How to control revengeful thoughts?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
So how to control revengeful violent thoughts? There are multiple courses of action. Firstly is that if somebody has hurt us, it’s natural to the feelings of hurt, we have to acknowledge that they are natural. So to deny them, to repress them, that is not desirable.
Because if somebody has hurt us, to just say that I have not been hurt. It’s like I have been wounded and I say I am not wounded. It’s not going to work.
The wound is going to stay there and it’s going to worsen. So if we have been hurt, we do need to acknowledge that we have been hurt. But then, how do I act? If I am walking along a road and if a snake has bitten me, then what do I need to do? I need to go to a doctor.
But how dare this snake bite me? I am going to go and beat it. And I chase after the snake. Well, in chasing after the snake, the poison is going faster.
I am accelerating my blood pressure, accelerating my heart rate and I will be poisoning myself more. So the snake bite is there, that hurt is there, we have to acknowledge the hurt, but we have to act in a proper way. Now, if somebody has hurt us, what are the options for us? It’s not that just because you are being spiritual, that means any and every wrong has to be always forgiven.
There is forgiveness as an emotion and there is forgiveness as an action. The two are different things. As devotees, not just as devotees, as intelligent human beings, forgiveness as an emotion is always desirable.
That means that as if that person did like this and I will do like this to them. When we have that hateful, revengeful mentality, that hurts us more than it hurts others. Because, it’s like, I am holding a burning piece of coal in my hand, waiting for my enemy so that I will hurl at that enemy.
But before that enemy comes, that coal is going to burn me so much. So, if somebody has hurt us, first of all we acknowledge the hurt. But after that, rather than letting that revengeful mentality eat us up, we say, I forgive you.
When we say forgiving, it does not necessarily mean that we let them go scot-free. It simply means that we don’t let revenge be the driving motive for action. You hurt me, so I will hurt you.
Rather than operating at that level, Prabhupada says, don’t be angry at the instrument of your karma. If somebody has hurt me, ultimately I must have done something wrong in my previous life. Because of the karmic reaction, they are hurting me.
So then, when we have that attitude, we can cultivate forgiveness as emotion. Forgiveness as emotion means, it’s not the same as forgiveness as action. It basically means we don’t have the vindictive revengeful attitude while responding to that person.
Now, what are the options for us? Usually, we tend to equate forgiveness with trust. Actually, I have a whole seminar on forgiveness and trust. Basically, forgiving.
I’ll just mention this very briefly. Forgiveness and trust are not the same. Forgiveness is for the past.
Trust is for the future. Forgiveness can be given, but trust has to be earned. If somebody has hurt us in the past, if somebody has hurt us in the past, we may forgive them for that hurt.
But that does not mean that we open them to hurt us again and again. We may have to create a safe distance between us and them, so that they don’t hurt us again. And if they are to come in closer to us, then they have to earn that trust.
That means if somebody has hurt us, rather than acting based on the mentality of revenge, we forgive them as an emotion. It’s because of my own karma, but that does not mean that I will let them hurt me again and again. So, what are the options for us? One option is that we forgive them as an emotion, but if we find that their mentality is an emotion, they are not ready to change at all.
They are just going on doing the same thing again and again. If I give them the opportunity to do the same thing again with me, they will do it with somebody else, they will do it with somebody else, they are going to hurt others. Then in such a situation, we may have to take action to correct them.
So, whatever action that may be, that may vary according to the situation. Whether it is that there is a distance in the relationship or there is some kind of judicial intervention, that will vary. But if we find that the person has no intention or inclination to change, then they may have to take corrective action for it.
Then, otherwise, in between, we communicate in a manner, that is like one extreme solution, where we have to counter that problem, but not with the motive of hurting them. The motive is more of making sure that they don’t hurt others. So, that is not a self-centered motive, that is more of a selfless motive.
Because when they are going to hurt others, they are going to create bad karma for themselves, then they are going to hurt others, they are going to create problems for everyone. So, it may be part of our responsibility to correct that. But before that, there is one extreme solution.
The usual standard is, we communicate appropriately to them how much their actions have hurt us. And this we should do in a non-judgmental way. Non-judgmental way means you are such a monster.
Once I start saying like that, as soon as we make a judgment about a person, their ego goes into a defensive. And they just don’t hear what we are saying. Let me tell you objectively, when you did like this, this, this, this, I felt terribly hurt by that.
Because this is what I expected. So, when we, rather than making a value judgment about their actions, we focus on their actions. Then what happens? There are feelings and there are facts.
Feelings arise from facts quite often. But, you know, the same fact, the same fact may create one kind of feeling within us, the same fact may create some other feeling within us. So, the problem in communication is that there are facts, but when we communicate with people, we focus on the feelings.
We don’t tell the facts. And then, how can I think like this? I never had that in mind. So, we are telling our feelings, they are telling our feelings, and we feel as if we are in two different universes.
There is no communication at all. So, we have to focus on facts. We can definitely tell our feelings, because, okay, this feeling, this fact, or this action created this feeling within me.
Because of this, this, this. But start with facts. Start with facts, then come to the feelings.
Then we say, actually, this was not my intention at all. Or, oh, I am sorry, I did like this. I did or not.
So, they will clarify. And things will be resolved that way. So, that means, the one extreme is, they have no intention of changing, then we just take corrective action.
Second is, we express our emotions, and then we observe. So, then, sometimes we may find that by that communication, they may change. If they change towards the positive, they give up that kind of, they truly repent that kind of behavior, and they correct that behavior, then we may start trusting them.
And when we trust them, the relationship may become restored. Sometimes, till that, so, the best solution is that through the clarification, there is rectification, there is apology, there is change, and the relationship gets restored. Otherwise, so, one extreme, the relationship comes back to normal, or becomes stronger.
The other extreme, the relationship has to be ended over there. And in between, there may be some functional mode at which we function, we keep some distance, and we observe them. So, there is no need to choke ourselves, because we are feeling hurt, but at the same time, there is no need to alleviate others by unregulated expression of our emotions.
So, by expressing ourselves maturely, with centered on facts rather than feelings, we can give that person an opportunity to clarify and rectify. And during that period, we keep a safe distance, and we have communication. And then after that, depending on how they respond, we can choose how to move forward.
Did that answer your question? Thank you very much. Yes, sir.