeah, that is a good example.
Thank you for sharing. Actually this is a practical problem that we can do analysis when we are at leisure, but when the heat of action to apply it is difficult. But what you said is practical if you just said, okay, for a few moments, for a minute, I am not going to respond.
There can be different ways. We can just, if somebody, something is provoking us, something is disturbing us, we can take count till 10, we can take a few deep breaths, we can chant some mantras. Basically we normally think of our emotions in two terms, either I express it or I repress it.
But there is a third option, beyond expressing and repressing to processing. So now sometimes processing is not possible in the heat of the moment. And that time we just react the default way we normally react, that is okay.
But later on, when we are in a more peaceful situation, at that time if we can process, okay, this is what happened that time and this is how I reacted. Because as I said, if the water is pushing and going in this direction, and that is the way it is going, now unless we have some tool to push the water back, to push the water back with our hands, maybe it is a small trickle, we can push it back. But it is a big flow, we cannot push water back with our hands.
So sometimes it is not just, we know that this is not a good response, but we do not know what is a good response. Let us say, I know the water is going this way, I do not know, it is not good, it is going this way, how do I push it back? So, for that time, we have to deal with that, it is, see that, if we consider a graph of time versus our consciousness, then these provocative situations keep coming up as spikes in between. Maybe it comes, happens once a day or once several hours or once a week or whatever, different situations, they keep coming.
Now at that time, it is very difficult to deal with it, in a way different from our default way. But in the gap in between, we plan, okay, what could I do with this time? We can think ourselves, plan, we can read some wisdom, literature about it, and we can ourselves look at our experience, look at the other person’s disposition and then see what would work. It is not that there will be one formula that will fit for everyone, it is, we have to find what works with, in our situation, with the people around us.
But if we consider that the processing does not have to be done at that time alone, this is a spike that has come, that is a spike that has come, but in between, if I put some time and analyse, okay, we could have tried this, I did this at this time, so that processing will help us to be better equipped when next time a similar situation comes. And in, with respect to behavioural changes, it is rarely a matter of right or wrong, it is not digital logic, it is more of analogue logic, it is not 0 or 1, it is degrees of rightness and degrees of, degrees of appropriateness and degrees of inappropriateness. So if, in a relationship, in an interaction, even if say, if our response was say 80 degrees towards, if this is the appropriate response, this is the inappropriate response, even if from say 30 degrees inclined towards the inappropriate, we move towards 30 degrees inclined towards the appropriate, that can also make a significant change.
So it is not necessary that we have to always get the right response, even a lesser wrong response is progress. If we have this incremental understanding of our behaviour, of our way of functioning, then we can be on the path of incremental growth through learning and sometimes we may come this way and again temporary lapse then that way. But overall by putting in this effort, we will move in that direction.
So in, in terms of the metaphor, say I will not speak for, I will not speak for one minute or I will just stay calm for a minute before I do anything. That is like putting a wall, that’s the restriction part. The redirection part would be, how do I, what is my need? What is needed over here? Maybe a child that acted like this, but the child was supposed to act like that or spoken like this, spoken like that.
So how can I train? How can I help? So then if we focus not just on the behaviour, but on the need, need means why is this behaviour inappropriate? Why is that behaviour better? And if we just correct, you know, you should not behave like this, say why not? So maybe that is not the time for the education. But at a time when we are calm, at a time when the child is in a more receptive mood, at that time we explain. And sometimes children also take some time to learn.
They may keep doing the same thing again and again, but over a period of time, if we are patient and if we are diligent, diligent means we keep doing our part, patient means we accept that they are not able to change also. And gradually that redirection will happen. So it is not an immediate process, but it is an incremental process.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing. Anyone else? Yes, please.
I think my learning isn’t a good outcome, right? So there is another floor and it is not my mental floor. And the flow of my decisions are happening, but it is beyond me. The information is coming from elsewhere.
So I can be very concrete. So I will be very personal. But I am in a work environment.
