Maturity in relationships – Four principles – 3. Appreciate 4. Act

[Seminar in Sydney, Australia]

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Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
So, we will there are two parts in it, may be we will have something like 40-40 minutes each in the skip in between or may be we have one session longer, we will see how it goes. So, now talk about accept, this is the reality I propose, then after that what is the reason this is happening, why this person acting in this way, we try to assert, we try to understand. Then after that the third is that we appreciate, see in every situation there is some good and there is some bad.
So, sometimes the person’s problem is there is so many and they just glare out and they hurt us and they have to be dealt with. But even by dealing with them, if we begin on a positive note, then there is a greater chance of reconsideration. Who is offering you this? So, we will start appreciate, I want to make it full screen, everybody can see it behind, just go behind, I think two slides behind.
So, whenever, so, appreciate means that even if we have many differences with someone and anyway we feel this is wrong with them, that is wrong with them. When you have to begin, begin with the 1% commonality, begin with 1% commonality and then there will be 99% difference. When you begin with the 1, what is the 1% commonality? Say there are two devotees and one devotee feels that, oh they are good, we should distribute books, no one will distribute books.
Another devotee feels, so many people are coming to temple, we should have some programme for training, we should have some systematic education. Another devotee feels, so many devotees are coming, we don’t have temple, we have to build a big temple. Now, these are all very different visions and the community resources may be finite and we may have to go in one particular direction, cannot go in all directions.
So, these conflicts, this is what is to be done. That can actually lead to a lot of hard feelings. So, at that time, when these conflicts come up, at that time begin with the 1% commonality.
Actually, if you look at the commonality, it is much more than 1%. We all want to serve Krishna. We all want to spread Krishna’s knowledge.
We all want to ourselves become devoted to Krishna. We all want others to become devoted to Krishna. So, once we start with that, we start with that point of let’s focus on the commonality.
And then we can move to the difference. We start with the difference itself. Then we just go further and further because we already have differences because we think differently.
And then the more we talk, our differences become more highlighted and we move forwards. It’s very important for devotees to see each other spiritually at least sometime. Especially if you are working closely with some devotee.
Then you may say, okay, this person does this service and they don’t do this properly. This person does this and they do like that. That’s just a part of living in the world is that we have to see how things are functioning.
And sometimes if you are good at something, you will see somebody else not doing good. So, not doing it so well. So, appreciate means we learn to see that everybody is here to serve Krishna.
I have seen some devotee communities where the community becomes big and there are many leaders. Then the community is to go on nicely because the leaders come together periodically. Our devotees are equal level more or less.
They may be leaders, they may be junior, intermediate level, whatever. They come together periodically and simply discuss Krishna Katha. If we come together for management issues, which is important.
Management issues need to be resolved. But in management issues there are always going to be difference of opinions. I feel it should be done like this, I feel it should be done like that.
And sometimes one person will prevail, sometimes another person will prevail. And the nature of the management is that everybody can never be satisfied. That’s just the nature of the finiteness of this world.
That’s just the nature. So, when we see them spiritually, when we hear them speaking about Krishna. And not just in official Bhagavatam class, everybody.
But people come together informally as more or less equal. They are all trying to manage Krishna Katha. So, especially when there are number of devotees at more or less the same level.
And there is no one who is very senior who can, whose authority everyone accepts. Then for those equals to work together they have to see each other spiritually. And seeing each other spiritually requires that they come together for spiritual discussion itself.
So, then we remember, now there is so much common. Otherwise, what happens is we just see the diversity. There was one Christian nun, Catholic nun.
And she had trained some orphan girls. And orphan girl was growing up. And as she was growing up, she asked this girl, What do you want to do when you grow up? She said, I want to become a prostitute.
What? He said, I want to become a prostitute. Oh, thank God. I thought you wanted to become a protestant.
So, Christians are two groups, Catholics and Protestants. There is a lot of fight among them. So, she was thinking becoming a protestant is worse than becoming a prostitute.
Sometimes what happens is, in the religious groups when we are working, we make small differences so big, that we become alienated from people because of that. Actually, as compared to the rest of the world, 90% of the things we are doing are common. There is only a few persons who think that they are different.
We are all chanting Hare Krishna, we are all worshipping Krishna, we are all practising, trying to teach, study and tell the Bhagavad Gita. So, whenever we are having a conflict with someone, begin with the commonality. And even if that other person is not ready, at least before we have any high stakes discussion, we try to ourselves remember, we are all here for the common cause.
Otherwise, small things can be aggravated so much. So, we have to recognise that, say, mother and father may have different ways of how to raise a child. And, sometimes mother may say, we should do this, this, this.
The father may say, we want to have more sports activities. The mother says, no, no, no, we should have some other kinds of activities. And they can have a lot of differences.
And those differences can actually create a lot of conflict. And then, when those differences happen, begin with the common point. Common point is, both want the good of the child.
Both are concerned about the child. Both want to be involved in doing the best for the child. So, if we look towards the common points, from there, we can move forwards.
If we start with differences, then the conflicts are only going to increase. I have a Muslim friend. And he was telling me that, I can communicate with moderates of other traditions more easily than I can communicate with extremists of my own tradition.
So, religion is just one designation. But, in each religion, there are people in goodness, there are people in passion, there are people in ignorance. So, people have goodness in one religion, people are only moderate.
And those moderates can communicate with others of other traditions. So, if there has to be an interfaith dialogue, then there has to be like-minded people from both sides who come together. What is our common pursuit? Both of us are interested in something hyper-religious.
Who is interested in that? Knowing about God. The specific way we want to know about God is different. But, we are interested in knowing about God.
Bhaktivinoda Thakur says that, if we go to a place of worship of another religion, then, what should we argue about? We should stand there in a mood of reverence, contemplating that the Lord whom I worship has now manifested here in a form different from what I am familiar with. And because this form of worship is different from what I am familiar with, I can’t understand it properly. But, still seeing how magnanimous my Lord is, that He has extended Himself to these people in this way, my devotion to the Lord in the form that I am familiar with is increasing.
