Learn to fail or fail to learn

[Youth meeting at Vrindavan BACE, Nasik, India]

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
address your question? Hare Krishna. Thank all of you for coming to the evening and I will speak on the topic of learn to fail or fail to learn.
What this means essentially is that failure is an unavoidable part of life. And what do we mean learn to fail? We all want to learn to succeed. Nobody wants to learn to fail.
Yes, obviously. But learn to fail means that when we fail and we are unable to do a particular thing, how do we respond to that? How do we deal with ourselves, deal with the situation when something which we have set out to do, we are not able to do? And if we don’t learn to fail gracefully, gracefully means without letting ourselves become overwhelmed by resentment or disappointment, if we don’t do that, then we fail to learn. And if we fail to learn, then we can never better, never become better.
So in that sense, when we learn to fail means learning how to accept when life hands out reversals to us, when we are unable to do what we set out to do, how we respond to that is extremely important in our lives. Now at one level, we in a practical sense understand that we need to go through a series of half successful trials and failures before we succeed, right from the beginning when we are small babies and learn to walk. So the first steps that we take, we try to stand up, we walk, we fall, we may cry and die, but then our parents encourage us to get up again and walk and as we keep falling, rising, walking, gradually we learn.
So learn to fail that context would mean that even if the child falls, the child doesn’t give up. Okay, failing is a natural part of learning and the mother also when the child falls she is also concerned. She will pick up the child, caress the child, but then again she will encourage the child to walk because she knows that without falling the child will never learn walking.
So similarly when we learned our first words we started speaking. We didn’t utter clear words the first time we started speaking. We mumbled something incoherent and after that gradually we started speaking.
When things are external to us in terms of a skill like walking or in terms of a skill like cycling or a skill like again learning a language, we understand that these learning these will take time. We will do wrong and then we will do right. However, when it comes to our personal life, that means when we decide that okay, I am short tempered, I get angry very quickly and I decide I am not going to get angry.
So the next time I feel provoked I will not explode. I will control myself. When it comes to skill development, we understand that I will go through phases when I will fail and gradually improve and learn.
But when it comes to self-mastery, we somehow expect that if I decide to do something, then I should be successful. When in the shoes of self-mastery, if there is a failure, we tend to see that failure not as a part of learning and growing. We tend to see it as a character flaw, as a character deficiency.
I decided I am not going to get angry and I got angry or I decided I am not going to do this and I did that. I am good for nothing, useless. So actually when it comes to issues of self-mastery, we often see failure in terms of guilt and shame, not in terms of it being a natural part of learning and growth.
And because of this, this negative framing of failure, that means if there is a picture and the picture has a frame, so now the picture is the essential thing, but the frame in which we put the picture also it draws attention. So if something is put in a very attractive, expensive place, oh this must be an important person, that’s why the expensive frame is used. Now with respect to picture and frame, the difference is relatively easy to understand, but when it comes to events in our life, we never see events in isolation.
We always see events in connection to what has happened in the past. Sometimes say we speak something to someone, can you please speak that out, suddenly that person explodes, you are always finding faults with me, if you want you pick it up, it’s a small thing I said, why did you explode? Now that particular thing is a very small thing, but actually in their mind there is a particular frame, maybe that day they met many people, many people have found fault with them, too many things have gone wrong with them on that day, and because of that frame which they have in their mind, the event is one small thing, but the way we are framing the event is from our background, our experience, and they are framing the event from their background, and because of this different framing something which seems just a negligible issue, for somebody else it appears intolerable, so what has happened that which appears negligible to one person, that seems unbearable to another person, because of different framing, so they all come from a different frame, but this happens when we all have our frames, so we see things according to the context that we are in, so that’s why for example, if we are coming from a particular cultural background, we are coming from a particular educational background, we are coming from a particular linguistic background, and somebody is from a different cultural, educational, linguistic background, and then the same words that are spoken, they may have very different implications for one person, as they have for other persons, so what has happened, so for example, I was in London, and I gave a class, a college programme, and after that one devotee boy came in to me, you killed it, and he was telling me very joyfully, we are non-vegetarians, we don’t kill anyone, what did I kill, so when he said you killed it, actually in the British idiom, in the British way of speaking, the idea is you killed it means you did an excellent job, it’s like you go for hunting, and then the animal is fleeing, shoot it, you killed it, congratulations, so what has happened is, you killed it has become a, for us, it is killing, it is productivity, how can you do that, who would want to kill and who would congratulate someone for killing someone, so we take the meaning from a particular perspective, in a particular frame, now for them, that word is killed does mean in the sense killing, taking life, but that word has become a general phrase of appreciation, and the specific context from which it emerged is no longer relevant, and because of that, when they use the word you killed it, it means appreciation, I killed it, I feel shocked, what does it mean, so we all have our own frames in which we interpret things, so if I understand this, that my frame is different from your frame, and then we can also understand why some small things which I do, sometimes they disturb the other person too much, and some things which I consider very big, I am troubled by them, but other person doesn’t understand only, because they are coming from a different frame, now with ourselves, when we, anything happens in our life, we frame it in a particular way, so for example, someone has had a very bad day, and then they are just carrying a glass of water or a glass of some juice to give to someone, and then somehow it slips from their hand, and falls, oh no, what, I can’t do anything right, I am good for nothing, I am useless, they just start crying over there, started getting terribly depressed, so here what has happened is, they have taken that event, the event is okay a glass slipped, some liquid is dripped over there, spilled on the ground, it’s not a life destroying event, okay, it’s not even a disaster, it’s just an accident, but for them, they are saying okay I did that wrong, that went wrong, that went wrong, that went wrong, and now this also went wrong, that means if things are going wrong, that means something must be wrong with me, and when they feel that something is wrong with me, they get personal, so when we take life’s events too personal, then what happens is, it can have an unwanted effect on us, so my context is that we are talking about how we need to reframe fear, so if there is a very beautiful painting, but it is put in a very cheap frame, then people will not notice it so much, but it’s a beautiful painting and it’s put in an attractive frame also, then people will notice it, so changing the frame can also change the way people look at the picture, like that we need to reframe