Fear of Missing Out FOMO Why What to do The Monk’s Podcast 139 with Shyamananda Prabhu
So, thank you very much So, I thought we could discuss on a topic which you had mentioned today FOMO, the fear of missing out.
Maybe you can start, you can lead the discussion today and I'll try to follow All right I'll be very candid with our viewers, our audience that This comes in the category of some kind of Fashionable stylish Acronyms which Kind of come in vogue and then some people say it exists, some people say it doesn't In one of my trying to get some notes. I stumbled across a Guardian UK Page which had FOMO on it and I was surprised that almost 60-70 people responded Guardian UK had sometimes 1,000 plus comments or 5,000 comments on certain political things like Brexit or England's performance at the European Championship or Boris Johnson's policies or whatever or India's COVID response. Sometimes it's very heated discussion FOMO seems to be not so much of a problem and with typical British flair and British sarcasm some are saying Just move out of social media Somebody's saying I have a I have a wood wood fired iPod and I have a Nest of pigeons on steam so This is the sarcasm intended that if you feel that this is Not your cup of tea or this is there is too much heat in the kitchen move out So, I'll just make a brief kind of a foundational premise It's just quickly yeah now before we started this question I checked out on my dictionaries I have an offline dictionary where FOMO is not there Okay, but I look at it gave some some of the supplementary features are acronyms idioms and encyclopaedia So in all of them it is there Yes, and the broad meaning is that the worry that one may miss an enjoyable activity especially due to the fact That one often sees others documenting such activities on social media Okay That means the more we see others in this activity the more we will miss them If you don't see them, then we won't miss them at all That's interesting way of looking at it Okay might not say that this is the fear of This is a feeling or participant of perception, I'm sorry that others are having more fun Facebook and Instagram are the favourite whipping boys.
So to say that they exacerbate the problem they increase the problem and This is one thing which we may touch upon that social media is meant for connectivity is meant for making friends made for greater degree greater Latitude for communication but then it Actually increases these negative things so It is not just the sense that there might be better things you could be doing at the moment It is a feeling that you are missing out on something fundamentally important that others are experiencing right now So it could be the bogeyman it could be a imagination But then it is there so 2007 or 8 it was coined or something like that. So now it is 13-14 years. So FOMO could be something today on the vein or whatever But how do we I'll begin with this decision by saying that an average teen or somebody who had just Come into the social media world.
You come that you want to have friends. You want to have fun so How Much it could be a shock for someone that rather than getting more friends more connectivity and more communication I End up by being more lonely. I end up being more sadder than what I am and add to that this thing of I Think somebody could be having more fun.
Somebody could be leading better lives than me So any thoughts on that yeah, so it's a it's a classic example, I would say of a Artificially created demand ending up with the real distress In a sense that One of the challenges with social media in general is that We often see others at their best or at least others portray their lives at the best Yes, and as compared to that we experience our life at its full breadth Some of it might be good. Some of it can be terrible and most of it is in one sense boring so Given that situation it is just natural for People to feel that they are they are not having all the fun. They could be having and That leads to This problem and especially with respect to social media.
