Overcoming negative emotions 4 – Overcoming anger through forgiveness

[Talk at North Florida University, Jacksonville, USA]

Video:

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
I was not sure how. So, happy to be here. Thank you all for coming today.
And we have been taking a series on overcoming negative emotions. So, today I will be speaking on overcoming anger through forgiveness. So, we have talked about till now.
Does anyone remember what all we have talked about? First was resentment. Yeah, second was? Yeah, second was depression. Third was? Fear.
Fourth was? Anxiety. So, in the next session I will talk about overcoming self-doubt. Doubting ourselves, I feel that I am not good enough.
That we will discuss in the next talk. So, in resentment and anger, they are two related. I will talk briefly about the similarity and then I will talk about the difference.
Resentment is usually unexpressed emotion. So, when we are angry but we don’t express it, that leads to resentment. And that also seeps out.
It seeps out as an irritable attitude, as sullen mood. It comes out. But it may not come out as one explosion as it comes when we become angry, when we are angry.
So, when we talked about resentment, I talked about how in life, when bad things happen, we need to recognise that they are temporary and shift our vision to that which is good. So, I am not going to talk here about events with respect to anger. So, I will focus on people.
We can get angry at the way things turn out or we can get angry at people. So, the way things turn out means, say, I get just something goes wrong in my life. Sometimes it’s because of people behaving unreasonably.
Sometimes it’s just because of the way things happen. So, I’ll focus on when we become angry towards someone and how do we deal with that anger. So, I’ll talk about this in three parts.
Firstly, I’ll talk about processing anger. Secondly, I’ll talk about forgiveness and its benefits. Then I’ll talk about how practically to forgive and what forgiving is and what forgiving is not.
So, all of us have some capacity to control things around us. Right now, I am speaking. I have some capacity to plan what I am going to speak.
And all of you have chosen to come here. You have the capacity to come here or not come here. So, we have some capacity to control.
But, while interacting with the world, there is much that we are not able to control. And, at one level, we could say that everything that happens in the world matters in some small way to us. But, especially there are certain things which matter to us very much.
And when the things that matter to us turn out in an uncontrollable, unpalatable way, that is when we react with anger. So, I expect somebody to behave in a particular way, to do a particular thing. And that’s important for me.
It matters. So, and when that person doesn’t do it, we become angry. So, at the first level, to recognise that anger is not just an unwanted emotion, but it is an indication of great value.
That this thing is important for me. Sometimes, we may feel that something is not very important, and another person gets very angry when we don’t do it. Then we understand that this person, for this person, this thing is important.
So, in a sense, anger, we can see it as a introducer to what we consider important. Now, whether that is really important or not, that is something which we need to objectively discuss afterwards. But if we see anger in this way as an emotion that introduces us to that which we consider very important, then anger can help us better understand us.
There are different weaknesses within us and they tempt us in different ways. Anger tempts us with the illusion of power. When we become angry, we are tempted by the feeling that now I will show this person.
I have tolerated enough now. I will show what I can do. I will put this person in their place.
I will give them a piece of their mind, my mind. So, basically, anger makes us feel that the control which seems to have slipped out of our hands, we will grab it back forcefully. So, the first thing is, as I said, anger tells us what is important for us.
And secondly, anger promises us that that which has gone out of control, we will be able to get it back under control. So, in that sense, the intention, this may not be a consciously thought out intention, but the intention when we get angry is, we want to gain control. Now, when we get angry, we vent out our emotions, we do certain actions, and temporarily, it may seem to be very powerful.
A person who normally speaks very softly suddenly starts yelling. A person who is very gentle suddenly becomes aggressive. It looks, at one level, powerful.
But, the power is of use only when it is regulated. Power is of use only when it is regulated. We have electric power which is lighting the room, by which we are able to speak in the mic.
Now, if electric power did not flow through the electric wires, if say, because of water seeping into the walls or whatever, the whole wall and the whole room had become permeated with electric flow, that electric power would not be of any use. It would cause great harm. It could kill.
For that matter, if we consider nuclear power, it can be of great use, but if it is not regulated, it can cause great destruction. We have hydroelectric power. Water is flowing in its path in a riverbed.
