Can we live without expectation in relationships?
So what do we do about excessive expectations? sometimes we understand also that expectations are excessive but still we can't just turn them off so how can we live without expectations? no we can't live without expectations the point is that we all need like-minded association and one of the principles of bhakti that Bhakti Prasad Vatsyendu talks about is sa jatiya asha snigdha sangha not just sangha not just association but snigdha affectionate association and not just affectionate but sa jatiya asha so jatiya asha means those who have the same category of desires that we have so there are some some people some devotees any relationship with some people just click you meet just once or twice and you feel there's a clicking there's a there's a meeting of minds and if we find a relationship that works you know we have to put in the effort that is to make to sustain that relationship so there are various kinds of relationships we will have sometimes we may have functional relationship with some people now we have a family we have a job we have a social circle within which we'll have functional relationships if within that functional relationships we can find a like-minded relationship that's wonderful but if we don't then the human heart's need for reciprocation is it cannot be thwarted so wherever we find even if we have one or two relationship with like-minded people but that can help us whether many of the storms are further so if in some relationship we feel that we are having too much expectations then that means that we need like-minded association so there are we cannot have the same level of intimacy in all relationships it's unrealistic to expect that and it's also it is also not right just because we don't have level of intimacy we reject relationships it's not wrong that we may have different levels of intimacy with different people in relationships so if we find that there's a some frustration of expectation we can't suppress our need for reciprocation but we redirect it elsewhere and find out some relationship where we can get it sustained and overall you know relationships how do they work say I am one person like one circle and somebody else is another circle so there is some place where there's overlap my interest and that person's interest and that overlap becomes the central point of the relationship but along with that if that overlap is strong then whatever difference is there that can also add spice to the relationship so we may need to make some effort to discover where is the overlap so by observing each other discussing talking and maybe consulting others who know each other there's psychologist Abraham Maslow he talked about four sectors of the human personality he said there are some things about us which we know and others know there are some things which we know but others don't know sometimes which we don't know but others know sometimes which neither we know nor others know so sometimes we may feel this person you know is such a such a lousy clumsy insensitive person we may feel like that and yet say some other people they admire this person they like this person you know what do they find in this person we may feel like that then maybe those who appreciate that person we can talk with them and then we find out there is something which I had missed out so one problem that comes with respect to in relationships is what psychologists call as the attribution error attribution error means that we observe certain behavior and then we ascribe certain intention to that behavior the attribute this behavior is caused by this intention as of and in general if we like someone we attribute positive intention and if you don't like someone we attribute negative intention so for example if we see someone eating a lot if we don't like that person this person is a glutton no and if we see someone eating and we like that person she must have been humming so quite often there is some dislike that may happen in a relationship and then after that dislike happens then there is this attribution error which gives us more and more reasons for disliking although there might be some genuine grievances and after that there is a whole buildup of imaginary charges against that person so that's why I'm looking at interacting with those who like that person that person can help us to clarify the situation and to understand the better side of the person and one more problem that comes in relationships is that people talk about each other instead of talking with each other A has a problem with B but instead of going to B and clarifying clarifying in a respectful sensitive clear way A talks with C and A talks with D and then C and D go and talk with B and then B comes over A saying this about B and then B becomes negative about it and he says B is always negative about it and A becomes negative about it and the whole relationship gets initiated so better to talk with each other instead of talking about each other talk with each other not that we shout at each other but rather in a civilized sensitive way we discuss things out then we can gossip is a rumor of relationships and essentially gossip which can be called Prajanapa in Sanskrit gossip essentially means to talk about a situation with someone who is neither a part of the problem not a part of the solution so yes sometimes we may have to talk with the third person to try to get some insight and some guidance but then if the person is not a part of the solution not a part of the problem then we simply worsen the situation so again we are finding like-minded association where we get some satisfaction in our relationship by avoiding by finding what is alike amongst us when even when there are some there are some glaring differences by consulting those who appreciate that person to find out the positive side of that person and by direct communicating and by avoiding backbiting we can actually find points where we can base that and improve the relationship thank you.