How can we tolerate provoking situations?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
So, now how can, when the provoking situations come, how can we tolerate it or is it helpful to analyze after the situation? Yes, both are true. First is that all of us, we can, if we observe ourselves, we will know that we all have certain triggers, certain things which just cause us to explore. Now, once we know those things, we can prepare in advance.
Like if say, I suppose in America we don’t have that issue. In India, often the roads have potholes. So, if I am going on a road in a vehicle, and I know there is a pothole over here, then in advance itself, okay, I know I have to go on the side.
So, I prepare, there is a pothole, I prepare to go by the side. So, like that, in our life journey also, we can know that there are certain situations where I get provoked. So, when we know that this is a situation where I tend to get provoked, we try to plan in advance.
What can I do to avoid that? Like, I just go around the way. So, like that, if too many people make too many demands for me, then I just snap. Then what should I do? I know this is the time of the weekend, or this is the time of the month, this is the time when too many people are going to come to me.
So, I plan in advance. Maybe I’ll have to say no to some people, but I’ll have a planned answer. How I can politely but firmly say no.
Otherwise, you know, we say yes, yes, yes to 6, 7, 8 people, and then the 9th person comes. All the resentment of the previous yes, it comes as one violent no. So, if we know that what our triggers are, then we can plan in advance how I can best deal with this.
And, overall, it is not that Maya attacks us in very new ways all the time. The situations themselves may be new, but, overall, the circumstances, the patterns are similar. So, once we know our triggers, then we can put in some thought.
How can I deal with this? And that we have to plan in advance. That’s the first thing. Second is that we can try to have, try to develop something like our own pause button.
That means, when I feel an impulse to snap at someone or impulse to do something suddenly, then I make a pause. I’m not necessarily, I won’t do this, but not now. Not now.
So, you know, I correspond a lot with people by emails. And, because I’m a writer, I can play around with words as well. But this also works negatively, that if I want to cut someone, I can cut very ruthlessly.
So, I find that, actually, I don’t really want to speak like that, but in the heat of the moment it comes out. So, what I decided is, that if I’m going to write any strong email to someone, then I made a policy that I’ll write that email, but for 24 hours, I will not send the email. So, now what happens, if I don’t write the email, all that resentment is there within me.
So, it will all be inside me. But once I have written it down, to a large extent, things calm down, cool down. Yeah, I went in myself.
But then, after 24 hours, when I come back and look at this, the mental pressure has gone down quite a bit. I look at, yeah, this is a sensible point. No, this is too harsh.
I really don’t know the situation. I’m making a premature judgment here. So, you can evaluate it at that time.
So, that pause button is that just 24 hours, don’t do anything about it. Now, don’t do anything in terms of, don’t express itself. Express, but don’t communicate to that person.
So, I found that this is a very practical way, because if we don’t express at all, then that becomes like a pressure cooker in the heart, which will explode afterwards. So, there is some expression that is required, but that expression doesn’t have to be a communication. So, I get it out of myself, but it doesn’t have to reach the other person in that form.
And that, I find journaling also very helpful. Basically, journaling is the same thing. If I’m upset about something, if I’m angry about something, then just get it out.
So, getting it out is good for me, but getting it to them is not good for them. So, I get it somewhere in the middle. And then after that, when we evaluate it again, then you find, okay, this, as I said again, we can evaluate it calmly.
So, actually, I’m writing a book on the yoga of journaling. So, there, the subtitle I gave it is that training our intelligence to become the counselor of our mind. So, training our intelligence to become the counselor of our mind.
What that means is, first time when I’m angry with someone, I’m provoked by something, I just vent myself out. That time, it is my mind speaking. No, you know, he is like this, she is like that, they are like that.
So much resentment is there. And it is there, you know. When we have certain feelings, we cannot wish them away.
Those feelings are real things within us. So, we express them. And then that, at that time, largely, it is the mind speaking.
So, the mind needs some vent, give it some vent by writing down. And after, maybe as I said, 24 hours or something, then I come back and see it again. At that time, I have calmed down, now it is my intelligence reading it out.
Okay, I wrote this, I wrote this, I wrote this. And then, I make whatever changes I require. And then, I communicate to others.
So, this journaling or writing or expressing but not communicating, that is one way in which I found a pause button helpful for myself. But all of us can have different pause buttons. Some of us, when we get very angry, we just hear some very nice kirtan, or ourselves sing something, or in some cases, we may chant, and just pick up the pace and start chanting.
That can also act as a pause button. But, again, the point of it is not just the specific activity. It should cause the pause.
Rather than just chanting, chanting, but then I am thinking, I am just making plans, how I am going to get back at that person. We have to have something which can just draw us out of that situation. And what that will be, that will vary from person to person.
So, if we find that, and we do that, that pause button, in the provoking situation also, we can avoid getting provoked. So, it is not that we can, when the feeling of anger is there, when the feeling of frustration is there, that we can’t just repress it. We repress it, it will express itself later.
We can’t repress it, we have to process it. So, there is repression, there is expression, and there is processing. So, what happens is, if I repress it, it comes up and explodes afterwards.
If I express it at that time itself, then also it is trouble. Because, it is not properly filtered at that time. So, if I can process it, then I can actually, there is a middle medium between expressing as well as repressing.
So, after processing when I express, then actually it is in a reasonable way, in an intelligible way, in a way that it gives vent to what I am feeling at the same time. It doesn’t come off as too aggressive or insulting or demeaning for the other person. And then, we can take things forward.
So, we can find out what is a pause button for us. That is the second thing. And third thing is, yes, as you rightly said, after a particular situation happens, then we look back and learn.
Okay, in this time, I did this and this didn’t work. Maybe I should not have done this at this time. So, in this also, there are two things.
There is learning from the past and there is lamenting about the past. And the two are very different. The difference is primarily in which mood I am situated.
When I am in Tamoguna, when I think about the past, I simply lament. Oh, you know, why did he speak like that? Why did I speak like that? I am always so uncontrollable. I just keep doing the same mistake.
And I am just beating myself up. I am not doing anything constructive by that. So, if I am in Tamoguna, at that time, thinking about what has gone wrong, that doesn’t help in any way.
That only makes the wrong aggravated. So, even when we have to look back, it has to be when we are in Satmoguna. When we have done some sadhana, studied some shastra, we are in a peaceful frame of mind.
Then, in Satmoguna, we look back. Okay, this happened, then this happened. Probably I could have done this way.
And then we can learn from the past and use it for our future. So, that looking, that means the difference, another way of understanding the difference between learning from the past and lamenting about the past is when we are lamenting, the mind is forcibly taking our thoughts to the past. Whereas, when we are learning, we are consciously taking our mind.
I am consciously, I am in control of my mind and I am taking my mind. Okay, let me think about this situation. This is what has happened.
This is how I reacted. This is how I could have reacted. And we are in control.
But when we are lamenting, the mind is in control and it is taking us here, taking us there, taking us there. And essentially we don’t learn much from it. So, by planning, by knowing what are our triggers and planning in advance to deal with them when they come, by having our own pause button which enables us to process our emotions, either repress them or express them.
And by learning from the past, we can actually become more tolerant in provoking situations. Does that answer your question? Thank you. Any other questions? Yes.