So, we can say, Oh, these people do this ritual, these people do that ritual. Okay, their rituals may be different. But, they are connected with God in that way.
And seeing them worshipping God, we don’t have to necessarily threaten that they are worshipping God in any way. Yes, God is reaching out to them in that way. So, look at the commonality.
So, this is important. Go ahead. So, this is the same point.
We focus on common methods, common purposes, not different methods. So, Krishna says to the Bhagavad Gita that, Arjuna is asking which is better? Is renouncing work better? So, he asks the same question in the third chapter and I in the fifth chapter. Should I work or should I renounce work? So, Krishna says both are good.
That working is also good and renouncing work is also good. Because both people are concerned about something higher. Both people are working with detachment and both people are renouncing the world.
Both are concerned about life’s higher purpose. And that is why they are on the right path. Whether they are having the right purpose, whether they are choosing the best path or not, that is a combination.
Begin with the commonality. Go ahead. So, appreciate means, appreciate the commonality between people.
And to appreciate, sometimes different people are different. So, sometimes it happens that, we are dancing in a particular way and somebody else is dancing in a different way only. How is it they are dancing out of tune? But then, we look at them and they say they have got earphones in their ears.
And they are hearing a different song again. So, because they are hearing a different song, they are dancing to a different tune. So, actually speaking, all of us are wired in different ways.
As souls, we are all parts of Krishna. But our body-mind apparatus is wired in different ways. And because it is wired in different ways, so, we all function in different ways.
And if we can understand where people are coming from, why do they act in this way? Because they are wired in different ways. That helps us understand why they are acting the way they are acting. They may be acting in a way that is very odd, infuriating for me.
But if I appreciate where they are coming from, then I can function better. So, we will have a small skit which will demonstrate this point. Are you ready? So, this point of how different people function in different ways.
So, we are going to do the same thing like you said. But for the train scene, we are going to… So, they will be demonstrating a principle of being desensitised versus being insensitive. Insensitive means to not care for someone.
Desensitised means to not have the capacity to sense something. If I touch somebody on the shoulder, I will talk with them and they don’t turn around. I touch them more, they don’t turn around.
I beat them on the shoulders and they don’t turn around. So, why so rude? Then I come to know that they are paralysed on their shoulders. So, they are not feeling my sensation.
So, desensitised means to not feel any sensation at all. And insensitive means to not care at all. And how this difference can apply with respect to different talents and different aspects of life, we will demonstrate.
Satsang with Mooji Satsang with Mooji What was happening? Out of sync. Yeah. So, one of them was just out of sync.
And out of sync, here of course it was graphic. We are demonstrating it. See, there are some people who are out of sync and they know they are out of sync.
But some people are out of sync and they don’t know they are out of sync. Sometimes a nice kirtan is going on and somebody comes and picks up a kartal and just plays it. And they are closed eyes in ecstasy.
And everybody around them is in agony. So, now they have no intention of disturbing others. But they just don’t have a musical gene.
They don’t have a sense of music. And when they don’t have a sense of music they just register that I am doing something wrong. I am playing kartal.
You are playing kartal. What is the big deal? So, for all of us, we are kind of liberals. So, the worst situation is when somebody is super sensitive about something and the other person in a close relationship is desensitised to that.
So, some people may be, for example, I will come to that a little later. Say, some people are very clueless conscious. Yes, we come to this.
And some people, as soon as they come into a room it’s as if in five minutes a storm came in that room. Everything has gone disrupted. And then the person is very clueless conscious.
Why don’t you clean things? Why don’t you keep things clean? Are things unclean? I think nobody is unclean. How dare you? Just open your eyes. See, things are unclean.
They may open their eyes but it doesn’t register in them. Some people, they are very very conscious. All of us have been given some instincts by which we are elitely good at some things.
And others just don’t have that instinct. So, sometimes this person keeps things unclean just to annoy me. Now, it may be like that, but it may not be like that also.
That person is just not aware. For some people, their radar is very very sharp. If they take a signal, you can see it very sharp, very acutely.
And for some people, that radar is almost not there. So, I am a writer and I try to have English spellings very carefully. Of course, I also make mistakes many times.
That is, I try to have things very carefully as much as possible. Most Indians, especially Indians in India, they very nonchalantly massacre ground. And my conditioning is such that even if I come to any room, I look at all the notice boards.
And I will proofread all the notices. It’s a self-appointed service for me. And even in temple if I see some notice wrong, I say, please correct this.
And then many times I have seen people say, everybody understands, why don’t you understand? So, it’s just that I am very sensitive about this and others are desensitised about it. So, when this happens, the point is, it’s not that the other person is doing it to annoy us. It’s just because they don’t have that sensitisation, they don’t feel it important.
So, that’s why, don’t do like this, do like this. Then what is happening is, we are telling them because we are feeling annoyed, we are feeling disturbed, but they think we are annoying them. Why do you like so much? It’s okay, things are there.
It’s okay, people understand the message. Things are unclear. Why are you so fanatic about doing this? It’s okay.
So, when this happens, of course, again, both people have to adjust towards each other. But the important thing is, there is no need for one person to label the other person as insensitive. No, you take it as disrespectful, you are trying to infuriate them.
No, it’s not like that. And now, the other person is trying to map the person. It’s just that they are wired in different ways.
And they are wired in different ways. Certain things appear important for some people, certain things don’t appear important for some people. So, when I usually, I travel little, somebody comes to drop me.
But sometimes, if I am travelling alone, I take an Uber or something, I come to the airport. And whenever I am at the airport, I have a wheelchair assistant. But at different airports, the system is different.
Some airports, the wheelchair assistant is right out there in the curve. Where you can just approach the wheelchair assistant. Some airports, you have to actually go to the check-in, where you get the boarding pass.
And there, the wheelchair assistant is. So, if I am coming alone, sometimes I have to carry my luggage with a trolley to the to the boarding pass, or the check-in counter. So, then sometimes it is difficult for me to carry.
