Misunderstandings spread like cancer – beware

[Congregation program at Richmond, USA]

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Hare Krishna. So I thank all of you for coming here today evening for this evening programme. And I will speak today on the topic of relationships, primarily about how misunderstandings occur in relationships and how we can move from misunderstanding towards understandings.
I have taken a series of four classes in New Jersey. Ramana Mahaprabhu suggested that I take a similar theme over here. So misunderstanding, as the word suggests, is where understanding is missing.
But actually, normally, when there is understanding that is missing, that does not mean that there is no understanding. It usually means there is some wrong understanding. Because the very nature of the human mind is that it cannot function without some kind of understanding of things.
So when we are in a situation where we don’t know what to do. So, for example, if we are on a road and we come to a crossroads and we don’t know which way to go. We may stop there.
But if we have to move on, now, even if it is the wrong track, we are moving along. So if it is the right track, we are moving in the right direction. If it is the wrong turn we have taken, we are moving in the wrong direction.
So whereas in a normal life journey, in a normal physical journey, we may stop till we find the right way. But life doesn’t stop. The time keeps flowing and because time keeps flowing and we have to keep functioning.
So we arrive at some understanding of things. And very often our understanding of things happens below our conscious awareness. That means sometimes, why is this person doing like this? We try to figure it out and then we may be puzzled for some time and then we understand.
We think maybe this is like this, maybe this is like this. But sometimes, so this is where we consciously analyse and try to come to some conclusion. At other times, we may not consciously analyse, we just see something and we assume something based on that.
This person is doing like this, that means they must be like this. They are doing like that, that means they must be like that. So when this happens, then we are, our understanding is like our compass.
Nowadays we don’t, hardly anyone travels by ship. So you could say our understanding is like our GPS for our car. So we basically function, make choices, take turns in our life based on our understanding of things.
And if our understanding of things is incorrect, it’s like the GPS is pointing in an incorrect way. Then we think we are going in the right direction, but we end up somewhere other than where we intended to go. So now when such a misunderstanding occurs, so the result of the misunderstanding is confusion, conflict and then there is distress.
So first is confusion, what is going on over here? Then there is, no, this is not right. If we got a misunderstanding, somebody else says, no, this is not the way it is. But when the two people are not able to understand each other, leads to distress.
Now, in the Ramayana, there is the well-known incident of how Kaikeyi is misled by Mantra. The Ramayana is, of course, a historical narrative. In that it is, it is Itihasa, describes something that happened millennia ago.
At the same time, the Ramayana can be understood at multiple levels. And Madhavacharya in his Brahmasutra Bhashya explains that the Itihasas, the Ramayana and the Mahabharata, they can be understood at the literal level, at the ethical level and at the spiritual or the metaphorical level. So literal level means this is what had happened.
And just by hearing it, we become purified. Ethical level means we try to understand, OK, in this situation, they acted like this, but in this situation, they should have acted like this. So we can get some ethical guidance about how we should act in our life.
And metaphorical refers to that there is something which is symbolised by it. So the metaphorical understanding is not to be taken at the expense of the literal. It is in expansion of the literal.
So the literal understanding is there, but some other symbolism can also be there. It’s like Shri Prabhupada. Sometimes he would explain that the six children that were born to Devaki, they represent the six Anarthas.
And the six Anarthas have to be the last anger, when we pad an illusion, they have to be removed from the human heart. And then the spiritual master manifests, that’s Balramji, and then after that Krishna manifests. So like that, Krishna manifests in our heart.
So this is a non-literal explanation, but this is not at the expense of the literal. It is an expansion of the literal. So similarly, Ayodhya in this case represents the human heart.
Kaikeyi is the soul and Mantra is the mind. So when the soul gets influenced by the mind, then the soul exiles the Lord from the heart. This is Kaikeyi exiles Ram out of the heart.
Now, how exactly did this happen? Actually, when Kaikeyi first got the news that Ram is going to be enthroned as the Prince Regent and eventually as the next king, Mantra brought the news and Kaikeyi was delighted. Kaikeyi took out her jewel necklace and gave it to her maid servant. She said, you brought such wonderful news for me.
Here is this gift for you. And Mantra, she just took the necklace and hurled it on the ground. You foolish woman, you don’t understand what is happening.
It’s a conspiracy afoot to deprive you and your son of your right to the kingdom. You should be lamenting, not celebrating. So what are you talking about? Because from the logical point of view, Ram was the eldest son.
Ram was going to be the king. So Bharat, in a sense, normally when we say somebody is deprived of something, if somebody has a right to something and then they are deprived of it. If they don’t have any right, there is no question of being deprived.
If somebody comes to say an ordinary citizen and says, you are deprived of becoming the President of America. When were you going to become the President of America? So, of course, Bharat was not an ordinary citizen. He was a member of the royal family.
But still he was the fourth. He was not the first son. So in the sense that he was not expected to be the king.
So, Kaikeyi was perplexed by Mantra’s irritability. She said, what are you talking about? And now Mantra had her own vested interests. So in this world, now, as I said, the mind represents the, my mind is represented by Mantra over here.
So all of us, we are very vulnerable. Maya for all practical purposes means the mind. Maya is, of course, the illusory energy of the Lord, which has her own existence.
But for all practical purposes, Maya acts through the mind. So, no matter how dazzling whatever illusion it is out there, that illusion can’t touch us unless it catches our mind. And once it has caught our mind, then there are times when we get agitated by certain desires, even when there is no object out there titillating us, no object tempting us.
Why? Because the desire has caught the mind. So, in some cases, it is the object outside that triggers the desire inside. Sometimes it is the desire inside that drags us to the object outside.
So either way, the point is that temptation catches us when it catches the mind. So now Mantra, actually, she influenced Kaikeyi in one particular way. There is illusion and there is hallucination.
Hallucination is when there is perception in the absence of any object. So I am just walking along, snake over here. Actually, there is nothing over there.
That’s a hallucination. Illusion means, I am walking along, there is a snake over there. I look down and I find, there is a rope over there.
So, illusion means wrong perception. Hallucination means imaginary perception. There is no object at all, but still you are perceiving it.
So Maya is what in that sense, is it illusion or is it hallucination? Illusion, yeah. So, the objects out there in the world do exist. And many objects in this world are attractive.
So the illusion is not that the objects are false. The illusion is not even that the objects are not attractive. The illusion is about the magnitude of their attractiveness.
The illusion is about the quantity of pleasure available out there. We think that if I just get this object, there is immense, immediate pleasure out there. But the pleasure is very limited.
Prahlad Maharaj in a prayer to Narasimha Dev says that, the pleasure is madhu lavai. It’s like a drop of honey, but intoxicating. But still it’s a drop.
So the pleasure is there, but it is insignificant. So illusion means that the object is there, but it is perceived wrongly. So, usually when we get deluded, when some misunderstanding happens, there is some small shred of truth, and from there, shred of fact rather, and from that tiny fact, a whole interpretation is made.
So now, Mantra, she told Kay Kay, you know, if this had been a normal, natural succession, why is it being done in such haste? Why is it being done when Bharat is absent? Now, Bharat’s absence is simply a happenstance. You know, Dashrath Maharaj suddenly, he’d been pondering about it for a long time, but suddenly he got inspiration. I should now retire.
I’ve become old enough. And when he got that inspiration, he immediately acted on it. He said, when you get the urge for renunciation, renounce the world.
That’s one of the Upanishadic sayings. So he acted, and when he had that urge, he consulted with his courtiers and leading citizens and immediately acted. So, Bharat’s absence was not any plot, not any conspiracy.
So, Bharat’s absence is a fact, but Mantra took it and spun it into a whole narrative. Actually, if Bharat had been present, Bharat would never objected to it. Rather, Bharat would have objected to Kaikeyi’s conspiracy.
But Mantra took that one fact. So what happens? The mind takes a fact. When misunderstandings happen, misunderstandings never originate from a vacuum.
There is some fact over there. But the facts, especially in human relationships, facts never exist in isolation. We always associate some story with the fact.
Story means that whenever we see something, we may think about it consciously, we may not think about it consciously. But whenever we see something, we immediately come up with some narrative about why this person is behaving like this. And that narrative is largely shaped by our own past interactions with that person.
So if we have a negative opinion about a person, and that person we find they’re eating a lot, we say, such a glutton! If we like that person, and they’re eating a lot, must have been hungry. So must have been very hungry, maybe we didn’t eat for a long time. So the fact is the same.
But based on our preconceptions, we spin a particular narrative, a particular story around that fact. So Mantra, she spun a whole story saying that it is a conspiracy. And what happened? Kaikeyi said to me, what’s the haste? Why do it when Bharat is not here? And as that sea of poison entered into her consciousness, it started spreading, spreading, spreading, spreading.
You know, cancer, cancer cells are also like ordinary cells, in the sense that just cells in the body. And all cells grow. Cancer cells also grow.
