​If I don’t feel disturbed when my loved ones face problems, am I becoming heartless?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Sometimes when a loved one face problems, and earlier where we would be very much grief struck when they had serious problems, but now after we become devotees, we try to philosophically understand that problem. Either maybe it’s some past karma or that destiny is unavoidable.
And that way we don’t get that much disturbed. But is not being disturbed when our loved one is in distress, is that a sign of heartlessness? Or is that a sign of our escaping our responsibilities? There are three different things which should not be confused. There is detachment, there is apathy, and there is insensitivity.
Detachment means one is not emotionally invested in something. Apathy is when one doesn’t care for it at all. And insensitivity means one does what one wants to do.
And whatever way it affects others, I don’t care. So they are quite different. I’ll explain a little bit more.
So I would say in this case, insensitivity and apathy, both will fall in irresponsibility. So there can be a lack of emotion in a particular situation for various reasons. One is because one does not care at all for it.
Or there can be a lack of emotion also because one cares for something higher. For example, if there are parents and their son is going to the army, where the army is going to fight a war. At that time, naturally, the parents will be worried.
What is going to happen to my son? But at the same time, they will bless their son to go for the war. If they love the country, then they will naturally bless them and they will want the child to go. Because there is actually affection to the son, but there is also a higher affection.
There is a sense of a higher duty. So now, there can be cases where the parents and son have no relationship only. And the parents don’t care what the son is doing.
You just go. Whatever you want. It’s your life.
You go there. We don’t care. You never listen to us.
Whatever. So that same party, that son going to a war zone, that can have different emotional dynamics involved over there. So similarly, when we practice bhakti, it is not so much of becoming emotionless or heartless.
It is more of getting a place where we invest our emotions higher. And once we invest our emotions higher, then higher means in Krishna and our relationship with Krishna. Then it is not that we are not affected by other things, but we are not that much affected.
So when is it that if our loved ones, when it would be that it’s heartless? When our loved ones are having some trouble? That is when if we don’t care for them at all. We don’t do anything at all for helping them when we have the capacity to help them. So in that sense, if we are neglecting what we can do for them, then that is irresponsible.
That is heartlessness. But if we are doing what we can and then beyond that, we know there is not much more we can do. So sometimes our mind makes us think that to worry is my duty, isn’t it? And if I’m not worrying, then I’m not doing my duty.
But I would say that sentiment underlying it is correct. But there are two emotions which can be similar. One is planning and preparing for the future and the second is worrying about the future.
So in terms of what we are looking at, both are similar. We are looking at the future. But the difference between planning and worrying is primarily in terms of who is in control.
Either I am in control or my mind is in control. When my mind is in control, my mind randomly takes me to this possibility, that possibility, that possibility. And I just get paralyzed.
So I don’t think of anything constructive to deal with the various possibilities that might be there. So the mind is in control and it’s like the mind is showing you the horror movie and you’re getting more and more and more horrified. You’re doing nothing with it.
And that is actually very disempowering. In fact, sometimes what happens, in some cases, one person faces a problem and on hearing that problem, the other person gets so anxiety filled that then dealing with that person becomes an additional problem for the first person. Isn’t it? So, that’s why sometimes in some families, when some elder or someone, they’re going through a problem, they may not tell their other family members also, I’m going through this problem.
Because their reaction may add to the problem. So it’s not that excessive emotionality is a sign of affection. We may say it’s a sign of affection, but excessive emotionality can become a burden also for our loved ones.
We say, I’m caring for you, but in caring for you, we are actually adding to their burden. That can also happen. So, that is about worrying.
When we are planning for the future, that means we are in control. And we take our mind to the future. Okay, this is one thing that can happen.
And then what can be done if this happens? Okay, this is something can happen. What can we do about this? And then we are more, our thinking is more productive. It is not just wandering.
And we may not come up with solutions, but at least we come up with some action points. This is what can, this can be done if this happens, this can be done if this happens, this can be done if this happens. And usually speaking, after worrying, we feel more fearful, more disempowered.
Whereas after planning, we feel more prepared, more confident. So, while planning is good. And if our loved ones are facing problems, then we should plan.
Okay, so if this is what has happened to them, then what are the solutions? If now this has happened, if this happens, we can do 1, 2, 3. If this happens, we can try this 1, 2, 3. So, planning, now it is not that our plans will necessarily work out. But at least we are more prepared. So, when something very serious has happened to them, and we are so lost in our own life that we don’t even think about it, then that could be a sign of heartlessness.
But one extreme is heartlessness, but the other extreme is sentimentality. Where there is so much control of emotions that there is nothing productive happening. So, no emotions being invested and excessive emotions being invested in something, both are undesirable.
Now, within, once we start practicing bhakti, the philosophy does help us to deal with problems, whether it is in our life or in others’ lives. So, it is not that the philosophy, it is possible sometimes that the philosophy can make us heartless. But it is not necessary.