So, once I am just pushing along my baggage, and most of the time, when I try to push along, somebody comes and helps. And then they take it along. But this day, I was just pushing, I was a little late.
And then I was just pushing, I was moving along. And as I was walking along, I said, I am already late, I am not even going to move forward. Nobody was coming to help me also at that time.
So, just thinking of taking it along. And suddenly, somebody spoke to me. I wish I could walk as fast as you.
I was surprised, I looked behind me. And there was an old couple. And both of them had two huge trolleys.
And they were both trying to pull the trolleys. And they were walking one by one. Both of them were having sticks, and they were trying to pull the trolleys along.
And that old couple said, I also have to carry the same luggage, I wish I could walk as fast as you. My whole perspective changed. I was feeling annoyed, I was feeling sorry for myself.
But I said, no. They need a wheelchair much more than me. They are also not having it.
So, in every situation we are in, there are always people who are in greater difficulty. I was in Canada, and there was a devotee who was a psychotherapist. He said, for many years I was doing psychotherapy.
And now, I am doing group psychotherapy. So, I have studied a little bit of psychology and psychotherapy. So, I said that, why would anyone want to pour out their heart to a whole group of people? One psychotherapist is okay, but to a whole group of people? He said, no.
We have a code of confidentiality. Nobody should reveal anything. The big advantage of group psychotherapy is that people realise that they are not alone in their problems.
Everybody has problems. Every single person has big big problems. And, he said, after one particularly very candid session we had, he said that, I did an exercise, I told all the people, if you had the option, if all your biggest problems could be brought out of you and put in a pile in front of you, would you like to interchange your problem with anyone else’s problem? So, nobody opted for that.
Nobody opted for that. Actually, when we are having difficulties, we may have some relational difficulties, there are relationships are becoming a big big issue in today’s world. But, whatever issues we have, there are always people with much bigger issues.
So, yes, that doesn’t mean our issue is small. It is a bigger serious issue. But still, our mind tends to catastrophise our problems.
It’s just the end of the world for me. It’s not the end of the world. I was in America, I was in a college programme.
I went for several times for college programmes. I became close to some boy in Mumbai. So, one boy told me that he grew up in a foster home.
So, then, I asked him, we were talking sometimes, what happened? Did your parents die in an accident or something? He said, no. Both my parents are alive. If they are alive, then why did you grow up in a foster home? He said, when I was five years old, at that time, my parents had made it.
And, they are very acrimonious, very bitter separation. At the time of the separation, both my mother and my father told me that this marriage was the biggest mistake of my life. And, you remind me of that mistake.
So, both of them said, we don’t want anything to do with you. And, despite having two parents, he became a war on the secret. He has now slowly become a devotee.
He told me that, whenever he hears songs in which, Krishna Mata, Krishna Bhikha. He says, Krishna is the mother, Krishna is the father. I don’t want mother and father.
Krishna is like my mother and father. I don’t want Krishna. So, he is so psychologically damaged, that normally, mother and father are the person whom we love.
So, people have gone through all kinds of issues. So, life is difficult for everyone. And, when we appreciate that even in situations that are happening, yes, there is this problem.
But, is there something right in life? We can’t be grateful for all situations. But, we can be grateful in all situations. We can’t be grateful for all situations.
So, bad things do happen. It’s not possible humanly to be grateful when something terrible has happened. We can’t be grateful for that.
But, we can be grateful in all situations. Okay, this bad thing has happened. But, still, all these things are still going on in my life.
All this big relationship is there. But, I have a supportive family member. I have a supportive community.
I have good health. I have good education. I can have a rich and successful life.
So many things you can look at. Ultimately, the spiritual level is we have spiritual knowledge. We have a connection with Krishna.
So, appreciate. I am talking about three different senses of appreciation. First is I can appreciate that other person which has been deficient in some capacity.
It’s not that they are out to hurt us, annoy us. We just don’t have that sense. The second element of appreciation is that even if our situation is bad, we can look for the good in that situation.
So, look for blessings, not for problems. That doesn’t mean we deny the problems. But, just remember that we don’t obsess over the problems.
When we obsess over the problems, we make ourselves problems. And, this is Mark Twain. He said that, I can live for two months on a good compliment.
So, his author, he used to write articles. He said, if anybody appreciates my articles, that gives me a spur to go on writing for two months. So, actually, appreciation is the energizer of the heart.
Just as we need food for energising our body, we need appreciation for energising the heart. And, if we just learn to appreciate each other. So, in general, even if a person is, because of that person, we have a lot of problems in our life.
But, sometimes what happens in the relationship, you only see the problems because of that other person. But, that person may also be doing positives. They may also be offering us some support, some shelter, some positives.
We don’t look at them. We obsess over problems, problems, problems. And, if somehow that person goes away, then we realise there are so many positives also.
As I said, let me say that we never value water till the well runs dry. So, like that, there are people in our life who just see the problems as their causes. But, they may bring so many positives in our life which we may not be aware of.
So, consciously redirecting our attention. And, not just redirecting our attention. The third point is, speak it verbally.
So, going back to the earlier example of cleanliness. Say, God said, it’s Kirtan. So, if somebody is playing the Kartal rock, I have my own musical sense.
I can see that the person is playing the rock. And, I’ll let them know. So, that person practises, learns.
And then, they do it right. So, if somebody is very unclean, we tell them, request them. And, they start clean.
So, out of 10 times, earlier 10 times they were not making anything clean. Out of 10 times earlier, 10 times they were playing Kartal rock. Now, by putting in some effort, 2 times they do it right.
Now, from our point of view, it’s an 8 times rock. You know, 8 days out of 10, you did clean. But, from their point of view, it’s from 0 to 2, it’s significantly slower.
So, if we look at it from their perspective, it’s an appreciation worthy progress. So, if somebody is very unclean, and we want them to keep things clean. If, when they keep it clean, we think, time you did things properly.
And, we don’t speak one word of appreciation. And, when they don’t do it, we harbour it. Then, this will discourage you.
You never appreciate me at all. Never appreciate me at all. So, actually, whatever good, even a small good that people do, we should just appreciate.
