Developing deeper relationships – CARE acronym
Will have surely sure thank you so I mean speaking on the topic of loneliness in four broad parts I'll use an acronym care c-a-r-e to explain this do we have project so basically there are two kinds of loneliness one is when we are physically alone and the second is when we are emotionally alone now physically alone can sometimes even be an advantage sometimes you want solitude I want to I want to think I want to be with myself so there is a difference between being alone and being lonely lonely is more emotional state than a physical state and emotional loneliness comes when we don't connect at the level of emotions with others so it can also happen when we are all alone but it can happen even more when we are surrounded by people but those people don't understand us when we feel completely un-understood at that time is a very deep feeling of loneliness that can come so in fact I was in UK and UK government has actually appointed a minister for loneliness that a minister for loneliness is when people feel lonely how do we deal with that it's a huge problem all the more so because the traditional social structures that people have are falling apart so traditional social structures means a little joint families or at least nuclear families now the nuclear families also broken apart and we all have just neutrons and protons orbiting around it's very unfortunate so you can just scan that page take a scan photo of that page if possible so I talk about this in four parts C is courage so the courage to trust what does that mean courage to trust that actually forming any relationship involves a matter of risk and there can be two extremes one is that one is naive naive and everybody think that everybody is a good person everybody is trustworthy and if somebody is naive they they will be brought down smashed down to the earth people will be betrayed and betrayal can in various ways it can scar people lifelong so if you could if you draw a spectrum like that we'll hopefully have this illustration here that one extreme could be naivety where we think that everybody is wonderful and nothing works out and the other extreme is cynicism cynicism is where we think everyone is terrible and nobody is trustworthy and even if somebody tries to somebody is nice to us we are always thinking somebody speaks nicely with us what does this person want from me so even to people's good actions we ascribed we ascribed the darkest motivations so there's a existentialist philosopher who was a atheist he was asked do you believe in do you believe in hell now most the question of thought obviously not how many believe in hell if he doesn't believe in God how many believe in hell he says of course I believe in hell he says what is hell? hell means other people that was his idea that people are so terrible that people are hell this is a very very dangerous view dangerous for oneself is dangerous for others now if you consider a spectrum one extreme is naivety the other extreme is what is it cynicism now in between is courage courage means what in this context that we all understand that there are snakes inside every one of us snakes means selfish desires horrible urges so it's there within every one of us but there are snakes inside me there are snakes inside you there are snakes inside every one of us now we can't see each other's thoughts and that's a great blessing if you are able to see everybody's each thought desire we would not be able to have a single relationship ever because at the level of the mind you think like this about me you have this kind of desire you are like that it would be horrible it would be unbearable so therefore in between we all have been given by nature a buffer certain terrible desires may come up within us but we can prevent those desires from being expressed as actions so in that sense there is the buffer which helps us to protect ourselves to guard ourselves so knowing that others have snakes inside them I have snakes inside me but despite that there is also good inside and I am ready so actually forming any relationship is an act of courage it can be act of naivety and we can approach it with cynicism but both these extremes naivety will lead us to being hurt by people who betray us cynicism will lead us to being hurt by being by being completely lonely completely heartless and most of us we oscillate between these two we are naive and people take us for a ride and then we just go to the other extreme then we close the doors of our heart and you just stay completely isolated can you show me that sheet I'll just show it you're projecting it so it requires courage so in a sense loneliness it's a choice that results we may not even think I'm choosing to be lonely but loneliness results when we because of bad experiences of naivety go towards cynicism and when you go towards cynicism often we think that I will go through life all alone I don't need anyone and we might make a virtue out of our cynicism people are not as trustworthy I can be alone I don't care for it but it's it's something which deprives us so just as naivety can hurt us cynicism can also hurt us so loneliness now everybody can have gone through different situations some people may be born to unloving parents some people might have had bullies in their schools or some people might have had very bad life partners or whatever so we all can withdraw into a shell because of that and when we withdraw into a shell and that only increases our loneliness now there is reason no doubt each of us may have a reason by which I don't want to connect with anyone because people will betray me people will hurt me but not connecting will also hurt us because just as just as connecting with people opening ourselves can hurt us loneliness can also hurt us so first of all to come out of loneliness we need to have the courage to trust and we need to see itself as an act of courage now every relationship that we form it's it requires courage to form that if that courage is not there actually it's very easy not easy in an emotional sense but easy in an egoistic sense to go it alone yeah I don't care for loneliness but that leaves us so I was said what was the acronym I was going to talk about care the C is the courage to trust so any questions or comments about this till now anything that struck you either any point you've till now felt you would like to carry home is some reflection cynicism yeah yes thank you yeah that's a good question yeah if a naive person has repeatedly been been hurt and how do the naive person develop courage yeah that's why I said courage is something which is different from foolhardiness say if we have had some sickness and we took some medicine and went to some doctor and that medicine backfired and made things worse then we have to use our intentions we need to evaluate is this worthwhile generally trusting has two aspects to it it has to be sensible and verifiable that means if somebody has a long track record of having betrayed others and then I choose to trust them then obviously I am being foolish but whatever I can ascertain about other person they seem to be good people then it has to be step by step it's like say if there's a stranger at our house we won't open the door immediately maybe we will look out we ask some questions and then gradually open the chain and talk with them a little bit and then we might invite them in our house so it's incremental so okay when when we find that we were let down we were betrayed so what can I learn from it okay that maybe I rush too fast into things let me go slow so naivety is it's it's it's something similar if we can consider relationships to be like an emotional investment and we have emotions so just as if we have money now if we invest in some from harebrained scheme and we lose money what do we do if you say we learn okay you know let me try to that life doesn't come ever with a guarantee that our decisions will be right but we all by experience learn at least some things about how we can make reasonable decisions the same way this is the idea I'll come to this point again of emotions as the investment our emotions are like the capital that we have invested in a relationship now where do I invest it there is something I have to be careful