Hired a physician half an hour a day. I think we are going to need some years of quality to sort of address the needs, address what needed to happen and do that. Then I saw the writing on the wall.
I was going to leave. But I decided, and I was looking at people, but I decided to stay through the adversity because I also wanted to see what happened. And it didn’t matter how much good you performed.
Out. So like in my mind, I was thinking, the need was, I need a job. I can’t really quit.
So let me perform as best as I can. And so you make decisions, but you know that there is like beyond your control. You are going to be out.
You are going to be out. So I am curious, very personal, but that is what I am grappling with. Like, you know, it is not even a situation of being in the moment and how to respond.
It is like an overall situation, right? Like situation, conception, and emotion. How do you map the conceptualisation of a situation that in a sense can be beyond your control? That is what reminds me of the rest of the work I am doing with Holy Family. Yeah, it is a tough situation if, say… That is just an example.
There are other examples. Yeah, I understand. It is a, we are in a particular position where whatever we do, we are going to lose our job.
But still we decide to stick in because we want to do our job well. And we need a job also. What do we do at that time? There are two broad ways of functioning.
You could say one is goal driven and the other is purpose driven. So goal driven is more that I want to achieve this goal. Where, okay, I want to earn this much money, I want to get this position, I want this.
So goals are external to us. And if our definition of success is in terms of goals alone, sometimes we may achieve a goal, sometimes we may not achieve a goal. And if we don’t achieve a goal, then we may feel that all the effort I put in was a waste.
But if we understand that if we are purpose driven, purpose means, I was planning to talk more about this in the last session, but purpose means that I understand that I have been given certain talents, I have certain interests and based on this I want to make a contribution. So if say somebody is a journalist and they are writing something for a paper. Now sometimes you may write five things and only one gets published.
When you write ten things and nothing gets published. Sometimes you write three things and all of them get published. Now in this situation, if the purpose, if it is purpose driven, I want to become a good writer, I want to become a good journalist, then publication is important no doubt.
But if publication alone becomes the goal, then that is not in our control. But if my goal is to become a good writer, sometimes it may be that I may be rejected, but I might get some good critique which helps me to learn and helps me to become a good writer. Sometimes I may write something, something not at all good, but because there is a shortage of material, so even that gets published.
So in that case, my success is actually an illusion. I achieved my goal of getting published, but I have not really improved in my writing. So when we are goal driven, we become dependent on externals and we may or may not grow.
But when we are purpose driven, my purpose is this is how I want to contribute in my life. This is what I want to become. Then we can keep moving onwards.
And another way to look at this is goal and purposes that we can have, we can envision success as a direction or as a destination. If I consider success as a destination, say if I decide to go from here in the eastern direction. Now along the journey in the eastern direction, there might be some beautiful scenery, some river might be there, some pond might be there, some natural sanctuary might be there, some architectural marvels might be there.
I can see them, but suppose there is a lot of crowd or a lot of traffic along the way and going there is difficult, then I might take some other route and I keep moving on. If my purpose was just to see a particular site and the road over there is blocked, then I just can’t do anything. But if my purpose is to go in the eastern direction, certain sites I’ll be able to see still because I’m going in the eastern direction.
But even if I don’t see those, I’ll keep moving onwards. So for us, we have to see that success is more in terms of how we are purpose driven, how we have a purpose to make contribution. And say if we do a good job, even when the writing is on the wall as you said, that we are going to be fired, but still that culture which we create for ourselves, the ethos of working consistently, that is something which is an asset which will stay with us.
And circumstantially a particular position may not stay with us. We may have to leave that position and we take something else in future. So that way if we move inwards, the situation is not in my control.
We asked about conceptualisation. If my concept is that I have to achieve this goal only then I’m successful, then that will lead to frustration if you can’t achieve it. But we change our concept.
My concept is that I want to have a purpose which I live true to. The purpose that I’m going to live true to is I’m going to become a good professional in this field. I’m going to be a good performer in this field.
