Emotionally intelligent spirituality 1 – Don’t work for or against emotions – work with them for Krishna
Thank all of you for coming today evening and I will be speaking today on the topic of emotionally healthy spirituality because emotionally healthy has two meanings to it that subtitle I had given was that protecting our emotional health while pursuing our spiritual health so I will start with an incident which inspired me to take this topic and I will elaborate as we move forward I answer questions on my website thespiritualscientist.com and when Mataji was just becoming a devotee she posted a question she said that she from her childhood suffered from paranoia chronic fearfulness she would get very scared of things she would see a car crash and she would say I am going to crash next time and she had to go to a therapist and take treatment and she was able to manage herself and then she came to Krishna Consciousness started chanting Hare Krishna and she found her fear also went down by that but once she attended a class and the class theme was that death can come at any time and the whole class basically was describing various ways in which death can come at any time in fact that devotee also showed a video anyway the whole video was a compilation of how people who were living normally somebody was just in a shopping mall they were walking along and suddenly they get a heart attack and then they die over there somebody sitting and watching TV they just press a remote and that time something happens and they from the remote they get electric shock and they die so the from just seeing that video hearing about the various possibilities about how death can come at any time that triggered my fearfulness once again so badly that I again had to go to my therapist and my therapist I had been treated quite well so my therapist asked me what happened and I told her she said that hearing such classes is psychologically damaging for you so stop hearing them she said that I thought the Bhagavad Gita is actually very good wisdom so is hearing the Bhagavad Gita psychologically damaging because the Gita class is there so then I explained elaborately that actually there is goodness, passion and ignorance the three modes of material nature and these shape our perception so for example if I am in goodness when I hear about death the way I respond to it will be different when I am in passion the response will be different when I am in ignorance the response will be different so if I am in the mode of goodness if I hear about death then I start thinking death means that whatever I am working for will destroy me so is there anything beyond this and if there is how can I achieve it so in goodness we see the material and we see the spiritual and then the temporality the ephemerality of the material prompts us to look at the spiritual in contrast if we are in the mode of passion then we think the material is all that exists and we will think that okay now that I have the material and I am going to die any time let me enjoy as much as I can so the same fact in goodness everything is temporary why waste your time in enjoying things why waste your time in getting entangled so in passion everything is temporary why lose the opportunity for enjoyment in fact Ravana told this to Sita he said youth is temporary your beauty is temporary if you spend 14 years in exile with Ram your youth will go away come and enjoy with me so I once saw an advertisement when I was going to Mayapur in Kolkata enjoy before you become a dirty old man so yes you are going to become old so in passion we think that I have to enjoy a little because the matter is all that I can see and let me control as much as I can as long as I can and enjoy so in the mode of ignorance when we hear about death in goodness we see some things are in my control some things are not in my control so let me focus on that which is in my control the material level death is going to come that is not in my control the spiritual level life is eternal I am eternal let me raise my consciousness to spiritual level in the mode of passion I think I am the controller I want to be the controller and I try as much as possible to control things in the mode of ignorance I don't know about the spiritual realm and even in the material level I think I am not in control I can't control anything so that makes me feel powerless so in the mode of ignorance people go into lamentation this goes wrong, that goes wrong moroseness moroseness means habitual negativity every suggestion we give to a person who is morose, they will find all the problems that are possible with it it's not going to work it's not going to work so we go into the zone of self pity so if somebody is in the mode of ignorance and we tell them that death can come at any time that can make them paranoid death can come at any time what should I do how should I live everything will be destroyed at any moment so the purpose of everything given in scripture is to spiritualise our consciousness spiritualising our consciousness means that we want to prompt our consciousness towards spirituality so now the defining principle bhakti is accept that it is favourable avoid that it is unfavourable so in the philosophy also we have to find out what prompts our consciousness towards Krishna and we focus on that so if because of my paranoia my fearfulness I find that hearing about death agitates me it makes me paranoid and that means that hearing is not favourable for my Krishna so it is not that hearing the Bhagavad Gita is psychologically damaging rather hearing some aspects of the Bhagavad Gita may be damaging for those who are already psychologically damaged so it is not that being psychologically damaged is a character deficiency it is just the way we are and if I am psychologically having some damage then I have to acknowledge that and I have to do other things in Krishna Krishna Prabhupadi will give the example that if we hear about the Rath Nila which is the most exalted pastime of Krishna it is considered a worshipable pastime of pure spiritual love between Krishna and his highest devotees but if hearing about the Rath Nila we start equating it with ordinary male-female interactions and that triggers our mundane desires within us and Prabhupada said don't hear about it you are not yet ready that is the reality and the relationships in this world are like the reflection so now for the pure devotees and they see the reality and they understand that is the reality and even when they see male-female interactions, Rupa Goswami prays O my dear Lord just as a boy's mind is attracted to a girl and a girl's mind is attracted to a boy similarly O Lord let my mind be attracted to you that means seeing the male-female romantic interactions