feeling, how do I see, okay I decided to do something, I was not able to do it, so if I see that with a sense of guilt and character deficiency and inadequacy, then I become disempowered, I start thinking, no there is something wrong with me, I can never do this right, I become disheartened, but even with respect to self mastery, even with respect to certain habits which we should wish to develop for improving ourselves, it’s an incremental process, an incremental process means that it’s not digital, it’s not 0 or 1, that I decided to do it, I was able to do it, so I’m successful, I couldn’t do it, so I’m faked, so sometimes people make a resolution, many times people make new resolutions, so I was invited for a TV talk show on new resolutions and there was quoting a survey which found that almost 80% of the new resolutions that people make are not new, they had made the resolution in the previous year, they couldn’t keep it, and now they are making the same resolutions again, so now when they are making these resolutions like this, it’s a, they may feel oh I made the resolution and I couldn’t keep it, and after sometimes some people start asking what is the use of making resolutions, anyway I can’t keep them, so here they are seeing the resolution in digital terms, if I keep the resolution then I am a hero, if I fail to keep the resolution then I become a zero, but it’s not like that say if someone decides I want to regulate my sleeping, I want to sleep early so I can wake up, now if they are able to do this, they decide to do this manual resolution, but if they are able to do it for one month, after that somehow something comes up and they have to stay awake late and they can’t wake up early, okay, it’s not that what was done for one month was a loss, what was done for one month is also a gain, and if sometimes they don’t do it, it’s not necessarily a character deficiency, okay, for few days you are not able to do it, you can start once again, and whatever momentum we had set up, whatever habit we had developed, that habit will stay with us, and next time when we start, it will be easier to do it, it will be easier to sustain it, so when we see self-improvement in terms of incremental process, not in terms of a discrete process where there is success or there is failure, rather we see it as a progressive process in which even failing is a part of growing, then we don’t become so negatively affected by the failures, so we learn, okay, because of this, this, this, I ended up doing this, so how could I have responded, otherwise when this happened, maybe I could have done this, if that happened, I could have done this, and then I could have avoided that, so if somebody decided I won’t get angry, and if they get angry next time, that’s not a failure, there is being able to stay away from the for some time, and then afterwards they become angry, they can look back and learn from it, so broadly speaking, we all have a conception that if I do something, I should do it perfectly, and if I can’t do it perfectly, what is the use of doing it, so this idea often comes from the ego, from the ego means we tend to think that if I am going to fast, say on Ekadashi, it’s a holy day, I want to fast, then I will fast nirjan, and I will show how much self-control I have, but somehow if I can’t fast nirjan, then I don’t just take water, I take water, I take juice, I take proper meal and I take more than proper meal, so here instead of okay, I couldn’t come to this, I wanted to be at this level, if I couldn’t be at this level, okay, I can be at this level, but the mind’s idea is if you can’t be at this level, then why do anything, just come down to this level, just give up the whole thing and go to the other extreme, that’s not required, so there is the ego which makes us want either to be a winner and if I can’t be a winner, then I want to be a non-participant, so the ego doesn’t want to be anything less than a winner and here the definition of the winner is also determined by the ego, that means if I do this then I’m a winner, if I’m not able to do this then what is the use of doing it, then I’m a loser, with this conception we just can’t move forward much because that fear of failure is something which disempowers us, which discourages us from even trying to do something, so sometimes you may see some people who are able to do certain things very well, say for example there may be a swing baller and that person starts bowling, the way that baller is able to spin the ball is brilliant and batsmen are bamboozled, how did this ball go from here to there, don’t understand, and people are mesmerised by how this person spins the ball, but if we go back and look at that spinner’s life, they have practised so much, thousands and thousands of times they have practised bowling, and it is because of that practise repeatedly again that they are able to bowl well, and when they are practising maybe hundreds of times they go wrong, I want to bowl here but the ball goes there, I want to bowl here but it doesn’t turn that way, so many things, so many times things go wrong, but it is through the process of doing things wrong that we move towards doing things right, another example, if somebody is shooting targets, say in a shooting contest in Olympics or other games, you have to hit the, what is called the bull’s eye, now again this is also an idiom which has been removed from the context, the idea was a bull is a living person and why do you want to hit the bull’s eye, the eye is such a vulnerable part of the body, but the idea was that if a bull was on a rampage and bulls are fierce creatures, there are rampage and they have sharp horns, they can kill, they can cause death, so at that time you kill the bull, it’s dead, but if you shoot the bull’s eye, the bull gets blinded and because of the blinding and the pain, the bull may stop, if it doesn’t stop, then you kill it, so the idea is you are hitting the bull’s eye and the hitting on target, where you want to hit, so now a player who will say Olympic gold medal, that player has shot and has hit the target, but if we look at that player, it is not that, first time the player shot and hit the target, so many times before that, the player shot and got it wrong and gradually it is going to the fourth circle, third circle, second circle, the first circle and then at the centre, so learning is incremental and the hundreds, thousands of times that people practise, that is what is required, so there is a saying, if you want to double your success rate, then you need to double your failure rate, what that means simply is that, you have to be ready to fail so many times, so that you will succeed at a particular time and if you decide not to try itself, then we are afraid of fail, we don’t do it, so we can’t succeed also, if you are afraid of failure, so there is three things now, there is a conception of oneself, there is a conception of failure and there is a conception of success, these three are related, so when we all have a particular conception of ourselves, by conception I am a very intelligent person or I am good at getting things done, I am good at delegating, I can tell this person to do this, this, this, there is teamwork involved, I can coordinate nicely or I can sing nicely, I can do this nicely, we all have particular conceptions of what we can do and what we also know that we can’t do so well, along with this awareness of what we can do and what we can’t do, we all also have our conceptions of what is important to do and what is not important, so I may consider that memorising things is very important but somehow I have a poor memory, then I will be good at other things but if I think memorising is very important and then I meet a person and I just can’t even remember their name and that person is talking with me as if I am their best friend, I am wondering what is the name of this person, if you are really impressed, yes, it’s good to know people, it’s good to remember people’s name but for some people they don’t remember people’s name, they don’t care of names, for other people if they forget somebody’s name, so how could I forget this person’s name, so the point I am making is there are certain abilities we have and we have certain conceptions of what abilities we should have and of course there are certain abilities, certain skills which we do need to develop while interacting with people but if we don’t