How can we avoid impulsive angry responses?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Krishna.
That’s how we can come back on Krishna. So, often we react impulsively. So, we understand the principle, but how do we apply the process? Yeah, I’ll take a metaphor of driving a car.
Sometimes the car may hit a bump, and then there’s a jerk because of that. If that is a road which we are regularly going through, then we know, okay, here’s a bump, let me go slowly, or let me maneuver around it. So, we anticipate.
Similarly, there are some people with whom our interaction can be bumpy. Oscar Wilde said that there are two kinds of people. Some people bring happiness where they go, and some people bring happiness when they go.
So, interacting with some people may be difficult for us. Talking with some people is like walking on landmines. What action of ours will cause an explosion, we just don’t know.
So, now, if we, by our past interactions, know that this person is like this, then that means we understand, I am walking on a bumpy road. So, we prepare in advance, go slowly, take small steps. The bump will hurt us much more when you’re going faster than when you’re going slower.
So, anticipation is very important in avoiding impulsive reactions. That means we look at ourselves and find out what situations are the times which provoke me. Now, whether that person is right or I am right, that’s not the right point.
What are the situations when this happens? And if I’m going to get into that situation, then slow down. No, don’t be so impulsive, don’t be so fast. Now, along with anticipation, the second thing is that generally our emotion is a function of our expectation.
That means if we have expected a person to do something and they don’t do it, we go angry. But if we know that that person is unreliable in a particular thing, then we won’t have that expectation. Here, there are some people, there’s a difference between people who are insensitive and people who are desensitized.
So, say, we want to talk with someone and say somebody wants to talk with me and they pat me on the shoulder. But suppose I have paralysis on the shoulder. I have no sensation.
They’re touching me, touching me. How rude! I’m touching you, why are you not looking at me? They just don’t get it. Because that person is not getting the sensation.
So, like that, some people, they are desensitized to certain things. So, for example, some people may be desensitized to punctuality. They just don’t realize the importance of coming on time.
Some people may be desensitized to cleanliness. Some people may be desensitized to courtesy. You greet them and they don’t see no reason on it.
I’m just giving extreme examples here. But it is not that they are deliberately being insensitive. Insensitive means that they just don’t care for emotion.
But desensitized means they don’t have that capacity only to care. So, the worst possible scenario is when we are super-sensitized to something and the other person is desensitized to it. So, we are very cleanliness conscious, say, and the other person, as soon as they enter the room, it’s as if a hurricane has come in that room.
What happened? So, then, at that time, if we tell them once, twice, thrice, and nothing happens, then you have to understand that this person is desensitized to it. He doesn’t have any expertise. Now, how to act practically, that you have to decide.
But expecting something from a person in an area where they are desensitized, that only sets us up for frustration. So, decrease the expectation based on understanding their nature. The third point would be that we need to also check ourselves.
That means, see, often the first wrong reaction is not as big of a problem as the second wrong reaction. That means what? That is, a snake has bitten me. So, I start running after the snake.
And then, suddenly, I realize, what am I doing? Actually, I’m running after the snake. I already run this much. Now, let me run full and I’ll beat the snake.
Sometimes, what happens when we do a wrong reaction, we realize that we reacted wrongly. But somehow, or something, we say, no, no, let’s do it fully. And you got angry, now get, give the full blast now.
No, there’s no need for that. As soon as we realize, stop. So, often, it is not the first mistake that is a problem.
Sometimes, the instinctive reaction is almost impossible to avoid. Somebody does something wrong, just instinctively, you know, things get clenched. We are avoid writers, we want to shout at them.
So, yes, a little reaction may come out. But as soon as we realize, stop. But sometimes, because we made a resolution that, no, I’m not going to get angry.
And then, if I get angry, now I got angry, let me get fully angry now. So, that’s how we aggravate the situation. So, rather than expecting perfect impulse control, whatever impulse control I get, let me work with that.
So, if we, again, with respect to, as I don’t have too much expectation from others, but we didn’t have too much expectation from others. Even if I, it’s like, if I take a wrong turn on a road, and I’m going a particular way, if I take a wrong turn, I can just beat, why did I take the wrong turn? Why did I take the wrong turn? Why did I take the wrong turn? Okay, you took a wrong turn, now take a right turn and come back. But if I’m just beating myself, why did I take the wrong turn, wrong turn? Why did I do that? Because I’m moving along further in the wrong direction.
So, physically, in travel, we would not keep moving along in the wrong direction. But emotionally, in our reactions, we keep doing that. So, as soon as we realize that it’s the wrong turn, we stop and correct ourselves.
So, also, if we have regular spiritual practices that situate ourselves in our spiritual identity, then we don’t feel so threatened by the other person, because we are having the security of spiritual self-understanding. When we are not rooted in that spiritual self-understanding, then when that other person does something wrong, it’s not just a mistake that they have committed, it’s more, we feel threatened by it. How? It means that they don’t respect me.
It means that I’m not respectable. I will show you how much respectable I am. I’ll show you how much power I have.
So, often, our aggressive reactions are expressions of our own insecurity, that we feel that we are not being respected. Now, yes, it’s not that we want to be disrespected. But simply, whether I am being respected or not, that is not the primary basis for acting in a particular situation.
Respect does not require relationships. But what is the right course to move forward in the situation? That should be a primary consideration. So, if we are situated in a spiritual self-understanding, then we won’t act out of insecurity.
We’ll act more maturely. And sometimes we may also act strongly. But we will do it not impulsively, but intelligently.