But the difference between cancer cells and normal cells is that cancer cells grow disproportionately. Normal bodily cells, they grow in proportion. So when the growth is in proportion, that growth facilitates the growth of the overall body.
But when cancer cells grow, those cancer cells, they grow disproportionately and they start damaging and destroying other things in the body. So growth itself is a good thing. But growth is a good thing when it is harmonious.
When growth is disharmonious, then it can be, it is disproportionate. It can be dangerous. It can be disastrous also.
So all of us, whenever we arrive at any understanding in life, now we start with one fact. Now based on one fact, we try to see, okay, this could be like this, this could be like this. So basically understanding goes from one starting fact towards more, more, more.
Just like bodily cells grow, like that our understanding grows. Now, just as when cancer cells grow, their growth is disproportionate. So similarly, there are times when we think we are getting an understanding.
But in getting that understanding, we neglect hundred other facts, hundred other understandings. So that one conception, actually you should not use the word understanding. It’s a misunderstanding.
That one conception which we acquire, that’s from one starting fact. That conception keeps growing, growing, growing, growing, growing. And as that conception starts consuming our consciousness, we neglect or reject everything else that we have learned.
So Ram always treated Kaikeyi like his own mother. And Kaikeyi too had loved Ram like her own son. But later on, Lakshman is furious with both Kaikeyi and Dashrath.
How dare they send the virtuous Ram out to forest for no fault. So at that time Ram says, Oh Lakshman, Kaikeyi’s love for me, for us, was like the flow of the Ganga. Lakshman is so furious.
That’s what I can’t understand. How did the Ganga dry up in one night? So, what happened is that, this disproportionate growth. She just heard one point, and then growing, growing, growing.
So, by Mantra’s poisoning, she inserted a poison seed, it kept growing, growing, growing, growing. It grew disproportionately. And then within a few hours, that same Kaikeyi who had considered Ram to be like her own son, her own beloved child, she started thinking that this Ram is the curse of my life.
Somehow or the other I have to get rid of him. She became, by this one conception, she became blinded to Ram’s love for her. She became blinded even to Dashrath’s love for Ram.
Because Mantra told him that not only should you get Dharad enthroned as the king, but you should also have Ram exiled. Because Mantra felt that, Mantra told Kaikeyi that if Ram stays in the kingdom, Bharat will not accept the kingdom. And even if Bharat accepts, the citizens will oppose.
So Ram has to go out. So now for Dashrath, she was going to break the heart. But she became blinded to Ram’s love for her.
She became blinded to Dashrath’s love for Ram. She became blinded to Dashrath’s regard for her. She became blinded to her regard for Dashrath.
Everything else. So when we, the mind is expert at spinning stories. And it is constantly actually spinning stories.
In a sense, the moment we stop speaking sense, the mind starts speaking nonsense. Sociologists have found that the time when people have done their work, people have relaxed, people are supposed to have leisure, that is the time when they start worrying. So when people are busy doing things, they don’t have time, mental space to worry.
Even if problems are there, okay, we’ll deal with it when it comes. I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this. But when we don’t have anything specific to do.
Now if there are blanks in our schedule, in school we have fill in the blanks. So if there are blanks in the schedule, the mind comes in. And it not only fills in the blank, but after filling in the blank, filling in the blank, it rewrites the sentence also.
So, what happens is, that it puts in some idea over there, but when that idea doesn’t make sense in the whole context, it changes the context. So in that way, we end up with some conception which we ourselves would have considered crazy earlier. Hey, this doesn’t make sense.
And actually throughout it all, see what happened with KK, she heard from Mantra, that was her first mistake. So she allowed that conception to grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. And more importantly, or more damagingly, she did not hear from anyone else.
She could have consulted Vasishta, she could have consulted, so anybody else, but she didn’t consult anyone. And thus, she became the cause of enormous distress. And so the whole of Ayodhya was drowned in an ocean of agony because of KK.
And Dashrath was so furious with her. Finally, Dashrath told her that, I had given you my word of honour, so I’m bound to fulfil it. But because you have thought something so vicious, he said, I disown you.
You are no longer my wife. Even this did not shake her. And then, all along, what was she thinking? She was thinking, I am doing this for Bharat.
See, the nature of the mind is that it will never think I am a bad person. It will always find some reason to think that I am a good person. So, in the Mahabharata, Duryodhana, he says, after great introspection, I can’t find a single fault in what I have done.
Actually, you don’t even need introspection. You just need one look. Such vicious actions he did.
But, the mind has its own way of spinning the narrative. And when the mind starts spinning its narrative, it just makes us, everybody else out there, they are a problem. And it’s true, the problem can be there also.
It’s not that we alone are the problem. The problem is with us, the problem might be out there also. But the mind has, the mind has a very, very expert, dangerously expert, dangerously expert way of twisting facts in a way it makes itself appear to be a good person.
So, now we need, if we are doing something which everybody is against, everybody says, no, don’t do this. Then, we need someone to approve. Because we all are social creatures.
So then, we need someone to approve what we are doing. So, what we do is, we create an imaginary picture of that someone. So, Kaikeyi, in her mind, had created an imaginary Bharat.
She says, this Bharat, he will be so pleased with me. You know, I have protected his right to the kingdom. And no matter how many people opposed me, I did not give in to the opposition.
Such is my maternal love for him. And he will appreciate me. So, I am doing this for him.
So, she had spun this whole narrative of imaginary Bharat. And with that imaginary Bharat out there, she just tolerated everything. And, even after Dashrath Maharaj passed away, still Kaikeyi’s heart did not change.
It was eventually when Bharat came. And Bharat was expecting, Bharat had got some bad dreams, inauspicious dreams. And when he came to the kingdom, at that time, what happened is, he saw that the whole of Ayodhya looked like a ghost town.
Everybody seemed to be in a state of inactivity. Not just inactivity, peaceful inactivity. Inactivity is like frozen, petrified.
And he went straight. Normally, when a son will come back, the father will be out there to welcome him. But Dashrath was not there.
Neither was Dashrath there, nor his brothers were there. What is happening? He went straight to his, he thought, Kaikeyi was the favourite queen of Dashrath. He thought, maybe Dashrath is with Kaikeyi.
And he went to Kaikeyi’s palace. And there also he did not see Dashrath. And then, he offered his respects to Kaikeyi and asked her, where is my father? And then, Kaikeyi, in a very cold, detached way, she told the whole story.
She said, there is a conspiracy to deprive you of the kingdom. And I protected your right. And because Ram was usurping your right, so I had Ram sent to the forest.
And because Dashrath could not tolerate separation from Ram, so Dashrath has, the king has passed away. And now the kingdom awaits you. Yes, Bharata, this is a succession of shock, after shock, after shock.
The very idea that his brother had been exiled, the idea that his father had passed away, this is a shock. That his mother had been responsible for all this, was even more shocking. And more shocking was, his mother thinking that she had done all this for him.
She was thinking that he will be pleased by it. So, sometimes, you know, we become, we are treated by the world as if we are guilty by association. Just because we are connected with some person and that some person has done something wrong, so people think you must also be wrong like that.
So Bharata had a lot of difficulty afterwards in explaining to people, he said, I had nothing to do with this conspiracy. You know, he was in one sense the intent of the conspiracy. All this was done for him.
But he who was the intent of the conspiracy had never given his consent. So he was, how he overcame that misunderstanding is also a whole illuminating analysis in itself. But let’s focus on Mantara.
Sorry, on Kaikeyi. So then, at this point, Bharata said, what have you done? You have caused the death of my father. You have sent my brother who is worshipable like my father into exile.
He says, you are not my mother. He says, you are the goddess of destruction incarnated in our family to destroy our entire family. And Bharata spoke harsh words to her.
That was the time when her bubble burst. That was the time. This was the moment when the imaginary Bharata came in conflict with the real Bharata.
Then she realised that Bharata of her imagination was not Bharata at all. It was just an imagination. And that was the time when she repented bitterly.
And then she, when Rama was going to the forest to besiege, sorry, Bharata was going to the forest to besiege Rama to come, Kaikeyi said, I’ll come with you. So Rama said, but Lakshmana said, no, sorry, Bharata was apprehensive. You only sent him to the forest.
Why do you want to come now? No, no, no, actually. You know, I made a big mistake. Please let me come.
I’ll like him to come back. But by that time, it was too late. So actually, when a misunderstanding possesses us, from the time when the misunderstanding possesses us, till the time we realise that it is a misunderstanding.
During that time, it’s almost like an alien, awful being possesses us. And it controls us. It just doesn’t allow us to see anything other than what it is showing us.
And that way, we end up doing things which we would normally never do. So misunderstanding, they begin with some fact. But from that fact is spun a story.
And that story often is disastrously wrong. In this case, it was Mantira, an external person who fuelled that story. In our life also, there are some people who like to create conflicts.
