How can we suffer insufferable people?

Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
How do you suffer insufferable fools? See, there is physical proximity and there is emotional proximity.
That means, sometimes by some situations in our life some people might just be there in our life and can’t do anything about it. So, physical proximity we can’t, sometimes it’s not in our control. We might be in a relationship, we might be working as colleagues or whatever.
We might have somebody as a neighbor or whatever. I have traveled across so many temples and communities. Everywhere, people tell me there are some people who are like troublemakers.
It’s almost like it’s a rule. Every temple should have someone like that. Every community should have someone like that.
Now, of course, they don’t think they are troublemakers. They think that I am helping everyone. So, there are two kinds of people.
Some people bring happiness wherever they go and some people bring happiness whenever they go. So, now we cannot, sometimes a physical distance can’t be created. Now, why would we want to suffer insufferable fools? Because we could just create a distance from them, but sometimes it’s just not possible to create a distance.
So, at that time, what we need to do is, we can avoid emotional proximity. Emotional proximity means what? Generally, in every relationship, there is an obligatory part and there is a voluntary part. The obligatory part, if we have a sense of responsibility, the obligatory part has to be done.
Say, like if a person is working as an accountant in a supermarket. The obligatory part is that, they have to take the money and they have to give the bill or whatever transaction they have to do. Now, somebody has put a plastic smile on their face, but being courteous, it’s voluntary, you cannot legislate that.
So, in every relationship, there is an obligatory part and a voluntary part. So, now, if the voluntary part, we cannot really do unless there is inspiration. In every relationship, there is some contribution and there is some expectation.
That’s why reciprocation. I do something for you and you do something for me. So, generally, when we say somebody is an insufferable fool, what that means is that, there is no contribution from their side.
They are not doing anything that we want them to do. In fact, they are doing the opposite of it many times. On the other side, we are doing a lot for them.
And generally, when this relationship becomes strained, then basically, expectations are not met. Not just not met, there is a huge mismatch. Say, if I feel I am doing so much for the other person and I feel the other person is doing nothing for me.
He is taking me for granted or even exploiting me. Then, that becomes a problem. So, now, what do we do in such a situation? First is that, we don’t have to think that my whole existence is bound.
There is an obligatory part and a voluntary part. And in the obligatory part, we may have to do. In the voluntary part, we can create a distance for ourselves.
Not that we become resentful or rude or like that. But just that we don’t have to be that emotionally invested in that relationship. Generally, different relationships work well at different distances.
So, we have to find, sometimes we may want that relationship to be very close. But the other person doesn’t want that. Then, okay, the other person doesn’t want that.
If we have tried our best, is there some misunderstanding about ours or whatever, because of which they are doing that? If we tried that, then, okay, whatever distance they wanted, let’s work it at that level itself. So, it’s that we can’t, in their relationship also, they also have a voluntary part. And they have an obligatory part.
So, we can’t force the voluntary part. So, we can have our own space, if we understand that my existence is not bound, I have a voluntary part and I can create my space over there. Having said that, we can also try to find out what is it that is making that person insufferable.
In general, most people are not bad people. Most people are not wicked people. It’s often some experience which they have had with us or with someone else, because of which they have become negative.
So, say, now, say, if you and I have signed a transaction and if I give you money in Indian Rupees, but you have never seen Indian Rupees, you only know, the only currency you know is US Dollars, then I may give you a big pile of Indian Rupees, but you don’t say, you haven’t given me anything. If you give me something worth 100 Dollars, and I give you 5000 Rupees for that. It’s proportionate.
7000 Rupees, whatever. But if you have no idea what the currency is, what this currency means, then you’ll say, I gave you so much, you gave me nothing. And I’ll say, I’ve given you so much, why are you so ungrateful? So, what is happening is, the two people are dealing in two different currencies.
So, currency is an external object, we can easily understand. If people don’t know the currency, they won’t value what is being given in that currency. But all of us, we could say, we have, in our own personality, our own currency.
So, for example, some people, they feel very valued and respected when you pay attention to them. Now, everybody does that, but for some people, it is extremely important. When you’re talking, if you’re doing multitasking, I’m hearing you.
No, you’re not hearing me. So, what happens is, for some people, it might be that you have to appreciate them. You have to appreciate them.
Speak words of appreciation. That’s very important. Otherwise, they don’t feel valued.
For some people, it might be that you know, if you tell them, I’ll do something, you have to do it. And if you don’t do it, then they feel, you don’t take me seriously. You don’t take our relationships seriously.
