How can we best help a relative who is near death?
Bhagavatam-daily Podcast:
Question- If a relative is near death, how can we best help that person in that moment?
Answer- Three levels of help – pre-death, death and post death- can be offered to the person.
Essentially death means that the soul is going to leave the body and go to another body. That generally happens when the body is breaking down. The body’s breaking down is inevitable. There is a physical closure of the body that happens when one approaches death. The key is if we want to help ease the transition out of the body, emotional closure also has to happen along with the physical closure. Emotional closure means that the soul who is leaving the body needs to emotionally accept that “now I have to leave the body”. If emotional closure has not happened, then the soul stays very strongly attached to the body and the soul’s transition becomes more difficult and painful. We can help such a person in emotional closure by having the six fold loving exchanges.
This answer is based on the Vedic scriptures directly and the book ‘Ultimate Journey: Death and Dying in the World’s Major Religions’, edited by Satyaraja Das (Steven Rosen) which talks about the experience of death as it is understood in various religious traditions. In addition, the Bhaktivedanta hospital also has palliative care unit where they offer dying care to terminally ill patients and their relatives and I am grateful for the inputs of Ramsharan Das for this answer.
In the pre-death care, we can have an improvised version of the six fold loving exchanges which can assist the patient in emotional closure. What are the six fold loving exchanges? First is that we can express to that person how much we love him or her. Second is that we can also express our appreciation for how that person loved us. We are talking especially about loved ones here, because emotional closure is especially difficult if there is some strain in love. In a traditional Indian setting, if it is clear that death is near, many times people would go to a holy place like Kashi or Vrindavan. Also, before they would leave for the holy place, especially if they are from a village, most of the villagers would come to meet the person and touch his or her feet and would have final interactions with the person.
Third is that we seek forgiveness for any way in which we may have hurt that person. Fourth is – we also offer our forgiveness for any way in which that person might have hurt us. If that person is elder it may sometimes seem a little presumptuous to offer forgiveness, but in every close relationship there is always a possibility of being hurt, and it can be phrased appropriately, keeping the relationship in mind. This means we have positive feelings about our relationship and there are no hard feelings.
Further, since the transition is going to happen, it is important to convey how much we are going to miss that person – that that person had a place in our life which was very important and it is a hole that is not going to be filled very easily. This is the fifth loving exchange. This also creates a solace for the person that his or her life was valuable.
The last and sixth loving exchange is important and that is, whatever obligations or anxieties may be remaining for that person, we assure him that they will be taken care of. For example, if a man in the late middle ages is dying and his daughter is unmarried, then some relatives may offer to take care of the marriage of the daughter. Or if the person is worried about the distribution of inheritance among the sons, then if possible we can have the bank manager take care of the same or perhaps have statement drawn up from that person. Basically depending on the situation make sure that whatever anxieties the person has, those anxieties are removed. Because the sense of obligation is quite deep rooted, and as long as that feeling remains, it ties the person.
By emotional closure, we mean that whatever is tying that person to this body must be cut off. In normal circumstances i.e. when the individual is healthy, this is done by cutting philosophical instruction. However, at this point in time, usually when the person is clear that I am going to die and the person has more or less accepted that I am going to die, we have to bring about the emotional closure in a loving and soothing way.
Once these six things are done, then we can ask that person if he or she has any final unfulfilled desires – any specific things that they would like to have done. If possible we can assure that they will be done or an attempt to do them will be made. We can also ask the person if there is anything special that can be done at the time of his or her death.
Sometimes if a person is about to die, relatives may conceal this news from the person so that the person may be peaceful. But if death is inevitable it may be better to help the person accept it by informing that person. The person may sometimes say that they like a particular pastime of Krishna very much and would like to hear about the pastime. Or that they like a particular kirtan or bhajan very much and request this bhajan to be sung. The person may like a particular picture of the Lord very much and would like to have darshan of that picture of the Lord. So whatever that person would like to have as a setting at the time of death, one can arrange for that. Generally, at the time of death we should see that that person is in one sense the master i.e. we allow that person to choose what best setting to depart in. This is with respect to pre-death.