have those abilities what do we do, we have to learn to develop them, so when we have a particular conception of ourselves, something which I can’t do, I am not good at this, so the Bhagavad Gita explains that the mind is a very impressionable object, impressionable means that whatever we do that gets impressed on the mind and once it is impressed then doing that thing becomes easier, it requires less effort, it just becomes like a natural or a default choice, because the mind is very impressionable so the result of this impressionability of the mind is that sometimes we are, we end up creating unwanted impressions on the mind, so if I start thinking I am not good at this, I am not good at this, I am not good at this, then that gets repeated, when that gets repeated we start thinking, no, I am not good at this, I am not good at this, I am not good at this, and actually we become bad at it, even if we try something we will not be able to do it, so actually there is the materialistic vision of life where we see I am here and the world is here, and sometimes we think the world is hostile, the world is my enemy, I am at a war with the world, I am all alone, I have to do this, I have to do that, but I am unequipped to do it, what do I do now, I am expected to do this, and I am expected to do this, and I am expected to do this, but I don’t have the ability to do it, what can I do, just become overwhelmed by feelings of negativity, feelings of rejection, feelings of depression, but if we see that it is not just me and the world, it’s me, I am here, the world is here, but beyond both of us is God, is Krishna, mayadhyakshena prakrti suvyate saccharachara, Krishna says that all of material existence moves under my supervision, this means that whatever is happening to us, whatever our situation is, and whatever are our dispositions, situations are external, dispositions are internal, both of them are arranged by the Lord, and what we are presently is suited for what we are meant to be penitent, we just have to make healthy choices within the options that we have. When we understand, when we have this, I was talking about three conceptions, three conceptions about three things, ourselves, failure, and success, so if our conception is that basically I am inadequate, I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I can’t do that, so I am inadequate, I am good for nothing, then that negative conception disembowels us, but if we have a spiritual understanding of life, then we understand that actually the situations around me are arranged by Krishna, the disposition that I have is also arranged by Krishna, and whoever I am, I am also a part of Krishna.
This understanding gives us an assurance that if I just do my best, Krishna will take care of me, when we talk about God, God is not simply a simply something that we or some being that resides in the temple whom we worship or we go to pray to when we are in trouble. Yes, that’s fine that we may know that, but God is a constant living loving presence in our own hearts. As a living loving presence in our own hearts, He is there to guide us.
Sarvasya chaaham rudhi sanhye vishto maddhahasva ter jnanam apohanam chaam veda ishya sarvair ame vedyo vedanta krtve namine vachaham In 15.15, the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna states that sarvasya chaaham rudhinam the hearts of all living beings are situated and why is it situated? surdham sarva bhoktanam jnatvamam shantim vichati surdham sarva bhoktanam When we understand that He is the greatest well-wisher of everyone then we become peaceful shantim vichati we get peace understand ok whatever situations are there whatever dispositions are there it’s ok this is Krishna is my well-wisher Krishna will help me to be with the situation so when we see ourselves not just as isolated beings fighting against a hostile world but we see ourselves as eternal parts of Krishna in a world that is ultimately meant to help us grow towards Him then our vision of ourselves changes to much more positive I talk about changing our conception of failure rather than seeing failure the character efficiency we see failure as a part of the natural process of growing and then beyond that how do we see success quite often we tend to think that success is an event ok I’m studying and if I get this many marks in my exam then I’m successful and those marks are enough for me to get a job or get interest in some college then I’m successful and if I don’t get that then I’m a failure yes because we live in a competitive world there have to be certain parameters certain discrete events which will mark out whether a person is successful or not but you know that parameter is not the only parameter for success one of the greatest paradoxes of modern education is that actually you know if you look at the history of education the purpose of education has gradually degenerated you know at the time of Socrates who was a Greek philosopher similarly in India also Socrates he says knowledge is a molecule that means that the purpose of study the purpose of knowledge is so that we develop virtues we develop good qualities many of you have heard of Euclid and Euclidian geometry so Euclid was a pioneer geometry teacher and when he was teaching geometry one student asked himself how is this learning geometry going to help us practically and how will it help me to earn money Euclid called his servant and told him give him a coin he says he thinks that if he doesn’t get a coin his learning is of no use so the idea at that time was learning is not just for earning it is for something higher it is for actually the joy of learning is there the joy of discovery is there then over a period of time Francis Bacon who was one of the pioneers in the scientific world he said knowledge is power knowledge is power means we want to learn study so that we can we can develop technology we can learn about science so that we control natural phenomena and we can acquire power so knowledge is virtue now virtue also is power virtue means good quality that means power over ourselves when we have knowledge then by that knowledge we expect to develop control over ourselves become better human beings Krishna defines knowledge in terms of qualities in the Bhagavad Gita also in 13.8 to 12 he talks about 20 qualities that comprise knowledge but knowledge from knowledge is virtue it became knowledge is power now if you look today the conception is not that knowledge is power the conception is knowledge is money and which branch should I choose we think okay after I get a degree how much money am I going to get so whichever is the branch that is the most lucrative I will take that branch so we evaluate knowledge in terms of money so that conception has come from knowledge is virtue knowledge is power knowledge is money so the whole education system is geared towards getting students to get marks so that they can get jobs and when they get the jobs then that will attract especially jobs with huge salaries then that will attract most students to come so now it’s thought of that knowledge is for earning for money and yet if you look in today’s world the people who earn the most are not the people who have learned the most in terms of academic education if you look at the people who have become millionaires or billionaires now how many of them had a doctorate or a double doctorate or something like that if you look at the people who started apple or microsoft even look at the people today’s modern people started apple or microsoft or wikipedia or google or any of the amazon none of them were super educated so even if we consider knowledge is for earning we see that the knowledge that we have today doesn’t necessarily make people superlative yes a good degree a good chance to get a good job that you can earn more but when we reduce our conception of success to the social markers of success social markers of success means if a person has this degree that means this person is successful this person has got this much percentage that person is successful if this person has got this kind of job that person is successful these are the social markers of success and they may not be what comprise success for us the bhagwan gita talks about different people with different natures and krishna says this is by working according to your nature by doing the work according to your nature you can attain success so for an artist the