over here a devotee says this is the reflection that is the reality so the reflection reminds us of the reality but if we are not yet philosophically convinced if we are too materially attached then instead of the reflection reminding us of the reality the reality reminds us of the reflection so then what happens hearing about those pastimes triggers our mundane desires if that is happening then that means right now I am not mature enough to hear this so let me purify myself let me deepen my philosophical understanding and then I will be able to hear it so the point of emotionally healthy spirituality is that our spirituality is meant to ultimately restore us to spiritual health but along with that we also have to progress towards spiritual health in a way that is emotionally healthy for us that doesn't make us inordinately emotionally agitated so I will compare this with physical health all of us may have certain physical health issues say if somebody has some back problems because of which they can't sit on the floor and you tell them that you have to sit on the floor and they sit on the floor somehow and even if they are chanting the japa or they are hearing a class at that time the irritation, the pain in the body is so much that it distracts them from hearing the message, from focussing on the message so the physical our purpose is not to pamper the body somebody says unless there is air conditioning in the temple hall I am not going to come to hearing classes well, ok you can have air conditioning but the point is not whether the air conditioning is not we are not coming to the temple to be physically comfortable our purpose is we want to gain spiritual understanding but if for gaining spiritual understanding our particular body needs particular things because it has some sensitivities then addressing them so that we can focus on Krishna that is what is simply a practical necessity so we don't want to on one side pamper our body but on other side we don't want to torture our body also we don't work for the body we don't work against the body we work with the body for Krishna so just as if it is very hot turn on a fan, turn on a AC and then continue hearing continue practising this is one thing if there is no fan available then still I will tolerate it but the point of physical austerity is not to torment the body the point of physical austerity is to decrease our focus on Krishna if somebody is fasting nirjal or ekadashi if I am a serious devotee that means I should be able to fast nirjal or ekadashi fast nirjal or ekadashi and we are sitting and chanting and we are chanting Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna as our tongue but the mind is chanting prasad, prasad, prasad, prasad Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna prasad, prasad, prasad, prasad when will I eat, when will I eat so it is like the tongue is on one track the mind is on another track and our consciousness is caught only in the mind if that is happening, better take some food and then come back and chant attentively the point is not to torment the body now is it a character deficiency that some devotees are able to fast more some devotees are able to fast less it is not a character deficiency why? because from the Ayurvedic perspective, different people have different bodies kappa, vata, pitta, three kinds of bodies are there and people with kapik bodies can fast relatively easily people with pitta bodies they find it very difficult to fast they start getting acidity, irritability just can't fast so now the important thing is to focus the mind on Krishna and if I have a body that can't fast much it's fine it's not that I have to feel inferior because I can't fast it is not that I have to minimise we should not minimise others also you have a kapha body that's why you are able to fast there is nothing special about it there is some austerity required and those who are doing austerity, we appreciate that but the point is not how much I fast the point is how much I focus on Krishna so now some people may be able to do it less some people may be able to do it more so the same principle we have to apply to our mind and our emotions all of us have our own emotional nature emotional nature means some people need more of a bonding they come to a place they want people to talk nicely with them they want to interact with people they want to sit and talk and that's when they talk with each other they feel somebody cares for me over here and some people, they just want to talk business it's not that they don't care they don't care to sit and talk too much now for a person who likes to sit and talk and discuss and that's what gives them value and for somebody else who says, come on, let's do the things what are you going to do let's do this, this, this now when two people are meeting of this nature some people are of the nature of doing things some people are of talking now it's not that one is bad or the other is good it's just that two are of different natures and each nature has to find how it can be addressed so some people have a nature to bond and talk more then they have to find other devotees who like to bond and talk more that doesn't mean that we sit and gossip what we talk is important but that's a separate issue, if that's what they need that's what they need if somebody just can't sit and do that, let's do things then they have to find out how can I do, let's meet other devotees who also like to do things and then we interact, I did this, let's move on let's do these things both of them some people get a sense of value based on how much time I spend with people how much time people interact with me some people get a sense of value by what all have I done I've done this, this, this so now we all are of different natures some people when some small thing goes wrong they just get too disturbed some people, big things go wrong they say they can't now you could say that, ok this person gets so disturbed, so sentimental this person doesn't get disturbed at all this person is more emotionally matured, more spiritually advanced well it could be because of spiritual advancement, but it just could be because of one's own nature so when we don't acknowledge our physical nature, say for example even if I have a back problem, I decide I'm going to sit on the ground and I'm going to chant, I may chant but I'm firstly, I'm not able to focus on Krishna and secondly I'm worsening my physical condition so similarly if we don't acknowledge our emotional nature whatever it is if a small thing agitates me, ok that's the way I am then I just meet some devotee, speak some kind word a few encouraging words few understanding words, it calms me down and then I can get on with things so if I totally