How can we offer correction without committing offenses?

From Manoj P

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
some Hare Krishna question from Manoj Prabhu how should we criticize and correct others in such a way that we don’t offend them but benefit them answer the first and foremost rule is that we should not make ourselves as self appointed critics for others generally speaking even if we see somebody doing something wrong we should not think that it is our business to criticize them we should be thinking that our duty is to encourage others so if anybody does good appreciate them and if anybody does wrong if we are not connected in a spiritual relationship with them in the sense that they are not our counsellors or they are not very close friends to us or if we are not working professionally with them or in a service and if our relationship is just initial an initial relationship will normally be formal they will not be intimate so at that time in such a relationship it’s best never to criticize even if that person is doing something wrong now if that person is doing something wrong which is very seriously wrong which is going to harm that person or is going to harm others say for example somebody is wearing tilak and then smoking cigarettes then if we don’t have a close relationship we cannot tell that but then we should find out who that devotee is and tell that counsellor or some spiritual authority if we have a relationship with that person now that means there are two possibilities if we don’t have a relationship and if the mistake is not serious don’t criticize at all if the mistake is serious and if we don’t have a relationship don’t tell that person tell that person’s authority and let the authority decide when and how to tell that person and third is that we know that person and that person’s mistake or problematic behaviour is affecting other people and we have a relationship by which there is enough trust see we have to understand there is something called an emotional bank account every time we appreciate a person we are courteous to that person we invest in that bank account and every time we are discourteous every time we are rude every time we criticize we withdraw from that account so if we try to withdraw more from a bank than what we have invested then the bank will cut off our account so like that if we withdraw more from a person than what we have invested then the relationship gets strained and sometimes it can get broken also so in general when I say we have a good relationship means we should have invested adequately in the relationship by helping the person by appreciating the person by being courteous to that person and when we have done that then occasionally some criticism some correction will only act as a small withdrawal which will not jeopardize the relationship so at such times we can when it is required do it in a respectful way first and foremost if criticism is to be given it should never ever be given in public because if we give it in public it becomes a disgrace for that person and then the whole focus of that person shifts from trying to learn if there is an enquiry something is wrong and learn from it to try to defend oneself and then actually when the policy goes into defensive then even a nuclear bomb cannot explode it it becomes so tight nothing can change the mind of a person who has become defensive it is said a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still so that’s why we have to be very careful and when that we don’t force the person’s policy going to defensive and when will the policy go not being defensive when a person trusts that we are his relatives we are his or her friends whatever so then the person is not defensive but is open so that is the only situation when we can correct or criticize other situations we can tell some senior we should not tell that person directly in general now even when the situation is there and that that problem is affecting us then also when we want to correct rather than making a value judgment about a person we should state objective fact and the problem that comes from that if you say Prabhu you are so irresponsible this is a value judgment I am irresponsible how dare you say I am irresponsible person becomes angry but on the other hand you say Prabhu when you say that you will do this over this time and when you don’t do it it creates a lot of inconvenience for my service so now here what we have done instead of making a value judgment we have stated objective fact now when we are objective then what happens the person has room for agreement I did not do that secondly we are not making a statement about that person’s character we are telling the inconvenience that we faced because of this so by this the important thing that happens in general in a devotee community nobody wants to intentionally hurt others so that’s why if you find that somebody is being troubled by my behavior naturally I want to do something to correct that same applies to others also so that way if we take this is the objective action that happened and this was the result that happened on me therefore whenever you make a commitment can you please make sure that you stick to the commitment so this is a request which a person can stomach and digest much more easily then you are irresponsible when will you change yourself don’t you know that Prabhupada said that if we don’t take responsibility we will never make spiritual advancement so we should not convert we should not use a correction opportunity as a launching pad for preaching and certainly not preaching philosophy that will be maybe philosophically right but emotionally it is all wrong at that time if that person becomes open then surely we can share philosophy at that time and help the person but not right at the beginning banging things down so the whole point is that if a woman is alone at home and then some unfamiliar stranger knocks on the door then what does the woman do normally she will look through people is it a familiar person then if a person knocks then she may just open the door and there will be a chain and then she will look who is there and then if she knows it’s a relative then she will open the door so like that’s how people open their hearts to us first when they see us they are looking like a people who is this person, what does this person want and then gradually ok this person doesn’t seem to be a threatening person, they are ok person slightly the door opens and still there is a chain over there and if we speak one wrong word harsh attack the door will get closed but then when they see that they have a this is a reasonable person, nice person a good devotee, then the door opens more so like that we have to make sure that people’s hearts are open, the door to their heart is open and then whatever we are speaking can go to them, so in general even when we have to criticize, it’s good to speak something positive first, so you are a nice devotee, you do this nicely and not just for the sake of flattering, genuinely appreciate it, then we speak something which needs to be corrected and this is just a small thing, this is there are so many nice qualities in you and I appreciate you for that, so this plus minus plus is always a good way to correct tell something positive tell something positive it may not always be possible but always it’s possible to speak some encouraging words even if we don’t know something positive it’s very nice that you are practicing devotional service among so many people in the world you are among those few who are intelligent enough enthusiastic enough to practice devotional service, when you chant, you are often falling off asleep and you do not get the proper benefit from chanting, maybe when you feel sleepy instead of just going to sleep you can stand up or you can walk or you can wash your face, that way you can avoid sleeping, so we appreciate in the need of correction and a person doesn’t think that we are on a mission to find falsehood with that person, the person is not so defensive so that way we can cautiously give the correction cautiously, respectfully give the correction and another point is if a person is even after giving repeated corrections, repeating the same behavior then that means two possibilities are there either that person doesn’t want to correct or that person can’t correct but telling the same thing again and again is unlikely to change this ground reality then we can report to some senior devotee and tell them this is what is happening and don’t tell just the problem with that person but also tell the trouble we are facing because of it because this devotee doesn’t do that service then how can I do my service then you know that devotee may have some other issues because of which the senior devotee may not want to correct at that time then we can tell ok because of this I am facing this problem, what should I do then they can tell us ok maybe you can do service in some other department or maybe you don’t have to be on such a strict deadline if that person doesn’t do it on time then you can delay also a little bit they will offer some resolution generally if repeated criticism doesn’t help us resolve the problem or repeated reminders of something being wrong doesn’t correct the situation then it is best that we have a distance between the relationship just repeated criticism doesn’t solve the problem so better keep a distance at that time and when we shouldn’t be paranoid about committing offences it’s only when we have a we have some envy towards others, we have a bad feeling and we want to pull down others then it becomes an offence other times it is not an offence but just because it is not an offence doesn’t mean that we have a license to speak whatever we want to devotees, we have to be cautious we have to be respectable and we should speak it in a cultured way in private in a non-judgmental way stating objective facts and the inconveniences that we are facing and that way we will ensure that the relationship doesn’t get strained even when we offer criticism thank you