How to Speak Effectively & Resolve Conflicts part 2 By HG Chaitanya Charan Prabhu

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
delighted and grateful to be here with all of you today and i’ll speak on the 1715 from the bhagavad-gita so i’ll first explain the meaning we’ll recite the verse then we’ll discuss so this is krishna in the last line saying vanmayam tapa uchyate tapa is austerity or discipline this is said to be vanmaya is of speech so this is discipline of speech this is the way we can make our speech more effective and what does he say what do we need to do about it the first thing he says is anudvega karam vakyam the word that we speak that they should not agitate others is to agitate so anudvega karam is that which don’t agitate others specifically what it means is that those which are not meant to agitate others sometimes the words may agitate but we don’t get a pleasure in agitating others so anudvega karam vakyam then now does that mean we flatter others and pamper others no satyam meant to speak the truth but some people say the truth is bitter that is true the truth may be bitter but even the bitter truth doesn’t have to be spoken bitterly so satyam but priyam speak it in a way that is pleasing and then there could be many truths that we could speak but speak those truths that are beneficial to others so these are all characteristics satyam priyahitam chayat swadhyay swadhyay is self-study we study scriptures so at that time while studying scripture we recite scriptures so scriptural recitation is a direct way to spiritualise the power of our speech so chaiva cha also this also swadhyaya bhesanam chaiva as i mentioned it is one of speech this is austerity so let’s recite this once more satyam priyahitam chayat swadhyaya bhesanam chaiva vanmayam tapa uchyate once more anudvega karam vakyam satyam priyahitam chayat priyam swadhyaya bhesanam chaiva vanmayam tapa uchyate so just a small poetic translation of this verse so words that cause no agitation truthful pleasing meant for elevation reciting sacred texts that bring purity of speech all these are austerity of speech all these are austerity so vanmayam tapa uchyate let’s recite this once together now not responsive yeah together anudvega karam vakyam satyam priyahitam chayat swadhyaya bhesanam chaiva vanmayam tapa uchyate vanmayam tapa uchyate let’s do two more times anudvega karam vakyam satyam priyahitam chayat swadhyaya bhesanam chaiva vanmayam tapa uchyate anudvega karam vakyam satyam priyahitam chayat swadhyaya bhesanam chaiva vanmayam tapa uchyate anudvega karam vakyam satyam priyahitam chayat swadhyaya bhesanam chaiva so this is the second part this is the second part of the discussion on conflict management i’ll do a quick recap of what we discussed in the first part already the introduction that was mentioned Now broadly speaking when conflicts occur Is visible there, okay so they occur the first step is that Now conflicts don’t arise in a vacuum There is something that we feel is wrong So somebody has done something which is objectionable which is even Obnoxious whatever it is. So we see something wrong And then that’s the time conflicts start And then after that we try to fix it now when we try to fix it sometimes The problem it is not the problem gets fixed. It is the problem gets fixed What do you mean that the problem doesn’t get solved the problem becomes permanent? The problem gets fixed in the sense that you know Maybe during the mode of communication the other person becomes angry with us and then we become angry with them And the problem gets perpetuated So in the morning we check this particular section What when we see something wrong? Now, is it actually wrong? So I took an acronym.
Do you remember the acronym on morning? Par Par so it’s on par It’s part of life. It’s on part of the way of life that things we will see something wrong So what are the reasons possibly? P was Perceptions. Yes So it may be that nothing is wrong, but we think it is wrong So we are seeing one side of the story And based on the limited perception we think this is wrong Now and then that is the case Then it just needs more communication Now the other could be Approach so two people may just have different approaches two people may have different priorities so We may see somebody has not done something which we told them to do And we say how could you be so irresponsible? But then maybe they were doing something else at that time and that was also important for them So now is that the right thing? Well, it depends.
