Don’t waste your mental energy on people on whom you won’t waste your time Gita 11.55

Thank you Bhagavad Gita 11.55 nirvairah sarvabhuteshu yah samam eti pandava don't waste your mind on people on whom you wouldn't waste your time many of the complexities in life come from relationships different relationships bring us different levels of fulfillment and cause us different levels of frustration in a particular relationship we have experienced a lot of frustration and after repeated frustration we just decide that this relationship is not going to work some relationships are just not meant to be some people can get along with some people some people can't get along with some people that's just the way people are it doesn't necessarily make mean that one person is good and the other person is bad it may well be that one person is more feels more troubled in the relationship than the other person and this often happens all the more when the relationships are among unequals when one person is in the position of authority and the other person is in the position of subordinate then the subordinate may feel inordinately troubled by by the high handedness of the authority of course sometimes the authority may have good intention and may want the good of the subordinate but in some cases there might just be a incompatibility that is irreducible so we see in the case of the Pandavas and the Kauravas the Pandavas tried to reconcile on many occasions but the Kauravas were brazen and unrepentant and eventually the Pandavas had to choose assertive action through attack and in the same 11th chapter of the Bhagavad Gita Krishna has told Arjuna to arise and attain victory assuring him that his enemies will be killed तस्मात्मुत्तिष्टेशो लबस्व जित्वाशत्रुन् मुंच्वराज्यम् समृत्नम् मययि वैते निह्ता पूरोमेवा निमत्तमात्रम् भवसविसाचि by my arrangement they have all been killed so Krishna tells this 22 verses earlier by my arrangement they have all been killed but here in this verse he says Arjuna do not fight with any animosity निर्वैरह सर्वभूतेशु have no animosity no resentment no negative feelings towards anyone सर्वभूतेशु means it includes even the Kauravas and Krishna says if you act like this यह समामेति पाण्डव by this you will attain me so sometimes once we have decided so generally when we face a difficulty in a relationship we basically have three options one is change ourselves and tolerate the situation, tolerate the person the second is take action to change that person which is especially required that person is hurting not just us but many other people and people need to be protected from that person and third is just walk away from the situation I realize this is too complicated and I don't want to get involved in this so we walk away from that situation now in all these three all these three are valid at different times but the important thing is that we don't get emotionally trapped in it sometimes we may tolerate but we become so resentful while tolerating that we are still emotionally trapped in that person thinking this person is so bad, this person is so bad even when we decide to take action against them at that time also we may decide, we may fill with an agenda of vengeance, I'll get back at you, you caused me so much suffering, I'm going to cause you much greater suffering or even when we walk away sometimes we don't walk away, we run away, when we run away our mind is still fearfully occupied with the trouble causing person and so basically in all these cases our mind is trapped in the problem and the problem causing person especially if we have recognized that say a relationship is not going to work, we have given it enough tries and our life is ultimately meant to develop our relationship with Krishna and it's not just meant to repair to spend our whole lifetime trying to repair a relationship with another human being, of course we would like to relate with other human beings also nicely and we should try but there are incompatibilities which are irreducible and in some cases some relationships they are just not going to work so if we have decided that we are going to walk away from a relationship then there is no need we have decided not to spend any time in that relationship we just hand it and move on with our life then if we have decided not to spend time in that relationship there is no need to spend our mind in that relationship not spending our mind means not keeping thinking about that thing, that person oh you know he should have done that she should have done like that I should have spoken like that at that time sometimes especially when there are there are less than pleasant interactions and there are accusations cast by one person on the other and the other person counter attacks the mind often imagines I would have come back with this repository that person spoke like that I should have spoken like this at that time and then I would have shown them how foolish they are they slapped me like this with their word I would have punched them with my word like that so the mind often starts to be playing about how we could have got back at someone either verbally or in some extreme cases physically also but what is the point of it all if we have decided that that relationship is over that there is no chance of restoring or redeeming that relationship then if we have decided that I am not going to spend my time on this person, this relationship then why am I spending my mind on that person or that relationship our mental energy is actually precious and just as we need to carefully invest our time if we consider a hierarchy we value money a lot because it is physically tangible if we misplace some note we will be worried