about it so we learn this is really careful investing money we can be careful investing emotions but just as we need to invest if you want the money to grow similarly we need to whatever emotions we had so only when we invest in the reciprocation then the emotions deepen and grow yes correct yeah how we try it can be we can try more cautiously definitely we should be cautious and it's if some relationship has gone sore it's best not to immediately rush into another relationship because that time we might be rushing into the next relationship more for relief from the wound of the previous relationship rather than considering the healthiness of this relationship in itself so maybe we need some time to say if it's a again if you take an example of walking see if I walk and oh there's the flower slippery and I had a bad fall now next time when I walk in the same area I'll be cautious but if I say I'm so afraid I won't walk it's not good I won't be able to move on me but again I walk recklessly then also I'm going to be hurt so definitely caution is required and one way of being cautious is going slow yes please okay I said it in trust for it should be sensible and verifiable for it to be reasonable verified that means okay it makes sense okay this person seems to be whatever I learned about them it seems to be a good person and but now this is if I hear that person is very warm and caring and then when I talk with them they're very harsh there's something wrong over here so it's not verifiable so we hear something about someone and then in our interaction they're similar so it's sensible and verifiable so things match up so if you don't check at all they're not being sensible but what we hear we check it out and then we experience it ourselves then that's very good it's basically again like medication we first of all we won't go to a say a cobbler on the street to ask her no I am sick what medicine should I take we'll go to a person who has a reasonably good track record as a doctor that's sensible and then if they say take this medication and in three days you'll feel better does do I feel better if I don't then maybe I have to check what is happening so sensible and verifiable so so now basically when we have to put this courage on others and that so the A which I want to talk about is acceptance now acceptance means that we have to accept our mistakes and we have to accept ourselves with our mistakes there are again with respect to see whenever a relationship is not working out the other person may have an issue but we may also have an issue so with respect to ourselves is zoom it out or you can just it won't zoom out so acceptance means the one is like some people they have certain issues but you don't accept it like I was at a at a place where one of the persons was in a I was a travel across the one of the person was a leader over there everybody was telling that this person is very short-tempered very angry and the anger issues they need to manage their anger now when I talk with that person he said that I don't have any anger issues people just need to stop making me angry so what is happening they are not accepting that I have some difficult I have some limitations so I have something which I need to work on so it it this courage to trust I'm taking this point forward acceptance means I have to accept my mistakes maybe I was too naive over there maybe I am too judgemental maybe I am too domineering whatever it is so we have to accept ourselves accept our mistakes so if we live if we are too proud we are too arrogant then we think always the fault is with other person like some people say I could agree with you but then both of us would be wrong so there is such arrogance over there I could agree with you but then both of us will be wrong that means I already judged and decided you are wrong so why should I agree with you so is this are you opening it okay so then but the other extreme could be one is arrogance but I said accept our mistakes but you also need to accept ourselves with our mistakes some people when you told tell them that this is a problem this is a problem I am worthless I am useless I am hopeless then they start beating themselves up now anytime a relationship doesn't go wrong at least somewhere within us we get a doubt maybe something is wrong with me something is seriously wrong with me now it's it's distressing to feel unloved but it's devastating to feel unloveable that there is something so intrinsically wrong with me that nobody ever will know so we need to accept ourselves with our mistakes yes I have my mistakes I have my limitations I have my deficiencies but self-acceptance is essential and if if we don't accept ourselves how can we expect others to accept us so okay I have I have issues and I'm working on my issues but each one of us has intrinsic self-worth intrinsic self-worth means irrespective of whatever actions we may have done we have self-worth which is just by the by virtue of our being conscious beings spiritual wisdom traditions tell us that we are all parts of the and just by being parts of divine just by being that way sparks of the divine we have intrinsic self-worth I was in Australia and I was giving a seminar on parenting so at that time I was talking about what is healthy self-esteem so I was telling that if parents appreciate their children for their achievements and parents appreciate the children for their commitment say a child for exam every day they study diligently one one hour two hours every day that is commitment now if if the parents appreciate the children for what they achieve oh you came first in your class oh you got this much CGP then what happens the parents children start thinking that I need to earn my parents love and I will get that love when I do this and if I don't do this then I'm not worth being loved but only if we have this understanding if somebody is appreciated for their efforts and their efforts are in their hands so then what happens yes you are an individual and you are making your efforts and I appreciate you for that so the appreciation for efforts creates intrinsic self-worth appreciation for results leads to an extrinsic self-worth okay when I get this then I am worthy so for many people in adulthood it is their net worth becomes their self-worth if I'm earning this much oh then I am respected if I'm earning only this much so basically we have to accept ourselves and now how do we accept ourselves this is where spiritual wisdom plays a big role it explains that we are all the bhagavad-gita tells us we are all parts of the divine and God loves us as we are of course he wants us to become better but however we are and he values us that's by his grace that we exist so we have intrinsic self-worth yes we have issues to work on so both extremes denying our mistakes as well as burying our bearing ourselves because of our mistakes I am so many mistakes so many deficiencies I am useless so acceptance accept our mistakes and accept ourselves with our mistakes when we do that then we have a healthy foundation on which to build relationships if there is no acceptance of our mistakes or there is no acceptance of ourselves then is it the ground itself is shaking quakes can occur and whatever you build on that shaky ground it can fall at any moment so spiritual knowledge spiritual understanding spiritual growth can help us develop self-acceptance and by that acceptance we will be able to move forward so there is there are defects within us which may alienate people from us which may aggravate existing issues in our relationships but the basic acceptance is that beyond whatever mistakes I may have there is whole self-worth to me that sometimes if only I had been like this person then I could have found in this person so much loved by everyone if only I had been like this person then I could have found so many relationships but no if God had wanted us to be someone else he would have made someone else he has made you you and he has made me me so of course we want to become you can become a better you and I can become a better me but we don't have to reject ourselves so that is acceptance so let's look at this is this visible to all of you behind okay so basically I'll just explain what I'm where we are and then you can discuss so