It’s their approach. That’s their priority so with respect to bhakti we discussed how this is inevitable because there is Vrindavan and there is Kurukshetra So Vrindavan is that we want to remember Krishna and relish the remembrance But Kurukshetra is where we have to serve in this world And because in this world resources are limited There are sometimes conflicts and confrontations so Two people may just have different approaches what to prioritise and that could lead to conflicts and then the last part could be That’s what we’re going to discuss today results Like some things turn out to be wrong That I thought this was wrong, but actually that person is just a different way of doing things But in the different way of doing things Does not work Nowadays one of the ideas that is very popular is relativism Relativism is you know, you have your morality. I have my morality And you have that way this way of thinking and that way of thinking And is it that okay because we should be tolerant we should accept all thoughts Well, yes, and no You know, we can be tolerant But reality itself is not very tolerant Is it if somebody Is walking at the edge of a tall building with a very low parapet wall Or no parapet wall because it’s not a construction And somebody says, you know, don’t walk so close you may slip No, you have your way.
I have my way Your way will lead you to a dead end literally that will be the end over there so ultimately in one sense relativism There is validity to relate there can be different ways, but relativism Is ultimately limited by reality? Relativism is limited by reality in the sense that If we want to construct a building Sometimes we can have very fancy constructions. I was in the middle east A couple of months ago in dubai and some of these buildings are just all kinds of angles are there in the building and It doesn’t really feel Artistic or aesthetic. It’s just different So now we can make buildings of all kinds of angles But we cannot make foundations of all kinds of angles So if the foundations are of different angles then the building will have no angle So, yes, there is some a part of Some room for relativism is there But everything is not relative That the ultimate test for relativity is that does it work? Does it work? You know somebody may say I have one taste for food.
You have another taste for food but if somebody says my taste for food is I only like to eat sweet foods Well, then after that We not live Person will get diabetes the person get health problems. So The thing is that okay one part of the meal of sweet food is fine But if that’s all a person is going to take so we can have differences in taste But there is a limit to the differences in taste Isn’t it? So the point is relativism is limited by reality So what we’re talking about is there are different perceptions There can be different approaches, but ultimately there are results and Now when it turns out that Somebody was doing something And that gave a bad result Now that is the opportunity for us Is it there are four words Most satisfying to the human ego Practically there are no other four words in the vocabulary In the english language then these four words I told you so So what happens If we are told someone don’t do something and they do that and then they get in trouble It’s it’s very easy You know to just get on their case so I told you so now this is very satisfying to the ego but Whether it will be helpful or not? That is the question So now we will discuss so ultimately the parameter for different approaches or different perceptions Is ultimate parameter is reality. What are the results that are coming out? So this talk will be in two parts this What I just now talked about is why we are focussing on the results now So when this particular situation comes up when results are Turning are showing some approach to be wrong or some action to be wrong So that is the time also when we need communication To be our communication has to be careful.
So in one sense communication careful communication Is required in all three approaches? So Careful communication is required to understand other person’s approach to correct our own or complete our own perceptions and even when the results have come out to be wrong, we need to communicate it in such a way that That person doesn’t get alienated by it So Let’s look at this. This is where krishna talks about Communication over here and what he says about speech About how to make our speech more effective What he says could be broadly categorised into two categories there is being sensitive and being sensible So sensitive is meant to address our emotions Our heart side and this is meant to address the reason side within us Now what krishna says with respect to sensitive we could put it as a funnel first he says is non-agitating So don’t agitate others The world is an agitating place Everybody’s mind is agitated And don’t speak words that will agitate others further Now as I said when krishna says non-agitating it’s karam that word anudvega karam. It’s not our intention to agitate now, of course to speak non-agitating words is Is not the highest criteria, isn’t it? It’s like if somebody invites us for food at their place and after how was the food? It was edible Edible Now edible is the rock bottom Sometimes the Sometimes we say there’s damming by faint praise So if you say the food is edible, it is so faint the praise that it’s a criticism So we could say but at the very least krishna says is let the speech be non-agitating now beyond that No, it can if you consider a funnel effect like this you can say that it can also be Pleasing encouraging This is priyam It can be priya in many different ways, but let our speech not agitate others But encourage others let so pleasing is not so much pampering over here or flattering.
It is encouraging now one word of encouragement Can make a huge difference for somebody who’s having a bad day or a bad week So we all have probably had experience of a few kind words By changing our mood and raising our spirits So that is the sensitive part let’s try to speak words, which are non-agitating at least and Encouraging at best now conversely. So this sanudvega and priyam now in the sensible part Christians is first speak. Let’s speak word that are truthful Satyam So It is not that just in order to be sensitive to we lie to others It is that krishna is not encouraging lying over here.
