I broke a one-sided relationship but now I feel I should have tried more – what should I do?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
so if we were in a relationship where we got no reciprocation and despite our best efforts we were always in the cold shoulder we decided to end the relationship finally because nothing was working and now we feel guilt that maybe I should have tried a little bit more so what can we do in such a situation there are two extremes one is that just because the relationship doesn’t work, we have to break it the other is just because the relationship is there we allow it to go even to abusive levels where both are unhealthy so one thing which is important is that sometimes there are relationships you know, there are different levels of expectation we can have in different relationships so sometimes we expect a closer level of intimacy but other person is not ready for that level that relationship may still work but at a more distanced level they say that good fences make good neighbours good fences make good neighbours so there is a clarified expectation this is my land, this is your land that is not clear unless there is conflict so basically in many relationships what is the expectation that needs to be clarified and now sometimes we feel that the other person is not reciprocating but they didn’t think that this is what I was expected to do in that relationship so now that is a possibility now having said that we are not meant to just break a relationship because of one small thing going wrong knowledge that we have to endure lifelong torture in the name of a relationship what is important is that we set the we clarify expectations then many times we may not have the same fulfilling relationship but we can have a manageable relationship a reasonable relationship so that is the best way to adjust, breaking up relationship especially if they are central to a family that is not good and it should be considered only as an absolute last step but if something has been done the important thing now is that okay what has been done has been done there is no point in letting guilt burden us see guilt is it serves a constructive purpose that is it protects us from unhealthy things, psychological it’s like if I go too close to a fire I feel hot and that heat protects me from unwittingly entering into fire that heat is meant to be protected so like that guilt protects us from the fire of wrongdoings guilt is good but sometimes this guilt which is meant to be protected it can actually distort it where it is not guilt but it is pseudo guilt what do you mean by pseudo guilt let’s say if this is the right thing I am here this is the wrong thing so guilt is what is meant to protect me from doing the wrong thing, stop me from doing the wrong thing but sometimes the guilt becomes a burden it just discourages and disempowers everything and then that guilt instead of stopping us from doing the wrong thing it stops us from doing everything including the right thing also, just feel I am worthless, I can’t do anything everything that I do makes a mistake so now rather than okay what was done was done maybe in the future I will get a clearer understanding of whether it was right or wrong whatever intelligence I had at that time I had, I made a decision that’s over now let me move on, let me try to focus on doing what is the right thing, sometimes over with with the passage of time we get a clearer perspective, sometimes we are too close to an event the emotional distance is not much and then we can’t be perceived so focus now on trying to not act based on guilt focus on acting based on intelligence so with your intelligence whatever is the next step forward you take that and sometimes the important thing is to have the vertical relationship strong we have horizontal relationship with others and we have a vertical relationship with Krishna and to the extent that sometimes the vertical relationship is strong to that extent in the horizontal relationships whatever storms come we are better able to deal with them because our sense of self worth, our sense of self security, if it is coming only from a horizontal relationship and that relationship runs into a problem and we become very insecure but if we have a strong vertical relationship with Krishna, we practice bhakti, we have experienced Krishna’s presence, his shelter, his remembrance, the sweetness of it, then we get a substantial sense of our security within from our relationship with Krishna and then we can act more maturely in our horizontal relationships generally if one relationship has not worked out, the instinctive reaction is, now let me try another relationship, maybe this will work out but then what happens, the wounds from the previous relationship are still there even the mistakes may be there from ours, they are also there and those scars they prevent us from acting in another relationship so it is best to take a pause focus on strengthening our vertical relationship and with that vertical relationship strengthened then we will be able to act better in our horizontal relationship better not to rush from one relationship to another but rather focus on the vertical relationship, then the next relationship we will be able to develop it better