They will tell one thing over here. You know what he did? You know what she did? You know what she spoke? You know what he spoke? Misunderstandings often happen when people, when we talk about others instead of talking with others. We talk about others.
You know what he did? You know what she spoke? They spoke like this. And some people get special joy. You know what he spoke about you? He spoke like that about me? How dare! So we become angry.
Actually if you see, that person may have spoken something in a very different context. But often when people convey things, they may not tell the context. He spoke like this about you.
How could he have spoken like this about me? How could she have spoken like this about me? So thinking like that, we get angry. So misunderstandings begin with some fact. But from that fact, there is a whole story that is spun.
That story is spun sometimes by some people external to us. Sometimes it is spun by our own mind. And then once that story is spun, we just get captivated by that narrative.
By that particular version of things. And thus we end up ruining. Ruining relationships.
We end up ruining, destroying things which we have built over a long long time. Actually the whole Ramayana is very much centred on relationships. And the whole point of this relationship is some relationships how they work, some they don’t work.
And how some relationships really fall apart completely. So what can we do to avoid such misunderstandings happening? How can we move from misunderstanding to understanding? As I said, when we get a fact, we hear something. Okay, the fact is there, but even if the fact is true, now every fact occurs in some context.
And if we don’t understand the context, then the fact can be made to mean the exact opposite of what it was intended to be. The fact is the same, but depending on the context, depending on where it is said, how it is said, by whom it is said, it can mean entirely different, something entirely opposite to what it was meant to mean. So for example, we have in the Bhagavatam a verse that states that when yajna is stopped, then the devatas will die.
When the devatas die, Vishnu will become powerless. And when Vishnu becomes powerless, he can be killed. This is in the Bhagavatam.
Is it true? Who is saying this? Hiranyakashyapu is saying this. Hiranyakashyapu is telling the demons, what you should go? Go to the earth and stop all the sacrifices over there. He is giving his own plan of how he will avenge, how he is going to avenge the death of his brother Hiranyakashyapu by Vishnu.
This fact is there in the Bhagavatam. It is not the teaching of the Bhagavatam. So everything that is in scripture is not the teaching of scripture.
Because sometimes in scripture, demons may speak. And when demons are speaking, they are not speaking the absolute truth. In fact, they may be speaking even the opposite of the absolute truth.
Or to speak of demons, you know, the scripture can be so subtle, that sometimes the absolute truth may not speak the absolute truth. We have in the Govardhan Leela, Krishna tells the Vrajavasis, you know, actually if you do your duty, Indra has to give rains. He is bound to give.
There is no need for you to do any yajna. Just do your work. This is actually the philosophy of Karma Mimamsa.
Yes, we have to do our duty, but we also have to worship the Lord. So actually Krishna is speaking this simply to provoke Indra. If somebody says, this is the teaching of Krishna, it is not the teaching of Krishna.
Krishna has a particular purpose in that particular context. So every, just as a statement in scripture occurs in a particular context. Similarly, when people make statements, those statements often occur in particular contexts.
And when we are not aware of that context, then we just assume, this must be like this, or that must be like that. And based on that assumption, we just create a whole web around ourselves. And the worst thing that happens is the mind’s perception, the mind’s narrative that it gives, whoever tries to oppose that, we just reinterpret it in a way that it reinforces what we are saying.
So for example, when Dashrath told her, what harm has Ram done to you ever? How has Ram ever hurt you? Why do you want to banish Ram? She said, I will not be able to live if Ram goes away. If you want Bharat to be the king, let him become the king, but let Ram stay. So how did Kaikeyi take this? She took this, this is a confirmation.
Actually, this is a conspiracy. If Dashrath really loved me, why would he not honour his word? A Kshatriya is meant to honour his word. The fact that he is ready to even not honour his word indicates that this is just a deep-rooted conspiracy.
So basically, what we need to do when certain notion comes in our mind. Now this is not to say that we should just be naive and not be cautious. We have to be cautious.
So when something appears questionable, we need to ask questions. We cannot just live with closed eyes in life. But when something which doesn’t make sense seems to happen, or somebody has said something which to us seems outrageous, then rather than immediately assuming that this must mean this, our mind instinctively spins a narrative around it.
We have to stop that. The first thing we need to do is pause. As soon as we act on something immediately, we make a mess of things.
So even if somebody has spoken something that is very hurting to us, even if we assume that they have spoken something, even if there is some shred of reality in it, but still, at that point, the important thing is not to get even. You did like this to me, I will do like this to you. You spoke like this about me, now I know things about you which I will tell the whole world.
You disgraced me, I will disgrace you. So what happens? At that time, the whole tendency of the mind is, we take one fact, if it is true also, I am assuming, that we want to get even. But the important thing, when some kind of conception is controlling us, which is making us angry, even if it is true, the first thing is not to get even.
The first thing is to get safe. Get safe means, calm ourselves down. Let me calm down.
So for example, if we are going along a forested path and suddenly, a snake bites us and the snake is slithering away. The snake is stinging, the bite is stinging, the leg is in pain. You snake, how dare you bite me? I will kill you.
I start running after the snake to stamp it to death. Now even if I succeed, even if I catch the snake on its head and smash it to death, what am I doing? By all that running, all that I am doing is, I am causing the poison to run faster through my body. I may kill the snake, but I am killing myself.
So when a snake has bitten me, my first priority should not be to get even. It is to get safe. Get safe means, you know, maybe have an incision, cut off, get the blood out, have a bandage, which doesn’t allow the blood to flow.
Treat yourself. Now the snake is a danger and it needs to be dealt with. Maybe we ourselves will have to deal with it, we get someone else to deal with it.
But that is later. So whenever we hear something which seems to be, which seems to anger us, which indicates that somebody is behaving in an outrageous way, the first thing we need to do is, we need to calm ourselves down. See different anarthas tempt us in different ways.
Lust tempts by promising pleasure. Anger on the other hand, tempts by promising power. You know, when I get angry, you know, you did like this, I will show you.
You know, if you are a physical kind of people, I will beat you down. If we are not physically violent, verbally we will lash out. I will put you in your place.
So anger allures by creating a promise of strength, by giving a promise of strength. But anger doesn’t make us strong. Actually, by promising a strength, anger takes control of us.
Actually, giving in to anger is not a sign of strength, it is a sign of weakness. Because we are allowing that anger to control us. So when that anger is coming, the first thing to do is, get the anger out of the system.
This is not to imply that whatever has caused us anger, has to simply be tolerated. But we want to respond maturely to it. We want to respond intelligently to it.
Not just react impulsively, not just react angrily. So once we get calm, get safe. Get safe means, get the influence of that anger out of our system.
Then after that, the next step will be, okay, how can I deal with this? So then, as I said, instead of talking about people, talk with people. Talk with people. You know, love makes enquiries before issuing ultimatums.
Now what happened with KK was, he issued the ultimatum. Now, if you are an honourable Kshatriya, you have to fulfil these two promises you are going to make. So this is an ultimatum.
Now actually, to issue, first, if we have a relationship with someone, and we know them, and somehow they have done something which doesn’t make sense to us. So we have to make enquiries. So instead of making enquiries, when we issue an ultimatum, and that, leave alone love, that indicates there is not even basic human fairness over there.
So what is happening? We are not allowing that person to tell their side of the story at all. Every situation has often, you know, it can be pursued in one way from one side, and can be pursued in a very different way from another side. And usually the reality is somewhere in between.
But, you know, we need to have, at least give the other person a chance to tell their side of the story. But when the mind catches, this issue is an ultimatum. So don’t, instead of talking about people, we talk with people.
So instead of Kaikeyi and Manthara talking with each other, what could have done? Kaikeyi could have gone to Dashrath and talked with him. She never even asked Dashrath, why this haste in the coronation? So she never asked. So talk with people.
Of course, to talk with people, if we are angry, if we are aggressive, then they will become defensive. And that’s why we need to get safe. We need to calm ourselves down.
We calm ourselves down and then we ask. And quite often, we’ll find that the issue was not anything like what we had imagined it to be. This issue might be there, but the issue can be dealt with through calm communication.
But the issue is aggravated through accusation, through issuing of ultimatums. So, you know, our words, Kaikeyi did go and meet Dashrath. When she went to meet Dashrath, what had happened? She was angry.
She issued an ultimatum. She made a demand. She did not enquire.
So, words, in any relationships, words are always going to be exchanged. But some words act like windows. They help us to see into each other’s minds and hearts.
And some words act like walls. They just block understanding. They block communication.
And when we are angry, the words that we speak, every word becomes like an additional brick in the wall. One more brick. One more brick.
Sometimes the wall that comes between two people becomes like the Great Wall of China. Nothing can scale it. So, the word In 17.15 in the Bhagavad Gita, when Krishna talks about austerity of speech, he says, speak in a way that does not agitate people’s minds.