artist does not have to become an engineer to be successful the artist has to become a good artist an engineer has to become good a doctor has to become a good doctor so when we see success in very limited terms when we see failure then we see ourselves also in a very reduced version if i can do this i am successful if not but a spiritual worldview gives a more complete and more balanced conception of things that means we understand that actually i am a soul who is a part of god and i have a particular body and a particular mind yes i am in a competitive world today and in this competitive world i have to endeavour and there are certain markers of success i may have to achieve them to move forward but it’s one thing to pursue success or pursue certain markers of success it’s quite another thing to be to let those markers of success define us means if i couldn’t achieve this then i am good for nothing what is the use of my life so when we go in front of a mirror we look how do i look how is my hair combed properly is my dress proper so the mirror shows us who we are now say if the mirror is distorted if the mirror is a concave mirror then what will happen we will look distorted our face will be long it will look very odd what is this so what will happen is that the mirror doesn’t just reflect reality sometimes the mirror may distort reality this is a physical mirror shows us who we are or how we look so similarly there is a social mirror and a social mirror is something in which we constantly keep seeing ourselves so what are people talking about this person says you are good for nothing this person is nothing special this person is nothing useless so in the social mirror when we see ourselves and then if the social mirror is uncharitable the social mirror is unkind the social mirror is unfair then we get a distorted conception of ourselves so we need first and foremost not a social mirror we need a scriptural mirror we need to see ourselves not in the social mirror but in the scriptural mirror scriptural mirror means we study scripture and through studying the Bhagavad Gita we understand who I am truly and I understand that I am part of Krishna and no matter what happens in this world Krishna always loves me Krishna always cares for me Krishna is always with me and Krishna will guide me to learn to grow to move towards enduring success and then once we look at this scriptural mirror we see at the start of the Bhagavad Gita Arjuna was looking at the social mirror and he was thinking if I kill my relatives what do people think of me people think that this person was so greedy that just for getting a kill him he killed his own teacher his own grandson he’s got the kingdom but the kingdom is tainted by the blood of his loved ones what is the use of this so he saw himself in social mirror and he thought I’m a sinner I’m a greedy person how could I do this won’t do this he became dejected but then he heard the Bhagavad Gita what happened by hearing the Bhagavad Gita he saw himself from a scriptural mirror and understood that he is actually his own part of Krishna and actually loved he actually grew so he changed his vision from looking through the social mirror to the scriptural mirror now we may say I still have to live in a society so when I live in a society yes I have to but I can choose what kind of social circle I live in if we live in a social circle that is encouraging appreciative gentle kind humane then that will encourage us yes we all have things which are which need to be fixed within us which are not so good and there are things which are very good within us if we have a social circle where there is an ethos of encouraging not encouraging in a flattering or false sense somebody can’t even sing a basic tune and tell them you are the next singing superstar that is not encouragement that is misleading but yes what you did earlier today what you have done is better than that be positive be encouraging so we need that kind of social circle so we look at ourselves in a scriptural mirror and we understand who we are but we also need because we are social creatures we will see ourselves in a social mirror and only when we have a social mirror that is positive that is encouraging will we be enthused in our life if we are surrounded by people who are very critical you are doing this wrong you are doing that wrong you are not doing this right you are doing that wrong then we will end up discouraged so if we find there are people around us who are critical like that yes that might just be their habit if they are critical we keep a distance from them and we find out others who are affirmative who are encouraging who are positive and thus we move on in our life and by doing this especially if we are in the association of devotees and devotees also who are positive who are encouraging then we will be able to do things which we would otherwise have thought almost impossible to do Krishna Prabhupada when he went to America Krishna Prabhupada went to the lower in New York at that time there was the lower east side there was a place where the hippies were living when I had gone to New York I went to that place where Sri Prabhupada same tree where Sri Prabhupada sat and he started the kirtan over there that tree is still there and they have put a small plaque over there which says this is the tree under which Sri Prabhupada Swami sat and performed kirtan and from here the Hare Krishna movement started so they call that tree as the Hare Krishna tree so in New York and the Tompkins Square Park it is there so now if you see over there now it is a part of Manhattan and Manhattan is one of the most expensive and prestigious parts of New York and India and the whole world but at that time that was a place where people who were hippies were living and there is today an article has come in India about this from hippies to hippies how Sri Prabhupada transformed people so now Sri Prabhupada went there from the traditional Indian perspective actually the western world is considered very degraded it is a place where sinful activities are there a lot of course from the modern Indian perspective western world is considered very elevated if you go to America you think if somebody has gone to America and come back people welcome them as if they have come from the moon so but from the traditional perspective because the culture is much more materialistic so it is considered degraded now the hippies were people who were considered degraded even by Americans all these people they just started taking drugs and doing nothing so they were considered degraded by those who were considered degraded by Indians and Sri Prabhupada went there and he just saw them there they were just so sinful so fallen so useless he would have just looked at them from that perspective a judgemental perspective and he would have alienated them but Prabhupada saw them not from the perspective of the social mirror he saw them from the spiritual mirror they were also souls they were also parts of Krishna and as souls were parts of Krishna they also should be given the opportunity to know about Krishna and Prabhupada saw that some of them were interested saw their interest he started sparking their interest when the spark was there he started fanning that spark and then that grew and grew and grew and many of them became so transformed that they became elevated souls they developed a very exalted spiritual consciousness so this transformation happened because Prabhupada saw them from the scriptural mirror and they saw themselves from the scriptural mirror one time a devotee told Prabhupada you go and start a new centre in London you go and start a centre in Leicester he said Prabhupada I have never done such a thing I don’t know how I can do it how can I go to a new place tell people about Krishna and start a centre he said I don’t have Prabhupada said I have nothing so you know just the statement of Prabhupada that gives the sense of affirmation sense of confidence sense of self-worth he did wonderful things so actually we live in a world where we all need some level of affirmation negativity comes to us from all sides this author has written a book I will conclude with this point the book is titled the art of being miserable who wants to be miserable all of us want to be miserable this is that today’s society has specialised in the art of making people miserable how wherever we go we see we see