How can we offer criticism constructively?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

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so whenever there is criticism we always talk about how we should see criticism positively or be humble but what about those who give criticism yes I have a three part seminar on cultivating a non-judgmental attitude and what happens is that somehow after we become devotees we think that we know what is right and therefore we think we have a right and responsibility to criticize I know what is right and that is wrong and therefore I have to point it out it is my right to criticize, it is my responsibility to criticize now you know there is a major misunderstanding in this if we know the right we have a responsibility to tell what is right we have a responsibility to tell what is right now here all along first of all we are assuming that we are right isn’t it sometimes it may well be that we are criticizing someone because we are misunderstanding what they are doing so it is always good to give other person the benefit of the doubt so if I feel this person is doing like this why are they doing like this at that time it is what happens is based on our perception of a person our opinion of a person we ascribe certain intentions to their actions that means if I don’t like someone I see them eating a lot such a sense gratifier such a glutton if I like someone I see them eating a lot must have been hungry so the action is the same eating a lot but based on our opinion there is an entirely different attribution so what happens we may see some devotee doing something and we may criticize them why are they doing like this but you know when they are doing something do we really know why they are doing like that sometimes they may have a completely different take on things which we are not aware of so it is always good to give people the benefit of doubt instead of criticizing them first seek clarification once I was at Radha Gopinath temple there was a festival there was a feast I was talking with some people and by the time I came down I saw that the sweet was over so I was feeling a little bad, I will not get any sweet I was sitting down for prasad and then I saw one senior devotee sitting on the opposite side and his plate, I could see his sweet was there and sweet had been finished and then he was asking everyone do you have sweet, do you have sweet and I was thinking what is it, you already had one normally we have sweet in limited quantities and the devotees were telling no there is no sweet and one server said there is no sweet, second server do you have some sweet, do you have some sweet he was asking everyone it is such an embarrassing thing and then finally one of the servers, they had made their own plate and they brought sweet from their plate to give to him, I thought this is so shameless you already had one helping and you are taking somebody else’s helping and as that server was about to serve sweet in his plate he told no, not for me for him and he pointed to me so he was asking for sweet for me but I was thinking he was asking second helping for himself so you know, when we see a action, when we see somebody asking for sweet we see the action and we think they want it for themselves but they may be wanting it for someone else in time so first thing is even when we see somebody doing an action which seems odd, which seems objectionable rather than immediately ascribing some wrong intention to it it is best to give the benefit of the doubt and you know the difference between a judgmental devotee and a non-judgmental devotee is that a judgmental devotee talks about others, a non-judgmental devotee talks to others talks about others, you know he did like that, she did like that we tell the whole world what they did they talk about others but a non-judgmental devotee talks to others you know I saw this I couldn’t understand what was happening can you please explain, just go and clarify so then quite often you may find an explanation which is very different and the whole need for criticism will go so whenever we feel the urge to criticize, first thing is give the person the benefit of doubt and seek a clarification and that itself will avoid most of the criticism second is now we come to the level that person is wrong and we know they are wrong and we again if we are wrong we have to check whether it is our responsibility to correct it so I’ll talk about when it is not our responsibility but suppose assuming it is our responsibility now we are in a position of authority and then we have to correct so even then we have to know that there are two things there is knowing what is the right thing to do and second is feeling inspired to do the right thing when we are correcting others often we simply give the knowledge of what is the right thing to do but when that knowledge comes off as a criticism sounds as a judgmental thing then they may further become discouraged and they may just not feel like doing it so when we are meant to help others, we are meant to not only give the knowledge of what is the right thing pointing out the wrong thing but also to give them the encouragement and inspiration to do the right thing there is a survey done at Wisconsin University in America there is a group of writing students, there is a group of boys who thought that we we all want to become good writers so whatever we write we will review and we all point the faults in what we have written and by that we will all improve then there is a group of girls they said we will do opposite of what the boys have done they said whatever we write we will all point the good in what we have written and then the researchers followed them after 10 years and they found that this group of boys not one of them had become a published author and several of them even writing a serious letter that would make them break sweat they will always be fearful on the other hand among the girls three of them had become published authors and all the other girls there was no one among their friend circle as good writers so what happened it was one was they got feedback but the feedback was discouraging they just lost the desire to write they just got so much fear of writing oh I write something it may be wrong better not write it on the other hand the girls got encouragement and they became good writers so the point is both did the same thing in a sense both wanted to improve their writing but one focused on the right the