So, it’s significant that Krishna is giving various characteristics of speech. He says, satya. Satya is the second characteristic.
Austerity of speech means what? Normally you think of austerity means that fasting is an austerity. So, how is fasting an austerity? Basically, there is emotion or a sensation and then there is a response. Normally when there is hunger, after the hunger, there is a sensation and the response is eating.
So, austerity means we decouple the sensation from the action. Normally the sensation of hunger leads to the action of eating. But if I’m performing the austerity of fasting, then I decouple the sensation of hunger from the action of eating.
Although I feel hungry, I tolerate it. I don’t eat at that time. It’s possible to do it.
It requires determination. That’s why it’s called an austerity. Similarly, what would we mean by austerity of speaking? There is a sensation.
Sensation of anger. There is a sensation of being hurt. Sensation of being enraged.
And the action would be words lash out. Words come out. Words actually lash out on us.
So, austerity means that the sensation that has come in, the action that is going to come out. We have heard some information from someone and the action that is going to come out is some words. So, we decouple the two.
Austerity of speech means, we speak not to give a peace of our mind. I’ll give you a peace of my mind. When we say I’ll give you a peace of my mind, we often give the worst peace of our mind.
We speak terrible things. Speak not to give a peace of your mind. Speak to give peace of mind.
I’ll give you a peace of mind. Speak in a non-agitating way. He says speak truthfully.
He says speak truthfully, but truth he says second. First, make sure that you speak in a non-agitating way. Because sometimes the truth may be there, but the truth can be spoken in a way that can agitate people.
And when we speak in an agitating way, then people’s emotions get aroused. And once the people’s emotions get aroused, then they can’t talk, they can’t think rationally. They can’t speak rationally.
So, now, that’s why I may be speaking the truth, but if I speak the truth after I have agitated the person, then what happens? There’s no rational communication possible. So, if I say, you are such an irresponsible bum. You’re such an irresponsible person.
I’m not irresponsible. How dare you call me responsible? You are so like this, you are so like that. So, here what has happened? There may be a particular incident that happened.
We had told that person to do something and they forgot to do it. And then from that, we have made an inference that you are irresponsible. So, they don’t get to hear the facts.
They just get to hear, so, okay, you forgot to do this. That is a fact. You did not do it.
That is a fact. But from that fact, the mind spins the story. You are an irresponsible person.
And then when we tell them what happened, we didn’t tell them the fact that you did not do this. We tell them you are an irresponsible person. And then, how dare you call me irresponsible? So, the issue shifts from the facts to the value judgement that is based on the fact.
And then, it just becomes, you know, the fact is forgotten. And just keep fighting. If we speak in a way that doesn’t agitate people’s minds.
And we have to speak truthfully. If there are issues which are troubling us, they need to be addressed. But when we address them, get safe first.
Talk with others. And I conclude with one last point about how to avoid conflicts or how to avoid misunderstanding. Now, all of us, we in our relationships will face difficulties.
That is just the way the world is made. It is not necessary that the other person is to be blamed. It is not necessary that we are to be blamed.
Sometimes, just in this world, misunderstandings occur. Prabhupada gives the example. He says, forest fire breaks.
Nobody goes into a forest to set a fire. But the fire breaks out. Like that, something happens here, something happens there and people put two and two together and they make twenty-two.
And then, we are told about it. And then, some misunderstandings do happen in life. So, the difference, the defining difference between the relationship between devotees or a devotee’s relationship with others and a non-devotee’s relationship with others is that for a devotee, the devotee is not just acting in relationship with that person.
The devotee is also acting in relationship with Krishna. That means, when the devotee is acting in relationship with Krishna, the devotee doesn’t just see, okay, you did like this, so I’ll do like this. Okay, you did like that, still, what will please Krishna? No? I will not just act on the same level of consciousness at which you have acted.
I’ll think of what will please Krishna. And when we have that attitude of what will please Krishna, we will be able to restrain most of our impulses. The example of this is Vidura and Dhritarashtra.
Time and time again, Vidura’s advice was neglected by Dhritarashtra. Again and again, Vidura kept trying. Dhritarashtra never paid attention.
Eventually, Duryodhana started insulting Vidura. And when Duryodhana was insulting Vidura, actually, normally, even if we feel we are angry with someone, we don’t speak bad about that person in public. And almost never we speak about somebody who is elder to us about them, bad in public.
And certainly not in their presence. So, Duryodhana was actually one generation younger to Vidura. And he just charged Vidura, you are a traitor.
You are eating our salt but you are working for our enemies. At that time, this was such a grievous accusation. And Dhritarashtra remained silent.
When Dhritarashtra remained silent, Vidura naturally felt hurt. Vidura saw this, I can’t help over here, let me leave. And he just left.
Significantly, however, Vidura did not go over to the side of the Pandavas. You see, in a similar situation, Vibhishan’s counsel was rejected by Ravana and Vibhishan went over to the side of the Pandavas. Vidura did not go because Vidura knew that Dhritarashtra was not a bad person.
Dhritarashtra’s attachment to Duryodhana was what made him bad. And eventually, when Duryodhana was killed, at that time, Dhritarashtra’s attachment shattered. And then it was not shattered but at least he started becoming more amenable for advice.
So then Vidura came back again. Vidura could have thought, Dhritarashtra, he suffered, he lost his sons, he deserved it. I told you don’t do this, don’t allow this to happen.
Have you allowed it? Now see, this is what you are suffering. Now, sometimes, you know, proving ourselves right is not as important as getting the other person to do the right thing. Even if that other person has done something wrong and even if we had told them don’t do it and now the evidence has shown that they are wrong and that they should do the right thing.
If we make it an issue of the ego, see, I told you don’t do this. Now see, what happens at that time it becomes very difficult for that person to accept it. So getting the other person to do the right thing is more important than proving our rightness.
So eventually when Vidura goes back to Dhritarashtra, Vidura simply, he could have said, Dhritarashtra, you are suffering because of your own attachments. You just suffer. But Vidura overlooked all the neglect, all the betrayal, because he was not defended.
You know, sometimes if our enemies insult us, enemies hurt us, it hurts us, but that’s what we expect. The harsh words of our enemies don’t hurt as much as the silence of our friends. Now when we are attacked by our enemies, that’s what we expected.
But at that time, if our friends don’t defend us, that hurts us much more. So for Vidura, Dhritarashtra attacking him was expected. But Dhritarashtra remaining silent was not expected.
He could have said, he felt betrayed by that. But he did not hold it against Dhritarashtra. When Dhritarashtra was ready, he came back again and he enlightened Dhritarashtra.
And why did he do that? Because he did not see, you did like this to me, I’ll do like this. We are both together in a spiritual relationship. We are both here moving towards Krishna.
At that time you are not ready to move towards Krishna, now you are ready. Now you are ready, now let me help you. So if we think only of our relationship, only in terms of you are acting like this, I’ll act like this.
Then in practical terms, there is no difference between our relationships and non-devotee relationships. Our devotion is not just seen in how we chant, how we practise, how we come to the temple, how we come for satsang, all that is very important. But all that, it should lead to something.
And what does it lead to? It should lead to the Krishna element coming in all aspects of our life. Sometimes people will irritate us. And we may want to lash back at them.
But we see Krishna and what will please Krishna in this situation? So Vidura knew that if he went and fought on the Pandava’s side, then because Dhritarashtra was so attached to his sons, he would think that Vidura was responsible for the death of my sons. And he would never be able to hear from Vidura. So he did not go.
He just went to a forest on pilgrimage. When Vidura was ready, when Dhritarashtra was ready, he came back. So if we think that, you know, okay, what will please Krishna in this situation? What will help me, what will help this person go towards Krishna? So when somebody is behaving in an unreasonable way with us, now we may think, oh, this person is troubling me so much.
And we may want to tell everyone how bad that person is. But we often do that because we want sympathy. You know how much I am suffering.
But in trying to get sympathy, often we paint the other person worse than what they are. And when they come to know about it, they become angrier with us. And they paint us worse than what we are.
And in that way, our whole effort just backfires. Our situation becomes worse. So sometimes when we are suffering, if again, if we just think, you know, Krishna knows that I am going through a difficult situation.
It is not that Krishna doesn’t know. Krishna knows and Krishna will appreciate if I tolerate. In the 10th canto of the Bhagavatam, it is described how Krishna came from the heavens and he gave Rukmini one parijata flower.
And Satyabhama got upset. And so Krishna brought for her a whole tree. A whole parijata tree.
And after that when Krishna went to meet Rukmini, he expected that Rukmini will also be upset. And Rukmini will make some demand from him. But Rukmini never made any demand.
And later on Krishna tells that because you did not make any demand at that time, because you did not get upset although the co-queen was given something better than what he had given. By that he won my heart. So it is Krishna, if we are in difficult situations, Krishna notices it.
