If a relationship is severely strained but it has to go on what to do?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

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So, if say there is strain in the marital relationship, or there is strain in the parental relationship with the children, then the relationship has to go on, but how can it go on amidst so much strain or negativity? Yeah, I will focus on this in the next class, where I will be talking more about how we can see our relationship as a service and sometimes we do the service even when that other person is not amicable. But at this stage, I would say two things.
First is that every relationship can function at a particular level of expectation. And some relationships, you know, even if parents know if they have two, three different children, two, three children, then not all children are the same and they have to treat each child as an individual and interact appropriately with that child. So, sometimes if we just understand what we can expect in a relationship, then we need to moderate our expectations and that moderation of the expectations may make the relationship less fulfilling, but then it will also make the relationship less frustrating.
In general, frustration is a function of expectation. The more there is expectation and the expectation is not fulfilled, there is frustration. If there is less expectation, then there is less frustration also.
So, if some relationships are strained, then rather than expecting them to conform to some ideal, which is not necessarily ideal in a utopian sense, but ideal, we might have seen how say parental relationship, how parent-child relationship is in our generation, the way we dealt with our parents. But the way our children deal with us, it’s very different. So, we cannot expect children of today’s generation, they are very different.
The world has changed, in many ways the world has changed more in the last 30-40 years than it has changed in the last 300-400 years. So, we cannot expect too much from others in today’s world. So, we have to, first of all, moderate our expectations.
That means, it’s said that good fences make good neighbors. So, if the expectations are not clarified, if the parents are expecting something from the children and the children don’t think that’s what they are expected to do. They don’t feel that they need to do so much.
So, then this is not easy to negotiate, but to the extent that it is negotiated, so sometimes some relationships just need to function at a different level. We all have a need for intimate relationships, close relationships in general, but we cannot expect closeness in all relationships. We might have one or two relationships which are close and in trying to get closeness in other relationships, that’s what causes them to become more strict.
So, if we understand that there will be a certain level of distance and at this level of distance, this relationship can function reasonably well. So, frustration is a function of expectation and by decreasing expectation, we can find that relationships which seem to be dysfunctional earlier, which seem to be very distressing, they become at least functional at a somewhat greater distance. The second thing is that when we find that a particular relationship is breaking down for whatever reason, then it is very important to have honest communication.
Now, how that honest communication will be worked out, that we’ll have to see. Sometimes we may need a mediator, some person whom both people trust and then both of them can speak out and understand each other. One reason why relationships become strained is that people speak about each other instead of speaking with each other.
If A and B have a problem and A doesn’t speak to B or B doesn’t speak to A, A goes and speaks to C and D and B goes and speaks to E and F and then C and D tell what A spoke to B and E and F tell what B spoke to A. But in each of these speakings, intentionally or unintentionally, people add their own distortions. It’s like a game of Chinese whispers, but here it is not a funny game. It is a tragic game.
So then when A thinks, oh B spoke like this about me, horrible. And then B thinks, oh A spoke about this, like this about me. Then we see each other through the filter of what others have spoken about other person.
So A is not seeing B for what B is. A is seeing B through the filter of what E and F have told. So that makes things worse.
So if there can be some trustworthy friend, devotee, relative, whoever, who can act as a mediator, that’s fine. But otherwise, it’s best to, when both people are calm, have some honest communication. And by that honest communication, at least we can understand what the other person is expecting or what the person is frustrated about.
Sometimes we have a particular conception of what is wrong and this I just can’t do. What this other person is demanding is too unreasonable. I can’t do this.
And we feel, this person, why is he not doing it? So there may be certain things which we can’t do and certain things which the other person can’t do. But there are things which we can do and certain things which the other person will also be ready to do. So if there is clear communication, it’s not easy because when the relationship is hostile, it’s not easy.
But somehow, if we work out a proper place, a proper time, a proper atmosphere for having some candid conversation, then we will be able to find out that yes, there are things which we both were misunderstanding because we were hearing through the filter of others. Now we talk face to face. It can be painful initially because when we hear the other person’s anger, the other person’s suspicions, whatever.
But if we can go through that, Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita, that what happens in the mode of goodness is that which tastes like poison in the beginning will taste like nectar in the end. So generally when we have a problem with a person, it’s easy to go and talk with others. And if others are also sympathetic, we say, this person is so bad.
Another person says, yeah, he’s so bad. And both of us have a jolly good time beating up the other person. But what happens is, this is like nectar in the beginning.
But when that other person goes and tells, say A speaks something about B to C and C and A have a jolly time bashing up B. But then C goes and tells B that A said this. Then Pariname Vishamiva. The result is poison.
On the other hand, if A and B decide to meet each other, there is animosity in it. And it’s difficult. So it’s like poison in the beginning.
But if they meet each other and they can weather the poison, they can go through that poison, then actually they come to an understanding. Okay, I never knew you wanted me to do this. I thought you were just so angry that you were just always finding fault.
I could have done this. Yeah, I could have done that. So then we can come to some understanding.
It may not be exactly nectar, but it will be much more positive. So when relationships are getting strained, moderating our expectation and establishing candid communication are ways in which we can improve the relationship. Of course, if we see that relationship as a service to Krishna, then that can help us to become more tolerant and humble.
And that is also positive. But just seeing the Krishna factor, how does that translate into practical action? That is through, I talk about these two things, moderating our expectation and increasing direct communication. Thank you.