How can we deal with anger caused by people who have hurt us?

Answer Podcast

How to Deal with Anger When We Are Treated Unfairly — Especially While Trying to Do Good

Question:
If we feel angry because we’ve been treated unfairly — especially when we were genuinely trying to help or serve someone — how do we deal with that?

Answer:
This is a very real and painful experience. Broadly speaking, each of us needs to process our emotions in a way that is healthy. Unprocessed emotions are always harmful — they don’t disappear, they simply go underground and erupt later in more damaging ways.

Often, when people are treated unfairly, misunderstood, or maligned — especially when they had good intentions — others may dismiss their pain as just a perception:

“Oh, don’t make a big deal of it!”
But our feelings can feel stronger than facts, even if they’re not objectively accurate. That doesn’t make them invalid. They can’t simply be dismissed as “just subjective.”

So, the first thing is: we need a way to process our emotions so that we can heal and move forward.

Three Stages in Dealing with Anger

1. Processing Our Emotions
2. Dealing with the Situation (if needed)
3. Preparing for Future Similar Situations

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1. Processing Our Emotions

Anger is a universal human emotion. Even in the scriptures, great sages like the Brahmanas sometimes get angry and even curse others. The Bhagavatam describes such incidents — like Shrungi cursing Parikshit Maharaj, which eventually leads to the speaking of the Bhagavatam itself. So even through mistakes, Krishna brings good.

That said, we all experience anger differently:

• Some people bottle it up.
• Some need solitude to process it.
• Some need to talk it out — if not with the person who hurt them, then at least with someone understanding.

It’s helpful to talk with someone, or even journal, to ventilate and organize our emotions. That’s the first step — to make sure the emotions are not festering inside.

2. Dealing with the Situation

Sometimes, after dealing with our inner world, we may feel the need to communicate with the person who hurt us. Not in a confrontational way — not with accusations — but simply to express how their actions affected us.

In many cases, the other person might not even be aware how deeply they hurt us. So it can be helpful (and sometimes necessary) to seek a conversation. If they acknowledge it and make amends, wonderful — that helps us heal and move on.

But if they don’t, we still have the power to move forward. Like healing a wound — if we can’t change the cause, we protect the injured area, allow it to heal, and take care to avoid reinjury.

3. Preparing for Future Situations

Sometimes, no matter what we do, the other person doesn’t change — or even worsens. In that case, we need to shift focus from them to ourselves.

We may aspire to forgive and forget — and that is noble. But we must also be honest with where we are emotionally. Sometimes, we simply can’t interact peacefully with a particular person.

That’s okay.

Even Srila Prabhupada, in a practical example, assigned incompatible disciples to different centers so they could both continue serving Krishna without constant friction. So, sometimes, creating a safe distance is not avoidance — it’s wise self-preservation for spiritual growth.

As the saying goes:

“If we can’t be together peacefully, it’s better to be apart respectfully.”

Key Insight: Being Kind to Ourselves

We must learn to be kind to ourselves, while also being firm in our devotion.

Being kind to ourselves means acknowledging that:

• We may not yet be able to just “forgive and forget.”
• We may need distance or boundaries.
• We may need to stop being emotionally centered on a person who consumes our peace.

And being firm in our devotion means:

• Not allowing someone else’s behavior to disconnect us from Krishna.
• Continuing our service, even if we have to make adjustments in how or where we do it.

Conclusion

Anger is part of being human. And when that anger comes from being wronged while trying to do good, it can hurt deeply.

But we can choose to:

1. Process the emotion with honesty and care.
2. Address the situation wisely, if needed.
3. Create space when necessary, and prepare for the future.

No matter what happens around us, Krishna can bring good out of even the most painful situations — if we let go of resentment and choose responsibility.

Thank you.