If we label people positively – you are specially talented – can that help people grow?

Podcast:

Positive labels can indeed help people grow. Generally, the word “labeling” carries a negative connotation, implying pigeonholing or mischaracterization. However, with respect to positive labels, their efficacy varies.

Consider affirmations, which have been shown to be quite helpful for many. People might repeat phrases like, “Everything will be alright,” or “There’s a plan behind everything that happens,” to calm themselves during stressful times. “All is well,” for example. Such affirmations can certainly provide comfort.

However, research suggests that affirmations are most effective when they refer to a truth we already accept but tend to forget, or a truth that is genuinely attainable for us. For instance, telling a child, “You’re a good boy,” even if they’ve misbehaved, can be helpful if it reinforces an inherent goodness that they possess but might momentarily overlook.

Conversely, affirmations can be psychologically damaging when there’s a significant mismatch between the affirmation and reality. For example, telling a short person, “You are tall and powerful,” will not magically make them tall and powerful. Affirmations that create a radical distance between themselves and reality are often counterproductive. If someone is overweight and repeats, “I am slim and attractive,” this is unlikely to work. While an overweight person can certainly possess attractive features in other ways, the affirmation “I’m slim” won’t make them so and may only serve to remind them of their current reality, potentially causing distress.

This relates to the concept I mentioned earlier: how love involves both acceptance and expectation. Love has two aspects: we accept the other person as they are, and we simultaneously expect them to become better. If the acceptance side is too strong and there’s no expectation, the person may remain stagnant and not grow. On the other hand, if the expectation is too high without sufficient acceptance, the person feels overwhelmed and stretched. If expectations are unrealistic, they might feel they can never meet them, causing strain in the relationship.

Therefore, positive labels or affirmations are most effective when they are realistic and genuinely help the person to uplift themselves and rise. This is the condition under which they can be beneficial.