try to deny or reject my particular nature, be it physical or emotional, then two things happen, first is I can't focus on Krishna even if I try to and second is that I aggravate my own situation my back pain is not going to go away but it's going to be there and it's going to worsen, so like that if I'm agitated by something, I try to do some devotional activity I may simply worsen my agitation and I'm not actually focussing on Krishna so we need to acknowledge our particular nature and do what it takes to work for Krishna with that nature so if a devotee is very fearful and talking about how death can occur at any moment that is simply going to agitate that devotee and yes now to say oh why are you so we'll take shelter of Krishna that devotee may chant Hare Krishna but they're not going to focus on Krishna so we all come from our individual backgrounds and we are not we are not prisoners of our past that means just because I was fearful, I was always very fearful paranoid, that doesn't mean that I'll always stay fearful we are not prisoners of our past, we can change but at the same time although we are not prisoners of our past we are products of our past and denying that we are the products of our past doesn't change us we have to work with whatever body mind resources we do have so when Abhimanyu passes away Abhimanyu is killed Arjuna is furious Arjuna when he comes to know he is shocked, he starts crying, he collapses on the ground and then after that he gets up and lashes out at everyone he lashes out at his brothers Yudhisthira, Vibha, Nakula, Sahadeva he said what are your weapons, are they simply bangles all of you couldn't protect my son he just lashes out at everyone and eventually turns to Krishna Krishna, you must have known what was happening why why didn't you stop why didn't you tell me why didn't you do something about it here in fact there is a whole half a chapter in the Mahabharata which describes Arjuna's lamentation and Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita has said beforehand that a person in knowledge is not attached and specifically Krishna used the word one is not attached to one's children one's son, one's spouse now Krishna does not say Arjuna have you forgotten the Bhagavad Gita should I tell you the verse 13.10 Krishna doesn't do that at all Krishna is simply gentle oh Arjuna Krishna tells your brothers are drowning in an ocean of grief just as you are drowning don't speak words which would make them sink deeper into the ocean of grief a person of character tries to decrease other people's grief not increase it Arjuna summoned your strength of character we are all with you so Arjuna so Krishna doesn't use philosophy at that time to to wish away Arjuna's emotions or to minimise Arjuna's emotions Krishna acknowledges those emotions but Krishna encourages Arjuna to rise upwards similarly when Draupadi is dishonoured after that when they are in the forest Krishna comes to meet them and Draupadi stares in her eyes and says Krishna when this disaster was happening where were you I called you Krishna where were you now we know that Krishna manifested as the unlimited saree which protected her honour but it is not that Krishna was seen at that time it was just that her saree became exhaustible so nobody saw Krishna so and they thought that this is because she was so chaste by higher power she was miraculously protected so then Krishna what does he answer my plan is perfect don't doubt my plan Krishna doesn't say that Krishna says I didn't know what was happening I was in Dwaraka protecting Dwaraka from the demon Shalu he had attacked the ferocious army and I was protecting and restoring Dwaraka and as soon as they came to know I am coming Oh Panchali those who have wronged you will be punished you are the daughter of a great king you are the wife of great heroes for those who are great even great calamities do not disturb them hold patience have patience of the Panchali the wrongs will be righted so here again Krishna does not deny her emotions Krishna acknowledges those emotions sometimes we may misapply the philosophy to to minimise or reject people's emotions the purpose of the philosophy is to actually help people come closer to Krishna from where they are if we don't acknowledge where they are and then we use a one size fit all some people they just know one or two points and whenever they meet anyone it's like a tape recorder starts speak this it's good that we repeat what we have heard but as we learn we realise that we have to speak according to Desi Kalpatra, according to time, place and circumstance so with respect to I'll talk first about preaching to new people and then I'll talk about interacting among devotees so it is said preaching means to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comforted that means that if somebody their loved one has passed away and they are afflicted now so what do we do? comfort the afflicted tell them the soul is eternal and the soul is always under the care of Krishna wherever they have gone, Krishna is there and Krishna is there in your heart also if you pray to Krishna the results of their prayers can go to them also so we comfort the afflicted on the other hand preaching also means afflict the comforted if somebody thinks that I'm wealthy I'm young, I'm handsome I'm beautiful, I'm successful why do I need God? all that you have it can go in one moment Prabhupada I'll give the example of JFK America's president so young, powerful, handsome, popular and this one moment he died Prabhupada said death can come at any time and nothing will be left everything will be taken away everything will be taken away so you have to remind them that whatever you have is temporary so somebody is comforted, to afflict the comforted so that's how they become aware it's like sickness if a patient is sick the doctor has to assure the patient sickness is there, I understand the pain is there but you take this treatment it will be alright so we comfort one who is afflicted but somebody who is in the mode of denial nothing is wrong with me this is a serious disease and if you don't take care of this now in three months you will be bed ridden in four months you will become paralysed in six months you will die are you a doctor or a demon what are you doing no but that's what is required the purpose is the patient needs to be told seriously to take the treatment sometimes the afflicted need to be comforted and sometimes the comforted need to be afflicted now if we have a one size fit all formula then we end up afflicting the afflicted and comforting the comforted so somebody has lost their loved one and we tell them you have lost this loved one you are going to lose all your loved ones life is temporary all relations