the advertisements advertisements we see just people who look perfect people who walk perfectly talk perfectly look perfectly and these are the people who we consider ideal and we compare our figure our conduct our carriage our speech with them and then we just feel insecure we feel inferior not only ourselves what a thing we have I have a particular phone I have a smartphone and then I see a smarter phone what is the use of my phone so basically the there is as I said in a competitive society there are certain benchmarks of success and so some amount of comparison is inevitable but in today’s world there is constant incessant comparison and for comparison often the best models of a class are put in front of us and then we are competitive and we will inevitably come as deficient so especially in today’s literacy culture where the social mirror is designed to create dissatisfaction within us so that we will purchase the things which are being advertised so it is designed like that at that time if we are to have some sanity if we are to have some self-confidence if we have to have some stability within ourselves then we vitally need the scriptural mirror in which we understand who we are and we understand who we can become so just as Arjuna changed from depressed to becoming confident when looking at ourselves in the scriptural mirror we can redefine ourselves and not only redefine ourselves we can refine ourselves we can become better and bring out the best within us thus we can not only become satisfied internally with what we have but we can also contribute in a constructive way so that combination of satisfaction within and contribution without comes when we let ourselves be guided by the scriptural mirror so I will summarise I spoke today about learn to fail or fail to learn I also talked about what is the meaning of learning to fail that we are all going to fail but we need to see failure gracefully positively failing is just a natural part of learning and growing this is the way we take the first steps speak the first words a child learns the first cycle so with respect to physical skills we all understand that we will fail and through failures we learn but when it comes to self mastery when it comes to self control we see failure not just as a part of learning and growing we see it as a character deficiency so I decided I am not going to get angry if I get angry I feel I am useless so even in our self development at that time when we frame I talk about how a picture is framed by something we all frame events in our life in certain contexts so I will just tell a small thing to someone and that person gets angry because that person has a particular frame in which they are seeing that somebody comes after class and tells me you killed it from their frame you killed it is a statement of appreciation from me what is killing I don’t want to kill it even so we all have our frames so we need to reframe failure instead of seeing failure as associated with guilt or character deficiency we need to see it as a part of learning and growth and if you make a resolution and don’t stick to it and fail to stick to it and fail at it rather than seeing it as a failure we can see it as a success till the time we are able to live it and then even if it is a failure we can positively learn how we can do better so success is not digital it is incremental that even if I do this I am successful if I don’t do this I am failure no if I have done this till this much time it is success and then I talked about how we need to in order to reframe success or reframe failure we need to first of all reframe ourselves then we reframe failure and we reframe success so reframing ourselves means if I see that I am isolated fragmented being in this big bad world where there is so much competition then we will feel overwhelmed we will always feel inadequate but if I see myself as a part of God and by God’s arrangement my situations and my dispositions are what are best what are suited for my growth then we will approach with greater calmness and clarity we will do what it takes to grow without letting ourselves become negative then with respect to failure I talk about something it’s reframing and with respect to success rather than defining success in terms of the social markers of success which we will have to define ourselves because that’s a competitive world but we don’t define ourselves only in terms of that I talked about how the educational markers of success today are in terms of how much money a person earns earlier knowledge meant virtue then knowledge meant power now knowledge means money but even the people who make the most money are not necessarily the people who have the greatest degrees money requires a set of skills which is different from what is required for education educational excellence so therefore we don’t let ourselves be reduced be defined by the social markers of success there is a social mirror which will often give us a distorted picture of ourselves and will discourage us we instead use a scriptural mirror to understand who we are and who we can become so Arjuna was depressed by looking at the social mirror people would think that I am so greedy that I killed my family he looked at the scriptural mirror and instead of being rejected he became enlightened I am a sole part of Krishna and I serve Krishna I am only benefiting myself and benefiting my opponents because they are souls they will be elevated if they die in the presence of Krishna similarly Prabhupada did not see the hippies from the social mirror they are considered degraded by the people who are degraded by the traditional people Prabhupada saw them in the scriptural mirror as souls or parts of Krishna and he found there tiny sparks of spirituality and then he can dramatically transform so first we see ourselves in the scriptural mirror and then we choose that social circle which encourages us which helps us to bring out our best and in today’s culture because it’s so materialistic the fuel of the consumer economy is customer dissatisfaction so today’s media specialises in making people miserable making people dissatisfied we always feel lacking if we look at the cultural mirror today we need to look at scripture and then decide this is what I am this is what I can look at and we are guided by scripture thus we will learn to take failure gracefully we will Yes, our past karma does influence us. So, for example, our looks. Each of us has different looks.
Some of us may have more attractive looks than others. Our looks are determined by our past karma. But, however a person may look, our past karma doesn’t determine whether I have a smiling face or a frowning face.
Our past karma may determine our face, but we determine the smile on the face. So, there is always, even a person who doesn’t look very attractive, if they are smiling, they look pleasant. The person who looks very attractive, they are scowling.
Who has a very attractive face, they are scowling. You know, they are frowning, they are glaring. They don’t look attractive.
So, our past karma does shape certain things in our life. But, it doesn’t shape it. So, certain framework will be determined by our past karma.
Say, for example, some people may be like mathematical geniuses and others may not be that much. We may not be good at mathematics. So, we may not win a Maths Olympia.
But, that does not mean that we can’t do our normal Maths. So, certain parameters, certain framework is determined by our past karma. But, within that framework, what we do is our business.
So, we are not entirely controlled by our past karma. See, we are products of our past. But, we are not prisoners of our past.
The past has influences, it has shaped us. But, it doesn’t permanently limit us. Within that, we have choices.
So, if we start aspiring for something that is just incompatible and impossible for us. Say, as I said, somebody who is okay at Maths and they think I want to win a Maths Olympia. Now, some people might just have a talent to do that, some people may not have.
Now, if that is the goal they become obsessed with and just don’t have the talent for that, better don’t worry about that. That doesn’t mean that you can’t do anything. That’s why if we become too infatuated with goals that society is imposing on us, then we will get too caught in thinking of the things which we don’t have and worrying why am I not able to get these things.