I fear that the problem might be worse than what it needs to be with because There is a time when people are especially insecure Vulnerable I would say it's in the teenage years when one is struggling out trying to form one's identity at that time What the world thinks about us is so important so now this is specifically FOMO is we could say where We see others doing enjoyable things We feel that I should also be doing those things and why am I not doing those things? so So We could analyse this in first of all that that conception of enjoyment is created propagated and Then the absence of that enjoyment is felt all the more What is that Bhagavatam verse that Kurvan Dukha Pratikaram Sukhvan Manyate Gruhi So it's like we create a distress for ourselves By exposing ourselves to some things and then we if we get relief from that distress. Oh, I didn't miss out on this I was a part of this It's that those are my thoughts All right So Generally the temptation today is to see if something is related to Facebook Instagram Snapchat Clubhouse or that kind of social media usage Then one easy solution is just to just don't do that hmm, just don't go there and This kind of rings a bell where Drug addiction was approached during the Ronald Reagan era by his wife Nancy Reagan just say no and this was a American government a US federal budget supported initiative just say no and stickers and badges and slogans and Flags and festoons made and then they realise that just by saying no There is no Actual it doesn't happen like that in real life by just saying no We study Bhagavad Gita we understand that If the gross senses are saying no, but if the mind is dwelling on those things Then there is no actual question of negation And therefore unless there is some kind of Understanding that Envy of others jealousy of others trying to really understand whether somebody's actually happy or Their Instagram posts and Facebook posts are showing them happy Hmm so a little funny thing that one person told me that Let's say husband wife and two daughters So Planning a vacation itself was a stressful thing now they stay in a European country. So what could be a What could be a good Choice for vacation so that took few days and then Flight cancellation and so many other things and flight landing a bit late The hotel room not exactly to their liking what was shown in the brochure didn't turn out like that and then at the beach It was not that glamorous as they see in some Promo videos and again some other issues And Family not agreeing on what to do at a particular time and somehow after three days they come back and Friend says that Actually, I was relieved that I came back So rather than you getting feelings that the vacation was very nice or refreshing or something You just feel relieved that at least it's over Now when they decide to put all their pictures on social media and Then they get Reaction from friends like wow You really seem to be enjoying How nice to see all four of you together, you know in our family doesn't happen like that or here doesn't happen like that And actually he said when we saw the pictures and we saw the reactions We actually said we must have had a good time So this is a strange thing happening, of course, this is not exactly related to FOMO.
FOMO is where The other persons must be experiencing well this fellow managed to get this extra day connected to the weekend and How nice of them and how so the reality is completely different the Family who went there they could rate on a scale of 0 to 10 something like 4.5 or 4.7 but public reaction makes it 8.7 or 9.5 or something and then they start thinking all must we must have happened happy So in today's culture Even when you are enjoying something you are not there You need to be reminded later What is the evidence that you are happy this particular photo shows? You are you look very happy here and then the person said oh, yeah, actually actually I was happy. Yeah Yeah, so why should I be sad today? I should be happy. Oh, yes.
Yes So, I think two days ago you were discussing something about somebody calling this the attention economy So some people call it the clickbait economy or the attention economy when everything is dependent upon My social media appearance somebody else's social media appearance It is hardly Difficult to understand that There will be something of a phenomenon where There is a sale for apparel clothing. There is a sale for jewellery. There's a sale for electronic gadgets what you are saying if I understand right now is that it is a acute problem faced by a Particular demographic which is excessive which itself is excessively hooked to the social media and which is also Targeted by the corporate world today So where the economy is measured in terms of attention attention and how attention can be retained so that's what both the psychology of the people and We could say the psychology of the marketers Both combined to create this Problem Yes, this fear of missing out is somewhat discounted by Maybe the elderly demographic 40-45 plus saying that well, if I don't want social media, I just log out I Just switch off What's the big deal about that? True I suspect here that It's not like just because you're above 40 you already have some self-control But just to be a bit objective.
This is something which I found that what are the habits of Like how much have marketers? Been successful in Giving these kind of habits to people today So let me just come to this note of mine as to Okay, it is something interesting now, this is just one country and that to about five six years ago this big Survey was done. I think it may resonate with Most of the other countries And I'm not talking about this first world or second world or third world like that 98% It begins with 35% of Facebook users are below the age of 25 Which is a big chunk 98% of them Use their application on smartphones only so sometimes they only like me I could be seeing my Facebook page on a desktop, but In today's times 98% of this younger crowd Check social media on their smartphones alone 90% check their phone when they wake up It means the first thing you do as soon as you are awake In the so-called real world you are you are online 87% on public transport. So even if you feel like you are going somewhere like previously the Self-help motivation speakers would say that use your commuting time for development Read a good book or you can't read so at least take your audio book with you Or if somebody has done some research or homework then you or a businessman may Just make a mental note of something speak it in his private sound recorder and Hear it himself while in commute.
So commuting time was seen as Time which is available and which should not be Misutilized but now that also has been taken over by social media 84% while watching TV. Oh That means even Entertaining yourself, you're not properly enlightening yourself. You're simply being Crushed as in India.