are temporary this world is dukkhalayam you have experienced misery now just see in future what miseries will come this is a total misapplication of the philosophy so yes a patient is sick and the sickness may worsen but the doctor's purpose is to inspire the patient to take the medicine so if the purpose is clear then that same doctor may sometimes comfort the patient and sometimes may castigate the patient afflict the patient so we cannot use a one size fit all formula we have to be sensitive to the particular situation and present it accordingly sometimes we just comfort those who are comforted some person is very proud so wealthy just pamper them for their wealth and we just get some donation from them yes we want to if at least they are not ready to serve Krishna we may use their Lakshmi and Krishna but we should make sure that we are giving Krishna in some form so Prabhupada he had life membership programme in India so people would give donations to temple but he would make sure that they get some books they get some Krishna pictures they get something connected with Krishna in a way that they can accept and they can slowly come towards Krishna so we cannot we cannot be insensitive to the particular situation the person is in so the same principle applies in our own personal devotional life and in our interaction with others so if some people are some devotees for example they tend to be a little more emotional some devotees may be a little more rational so a now what happens in a bhakti is that we often are very quick to use the philosophy to label people if somebody who is too emotional, you are a so sentimental and somebody who is too rational you are a gyani, dry gyani, heartless hard hearted and in this way we just, the philosophical labels that we fix on people they simply create barriers they don't lead to any deeper understanding so if somebody is more emotional then they need to bond with people who are more emotional of course the bonding has to be in such a way that they all move towards Krishna it is not that they bond together and they say no, nobody cares I also feel like this, nobody cares and we both reinforce our own self pity that is undesirable but we learn to understand each other better so that we can all move towards Krishna but if we don't do this then we may become our emotional side, we all have an emotional side, some people may have it more, some people may have it less, our emotional side will become a big blockage in our movement towards Krishna so we may have resentment because somebody has neglected us, we expected something from someone and that person neglected us so now for different people their emotions may need to be processed in different ways some people feel, even in devotional circle some people feel lonely now there is association of devotees but Bhaktivinoda Thakur says we need like-minded association if we don't have like-minded association we may be among devotees but we may feel lonely now somebody may tell, oh you feel lonely just do more service, loneliness will go now that may work but if that doesn't, it can work sometimes we just too much caught in the mind we start getting out of the mind, start doing practical things, it goes away but if it doesn't go away then they may need some people who understand them, they talk with them sit with them a little bit, understand them and then they feel better and then they start walking so now it is whatever our emotional nature is that doesn't necessarily mean it is a deficiency it is just the way we are and we need to work from where we are towards Krishna if somebody is very rational that doesn't mean that they are they are Jnanis rationality is also a faculty that can be used in Krishna's service so some people may not be particularly particularly they don't get into emotions so much that's fine, but then they need to they need to connect with others who are similar and move onwards towards Krishna so we need to acknowledge our particular emotional nature and then use it in Krishna's service we don't work for it just because working for it means oh I feel I feel that I have an emotional nature, I feel that people don't care for me and people don't, nobody has time for me nobody wants to hear me so if I feel like that and I meet 10 other people who feel like that and all of us share our sorry stories and all of us go deeper into mundane emotions it's like, it's not satsanga it is self pity sanga so our centre, the purpose should be that we all come closer to Krishna but the point is that if we work for that nature that means we end up reinforcing that nature we work against that nature that means we just deny it's existence but that's a basic need which we may have, somebody is very rational you know like say some people have a lot of questions every philosophy, every class they have 1,2,3,4,5,6 questions and somebody comes and tells them, why do you have so many questions just chant Hare Krishna and be happy for them the way to the heart is through the head unless they are intellectually convinced, they can't take it up now if that is the case for them, they have to find like minded devotees who also think, who like to analyse, who like to explain and then they will bond and flourish over there if somebody who is just chant Hare Krishna and be happy, that is their mood now Prabhupada did say chant Hare Krishna and be happy but Prabhupada also wrote so many books why was that? because the reading of the books can deepen our philosophical conviction to chant Hare Krishna and to become happy thereby, so if somebody who is more of a, has more of a nature of being said, bhav, bhakti bhav that's all important, this philosophy is not important, well then, if somebody who has a rational nature, they need to they can't really get much satisfactory guidance from somebody who is too much of a sentimental nature not sentimental in a negative sense, but just that they have more sentiments we all need to find the association that addresses our nature somebody who is rational if lot of rational people come together and they all can do this point doesn't make sense this point doesn't make sense then we all come together and multiply our doubts and we all come to a conclusion that this is already rational that's not what we should do, we need to associate someone who also has a rational nature and they rationally address our doubts that way we will all, we will be able to move towards Krishna and we will be able to use our rational nature in the service of Krishna, people ask questions we'll have answers so we don't work against our mind, against our emotional nature we work for Krishna, with our nature so sometimes some devotees say that Ropa said, only problem in the world is the lack of Krishna consciousness