You see, the Chaitanya Chaitanya Amrit, Chaitanya Mahaprabhu would appreciate devotees as if we have five mouths, glorified. So, life itself is difficult. Life where we are trying to follow spiritual principles is even more difficult.
We need all the encouragement that we can get. Many times, if some devotee passes away, after that, my devotee may have a memorial ceremony. And, in that memorial ceremony, devotees come out and speak.
Oh, this is for me, this is for me. And then, others say, yeah, this is such a wonderful person. This person was.
He or she was. So, once the memorial ceremony happened, and then, after that, the spiritual master of the community said, all of you spoke so wonderfully about this devotee. How many of you appreciated him while he was alive? If that person had been alive, if he had spoken, he or she would have felt so encouraged.
So, why should we reserve offering a felicity to others after they die? We don’t lose anything by appreciating others. It’s not that we are appreciating their wrongdoings. Yes, they have points, and those points have to be dealt with.
In general, interacting with others, if our interaction is only the negative, oh, you did this wrong, you did this wrong, you did this wrong, then the whole relationship becomes very negative. Now, they may have negative, and they need to be connected in that. But, we have to appreciate the positive also.
To the extent we do that, see, what happens, here, this is a vital point, before anybody can take feedback from you, that person has to feel the other person is my valedictorian. When A connects B, if B feels that A is my valedictorian, then A can take the feedback positively. And A may say, I have the best intentions for you.
I am your valedictorian. But B can’t see the heart of A. All that B is going to see is, how does A feel? So, if all the time A doesn’t find faults in B, then you start thinking, this person is fault-finding. This is not my volition.
Intellectually, when they find faults for my good only, I say, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work. In general, when we are trying to… In Wisconsin University, there was a survey done.
It was a group of boys and a group of girls. Some students, they had joined a writing course. They studied writing.
And the boys decided that in order to help all of us become good writers, whatever we write, we’ll point out the faults in each other’s writing. So that we all can improve. The girls were a little bit of a feminist nature.
They said, we’ll form our group and we’ll do exactly the opposite of what the boys do. They said, whatever we write, we’ll find out the good in each other’s writing. And then researchers followed this group after about 15 years.
After 15 years, they found that among this group of boys, not one boy had become a published author. And among their friend circle, none of them was known even as a good writer and informer. And when asked personally, many of them said that they felt very afraid when they were writing.
Because, oh, I may do this wrong, I may do that wrong, I may do that wrong. On the other hand, among the girls, three of them, there was a group of about 25, three of them had become published and celebrated writers. And several of the others had submitted their manuscripts, five or six of them had submitted manuscripts for writing.
And all of them were known in their circles as very articulate writers. And they all, when they were asked personally, said, we look forward to writing. So, when people are neglected or people need to be corrected, they need not just the knowledge that they are learning, they need the confidence that they can do the right thing.
They need the encouragement that they can do the right thing. So, somebody who is playing Kartal and they are playing it wrong. You are playing it wrong.
For us, we may have the musical genes so nice, we easily play the Kartal. But for them it’s a effort. So, often when we want other person to improve, sometimes, especially when we become adults, we don’t want to show our vulnerability.
So, what happens? We cover our vulnerability with an uncanny attitude. Whatever you speak, I don’t care for you. You put on a tough exterior.
But internally, everybody has a soft heart. So, if we want someone to improve, not just you are wrong, we have to tell them no. We have to give them the encouragement, the confidence that we can improve.
When Arjuna tells Krishna, Krishna is controlling the mind, it’s very difficult. Chanchala Mahabhava Mano Durga Ramachala Chanchala Mano Krishna Pramati Balava Durga Tasyaam Nigramaye Malore Sushkara Mind is very very difficult. It’s a wild like wind.
If Krishna doesn’t say, stop giving excuses, start controlling the mind. Asamshe Mahabhava Mano Durga Ramachala Undoubtedly, it is very difficult to control the mind. Now, Krishna is God.
For him, nothing is difficult. But Krishna is speaking from his perspective. Krishna speaks about it.
Yes, it is difficult, but it’s a practise you can do it. Abhyasa is in the commentary here. Vairagya is in the commentary.
It’s interesting, when Krishna gives this message, actually he does not change his prescription. Krishna earlier also does the same thing. He just practises and he controls the mind.
Krishna says, it’s very difficult. Yes, it’s very difficult, but if you practise, you can do it. So, the message remains the same.
But Arjuna, Krishna, Arjuna feels understood. So, Krishna gives encouragement to Arjuna. Yes, it is difficult.
So, most often, if you just learn to appreciate people a little bit more, you will find that the relationships will become much much more positive. It’s not that the other person will change, necessarily change, but the possibility of change for the positive will be much more. So, you got it? Yes.
So, I will summarise about appreciation. So, I have spoken about this. The third part, after we have accepted the reality, after we have asserted what is going on in that person’s life, then, when we move forward, we have to act.
So, we can act by appreciating. Appreciating means look for the common purpose. Even if we have very great differences, appreciate that that person also has the same purpose as you.
Two devotees, very widely different ways of how to serve. But both want to serve Krishna. Two parents, very widely different ideas of how to parent.
But both share concern for each other. So, focus on the common purpose, not the different methods. Start from the one person commonality, appreciate that one person commonality, either verbally or at least in our mind, and then begin from there.
When I talk about appreciating, that some people may just be desensitised. That they just, all of us are definitely wired, and something which annoys us, that they may not even notice. They are not doing it to annoy us, but they are doing it because it doesn’t register in them.
So, in that case, we have to be a little more understanding. Not judge them as insensitive, but recognise that they are desensitised. We talked about this example, about English grammar, about music, about cleanliness.
Then I talked about appreciating and third level is, even if things are wrong in our life, there are many things which are right in our life. So, count, focus on blessings, not on problems. Even if we can’t be grateful for all situations, we can be grateful in all situations.