However, just because we have to be truthful Just because we have to Be truthful does not necessarily mean we have to speak the full truth Why is that because not all truth is helpful We have to see That is hitam what is helpful? So speak that truth, which is helpful Suppose a couple is has been married for 25 years When the 25th anniversary husband says to his wife Today i’ll give you a gift That i’ve been preparing for 25 years Oh Really? What is it? In the last 25 years All the faults that i have observed in you. I will tell you today And by doing these faults you can improve it you can become a better person That may well be his last wedding anniversary Ha ha ha ha ha So now we all see so many faults in each other that this you know in in this present age of kali It is called as colour It’s an ocean of faults so finding faults in this age requires as much cleverness As finding water in an ocean It’s everywhere Ha ha ha So that’s why when we have to speak the truth, but speak that truth Which is helpful if we are training our child to speak a new language Now the child may speak 10 words out of which three words are right and seven words are wrong But the child is learning. We appreciate the three words that they’ve spoken, right? Isn’t it? So yeah, that is good Now, is that the truth? Yes, is that the complete truth not necessarily there’s a long way to go ahead But speak that truth which is helpful So broadly speaking these two Aspects to it that we speak in a way that It opens people’s hearts and opens people’s and appeals to their heads also So in the chaitanya charita amrit, the example that is given is of gardening that the process of Bhakti is like Gardening and nourishing and growing the bhakti lata beach the creeper of devotion Now while this creeper of devotion is growing There may be weeds that grow around it So Now we need to point out the weeds so that they can be cut And we need to make sure that the actual creeper is nourished So what happens is if we are only sensitive We consider the pendulum if you’re only sensitive But not sensible That means we care for others feelings so much Okay, that’s not what I wanted Okay, so if you care only for people’s feelings But you don’t care for the actual situation It’s like we we let the weeds grow We don’t want to point out anything that is wrong and we are so much beating around the bush There is no constructive effect that is there We beat around the bush and the bush is like a weed which keeps growing and growing So but on the other hand if we are only sensible That means this is the problem and fix it now We don’t we’re not at a sensitive at all that person may become so discouraged That person may start feeling, you know, what kind of person this Person doesn’t care at all And they may become they’re only sensible but not sensitive We may end Cutting the creeper itself What we are meant to grow that only we may end up cutting off So we need to be both sensitive and sensible so I remember one time one devotee uh I was in pune at that time and uh I was involved in the Public relations and communication.
So there was one Journalist who was becoming quite favourable and becoming a devotee And I had this was 2007 2008 the cell phones were not that common at that time So I had gone out. I think I had gone to bangalore and this friend called me He said i’m never going to come to your temple ever again He said what happened Now I knew that he That his mother had been a little sick and was known that she was in her final year. So I had also met her So then he said that you know, my mother passed away And I came to the temple.
I wanted to meet you And you were not there. So I started talking with some other devotee And I told him my mother has passed away He said your mother has passed away Yes, tomorrow your father will pass away The day after tomorrow your partner will pass away After that your brother will pass away after that your friends will pass Ultimately, everybody will pass away. We’re all alone in this world Our only shelter is krishna And now Now The point May be true, but it is spoken in such a way that is going to just devastate a person Somehow if somebody tells like that when somebody lost someone he said I will never want to come over here.
So this is basically cutting off the creeper Yes now ultimately yes, we are alone But it’s not just that we are alone. It is krishna Who offers us his love through our mother through our father through our friends through our siblings Through everyone around us Mother That whatever love we get from our mother from our father Ultimately, it is krishna giving love through that Person. So yes that person may go away.