It irrigates and provides vital water to so many areas, but if that water’s flow gets over its beds, then it can cause devastation. So, power is of use only when it is regulated. And anger leads to, it gives us a sense of power, but the power that is expressed in anger is actually and that unregulated power which is expressed through anger is counteracted.
In anger, we get a sense of power, but then we express that power without much sense. And thus, we end up speaking and doing things which hurt others terribly, which we ourselves regret. And if we just resolve, next time I will not get angry, that just doesn’t work.
You may say, I will not get angry. I may decide that, but next time when the provocative situation comes, I will tend to explore again. So, if I understand these two things, anger indicates that something is important for me and anger gives me a sense of power, but because the power is unregulated, so, it eventually makes me powerless.
So, if we understand these two aspects of anger, then we will be better equipped to process it when it comes. So, rather than, why did I become angry like that? Why did I speak like that? Okay, we can go inwards. Okay, what was it that was so important for me that I felt so threatened that I did this? So, we go inwards and try to address the issue that is important for us.
And then, we also reason backwards and think, okay, what was I thinking would happen? You know, I write an angry letter to someone, I send a very angry text to someone. What was I expecting would happen? Now, at that time, we may say, I was not thinking, I just spoke. So, the Greeks would say that anger is temporary insanity.
But, you know, at that time, it doesn’t seem like insanity. At that time, there was some thinking going on, which made us feel that this will work out. This is the way to go ahead.
But, quite often, that was the way which got us into trouble. So, we all need some sense of control, some sense of power in our life. If we feel completely powerless about situations and sometimes, we may be completely powerless.
But, even at that time, we can have control over our thoughts. This terrible thing will happen, this person will behave in such an unreasonable way. Sorry.
But, by thinking about that person, by burning at what that person has done, I am only hurting myself. So, the more I think about that person, the more that person is actually controlling me. So, when we get angry at someone, we want to control that person.
But, actually, that person is controlling our thoughts. So, you see the paradox over here? Anger is delivering the exact opposite of what it is promising. It promises us, I will speak this, I will do this, I will get this person to do the right thing.
What I think is the right thing. But, while thinking about this, in an angry mood, whether we control that person or not is secondary. Most likely, an angry expression is not going to make that person, win over that person.
Sometimes they may do it out of force or fear, but they will resent it, and they will revert back to their earlier way, whatever it was. But, what is happening is, whatever way they respond, when we get angry, we can give that person control over us. Control over our thoughts.
So, in that sense, those who anger us, conquer us. Those who anger us, conquer us. This does not mean that we should never get angry.
But, rather, when anger is a response, is a reaction that is triggered by others, then, when people behave in a particular way, a response to which I get angry, then, essentially, the thing that I am doing is, I am letting that person control my behaviour. And, in that sense, that person is conquered. So, there are times when we need to speak firmly.
So, the Bhagavad Gita talks about three modes of material nature. These are three broad ways in which the human mind functions. So, one is the mode of ignorance, that is, the mode of goodness, the mode of passion, and the mode of ignorance.
These are three broad ways in which we think and act. So, one way to explain the three modes is that some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, and some people wonder what happened. So, those who make things happen are in the mode of goodness.
There is action and there is contemplation. There is contemplation and there is action. First, thinking and then acting.
In the mode of passion, there is first action and then there is contemplation. First, I act and then, why did I do that? And there is all kind of thinking afterwards. Mode of ignorance, there is neither action nor contemplation.
One is simply and simply enacting. So, when there is anger, at that time there are three broad ways in which we may respond. One is we may just be passive.
The second is we may be aggressive. And third is we may be assertive. So, when you say overcoming anger it doesn’t mean that we just don’t do anything no matter what other person does.
But rather, it means that our responses are determined by our intelligence, our intention. Not by that other person’s actions. So, when I am passive, then I just feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes some people sit in a public place with a sorry look on their face. It’s almost like they are begging for some attention. Look, pay some attention to me.
They look sorry for themselves. They live often in self-pity. Feeling sorry for themselves and wanting others to empathise.