You’re not serious about anything. It’s a small thing. For them, it is not a small thing.
So, generally, we need to understand their currency. And how do we understand it? Broadly, in two ways. What is it, if we don’t do, they complain and nag incessantly.
And what is it, if we do, they appreciate very much. And sometimes, the relationship has come to such a level that no matter what we do, they’re not going to appreciate us. Now, if it has come to that level, then we can see, if they appreciate someone else.
Okay, what do they appreciate about that person? So, generally, through appreciation and criticism, we can understand what is the currency of that person. And then, if we start paying them in that currency, we will start, we are doing our part to bring about a change. And it is quite likely that if we start contributing that relationship in the currency that they value, then they may well change.
And then, if we start seeing them changing, then we can slowly start expressing what is the currency that we expect something from them. So, because sometimes they may feel, I’m doing so much for you, why don’t you value it? So, a husband may say that, I’m working so hard, I’m providing so much to my wife, I’m providing such a big house, so comfortable. The wife may say, I just want to spend some time with you, come back home early.
The husband may say, you’re always nagging me. And the husband may say, I do so much, you don’t value it only. So, both feel dissatisfied because a child, a parent may give expensive toys, you know, very expensive cricket bat, expensive cricket ball, cricket pads.
The father may say, I love you so much. The child may say, I just want you to play with me. The father says, I don’t have time for that.
So, the child may not want the expensive bat, the child may just want the father, teach me how to play with the bat. Play with me. So, what we have to do is, we try to understand each other’s currency.
And if we understand, then it is very much possible that the coldness that is there in the relationship, that will go down. So, if we have an obligatory relationship, then it’s best to try to understand the currency. And at least, if we start contributing in that currency, we can get the confidence that we are doing our part.
If they don’t do the part, what can we do? We can’t force anyone. So, then if that happens, then we have to again, as I said, we have to create our own space, and we get our emotional nourishment from other relationships, within the limits of dharma, but other relationships. So, sometimes, broadly speaking, the universe will be reciprocal.
That means, if we give love, we will get love. But just that, we may give love to one person and we may get love from someone else. Some people, who may just pay no attention, and they give us so much attention and affection.
Some people, who do so much, and they don’t even look at us. So, that’s how it is, unfortunately, in life. So, we have to find out, some relationships will work naturally, and some relationships will require work.
So, broadly speaking, we should know which relationship is which, and we should have enough interactions, which give us strength. So that, we can do those interactions, which require our strength. So, if we are having only the second kind of interactions, where, some people, as soon as you start talking with them, your breath stops moving, you become tensed.
Every word speaking with them is like, walking on a landmine. What will cause an explosion, you don’t know. So, now, if that is the kind of interaction we have to have with everyone, throughout the day, throughout the week, throughout the year, we’ll get suffocated.
I can’t do this. Isn’t it? So, there are some people, who will be like that, and we have to be very guarded with them. But, we also need to have other relationships, where, we will get strength.
We will get comfort. We will get the attention, the warmth, the love, and then from this, when we get the strength, we’ll be able to do this. So, maturity, I have a whole another class on maturity, loneliness, inferiority complex.
But, in that, maturity means, to recognize, that no one is obliged to fulfill my needs. I’ll repeat this. Maturity means, to recognize that no one is obliged to fulfill my needs.
So, like a small baby cries, and the baby expects the mother, the father, some money to come running and feed the baby, to take care of the baby. Now, hunger is a real need. And it has to be fulfilled.
Now, if an adult feels hungry, and the adult starts crying, come on, don’t be a baby. Now, the adult’s hunger is also a genuine need. But, the adult recognizes that no one is obliged to fulfill my needs.
That doesn’t mean my need will not be fulfilled. But, I have to take the responsibility to fulfill my needs. So, I have to cook some food, I have to buy some food, I have to stock some food.
So, similarly, if we are not getting a particular emotional nourishment in a particular relationship, then, we have to understand that nobody is obliged to fulfill my needs. This person is not obliged. So, then, I have to develop other lateral relationships within the limits of Dharma, by which I can get my need fulfilled.
So, then, we’ll find that even these relationships with difficult people can actually strengthen us. Although, it’s very difficult to deal with difficult people, but sometimes though they make us stronger, they help us to develop maturity, tolerance, humility, sensitivity. And then, that can help us to grow in our life also.
So, that’s how we can deal with difficult people.