If we are dealing with difficult people, Krishna knows it. Some people bring happiness where they go. Some people bring happiness when they go.
So there are difficult people in life. Krishna knows we are dealing with some difficult people. So if we are being tolerant, if we are acting in a reasonable way at that time, Krishna sees that.
So if we keep the Krishna element in mind, we can actually act in a mature way, act in a responsible way and help to make situations better. We will be able to present our side of the story in a reasonable way. And by staying calm, by not becoming aggressive, by not speaking in an agitating way, we will help them also to present their side of the story.
And when we have the two sides of the story presented objectively, then we can find, okay, it is not like this, it is like this. We arrive at understanding. So the journey from misunderstanding to understanding begins first with not trying to get even, but to get safe.
And after getting safe, don’t talk about others, talk with others. And while talking with others, speak in a non-agitating way. Speak not to give a peace of your mind, speak to give peace of mind.
And to get the strength to do that, we can keep the Krishna element prominent. And we are acting not just in response to that person, we are acting to please Krishna. So I’ll summarise what I spoke.
I started to talk about how we can move from misunderstanding to understanding in our relationships. And I talked about misunderstandings means that understanding is missing. But actually when understanding is missing, the mind replaces it with some understanding.
Just like a car, if we don’t know the way, we’ll stop. But in life, we can’t stop. We keep moving and for moving on in life, we have to have some understanding.
Some understanding we acquire by conscious contemplation. Some understanding slips in without our conscious thought. We see a particular fact and we ascribe a particular story, a narrative based on that fact.
So maya is illusion, not hallucination. Hallucination means there is no object, but still there is perception. Illusion means there is object, but it is wrongly perceived.
So for all practical purposes, for us, maya and the mind are equivalent. Maya acts through the mind. So our mind often takes some fact and spins an entirely misleading narrative around it.
Just like in the Ramayana, mantra is like the mind. And Kaikeyi is like the soul who exiles Ram, the Lord out of her heart. She is like a yodhya.
And it all begins with one fact. That is, the succession was happening in the absence of Bharata. And from that she spun a whole narrative.
So one fact from that as our conception about it grows, that can be normal growth of understanding. All understanding also begins with one fact. But sometimes when that understanding is overthrowing all other understandings that we have had, then that understanding is like the growth of a cancerous cell, that conception.
So normal growth helps the body grow, but cancerous growth causes the body to die. So like that, Kaikeyi’s perception that there is a conspiracy afoot to deprive myself, this understanding overthrew, overshadowed all other understandings. How much Dashrath loved her, how much Ram loved her, how much she loved Ram, how much she loved Dashrath.
Everything was overlooked. So misunderstandings grow like cancer. And just as cancer destroys the body, misunderstandings destroy our relationships.
And Kaikeyi’s mistake was she did not hear from anyone else. Just heard one narrative and acted on it. So instead of making enquiries, she issued ultimatums.
And similarly we acquire a particular understanding and we don’t look for any alternative explanation. This is the understanding. We act based on it.
And then we speak in ways, we make demands, we issue ultimatums, we just make things worse. And eventually to rationalise what she was doing, she created an imaginary Bharat who appreciated what she was doing. It was only when the real Bharat turned out to be entirely opposite to her imaginary Bharat, that she realised, oh what have I done? So like that we create some imaginary character who approves us.
Somebody who will be like, oh they are approving what I am doing, they understand what I am doing. And that way we rationalise whatever the mind is impelling us to. So from the moment the misunderstanding starts dominating our consciousness, till the moment that misunderstanding exposes misunderstanding, it’s like some awful alien creature possesses us and makes us do things which we would normally not have done.
And the way to avoid such disastrous misunderstandings is actually to not get caught by the mind’s narrative. And so that begins with that when we see some fact and the mind starts spinning a particular story, and somebody else has done something which hurts us, at that time instead of getting even, first get safe. Instead of trying to kill the snake which has bitten us, we move to a safe territory.
So like that instead of hitting back at someone who has hurt us, we first calm ourselves down. And then we address the issue. And while addressing the issue, instead of letting other people’s version of what happened or what was spoken, determine our understanding, we in a calm way speak with others, instead of speak about others.
And while speaking with others, our words can become like windows which promote understanding. If we speak them calmly, in a non-agitating way. Austerity means that we decouple sensation from action.
Although I feel like doing this, I won’t act this way. Although we may be angry, but austerity of speech means we don’t speak in an angry way. Even if we are to speak truth, we speak first in a non-agitating way.
And then we speak the truth. So otherwise we make a value judgement. And then that makes the person emotionally aroused and then the facts are tossed away.
And we just argue without any understanding emerging. So speak not to give a peace of your mind, speak to give peace of mind. And when we are discussing with people, if the other person seems to still be unreasonable, non-understanding, acting in a wrong way, so that means they are not just misunderstanding, that the person has actually done wrong something.
But even then, we don’t respond at their level. We act in a way that will please Krishna. Just as Vidura, although Dhritarashtra neglected him, although Dhritarashtra remained silent when he was insulted, Vidura did not consent to it all.
Vidura walked away at a particular time. But he did not become vengeful towards Dhritarashtra. He bid his time and when Dhritarashtra was ready after his hundreds had been killed, he came back and gave him understanding.
So if we see that my relationship is not just a relationship with this person, this relationship is also a service to Krishna. Sometimes that person may not be reciprocating with my service, may not be valuing my service. That doesn’t mean that I have to let myself be manipulated or insulted.
I may keep a distance, make a little distance. But when the opportunity comes, we will be there to serve them in whatever way is appropriate. So when we are dealing with difficult people, we may, in order to gain sympathy, we may speak bad about those people.
And then they hear it, they speak bad about it, everything becomes worse. Instead of that, we can know that Krishna knows that I am going through difficulties. Just like Krishna knew when Rukmini, that Rukmini would be displeased, would be hurt when Satyabhama was given something better than what she was given.
And Krishna appreciated when Rukmini did not complain about it. So when we are facing difficult people, we know that Krishna knows what we are going through. And if we stay calm, we act in a mature way, we please Krishna and we grow spiritually.
And by proper communication, we can minimise misunderstanding and promote understanding. Thank you very much. So are there any questions or comments? Yes, Mithuni.
Thank you very much for the wonderful class today. I have a question about, you explained how to get help to people. But in practical situations, what are some of the things that we can do to help people? When anger comes, it is less likely that we are going to be responsive.
What are the things that we can do to calm down? So when anger comes, how can we calm ourselves down? When a snake is bitten, we can physically go away and become safe. But in a relationship, what can we do? See basically, we all need to find some kind of pause button for ourselves. When there is an impulsive reaction that comes up, it is very difficult to say no to it.
But saying yes to it is disastrous. So normally we think of emotions only, when emotion comes, we think of only two alternatives. Expressing it or repressing it.
Now expressing it, it makes things worse, it hurts the other person. But repressing it is going to hurt us. When we repress it, it will eventually come out in ugly forms.
But we have a third alternative. Not expressing, not repressing, but processing. We process our emotions.
Now see, if somebody is getting angry, we tell them, don’t become angry. What do you mean, don’t become angry? I’m angry, isn’t it? Our emotions, we can’t deny those emotions. We have to acknowledge those emotions.
But acknowledging those emotions doesn’t mean I have to act on those emotions. So processing the emotion means that, okay, I’m feeling angry. When I’m feeling angry, that means, you know, this thing is important for me.
And in something that is important, something has gone wrong. So that’s what we understand from it. So we need to process it.
So by a pause button, what happens is that, okay, I’m not going to do anything right now. And then after that, when we calm down, we evaluate. Okay, this was the thing that happened and this is what made me angry about it.
And then evaluate, what can I do about it? So as a writer, I communicate a lot by writing, I write emails to people. Sometimes when I’m angry with someone and I write an angry email, I write the email, but I will not send it. I’ll keep it in my draft for at least 24 hours.
And as I do that, I found 50% of the time, I don’t need to send the email. Sometimes that person only writes back and clarifies or apologises and the issue is resolved. And if I had sent that email, it would have become so much worse in that time.
Or sometimes, so after say, if I just keep that anger inside me, it’ll repress, I can’t do that. But if I send the mail, it’ll make things worse. So I express it by writing it, but not sending it.
So then after 24 hours, we calm down relatively speaking and read it again. That is the time we are processing it. Now at this point, yeah, it’s a valid point.
Here, it’s just too harshly worded. Here, I really don’t know the fact. I’m just jumping to conclusions over here.
It’s almost never has it happened till now that after 24 hours, I send the email as it is. I send many emails, but substantial editing. So because at that time, see, almost never in our life is the first me the best me.
The first me means what? Suppose somebody, his first time, they pick up a harmonium and they start playing it. Never before played it. That’s going to be the worst me, not the best me.