Krishna is always there with us And if we pray to krishna now krishna can take our prayers to that person if that person is not there with us So yes, we want to focus on encouraging person people to take shelter of krishna but is not by Dismissing or dismissing their current concerns completely So what may happen is if you’re only sensible it’s like truthful, but it’s not helpful In fact, it’s utterly unhelpful So So we need to speak the truth in a way that it is helpful So therefore what we need is a balance of both So we want speech to be both sensitive And sensible In fact such speech can be very transformative And if we see krishna himself His speech has both these aspects to it Now we could go into elaborate analysis of this but it’s one simple point That jiyu goswami says we can know What is the purpose of a? book By looking at its start and looking at its end So we will see that What does krishna speak in his first words? His first instructive words are in 2.11. He speaks a few words before that in 2.2 and 3 he speaks one line in 1.25 but 2.11 is his first instructive words And here the first word is oh Ashokan means not worth lamenting not worth getting agitated about so say if some Some mother has come to a doctor And say that child has got some terrible this child seems to be in a lot of pain Child has some swelling on the body And the mother thinks that the child has got cancer And the first thing doctor says it’s not worth worrying about it’s not worth getting worked up about The point is come down Don’t get so worried about it. And the last word that krishna speaks is ma shuchaha So not the last words, but again the last instructive words After that, it is the phalashruti from 1867 onwards. So ashokan and ma shuchaha Ashokan is it’s it’s not so serious.
It’s not worth worrying about It’s not worth getting worked up about and then ma shuchaha is don’t get worked up about So it is krishna is sensitive krishna is pacifying and encouraging arjuna and in between Is the philosophy? The philosophy is what actually addresses the issue arjuna is confused about What is the right thing to do and krishna addresses that? So I started by saying that if somebody had a Way to do something different from the way we are doing and then they There it does not work the results don’t come And at that time if we tell them I told you so So, what would be the problem with that speech in terms of this analysis would it be sensible Would it but would it be sensitive? No, it is not at all sensitive So somebody has tried something. It’s not worked. Yeah, they also know in one sense is not worked but at that time Some they may be demoralised they may be discouraged they may need encouragement So now speech it’s not that speech always has to have both these components Yes, it always has to but sometimes it may need a little bit more of being sensitive They mean sensible sometimes it may need a little more of being sensible Somebody’s car is not working And they’re not able to start the car And they say oh my car is not working.
Just keep trying you can do it. Just keep trying you can do it But there’s no fuel in the car. Just keep trying you can do it So if there’s a practical problem it also requires a practical solution Isn’t it? So being only sensitive is not enough.
We need sensitive and sensible So now what does this mean Broadly speaking so i’m now so this is the frame we are going to use now that When somebody has done something which has turned out to be wrong And That is the time when we have to decide how to communicate so actually When we want our speech to be effective The most effective speech comes not just by the words that we speak But it is also by the mood that we have in our heart There are some people who will be sweet talkers that they might want to market some things and What is that saying a diplomat? Is one Who lies abroad? For the good of his country You know l-i-e-s is lies that means he stays abroad, but he also lies abroad So Generally what it’s about diplomacy it is said this is a little more Traditional culture, but there’s a joke about it says that If If a if a diplomat Says yes, it means maybe If a diplomat says maybe it means no if a diplomat says no, it means he is no diplomat He or she is not at all diplomatic You never say a blunt though But the idea is that sometimes we have to be diplomatic in our speech however while being diplomatic we have to also make sure that the Particular point that we want to say is being conveyed So there has to be being sensitive and being sensible. So when It is it’s not just being Manipulative in our speech there has to be a good heart and then beyond that The words come out So, how do we see others? When somebody has made a mistake so krishna says Something is the it has turned something has turned out to be mistake in terms of the result that came out from it so krishna says Have the vritti of a paishunam Anyone knows what a paishunam means A paishunam is one of the qualities of the daivi prakriti And abhayam sattva samshuddhi like that the whole list goes on and this is prabhupada translates as aversion To fault finding That sometimes we may have to find faults But we don’t look forward to doing it We are averse to finding faults And then even when there is a fault even though there is a mistake Try to look for what it means is the least negative cause for the mistake So If somebody has made a mistake try to look for the least negative cause for the mistake so this will be the Essence of the class now the the last part or the last part is a very big part Not necessarily. I’ll use the word Jam to explain this sometimes our communication can get us into a jam and sometimes our communication can get us out of a jam So whenever there is a mistake Now, why did that mistake happen it could be a judgement error Say we had a programme and One person said that you know, there are two people in the kitchen one said let’s cook for about 100 people The person said no no food will go waste.
Let’s cook for around 70 people And they cook for 70 people And then it turns out that 100 people come And then now That is a judgement error Anybody can make a judgement error. Okay. I didn’t think so many people would come for this talk for this particular programme So we all are human and we make errors So now it’s a mistake and it has to be dealt with but a judgement error Should be forgiven.