At the time of death, it is good to have as much spiritual paraphernalia as possible around the person. As far as sound vibration is concerned, we can have the Hare Krishna mahamantra in soft kirtans. Kirtans should always be soft – they should not jar the person. Sometimes people at the time of death are sensitive to sound and loud kirtans might disturb them. Usually, we recite the second chapter of the Bhagavad-gītā because it is considered to be the summary of the Gītā. From there onwards chapters 7 to 12 are recited. Beyond this Ganga jal should be made available and periodically dropped into the mouth of the person. It should be dropped in such a way that that doesn’t make the person feel uncomfortable. If tulsi is given to the person it should be placed carefully and not in such a way that the windpipe gets choked. There can be as much devotional art as possible around the person in the room. That way there is sound, taste, and sight. We try to spiritualise the input that is coming from all the senses. For sound we have the mahamantra and the Bhagavad-gītā ślokas. For the sight we have the pictures of the Lord, devotional art. For the taste we have tulsi and Ganga jal. For the smell and for the touch we can have the maha garland of the Lord. If Ganga jal is not available, any sacred river that is nearby, that water can also be brought in small quantity, properly distilled and made available for the person. If the maha garland from the nearby temple is possible that’s good otherwise even from one’s own altar the garland can be used. Flowers should be used in such a way that their aroma does not create any problem (e.g. the person may be allergic to flowers or smell etc.).
There are books which talk about how to help the person in the final stages specifically in terms of understanding how far one is from death. Hospice care is a well-developed science now. Sangita Mataji, a devotee in ISKCON, has written a book (The Final Journey – Complete Hospice Care for Departing Vaishnavas) on ministering to the dying. Other devotees have also written books, but this is a more hands on book since she has worked in this field.
We can understand the time of death and accordingly help the person and be available in a spiritual setting for that person at that time. When the moment of death occurs, it is a sobering moment but for that soul if the emotional closure has happened then that soul can depart with relatively much lesser anxiety or agitation. With the spiritual sound vibration all around it can be a very auspicious departure as well.
In our tradition there are several other factors which often may or may not be followed by people in today’s time. For example, for several days before death people decrease their intake of food – the idea is if there is more energy in the body, stronger is the strength, and the prāṇa stays strongly attached to the body. With the decrease of the intake of food, the bondage of the prāṇa to the body is lessened. The soul actually leaves with the prāṇa when it moves to the next destination. From the medical point of view, we have to examine what is best for each particular individual. Srila Prabhupada himself, during his final days, ate very little and only took caraṇāmṛta or little more than that for several days, weeks, months. He was of course at a very exalted state of consciousness and others cannot imitate him. But according to time, place and circumstance this is a principal which is observed that the less the bodily distraction, the bodily energy, the less is the chance of further struggle and attachment for staying in the body. Of course if for medical reasons for having the transition smoothly the doctors recommend food, then that is also a factor which should be considered properly. But praya-vrata is a very respected traditional vow where the person chooses to fast to death. When a person is meditating on higher spiritual truth and his having a higher spiritual purpose then praya-vrata is considered to be an auspicious way of leaving the body.
Beyond this, if the person has any specific pending issues with a particular person, or something like that then it is best if that person is called and the issue is resolved. Usually forgiveness is exchanged and this can help in emotional closure. There are cases reported of people who did not have emotional closure and they stayed on much longer than the doctor expected. Then when that particular relative with whom they had some estrangement visited, they had a talk and with this emotional closure, soon after the person left the body.
After the person has departed the relatives will naturally be grief struck. At this time, it is not the time for preaching but rather of commiseration – for showing emotional solidarity with the relatives. Grief that is expressed at that time should not be supressed. If somebody is crying, the tears at this time are often cleansing. Supressing these tears will be undesirable. The relatives can offer mutual support to each other. Let the expression of grief bring about a sense of closure even for the relatives. Although the memories of that person will stay and there will be a natural sense of deep loss, the tears by venting grief help to bring about a sense of closure. At this time there may be anger – anger towards destiny or even anger towards God. This anger should not be taken as a devotional disqualification or a wrong attitude. It should be understood as a sentiment that comes about because of the force of the moment. We see even Arjuna when he heard about the death of Abhimanyu, was devastated and then infuriated. He lashed out at his brothers saying – “what were you doing? Were all your weapons bangles that you could not protect my son?” Then he even turned towards Krishna and asked “Krishna you must have known what was happening to Abhimanyu, why didn’t you tell me?”. The Mahabharat does not consider this to be a moral defect. Krishna does not philosophically try to justify anything, Krishna just consoles Arjuna by being next to him and offering solidarity to him.
Overall by having a spiritual atmosphere (and not so much as spiritual philosophy) that offer a soothing experience and by having an emotional sense of closure for the departing person and for those around, the experience of death can be made as less agitating and as spiritually uplifting as possible.