Because there’s no training, no practise, no rehearsal. It’s going to be the worst. In any other field in life, it’s never that the person just, first thing that comes in, they let it come out.
They don’t let it come out in public. They practise. It is with skills.
Similarly, it is with emotions. The first emotions that come out, they are there and that’s why they come out. But they are never the best me.
So I need to process them. The first thing is pause. So I won’t act on it immediately.
Even if the issue is there, I will not act on it. And after that, usually, if it’s an important issue, it is good to write down the things. And then, okay, this is what I felt angry about.
One, two, three, four, five, or whatever it is. I will process it. And then after processing it, okay, this point, I need to, this is a valid point over here.
This point, I need to find out more information. This point, I am just being too judgemental. After processing it, then we can appropriately express it.
And in general, when we are expressing it also, it is best to do that when we ourselves are in the mode of goodness, sattva guna. And the other person is also relatively in the mode of goodness. So, you know, like we just get angry with someone and we hurl an accusation at them.
You are like this, you are like that, you are like that, you are like that. And they try to tell their side of the story and we tell, no, no, I have to go to office. How does it work then? Then they will be worrying, how dare you think like this about me.
So, you know, we have to find a proper time in the heat of the moment. In the heat of the moment, we cannot resolve issues very easily. So, a pause button is important.
Now, what can work as a pause button for us, it may vary. Sometimes just chanting. When you feel angry, just chant.
Chant desperately, that can calm us down. Sometimes, you know, having some verses which are our favourite verses, just reciting those verses about anger, about the mind, whatever it is. Something that illuminates us.
Having a picture of our favourite deities and praying to them, please give me the strength to calm down. Taking a few deep breaths. So, we have to find out which technique works for pausing, which can function as our pause button.
And over experience we find it out. This is what I can do. So, when we are dealing with the mind, we need to know that the mind will behave in dangerous ways.
But that doesn’t mean that I have to act accordingly. The pause button basically acts like a distancer between the mind and me. The mind’s feelings are there and I can’t deny them.
The feelings are there. But I don’t have to act on them. So, we don’t repress them.
But we pause so that we can process them. After processing, we can experiment appropriately. Does that answer your question? Very excellent.
Yes, madam. Yes, ma’am. So, are you saying that in the evening then, the relationship… So, we have our mind calm in the morning with our sadhana, but with a heavy workload in our offices.
When we come back, again the mind is agitated because of that. That is to some extent inevitable. The nature of the human mind is that it will not stay static.
And Krishna also doesn’t expect that our mind should always be… that will always be spiritual. Krishna… It will when we are eventually very purified and advanced. But Krishna tells us realistically.
When the mind wanders, bring it back. So here, the point is Krishna is also acknowledging the mind will wander. Whenever the mind wanders, bring it back.
So, when a plane is going from one place to another. So, actually the plane never goes in a straight line. Your plane is going from Washington to Toronto, say.
When there is wind pressure, there is atmospheric conditions, because the plane goes off track. It goes off track when the pilot gets it back on track. In fact, sometimes the plane may be 95% of the time on the flight it is off track.
But because of the constant reorientation, it keeps coming back. It comes back. So, to expect that the plane will not go off course is unrealistic.
But to think that because the plane has gone off course, I have to go off course. No. We reorient.
So basically, the morning time when we do our sadhana is when we set the plane on track. But during the course of the day, because of the influence of the mode of passion, our consciousness will go off track. So that’s expected.
But we can reorient ourselves. So in the evening when we come back, we may plan something. Maybe as I said, just a little bit reading, little bit hearing, or just a few deep breaths, little kirtan or whatever works for us.
We can reorient ourselves. And by that reorientation, we’ll come back on track. And over a period of time, as we keep practising bhakti, then the disorientation that happens will become lesser and lesser.
The disorientation will happen, but the magnitude of the disorientation will become much lesser. And the reorientation will become much easier. But the process of bhakti is not just about being consistent.
We can’t always be consistently Krishna conscious. But what we can be, even if we are not consistent, we can be resilient. I get off track, I come back on track.
I get off track, I come back on track. And by that resilience, gradually the consistency will also come. Does that answer your question? Thank you.
When you need help, they don’t come up for whatever reason. So we know that Krishna is seated and I am helping him. But is that okay that the person is not moving forward? Two different questions actually.
The first question is about if a person has hurt us, we may calm ourselves down. We may avoid anger. But then shouldn’t we communicate to the other person that they have hurt us? Yes, that’s what I said.
We have to speak. Speak with others, not speak about others. So if we don’t get the courage to tell the other person that they have hurt us, then we have to find out an appropriate way to do it.
See basically, whenever we face any problem, we have broadly speaking three alternatives. One is change ourselves. Second is change the situation.
Change the situation means change the other person. Third is walk away from the situation. Now it is not that anyone is right and others are wrong.
It depends on time, place, circumstances. The Pandavas, we see in the Mahabharata, at different times they do all these three things. Initially when Bhima is poisoned, initially when the Kauravas try to burn them in Varanavarta, the Pandavas just tolerate.
They just tell, don’t tell it in public. Don’t make a fuss out of it. Just keep this conflict in the house.
Don’t tell it in public. They tolerate it. They change themselves and tolerate it.
But when Draupadi was dishonoured, at that time a line was crossed. And then the same Bhagavad Gita which tells Arjuna, tamam siddhi kshasobharata, tolerate. That same Bhagavad Gita also tells Arjuna, asmat muktishtha yasholavas, fight, attain victory.
Krishna is not telling Arjuna, tolerate the Kauravas atrocities. Krishna is telling, fight. So in some situations we need to change the situation.
That is also one course of action. Third is, when Krishna departed from the world, the Pandavas retired. They walked away.
So sometimes we may decide that, this particular issue has become so messy. There are so many misunderstandings in this particular thing. I have better things in my life than to resolve this.
Just walk away from it. Now which is appropriate when that we have to use our intelligence to understand. So we have to deal with it.
So there are many situations when we have to communicate. And if we don’t have the courage to communicate, then we have to consider the other two options. That either I have to tolerate it, change myself and tolerate it, or I have to walk away from it.
Now usually speaking, the fear of the other person’s displeasure or the fear of the other person’s reaction, if that is what is keeping us silent, then there is a there is a unhealthy power imbalance in the relationship. That means either that person has power because of certain position or whatever it is, that person has a power over us because of which we are unable to express ourselves. Now whether whether that is the way we want it to be, whether that is changeable, all that has to be decided.
But as we say, if we choose a particular option, then we need to embrace it wholeheartedly. There’s no point if I decide that, okay, I’m going to change myself. I don’t have the courage.
I can’t speak to that person. I can’t change that person. My words will not have effect.
They’ll have counterproductive or whatever. If I decide that, then there is we have to we have to be prepared to tolerate. See, what makes life worst is that we choose one option and expect the result of the other option.
That means I choose to stay silent and I expect the other person will understand me and will change. The other person is not Paramatma. Other person doesn’t know everything.
And if the other person had been so sensitive as to understand what we are going through, then probably they would not have done that thing only. So, each course of action has its consequences. And it’s not that one is a sign of weakness and other is a sign of strength.
It’s just that we have to choose which is wise, which is the best for us. And when we are able to do that, we have to be prepared. Now, it’s possible also that if we tolerate, the person may understand eventually.
This person has tolerated so much. But if we choose a particular course of action, then we have to stick to that. And we can’t expect the result of the other course of action.
So, the mind often troubles us by making us feel as if we are being unfairly victimised. It may be true that we are suffering unfairly. But then we also have made certain choices.
So, once we make a choice, we stick to that choice. Of course, in a future situation, as things change, we may make another choice. But we have to know each choice comes with a consequence.
So, which choice and which consequence we are ready for, we’ll have to use our intelligence to decide. But it’s not that being fearful of the other person’s reaction and that’s why staying silent, that may not be a healthy thing. In some cases, it might be because it’s a small issue and we just want to let it pass.
Keep small things small, as we say. But it’s a big issue for us and it’s best to find some way to communicate. And do it in a non-judgemental way.
But we do it. And then, when we are communicating, how we communicate also is important. There is a behaviour of a person.
There is the effect which that behaviour had on us. And there is a reason for that effect. You know, when you did this, it hurt me because of this.
If instead of talking about their action and the emotion that we felt on it, because of that, we just make a value judgement. You are so insensitive. You are so insensitive.
I don’t know how I can live with you. I don’t know how you can be so insensitive. So, what has happened is we have not spoken about the action, we have just spoken the value judgement from that.
And then, that becomes a, see, all of us, you know, we may we may pretend to be very confident, very powerful, very, even domineering. But everybody has insecurities, different levels of insecurity. And if anybody attacks us, it just, it just agitates us.
So, if we point out a particular behaviour and say, this is, when you did this, it angered me, it irritated me. So, that behaviour is different from the person. We all can behave in odd ways at times.