If, for example, if somebody has faced a serious problem, somebody has just maybe lost some loved one or something, and we dump our philosophy on them at that time, it was your own karma because of which this happened, that would be horrendously heartless to speak like that. So, nobody does, so we see in the scriptures, when Draupadi is dishonored, it is not that anybody tells that it is your own karma because of which this happened. They all say it is unjust and they try to correct it.
So, in that sense, just trying to explain away the problem by philosophy, that is not at all proper. The problem is real and sometimes for dealing with the problem, some philosophical expressions can help us. And if they help us, we accept them.
If they don’t help us, then we put them aside. It is not my business. So, for example, a senior devotee falls very sick.
And I start thinking, you know, I thought you were a very advanced devotee, but you have fallen sick, you have got this disease, that means you must have done very bad karma, you know, that is why you got this disease. If I start thinking like that, then where will be my service attitude? So, I have to see what is the best way in which I can act in this situation. So, now, if your parents are going through a very difficult situation, at the very least, if your parents know that you are safe, you are secure, then that is one worry less for them.
If they come to know that you are also completely emotionally shattered by this, and you are very grief struck, then that becomes like additional worry for them. So, in that sense, it is not that we are being heartless. We are actually doing what we can in our power.
So, in one sense, there is physical limitation. You are here, they are there. How much can you do from here? So, if you feel that you are not doing much for them, it’s possible you can take up some special devotional practice for them.
Maybe you can chant some extra rounds on a daily basis, or you can, maybe there is some Narasimha Kavach mantras, some special prayers to Lord Narasimhadev. You can plan that. It doesn’t take much time, but you can recite it once a daily or something like that.
If you have inclination for astrology, you can consult astrologers about specifically what you can do. But if you don’t have that inclination, there is no need to do that. But in general, intensifying our devotional practice in some limb which we feel inspired to do, that can also give us a feeling that, yes, I cannot do anything tangibly right now here, but at least I am doing this.
So, whatever feeling that is there in our heart that maybe I don’t care enough, it’s a feeling which at one level, it’s not true because what can you do in this situation? But if you can’t, but still the feeling is there, if that is what you need to address, then you can address it by doing something tangible. Some devotees, they chant some extra rounds. Chanting extra rounds is quite common, but that is not the only thing.
You may decide that, okay, this now, this Chaturmasya is going on. So, maybe I will do some Bhagavat Parayan. I will read Bhagavatam every day or I will do Kirtan every day or maybe I will make an extra offering to the Deities or whatever.
You see what is practical, what inspires you and that way you can… and whatever bhakti you are doing, that you can offer to them. You pray to Krishna, please, please, you eat the fruits of this, help my parents, help my father. So, that way if you do, you will also get a sense that I am doing something tangible for them.
And if circumstances come where, a situation comes where there is something which is tangible, which you can do for them, then surely you will be ready to do it. So, if, let’s say, heartlessness happens when, first of all, we don’t even think or we don’t sympathize with their problems, we don’t even think about their problems or that’s in terms of thoughts or second is we don’t do anything practical when we have the capacity to do. But, it is not that just being anxious is a sign that I care a lot.
That is, yes, we do care, but you know, love is expressed or love is seen not just by the expression of emotions, it is seen also by the restraint in showing emotions. So, sometimes say, now, if you have a child who is to go to college for higher studies. Now, as a mother, you may, you may feel very, you know, my child is going away from me for the first time.
But if the child is also sentimental, also overly sentimental, he says, my mother is crying and I will not go to school. No, at that time, you know, you may have to, your love will come out, not just by Christ, you must bless him and encourage him to go. So, sometimes love is shown by expressing our emotions.
Sometimes we may show our love also by restraining our emotions. And some people may feel that when we are restraining our emotions, we don’t care. But it is not necessarily like that.
In the Bhagavad Gita it is said that when the warrior, when Krishna was going out, when Krishna was going from Kurukshetra to Dwaraka, so at that time, Draupadi and all the other Kuru ladies, they were crying because Krishna was leaving. They were very grief struck. But then at the last moment, they said that they did not let their tears come out.
Because it is said that when a warrior is going away, you know, to see tears, if tears is the last thing that they see, that is considered inauspicious. So, they restrained their emotions at that time. All the tears were there, they did not let it come out in their eyes.
So, it is not that just effusive emotionality is necessarily the sign of affection. No. So, by staying composed in the situation, by doing what, at least what you are expected to do, your parents will feel, oh, such a big thing that has gone wrong in our life.
At least one thing is right in our life. Our daughter is fine. Things are going on well in her life.
And then that is one thing less for them to worry. And that is also one way you are prepared to help them when the opportunity comes. Does it address you? Krishna.