And if I’m not recognised today, I’ll be recognised tomorrow. So that way, that change of conception will help us to persevere through failure and not just persevere through failure, but even to grow through failure. So, anyone else like to speak? Thank you.
So I’ll summarise what I spoke and then we’ll continue in the next session. I spoke about the theme of making healthy choices in the overall topic of destiny. I talked about how our life is shaped not just by what we do in every moment, but also especially by what we do in certain critical moments.
Like when we are driving, every moment how we are driving matters, but especially when we come to crossroads, to intersections, how we drive matters most. So those moments when we have to make defining choices, how do we make them? For that, I talked about how our past choices, our past decisions become our impressions. And those impressions become like propositions which come for us.
So, if somebody visits sports.com repeatedly, then even if we want to go to spirituality, sports.com will come again. And if somebody is drunk alcohol repeatedly, then alcohol, that proposal to drink alcohol will come forcefully from within them. And resisting that will be difficult.
And for doing that, I talked about how addiction is not just a wrong choice. It can also become a disease. So, the stronger an impression becomes, the more difficult it is to resist.
And beyond a particular point, willpower alone will not be adequate. The free will is the distance between impulse and response. And in some cases that free will is a lot, in some cases very little.
And to create that distance, to increase that distance, I took the metaphor of a floor. That is the floor is inclined in a particular way. It is not a matter of willpower.
Water is going to flow in that direction. For the water to flow in the opposite direction, we need something much more important. And that is, I talked about three R’s.
What are the three R’s? Restriction, Redirection, Reconstruction. Thank you. So, restriction is, if we tend to behave in a particular way, then we create some physical barrier by which that kind of behaviour is not so easily available for us.
So, for alcoholics, do not keep some drinks nearby. I talked about a Google experiment where they covered all deserts in non-transparent containers. Similarly, whatever be our particular behaviour, we create some restriction.
I tend to get angry. Okay, for some time, I am not going to speak. Then after that, it is redirection.
Redirection means that every behaviour, every habit serves some need within us. And if we can serve that need in a healthier way, then giving up that habit is easier. If somebody drinks because they are social drinkers, then if they just change the social circle, drinking will go away.
If somebody drinks because they need relief when they face troubles, when they face distresses, then you will find a healthier way to get that relief from distress. Maybe it could meditate, develop some healthier habit. And then that much that need is addressed, giving up that habit is easier.
So, when the water is flowing in a particular direction, we need some tool by which we can push the water back. That tool is a habit, positive habit that we cultivate. So, restriction is simply saying no to the one habit.
Redirection is cultivating a positive habit. And then reconstruction is where the mental floor itself gets changed, whereby whatever we are doing, whatever positive habits we develop, that becomes so strong that then naturally our consciousness flows in the positive direction and stops flowing in the negative direction. We talked about how our impressions are formed, not just by what we have done in the recent past.
It can also be in the distant past. Distant past means also in previous lives. From previous lives, some people may be more inclined to be short-tempered, say more controlling kind of nature could be there.
And similarly, from the past, we can also have positive impressions. That is, some people may be good at math, good at math or singing or art or whatever. So, the inclination that are positive, we channel them.
The inclination that are negative, we regulate them. And that way, we can move towards making better decisions in our life. Thank you very much.
Jai Krishna. You had an example that the Maitreya-Rama, the Tantra was speaking. And you would like to, it won’t speak very much on this issue.
Correct, yeah. Well, one of the theories of how we get the voice in our head when we’re talking to ourselves is that the people that are around us growing up, that at first we’re repeating what they’re saying, but eventually it’s their voice that is in our head. It’s sort of not necessarily one person’s, but it’s the voice of the people around us that’s in our head, was one theory, which at first it sounded ludicrous to me, but eventually I realised that seems to be a lot to that.
