How can we overcome the expectation of apology from someone who has hurt us?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

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No.
So if in a past relationship we acted passively or basically that person is no longer in our life but still those hurts pop up. So do we need to practice forgiveness towards ourselves or towards that person even now? This depends on primarily individual nature. Some people are very reflective, they live a lot in their head.
Some people are more like fix it, come on, do this, do this, do this. Those people if you talk about them, you don’t even remember what happened in the past. I did like this, you did like that.
For them they have so many things to do in their life that it won’t figure in their mind. So it may not be required for everyone to revisit their past and try to forgive oneself if one acted in the wrong way or forgive the other person if they have acted in the wrong way. But for some of us we will be like nature, more into emotions, more into relationships.
And those thoughts do pop up in a strong way. Then we need to deal with them. So there are two aspects to this.
One is that first of all by having negative feelings about others. We don’t want the best for them or we want that something bad should happen to them. So in general in life frustration is a function of expectation.
So sometimes some people just don’t have that sensitivity. In the first session I talked about the difference between insensitive and desensitized. Insensitive people are those who just don’t care.
Desensitized are those who don’t just feel. If somebody touches me on my shoulder and say if I have some mild paralysis or something over there. I don’t feel a touch only.
They want to look but I don’t look only. So some people they are just desensitized. And if we expect that kind of sensitivity from them, they are setting us as a purpose to achieve.
So if the relationship is important for us, then we may have to begin the communication. And then also we should be ready for them not even acknowledging that there is something wrong. So it may be easier to talk about this relationship with someone else who is of a similar disposition.
And they will understand our feelings. Now of course this also has to be done when at least the other person is mature enough to help us heal. Otherwise what happens, both of us talk with each other, both of us pile garbage on that person.
Very bad, very bad. You confirm my idea, I confirm your idea about that person. And then it makes things worse.
But if we are in a mutually helpful mood, then we may need a vent for that. And a third person who is understanding, who is like-minded, they can become the vent. So that expectation that other people, the person who has hurt, apologize, it can happen.
But if for so many years that person has not apologized, then it is unlikely that they will apologize now also. So it is just setting us up for disappointment. So we just say that probably I had hurt someone in my past life and this has come back to me.
And we move on. Sometimes people do change and they apologize. But most of the times it is the mind which tends to stay in the past.
So what we need to do is, if we consider the universe and we are ultimately Krishna who is the source of everything. But in the world, in life if we see that there are some people who offer us so much affection. And sometimes we don’t even pay much time or attention.
Because they are offering us so much respect, so much attention, so much affection, we sort of take them for granted. But there is some other person from whom we expect. And we crave for it, we practically beg for it, but they pay no attention.
They don’t reciprocate at all. So rather than trying to get reciprocation where it is not coming, we can be appreciative of somewhere else where it will come. So sometimes some people make a small mistake and they apologize profusely for it.
So if we consider the overall balance, we will find that things even out in the long run. Some people may be very insensitive, uncaring or desensitized. Some other people, in some relationships we invest a lot and we get very little.
In other relationships we invest a little but we get quite a lot. So if that is happening, then it’s better that where somebody is already giving us, there is already something in that relationship, but we put more energy reciprocating. So in that way it will balance out.
But if we expect that it will balance out through that particular interaction itself, that is quite often unrealistic expectation.