basically I'm talking about four aspects in the relationships two with respect to others that's in between one with respect to ourselves and then one with respect to the divine with respect to Krishna so C A R E so C is the courage to trust A is the acceptance and I come to R and then E so now I'm talking about A we need unless we have accepted ourselves and we have accepted our mistakes we don't have the healthy foundation so whenever that's why earlier and I said that if we had a bad experience in relationship we needn't rush into another relationship why because that's the time to do some homework you know I need to have I need to learn okay what did I do wrong what do I tend to do wrong and I also need to have it okay despite these wrong things there is core self-worth to me when we have these two then we can move forward in a healthier way to exploring something else to explore to move forward in our existing relationships again or new relationship whatever it is so loneliness is caused not just because we can't get along with people it's even worse if we can't get along with ourselves self-loathing is a big problem for many people I just now I just dislike myself well yeah there are things about each one of us which are not likeable but we are our only resource if we dislike ourselves who do we have them if say I have a car which is very old and doesn't work very well but if that is the only car I have I have to make do with that car maybe I can fix that car but right now if my car goes very slowly makes a lot of noise guzzles a lot of fuel and then I get angry and I take a iron bar and smash that car and I'll be left with nothing so we are our only resource and accepting ourselves is the foundation on which we can accept relationship with others so any comments or questions about this yeah arrogance arrogance yeah yeah except it's a I said but accepting ourselves with our miss accepting our mistakes and accepting ourselves with our mistakes so the one is not one extreme is not accepting ourselves the other extreme is not accepting our mistakes at all that's what I said in the beginning thank you oh of course does the mind play any role in accepting our shortfalls yes our mind actually is a major factor in us having certain limitations shortcomings the mind is where our emotions our impulses our passions our desires are stored and from there they pop up so for us it's important that when we say self-acceptance what it means is that this is like an example of a car so for the soul we are souls and for the soul we are spiritual beings for the soul the body and mind are like a machine they are like a vehicle so say if we go on to a new place and then we have hired a car over there and we wanted a particular car but you got a different car they didn't have that car so when we start driving first we test it out okay where is this gear how does this car work where is this button and how fast does it pick up how does it turn around so before we can drive a car we need to learn about the car how does this car work what does it do what does it not do what does it do well what does it do poor so like that same way we need to learn about ourselves okay what what do I do well what what does my mind get very easily what does my mind not get at all so that kind of learning about ourselves is very important and self-acceptance means that okay I have this kind of mind and this has its limitations but I as a soul am separate from that so to deny that we have a mind with its various issues that is one extreme and to deny that we are we have some core strength and goodness independent of our minds lower nature that is the other extreme so we want a balance between the two so accepting ourselves enables us to accepting ourselves and accepting our mistakes that creates a foundation by which we can move on okay that's a good question how after we accept ourselves how do we learn that that doesn't happen again so basically we could say self-realisation or living you could say self-realisation is living with ourselves has two aspects there is self-discovery and there is self-discipline so you could say that we need to look at ourselves like someone whom we want to know so what do you mean I want to know I know myself no we don't know ourselves how many times it happens that we speak something why did I see that I didn't want to say that so some people speak to express their thoughts and some people speak to discover their thoughts I didn't mean to say that slip of tongue so we often see and do things which we didn't intend to do so we are complicated beings and if if you are working with a new colleague or a new boss you observe them to try to understand how does this person work what is the nature of this person so like that try to observe yourself and there are some aspects of us which you just need to understand okay this is how this person is so that self-discovery and there are some aspects which you need to change that is self-discipline so if we go too much towards either in self-acceptance self-discovery means okay this is how I am except myself but accepting ourselves doesn't mean this is how I am this is how I will stay on there is some aspect where we discipline ourselves so generally to change ourselves it is best to start with one or two or three things I remember I was giving a talk on new year resolutions and then there was some youth were talking so there one one boy came and said I have made 65 new year resolutions I said that is not a resolution that is a wish list you cannot work on 65 things just make it one two three at one time to work more than to work on more than three things is almost impossible you could decide that okay there are these six things I need to attend things I need to work on but maybe I will decide for this one month I will work on this next month I will work on this next month I can work on that so we need to have some sense of manageability there are so many things which we can improve on but if you just focus on trying to improve it all we will get overwhelmed I will not do it at all so reduce it down to simple okay one two these are the things I will work on so now we talked about we are doing in a circle over here we start with others I need to have the courage to trust but then in forming a relationship I need to accept myself then we move up again towards others and others here what I talk about is a reference frame we are going through the acronym care so reference frame means what that every one of us has our own frame of reference of how we look at things and based on that we perceive the world so I will give some functional examples first then I will give relational examples after that say right now when you are sitting say if the light goes off say if that particular light is there that goes off fan went off okay so in our example the fan goes off then so then we could say oh did somebody accidentally turn off that switch where is the switch maybe somebody leaned on it or somebody touched their hand so you could one frame of reference is that okay this went off because somebody press the switch but then you say that okay there is nobody near the switch and you could say oh has that fan got spoilt or you could say that I have all the fans turned off has the power itself in this area been disconnected has a or you might call a neighbour and say was it in my house or is it everywhere power is gone or you could say that is it that there is a terrorist attack America and the power plants have been destroyed and all of America is now powerless or it could be that a solar flare has come from the Sun to the earth and if a solar flare enters into the earth's atmosphere scientists have said that all electrical and electronic items on the earth will stop working there is a very remote possibility of that but in 2016 a solar flare came very close to Canada and for a few minutes all devices stop working now you could say this is absurd it is possible so the point I am making here is that when the simple event the fan going off you could just okay has somebody has pressed the switch or has a solar flare entered into the atmosphere of the earth we could place it in different frames of reference now which is right which is wrong it is not a measure of so much as right and wrong it is more