So, these things are appreciation more than disposition, and looking at the positives. Last appreciation was in terms of action, to speak words of appreciation. Even if I have to take baby steps to improve it, still appreciate that, rather than catching people when they do wrong and blame them, we can focus on them to do right and appreciate them.
And this way, we will be bringing positivity in our relationship with others, and even if they are doing wrong, if they know that they are doing wrong, by appreciation, we will give them encouragement and confidence, that they can do right. So, should we have a break or should we just move on now? Does anyone have any questions on this, or should I go to the last part? Okay, so we will have the skit ready, just a few minutes. I will speak a few minutes and then you can have the skit.
So, the act is now, how do we act in practical life? If there is a difficult relationship, if the other person is struggling very much, then what do we do? Go ahead. As I mentioned earlier, maturity means to understand that no one is obliged to fulfil our needs. That if it’s my need, I have to fulfil it.
How I get it fulfilled is my responsibility. If a house has to be cleaned, it’s my responsibility. Now, if I get the other person to cooperate, that’s fine, but it’s my need, so I have to get it fulfilled.
That no one is obliged to fulfil my needs. Go ahead. Yes.
So then, don’t depress yourself or depress others. Depress your expectations of yourself and of others. Sometimes, you know, this person is not good enough or I am not good enough.
Both ways, that negativity depresses us. Just because life is not going according to a particular standard, a particular expectation, does not mean that life is going all talk. Now, even if we lower our expectations a little bit and move on, things move on.
It’s not a disaster. Sometimes, we think this has to be this way only. Even if it is not in that way, it doesn’t matter that much.
It matters a little. This idea of perfectionism often creates a lot of problems. So, what does it mean? Depress your expectations of others.
That means, sometimes, as I said earlier, the gap between the reality and the expectation, that is what frustrates us. If this expectation is not fulfilled, so what? So what? If this doesn’t work out, if my child doesn’t come first in the class, so what? If we can’t move into a bigger house, so what? So, sometimes, just the mind makes an issue very big. So, if it is so what? How is this happening so terribly? So what? Ask us, so what? So, what are the real consequences of this? As I said, everybody has difficulties in life.
One of the differences between say, modern civilisation and traditional western civilisation is, this will, what this point has to be, we move to the last point again. I earlier talked about karma and daiva. What is daiva and karma? So now, extreme on either side is problematic.
Traditional civilisations often have too much emphasis on just tolerate it, accept it, move on. Tolerate it, accept it, move on. Now this, at one level is good, because we don’t make small things very big.
But another level, this can lead to passivity. This can lead to too much passivity. This can lead to people tolerating abusive behaviour.
This can lead to people becoming, those who are abusers, become atrocious. So just unwillingness to change anything in the name of tolerating, that has a disadvantage. That is, willingness to become too passive.
On the other hand, the other extreme, which is the western civilisation, if anything doesn’t work, change it. If anything doesn’t work, change it. Just change it.
So when this happens, then there is no stability. If, there are three modes of material nature, there is goodness, passion and ignorance. Now tolerance, you normally think it is in the mode of goodness.
But when there is tolerance, there is ignorance and contempt. And then, one is learning to tolerate. But, goodness and ignorance can look similar.
So in ignorance, it is not tolerance, it is importance. Importance means, one doesn’t have any power to do anything, one doesn’t feel like doing anything, just stays there. So that is in the mode of ignorance.
So in the mode of ignorance, we don’t do anything at all, and we feel sorry for ourselves, we are feeling all kinds of negative emotions, which are burning in us. In the mode of passion, we are disrupting things, destroying things, shaking up things. the modern civilisation, modernist civilisation is more in the mode of passion.
So, if something doesn’t work, just change it. Change it. Change it.
And, especially in relationships, there is no commitment, no stability. And there is a profound sense of loneliness because of that. So now, here, when we depress our expression from others, okay, this thing is not working, so what? So what? How big is the result of this? Can you go on? So when somebody has done something to hurt us, at that time, it’s not that we deny the hurt, but we don’t have to hold on to it lifelong.
The heaviest thing to hold is a grudge. We hold on to a grudge, it just hurts us more when somebody has done something. I was in America, I was in west coast, in New York, and then I was supposed to give a class, and before that I got a mail from a devotee.
It was an outrageous mail. I felt so angry at that time. I don’t know why, I just felt an anger and I didn’t go for the class.
Then after the class, then some devotees were asking questions. After speaking for 20-25 years, you can observe who is asking questions with what consciousness. Some people ask questions to gain knowledge, some people ask questions to show knowledge.
The question itself goes on for 10 minutes. And there, after that, they are happy that they have asked the question, they are not interested in answer also. One time, for some reason, a person in a Sunday school class asked a question for 10 minutes, and then I said, I want to answer the question.
Actually, I have to catch my book. So, he was just trying to show his book. No, actually, you people worship Krishna, but this Puran says this, that Puran says this.
He was busy showing the Sanskrit learning. I know this Puran, I know that Puran. So, when I saw that this person was just taking a lot of time, that he was just asking a long, long question, then I just politely ended that interaction and started talking to somebody else.
Then, as I was just moving from that person to somebody else, it struck me. See, this person is right next to me here, but I don’t want to give this person more time than necessary. And that person is thousands of miles away in India.
But while they are there and I am here, and my mind is so engaged, how could he have done that? How could he have written that? How could he have spoken this about me? I was saying, sorry, you know, why am I giving my mind to that person? If I am giving my mind, it means I am giving time to that person. So, why should I do that? So, if I am not ready to waste my time on somebody here in front of me, if the time is not a productive investment, then why should I waste my time on somebody who is smarter than me? So, that doesn’t mean what they are doing is right. It just means that by holding on to a grudge, we are holding on to something.
So, assuming that the person has done something which is very bad, we just have to move on. We are not saying that what they are doing is right, but holding on to the fact that they have done wrong, they have done wrong, that only hurts us. Go ahead.
In the war of egos, the winner is the bigger relationship. Why? What does this mean? If two people, I am right, I am right, I am right, I am right, both of them keep fighting, keep fighting, keep fighting, and then eventually even one of them wins. What is the result of that? Because both of them are acting on the egoistic platform, the result is going to be that the other person is not going to submit happily.