other focused on the wrong so Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita 16th chapter the godly people the divine nature their characteristic is Apahishunam Apahishunam means aversion to fault finding that they don’t like to find faults they like to see them coming on the other hand this is about the demoniac what is their characteristic they like to speak harshly they like to find faults in others in fact there are some people who think that their cleverness is seen in their expertise in insulting others I offer such a clever insult to that person I offer such a clever insult to that person so they think I am so clever but what is the result of that people become discouraged especially if our boss in office criticizes us we will tolerate it because we need the job but Bhakti is a voluntary activity if we criticize others then we just give up the practice of Bhakti so when it is voluntary we have to be all the more careful so when criticism is to be given we have to not only point out the fault but point out the fault in a way that encourages people to do the right thing so often we can use the sandwich formula sandwich formula means first appreciate the person then point out a room for correction so basically what should happen is when there is criticism the person should not feel rejected if the person feels valued and accepted and then this what you did was wrong you can improve this so if our normal mode of interaction is others of criticism whenever we see someone you are doing this wrong people become very discouraged so if it is not our authority to criticize others then better don’t speak there are many things wrong in this world similarly there are many things wrong in Krishna’s movement also this is Krishna’s movement is like a hospital in a hospital different people have different sickness when we go to a hospital we are not going to see who has got what sickness we are going there to cure our sickness similarly we don’t have to go in the community to see who is doing what wrong things yes there are wrong things going on because we are all sick we have to focus on whether we are doing the right thing now sometimes some people may be doing something wrong which just agitates our mind too much somebody may be doing something which is disturbing us too much then maybe we can politely tell that devotee or we can tell that senior no this is troubling me and then we can get a proper understanding of that but in general we shouldn’t think that if I have no relationship with that person then if I am not in a position of authority then to give correction Krishna says in austerity of speech the first is speak in a way that does not agitate people’s minds so I would say that the only time when we when we can say that we are advanced enough to criticize others is when we get no pleasure in doing so sometimes you know I caught you doing wrong now you think this is a great person I will show you how foolish you are we may not be so graphic but basically we get some pleasure in pointing out others faults and then if we are getting pleasure in pointing out others faults then that means it’s our ego in action and what happens when the words come from our ego they activate the other person’s ego when the words come from our heart they reach their heart so if we are motivated by genuine concern for their well-being then we will choose the appropriate words, the appropriate tone the appropriate forum usually we should never criticize in public in private one to one it is a praise in public criticize in private so like that we will do the appropriate things by which we will touch their heart and inspire them to correct so yes it is a very important responsibility that we speak sensitively we speak sensitively otherwise we can terribly hurt people and then they become discouraged, they go away from Krishna then what have we done we may have made a point I proved that they were wrong and I was right but what is it what does it serve ultimately our service to Krishna our relationship with Krishna is not just dependent on how we are relating with him on the altar it’s also dependent on how we are relating with others based on their relationship with Krishna so if our interactions with devotees are discouraging devotees then that is going to hurt our relationship with Krishna also and if we take the time the thought, the sensitivity and speak properly to devotees then that is going to positively affect our relationship with Krishna or else Krishna will be pleased so it is it is a strong temptation in Kali Yuga both ways first is that Kali Yuga there are so many faults everybody has faults so in that sense to find faults and speak faults is it’s so easy to do it so externally there are many faults and internally also we have a fault finding tendency because of that the force can become very strong at that time we can check that force by remembering that you know whether my speaking this is serving the purpose now often we have some standards and those standards need to be maintained but standards can also be maintained in a way that we don’t hurt people there are, okay we have to do deity worship in a particular way, somebody is doing it in a wrong way we need to correct that person it doesn’t mean that we don’t correct but we correct in a way that people feel encouraged not feel rejected or discouraged so you know offering criticism is a very is a very subtle skill and those who are offering that criticism they have to do it in a very mature, sensitive, well thought out way otherwise we can just break people’s hearts and then we actually come in violence to people because we hurt their, we damage their spiritual prospects so we think not just in terms of this is right, this is wrong and I have to point it out, we should think that now whether pointing this out is going to help this person come closer to Krishna whether I have the adhikar, whether I have the relationship, whether I have the position by which I can help this person come closer to Krishna Prabhupada had been finding when he came to America the hippies, their only regulative principle was to break all regulative principles so if Prabhupada had been finding faults he would not have been able to attract anyone all the faults were there but Prabhupada saw the good in them he saw that they have a small spark of devotion Prabhupada focused on that and that’s how he was able to attract so many people we also should try to follow in his footsteps and also Krishna