So, quite often, some people are hypochondriacs. Such people often become hypochondriacs. In trying to gain attention, they pretend to be sick.
So, when everybody goes through difficult situations in life, if we just stay passive, don’t do anything about it, then that means life will simply roll all over us. So, we don’t help ourselves and others may also not come to our help because they may not even know that we are going through difficulties. So, in the mode of ignorance, we react with passivity, just doing nothing.
That is unhealthy. Passivity, as I said, it will lead to pent-up resentment and will come out later. If we are in the mode of passion, that is when, you did this, I will do this.
And sometimes people say that, you know, if you do 10 things, I will do 20 things to you. So, the idea is that our reaction is determined simply by that person. You did this.
Now, aggression only leads to aggravation. Aggression doesn’t lead to any solution. Aggression leads to aggravation of the problem.
They speak something, I speak something, and things just go on. So, they do something. Often, in movies, you may see, there are revenge sagas.
There are dynasties sometimes. This dynasty is fighting against that dynasty. Generation after generation, it goes on.
So, that’s aggression. So, the best way to respond to some provocative situation is by being assertive. By assertion, what does it mean? It means that we recognise the reality of the situation without being biassed by the emotion at that time.
So, I am angry about something. What it means is, that this is important for me, that I want some sense of control. And anger is promising me the control.
But as I said, anger promises power, but it actually ends up making us powerless. It takes away the power we have even on our own thoughts. So, when we get provoked, the first thing to do is to calm ourselves down.
There can be different ways in which you may calm ourselves down. Some people may just try deep breathing. Some people may try counting till ten.
Some people may try reciting some verses or some prayers. Some of us may chant. In this kirtan before, some of us may chant mantras.
Some of us may go out for long walks. Some people may go and punch a boxing bag, whatever it is. Some people may just do a heavy workout.
There are different ways in which we process that anger. That means, that anger, when it is inside me, it will not allow me to think. I cannot wish it away, but I cannot act on it at that time.
It will only make things worse. So, we have to somehow get the anger down. And one of the easiest ways to get the anger down is to simply press the pause button.
Now, it’s like we can either, if we press the stop button, no, I will not do this, it doesn’t work. Because at that time, because that thing is important for us, how can I not do anything about it? As I stop, it doesn’t work. I just say pause.
I can deal with this, but not now. Maybe I’ll wait for 12 hours, 24 hours. I’ll pause right now.
And that itself doesn’t deny the feeling that we have, but it doesn’t make us a puppet of that feeling alone. So, we pause. And how best to pause, that we all have to find out our own ways.
The more spiritual the method, the more powerful it often is. I’ll not get into the way to pause buttons, to which I want to move forward. But after we pause, then we have to decide how best to respond.
We think calmly, we evaluate the situation. Being assertive essentially means starting with facts. See, most often, when we are angry with someone, we start not just with feelings.
I am feeling very angry. That will come out obviously in our actions. But, we start with the value judgments that we have formed based on those feelings.
You are so irresponsible. You are so insensitive. You are so lazy.
Now, when this is how we start. So, basically, there is something that has happened. There is some event that has happened.
Not just an event, some person has behaved in a particular way. Now, that has upset something very important for us. And based on the way that person has acted and the upset emotion that we have experienced, we form an assessment of that person.
So, what happens is, when we are angry, we don’t start with the facts. We don’t even start with the feelings. We start with our judgement about that person.
And that, if somebody comes to me and says, you are so lazy. You are so irresponsible. You are so this.
You are so that. That just triggers my defensive also. And then, what happens is, our concern was the action that the person did, the facts.
But, once we make a value judgement, then that person starts fighting with that value judgement. And then, the issue of it is forgotten. So, when we are assertive, what we do is, we do the processing.
What exactly was the issue? This was the thing that the person did not do. Now, it’s not that our feelings are wrong. It’s not even that our value judgement is wrong.
It may be. It may not be. With respect to feelings, we can’t really call the feelings as wrong.
Because I am feeling that right now. So, now, there may be some information which I did not know, because of which I got that feeling. But, the point is that when we start with value judgments, we force the person to become defensive.