if you become Krishna conscious, all problems will be solved chanting is the solution to all problems yes, chanting is the solution to all problems at the same time the process of chanting is meant to help us develop a relationship with Krishna and in the relationship with Krishna we use all the faculties that we have for the service of Krishna now if chanting is the solution to all problems, Valmiki Rishi could have just written Ram Ram Ram Ram Ram why did he write 24000 verses of the Valmiki Ramayana he wanted us to hear that now why did the CGS come up with Ayurveda because these, this is also knowledge, medical knowledge, it helps us move towards Krishna so we have to now, some people, we may have some mental issues, I feel very lonely I feel very bored, I feel very this I feel very that, chant Hare Krishna now sometimes, chanting may address that issue sometimes, chanting alone may not address that issue at that particular time it's like say, if I have got a fracture somebody tells me chant Hare Krishna, you'll fracture and go well ok I mean Krishna can do anything but a devotee's mood is not that I want Krishna I demand that Krishna should perform miracles a devotee's mood is if you got a fracture, go to a doctor and take the, that's what I do so even in the Vedic tradition, there was a system of Ayurveda there may be some system of contemporary medicine right now so with respect to physical fracture I understand chanting is not going to remove my physical fracture going back to the earlier example if I'm sitting on the floor and I'm chanting and I have a lot of back pain, somebody tells me just chant Hare Krishna more intensely you'll transcend your back pain well that can happen but to make that as a demand for chanting, that is unreasonable ok, so if I have a particular issue, I address that and I focus on Krishna so similarly, if some people have emotional issues they need to be addressed we can't use chanting Hare Krishna as an excuse for not addressing the emotional issues there are two extremes, this is a topic I will explore more elaborately in tomorrow's class one is that we just get caught in the emotional issues and think that only after this issue is addressed, then I'll chant Hare Krishna and the other is I think that chanting Hare Krishna alone will address the issue and I don't consider the emotional issue at all so we need to have a balance where we take care of our emotional health while still pursuing our spiritual health ultimately whatever emotional issues we have, the ultimate solution to everything is transcending this world is I become absorbed in Krishna and attaining Krishna's support, at the same time the ultimate solution is not the only solution I may need to have some immediate solutions, some intermediate solutions also it's only when the immediate or the intermediate solutions become a competitor to the ultimate solution I think this is all I need to do, then it's a problem but we don't have to position the immediate and the intermediate solutions, what do I mean by immediate and intermediate, if I have back pain and chanting Hare Krishna, I might just take some pain medicine and I pacify that pain, that's the immediate solution, intermediate solution means I may have to do some, I may have to go to physical therapy, I may have to do some workout do some exercises that's intermediate, that may lead to some long term solution and the ultimate is, I have to get my consciousness out of this body and attain Krishna's support, that's when it will be completely solved so there are solutions of the immediate, intermediate and the ultimate levels so this topic of immediate, intermediate, ultimate solutions I'll discuss elaborately in tomorrow's class, I'll summarise and then we can have some questions so I spoke today about emotionally healthy spirituality that means that we have to take care of our particular emotional nature while we are pursuing spiritual growth I talked about this Mataji who was paranoid and she heard her class about death can happen anytime and that triggered her paranoia once again so the knowledge of the Bhagavad Gita is not psychologically damaging but some aspects of Bhagavad Gita's philosophical message can cause agitation to those who are already psychologically damaged then they have to appropriately focus they have to hear in a purposeful way hearing about death in goodness will help us to see the temporality of the material and focus on the spiritual hearing about death in passion when I'm in the mode of passion will make me think the material is all that exists so let me enjoy as much as I can, as quickly as I can in the mode of ignorance when I feel even the material I can't control, that will just make me go into the zone of self pity and paranoia so just as Prabhupada said that if hearing about the Raas Leela which is the highest spiritual devotional pastime if that agitates your sensual desires, then don't hear about it, that is the reality and the world's sensual interactions are the reflection the reflection should direct us towards the reality when the reality directs us towards the reflection then stop it, just purify yourself hear the basic philosophy hear other pastimes of Krishna and gradually we'll come to the level where we can hear Krishna's pastimes with the gopis also so I need to take the responsibility to understand what is favourable for my bhakti and what is unfavourable for my bhakti and I accept the favourable and I avoid the unfavourable so with respect to physical health talking of somebody has back pain it's not that they have to torment their body I sit on the floor, sit on the chair we don't work for our body, but we don't work against our body we work with our body for Krishna so if I can't fast instead of tormenting myself by fasting just eat what I need to and then focus on practising bhakti, same way if I have a nature that is where I get too emotional okay, that's the way I am then I need an associate which understands my emotionality and addresses it and helps me move towards Krishna if I am very rational fix it kind of person and I need the associate that understands that and helps me move towards Krishna so a one size fit all formula can actually be damaging preaching means to comfort the afflicted or and to afflict the comforted if we afflict the afflicted and comfort the comforted we are doing anti-puncture so similarly we have to acknowledge our and others particular emotional nature and we don't work for it that means if we work for it, it's like aggravating things just reinforcing our particular emotional nature we don't work against it, that means we deny it but just like a disease that is denied it only gets aggravated so like a doctor sees the disease sees the mood of the patient