And we will not be able to notice the gifts that we do have, the strength that we do have. So, while going through our routine life, while doing our duties as students, doing our various activities, we keep observing ourselves. We learn, what am I good at? What do I like to do? Two things, what do I like to do myself and what am I good at doing? We find that and that we can understand.
These are my strengths. And gradually we gravitate towards them more. Did I answer your question? Any other questions? Yes.
At the starting of the lecture, you said that everyone carries a certain friend with them. Correct. But when we come in groups and a certain problem comes and everyone with their friends finds solutions to that problem, then how do the further things happen? The solution of a particular person is accepted and another person rejects it.
Okay. So, if a particular problem is to solve by a group of people and everybody is from their different frames, but a particular person’s solution gets accepted. So, why does that happen? Yeah, that’s because of, maybe that person has more persuasive power than others.
That person can speak and influence people quite well. Or in that particular situation, that person’s solution may be the best because that person has the experience or the expertise to assess that situation properly and then they can understand. And others also agree that this is the best solution.
So, they accept that. Or it could also be that that person is the person who has thought the most about the situation. they say do in Rome as Romans do.
That means Romans know best how to live in Rome. So, if they are doing things in a particular way, you go to Rome and do that way. So, somebody has already experienced a particular thing and everybody else may defer to that person’s expertise.
So, just because we have different frames doesn’t mean that there is no overlap. There is overlap. So, for example, say if there is a rasgulla.
That rasgulla is an objective reality. Now, how I see that rasgulla? If I like a rasgulla, when will I get it? If instead of dieting, I want that rasgulla but I can’t eat it. Or if I like someone, a friend, I don’t like rasgulla so much but I know a friend who likes rasgulla very much.
So, I like it. I am going to this time. The same rasgulla, people in different frames will see differently.
The objective is the same. Now, if there is only one rasgulla and three people want it, now who will get it? That will depend on time, place, circumstances. Who is able to pursue it? Who has the strongest desire? Who has whatever? So, these decisions, there are different people coming from different frames and which person with what frame prevails in a particular situation? That depends on what is the reality, what is the persuasive skill of a particular person? How much are other people invested in that particular thing? Something like that.
You take it. So, this is something which will largely be circumstantial. Okay.
Next question. Pradeep, in the lecture you told about the thing that we are something and there is something society. So, we ourselves, basically my question is that we don’t know ourselves completely and the social mirror and that is also not clear.
So, from where do we start to grow? if we know ourselves, then we can define that this is the mirror is distorted. If the mirror is proper, then we know that. Okay.
Okay, good question. So, firstly we don’t know who we are and the social mirror also gives a distorted picture of who we are. So, then where do we start understanding who we are actually? Philosophy, we should not go so much into the head that we lose our legs.
So, we do know who we are at a basic level. Okay, I am so and so person and I have done this, I can do this, I can’t do this. We look at ourselves, we know certain skills I have, certain abilities I have.
So, basically we talk about this in terms of not so much of there is our present status and there is what we aspire to. So, sometimes as I said, if we just set up goals that are incompatible with who we are, then that becomes very frustrating. So, if we objectively, calmly understand ourselves, that means not in the heat of the moment, say if I have to make a career choice, should I do this or should I do that? Not in the heat of the moment, just sit back and think of us and write down our thoughts.
When I did this, this worked out very nicely. I liked it. So, we write down our own experiences.
So, psychologists talk about four windows. What is known to us, you know probably what it is. What is known to us, what is known to others.
So, if we consider known to me, yes. Known to others, yes. When something is known to me, it is unknown to others.
Something is unknown to me, but known to others. Something is unknown to me and unknown to others also. So, you could say that our personality, our characteristics, they fall in one of these quadrants.
They fall in these four quadrants. So, basically the something which we know and the something which we don’t know. So, if you associate with friends, they might tell you, you are good at this.
Yeah, I never thought about it. I am good at it. But then, they might tell also, sometimes just by the experience of living, when we are thrust into situations which are difficult and somebody else crumbles in that situation, somehow we are able to do well in that situation.
You know, I have this ability to cope with this kind of situation. So, it’s, you know, life, it, in life, it’s like we are propelled into life. Life is just going to move on.
And in one sense, our life is a journey. And in one sense, we are the drivers of our life. But in another sense, you know, we are just pushed into life.
So, we just have to make the best of what we know. So, basically, rather than becoming insecure, we start with what we know. Okay, this is what I know about myself.
And then, should I be doing this? This is what the whole world is saying. You know, get this kind of job. Get this kind of degree.
Get this kind of career. Should I be doing this? Look at ourselves. Look at our own inspirations.
And there’s no need to make a radical change immediately. But gradually, as we observe ourselves, we learn more about ourselves. So, the social mirror primarily, what it does is, it just creates some ideals and it makes everyone want to be a xerox copy of their ideal.
When a particular movie or film star has a particular hairstyle, everybody wants to have that hairstyle. So, that’s a very literal way that xerox copy is happening. But otherwise also, it happens like that.
So, broadly, just move from where we are. What do we know about ourselves? Where I should go? Okay, this A, B, C. This is what I’m good at. This is okay.
This is what I’m okay at. And gradually, as we just go through life, observe ourselves, interact with friends, we’ll be done. And then we can move forward.
So, it’s not a one-time process, nor is it a one-time decision. Just move forward step by step. As we will do something, we’ll become initially a course called Discover Yourself.
But you know, discovering yourself is a lifelong journey. So, we keep understanding ourselves more and more. And as we keep understanding ourselves more and more, we start developing ourselves more and more.
Does that answer your question? Other questions? Okay, yeah. Ego. Ego.
Ego. Ego. Ego.
Ego. Ego. Ego.
Ego. Ego. Ego.
Ego. Ego. Ego.
Ego. Ego. Ego.
Ego. So, how do you differentiate between ego and self-confidence? Basically, ego is largely connected with how we portray ourselves to the world. And self-confidence is connected with how we see ourselves.
So, when it’s ego, I want the whole world to think that I am very good at this. But self-confidence means I know that I can do this well. So, the two are related in the sense that who we are also shapes the world’s perception of who we are.
