What can we do when we feel emotions that we aren’t meant to feel?
Podcast:
Question: Sometimes, certain emotions we experience may not even be considered acceptable. If we feel these emotions, what should we do?
Answer: This is a crucial point, and it’s something I’ll discuss further as a potential pitfall in journaling during the last session. For now, I’ll provide a quick explanation.
Often, we might tell ourselves, “I shouldn’t feel anger,” or “I shouldn’t feel lust, or greed,” or any other emotion deemed unhealthy or inappropriate. While, on one level, this might be true, the emotions we feel are quite frequently just quick labels we apply to a situation. For instance, you might say, “I’m feeling angry at this person.” But what if that person is your teacher, or someone you’re supposed to respect? You might think, “I shouldn’t be angry at this person.”
However, instead of immediately evaluating the emotion, it’s more beneficial to explore it first. Ask yourself: “What exactly am I feeling angry about? Is it the way they spoke to me? The place they spoke to me? The content of what they said? Or was I already upset, and this was just the tipping point?” While evaluation has its place, exploration must precede it.
Quite often, what we label as “anger” might not be anger at all. It could be something else entirely, perhaps fear. For example, “If someone so important to me is misunderstanding me like this, what does that mean? Am I not communicating properly, or am I perceived this way by everyone?” So, what we categorize as negative, unhealthy, or even immoral emotions are often just quick-fix labels we’re putting on a situation. We need to go deeper to uncover the actual underlying issue, which might be entirely different. In that sense, we don’t have to perpetuate that initial emotion.
Denying an emotion doesn’t eliminate it. It’s also possible that some emotions are just fleeting—they come, stay for a short while, and then pass, being purely circumstantial. We don’t necessarily need to dwell on those. That’s why I emphasized focusing on the strongest emotions we experience. If an emotion is strong enough to still be remembered 24 hours later, it’s likely not something we can completely neglect.
Through exploration, we might discover that the actual emotion differs from the label we initially assigned. Even if the initial label turns out to be correct, understanding its root cause allows us to deal with it more appropriately, rather than simply feeling guilty for having the emotion. Otherwise, we can get caught in a cycle of emotions: “I’m feeling angry, and now I’m feeling guilty about feeling angry, and now I feel hopeless because I’m guilty about being angry.” This traps us.
Instead, when you feel angry, rather than immediately feeling guilty, pause and ask: “Okay, I’m feeling angry. What specifically about this situation is making me angry?” Understand it, address the underlying cause, and you’ll be much better equipped to deal with the emotion.