and prescribes the medicine has a particular way in which to prescribe similarly we address our particular emotional nature in a way we can move towards Krishna and then I conclude by talking about chanting Hare Krishna is the ultimate solution to all problems but that doesn't mean that we have to position the ultimate solution as a competitor to the immediate or intermediate solutions we have to balance so that we take care of our emotional health while we focus on pursuing our spiritual health thank you very much, Hare Krishna so are there any questions or comments yes if somebody is of a very emotional nature and they are what you can say clingy they want to hang on then they how do we address their needs but we don't get constricted by that we don't how do we there is there are some people who may be have too much emotional expectations or they may be too emotionally dependent on someone else that kind of emotional dependency is actually not healthy, not just in spiritual life, in general in one's life, it's not very healthy for us to be dependent on someone else too much if my whole sense of self-identity and self-worth comes from someone else, then if that person is displeased with me or they may not even be displeased with me but they just don't pay attention to me or don't reciprocate the way I expect them to, that's like the end of the world for me it is they get the question I did this for this person I expected this person didn't pay attention to me sometimes some devotees come and they say are you angry with me? are you upset with me? what happened? last time when you were passing by you didn't smile at me okay I mean everybody has their own issues, normally we try to be courteous, but it's not that we have to imagine problems when there are none everybody is going through their own issues so it's like we have to have our own understanding that I am a soul who am eternally related with Krishna and I am on a journey to Krishna so while I am on the journey to Krishna I have to I have to form relationships while I am here in this world with others at the same time ultimately I am alone so this philosophical understanding has to come in and if some people may have more emotional needs but if somebody has more emotional needs then from their side they have to recognise that this is not very healthy for me because this can make me excessively dependent on others and that other person if they want they can manipulate me by making me feel bad, they can make me do bad things so we don't want to be manipulated by others so somebody who has a high level of emotional dependency they have to recognise that that is not so healthy and they have to try to decrease that so decreasing can be done in two ways one is through greater philosophical understanding that even if they don't feel so connected to philosophy but at least basics you understand that that there are some things in life which we just have to stop caring about we can't let what anything that anyone says affect us so much bhakti is about developing a tender heart but to practise bhakti in this world we not only have to develop a tender heart we also have to cover that tender heart with a thick skin we need a thick skin so if we are very thin skinned that means someone just one small thing we get too disturbed by that so all of us have to whatever level we are at we have to thicken our skin a little bit that means I have to find out some activities by way philosophically I understand that this is unhealthy for me this level of emotional dependency is unhealthy for me then based on that understanding I try to decrease it as much as I can and the way to decrease it is by by trying to find out some engagements some ways of acting and functioning which give me fulfilment without a need without a dependence on external validation a brahmana for example is an intellectual and a brahmana loves to study and loves to share that knowledge naturally if somebody is brahmanical when they share the knowledge if others appreciate that knowledge they will be happy because yes what I was sharing is appreciated by others but a brahmana is such a person that even if nobody there is nobody to hear the knowledge that they are speaking still they will study because that study itself gives them satisfaction so now by this definition we can say none of us are brahmanas most of us study because we have to speak that's how we are we come from a rajasic background but we can find out are there any activities doing that activity itself gives me satisfaction there are devotees who just do deity worship for years and they don't really care who knows that I am doing so much deity worship naturally there is a human need for appreciation if somebody appreciates that's nice but just the activity itself gives satisfaction so we have to find what that activity is where the need for reciprocation is not so much absorption in the activity itself gives satisfaction so once we find that that will fulfil some of our needs without us needing someone else we do naturally need appreciation from others but that's not the driving force that's not the sole driving force just the connection which we say this is what I love to do so finding some activity which we can absorb ourselves in that is important and secondly if a person has a lot of emotional needs it is good for them to also find out someone who is of that nature even if there is one person like that it makes a big difference so within the devotee community there are devotees of different natures and we have various relationships which work in various ways so we can in a traditional family setting people when they had joint families the different needs were taken care of by different people you go to something for your mother, you go to something for your grandmother you go for something to your cousin you go for something to your sibling we have different needs are taken care of by different relationships now when we have nuclear families what happens is that all those needs are taken care of by different people we expect it all from one person our spouse if that's the major family that we have it's just too much pressure on that relationship that's why if we are a part of a community where the community becomes like a greater family and some of our emotional needs are taken care by other relationships in the community that also helps us to fulfil our needs in a way we have to of course take care and fulfil the needs in a way that is dharmic, in a way that is conducive for our devotional life but try to find even one relationship like that where our emotional needs are addressed and then nurturing that relationship now some relationships may be easily developed in the sense that we work together, we do services