So, even if we win, that relationship is lost. Because that person’s ego is hurt, and that person is going to come back, and it does lack something else. And even if, okay, that relationship, I don’t care, that relationship is over now, I just wanted to prove that point, but if I have, if I have won the battle of egos, all that is going to happen is, my ego is going to become bigger.
And that bigger ego is going to affect me in other relationships. So, in that sense, the winner is the bigger loser. So, there is a story of how Hanuman, when he was going to Lanka, at that time, there was a demoness, who came, and she opened her mouth wide.
Who was the demoness? There was the Mayanak Parvat, and there was Sumanta, no, Surasa, yes, Surasa. So, Surasa, she opened her mouth wide, and she said that, actually, you monkey, you cannot go from here. Brahma has given me a prediction that anybody who passes by this has to enter into my mouth.
So, Hanuman, he said, I am going on a mission for Lord Ram, please let me go, I will come back and I will enter into your mouth. He said, no, you have to come back now. And Hanuman said, okay, I will enter into your mouth, if you can make your mouth big enough for me to enter.
And he expanded his sense. And then, Surasa expanded his mouth. And he expanded his body further.
And Surasa expanded her mouth further. And bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And suddenly, Hanuman changed his direction.
He made his form very small, entered into her mouth, light big, he just came out, you see. Brahma’s word is on her, no, please let me go. So, then she revealed that she was actually not a demoness, she was a goddess.
And she had been arranged by Hanu, by the Devatas to test the strength of Hanuman. The Vidya and Bala, his intelligence and his Buddhi and Bala. So, he exhibited his Bala by making his form so big and he exhibited his Buddhi by becoming small.
So, sometimes in an argument, no, we don’t have to always prove ourselves to be right. Our love for another person, our love should raise us above the need to be right in every argument. Even if we feel, no, no, I am right, you are wrong.
There is no need to do that. We don’t have to be so insecure that if I am doing wrong in this argument, my life is over. Okay, you feel this is right.
You don’t want life. So, sometimes just letting go of some issues helps. Go ahead.
When you speak, speak to give peace of mind, not a piece of your body. All this is there in my heart. I just want to vent it out.
It just makes the other person go wild like that. So, we can see how I can mitigate the issue. There is also austerity of the mind.
Speak in a non-agitating way. Truth is important, but speaking truth in a way that is beneficial is even more important. If you are speaking truth, you are going to agitate others.
Is it necessary to speak the truth? To speak in a way that actually helps resolve the situation. Go ahead. This was the last part of the talk.
So, basically, when we have a difficult situation, we have three broad identities. Tolerate, mitigate and imitate. Suppose somebody has come from India to Sydney and he finds it very cold.
It is very cold. What do you do? One year, my job is here, my family is here. I have to stay here.
I learn to tolerate the cold. I live with it. But if I can’t, then I have to mitigate it.
I always make sure that I have warm clothes with me. Make sure that I have proper heating in my home, in my car, wherever I go. I take proper medication.
Mitigate. And still, if my health doesn’t look well, I just can’t function, then what is the option? Imitate. Let’s go to someone else.
So, tolerate, mitigate or imitate. These are three options for us. And the same applies for us in our life, in our interaction with others.
When the Pandavas were initially, they tried to poison Bhima, Kauravas tried to poison Bhima. Bhima survived and he came back. At that time, Yudhishthir said, this is an internal family issue.
Don’t bring it out in public. We are all members of the same Kuru dynasty. Don’t bring it to the public.
Just keep it at home. Then eventually, even when they were trying, they weren’t alive. Still, the Pandavas did not accuse the Kauravas.
They tried to warn them. They were targeted. But, once Draupadi was dishonoured, even after the Kauravas, the Pandavas went to the forest and came back.
And still, the Kauravas showed no remorse. Then, the Pandavas said, now, tolerance is not needed. Now, we have to mitigate.
The same Bhagavad Gita which tells us about tolerance, the same Bhagavad Gita tells us to arise and fight. Arise and fight. So, there is a time when mitigation is also required.
Like, we need actions to correct. And, third is to mitigate. So, when Krishna departed from the world, the Pandavas decided that now, it has also announced the world.
Now, I don’t need to do all this. Now, they said, actually, Kali is coming. We have to protect the kingdom.
Others will take care. And, life is like a relay race. In this relay race, you carry a torch and run some distance.
Sometimes, you may decide, tolerate, mitigate, all three can be done with a service attitude. All three can be done with a resentful attitude. So, service attitude means, how can I serve Krishna? Okay.
Sometimes, this issue is so complicated. I don’t want to get involved in it. Let’s immigrate.
But, because I have better experience of serving Krishna. Tolerate. It’s a small issue.
There are so many other ways I can serve Krishna. But, I can’t serve Krishna without this. So, he said, I have to fix it.
So, if you do it with a service attitude, all three are shields. There has to be precedence for it. Act means, sometimes, you tolerate because of interactions.
So, the issue is not mitigated. Mitigate because we can’t live with that issue. Emigrate means, it’s just not working.
Let’s move on. So, we have to choose based on a service attitude. These three options are basically what, say, immigrate would be a worst case option.
But, these three are all options open for us. And, how practically we act will vary according to time, place and circumstance. There is one question, when to tolerate and when is a situation that is beyond tolerating.
So, we’ll have a skit which will briefly illustrate that. Ready? Please come. You need a mic or something? You need a mic to explain? No.
Thank you. This is basically a scene where some people are travelling together in a train. No, it’s a sequence.
I think, if we can finish, then Ganeshan Prabhu will do a presentation. And, Vijay Prabhu is going to speak. Vijay Prabhu is going to speak for five minutes.
Yeah. I think we should talk between public and private. What’s the problem? You don’t have to be a public person.
There’s something on his face. You know what, Jai? Can you get another drink? We have a station here. And, it’s my station.
And, it’s my station because of the man. So, they are both pushing each other for so long that they forget that the station has come. Second man.