And quite often, defensive person, in trying to defend, they use the strategy of being aggressive. They use the strategy of being aggressive. That means, you know, if I tell somebody that, you are so insensitive.
You think you are so insensitive, is it? I tell you how insensitive you are. And then, it just becomes we are accusing them and they are accusing us. So, in this way, when we become angry, aggression leads to aggravation.
Being assertive, we start with facts. Start with facts means that, you know, you said that you would bring this, but when you did not bring this to me, this is what happened. So, if we start with facts, basically assertive speech, it starts with facts.
Then, it starts with the fact. I said, there is a fact, there is a feeling and there is a judgement. So, when we start with the judgement, we get the sequence wrong.
We start with the fact. Now, when you did not come in, so, if I say, you never keep your promises. You are so irresponsible.
I am just attacking that person. So, what happens is, all of us have different things that are important for us. Although there are some things that are important for all of us, but even among the important things, which thing falls at what level in the hierarchy of importance, we don’t know for whom.
So, therefore, we start with the facts. Now, when you did not do this or when you did this, I felt like this because of this. So, you may say, it’s very difficult to think and speak like this.
Yes, it is difficult, no doubt. But, speaking in anger actually increases the difficulty much more. So, overcoming anger means that we take a step back and we act assertively.
Now, on acting assertively, that means, start with the facts, tell my feeling based on the facts, and give a reason why I felt like that, give a reason for that. Then, we can see the response of the person. And quite often, when we act in this way, we will find that the person, can you understand, okay, this is what happened, I didn’t know.
I didn’t know this was so important for you. Or, when we present the facts, especially if we are in a close relationship, people understand that there are certain things important for us. We start with facts, then, often, the reconciliation is much more easily possible.
Generally, in a close relationship, people don’t want to hurt each other. But, somehow, when something happens because of which they hurt each other, then, if they see that the other person is just twisting the knife that has been put in the body, they are hurting me more, then I want to hurt back more. So, what we start off as a cordial relationship, means, over time, become a relationship where both become vindictive.
You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you back. You did this, although I didn’t like it, you did it deliberately, therefore, I will do this, because you don’t like it. And it’s not that I like doing it, and I don’t really get pleasure in hurting the other person.
But, just a misdirected way of trying to care. So, now, when this is happening, somebody has done something wrong, and we have processed our emotion, expressed ourselves, then, what happens? As I said, we all have to start and stay within what is in our control. We have to start with, okay, what is in my control? Right now, my thoughts are in my control.
If I dwell on this person obsessively, that is only going to get me agitated. So, let me draw my thoughts back. Even when I’m talking with this person, I can’t force a particular reaction from them.
So, what is in my control? The way I present my case, the way I conduct, that is in my control. So, when we act based on, you know, you did this to me, so I will do this to you. Then, we end up letting our emotions decide our actions.
So, we need all, especially in close relationships, we need to be forgiving. And, forgiveness, I’ll talk more about it, but the first point in forgiveness is, we are ready to renounce the right to get even. It’s not that we just accept the wound that they have caused us passively, but we are ready to renounce that.
My purpose here is not just to get even. You did this to me, so I’ll do this to you. No, I want to understand why did you do this? And how can you make things better? Sometimes things may become better, sometimes they may not become better.
I’ll talk about that later. But, the forgiveness begins with the willingness to renounce the right to get even. Now, often, forgiveness seems very difficult because we mix up forgiveness with trust.
Forgiving someone is not the same as trusting someone. Forgiveness is for the past. Trust is for the future.
Forgiveness is for what someone has done in the past. Okay, you did this. It’s history.
I’m ready to move on. So, forgiveness is for the past. But, trust is for the future.
And, forgiveness can be given. But, trust has to be earned. Somebody has say, I gave them some money and they lost the money.
Now, I will be angry with them and I may decide to forgive them. But, if I again give them money and again they lose it, then I am being foolish over there. So, forgiveness doesn’t mean that we open ourselves to further hurts.
Or, we set ourselves up for being hurt further. Forgiveness essentially means, not that we set ourselves up for further hurts, but that we don’t let the past keep hurting us. This is the difference.