And in fact, even today, I’ll hear in my head, I mean, I know it’s not my voice, but if the yogic practise is saying such and such particular command, particular advice in certain situations, eventually I’ll find myself in that situation and hear their voice saying that thing in my head. And in this case, it’s clear whose voice it is and I know what’s going on, so it’s not, there’s no mistaking identities, but it seems like it is kind of the same as when you’re in the heat of some moment and you’re deciding between which behaviour to choose, what kind of voice is that, that you follow. That’s true, yeah.
So the voices inside us, are they the voices of people from our past, that have impressed them? Yes, definitely. Broadly speaking, there are five factors that shape our behaviour. First is our past life karma, the way we have acted in the past, we carry some impression from the past.
Second is our upbringing, the kind of parents, the family circle, social circle which we had, that is very formative. Third is our association, the kind of people we are presently with. When we are doing a particular action, it may not be that that person is right there with us.
If say we are with people, who are very conscious of say traffic rules. If you travel in India and if you travel here, in India people just, people who follow the speed limits are rare. People who break the speed rules are quite common.
But the same Indians, if they come here, they follow the rules very meticulously. And not just because there is a heavy penalty, that’s one aspect to it. But also everybody follows, so people will follow.
So association also shapes us. Of course, there are beyond these three, beyond our past life impressions, beyond our upbringing, beyond our association, we always have free will. And by that free will, so all these three things, they push us.
They don’t force us. When they push us, we can counter-push. But some voices, as they impress very deeply within us, unless we have a countering voice, let’s do it.
Why bother? So sometimes, if you see some of the best sports players, top performers, if you look back at their life, they had some voice of someone who believed in them. Someone who encouraged them. Yes, you can achieve it.
Could be just one coach or there could be many coaches. But that positive voice is what pushes them, pushes them, pushes them. And then, the free will is to choose which voice to hear.
And the last fifth factor is what we call as grace. It’s a divine grace by which our capacity to push becomes stronger. And these three voices, these three forces, their force becomes weaker.
So if somebody is playing a boxing match, at that time, say, the opponent just hits a big blow and the player is knocked out. Now it’s quite painful and demoralising to be knocked out. At that time, the player has to decide, whom do I look at? The player looks at the coach.
The coach says, come on, get up, do this, you can do it. Then the player will get some courage to get up. But if the player looks at the opponent, says, do you think I can win? The opponent is a lover.
So, if the player listens to the opponent who has knocked him down, then the player will quit the match there itself. So the knockdown will become a knockout at that time. So, inside us, there is a voice which will encourage us, but there is also a voice which will discourage us.
And we could conceivably, it’s not always practically possible, but conceivably, conceptually it may be possible to trace the encouraging voice within us to the people in the past who encouraged us. The discouraging voice within us to the people who discouraged us. So, we can’t, at our level, identify the voices in terms of where which voice is coming from.
But we can see where which voice will take me. This voice will enable me to do more. This voice will make me just give up everything.
Therefore, I’ll listen to this voice, I’ll not listen to this voice. So, the more we become functional in terms of which voice is taking me in which direction, then we can learn to focus on hearing the voice that is going to help us act more positively. And we can’t immediately change.
See, among these five factors, the first two are unchangeable. The kind of impressions we have carried from our previous lives and the kind of upbringing we have had, we can’t change them. We can change our association by which we can have more positive, encouraging voices within our social circle.
And although these other voices are there, we can choose whether we hear them or not. That means we can’t change our memories. Whatever is impressed is impressed already there.
But we can choose what we remember. In my computer there may be a hundred files. Now, sometimes if it’s a computer from my workplace, I don’t have the right to delete anything over there.
But then I can choose which file I want to open. So like that, from the past, the voices that are there, they are there, we can’t delete them. But we can choose whether I open that file or not, whether I keep dwelling on it.
Generally these voices, the more we hear a voice, the stronger it becomes. And the more we turn our attention towards somewhere else, to hearing someone else, that voice becomes dimmer. And then gradually that voice becomes mute.
So we can’t choose what voices will play within us. But we can choose which voice we focus on. Thank you.
Shall we stop here? So, thank you very much.