of which is effective which is constructive now it all of these explanations could work I could say that we somebody switch off the power that is also possible and the solar flare that is also possible so we normally learn to put things in the right frame of reference sometimes I am giving a class and the audience looks as if they are watching a foreign language movie without subtitles now when that starts happening now I could put it in different frame of reference maybe I could say that maybe the audience is very new and I need to speak much more simply or I could put it I am such a useless speaker that nobody that nobody cares for what I speak or I could say that I have come here to speak the spiritual stuff nobody is interested in the spiritual stuff the spiritual stuff is useless so you see the same incident I have put it in three different frames of reference one is the audience centric oh the audience must be very new the other could be the speaker centric oh as a speaker I am useless the third is subject centric oh the subject is difficult for people to understand so what happens is every incident every action every interaction we can put it in different frames of reference and all of us based on our experiences we put things in a particular frame of reference but others may not put in that frame of reference most often when misunderstandings happen when we see that okay I am feeling alone they are not emotionally connecting with each other what is happening is two people are coming there with two different frames of reference say now I have seen this happens so many times in relationships that say say a husband and the wife are supposed to go out somewhere and the wife is waiting to get ready to go and the husband doesn't come on time and then when that happens I just okay he's late by 15 minutes half an hour or whatever and then actually I was caught in work and it was very urgent thing I couldn't come now you never care for me the husband actually because I care for you that's why I'm working so hard do you think I enjoy working overtime in office no you do it because you get you get prestige and you get fame and you get position and you always neglect me husband says that no matter how much I do you always keep company then the both of them start having like a world war three what happened it's just from the beginning it was a different scheme frame of reference so the husband is thinking I have got this job and I had this deadline and my boss told me that I have to do this see this is how I am showing my responsibility I could just neglect this but then that will affect my career that may affect my job security I have to do this the wife feels if you don't come here that means you don't you don't value you don't value the world that you give to me so what is happening is that both of them may be caring for each other but their frames of reference are so different that their care doesn't come through say a father might get for his son a most expensive say baseball bat baseball equipments I love you so much I spent so much money and got this best bat and best ball and now the son may just want daddy please play with me father may have a lot of love in the heart for the child and because of the love only that the father is getting expensive toys but what happens the child may not may not want an expensive bat the child just wants to play with me so for the father the love is being expressed by getting expensive things for the child the love is felt by by how much time my father is playing with me so what happens both of them are coming from two different frames of reference and both of them are frame of reference is almost like our language or our currency imagine two people are talking with each other but they are talking in two different languages nobody understands the other person so we sometimes say they are talking past each other what does that mean they are just not addressing each other's issues so all of us have certain currencies in which we trade it's another example I'm getting for frame of reference say I come from India and say I buy something from you and it's a it's an expensive item which you have given me and then I pay you in Indian in INR Indian currency rupees if you have never seen INR and there's a no use to you and I give you a good amount for that you've taken this product you have given me nothing in return I have given you so much how much are you going to demand you have been so exploitative so what is happening is the two people are trading in different currencies and if the trade is in different currencies and there is no conversion then the trade falls apart so similarly if we find that we are we that we are feeling alienated in a particular relationship where we want to work on that relationship but somehow we are feeling alienated then that could be not because other person is bad or we are bad can you stop it so so why why is it so if the two people are trading in different currencies then nothing works then both people might be investing a lot but people don't feel connected so we have to understand what frame of reference is this person coming from have you felt sometimes when you interact with someone why do you why does this person think like this why do you think like this has any of you felt like that we all have felt it I never meant that why do you think like that but that's because they are coming from that frame of reference and all of us can adjust the frame of reference but we need to begin just like currency conversion is possible but at least we understand okay this person not cheating me that I have given them so much and they are giving nothing in return they are giving it but in a different currency so how do we understand what is the other person's currency see for forming any relationship with anyone understanding their frame of reference or understanding their currency which currency are they trading in that is extremely important and how do we understand that broadly there are two ways one is that what is it that if we do they appreciate it very much they tell everyone oh you know this person did this for me they're so grateful they're so happy oh you did this for me what is it if we do they appreciate it very much and the opposite side what is it if we don't do they can't stop complaining about it how could you not do this how could you forget this how could you do that so I was in Washington DC I was giving a seminar on sensitive speech and after that one Indian gentleman asked a question sometimes when people ask question itself it's polarising question so is it that women have a very long memory he said that something which I did in 1975 my wife is still complaining about it so I told him that no can't they forget it first I said I have forgotten the answer to this so I said actually speaking if somebody is remembering that that just means that that's so important for them rather than saying it's a small thing why are you dragging it up now if they are dragging it up that means it's not a small thing for them in their currency that was a big withdrawal that was a big loss so sometimes you might tell people keep small things small and it's true we all need to keep small things small I'm one of my friends is a marriage counsellor and he was telling me that sometimes people come for separation and this irreconcilable differences and this is a woman who had come to him irreconcilable difference with my husband so what is the difference he said that no he drove in my car without taking my permission I said okay but is that irreconcilable difference yes she doesn't respect me he doesn't respect my position he doesn't respect my freedom how can I live with such a person is that something to get separated now of course maybe you shouldn't drive with somebody else's car that's true but is that worth getting separated about now if that person is taking it so seriously now either you can say the small thing that they are taking it too big but it could be that the person just wants to feel respected and they repeatedly felt disrespected and they see this as an indicator that you don't respect you don't value me you don't care for my opinion you just ride over me so basically we all need to learn to keep small things small but if somebody is making