You guys can decide. Can anybody… What do you think you’re doing? Next time you push me, you’re going to have to get off the train. You understand? Jenny, get off the train.
Jenny, wait. Jenny, come. So the point here was that, that how much you tolerate.
So tolerance basically means, let us find out this, it’s over, this is the last slide. Tolerance means, there is something more after this, go back please. So tolerance means, to keep small things small, so that we can focus on big things.
Tolerance means to keep small things small. So somebody is pushing us in the drain, it’s a small thing, move aside. But if you make that into a big thing, you push me, I’ll push you, you push me, I’ll push you.
And we get so caught in pushing each other, we forget our destination. So that means the big thing is missed out because we got so caught in the small thing. So if it’s a small thing, we just tolerate it and move.
But if somebody starts pushing us out of the drain itself, then we can’t tolerate that. We have to take a stand, we have to hold. And to hold us is why? Because that is interfering with our big thing.
So basically how do we determine what is a small thing and what is a big thing? It is based on our purpose. Our purpose is to get to the destination. And for getting to the destination, staying in the drain is a big thing.
Where we stand in the drain is a small thing. So similarly for us, actually it is purpose that brings perspective. If you understand that my purpose is to serve Krishna, my purpose is to grow spiritually towards Krishna, my purpose is to contribute to Krishna practically in this world through my various responsibilities, through my various professions, through my family, through my service of the temple.
If we have that longer purpose in mind, then we can say how much is this affecting our service to Krishna. If, okay, this is an inconvenience which I live with, and I can continue serving Krishna more or less, that’s good enough. But if something is just agitating our mind so much, which is disturbing us so much, we can’t think properly, we can’t chant properly, we can’t do ourselves properly, then we have to take a stand over that.
Because it’s a matter of our own consciousness so that we can focus on Krishna. And so tolerance is a strength when it helps us to keep our focus on the purpose. But if tolerance stops us from pursuing the purpose itself, then it is not tolerance, then it is ignorance.
When it is, we are going in a mode of ignorance where we do nothing practically. So that way, by understanding this purpose, how best can I serve Krishna? Srila Prabhupada himself also exhibited all these three at different times. Sometimes he tolerated.
When he was in America, at that time, he lived with hippies. And they had no habits of cleanliness. In fact, the only regulative principle of the hippies was to break all the regulative principles.
But he lived with them, he tolerated that. Why? Because he saw his spark as pure. So all the unclean habits, it doesn’t matter.
Because the big thing is, they are interested in Krishna, they connect them with Krishna. Then mitigate. Srila Prabhupada, when he was in Mumbai, and at that time, we were developing the Juhu temple.
And there was a very cunning person who was the owner of that land. You want to take the money from the land, you want to take the land also. So at that time, Prabhupada fought.
As a commander, he fought. He wrote a letter to one of the life members. He said, not even over my dead body, this person will be able to take the land of Krishna’s temple away from Krishna.
When the whole thing was over, Prabhupada said, when the whole thing, the land was signed, it was a good fight. Somebody should write a book about it. So now I was in Carpentaria in California, just a couple of months ago.
I met Neeraj Maharaj, we had just completed a book on it. So it’s called, A Promised Good Faith. Prabhupada had made a promise to Radha Gandhari.
Radha asked me, I will build a temple for you. So, Prabhupada fought over there. But then, earlier, before the Krishna consciousness movement started, when Prabhupada was in Jhansi, they started something called the League of Devotees.
And there he had got one place, in which he had hoped to become the international headquarter of the League of Devotees. But then, the whole people over there, they went in a clique against him. And they wanted that place for something else.
And they conspired to drive Prabhupada out of there. Now, Prabhupada had done businesses, he knew how to fight a fight. He could have fought, but at that time he decided, it’s not worth it.
He said that, you know, Bhakti Sahasranath had told him, you should build a temple in big places, Jhansi is not a good place. So, the people there were pious, they were not really spiritually serious. He said, integrate, I have better things to do in my life.
So, here, there are three options, how do we choose between them, tolerate, mitigate, integrate? I conclude with that last part. Krishna is our ultimate shelter. In this world, it’s like an ocean, there will be storms.
There will be relational storms. There is upheaval in this relationship, upheaval in that relationship. There are emotional storms.
When people behave that way, that makes us wild. So, when there is an ocean, when there are storms, for stability we need an anchor. So, Krishna has to be our anchor.
Krishna has to be our anchor means that Bhakti is not just about chanting Hare Krishna, or coming to a temple, or doing some little worship. The essence of Bhakti is to redefine our identity and our purpose. Redefining our identity means? Krishna becomes our anchor means what? That Krishna is our anchor.
I am a servant of Krishna. As a servant of Krishna, I have various roles in my life. I may be a husband, I may be a wife, I may be a mother, I may be a father, I may be a brother, I may be a sister, I may be a temple leader, I may be a Bhakti Krishna leader.
Whatever I distribute, all these are identities in my service to Krishna. So, my defining identity is that I am a servant of Krishna. And if we define ourselves in terms of any other relationship, if I define myself as a mother or a father, and if my child is on the wrong track, then I start feeling that my whole life has become a failure.
No, life has not become a failure. Naturally, as parents, we want our children to go on the right track. But that child is a soul separate.
And we did our best to serve that soul, and serve Krishna through that soul. Now, it is that soul’s freedom. So, if we make that relationship more important than our relationship with Krishna, then we will get happier in the eyes of Krishna.
Okay, I am a husband, I am a wife, but ultimately, I am a servant of Krishna. And I am serving Krishna through this relationship and through this process. So, if we anchor our identity in Krishna, I am first of all a servant of Krishna, and all my relationships are services to Krishna.
And then how best can I serve each relationship? That I can see in the light of that ultimate relationship. So, sometimes, some people, some people inspire us to take shelter of Krishna by their kindness. That means, they are so kind, they are so loving, they are such nice devotees.
And they inspire, Krishna must be so nice, let me take shelter of Krishna. But some people may inspire us to take shelter of Krishna by their harshness. That means, they hurt us so much, they annoy us so much, they upset us so much.