We have this you see the sugarcane press which Old style rural India. They just hand cranked Sugarcane press when you just put one sugarcane stop from one end and comes out the other and the juice is being extracted So social media seems to be doing something like that to the to the mind Yes, so so One person is saying that this is a great uncontrolled experiment on kids It's a it's a great Uncontrolled experiment on kids. So so what does what does FOMO can do in terms of tangible damage Decreasing personal privacy increase detachment from friends and family increased feelings of loneliness, which is now a Epidemic almost Accepted disease at least UK and Japan have a ministry for combating loneliness and dissatisfaction with one's life so all are These all are the fundamental drivers of The negative consequences of FOMO and these in turn are related to and significantly aggravate Like this is something where I feel lonely I am detached I am dissatisfied so the negativity is Is restricted to my own body and mind But then It aggravates increased unfair judgement of others Whether it is on the basis of race community skin colour political views And that's why we see this rash of so-called TV shows Which proclaim to be having some discussion, but it's mostly below the belt hitting What do you mean by below the belt? Hitting below the belt.
That means it's not exactly for a dialogue Understanding the ramifications of a particular political decision. It is just Like what we call in Sanskrit VITANDA Just arguing for the sake of arguing Okay, and then change in personality paranoia jealousy and finally Which could be very consequential for our students or those who are studying A significant decrease in concentration levels So we may see in FOMO is just like oh this person is just Feeling that I am just left out but these are the things so I'm sure we're not going to take all these Negative things and Addressing them in our talk today So where would you like to proceed now? now Maybe I'll just start with a slightly contrarian perspective. Okay that see just because somebody is is constantly on their devices Doesn't necessarily mean That they are controlled by their devices or they are addicted because My understanding is it also depends on one's own Self-centred not not self-centred in the how much one is centred on oneself grounded in oneself so Could you elaborate that on a little bit? Yeah, that means say let's take somebody Picking up the phone the first thing in the morning now I'm not sure always that's a bad thing Somebody pick up a phone to read a bhagavad-gita verse Some people many authors they feel that their creativity is maximum in the subliminal zone between the Between full wakefulness and complete sleep.
That means as soon as you wake up. You just want to concentrate on something which yeah Speak something out and maybe record that So I know some authors At least I read this writing book is that first thing you do when you wake up If you feel your writing is not moving forward Just keep your laptop next to you and write down for 15 minutes. Whatever comes in your brain So at least on your day, you will feel that you did something in your writing direction so So just the external activity of picking up a phone As the first thing in the morning that may not necessarily mean a bad thing.
Now, of course, I agree Let's say the number of people doing this Maybe only 10% or 5% and the others might be compulsively controlled by the devices and that may be 90% also But to some extent I find it helpful to consider that sattva, rajas and tamas The sattva doesn't just like it's not that just by living in a village Somebody will be in sattva Can be disconnected from technology and still be in tamas Hmm they may be alcoholics or they may just wasting their lives Doing various things doing nothing practically And somebody can be in sattva. It's difficult but I feel that sometimes just as at a physical level we might We might presume That a person living in a city is in passion or ignorance and a person living in a village is in goodness similarly My understanding would be that it's not so much how much somebody is Is using technology Or but or but what are they doing with the technology? so And that and that's where I think your earlier point about that uncontrolled experiment on kids see the A person at the age of 35 40 even 50 Even if they are they are hooked on to devices Now, it's unlikely that they will get into something like video gaming addiction They already gone through their lives And they will use it and they may use it well also, of course anybody can get addicted But I feel that gen that time when the hormones are rising When already one sense of self-worth is one is actually searching for a sense of self-identity that those teenage years that is the time when the effect of the social media And effect of device usage Can be quite damaging So that was one one thing I wanted to just qualify that Rather than just focussing on the frequency of the usage It is the nature of the usage we could also consider And the other point I felt is that You want to comment on this? Can I give a contrarian view to the contrarian view? Yeah, please I also heard i'm also a student of this understanding that Creative writing one of my favourite kind of hobbies And you just write free, right? we have authors like Natalie goldberg who teaches in her books Then julia cameron about the first three pages morning three pages So one person said I forget who the author is like just because somebody's scratching his head doesn't mean he's thinking Oh god, beautiful but Normally people who think do scratch their heads occasionally It may not be universal trait or somebody's pensive and he has his like this so Oh, he's thinking like that Sculpture famous sculpture of maury rodin the person the thinker very famous one so There has to be some training in thinking Then you may scratch your head. You may not scratch your head, but some thinking may go on So similarly i'm beautifully put.