It means that when we forgive, what forgiveness is not, it is not trusting. We’ll have to wait and watch how that person conducts themselves. And, if their conduct is trustworthy, then we will trust them.
But, forgiveness means, I won’t hold the past against that person right now. Let’s see. Now, we can’t forget the past.
And, forgetting is sometimes dangerous. Somebody has behaved in a particularly wrong way and we just forget it. Then, sometimes that may be harmful for them and that may be harmful for us.
Different people have different weaknesses. Or, somebody is careless about a particular thing. And, we forget that that person is careless.
And, we ask them to do the same thing and they make the same mistake. Then, we are being foolish. We are setting ourselves up for hurting.
So, forgiveness is not trusting. Forgiveness is not even forgetting. And, forgiveness is certainly not condoning.
Condoning means, Oh, what you did was okay. If they have done something wrong, if by objective analysis we understand that what they did was wrong. It is wrong.
We are not minimising the wrong that they did. But, we are ready to move on in our life. Now, when we don’t forgive, we become resentful.
And, we stay locked in the past. Why did he do like that? Why did she do like that? And, we hurt ourselves by our thoughts. So, forgiveness means we let the past go in the past.
As I said, let the dead pass, body is dead. So, the scars of the past are going to be there. Now, say somebody has been cut.
And now, say if I have been cut over here, on my hand, there is a wound. And, if the wound is there, as soon as I touch it, there will be pain. Touch it, there will be pain.
But, over a period of time, if the wound gets filled, it gets healed. The scar may still remain. But, the scar will not hurt anymore.
So, the scar is there, but it doesn’t hurt. So, when we don’t forgive the person, then it is like a raw wound. And, every time I remember it, it hurts.
Say, raw wound, as soon as there is some touch from somewhere, it just hurts. But, when the wound has been filled, the scar may still be there. But, the scar doesn’t hurt.
Of course, the scar may trigger certain thoughts and that may hurt. But, the scar itself doesn’t hurt. So, forgiving is not forgetting.
Forgiving creates a new way of remembering. I remember without my emotions locked, fixated in that. And, it is no longer a raw wound.
Okay, I accept. This happened. Whatever reason you did that, it hurt me.
But, that chapter is over. So, forgiving at one level is actually being selfish. It’s not really being selfless.
Because, by not forgiving, we prevent our own emotional wound from healing. And, thus, we hurt ourselves. So, forgiving is, in that sense, very good for us.
So, okay, what has happened? The Bhakti philosophy, which is given in the Bhagavad Gita, explains that we all do certain actions and we get certain reactions. So, sometimes, if someone has hurt us terribly, what we can see from this understanding of what is called karma, the action that we do come back to us, we can, as a thought exercise, think that, maybe in the past I had hurt someone. So, I had hurt someone grievously, and the reaction for that is coming in, this person hurting me grievously.
So, this does not mean that I passively accept it. But, as a thought exercise, to not get into the zone of trying to get even and settle scores, this thought exercise can help. Now, probably, I had hurt someone in the past, and the karma for that is coming back to me, and I am getting hurt.
I did not necessarily hurt this person. I may hurt someone, but now, nature is getting back to me through this person. So, by again trying to get back at the person, I am incriminating.
And then somebody else will get it back at me. So, I am incriminating myself in the cycle of karma. So, forgiving means let the past stay in the past.
Now, after we forgive, what next? As I said, forgiving is not trusting. Now, there are three possibilities after we forgive. One is that when we forgive, essentially means that, okay, I won’t hold the past against you.
Let’s begin a new chapter. Now, in this new chapter, that person may continue their wrong ways. And if they keep hurting us, then we have to say that, okay, this cannot continue.
And we may forgive in emotion, but in action, we may take some corrective action. We may seek justice. We may, in some ways, seek some discipline or consequence for that person so that they don’t repeat that pattern of action.
So, from forgiveness, where we put the past back, put the past in the past, then how we progress will depend on how that person responds. So, if that person doesn’t repeat that mistake, continues on in behaving in a responsible, proper way, then from that forgiveness, we may again rise to trusting them. So, yes, yes, okay, they understood that this was a mistake, this was important for me, and they did not do it.