together, we live close by and that's why we have relationships but some relationships may require some work we don't get to meet together but still if there is a lot of bonding that happens in a particular relationship we take the time to spend we make the effort to find the time to make the time and spend time together I am more of an intellectual nature so there are a few devotees in different parts of the world who I have bonded with so then once I bond with those devotees even if I don't get to meet them sometimes I meet them once a year but then nowadays with technology, with social media we talk regularly, we discuss various things bounce off our ideas and that devotee is a writer I am a writer then we make time to spend time together whatever so if we find that a particular relationship is addressing our particular need then we may have to take the time to develop that relationship it's often relationships like trees we have to water them initially and then they will shelter us eventually but if we don't water them this is so small, there is no shelter over here we never water it so both ways, by finding and absorbing service and by finding some connection some relationship which takes care of our particular emotional need that emotional dependency can be addressed any other questions? yes ok so if we have faced neglect in a particular relationship then whether it's a knowing or unknowing, intentional or unintentional, what should we do in that situation? yes you know emotional health means that we don't have negative emotions clogging the channel of our consciousness towards Krishna when water is flowing along a particular channel, if something is blocking it, water cannot flow like that, sometimes emotional issues they block the channel of our consciousness when I come in front of the deities and I'm trying to pray but I'm thinking, why did this devotee do like that? why did this happen? so now if this is blocking then we have to deal with the blockage so normally what can be done? in every relationship there are three aspects I am there, the other person is there and the interaction is there so now in some cases just the interaction is the problem some cases the other person is the problem, some cases I am the problem that means say like somebody would say are you angry with me? you didn't smile at me at that time well, I just caught in my thoughts so I forgot about it I'm sorry there was something wrong in the interaction it was very circumstantial, that's how it happened don't take it so seriously that's one thing, but the other could be that something is wrong with that person that means either that person is angry with me and is deliberately neglecting me or that person has a nature by which they are not sensitive to such nuances and they just neglect so either way we may have to address it so generally when addressing issues like this it's best to function in the mode of goodness that means separate I talked earlier about the mode of goodness in the retreat I mentioned that it means to separate the emotion from the action emotion from the situation instead of saying you are so uncaring you are so neglectful rather than saying that start with the fact when you did not come on time or when you arrived late or when you forgot to get this I felt very upset because this was so important for me, so we start with facts, we don't deny our feelings, we don't minimise our feelings but basically as I said in the interaction there is the action that happened there is the feeling that I experienced and there is the judgement I made about the other person my judgement is that this person is so uncaring whenever we have to address emotional issues, sometimes or not sometimes, frequently we start with the judgement you are so irresponsible you are so forgetful, you are so insensitive as soon as label comes on anyone they just can't digest it they become defensive and then both people start fighting you are like this, no I am not like that you are so insensitive I did this, this, this how can I be insensitive you did not do this, this, this and it becomes like a war where the issue is forgotten so instead of, we may our mind may come up with some label based on certain behaviour but if we have to communicate start, never start with the label, in fact as far as possible don't bring in the label only start with the fact start with the action, start with the situation and then we can tell our emotion and then after that we can tell the reason for the emotion so start with the action tell the emotion and that is the reason for the emotion so then you didn't come for the programme I felt angry because you had an important service in the programme I didn't know who will do that service whatever it is so this way when we communicate in the mode of goodness then that person at least understands what, where we are coming from why we are feeling the way we are feeling and then based on their response we can appropriately choose sometimes they may even after we present the facts they just don't understand then we have to understand that this is the way this person is they can also try to change nobody normally wants, especially in close relationships nobody wants to intentionally hurt another person sometimes we may do something which we know hurt the other person but we do it because of some pettiness you hurt me last time, I will hurt you now but there is no malevolence over there we don't wish ill on the other person it's just that that time the negativity may spurt out so if we express ourselves clearly, non-judgementally then I didn't know it was so important for you so important, I will take care of it in future so then that way we can overcome that feeling of neglect or we can give the person information by which they can overcome the feeling of neglect sometimes two different people just have two different considerations of what is important the thing may be very important for person A but for person B it's not that important but then if person A says this is so important for me, why it is so important then person B can adjust and take care of it so then if they change that's good then the neglect can be addressed that way we see in the past time of Dhruv Maharaj because Maharaj Uttanapad was so infatuated with Suruchi that he did not realise the impact that his neglect was going to have on Dhruv but later on when Dhruv left he left home and went away then Uttanapad realised the gravity of what he had done and he started lamenting, what have I done that Narad Muni came and he told him that your son is going to do something illustrious, he is going to become a great devotee and he will come back soon so he pacified him but basically the point is that he realised the gravity of his neglect