a small thing big then we have to understand that it is a big thing for them we can't just keep telling the buyer making a small thing bigger we have to understand that in their currency this is a big thing so we might say okay instead of saying it's a small thing and instead of just saying you know okay this person makes a big thing about it and say okay can you explain why this is so important for you see this is a very non-judgemental question we can be we can either be judgemental in saying you make a small thing big or we can just be judgement in other way no you I just like this but one way to understand can you explain to me why this is so important I can see that this has affected you a lot that this matters a lot to you no it wouldn't have mattered to me I want to understand why it matters so much to you then what happens we our frame of reference expand because you start seeing from their perspective so one way to connect with others is to understand their frame of reference and that's why when people become as a emotional extremes they appreciate a lot or they complain a lot instead of taking it so too personally so taking it too personally try to see from their perspective see inside every complaining adult inside every complaining adult is a crying infant inside every complaining adult is a crying infant an infant is crying for attention that infant is crying for understanding that infant is crying for affection so now what happens they say if if there's a mother and a small baby and a mother picks up the baby and the baby kicks the mother the kick hurts but the mother doesn't kick the kick personally maybe the baby is in pain the baby is hungry and the baby doesn't even know what I'm doing baby has no intention to kick the mother maybe just in pain so much so now now if an adult kicks like that that would be outrageous but the fact is that everybody has an infant inside them it's a crying infant so when others speak or do something to us quite often it is not about us although it is targeted to us so if you just keep a little distance don't take others actions so personally okay you are irresponsible you are worthless you are a stone hearted you are this you are that okay no I can say I'm not stone hearted so I remember just a few weeks ago one person with whom I had spent a lot of time give them a lot of attention and care that person told me you have no emotions I first reacted I was so angry I have been trying to be so sensitive you have no emotions but then it just struck me that just the previous evening I had gone for a programme and I had spent some time talking with some person and that person told me after that I have never felt so understood in my life you just understood everything and you guide me so well so then that thought came in my mind wait a minute it could be that I'm insensitive and of course I can learn sensitivity more also but that person didn't feel like this that person felt the opposite this person is feeling like this so then I thought maybe rather than taking it so personally maybe this person has some emotional needs that I have not fulfilled now whether I can fulfil that whether it is my responsibility to fulfil that or maybe it is somebody else told them to fulfil that that is all later questions but just that thought that rather than taking it personally you have no emotions I just okay is what this person has emotional needs that I am not able to fulfil so that frame of reference when I was able to put it in that okay I just took it a little more calmly and then I connected them with another friend and that friend they are just so grateful I said I can't address this issue when this person's friend is exposed you can talk with them they talk with that person they are so happy after that so basically what happens is inside every complaining adult is a crying infant so if we are just addressing the complaining adult and the complaints of the adult this like this not like this it's like this it's like this there is no end to it because the issue is not being addressed at all so we have to try to understand their frame of reference and if we spend some time invest time and try to understand the person understand the frame of reference one way to understand it is that if somebody we feel is making a big you and cry about something and we feel it is a very small thing why are you making it so big then we could turn that question around and ask would I ever do something like this I would never do something like this for such a small thing I would never do something okay not such a small thing is there anything in life that would make me behave like this now if we look back at ourselves we all can find times when we felt embarrassed mortified about how we behave so we can look at that situation if if somebody had done like this I would have been mad at that person so then the way I feel would feel about that situation this person is feeling about the situation see the emotions there is we can't start with right and wrong emotions we have to recognise emotions are what they are and afterwards they can be processed but when the emotions come we have to just understand this is a very sensitive matter for this person in their frame of reference this is this is high up in their currency this counts a lot now whether it should count that much or not that is a secondary question but right now it counts so much so if you at least begin with that understanding so when people people often people do not want solution to their problems and when then they also understand this this issue has no solution but what they want is understanding and at least you understand how serious a matter is this so if we can at least say like I said earlier that after I understand this is very this is this matters a lot can you explain to me why it matters you see how can you not understand this I'm trying to understand this can you please explain just be patient don't take their attacks personally and then you start understanding frame of reference their currency and even if they just become understood they feel understood a lot of the emotional heat starts going down they don't need a solution of course solutions may be needed but first what people need is understanding so there are two simple ways in which each one of us can improve any relationship that we are working that is listening and appreciating listening means just listen to what other persons and appreciating doesn't mean oh you're such a nice person appreciating means appreciating their thoughts appreciating their emotion not that they are good but appreciation is as I value this okay this is how I understand it we don't have to necessarily change anything about ourselves sometimes we can't change those things about ourselves sometimes they are about someone other than us we can't change that but if we just do these two things listen and appreciate we'll find that we will start understanding their language we start understanding their currency we start understanding their frame of reference and then the connections will become much deeper so this was the third point about a frame of reference any questions or comments about this any reflections okay yeah good question so we might listen and we might appreciate but still the other person may not want to move forward if we want to give a solution but they are still stuck with that itself so how can we say that listen how can we make the other person feel listen heard and appreciated one way is to just rephrase briefly what they have said so you felt disappointed because I didn't come on time on that day you felt angry because I forgot to get this so this is a simple example but then if I say you felt angry no I didn't feel angry I felt hurt okay so they might just rephrase it so what happens you just briefly rephrase what they have said most often what happens is that when we are speaking when somebody is speaking to us we are hearing not for understanding but for responding okay you said this is wrong I'll correct this fact it's like sometimes our fact check is on this fact is wrong this fact is wrong this fact is wrong but okay the facts are there and they need to be corrected if they're wrong but understand the emotion that's important so rephrasing what they're saying itself is quite