Is hearing devotees speak in confidence about their grievances with devotee-leaders a Vaishnava-apradha?

Podcast:

Question:
If some devotees are disturbed because of the way they have been treated by certain leaders, and they open their hearts about it, should that be considered offensive? Are those devotees committing offenses if some leaders behave objectionably or if some practices become fanatical? And if we listen to such devotees, are we then committing offenses?

Answer:
The word offense is often used very liberally, which can create a restrictive and illiberal atmosphere within our movement. To understand this properly, we must start with a fundamental principle: Krishna loves His devotees and is protective of them.

Just as Narasimha appeared to protect Prahlad from Hiranyakashipu’s threats, Krishna protects not only the lives of His devotees but also their good names and reputations. When someone maligns devotees, that is considered blasphemy, and Krishna becomes angry—this is where the concept of offense truly applies.

But what exactly is an offense? Is noticing a fault in a devotee automatically an offense? If so, everyone would have to suppress their feelings and never speak honestly throughout their lives. Such a culture would prevent people from feeling heard, valued, or accepted.

We cannot absolutize one principle at the expense of others. Yes, vaishnavaninda (criticizing devotees) is to be avoided, but sharing one’s heart and confidences is also an essential expression of love—just like offering gifts or prasadam.

Here, guhyam (confidentiality) is important. You might ask, if someone lives with integrity and moral-spiritual principles, why would they need confidentiality? Why not speak everything candidly? First, it is very difficult for anyone to act perfectly all the time. Even if we assume someone is impeccable, not everyone will understand or appreciate that. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and conflicts are inevitable.

Expressing how someone’s actions have hurt us is a basic human need—just as physical pain needs expression. If someone is physically injured and in pain, they will cry out. Trying to suppress or hide pain only worsens it. The same is true for emotional pain.

Of course, extremes are possible: some may overdo self-pity and seek excessive attention. But on the other hand, suppressing emotional pain out of a desire to appear spiritually advanced or out of respect for devotees only worsens emotional health. Eventually, the hurt person may need professional psychological help.

Therefore, the need to share and to be heard in confidence is essential because the material world inevitably brings some distress from others, even in a devoted community. We live in a finite and fallible world; misunderstandings and hurt feelings happen.

What can we do? We find trustworthy people with whom we can share in confidence. If someone immediately labels us as offenders or tells us we are being offensive, they are likely not the right people to share with. It may not be the right time or person to educate them about what offense truly is.

Broadly speaking, an offense occurs when a person’s primary intent is to destroy or assassinate the character of a devotee out of envy. But if someone is hurt or afflicted by another’s behavior, whether intentional or unintentional, expressing that hurt is definitely not vaishnavaninda.

We all need safe spaces. The world today has become politicized, but beyond politics, the principle remains: we need places to express ourselves confidentially and find empathy.

To summarize:

• Concern for vaishnavaninda is good.
• Paranoia about vaishnavaninda and using the label “offense” to silence hurt devotees is unhealthy and toxic.
• The pendulum swings between two extremes: absolute avoidance of any offense vs. excessive tolerance of criticism.
• Life inevitably hurts us all at times. Just as physical wounds require treatment and expression of pain, so do emotional wounds.
• A devotee community should provide confidential support to help heal those wounds.
• Confidentiality means privacy, not secrecy. Not everyone is the right person to share with.
• We should address hurtful behaviors and practices appropriately without becoming fixated on them, recognizing some suffering may come from our own karma and worldly conditions.
• Ultimately, we protect ourselves and others by making changes where possible and supporting each other emotionally.

Thank you.