Transcript
This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Hare Krishna question if a relative is near death how can we best help that person in that moment answer there can be three levels there is pre-death death and post death help that can be offered essentially death means that the soul is going to leave the body and go to another body and that it generally happens when the body is breaking down so the body is breaking down is inevitable there is a physical closure of the body that is happening now the key is if we want to help ease the transition out of the body there is emotional closure that has to happen emotional closure means that the soul who is leaving the body is to emotionally accept that now I have to leave the body and I am going to go so that if the emotional closure if it has not happened then the soul stays very strongly attached and it’s not just a matter of attachment in the negative sense it’s a matter of attachment in the sense that the soul’s transition becomes more difficult more painful so we can help that person in emotional closure by having the sixfold loving exchanges I am talking what I am talking is based on the Vedic scriptures along with that there is a book on death and dying which is edited by Satyaraj Prabhu Steven Rosen which talks about the experience of death as it is understood in the various religious traditions and then the Bhaktivedanta hospital also has palliative care unit where they offer dying care to terminally ill patients and their relatives so I am grateful to the inputs of Ramasharan Prabhu for this answer also so now in the pre-death care then we can have improvised version of the sixfold loving exchanges which can assist the patient in emotional closure that means what are the sixfold exchanges firstly we can express to that person how much we loved them, how much we are grateful how much we loved them basically and then we can also express our appreciation for how that person loved us and we are talking especially about the loud ones over here because emotional closure especially is difficult if one’s loud ones are not if there is some strain till now in traditional Indian village in traditional Indian setting many times people would go to a place like Kashi or Vrindavan or some other sacred place and then they would when it would be clear they would be not going to live and before they would go if they were from a village many of the villages most of the villages in fact would come to meet them and then they would touch their feet and they would have like final interactions with them so first is we express love for them and we express our experiences of how that person has loved us and second is we seek forgiveness for any ways in which we may have hurt that person and we also offer our forgiveness for any ways in which that person may have hurt us and that person is elder it may sometimes seem a little presumptuous to offer forgiveness but in every close relationship there can be hurts and it can be phrased appropriately with the with keeping the relationship in mind but basically that means we have positive feelings and there are no hard feelings these are the two aspects of emotional closure and further these two are important and we tell about how now that this transition is going to happen that person is going to go so how much we will miss that person that that person had a place in our life which is very important and it’s not a hole that is going to be filled very easily that also creates a sort of solace that my life was valuable so and then the last is important is that whatever obligations may be remaining whatever anxieties that person may have that they will be taken care of so for example if a if a man in the middle age late middle age is dying and his daughter is unmarried then some other relatives come and tell that we will take care of the marriage of the daughter or if the money is kept in the bank and how the money will be distributed among the sons there is some concern about that whether the bill has been signed properly then you get if possible get the bank manager or get a statement from that person so basically depending on situation make sure that the person whatever anxieties that person may have had those anxieties are removed because the sense of obligation is quite deep rooted and as long as that sense of obligation is there that sense of obligation ties the person now what we are saying by emotional closure is that whatever is tying that person to this body there is one way to cut it is by harsh philosophical by cutting philosophical instruction there is a time and place for that but at this point of time usually the person it is clear that I am going to die the person is more or less accepted now I am going to die so we have to bring about an emotional closure in a loving and soothing way and once this happens once these six things are done then we can ask that person if he or she has any final unfulfilled desires so any specific things which they would like to become they like to have done and if possible we can assure that they will be done or the attempt to do them will be done and then about is there anything special that can be done at the time of his or her death so sometimes if a person is about to die relatives may conceal that from the person so that the person may be peaceful but if that is inevitable and it may be better to help the person accept it to inform that person so that person may sometimes say that you know I like this particular pastime of Krishna very much so I would like to hear this pastime or I like this kirtan very much this particular bhajan very much so can you sing this bhajan or I would like this particular picture of the lord very much I would like to have darshan of that picture of the lord so whatever is the whatever that person would like to have as a setting at the time of death one can arrange for that generally we should see that at the time of death that person is in one sense the master so about everything else that person is losing control and we said the person is the master means we allow that person to choose what best setting to depart in now this is with respect to pre death at the time of death it is good to have as much spiritual paraphernalia as possible around the person so as far as sound vibration is concerned we can have the Hare Krishna Mahamantra going soft kirtans should be always soft they should not jar the person sometimes people at time of death are sensitive to sound and if loud kirtans are there that may disturb them and generally we recite the second chapter of the Bhagavad Gita because it is considered to be summary of the Gita and then from there onwards chapter 7 to 12 are recited now beyond this the Gangajal