How can we use anger constructively in parenting?
Answer Podcast
Transcript
Disclaimer: This transcript was generated using AI and may contain occasional errors or inaccuracies.
What is the position of anger in Sadhaka's life? It's towards the mother and towards the child, yes. Well, I'll give a disclaimer. I have no experience.
They say, one of the jokes in teaching is those who can do something, they do it. Those who can't do something, they teach it. Yeah, but of course, sometimes when we counsel people, that's not exactly like parenting.
But it is something similar. Anger is, anger is, just firstly, there are three different things. Anger as an expression of our emotions, anger as a response to the situation, and anger as a force influencing the other person.
There are three things in that. I, the situation, and the person. So now, sometimes, the issue might be that we ourselves get very angry.
So, the situation may not be provocative, the person may not be provocative, some people themselves are short-tempered. Then definitely at that time, that person has to work on it. But, if that kind of short-temperedness is definitely something which we, as anarthas, we need to give up.
Now, if you look at the other two situations, and there is a provocation. So, if there is a provoking situation, Prabhupada also says that one's greatness is estimated by the ability to tolerate provoking situations. So, in that sense, we should be able to restrain our emotions.
But, like I also said that, there are times when something can be forgiven and something needs to be punished. Some strong action is also required at times. So, let me complete this, that in this situation, if certain situation warrants some strong action, then doing it at that time is okay.
Because sometimes, we just can't resist the impulse. It just comes and comes and something we do at that time. But, after that we can learn.
Say, if we are going along the road for the first time, we are going at a fast speed and suddenly, from nowhere, a bump comes. We are jolted. Now, but the second time when we are going along that road, we will be careful.
Slow down before that. So, similarly, if you see, in the specifics, life presents us different situations. But in the general, overall generalities, it's not entirely new situations come in our life.
So, we all can make out. This kind of situation, I tend to get provoked. So, it could be that, maybe 4-5 difficult things we have already tackled and we are exhausted.
And if 6th thing comes up, then we will explode. So, we ourselves can make out which situations we get provoked and then we slow ourselves down at that time. So, to be forewarned is to be forearmed, they say in army.
You know, there is a danger over there, you will take weapons and go. Similarly, we ourselves have to be aware which situations we tend to get provoked. And then, having done that, after that, the third is the person.
So, now different people have different, you could say, thickness of their skin. Some people are super sensitive. One small word and they almost get traumatized by that.
And some people just speak so strongly and they are smiling as if nothing has happened. So, we have to find out the particular person. And then, after finding that person, it may not be possible in the heat of the moment, but overall, we ourselves know when we are dealing with different people, this person, I have to be like this, this person, I have to be like this.
So, if we overall understand the personality of that person, then we can moderate the expression of our anger accordingly. Some people, we have to practically, working with them is like walking in the minefield. We don't know what will cause the explosion.
So, we have to be very very careful. But some people, we can be a little more at home with them, more comfortable. So, the purpose of anger is to make sure the person recognizes the gravity of the mistake.
And then, prevents the recurrence of whatever was the wrong behavior, whatever was the unwanted behavior. So, now, what will cause that to register? That, we will have to see. Sometimes, maybe, doing it immediately may not be the best solution.
Somehow, we used to, we usually think of anger in two terms, either express it or repress it. But there is a third way to do it also, to process it. So, to process means at that time, not say anything.
But that doesn't mean I am just not never going to say anything. Let me calm down, let the other person calm down, let me think things through. And then, when both of us are calm, sit down and talk with the other person.
This, this, this was an issue and this is, why is this serious? Explain things in a more rational way to them. When both the emotional temperature of their side, our side is lower. And that might help.
So, in the heat of the emotions, it is difficult to moderate ourselves. But if we can just pause at that time process and then do what is appropriate for that person. It's like when doctors do surgery or say, somebody, a dentist extracts a tooth.
They normally give pain medicine. But they tell the patient, take it whenever you feel pain. So, it's different people have different pain resistance capacities.
And there is no need to give a heavy painkiller to somebody who is not feeling pain. And it's not good to deprive painkiller from someone who is feeling pain. So, it's by experience that the doctor finds out what dosage of painkiller works for whom.
How much who needs. So, like that, we also have to find out what dosage of anger will work for someone. And then, like you said, we don't want to make that person feel alienated from us permanently.
It's vital that there is some kind of positive communication between us also. That means, even if that person has done some small good thing, we appreciate them for that. Otherwise, what happens, there may be a lot of care and concern in our hearts for the other person.
Like parents have a lot of care for their children. But what happens, especially when they go into teenage, then often the only interaction of the parents with the children is that, you have not done this right, you have not done this right, you have not done this right. And then they develop a very negative conception.
I was talking with one teenager and the phone came. He was picking up the phone and I looked at the phone. It was written jail.
I said, what is a jail? Jail, jail, jail. So, what was that? He said, it is my home number. So, he felt the home was like jail for him.
Thank you.