helpful rephrasing in our words another thing is that making an open-ended question how would you like me to help you what do you think I can do to help you in this situation so that forces them to think of the solution rather than we giving them a solution that they may not appreciate but we ask them what do you think I can do to help in this so what happens if people are still thinking about the problem and we are giving the solution again it's like the connection is not happening they're still in the problem centre so we have to gradually shift them how do you think how do you think I can help or what do you think you can do to fix this just ask them about that so by asking questions which shift the focus of the solutions then gradually they will then they may themselves come up maybe I should not have done this maybe I should do this or they may tell us can you do this and then we can tell whether we can or we should not we can or we cannot but it's a it's it's not easy there is nothing that we give in life as freely as advice that is one charity with respect to which everyone is extremely charitable super charitable so but that is something which one aspect of learning to speak well is to learn when not to speak so the people have to sometimes we may not have that time if somebody wants to just be heard and we don't have that time just have to figure out where we are in a busy thing and they are just fix it you can tell you know this I can see this is a deep issue can you talk about it later and we will fix this time and then if that's the need to be heard and we allotted that time so then unless people are heard they are still in this in the problem mode only and they not come to the solution mode so what happens if they not come to the solution mode the solution just doesn't make sense to them so they they need to it's when they feel understood okay now what can be done about this how can we show appreciation for them in their currency if you know their currency then that helps a lot then some people this you know providing some small things for them provide them some nice food just I know maybe touch them softly or give them some words of appreciation for what they have done in the past know that that even in that particular issue we may not appreciate what they're doing there doesn't belong and you've gone through a lot and in the past you have weathered so many storms you know you through the situation how you went through it and handled and came out you are a fighter you can deal with the situation you are a survivor you have strength in it so we not we not say that what you are doing is right but you have gone through tough situations and everybody has gone the very fact that we are alive means we are survivors there's so many difficulties we all have faced in our lives so you could appreciate that way yes please I was taught in relationship management course several years ago and it kind of related to what behaviour towards another person is a function of assumptions so even before I know that person I make certain assumptions of that person in my mind that's true so you are speaking about something so I only made assumptions about you yesterday when I saw you for the first time right or wrong and therefore my behaviour towards you is a function of those assumptions now if you do not know and I thought it related to that question that you had if you do not know what you think what I think of you then that keyword or that relationship may not proceed that's true very true now we all make assumptions about others so one exercise yeah so that frame of reference that we were mentioning that that frame of reference I think changes from a home to office to a public place or elsewhere so if I know in each setting what the other person thinks about me and I don't know how but I don't know how you will know that unless there's communication then that loneliness in the centre that can be dealt with yes it's very good point we all make assumptions about each other that's why one major principle in relationships is not talk with each other not just talk about each other oh this person did like this to me this person spoke like that what happens if A and B have some issues now talking might be difficult because both of them have baggage but if A is talking with C and B is talking with D and then what happens is D tells a distorted version of that to C and then C goes and turns back to A oh you know this person said like this about you it just makes things worse so we all have certain assumptions about each other and the psychologists call this as attribution error say if I like someone and I see them eating a lot I say must have been hungry if I don't like someone I see them eating a lot such a glutton so the action is the same but for people's actions we ascribe certain intentions and the intention that we ascribe for that depends on our preconceptions our assumptions so if this that's why a frame of reference means how am I interpreting this person's action or how is this person interpreting my action so I might be interpreting the action this way I'm attributing this action to this but they are attributing this action to that so understanding our assumptions about each other is important and one way to do it is by talking with each other I'll just come back to you yeah so are you saying that in terms of assumptions or it's general comment yeah see we are told we should not be judgemental that's true but it's almost impossible to not be judgemental there's a thin line between making judgments which is essential and being judgemental which is undesirable so making judgments and what is the main difference making judgments is situational being judgemental is personal so situational means say if we have something to be done and that requires something to be done very promptly at a particular time perfect properly it has to be done and you know this person keeps forgetting then we can make a judgement call this person is not the right person for doing this but being judgemental means this person is irresponsible so when we fix permanent labels on people that is being judgemental but if we think of not making judgement calls at all then you will be able to function in life so we do have to make call judgement calls but judgement calls can be based more on situation okay this person may not be the right person for dealing with this issue and yes because this person is but we don't fix we don't basically it's like say this is my opinion about someone now if this opinion is here I can have that opinion about the person and can still see that person okay this person is forgetful but the closer closer comes to me is right around me then I cannot see that person at all I can see only the opinion about that person so we will make some judgement calls situational means that whatever judgement we have made it is held at a distance but when we are judgemental that is held so close to us we see that person only through that filter we don't see them at all apart from the filter so we do need to make judgments but we need to we need to be able to not fix that label permanently on that person and see that person only through that filter that would be judgement oh yes exactly yes we reduce a person to a particular deficiency that they have and that is all that we can think about nothing more than that yes thank you yeah that's true that's true and so what we another way I did is I did a retreat on loving exchanges on relationships in Sydney so I did another exercise similarly since that who are the people with whom you have the most negative interactions make a list of three people like that and write down three good qualities of each one of them and then once you write that down when you interact with that person try to think about that good quality so in the in the Vedas there is an old saying I said let whenever you meet anyone let your first thought about them be positive it's not easy I've tried it and with some people with whom we have not much to do it's easy but for some people with whom we have had many tense interactions to start with that first positive thought it can make a big difference if you can do that exercise if you can just let my first thought about this person be positive this person also spiritual