So here i'm seeing that As early as 2013 psychologists are trying to understand how to define formu so It's like a pervasive apprehension. You have this negative feeling that Others are having very rewarding experiences in life The first part is Others would be everybody else or at least those That group Of which I am a part of or whom i'm seeing around me. They are having a very rewarding life And I don't and Other part is the desire to stay continually connected to what others are doing So if if a majority of your friends are on vacation and you are not And you have a very good reason You have an important examination coming on you have a job interview.
You have something else in life to look after Or you have decided to give importance to spiritual Part of your life But then people are saying oh no, we are going for this vacation or this celebration or whatever. So that time formu can be a very Uh debilitating experience for the mind So Every person even from the material point of view they have given up on something In order to achieve something Like Thomas Alva Edison this famous quote that his assistant moaned that 10,000 substances and we are still not able to find out which combination works for this incandescent Pulp so he says no, no, no, we're not we're not having 10,000 failures. We know 10,000 combinations don't work something like that So, how are you connecting that with formal? So that so so that is at the price of giving up so many other social engagements Is it not? Okay so Like top story writing 15 times or something.
He ended the ending of war and peace And he said like every time it was a painful experience that Whether this one fits. No, no, there's something else. There's something else.
There's something else so obviously Good creative things they come at a price but today what is happening with the generation we have uh this study also found That FOMO is particularly prevalent among young males and These people are scoring low on satisfaction of basic psychological needs like autonomy competence relatedness to other people or other things in life So when you have lower levels of life satisfaction low positivity and Very interesting. So these high FOMO young male group These are more likely to use social media Immediately before sleep immediately upon waking During both meals and even during university lectures Okay, you know at one time I was looking at Uh, how does one define addiction? So now for example, some people say that I got a food addiction So psychologists debate whether you can actually call food an addiction Because say unlike alcohol alcohol, you don't have to drink it at all drugs. You don't have to take them at all So food is something which you have to take So with some can something which is a necessity become an addiction or is it only something which is a uh, which is a which is a non necessity that can be called as addiction So some people who are addiction experts They are a little uh, what do you say? concerned about the indiscriminate use of the word addiction because they feel that that will Devalue the gravity of the problem addiction where it is really present But why I was telling this is that actually Even with respect to the problem of Net usage or anything they talk about three things that There is a constant craving to do something and then there is a Lack of control in not doing it And then there is the thing called three c's craving uh control absence of control controllessness you could say and then third is Unmindfulness of consequences Even if one knows this is leading me to problems still one just can't stop it so if you take that typography, I think it's a reasonable inference to say that There are a lot of people who can have problems with excessive usage Yeah, so So you're uh Part of finding solutions or we have Yeah, so just to clarify your contrary to contrarian to contrarian point was that that actually Even when somebody says i'm going to use it in a regulated way Uh are is that person trained with the resources to use it in a regulated way otherwise Yeah, I think that's also the problem with that philosophy which say drink but don't get drunk Is it something like that? Oh, yeah, I mean many people say that because in the western culture Drinking is quite common It's just a part of the mainstream culture And even there also they know that alcoholism is an issue So they say that I think it is uh Is it Jehovah's witness or one of the christian churches? They say yeah drink, but don't get drunk So The problem is that Once one gets habituated to it it may go out of control So, yes with respect to solutions, I think you hinted at that that One needs at level one some some training just You know It's scratching or not not scratching the head alone, but knowing how to think is required So what are your thoughts about solutions? I have come across Maybe a cross-section of psychological health sites So they come with the classic What is that alcoholic anonymous is 12 steps First is admit that you have a problem Okay So you feel like you are missing out you feel others are having more fun You feel others are having a rich and rewarding experience now the The truth may be very well something very different somebody missing out on a picnic Because of an exam or whatever could be studying and thinking about the friends having Nice time at the beach or at a walking trail or whatever and those at the beach could be very well miserable because You know that famous story once Radhanath Maharaj told about some Eels or some kind of a fish which uses sort of a small electric current and So the whole group of devotees had Planned to take a nice summer plunge in the sea have some nice Have a nice tea bath and then come and have nice lunch And then they were told that Oh, no this part of the sea because it is vacant because of the danger of this kind of eels swimming here And then they went to A nice spot where they could have their lunch There was a swarm of bees so they could not be there So i'm not saying that this will happen universally to everybody but chances are that Those very friends who according to you are having a rich and rewarding experience And you are feeling miserable.
