How to deal with learned devotees who lack empathy?
Answer Podcast
How to Deal with Learned Devotees Who Lack Empathy?
This is a difficult issue. Here are three points that can help us navigate such situations.
1. Understand People’s Nature
Different people have different natures. Some are more introverted and prefer solitude; others are more expressive and people-oriented. Some live in their heads—thinking deeply, analyzing, philosophizing—and may naturally be less emotionally expressive. Others are more emotionally attuned and empathetic.
This variety is simply due to the psychophysical nature each of us has, and spiritual growth doesn’t necessarily change that nature. For example, someone who is a manager by nature may remain a manager even after becoming a devotee. The difference is that they now manage in the service of Krishna, not for ego or power.
Similarly, if someone is more intellectual than emotional, they may always value ideas more than people. That doesn’t mean they don’t care—it just means their care may not be expressed in a way others easily perceive.
Sometimes, devotees who never say a kind word might still be praying sincerely for others. We don’t always know what is going on in their hearts. So the first principle is: recognize and accept people’s nature. If a devotee consistently behaves a certain way, it’s wise to adjust our expectations accordingly. Expecting praise from someone who finds it very difficult to express appreciation may only lead to disappointment.
2. Find Support Elsewhere Within the Community
Still, we all need a certain level of empathy, encouragement, appreciation, or at least a human connection. If we don’t receive that from one person, we can seek it from others.
In earlier times, people lived in joint families. One benefit was that emotional expectations were distributed. If one person couldn’t meet a certain emotional need, someone else often could.
Similarly, in a spiritual community, if one devotee cannot offer the emotional connection or encouragement we need, there may be others who can. Seek appropriate relationships within the bounds of dharma and the community, where emotional needs can be met.
3. Express Our Needs Non-Judgmentally
If we have a reasonably good relationship with the devotee in question, and it seems they do care but just don’t know how to express it, then we can gently communicate our needs.
The key is not to accuse or attack. Instead of saying, “You are so insensitive” or “You never appreciate anything,” which will likely make them defensive, we can express our feelings honestly and personally:
“When I brought this for you and you didn’t acknowledge it, I felt hurt and unappreciated.”
Such statements focus on our feelings rather than the other person’s faults, making it easier for them to understand and respond. Often, people are willing to improve, but they simply don’t know what’s expected unless it’s communicated clearly and kindly.
Also, keep in mind that different people show love differently. For example, a father might express his love by working hard to buy a bat and ball for his son, while the child simply wants the father to play with him. The father is showing love through gifts; the child craves love through time.
If we can help others understand how we need to be loved or supported, they may be willing to adjust. And that also helps them grow emotionally and spiritually.
In Summary
When dealing with learned but seemingly unempathic devotees:
- Recognize their nature – not everyone is emotionally expressive, and bhakti doesn’t necessarily change that.
- Seek emotional support from others in the community who are able to provide it.
- Communicate your emotional needs kindly and clearly, giving others a chance to respond.
Does that address your question?