being this person is also part of God this person did this for me in the past whatever it is so that can be very helpful in challenging our preconceptions or at least not letting the preconceptions dominate our interaction with them yes yeah at what point do we step away see we can help the unable but we can't help the unwilling so now how do we differentiate say suppose maybe it doesn't happen so much in America but suppose you are driving a car and the car doesn't start and what happens you call some people please push this car and people are pushing the car from outside and the driver is also trying to move the steering wheel move the gear and together the car starts moving but suppose people are pushing the car from outside and the driver inside has gone to sleep people say why should we push or worse still the driver inside is pressing the brake then pushing this is no use so basically there are some people who are unlikely to change or maybe we are unlikely to have much impact on changing them then we need to keep a distance from them see what happens is different relationships work best at different distances sometimes we want to be very close to that person but that person is not interested in being close to us even physically this happens sometimes in different countries different levels of distance are considered to be like culturally appropriate sometimes it happens that two people are talking and the other one person just keeps moving closer and closer and other person keeps moving backward backward backward so they practically are moving around the whole house so what is happening is that person thinks the same distance is this close but other person will keep this distance will talk so we have to find out what at what distance the relationship works the best sometimes we may want them to be corrected but they don't want to be corrected then we have to protect ourselves by creating some distance that is required yes so let us move on to the last part now so we are this is the acronym CAR so C A R we came back to ourselves and I accepted myself then I try to understand others reference me then the last is E is evolution evolution means ultimately we are meant to evolve in our consciousness by which we develop a relationship with the eternal with God with Krishna the absolute can have different names in different traditions but our most defining relationship is with the divine we have two kinds of relationship the vertical relationship and the horizontal relationship the vertical relationship is with Krishna and the horizontal relationship is with others so our defining relationship our eternal relationship is the vertical relationship the other relationships are important no doubt but they are not necessarily permanent sometimes they may end before this life ends or they may have an end at the end of this life so the relationships that we have horizontally each one of them is important and be very important but the pivot of our emotional life has to be the vertical relationship so to the extent we are sheltered in our vertical relationship with Krishna to that extent we can take the ups and downs in the horizontal relationships more maturely if our whole sense of self-worth and emotional nourishment is coming only from one horizontal relationship and something goes wrong in that it will be like our whole world has come falling down we won't be able to bear it but if we are secure in our relationship with Krishna then whatever ups and downs come we will be able to deal with it maturely so broadly in relationship there has to be three stages of relationships you can say there is dependence, there is independence and there is interdependence. Dependence is unhealthy that means if one particular relationship is the sole defining relationship of my life if somebody thinks that my defining identity is as a mother or as a father and then if my child starts going on the wrong track then I don't just see that the child is on the wrong track I think I am worthless as not just a mother or a father but I am worthless as a human being my life is a failure now of course we want our children to go on the right track but they are also people with their own free will we can't control them so if that relationship becomes our sole defining relationship then we become dependent on that and that is a very insecure position to be in. Now from dependence, now independence we can we can ultimately never be totally independent even our physical existence right now we are breathing in air we don't manufacture that air so we are always dependent but there is in dependence on God we experience independence so the stronger our connection with God becomes we become independent and then when we have that security yes God always loves me he always cares for me he accepts me as I am there is no wrong doing however grievous we may do that will make God reject us his love for us is always there we don't have the power to do anything so bad it will make God reject us he will always be with us so that is now this is not just a some idea especially if we evolve in our consciousness if we practise bhakti yoga if we chant the holy names we worship me serve the Lord we connect with him through the practise of bhakti we experience that and that security once we have that independence through that then we can move towards interdependence yes I am a part of Krishna, Krishna accepts me and for functioning in the world I want to relate with others and we will function together so we go towards interdependence then if a particular relationship doesn't work fine I still have my relationship with Krishna I will move on and we will be able to function so even in our horizontal relationships we can function better if our vertical relationship is steady I will conclude with one example for this and then we can have questions if there are any I suppose somebody is working in a in a big shopping mall and in a big department store or whatever it's a say a cloth store now some customers when they go to see clothes they want to see the whole store they look at 500 dresses and they will not even take one after that now the attendant who is there the attendant what will happen to them is that they will feel I know I have to pick up all this and put it all in place and such a big mess normally whenever any customer comes into a shop several attendants may go to attend to that person but you know some customers who are known to be very demanding when they come all the attendants go away nobody wants to deal with that person so when such a thing happens at that time now if a customer is known to be a very very irritable very condescending very dismissive very demanding then if an attendant goes and attends that person and stays cordial stays polite at the end of it that person says you don't have what I want I'm going and the attendant may feel I wasted my time but it's not necessarily a waste of time if there is a camera and nearby there is a boss and the boss will observe it and the boss comes the boss also knows this customer is a tough customer and the boss comes and then the boss says you are a cool guy you know you know how to handle tough customers I will make you in charge of the whole week and you train others how to handle tough customers and they can't handle them so this customer this attendant failed in making the sale but still the attendant succeeded in pleasing the boss so similarly for us for if we are spiritually minded for us every relationship is not just with the other person it is for us in every relationship there is a third person the third person is Krishna so this person is doing like this so I will do like this if we if we are simply retaliating then there is a spirituality in our relationship so that doesn't mean we just take whatever the other person is when we take whatever they are doing passively and let ourselves be trampled on it just means that our our behaviour is not simply a function of their behaviour our behaviour is a function of our principles or our desire to evolve our desire to please Krishna our desire to love Krishna so okay in this situation what will please Krishna how can I how can I serve Krishna in this situation so if we think in this way then we won't we won't get carried away sometimes some people