We all are prone to make mistakes So Somebody plans. Okay, we want to go for this programme and it takes about one hour But then it takes one hour if there’s no traffic And here this I didn’t you didn’t anticipate the traffic. Maybe there was some sports event or some political event But then that’s a judgement error now We all make mistakes now beyond judgement error Sometimes it can be an ability deficiency That means the person just does not have the ability And not everybody has every ability so Some people are very forgetful Then we tell them can you get these these these things? and then They come they’re not only forgotten.
They’ve forgotten that they’ve forgotten also And that can become very irritating You know, so at least they’re apologetic but they are so so utterly unconcerned So some people just don’t have the ability some people just have say a Little rough voice or a little bit harsh way of speaking or a very loud voice maybe They come off as a little angry or rough. Maybe they are a little rough in their behaviour Now If a person who is prone to a little rough speech or a prone to get angry Now if we put that person in devotee care Then somebody has to put us first in devotee care So that is just the wrong service some people just don’t have the ability Say somebody can’t play a musical instrument very well and then We put them in that service And we realise okay, you know, this was a mistake but if that person is very enthusiastic They just want to play that instrument every time It’s like then we have to tell them it’s a little more painful To tell someone that they made a judgement error It’s it’s it’s painful but to say that you don’t have this ability That is much more painful Now we could put it more softly by saying maybe you you can practise a little bit more And then you can develop that ability but sometimes you know, sometimes You just some people just they don’t have the capacity to develop that ability only But that happened with me for music when I tried to learn it I had two three different devotees trying to teach me and finally One devotee told me Prabhu you can use this as a next lifetime project So So sometimes we just lack an ability And it was really painful at that time, but then I accepted it. So sometimes we just don’t have an ability now while that is Painful but what is the most painful is if there is A suspicion or allegation about the motive You know, you deliberately wanted to make a mess of this You know, you deliberately cooked less food so that people would be unhappy when they would come for a programme So now when we go to the motive for someone That’s very hurtful Say, you know when a couple is parenting children You know each individual may have a slightly different parenting style No, the mother may say don’t be too hard on the child Be a little kind be a little liberal the father may say let’s be a little strict.
Let’s give new rules You know now both may both have the best intention of the child But it’s a difference in approach Now which is right? Well, we can’t know every we can’t see the future But both the mother and the father are more or less convinced that each the other person has the best interest of the child so now If say one of the parents accuses the other parent, you know, you Want to hurt hurt our child Now that would be extremely painful So in our in our spiritual situation when We start accusing Someone and you are a deviant You know, you’re deviating from Shilaprabhupada Or you’re deviating from Shastra And why are you doing that, you know, because you want cheap success you want popularity Then that is a very serious accusation so when we are See somebody committing a mistake And it’s a mistake and the results have come out to be wrong and it’s undeniable But what exactly happened over there? So a paishunam means Aversion to fault finding means start with the least Negative Least negative explanation don’t jump to the most negative explanation so The least negative explanation is judgement error could be ignorance, you know, maybe you’re not experienced enough Ability deficiency is incompetence If the person doesn’t have the capacity to do it, but motive suspicion is malevolence That actually you want to hurt others hmm Say somebody is a soldier and that soldier is supposed to Guard a particular place And the soldiers or that somebody’s in charge of a body. Maybe a general or whatever Uh injure colonel and they say, okay, maybe you can have 30 soldiers over here guarding But then the enemy attacks with 100 soldiers over there And they destroy that was a judgement error, but somebody accuses a soldier actually You know you were bribed by the enemy and that’s why you had less soldiers over there Would that be true? Well, it can be But when we jump to that or when you make that accusation It’s it’s going to be extremely hurtful And it can ruin relationships If it is not true Okay So now i’ll talk about one pastime which illustrates this particular principle of two characters They faced a very difficult situation and how What was the? Attribution that was done for a particular action. So this is from the ramayan In the ramayan there are two major Incidents that are plot twists and suddenly change the trajectory of the story which are the two incidents the abduction of sita and the the exiling of Exiling of ram.