so now money is physically tangible time is not exactly a quantity which can be held in our hands but still it is something which can be quantified in fact quantification is the only way by which we can understand time time is intrinsic conception we can never know that what it is that is why it is so difficult for us to appreciate when Krishna says that I am time what exactly does that mean so ontologically what time is difficult to understand functionally we understand time through its quantification through its measurement so we do value time because we know that okay this is the time when I have to do this this is the time when I have to do that most of us who are trying to seriously achieve anything we know how important it is to manage our time but even more important than managing our time is managing our mental energy because even if we say I have allocated 3 hours for studying but if before the time we start studying we have a nasty interaction with someone and our mind is caught in a perpetual auto replay mode where it is imagining I should have said this to the person I should have done that at that time I should have shown them so then those 3 hours of time our mental energy will be dissipated in those revenge fantasies and thus we will not be able to use that time properly therefore it is important for us to recognize that our mental energy is our extremely precious asset and we should ensure that we don't waste it on anyone who is not worth it when we say someone is not worth it that does not mean that we are demeaning the intrinsic worth of that person no all people are souls they are parts of Krishna and in that they all have their intrinsic spiritual worth but we are talking simply about their functional or relational worth that we cannot be certain relationships involve so much incompatibility and cause so much stress and distress that it's best that the two people are parted and that has happened now it is not that relationships should be just cursorily casually on the small misunderstandings small conflicts it shouldn't be that relationships should be severed just like that but there are times when the relationship gives us nothing but misery and when that is happening then we have to consider the purpose of that relationship in the light of the ultimate purpose of life and see how best this particular relationship will fit in the service purpose of our life and then decide how can we best serve Krishna and move on now if we have decided that a distance sometimes we do not have to break a relationship sometimes we just have to create a healthy distance in the relationship it is said that good fences make good neighbours that means that there are two people who are having houses next to each other and both of them may be nice people but if both of them start quarrelling this rose tree is in my property this mango tree is in my property and both of them although they are good people basically but then they start having very bad fights so if you write in the beginning itself the property lines are demarcated clearly and both of them agree to those terms of demarcation then much conflict in future can be avoided so like that in all our relationships also we need to sometimes define fences that means not sometimes almost all the times there are fences in relationships this is we as human beings sometimes need connection and sometimes need space sometimes we want to interact with others, we want to feel connected with others, at other times we need space, we want our own time we want our own space physically, emotionally and the need for space is more in some people, less in some people, maybe people who are more extrovert they need more connection, people who are more introvert they need more space but either way in each relationship we need to define clearly what is the what is the what is the fence so sometimes we don't necessarily have to terminate a relationship we might just decide that a greater amount of space is what is needed, we may need to have a taller fence and with that definition with a sufficient distance maybe the relationship can go on in a state of the uneasy coexistence, some relationships involve joyful interactions some relationships may just involve uneasy coexistence, some relationships may just involve just end them all and end interactions also so either way whatever it is particular course of action that we may take to resolve a relationship that is not working then we need to make sure that that relationship doesn't consume more of our mental energy than it is worth so if you have decided this is the distance that I am going to have in this relationship and I don't have any further expectation from this relationship, just maintain a just a formal relationship, we don't expect proximity, we don't expect any intimacy then it's just a just a hi hello kind of relationship that kind of relationships are also acceptable, as I said different people are different so some people can get along with some people, some people just can't now when that happens it's best to just we have decided not to invest any more time then why invest any more mental energy we may not consciously invest our mental energy but subconsciously or rather unconsciously we could say without our being aware at all, we start thinking about that person why, why, why I'll do this, I'll get back to you so when the mind starts obsessing over a particular relationship or a particular person we need to be vigilant to catch it and now when the mind's tricks are afflicting us the mind's insidious ways are tormenting us because at that time we may not realize also what is happening exactly but over a period of time we do start