I can’t speak anything about God at my mother’s funeral – should I just remain silent?
My mother passed away recently, and as the elder sister, I am expected to speak at her funeral. However, my remaining family—especially in the context of Western society—generally disapproves of any mention of God during funerals. I would like to offer a beautiful prayer for her, but now I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t speak at all. What can I do in such a situation?
Answer:This is indeed a delicate and challenging situation—especially for a devotee who wishes to glorify the Lord at every opportunity. On a personal level, losing a mother is deeply emotional, both from a family perspective and from a devotional perspective, given the special relationship we have with the Lord.
My understanding is that adopting a service attitude—asking, “Krishna, how can I best serve in this situation?”—often helps us find light and clarity when the path ahead seems dark and uncertain.
Choosing not to speak is one way to avoid offending others, but silence might also be misunderstood as disrespectful or uncaring. People might think, “Because you joined this religious group, which they may see as a cult, you don’t even care enough to speak at your own mother’s funeral.” On the other hand, speaking openly about your beliefs might feel like imposing your views on others.
From a service attitude, a devotee seeks to uplift others’ consciousness by serving their needs. Devotional service has three broad spheres:
- Namaruci — glorifying the Lord,
- Jiva-daya — serving the devotees, and
- Jiva-daya — helping those who are hurting.
While ideally we want to connect everyone with Krishna, that may not be the best approach for every person at every moment. If someone has a negative conception of Krishna, sometimes simply comforting them and pacifying their hurt hearts—without explicitly mentioning Krishna—is a valuable service.
For example, Srila Prabhupada once dealt with an elderly neighbor who frequently complained about the devotees, describing them as noisy hippies. Instead of arguing or preaching, Prabhupada simply spoke kindly to her about everyday matters—her children, her health—without mentioning Krishna even once. Later, the neighbor softened her attitude and even asked the devotees to keep the noise down at night so she could sleep better. Prabhupada won her goodwill without mentioning Krishna directly.
This story illustrates that connecting at a human level, with genuine kindness and empathy, is not mundane or worldly in the negative sense—it’s a real service and an expression of spiritual understanding.
In your situation, connecting with your surviving family members as a human being—sharing your feelings, memories, and gratitude for your mother—can itself be a healing and appreciated service. Speak about what your mother meant to you, the values she taught you, and the lessons you learned from her.
As devotees, we understand that the ultimate shelter and source of love is Krishna, but Krishna’s love often expresses itself through people in our lives, especially our mothers. Rather than dismissing your mother’s love as merely mundane or irrelevant to spirituality, you can honor how Krishna’s love was revealed through her care for you.
You don’t need to say explicitly that “my mother helped me come to Krishna” if that would be unwelcome in your family or social circle. Instead, speak about the values she embodied, the kindness she showed, or the strength she gave you.
Giriraj Maharaj, in one of his books, shares how he bonded with his mother during her final days. They watched devotional and value-based movies together, which helped them reconnect. Maharaj explained that his purpose was simply to connect with his mother, and he did whatever was needed for that.
Similarly, with a service attitude, you can appreciate your mother’s role in your life and express gratitude—something every devotee cultivates for everyone who has helped us.
Uplifting memories about the departed help others heal, gently moving them from the modes of passion and ignorance toward goodness.
If mentioning God is not acceptable, you might still use the word “spirit”, which is often accepted even in secular settings. For instance, when an Australian cricketer tragically died, the team captain spoke of how “his spirit lives on” and “we feel his spirit when we enter the field.” Nobody objected because it was a comforting, respectful way to speak about life beyond death.
You can say something like:
“Her spirit lives on, and we hope it continues to bless us all. We offer her our best wishes on her journey, wherever she is now.”
This way, you bring in a subtle, philosophical note that can be healing without offending sensitivities.
In summary:
Approach this with a spirit of service—think about how you can best comfort and heal your family in their grief. Connect with them on a human level. Share your gratitude for your mother and the positive impact she had on your life. Use language that they will appreciate, which honors both your feelings and their comfort.
This can be a meaningful way to honor your mother’s memory while respecting the feelings of your family and your community.