Yes, so i’ll be talking about the Abduction of sita Now almost 13 years of the exile were nearly over and Sita was in their hermitage. She was just watering some plants outside and she saw suddenly Just a stunningly beautiful deer And she immediately called out to ram and lakshmi now suppose we are just looking out of the window and we see a beautiful rainbow Hey, come on. See it.
It’s so beautiful. They came and they all just see how beautiful it is looking at it And as they’re looking at it Sita said to ram, you know, this is so beautiful. I haven’t seen anything like this Can you get this as a pet We can have it for some time and then we can take it back And we can give this as a gift as a memento from our forestry for to mother kaushalya and lakshman Lakshman always had that role of a guard So he was he says You know, this doesn’t look like a deer Now a deer is a harmless creature and all other none other creatures are afraid of a deer But no other creature is coming close to it There’s something suspicious So sita was so excited to see that deer says it is your mind that is too suspicious She didn’t pay much attention.
She says ram. Can you please get it now ram said that i’m thought that sita has Sacrificed so much for him. He came to the forest never complained And she’s hardly asked anything from him.
So she’s asking us. Let me go and then Sita had thought is ram will spring on that Uh deer and catch it But as he ran toward the deer the deer started running away and then They disappeared Disappeared it disappeared disappeared A lot of time passed away And as the time passed away Sita’s anxiety started increasing And There that deer was actually marija Lord ram followed him long distance into the forest and finally when he realised this deer was Magically appearing disappearing jumping in a long distance that way that no deer could jump He finally concluded that this is not a deer This is something Suspicious over here. So he decided to shoot it And the moment he shot Now marija at that time the arrow pierced his body and he immediately called out Lakshman sita just called out extremely loudly Now I was giving a talk in australia and one devotees one boy.
He asked me No, why didn’t ram call out? Hey, that’s not me The whole problem could have been solved So Yeah, that whole problem could have solved at one level but the thing is lord ram doesn’t always act as god He’s doing naraleela Naraleela means he’s doing a human like pastime And within the human like pastime He does not generally exhibit supernatural strength So the demons are actually physically much more powerful than humans And that’s why a demon’s voice is also much more louder than a human voice and that’s why Lord ram’s voice Would not have reached back So ram made sure that the deer is actually dead and he turned back and ran In the meanwhile when sita heard this Now she was already in great anxiety She’s lakshman Did you hear that? Please go to ram And lakshman said That’s not ram no, he’s not in any danger that’s Nobody who heard that voice. He says no. No, that’s just the same demon who had probably Impersonated rear now he’s impersonating ram Now lakshman was trying to calm sita See, there’s nothing ram is not in danger.
That’s what But sometimes what happens is we are disturbed over something And then we tell someone else that what that we are disturbed about that thing And now if that person just stays very calm Then we get disturbed that they are not disturbed This is serious, why are you not taking it seriously? So Lakshman was trying to calm sita But sita got even more disturbed. He says why are you not going you think I cannot recognise my husband’s voice? You know, this is ram’s voice Now I just no no, you know ram ram is not in danger This could all be a plot. Oh, it is.
I’ve been told to be here with you to protect her Now what happened for sita was on one side? there was Anxiety about ram’s will be But on top of that there was a creeping guilt Notice that I who send him over there It was I who sent him over there And she thought this is a small thing, you know, we say we want to buy something from a shop He said can you go and buy it? And this let me say that the weather forecast is going to storm Or the shop is just nearby in five minutes. You can go and come the storm is going to come only after half an hour And then that person goes and it’s gone for half an hour 45 minutes one hour When the storm has hit that area So what has happened is this guilt That we might have got the other person in trouble And then on top of that for her Not only is it because of me ram might be in trouble But because of me Now ram is not getting any help She said i’m not in any danger, please go And Lakshman is just not ready to meet ram is not in danger. I have to be here with you so in her despair Sita just lost it And of course all this is a transcendental pastime and these are all divine characters But we can learn at our ethical level at psychological level so Sita is trying to you know, why is he not going? Now at one level it’s a difference of judgement You know sita is thinking that is actually ram And lakshman is saying it is not ram So there is a difference of opinion over here But sita was so desperate for ram’s protection that she Said that Lakshman, please go.