But when we are more concerned about the world’s perception of us than about who we really are. That means we are less concerned about the substance of who we are and more concerned about the reputation. That is when the ego becomes a problem.
That means that if I come into a room, I want everyone to know who I am. I have achieved this. I have done this.
I have done this. You know? If you don’t know, you are ignorant. I will enlighten you now.
I will enlighten you in my glories. You may not be so brazen. But when a person is egoistic, basically, they are very absorbed, they are very consumed by themselves, very self-centred.
And they want to always speak about themselves and let the whole world know how great they are. But when a person has self-confidence, naturally, even self-confidence, there can be material conception, there can be spiritual conception. Self-confidence at a social level, at a conventional, common, cultural level, that means, okay, I know I have these abilities and therefore I can do this.
So, the focus is not on how the world sees me. The focus is on what I can do. That is self-confidence.
Now, in spiritual self-confidence, it is that not just what I can do, but it is a Krishna’s arrangement that I have been given some gifts. Krishna’s arrangement that certain opportunities have come for me. And then I use those opportunities.
So, we don’t see ourselves as independent sources of ability. We see ourselves as channels for the ability which Krishna has given us. And that spiritual self-confidence is actually much more sustainable.
Because when we see ourselves as sources of ability, then suddenly the ability goes away. Just feel devastated. A person thinks, a cricketer thinks, I am a very good batsman.
And suddenly the batsman goes out of form. And now the batsman wants to go out of form. But they go out of form, they don’t know what to do.
But they understand, it’s my ability, but it’s actually not my ability. I am not the owner of this ability, I am simply the caretaker of this ability. Because God always gives me this ability.
And sometimes it may manifest through me, sometimes it may not manifest through me. But that doesn’t mean, the world will praise me when I am playing well, but the world will criticise me when I am not playing well. But that doesn’t, but God doesn’t see me the way the world sees me.
So, I am always connected with God, I am always a part of God. That becomes the reason for self-confidence. So, as in today’s world to some extent, we may have to portray ourselves in a particular way.
Say, if you are going to prepare a CV, then basically you often have to expand your achievements. So, there is one devotee who just did a degree in IIM in Bangalore. He told me that if there is a water tap that somebody has kept open, you go and close that water tap.
He said, you can go and add in your CV. You have contributed to decreasing the, to conserving water on planet earth. So, sometimes as a circumstantial necessity, we may have to, we may have to bloat up our accomplishments for preparing a CV or whatever.
But we don’t let that become our primary definition. We, we just be who we are and our abilities will speak for themselves. So, in certain situations we may have to speak.
In general and normal conversations, we don’t try to be self-centred on talking and we don’t just talk about our accomplishments. We talk with people about what are subjects are important, pertinent at that time. And when there are certain things you expected to do and which we know we can do, then expressing that, you know, I have this experience, I have done this, that’s self-confidence.
If somebody thinks of it as our ego, that’s their problem. But if we are constantly talking about ourselves and accomplishments and we are more worried about our image in the world’s eyes than about our own abilities, our substance, our connections, then that’s when ego becomes a problem. One question? Yeah, you had a question? Many times what happens then, along with practising social service, we need to also develop the social structure.
Many times there is a great confusion between that, okay, society says we are strong and I am not. So, what happens then by performing our service to society, which means I will try to satisfy this people also, I will try to satisfy that people also. And many times our devotional service is compromised many times.
I would like to say it is almost being compromised many times, because devotional service. So, what is your opinion about the balance between social and spiritual? Okay. So, when we are living in society, we often feel that it is our duty to satisfy certain people, certain family members, certain social obligations.
And in trying to look good in these different social mirrors, we end up compromising our bhakti practises. So, how do we balance between the two? Yes, see the easiest way to make ourselves miserable is to try to satisfy everyone. You know, only God can do that.
And actually even God can’t do that. He can do that, but when people have certain specific desires and they are attached to them, even God can’t satisfy them. See, the point is we always have to make decisions.
So, we start with basics and we move forward. So, for example, we decide based on our priorities, what is important for us. And in different phases in our life, different things may be important.
So, for example, if I am studying in a college, then my professor, my project guide, the person is important for me. If I am working at a job, my boss is important for me. If I am in a family, my immediate family members are important for me.
My distant relatives may not be that important. So, we basically have to grade the different people in our lives in terms of how important they are. And then we can decide these 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. These are the people whom I am going to primarily satisfy.
And then we can, okay, these people at this level, these people at this level. Because some people are very important for us, some people not so important for us. And we have to know that every time we say yes to a particular person, we may be ending up saying no to somebody else.
So, if say I have limited time and I decide to spend that time with person X, then that means I am not spending that time with person Y. And if Y happens to be more important than X for me, then I am actually creating trouble for myself. So, basically this is a matter of priority. Prabhupada explains in the 10th chapter of the Bhagavad Gita that buddhi, intelligence, means to see things in their proper perspective.
So, if we sometimes can take guidance from some senior devotees required, but if we just in a sattvic way calmly think, you know, what are my life’s priorities right now? Okay, right now my career is my priority or this is my priority, this is my priority, whatever it is. And in terms of our priority, we decide which people are important for us and which particular activities we need to do accordingly. So, the tendency is to actually feel that the spiritual is something which can just be done later.
This social is what I need to do now, this social I have to do now. And that way we just keep postponing the spiritual. So, it’s good if we decide that we have some basic commitment to the spiritual that is non-negotiable.
And we just do that no matter what. And beyond that, according to the circumstances we can wait. So, that means that at certain times, say if we have exams, you know, if we have a major projected line, if we have family and then there is pregnancy in the family, there is a big sickness in the family, then those are times when we have to be available for doing whatever it takes.
So, those are emergencies. Now, if emergency like situations are happening on a daily basis, then that means there is something seriously wrong with our own organisation of our life, our own prioritisation of things. Then that’s where we need to really take stock.
I am putting my time in things which are not important, that’s why I am not able to put time in things which are really important. So, if we sit and objectively understand what is of how much importance to us, then we will be able to balance in our lives. And as I said, balance doesn’t have to be static.