feeling drained sometimes we wake up in the morning and we have a spring in our feet we feel energetic but then some relationship strain starts tormenting us start burdening us and then a few hours without having done anything substantial we start feeling deflated we start feeling exhausted we start feeling like we can't do anything that's because our mental energy our energy level depends not just on our physical energy it depends on our mental energy also and if our mental energy has been dissipated in resentment or revenge fantasies then we can't function properly so when we talk about controlling the mind controlling the mind there are two aspects to it there is monitoring the mind and there is mentoring the mind so monitoring the mind means we need to be aware what am I thinking about which direction are my thoughts going, how is my mental energy being spent that is how we monitor just like in a computer there is a monitor which shows us what all is happening in the computer so like that one aspect of having a vigilant consciousness or an aspect of sharp intelligence Krishna says that gradually step by step calm the mind with intelligence sustained by conviction 6.25 in the Bhagavad Gita fix the mind on the self do not think about anything else for focusing the mind the critical element is intelligence is determination conviction so intelligence sustained by conviction so the intelligence sustained by conviction means sometimes we just need some jolts of wisdom some insightful statements to actually remind us forcefully of what it is that needs to be done so just as this thought say for example why am I wasting my mental energy on a person on whom I am not going to waste my time now if we meet that person we would just nod and move on we would just you know formality and we would not spend time talking with that person because we know it's not worth it so if we are not going to spend time talking with that person why are we wasting our mind talking that person talking back with that person this kind of reflections there are different reflections of this for different occasions but these reflections they will become our they will enable us to sustain our intelligence with conviction and with them energizing us intellectually then we can monitor so as I was saying that the two aspects of intelligently dealing with the mind are monitoring and mentoring monitoring means first we are aware where the mind is going and then mentoring means when the mind starts going in the wrong direction we need to gently but firmly just like a mother did to the child gently but firmly we need to get the mind in the right track we need to mentor it of course the best way to not waste our mental energy on someone whom we are not going to waste our time the best way to do it is to have something positive to do in our life in general it's almost impossible to do a don't that means do a don't means that if we are told don't do this so the negative injunction we are conscious beings we are always active beings we need to do something so we can't actually do a don't we can only do a do that's why the don't has to be complemented with a do so the Bhagavad Gita when it tells us always think of Krishna that means that is the do ultimately we understand that my defining relationship in life is my relationship with Krishna Krishna is my lord and I am his servant and with that defining relationship all other relationships fall in place I am this person's husband I am this person's wife I am this person's son I am this person's parent whatever I am this person's brother I am this person's sister I am this person's friend whichever relationship it is if we see all those relationships as subordinate to our relationship with Krishna then we understand that all these relationships are ultimately meant to aid us in developing our relationship with Krishna and then that brings us the positive do that how to avoid wasting our mental energy on someone on whom we are not going to waste our time that is by directing our mental energy towards Krishna by understanding that whatever situation we are in we always have an opportunity to serve Krishna we always have the opportunity to move closer to Krishna through the practice of bhakti and Krishna is always there in our hearts eager to accept our offering of service accept our intention of love and reciprocate with us so bhakti is not just a matter of doing some chanting or going to a temple or doing some puja all these are important but the importance of these is that they train our mental energy to become focused on Krishna they habituate our mind to become fixed on Krishna and then when our mind starts going in troublesome directions often when there are troublesome people we obsess over how troublesome the person is but actually more troublesome than any troublesome person is the troublesome mind so the purpose of bhakti is to train our mind so that it can easily connect with Krishna and then when we have some troublesome relationship with someone at that time the trained mind can be pulled back from obsessing over the negativity in that relationship to focusing on the positivity of our relationship with Krishna and thus we can go beyond the energy sapping negativity of certain unworkable relationships when Krishna says when he says if you become conscious of me you will pass over all obstacles by my grace that essentially means that he is saying that even the obstacles that come from disruptive relationships those obstacles that come from abusive people in our life or even if they are not abusive they are just incompatible the obstacles that come from those we can overcome them also by absorption in Krishna thank you.