​If we don’t grieve at someone’s death, aren’t we devaluing them?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

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and therefore after death we don’t grieve someone’s death.
Does that devalue life? See there is a difference between lamenting and grieving. Bhagavad Gita doesn’t recommend lamenting. But grieving is natural and essential for emotional closure.
You know, there is physical closure when a loved one or a relative passes away. But the emotions are still there. And grieving is a way in which we bring about emotional closure.
So for example, in the Ramayana it is described when Dashrath passed away. At that time in Ayodhya they declared 10 days of nationwide grieving. So it is not that something similar is described when Pandu passes away.
So the point is that the philosophical understanding has to be sensitively applied to practical life. It is not that somebody has lost their loved one and they are crying and say, Hey, you are not the body, you are the soul. Have you forgotten that? You know, at that point our philosophy actually is meant to enhance our humanity.
It is not meant to deny our humanity. That means I should be more than human, not less than human. If I am becoming heartless, then I am less than human.
My spirituality should be making me more than human. That means more than human. I understand I am a human being.
But I am not just a human being. I have a human body. There is more to me than my physical or human size.
So it’s not a matter of devaluing life. It is not that my love for someone is shown by how loudly I cry after they die. It’s not so simplistic.
So some expressions of grief are natural. And those expressions of grief will vary depending on the nature of the person. Some people may cry a lot.
Some people may shed a few tears. Some people may be stoic and not show any emotions. It is not necessary that the separation of emotions or the absence of emotions is necessarily a correlator of spiritual advancement or lack of spiritual advancement.
It is just different people have different levels of emotionality even in their normal way of functioning. So that variation and level of emotionality will come out in the time of death also. So we should focus more on emotional closure and emotional recovery.
Closure means yes, especially it is said that if a person is going to die, then quite often the person, the dying person also needs some emotional closure. For example, if an elderly person’s father was going to die and the father had some quarrel, the son and father had some quarrel. Then sometimes the body is almost broken down.
The elderly person just doesn’t leave the body. And then the son comes and talks and they reconcile. There is apology, there is forgiveness.
And then there is emotional closure. And the person leaves peacefully. So actually, that is emotional closure for the departing person.
They should not have any unresolved emotional tensions. They should not have any unresolved worries. So whatever, we will take care of it.
We should give them that assurance. So from their point of view, that is emotional closure. Now I have got on my website a full answer about what all emotional closure involves for both parties, for the person who is leaving and the person who are staying.
But whatever it takes for emotional closure, we need to do that. Sometimes crying helps to, by expressing those emotions, that helps us to express our love and then that brings emotional closure. Sometimes crying may actually aggravate the situation.
So there is no rigid formula in this. What we should say is, in our normal life, how do we deal with our emotions? See, we need to go beyond, we normally think of two extremes. Either I express my emotions or I repress my emotions.
But actually we need to go beyond expressing and repressing emotions to processing emotions. Okay, I have this emotion right now and I have to deal with it. We need to process the emotion.
Sometimes the best way to process the emotion is to express it. Sometimes the best way to process the emotion is to not express it. That will vary.
And love can be expressed in both ways. For example, say if a child, if a young boy or young girl is a student, they are going to a distant place for their higher studies. And the mother may feel, oh my child, how is he or she going to live alone? She may feel like crying at that time.
But if she starts crying, the child may also be insecure. Should I go away from my parents? The child is very small. And then the child says, oh mummy, I’ll not go away.
Then at that time, the mother may express her love by not showing her emotions. So it is said, especially when warriors are going for fighting, in the first Kanto Srimad Bhagavatam it is described. And Krishna was leaving from Hastinapur.
At that time, the Kuru ladies, Draupadi and others, they felt like crying. It’s almost heartbroken that Krishna is going. But it is said, when a warrior is departing to see the tears of their loved ones, that is considered inauspicious.
So they all kept their tears inside their hearts. They did not let them come out. So sometimes love is conveyed through expressing emotions.
Sometimes love is expressed through concealing emotions. So what is required for us to deal with that situation? We should do that. Does this answer your question? Thank you.