after sometime then some action happened some consequence of that action came up so sometimes that is the way people learn now the neglect it has some consequence then they learn it but it is better to learn through communication than through consequence now this is where the other person so first is the incidental neglect, circumstantial that we don't have to take so seriously something is because that person is desensitised then we have to make them sensitised to that situation, but if they are just not ready to be sensitised then we have to decrease our expectation Bhaktena Thakur gives a definition of humility which is extremely difficult to apply but it can give us a pointer in which to move forward, he says humility means to have no expectation from anyone humility means to have no expectation from anyone it's very difficult to live in that way, but we can see that ok, it is not this person is like this, but I didn't have this expectation from them let's see how we can function in other ways that person may be doing some other things but this thing just doesn't register in them then we have to adjust ourselves so we need to feel valued, cared but from where that will come sometimes we may expect a particular way of being valued or cared for from a particular person but just because it doesn't come from that person doesn't mean that person doesn't value or care for us it's just that they may be valued and caring in a different way so we have to learn to appreciate the way they are valued and caring and if we need value and caring in some other way, we have to find out within the broader devotee community from some other devotees we may get that so we have to if we feel neglected we have to address that and addressing that is our responsibility it is not the other person's responsibility yes, the other person can and ideally speaking should do something to address it but if they don't do, what can I do? I cannot let myself become a victim of someone else's neglect so if somebody is neglectful, then I have to do what it takes to have my needs addressed so that I can move towards the question so we have to take responsibility for our emotional health and say like somebody has got an infectious disease in our family or in our immediate vicinity they have got that disease but I can't say you have that disease that's your problem well, yes, if I can help you cure that disease, that's fine but at least I have to take care that I don't get that infectious disease and similarly taking care of our physical health is our responsibility without our necessarily judging someone that you are sick and you are giving me your bad health but similarly our emotional health is our responsibility and we have to see how we can take care of it that's your question any other questions? yes yes if while opening up with someone we feel judged then what should we do? yes that revealing our heart and confidence and hearing another reveal their heart and confidence that is one of the two of the six-fold loving exchanges that Rupa Goswami talks about in the Bhakti Rasamritham in the Upadesha Amrit, Nectar of Instruction so now we have to understand that we have to find the right people for doing the sharing of the heart it's like with respect to Prasad I may cook a I may cook a very delicious sweet and I may offer it to someone but that person has diabetes then that person will have to say no, and I cannot see that as a personal rejection no, I have diabetes, I can't take it so that reciprocation of cooking some sweet and offering that is the reciprocation of love but it has to be done with the right person if I do it with the wrong person, it will not work similarly giving gifts, taking gifts no, if we give a precious maybe a jewel from the altar to a child and a child loses it, so give this jewel okay, I lost it you cannot give it to them so just as the other two interactions giving and receiving gifts and giving and receiving prasadam, that has to be done with the right person similarly, sharing our heart has to be done with the right person so if if you know if a woman is alone at home and someone knocks on the door and she may first look to the people, who is there look to the security camera or if there is a chain, open the door a little bit and see who is there it's a familiar person, then they open the door fully and let them in, otherwise they don't let them in so that's the basic security for one's own protection similarly we cannot open the door of our heart suddenly to anyone we may speak some small point and see their response and feel that they are judging then we decide I can't open the door over here that doesn't mean we never open the door but we have to find out with whom I can open the door and I speak you know I felt so hurt when that devotee spoke like this don't be so sentimental somebody is saying that, they are not just understanding it and that's fine that's just the way they are I can't open up with them so we have to find out with whom we can open in a way that we won't be judged anymore now we can't expect and we shouldn't expect that that other persons will simply pamper and help us rationalise what to do if there is something wrong, that person has to tell it and you have to accept me the way I am and this is the way I am going to stay we have to accept each other for the way we are but we can't accept that this is the way I am going to stay we all have to have some willingness to change willingness to become better so there is judging and there is discriminating the word discrimination has a lot of negative connotation nowadays like we have Asian discrimination gender discrimination so I prefer the word discerning discerning so some discerning has to be done so if we share our heart with someone and that person discerns you should not have acted this way or this is what you could have done in this time this was right, this was wrong that can be done in an educational way it can be done in a judgemental way judgemental way means what happens is, that person equates us with the behaviour you are so lazy you are so this, you are so that but discerning means you separate the person from the behaviour but at the same time tell, this behaviour is not right and this is what you can do to correct it so we have to open our hearts it's a responsibility to open our hearts so that we can get guidance it's also our responsibility to find out with whom I can open the heart and for that we have to test the pulse a little bit open the heart a little bit and once we find out the right person then we can open our heart thank you very much do we continue or do we have kirtan now continue are there any other questions thank you very much Shri Prabhupada Ki Jai Gaur Bhakta Vrinda Ki Jai Hare Krishna.