But when we make a value judgement about a person’s character, you are insensitive, you are irresponsible, you are this, you are that. Then that, I can separate myself from my behaviour or occasional action. But when an attack comes on my character, then it is very difficult to tolerate that.
Impulsive reactions come up. So, when we make a value judgement about other person’s character, we could just stick to specific actions, specific facts. Then usually, the person will also understand.
People cannot usually dispute facts if the facts are objectively known. You were supposed to not do this. It is an objective fact.
They may have a reason why they did not do it or our reason they may not agree with. But if we start with facts, not value judgments, then we become unproductive. Does it answer your question? And the other question is, sometimes we do something for another person when we help them.
But when we need their help, they do not help us. So, what do we do? Yes, the nature of relationships in this world is that people do not always reciprocate the way we expect them to. For example, if we look at our life, sometimes we also get help from unexpected quarters.
If we look at our life, whenever we have succeeded, somewhere, maybe we needed a job and somebody suggested you go here, somebody gave a contact there or whatever. If we look at our life, often our mind magnifies the times when things went wrong, when people did not help us. But if we look at other times, things went right for us also.
So, sometimes what happens is overall life evens out. So, it is that a person for whom we do good, that person may not do good in return for us. But somebody else will do a good turn for us.
And overall, life evens out. So, it depends on the specific situation. It is not that specific relationship, specific situation, specific relationship.
If that person is just interested in exploiting us, just using us, fleecing us, then we may just say, no, I am not going to help you, you didn’t help me. So, it is reasonable to stop helping that person. if it is done in a vindictive way, you know, you did not help me, so I will not help you.
If it is done at the same level of consciousness that other person is doing, then it becomes vindictive. But, we all understand that we have limited time, we have limited energies, we have limited resources. And we all would like to foster the relationships, all would like to foster deep relationships.
So, we would invest our time, energy and resources in relationships that are that are going to be reciprocal. So, if we are not getting reciprocation in a particular relationship, then we neglect, we may decide not to invest in that relationship. Not because we want to get back at that person, but simply because we want to invest our time and energy somewhere it is more fruitful.
So, to be to be reciprocal is not to be revengeful. So, tit for tat is motivated by the same level of consciousness. You did like this, so I will do like that.
But we are not talking about tit for tat here. You know, we are talking about a situation where you helped the other person, but the other person didn’t help you. So, it’s not that it’s the exact same action because you have already taken the first step forward.
So, we are thinking here, we are talking here in terms of Krishna also says, ye tha maam prapadyante taam sa thaiva bhajaam nihaam. Krishna says, as all people surrender to me, I reward them accordingly. So, reciprocity is a basic function of human relations, is a is a basic feature of human relationships.
Neutrality is fine as a principle, but neutrality is not meant to be like stone-like. Neutrality should be impartiality. But neutrality is not unemotionality.
You know, if we meet somebody and then we appreciate them for something and it’s just, it’s a no emotion. And somebody goes and scolds them, there is no emotion. And you think that’s very, you are a very unemotional person.
But you know, how do you develop a relationship with such a person? You know, if somebody is speaking nicely with us, we speak nicely with them and then the relationship develops further. So, in any relationship for it to develop, there has to be some reciprocity. See, love can be one way, but a loving relationship has to be two ways.
The other person doesn’t reciprocate, there is love, but there is no relationship over there. So, that doesn’t mean we break the relationship, but it is like different relationships can have different levels of intimacy and then according to the level of intimacy in a particular relationship, we may decide to invest appropriately, proportionately. So, because we have limited time, we may decide to invest more in a particular relationship and where we get reciprocation and less in other relationships where we don’t get reciprocation.
Does that answer your question? Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much.
Thanks for your enlightening talk. In today’s day and age, right, when the patience is running thin, how we can incorporate the behaviour of talk with others and how to encourage others to participate and even if talk with others is a good thing to do, is it not worth it to say out loud what is wrong is wrong instead of explaining the other person taking a pause and explaining. Okay.
So, when patience runs thin nowadays, so how can we take a pause and then talk with others and encourage them to talk with us and if something is wrong, isn’t it better to tell that it is wrong? See, human relationships are rarely logical. They are psychological. Most of us know that story, that picture, you know.
Is this a young woman or is this an old woman? Most of you have seen that picture? See from a particular angle, it looks like a young woman. From other angle, it looks like an elderly woman. Now, two people look from two different angles.
This is a young woman. This is an old woman. This is a young woman.
Old woman. What is it? Well, it’s one image. It’s not logical that the same image can be a young woman or old woman.
It’s not logical, it’s psychological. So, relationships, they don’t, they don’t function in logical way. Logic has to be an element in the relationship, definitely.
But relationships themselves, they involve emotions and that’s why you know, we can’t always expect that logical action, or logical, logical behaviour, or logical discussion will be fruitful. Because logic is one faculty. Logic is not the only faculty which we have.
And some people are more emotional than logical. Some people are more logical than emotional. So, we might feel, you know, I’m just, I’m just logically explaining things.
But other person says, you’re not understanding me only. So, so, sometimes, what people need is not logical understanding. Just need attention.
Just need time. So, when they’re telling us, this is the problem, this is the problem, this is the problem. And we tell, no, actually, this is like this, you know, do it like this, it will be solved.
Now, we are thinking, we are helping them. But actually, when they’re telling the problem, their need is not a solution to the problem. Their need is attention.
And they need, they need not just understanding, just need time. They just, for them, it may be that the time when we hear them and their problem, that is what shows them that we care. So, because different people are different, we can’t assume that logic itself will work in solving situations.
So, yes, logic has to be there. But for different people, logic is activated at different times. So, for some people who are more emotional, first, their emotional side needs to be addressed.
And then, the logical facts can be brought in. So, all the patience, patience runs thin in today’s world. But actually, we may say, I have less time.
But then, what happens is, if you are impatient, that the consequences of it take far more time. So, we speak one thing, we think that, okay, I just have to tell this right now. And we tell it.
But what happens is that person gets angry. How can you speak like this? And then, if we had just paused and calmly explained that one thing, we could have solved that in five minutes. But then, we just speak one thing and to clarify that takes five hours afterwards.
So, as it says, a stitch in time saves nine. Similarly, you know, we need to, one stitch on our mouth. I won’t speak right now.
That can save us a lot of efforts in future. So, the impatience is a factor, is a feature of today’s world. But it is not a desirable feature.
And it is something which we need to deal with, not just accept. Yes, we are all impatient, but we need to tolerate it or we need to manage it and find out time for important things. And as far as encouraging other people to speak is concerned, it all depends on how we respond when they speak.
It is like, if we are, if somebody is alone in the house and a stranger knocks on the door. Initially, when people open the door, they may just open with a chain. Now we have more sophisticated security systems, but they will just open the door with a chain and say, who is this person? And then they look, does this person look trustworthy, does this person look familiar? And then they may open the door.
So like that, similarly, people open the door to their heart very cautiously. So they speak one thing and they just check how we respond. And then if they say that we are just being judgemental, we are being insensitive, just slam the door.
They don’t open it. But when they speak something, we hear it. We hear it on judgementally, understandingly and they open more.
So to encourage people to speak with us, what means, it means that we we hear to understand. Sometimes we hear not to understand, we hear to explain. That means we are hearing just so that we can explain our point of view.
So we need to hear to understand. Some survey done and I said that an average person whenever the conversation is going on, they they tend to interrupt the other person every 18 seconds. It’s a very strong temptation to interrupt the other person when they are speaking.
So now sometimes the other person might just be rambling and it’s better to put a pause to the conversation and take it in some other direction. But sometimes understanding depends on how we respond. So we need to hear to understand not hear to explain.
Yes, we need to explain our perspective but after we understand. Does that answer your question? Okay. How much time do we have? We have time? It’s 8.57 now.
Okay. Yes, sir. Sir, based on whatever you were explaining and we discussed even in our you know active lecture last week, how do we remain in this mode of goodness and not you know get down to this passion, anger and all because the whole day our mind will keep pulling us down to this mode of passion and ignorance and relationships and all.
How can we stay in the mode of goodness when we are pulled down to the mode of passions and other ignorance by the world, by the workload? Yes, as I said, actually, by the mind also, actually, as I said, it’s reorientation. It’s very difficult to stay always in the mode of goodness. But, when we go down to the lower modes, we don’t take major decisions in the lower modes.
Any major decisions that have to be taken, any major discussions that have to be made, we postpone them, we defer them till we are in the mode of goodness. it’s not that the mode of passion and the mode of ignorance are bad. There are times when the mode of passion is also required.
See, Brahmaji creates through the mode of passion. Kadachiva destroys through the mode of ignorance. So, the problem is not the mode of passion or ignorance.