should always be as much possible be available and periodically that Gangajal can be dropped into the mouth and it should be dropped in such a way that the person doesn’t feel uncomfortable because of that Tulsi is brought, Tulsi should be brought because the person is very sick should be placed in the lips carefully and not in such a way that the windpipe gets choked and there can be as much devotional art as possible around the person in the room and that way there is sound, there is taste there is sight we try to spiritualize the input that are coming from all the senses, so through sound we have the Maha Mantra and we have the Bhagavata Shlokas, then for the sight we have the pictures of the Lord, devotional art and for the smell and for the taste so for the smell we have Tulsi and Gangajal for the taste we have Tulsi and Gangajal for the smell and for the touch we can have the Maha Garland of the Lord so now if Gangajal is not available, any sacred river which is nearby that water can also be brought in small quantity it can be properly distilled or whatever and then it can be made available for the person and if the Maha Garland from the nearby temple is possible, that’s good, otherwise even from one’s own altar the garland can be offered and the garland can be given and the flower should be used in such a way that even there aroma doesn’t create a problem an allergy or anything like that for the person and then with the soft kirtans going on there are there are books which talk about how to help the person in the final stages specifically in terms of understanding how far one is from death, so hospice care is a whole well developed science now and Sangeeta Mataji is a devotee who has written a book on ministry to the dying and there are now other devotees also have written book but this is a more hands on book because she has herself worked in this field and we can understand the time of death and accordingly help the person and be available in a spiritual setting for that person at that time now when the moment of death occurs at that time usually it is a sobering moment but for that soul if the emotional closure has happened then that soul can depart relatively with much lesser anxiety or agitation and the spiritual sound vibration all around it can be a very auspicious departure also so now often in the tradition there are several further factors which may or may not be followed by people in today’s time so for example for several days before death people decrease their intake of food so the idea is that the more energy there is in the body because of that the stronger is the strength with which the prana stays attached to the body so if the people decrease the input of food then the bondage of the prana to the body is lesser now the soul actually leaves with the prana when the soul goes to the next destination so now of course from the medical point of view we have to see what is best for that particular individual Srila Prabhupada himself we saw that he for a long for several days,weeks,months in fact he ate very little,would take charnamrut and little more than that during his final days so he was of course at a very exalted state of consciousness and others cannot imitate him but according to time and place circumstance this is a principle which is observed that the less the body is bodily distraction bodily energy the less is the chance of further struggle and attachment for staying in the body of course if for medical purposes for having the transition smoothly the doctors recommend food that is also a factor which should be considered properly but prayavrata is a respected traditional vow where a person chooses to fast to death so when one is meditating on higher spiritual truth and is having higher spiritual purpose then prayavrata is considered to be an auspicious way of leaving the body now beyond that if the person has any specific pending issues with a particular person or something like that then it is best if that person is called and the issue is resolved usual forgiveness are exchanged and then again that can help in the emotional closure there are cases reported of people who did not have emotional closure and they stayed on much longer than the doctor expected and then when that particular relative with whom they had some estrangement that person came they had a talk and the emotional closure soon after that the person left so essentially for us as devotees once the it is clear that physical closure is inevitable then the way we can help the soul is by facilitating emotional closure and by facilitating spiritual atmosphere so emotional closure means as I talked about the sixfold exchanges and spiritual atmosphere is what we talked about at time of death now after the person has departed then the relatives will naturally be grief struck and at that time it is not the time of preaching it is the time of commiseration of showing of showing emotional solidarity with the person and grief that is expressed at that time it should not be suppressed if somebody is crying let the tears at that time are often cleansing and suppressing those tears may be undesirable so the relatives or whoever can offer support at that time they can offer mutual support to each other and let the expression of grief bring about a sense of closure even for the relatives although the memories of the person will stay and there will be naturally the sense of deep loss because a loved one is lost but still the tears help to by venting out the grief help to bring about a sense of closure and at that time there may be anger anger towards destiny even anger towards God that should not be taken as a as a devotional disqualification or a wrong attitude but that should be understood as a sentiment that comes because of the force of the moment you see even Arjuna when he heard about the death of Abhimanyu he was devastated and then infuriated and he lashed out against his brother saying what were you doing are all your weapons bangles that you couldn’t protect my son and then he even turned towards Krishna and he said Krishna you must have known what was happening to Abhimanyu why didn’t you tell me so the Mahabharata does not consider this to be moral defect and Krishna does not philosophically try to justify anything Krishna just consoles Arjuna by being right next to him and by offering solidarity to him so overall by having a spiritual atmosphere not so much in terms of spiritual philosophy but spiritual vibrations and spiritual stimuli which offer a soothing experience and by having a emotional sense of closure for the person who is departing and for those around the experience of death can be made as less agitating and as more spiritually uplifting as possible thank you.
Great Krishna