Some of them could be thinking that Look at this person. He is He took such a nice decision, I mean He was very right in not coming here We came here, but we are so miserable so A is thinking that B and C and D are happy while B and C and D are thinking A is actually happy so You may actually have to Ponder if you really have a problem and the first step is accepting that you have a problem And What is the way out? Just A small dialogue with yourself. I cannot be everywhere at all times I cannot be always be doing the coolest thing ever I cannot be enjoying To the max all the time And psychologists are saying that just admitting accepting that you have anxiety It's like you are releasing your secret to the universe And the burden is off your shoulders There is insecurity you are acknowledging that but now at least you can recognise the pattern and deal with it So the first step is to Acknowledge that there is a situation where I am getting those kind of feelings Can you confirm that? It's beautiful so That means even the admission at one level admitting the problem is essential but Just indiscriminately publicising the problem is not necessarily healthy there has to be some level of Sometimes speaking about a problem helps us to find solutions and sometimes speaking about a problem can also make us What is the word? Identify oneself as a what is it? There's a adjective like a problem person Like if somebody has victimised us Then it's important that we don't start thinking of ourselves as a victim You know, one of the things which I read is that Technology can Can enormously empower those who have a purpose And technology can endlessly confuse those who don't have a purpose Yeah So in one sense I thought of correcting this 2.41 in the Gita like So technology can actually increase the Bahushakha Anant shakha literally it makes it endless Yes, and FOMO is a in one sense When I thought when I thought of FOMO for the first time it's like Ah in in something like in fearing the paths you are not taking In fear is not in being afraid that you are You are missing out on the roads that you are not travelling on you end up Actually not travelling on the roads you are travelling on I didn't get to see that place.
I didn't get to see that place But you don't see the scenery on the place that you are on so Can I give a graphic example for this? Yeah, please It's one of my favourites. You get six invitations for a party One has say Chinese food, Mexican, Thai, Marwadi, Gujarati, South Indian, Bombay chaat And you can go to only one So there is certainly and you may be a foodie you may like all of them So while enjoying your particular choice You also have a choice of being miserable because you are missing out on Those other items which you cannot get there So either you can enjoy what you have in your plate and the kind of ambience, association in that particular place or by Going there having that plate and still be miserable because you are not able to or you can be worrying about What if I had gone there? I would actually enjoy it a bit more So as you said you are on a journey but rather than Seeing outside the window and enjoying the scenery You are inward looking But inward looking not like a introspective sage but a person experiencing FOMO and then You switch on the projector screen in your mental theatre And all the mind will be telling all that the mind will tell you is You are losing out big time Everybody else is having a much rewarding experience and look at you Is that what you are hinting? Yes, definitely I mean that example of a eatable desert is very beautiful very practical also So that means that brings us to another point. We could say awareness of the problem when creating a sense of purpose Then another thing you could say is that Appreciating what we have appreciating the value of what we have And Prabhupada talks about this in the purport of the 1716 Austerity of the mind So mannaha prasad he says is that the more we contemplate on the sense objects the more dissatisfied we become So Therefore he says instead of contemplating the sense objects focus on connecting with focus on krishna Or focus on the scriptures stories in the scriptures satisfying stories in the scriptures And that's how you can become You can feel contented.