No, i’m not going to go Now after some time lakshman just stopped listening to sita also Because lakshman was suspicious that there might be an attack and there might be an ambush. So he was on guard everywhere seeing what is happening And when sita felt that she was being neglected She just became so angry And with her intelligence, she was just somehow trying to make sense. Why is lakshman not going? And she was not even in one sense not even aware.
It was just an emotion made her so desperate sometimes what happens is We have our intelligence And we have our mind So sometimes our mind becomes so big that our intelligence is just sidelined Hmm That means that we just speak something which Which we don’t we’re not even thinking what you’re speaking but sometimes what happens is Our mind becomes so big but the mind drags the intelligence along That means we use our intelligence We don’t just sideline the intelligence. We use our intelligence to justify How to make sense of or to just more and more and more like to justify our mind’s emotions So what happens is sita says I know why you’re not going Now you have an evil eye on me you want me for yourself Now when lakshman hears this while he’s he’s focussing on he’s just shocked to hear this Yes and Sita just goes on her Rant, she says she just goes so you will never fulfil your desire. I would rather die than be touched by anyone else Lakshman says what are you speaking? He also realises that you know what you’re you don’t know what you’re speaking, please stop But sita is so filled with anxiety for ram.
He says that You will never have your desire Lakshman feels so hurt by this That what has happened over here is from a judgement error. It has gone down to motive suspicion You want your brother to die? So she says I just can’t bear this Lakshman says i’m afraid that You know if I leave you Something terrible may happen to you But I just cannot stay here And then lakshman Just runs away to find where ram is And then he runs into the forest following the footsteps of ram And as he goes deep into the forest Then he hears some loud noise He hides behind a bush And that’s his bow and arrow ready and he’s watching and suddenly he sees ram And when he sees ram His anxiety goes down He’s relieved to see ram But ram is anxious to see lakshman What happened? Why did you sit down? Why are you here? Lakshman is still so broken He can’t even bring those words to his mouth he said Ram and lakshman both are running back towards sita. What happened? Why did you sit down and then somehow lakshman speaks? And ram just says, you know, she was just in anxiety.
Why do you take her words so seriously? Now Lakshman experiences what sita had been experiencing. This is a serious thing. How could she speak something like this? But lakshman says you shouldn’t have taken it seriously But then they both run back And when they come They found that Sita is not there at all Now at this point Lakshman doesn’t say serves her right You know, she spoke like that about this is what should have happened to her No What happens is that we all Sometimes life is tough and we all Can get affected by it? so You know, we are all sometimes in tension Sometimes life may put us in a lot of tension so Don’t see intention In what is spoken intention So what is spoken intention don’t see intention in that So on one side What sita does is wrong What she the allegation she makes is bad, but what lakshman doesn’t he doesn’t hit back at her It is not that when they fight a war and the war gets over and then he meets sita He says okay.
Where is your apology? I’ve been waiting for six months now No, you know that was just a difficult time and it happened over there so On one so on one side somebody else They make a terrible accusation against us It will hurt us But if we hold it against them So from their side it is a motive so they have they have questioned our motives But they’re questioning our motive Is a judgement error on their part So we don’t have to see a motive in that, you know, this is you wanted to frame me You have these kind of thoughts about me. No So let it go So even if the other person sees the more negative motive, we don’t have to start seeing the more negative motive He said okay let it go so A couple of years ago when I had come to america. I was staying at one devotee’s home and This devotee has brought his father from india And he didn’t have a mother Mother had passed away when he was quite young so I was staying there for a few days and his father was Appreciative bhakti not really practising bhakti But this father had a lot of interest in english literature and I was growing up also interested in english literature So he started talking about those things and we developed a sort of relationship.
So one day This devotee told me that no My father is very cold towards me I want to I want to serve him. I will take care of him. I’m thinking of Getting him settled in america trying to do the immigration, but You know, he’s always very cold with me So I had also noticed a little bit of that so then when we were talking his father said that I want to tell you something an incident that actually Broke my heart So I said what happened so he said when his His wife means this devotee’s father had passed away.
He was in he was in 10th Just giving his 10th exam before that a few months before that he passed so he said he was my son was preparing for the 10th and Uh, he was studying late into the nights. He was studying till almost one o’clock two o’clock And he told me That when I went to sleep that please wake me up at four o’clock And then You know, I was sleeping waking up. I was also going to sleep because of lost my wife So then I woke up at four o’clock and I woke him up I shook him.