I have no shelter other than Krishna. So then, yes, it’s not what they did is right, but it’s our response is right. If we see that ultimately, all our relationships are meant to be centred in Krishna, sheltered in Krishna.
So, if sometimes some people behave in a very unreasonable, harsh way, what do we do at that time? We see that actually it is Krishna giving us an opportunity to take shelter of Him directly. When Draupadi, she had five husbands, and her five husbands were devotees. And she was serving Krishna with all of them.
But a time came when her five husbands did not want to help her. They could not help her. He was her protector, because one of her husbands only had got her into trouble with it.
So, what did she do? She did not waste time in giving her husbands. She just took direct shelter of Krishna. So, similarly for us, sometimes, even among devotees, sometimes we may be let down.
And when we see that, normally the same devotee, normally with whom I would get shelter of Krishna, sometimes the situation may change and the devotee may hurt me. But I have to see that devotee was offering me Krishna’s love. And if Krishna, with the connection with Krishna, is not coming to that devotee right now, then I have to connect with Krishna directly.
I have to connect with Krishna to some other devotees. So, that way, I can stay fixed in our relationship with Krishna by seeing all relationships and all interactions and all relationships as ultimately moving towards Krishna. It is said that some people bring happiness wherever they go.
And some people bring happiness whenever they go. When they come, everybody starts becoming tense. And as they go, everybody breathes a sigh of relief.
Now it is curious that actually the same person, now they bring happiness, we say some people bring happiness when they go and some people bring happiness wherever they go and whenever they go. But it may be the same person A may bring happiness to B and C will feel happiness when A goes away. So, relationships are very complex.
So, basically, rather than getting too caught in any person, no person in this world should be given the right to come between us and Krishna. In our relationship, no matter how important they may be, ultimately our relationship is Krishna. And we keep that in mind.
Krishna will give us the intelligence how best we can serve Him in that situation. Whether to tolerate, whether to mitigate or whether to inhibit. We focus simply on the principle Krishna, I am here to serve you.
Krishna, I want to serve you. Please guide me how best to serve you. The purpose of practising bhakti, real bhakti wisdom is to ultimately understand that Krishna always loves us.
No matter how many people in this world may reject us, may betray us, may disappoint us, Krishna is always with us. He will never leave us. And to the extent we shelter ourselves in Krishna, to the extent, the storms that may come in our life because of other relationships, we will be able to deal with them maturely.
So, we talk about various ways of developing maturity in relationships. The ultimate and the most foundational way is to strengthen our relationship with Krishna. Once we have a strong relationship with Krishna, we redefine all other relationships as services to Krishna.
If one service is not working out, that’s okay. Let me do some other service. Let’s see in future how it works out.
Kunti Maharaj says that Ganga always flows towards the ocean. Let my consciousness always flow towards Krishna. So, for us, our various roles and various relationships, they are like channels.
They are like channels by which the Ganga of our consciousness is meant to flow towards Krishna. We care for our family members, we serve other devotees, we do our family responsibilities, professional responsibilities. All these are devoted as a mode of service to Krishna.
Sometimes, some channels may get blocked. So, when one channel gets blocked, we don’t have to let it block our consciousness. Something is wrong over here, there are other channels in which our consciousness can be going towards Krishna.
And gradually, by its own course, this channel will get unblocked. And it will move forward. जीव कृष्णदास एही विश्वास कोरले तो आगो देखाना है। If we get the faith that Krishna is our Lord, and we are His servants, then in this world, there is no more hesitancy.
It doesn’t mean that problems are not there. But the problems won’t overpower us. The problems won’t overpower us.
So, conclude with one thought here. When we have big problems, then at that time, don’t tell God how big your problems are. Tell your problems how big God is.
Beyond all relationships, Krishna is there with us always. And rather than becoming problem conscious, rather than becoming the problem person conscious, we become Krishna conscious. मच्चिताः सेवददाई मत्प्रसादाः परिश्यस्मिन। If we become conscious of Krishna, He will help us cross over all obstacles.
To quickly summarise, I spoke our last point about ACT. So, in ACT, I talked about multiple things. I started by, the crux of the class was that, I will talk about his things already, mitigate, mitigate, mitigate.
But before that, I talked about how, in whatever situation we are in, we need to focus on the positives. We need to look at, how we can be a positive agent of change, in the situation that we are in. And that, you can understand, you can get that service attitude.
Then, I talked about examples of Pandavas, there is an example of Prabhupada, that in situations, we may tolerate, we may change the situation by mitigating, or we may imitate. And this is to be done in a mood of service. So, in a mood of service means, how best can I serve Krishna in a situation? Tolerance does not mean importance, that we don’t do anything.
Tolerance means, that we keep small things small, so that we can focus on the big things. And the big thing is, our service to Krishna. Purpose brings perspective.
Focus on the purpose of serving Krishna, then what is tolerable, what needs to be mitigated, that we will understand. And ultimately, this world is like an ocean, in which there are emotional and relational storms. Krishna, our relationship with Krishna is our anchor.
So, we don’t let any relationship define us. We are not husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters. We are person and form of servants of Krishna.
And as servants of Krishna, we have all these relationships. So, if a particular relationship is not working out, we think, that is like one channel of our consciousness is not moving towards Krishna. If we shelter ourselves in our relationship with Krishna, then we can find out, if this channel gets blocked, ok, how can I move forwards? And if we stay connected with Krishna, don’t let any person come between us and Krishna.
Some people will take us towards Krishna by the hand, by their encouragement and kindness. Some people may kick us towards Krishna by their harshness. But, we will see that every relationship, through its positives and negativities, will help us grow deeper in our devotion towards Krishna.
And that devotion is the ultimate shelter. Thank you very much. Hare Krishna.
Thank you. Thank you so much, Krishnaji. I feel confident saying, that this seminar was very, very brief for everyone.
Because we focused on some real challenges that we all have in relationships. And you gave us some practical guidelines on how to move towards becoming more mature and…