That means that, okay, in this time, the balance means I do this more and I do this less. Another time balance means I do that more and do this less. So, balance can also be dynamic.
But the basic principle of balance is that what is important gets the new attention. And other things, they give attention according to their level of importance. And that’s why, although in the heat of life, that means when we are doing things, we tend to be in Rajoguna.
A, B, C, I have to do this, I have to do that, I have to do that. And at that time, it’s very difficult to make decisions of what I should do or what I should not do. That’s why we need some time when we are in Satgoguna, when we are more calm and more reflective.
The decisions about plans, patterns, policies, these cannot be taken in the heat of the moment. They have to be taken when we are withdrawn from that heat. And then we decide, okay, in this next two, three months, this is my priority.
And then when I have decided that, then I can say no to this person, I can say no to that person, I can move forward. So by planning properly, based on our understanding of what is important, what is how important, we can arrive at the balance which is appropriate at that time. And we can adapt that balance also as per change times.
Does that answer your question? Thank you very much. Shall we stop here? Okay, let’s go. One question.
You were mentioning that we have, the mind has impressions, and when we want to contract failures, you told us that we should try to understand what are the causes of failures. So I tried to add some of that, but because the mind has impressions, and so it may be carried on in future in my life. It might just surprise, pop up any time in my life.
And although I am not trying to do active things that will lead to the development of these impressions in my mind, but then these impressions have already been developed in my mind, they just pop up some other time. So these impressions are not something like, you know, we can delete it, or just ask whenever we want to pop it up. So how can we, these impressions may sometimes lead to failure again, because that is also a cause of failure.
So what can we do to overcome this impression and, you know, not stop it. So if certain failures from the past have created certain impressions, which again impel us towards failures, then how do we handle those impressions? The mind is a very complex entity, but it can be understood through different metaphors. So say if there is a wall on which some graffiti has been written, now you want to remove that.
How do you do that? One is you can get a paper, you can get a blade and scratch it out. The other is you can just repaint it, overpaint it rather. So it’s like that, certain impressions are there in the mind.
Now when the impressions are there, we can’t get a blade to remove those impressions. As I rightly said that memory within the mind, there is no delete button for it. But what can be done is overpainting.
We can create better, richer impressions through the activity that we are doing. So especially if we take up challenging services, challenging activity which forces out of our comfort zone, then usually the impressions get formed when there is something which is intense. So either the external situation has to be intense or we have to be intense.
Then the impression is formed. As like in this room there are 10 pictures or 5 pictures. Now I may not notice a particular picture, but if some picture is exceptionally attractive, then I notice it.
Or there is a picture of Narasimha Deva and somebody has caught my neck and is threatening to kill me. Then I pray, Narasimha Deva, please help me. Then what will happen? The picture of Narasimha Deva will impress much more in my mind.
Then there is external intensity or there is internal intensity, whichever way it is. So we have to overpaint our mind, create new impressions. And while we are creating these new impressions in the mind, through the activities we are going to do right now, when the past impressions come, we just deal with them discreetly.
That means if we are studying the philosophy properly, then we will understand or we will remember that everything inside me is not me. That means even if a particular desire pops up from within me, just because the desire has come from inside me, that doesn’t mean it is my desire. Suppose sometimes I am dieting or I am fasting, and then I decide that if somebody comes and tells, come, why don’t you take some food? No, I am fasting.
If somebody externally tells me, I say no. But if my mind says, come on, you have fasted enough now, you take some food. No, I will take some food.
So what happens is, the same proposal if somebody from outside gives us, we say no. When the same proposal comes from inside, we become much more amenable to it. But if we understand that whatever comes from inside me is also not me, not necessarily me.
So if we have understood that this particular anartha, this particular situation, this particular craving, it is an unhealthy craving. It is an unwanted craving. Even if it comes from within me, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is mine.
And secondly, it doesn’t mean that I have to recalculate. So the arrival of temptation should be seen as the beginning of an attack. It’s a precursor to attack.
It shouldn’t be seen as an indicator of defeat. That means, yes, if say India-Pakistan war is going on, India-Pakistan, there is tension. So Pakistan suddenly starts shooting.
When Pakistan starts shooting, that doesn’t mean that Indians are defeated. Just because they started shooting, that means now we are lost. We just throw down our weapons and surrender.
No. The shooting, that means, that okay, aggression has begun. And we have to counterattack.
So like that, when some unwanted desire is coming in our mind, that doesn’t mean that we have become defeated. That doesn’t mean that we have to succumb to temptation. It simply means that we are under attack.
When we are under attack, we counterattack it. And by counterattacking, we move on. So if the past impressions are somehow aroused, then we resist them.
And gradually, as we keep creating new impressions and as we keep resisting the old impressions, see whenever an old impression is acted upon, it becomes reinforced. But when that old impression is resisted, then it becomes weakened. If it is there, it becomes more and more weakened.
Sometimes say, if in a computer you are searching for something. So if the computer search engine is good, then it will show, if I search for God, I may have 5000 files in which the word God comes. But then it will find those files which are the most recent, which I have used recently.
Something which I have not used for 5 years, it will not come on top. So like that, when there are certain impressions which we have not acted on, then they become like the distant, remote, past impressions. They are not received.
And then they won’t pop up also. So gradually they will be pushed, relegated so much into the background that they will eventually become inconsequential. But during that period, we know that we have to have a fight.
And the best time to fight the war against temptation is before it begins. That means prevention is better than cure. Be so positively engaged, creating new impressions, that those impressions won’t get time to surface, to grow.
That desire is there. I don’t have time for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. That desire stays, stays, stays. It’s like a salesman has come at our door.
And the salesman wants to meet. But we have done one meeting, second meeting, third meeting, fourth meeting. The salesman never wants to meet.
The salesman will go away. So like that, if we keep ourselves busy, even the impressions that pop in, see that nothing has happened, they will go away. So basically, we need to expertly create new impressions and expertly not give in to the old impressions.
And then our mind will be filled with positive new impressions. And the negative impressions will become distant. They will no longer trouble us so much.
Does that answer your question? Thank you. So we have time to talk to you. Thank you very much.