I touched him. I shook him, but he didn’t wake up. I tried once I tried twice.
I tried thrice He didn’t wake up And then I thought that maybe he’s very tired and if he doesn’t get enough sleep and even if he Goes for the exam will not be fresh enough. It’s not good for him. Let him sleep So then he woke up around 6 30 And when he woke up so angry He just woke up all the time and he just yelled at me he said, you know You ruined my you ruined my preparation for this exam.
You ruined my life. This is most important exam of my life. He says It would have been better If instead of my mother you had died And he spoke those words and just he said It just shattered me completely Then I told him Did you tell have you told this to your son? He said no, what is the use now? You know, it’s like the the arrow has already left the bow.
He already spoke those words I asked him. Can I tell him this? He said you’re okay if you want to Then I told him and your father has told me something and then I narrated the incident He was completely aghast He said I can’t believe that I spoke these words he said that all that I remember that incident was all that I remember was that I saw after my mother passed away. My father was so Morose, he was constantly sad And I wanted to do something to cheer him up So I thought if I study very well, I get good marks in the exam Then He will be happy it brings some light into his life And that’s why I was working harder than For any other exam that I had worked And it was that anxiety.
So I knew I was in that anxiety, but I don’t even know what I spoke at that Then then he went to his father and his father fell at his feet sought forgiveness And I told what had happened from his side and His father was still so hurt Then I I sat down both of them and I told them this story This particular story of Sita’s statement and Lakshman’s statement So then his father embraced his son And then they reconciled So the thing is that what was spoken was terrible but from his perspective You know his his intention was completely opposite of What actually appeared the words he spoke? They’re very hurtful But actually those words came from a place in a heart Which is completely opposite. It was out of his wanting to please his father and uplift his father’s mood that he was in that anxiety So I don’t see intention In what is spoken intention? So generally speaking if somebody has made a mistake so start with the least negative motive The least negative motive Srila Prabhupada was expert in this Even in some of his early disciples and they were they were into encounter culture. They were part of taking drugs also So some now taking drugs is one thing but sometimes they were also into peddling drugs so one of them had to the their Past crimes caught up with them and they had to go to jail.
They were very embarrassed, you know, Swamiji He’s such saintly person and he now He has initiated us and now You have to go to jail So this is what has happened and Prabhupada said even Krishna was in a jail So Prabhupada was so In one sense, he just downplayed the whole thing. He saw that their heart was in the right place Yes, they had done something in the bad in the past, but okay It is not that you are a terrible person, it’s not that How could you just have something like this it’s made it like a it was a judgement error from the past but Prabhupada just downplayed it So when we do this then we give others the space to improve If we don’t do that Then what happens is it is it becomes more about I proving that I am right and I’m proving that you are wrong rather than I helping you to Do what is right? But then then if we try to just okay, the communication would be That okay and sometimes things happen We all learn from our experiences And okay, we tried it this way and what do we learn from it? So rather than focussing on why did you make this mistake? If you’re training someone change the question so What have you learned from it? Now that’s see that small question instead of I told you so Yeah, just see how much different is I told you so So now of course you can say so what have you learned from it? That could still come off as Not So, let’s see what we have learned from this we could make it a little more non-judgemental a little more inclusive So that way it helps the other person to grow And of course there could be times when a person has a wrong motive and that’s the time when we have to take strong actions but Those are rare And assuming that that is the case Will ruin relationships when they don’t have to be ruined Now you see if somebody has made a mistake and they are earnest And that’s the time Actually, it’s a make or break kind of thing if we are we are understanding and we are helpful and encouraging the bond that will form in that time will be will be very very Thick and deep at that time so To make one last point here so I was talking I was in australia. I was staying at one devotee’s home and this dude is telling me that my That when my child was small he was practising bhakti so wonderfully But now he’s become a teenager and I don’t know where my child has disappeared so then I’m also this This young son.
He was driving me to different places for programmes. So he started talking various things I like words. So he also likes words.
So he used to play some word games and then He told me at one time, you know, I I feel as if My parents don’t love me at all. I feel as if my parents love a future version of me