they are so nice and they're so kind and they inspire us to evolve oh you're so kind I want to become like you so they encourage us by their positive examples and some people they force us to evolve that means that they are placed in our life to help us grow more humble more tolerant more patient and I was once giving a seminar on relationships so once I asked when we are practising bhakti there are many things which we need to tolerate so what are the things so one devotee is very enthusiastic yes says we need to tolerate devotees so I said yes that's a good realisation and as we advance we will realise that devotees are tolerating us so we do have to tolerate people but it is not a one-way street that they are doing terrible things and we are tolerating them we also have our conditioning people are also tolerating us so if you understand that in relationships we are all we are not here to see through each other you are like this you are like this you are like this we are here to see each other through if we think that this relationship is only for my pleasure then I may start thinking there is no pleasure in this relationship why should I continue this is a big difference in relationships that has happened in the last maybe 50 to 50 years or so in the past say people people entered into marriage they saw marriage as an obligation marriage is a commitment marriage is a responsibility but now people see marriage as an option if it works good if it doesn't forget it so that sense of duty that sense of responsibility is not there so that's why it's not that people in the past did not have issues in their relationships everybody has issues I told you about this friend with a marriage counsellor he said I have seen only two kinds of couples is those who fight with each other and those whom I don't know very well if two people are going to live together there are going to be differences you can't avoid them but if there is this bigger purpose that I am meant to connect with God I'm going to develop in my devotion to God so this relationship is not just for our mutual pleasure of course we don't want pain in the relationship and if we can get pleasure that's wonderful but the primary purpose of the relationship is not just each other's pleasure the primary purpose is to evolve in our consciousness to go towards God to develop ourselves spiritually if we have the purpose of evolution then the turbulence in the relationships will go down substantially or rather we will be able to bear with the turbulence without overreacting to it without overreacting to it and that's how this spiritual purpose that I am here to evolve in my vertical relationship and my horizontal relationships some relationships may encourage and inspire me to grow some relationships may compel me to grow but both ways if I am evolving then I am on the right track that way we will be able to deal with difficult people and persevere in difficult relationships without hyperventilating without overreacting without making things worse so one point which I'll conclude this is that never take permanent decisions based on temporary emotions if you forget everything else from this class just remember this one thing never take permanent decisions based on temporary emotions emotions come and emotions can be very very volatile we don't want to deny the emotion you don't want to suppress those emotions but if we take permanent decisions based on that then we will we will hurt ourselves will hurt others and we will sentence ourselves to loneliness we acknowledge the emotions but no permanent decisions based on temporary emotions in that way we will tide over the storm of emotions and continue to a better brighter face in our relationships so I'll summarise I spoke on the topic of loneliness today and I talked about how because of the breakdown of social structures just families a lot of people experiencing loneliness and how to deal with that I talked about the acronym what was it care see so C was courage to trust so I talked about how any relationship if we are naive will be taken for a ride but because of that betrayal we may go to the other extreme and become cynical see that everyone is bad so in between these two is the courage to trust yes there are there are snakes inside me there is snakes inside the other people but let me take step by step so trust can be reasonable if it is increment sensible and verifiable and then I talked about second was we came to so we are talking about others but before we can deal with others we need to deal with ourselves so I talked about a was acceptance acceptance has to two extremes in which one is we don't accept any of our mistakes and other is we don't accept ourselves only because of our mistakes so not not accept our mistakes will prevent us from connecting with anyone else we blame others only for everything that is wrong in our lives but if we beat ourselves down because of our mistakes thinking I am unloved that will that will damage as much more so we are our only resource and if we don't accept ourselves what do we have left with us so we accept ourselves by having intrinsic self-worth we want to achieve things but our like parents if they appreciate the children not just for what that for their achievement but for their commitment then their self-worth is not extrinsic but intrinsic and our intrinsic worth self-worth comes from our spirituality we are all parts of God we are all sparks of divinity and God loves us irrespective of whatever our limitations or defects may be then once we have this basic acceptance of our mistakes and of ourselves then when we are dealing with others I talked about our was reference frame talked about how the same incident fan going off I could escalate it to the level of the solar system or it could just be a switch over here so all of us we have different frames of reference and sometimes when people seem to behave in a incomprehensible way they making small things very big that's just because their frame of reference is different I talked about currency so somebody's complaining about something which we feel is very small that is in their currency it is not a small thing so to connect with the others we have to understand their currency and we understand it by looking at what if we do they appreciate it a lot what if we don't do they complain a lot about it and if you want to understand what why something why are they taking such a small thing so big we can ask them why does it matter so can you explain why this is so important for you so this non-judgemental question allows them to open so even if you don't change anything if you just listen and appreciate listen and acknowledge that will help them feel understood and that can remove a lot at least decrease the emotional temperature things can move forward and last I talked about was E was evolution at least we have a higher vision of our life and our relationships we are spiritual beings on a multi-life journey of spiritual evolution and our relationships are not just for our mutual gratification they are for our spiritual evolution so just like an attendant may have a disagreeable customer but the attendance is polite in spite of the disagreeability of the customer because they want to please the boss similarly if we see that our interactions are not just about us we don't retaliate to other person's behaviour but we think about Krishna and how can I serve Krishna how can I please Krishna what would Krishna want me to do in this situation then we can we won't react so emotionally inside every crime complaining adult is a crime in fact if we try to understand them and address them then can tide over those storms by connecting with Krishna we become independent and then when we form a relationship we are interdependent and then whether they work or not we can still move on the study and once we are independent we have that inner security by which even if there are emotional highs and lows we won't take permanent decisions based on temporary motions but rather will move forward through the storms that are inevitable relationships and move toward developing deeper more meaningful relationships thank you very much Hare Krishna so it's a not little quite a bit over time so if there are any questions maybe any of you can meet.