The problem is being controlled by them. We need, you know, if we have to get things done or we have to overall, by the practise of bhakti, bhakti connects with Krishna, who is transcendental. And once we are connected with Krishna, he’s transcendental, this is goodness, passion, ignorance.
By the connection with Krishna, gradually our consciousness starts moving towards goodness and ultimately we become transcendental but it will become more and more situated in goodness as we keep practising bhakti. So even if it tends to be in passion and ignorance, if we are regularly practising bhakti, it will come to the mode of goodness. So, now Shri Dasyala Prabhupada, he was, you know, he achieved so much.
In just 10-11 years, he achieved so much, travelled so much all over the world, wrote so many books. Shri Dasyala Prabhupada was busy but he was never in a hurry. He was getting things done, lot of things done.
You know, we are in a hurry but we are actually not busy. We are going here, going there, going there. Hey, I forgot that.
I have to do that, I have to do that. So we half do things. So, basically, the whole point is that we can’t change the mode that we have instantaneously.
So, whatever situation we are in, we try to work the best we can. And if we are practising bhakti, we will improve. Our modes will change.
So, within the situation that we are in, we can find out how I can cultivate goodness a little bit more. So, it may be that, say, if every day, before I start doing things, I make a plan of doing things. Okay, I’ll be doing this, this, this thing today.
Or if I do a particular set of things, we observe our own mind and find out which are the times when the mind gets irritable, when the mind gets depressed, when the mind gets pessimistic or whatever. And then we insert some break before that. Maybe a few minutes, read something, hear something, pray, take a few deep breaths, whatever works for us to get us back to goodness.
So, we have to treat the mind like a child. A mother knows that if I tell the child, study, and I go to do my work, and after I come back after one hour, the child will not be sitting and studying peacefully. The child will be doing some other thing here, there.
It should be expected. What the mother does, she comes back and makes the child study again. She can’t just get angry every time with the child.
But she can’t be unrealistic and expect the child to just immediately study. So, it’s good to treat the mind like a child. Now, the problem becomes that we don’t treat the mind like a child, the mind treats us like a child.
That means, the mother is going to tell the child, do this, don’t do this, and make the child do that. But the mind tells us, do this, don’t do this. And we do that.
So, basically, if we understand that, if we are studying scripture regularly, our intelligence is strong, then our intelligence acts like a mother. And then, when the mind starts doing something, you know, starts doing something which is not the best, then we bring it back. So, basically, if we, within our current frame of mind, within our current level of consciousness, we find out ways in which we can refocus ourselves, cultivate the mode of goodness.
So, there’s no need to demonise whatever our consciousness is right now. Oh, I have too much passion, I have too much influence. Whatever we are, that’s what we are right now.
We accept that and we don’t recognise that these lower modes are also vital, are useful. But I shouldn’t be controlled by them. And then create some breaks, do whatever is required to reorient oneself to goodness.
So, if we treat the mind like a child, then modes influence primarily through the mind. Then, you see, sometimes the child may be irritable. The mother doesn’t become irritable by it.
Mother says, come and try to get the child into a good mood. So, like that, sometimes our mind may be in lower mode. But if we study scripture regularly, we will understand, okay, this is what is happening and we will deal with it appropriately.
Does that answer your question? Okay, last question. I have got a doubt. Is fear or timidity an impediment to spiritual progress? It depends on what kind of fear or timidity about what it is.
Basically, fear is a natural and necessary reaction, psychological reaction to danger. Now, if I am looking down from a hundred-story building, I see this dizzying fall, I feel some fear. And that fear protects me from the foolhardy action of walking off.
So, fear is not bad. Fearfulness is bad. That means, after I have moved away from there, I am sitting peacefully in my house, still I feel, oh, what if I fall down? What if I fall down? What if such a terrible height? So, when there is some danger and I become aware of the danger, fear is a healthy reaction which warns me about the danger.
But fearfulness means, even when the danger is not there, still the thought keeps dominating. So, fearfulness is not good. But fear is desirable, it protects us from unnecessary danger.
Now, there are healthy fears, there are unhealthy fears. So, the practise of spiritual life does require some fear. Fear of illusion, fear of the dangers of the forces of entanglement in this world.
Fear of how we can be dragged down by our mind and senses to terrible things. That fear is good. In the biblical tradition, it is said, fools rush in, where angels fear to tread.
So, sometimes fear is considered good. At one level, the fear of the entanglement of material existence, that is healthy for spiritual life. But at the same time, spiritual life also requires a certain level of fearlessness.
Because when we turn towards Krishna, we start practising bhakti. At that time, there may be fear within us. Does God really exist? Does God care? Does this process of bhakti really work? We may have fear.
Okay, that is a specific, I will come to that a little bit later. So, now, when these fears are there, that fear has to be dealt with. So, when fear accelerates our imagination, we need to use faith as the brake.
If the car is going very fast, then the brake to make it slow down like that. Fear accelerates our mind. What if this goes wrong? What if that goes wrong? What if that goes wrong? And then we just become fearful.
So, faith. Faith means, yes, you know, Krishna is in control, Krishna cares. And Krishna will take care of things which are not in my control.
That faith can act as a brake. And that faith is developed by scriptural study and by spiritual practise. The more we study scripture, the more our faith increases.
The more we ourselves practise bhakti, our faith increases. So, whatever fear specifically we may have about spiritual life, which are becoming an impediment of spiritual life, we just take small steps. Yes.
So, thinking of spiritual life as, oh, I have to do such a difficult thing or I have to do this, I have to do that. Just think of spiritual life as taking small steps towards Krishna. Yes, you know, I can come to a satsang programme.
I can read one page of the Bhagavad Gita. I can chant one mahamantra. Like that, I can start off, take one step forward, one step forward.
But each of these, our faith increases. And as our faith increases, our fears decrease. And that’s how we can, even if the fears are inhibiting us, we can overcome those fears and progress towards Krishna.
What about timidity as an impediment in spiritual lives? It depends again on what happens because of the timidity. See, some people are by nature introvert and some people are inhibited. Introvert people, they gain strength when they are alone.
They can be with people and they can express themselves among people also. But if given a choice, they would prefer to be alone. That’s where they get strength.
On the other hand, inhibited people, they are constantly fearful about what people will think about them. And based on that, they just can’t express themselves. So, that is their timidity.
So, actually, we will stop worrying about what people think about us if we realise how little people think about us. Now, everybody has their own life. Now, even if we do a particular thing, people will think, why did you do that? We’ll think a little bit, they’ll forget it.
We can turn the same thing around. And how much time do we spend thinking about other people? We have our own problems, we have our own challenges, we have our own dreams, and we’re busy with that. So, usually, one of the best ways to overcome inhibition is to not care much about what people think about us.
Now, everybody in their own life, in their own mind, there is a drama going on. And in that drama, they are the heroes. And we are simply an extra.
We are simply an extra in their drama. You know, in a movie, how an extra acts, who cares actually? So, like that, for most people, I am not saying we should be insensitive. But I am talking about if we are inhibited, we should worry so much about what other people think about us.
The best way to overcome timidity is to know that people really do not have time much to think about us. They may pass some comment here, they may pass comment there. But for most of them, they pass the comment and we hold it in our heart for 10 years, and they forget it 10 minutes after they have spoken it.
So, you know, it’s just no need to take people’s opinions so seriously. So, if we focus on this point that actually, no, Krishna has made me, Krishna has given me some intelligence, Krishna has given me some talents and Krishna has made me so that I can make some contribution. Some people may be very eloquent and very charismatic and they may make a big social, they may have a big profile.
I may not have that, but Krishna has made me. He has given me intelligence, he has given me voice, I can speak. So, if we see that, not as often we feel inhibited when we compare ourselves with others who are very, very expressive, who are very eloquent.
As compared to that person, I am no good, we feel. And that’s why we feel we become inhibited or timid. But now, there’s a great saint who said that, he said that an eagle can fly so high into the sky, but that doesn’t mean other birds don’t have a right to fly.
You know, so, other birds can fly according to their capacity. Peacock can walk with great elegance, but that doesn’t mean other birds cannot walk. So, like that, we may not be able to speak and function the way some other people are functioning, but they don’t have to be our standard.
We are meant to be what we are meant to be. You know, if God had wanted you to be someone else, He would have made someone else. So, He has made you, you.
He has made me, me. And what He wants is that you become the best you and I become the best me. He doesn’t want that you become me or me become you.
So, if you understand that, most of the times we become inhibited because we have been unfavourably compared with somebody else. So, if our standard of comparison is that other person, whoever it may be, that person may no longer be in our life now. Maybe in childhood we are compared to some sibling who is better than us or whatever it is.
But our inhibition remains. So, if we change our reference point from the world to Krishna, then most of our inhibitions can be overcome and we can become more expressive as we are meant to be. Thank you very much.
And Shatrughna Chandra Babu will be in class tomorrow in Patanjali temple and Baltimore temple.