​How can we not worry about people who create trouble for us?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
So, if we have some person who is irritable or creates trouble, and we can’t predict when that person is going to create trouble, so naturally we will worry about it. So, how can we avoid worrying at that time? See, in life, we can put our problems in three broad categories.
One is problems which you can directly solve, second is problems which you can indirectly solve, and third is problems which you can’t solve. So, problems which you can directly solve means, say, you know, if I wake up late every day, I put an alarm. They put two alarms.
You know, put one alarm close, one alarm far. So, that is, there are problems which are created by our own lack of discipline, lack of our self-control. These are problems which we can solve.
These are, we could say, direct action problems. The others are, you know, there are some people who behave in a negative way, in troubling way, and quite often it is the problem, we are also part of the problem. That means we behave in a short-tempered way, and they respond in a short-tempered way, and then it just goes on.
So, in this case, we can only indirectly affect their behavior. That means we try to avoid being short-tempered. We try to avoid being irritable.
And then, by our example, they will change. Now, third situation is where they are, there are certain situations which are just not changeable. Some people are just the way they are, and we have to live with that.
So, if some people are irritable, well, that is just the way they are, and maybe they will change in the future, but maybe they will not. Now, sometimes, if we just learn that, okay, this is how I have to, this is how this person is, and I have to live with this. Although it can seem disempowering, but actually it is relief-giving.
I don’t have unrealistic expectations. Tolerance means to call off our war with reality. War with reality means, why is it like this? Why is it like this? Well, it is like this.
This person is like this. So, now what happens is, if it’s a physical issue, say, if I get a disease because of which, because of which I have some physical limitation, then I accept it very easily. But, and if others also get limited in some way because of a disease, then we also accept it.
Okay, you know, that person got an accident, so they can’t walk around, or whatever, they lost their eyes. So, at that time, we accept they are going to have limitations. But, there are also like that psychological limitations.
So, just as some people may be physically weakened in some way because of past karma, sometimes people may be psychologically also weakened. So, that’s just the way they are. And once we accept it, then we can move forward in life.
Now, in some relationships, that person is so troublesome that we feel, I just cannot continue this, I cannot tolerate this. Then we may have to create some safe distance between us and them so that we are not so troubled by them. That is a practicality.
But, in the case of when it’s with respect to other people, we have to know that this is not anything I can do to change. This is not a direct action problem. It is either an indirect action problem or it is a no-solution problem.
So, as long as we expect that problem to get solved automatically, we set ourselves up for frustration because of unrealistic expectations. Just accept this is the way the person is and I have to live with this. Now, I have to live with this doesn’t mean that I passively accept it.
After I decide, okay, this is how I have to live, then I can decide. Okay, how can I deal with it? Maybe if we do it this way, then I may not have to interact so much with the person. Or this is what makes the person really explode.
So, we will avoid this situation. We can plan afterwards. So, just like here in winters, I was told it becomes freezing cold.
Now, if somebody has decided, okay, I want to emigrate to America, I want to be in America. There is no point in constantly complaining about the cold. Okay, if you can’t tolerate the cold, go back to India or wherever you have come from.
If you are going to be in America, then learn to live with it. You get warm clothes, we get good temperature insulation for our homes, whatever we do. So, you know, to some extent, physical problems, environmental problems, we understand that they are not in our control.
But somehow behavioral problems, we think that they are in our control. But Krishna says, people are conditioned. And they may just behave in particular ways.
Their nature may change, but it may take a long time. And so it’s best to accept that some people are going to be like this and then prepare to live with it. And after we prepare to live with it, we will ourselves find ways in which we can minimize the friction within that particular, between interactions with those people.
So, that way, if we can avoid the uncertainty and insecurity, if you understand that, okay, here, I can expect trouble in this relationship, on this particular interaction, then let me prepare for the trouble. It’s not a particularly encouraging answer. But sometimes the reality itself is that we can solve the problem only when we recognize the gravity of the problem.
So, some people are just like that. Having expectations that they will change only sets us up for frustration. So, better have no expectations.
Bhaktivinoda Thakur says in one article, Humility means having no expectations from anyone. Well, by that definition, none of us can ever be humble. But if we think of it in this way, we can also think that this is also helping me to develop a virtue.
So, that way, we can look at some things in a positive way. Does that answer your question? Any other questions?