You can feel satisfied So so i'll just finish up my notes about the uh How to come back for more so one is the first thing is that you accept And two things one is the second part consists of as you rightly said uh becoming finding a purpose And that may come in the category of being mindful Of how you do even some mundane daily tasks another thing strongly recommended is A person who is always feeling that the universe is not giving me with what I deserve I am missing out. I am missing out It is kind to everybody else except me You are basically like a Automatic process becoming very self-centred And one of the strongest antidotes to that is being grateful for what you have Um, it is said that all those who cultivate gratitude They feel like giving more to others because you already feel I am already having much more and I can always share whether it is attention love affection resources, whatever The converse is true for somebody who's feeling that the universe is not looking after me properly So even when resources come by that person's way They're always seen as deficient and that deficiency makes him even more needy And the opposite is true for a grateful person Even if something little comes That person saying oh i'm getting more than what I deserve So not only his this positive mindset makes him Uh kind of resilient to absorb further or any other shocks And this kind of no gratitude mentality makes a person more vulnerable for other uh toxic mental attacks whether it is of jealousy envy or feeling low or outright right up to You can say depression Dementia, well dementia could be an ageing problem, but at least depression which could be Uh something which you can control or be to some extent true so Sorry I was thinking of another verse from the gita that aneka chitta vibhranta Moha jala samavrta Krishna is describing the asuri mentality. Yes 16 16 17 Uh, the consciousness is played in various directions So there also what Krishna says is ultimate solution Take some guidelines for living from scripture So in some ways I find that That starting with things which are doable Because sometimes this one is habituated to something It's like or fixated on something Trying to battle that can seem like a huge boulder to lift So sometimes one of the biggest problems with uh with any kind of compulsive behaviour Is not just that one can't control that behaviour One actually loses one's confidence in oneself that I can control anything at all So starting with something which may seem unrelated But is important say like say like taking meals at a fixed time Or having a broad broad pattern for waking up sleeping creating some kind of structure in one's life gives one some semblance of order So one of the things which uh, I have found helpful when I'm talking with people is that instead of telling people come to sattva Because it's not so easy for everybody to live sattvically But it's like create pockets of sattva in your day Try to have some measure of sattva.
So for example in our practises, we have the morning programme, which is Meant to be somewhat sattvic So if we create some kind of regulation That can be a beginning And then gradually as one starts, okay this I can do One gets one's self-confidence and once the self-confidence increase Then we can move forward towards Toward uh Toward tackling the bigger problems, which might seem So one extreme is to think that this is no problem and I don't have to bother about it at all And the other is that this is such a big problem. I can't do anything about it. So why bother about it? I just live with it So Would you like to summarise? So I thought that uh, so in discussing about FOMO today we focused on uh Broadly three aspects.
First is that how it's a serious problem for a especially young people where the problem is created by on one side their own psychological vulnerabilities because of their age as well as their the teenage phase of their life As well as the the environment Where the media is targeting and providing so many options Uh for so many promises of enjoyment and It's based on an illusion that what I don't have Or what others have is far more enjoyable than what I have when actually What they have is also not all that enjoyable. It's just an illusion that is created so then We talk about quasi contrarian and contrarian to contrarian view that Just because somebody using a device a lot doesn't mean that they are using they are using it destructively But It also doesn't mean that they are always using it constructively. So what is required is the some amount of training It's just scratch If a person is thinking they may scratch their head But just a person is scratching their head doesn't mean that they are thinking beautiful and then we talked about how a problem we can identify it is becoming serious when when There's a constant craving the lack of control and there is One doesn't stop even after getting consequences and then talk about solutions first is to Acknowledge the problem in a in a relatively safe environment so that One becomes aware and get some guidance Encouragement to deal with it And second would be having a sense of purpose Then that will give us knows what we are to do Then we can say no to other things and appreciating the value of what we are doing and what we have That also helps a lot and then creating Starting with self-control wherever we can begin And then gradually expanding it to other domains And I think one point which you might want to elaborate toward the end is How bhakti spirituality itself can help? Because in one sense all these are We could say universal spiritual or sattvic solutions bhakti spirituality can also give us say access to the the power of the supreme inside us And in that sense it can be a game changer If you can access the divine through the practise of bhakti Anything you want to add on that point just the last point of feeling grateful The more you are so actually appreciation and grateful.
I was saying the same thing. Okay But after feeling grateful really appreciating and being grateful for what we have So that's the example of I have a relishable eatable, but i'm simply looking at what others have And feeling dissatisfied Yes.