And now they changed. And people can change. So, we may upgrade that forgiveness to trust depending on how that person responds.
If they respond positively, then we upgrade. Now, if they continue to respond negatively, then we may have to downgrade that. That doesn’t mean we become unforgiving.
The principle of forgiveness has to be balanced with the principle of justice. Justice means that if something wrong has been done, there has to be some consequence for the wrong. Now, this can be done in a vindictive way, or this can be done in an educative way.
Vindictive means, you did this to me, I will do this to you. If vindictiveness, if revengefulness, that is our motive, we are very negative. And even if we finally get even with them, even if I make them pay for their wrongdoings, what is going to happen? That negativity is still going to be there in us because we cultivated it so long for us.
And the mind, after that, will find some other wrong to become vindictive about. So, if I make vindictive action as the mission of my life, and this will be glamorised in movies, you know, you did this to me and I’ll do this to you. The whole movie is about how somebody takes revenge.
Now, and that is what is the idea, then vindictiveness, the movie usually ends with the hero killing the villain, and the score was settled. But in real life, if somebody makes their life’s mission like that, it tends to become a habit. And then one starts seeing this wrong, this wrong, this wrong.
And the mind will find some reason to keep getting keep getting vindictive. And then, vindictiveness will not just be an emotion, it will become a disposition. And we’ll spend our whole life settling wrongs.
Settling scores, not settling wrongs. You did this to me, I’ll do this. We have much better things to do in life than settle scores with others.
We have far better things to do. So, the point here is that if the person doesn’t act in a trustworthy way, or continues to act in a hurting way, then we may take action against them, not just to simply be vindictive, but to protect ourselves from them, to protect others from them. Because if a wrong is unpunished, that person may keep doing the wrong again and again.
But this motive, that they should not hurt me, or they should not hurt others, this is a different motive, means you hurt me, I have to hurt you back. The two are different motives. As I said, it can be because of vindictiveness, or it can be vindictive, or it can be educated.
In the Bhagavad Gita, I won’t go into the whole background, but there is a the Pandavas, Arjuna who is being spoken to, they have been time and time again wronged by the opponents. And the wife has been dishonoured, they were disposed of from their kingdom, attempted to poison them, to burn them alive. And there is just no attempt, no remorse at all on the opposite side, as brazen insolence.
And continuing on, they had to fight the war to correct it. But, in the Bhagavad Gita, where Krishna tells Arjuna to fight the war, then the same Bhagavad Gita Krishna says, nirvaira na sarva-kondesh. Do not have animosity against anyone.
So, don’t make taking revenge as the purpose of this war. The purpose of the war is to establish the rule of virtue. The war was not fought for settling scores or taking revenge.
It is fought for establishing a proper moral and spiritual order. And the other parties had disrupted that order and that’s why they need to be disciplined. So, sometimes strong action may also be required.
But again, what is the intention with which that strong action is done? If their intention is to settle scores, then we’ll simply keep settling scores for the rest of our life. So, as I said, when we forgive, we can move up if that person reforms and move to trust. Or, if they don’t forgive, then, sorry, if they don’t reform, they continue the wrong way, then we may have to take corrective action.
But we do it with a non-relative attitude. And, broadly speaking, I conclude with one major point. Within that, there are three points.
Whenever any unpalatable situation happens, whenever somebody behaves in an unreasonable way, that’s what we’re talking about here, we have three courses of action. One is, we change ourselves and we are it. Second is, that we act to change the other person.
Third is, we walk away from the situation. There are only these three options. Either I change myself, I act to change the other person, or I walk away from the situation.
Now, all these three can be chosen with negativity. Or, they can be chosen with positivity. So, now when I said that when we forgive, and then, if that person changes, we upgrade.
So, what are we doing in that? Upgrade the relationship of trust. We are active to change the other person, and during that period, I’m ready to tolerate also. Sometimes, some mistakes are just incident.
That person had so much on their mind that they forgot. We don’t hold it against them. I tolerate it.
It’s okay. We don’t have to keep a track record of all the wrongs that somebody has done. All the slips that person has done.
So, we just change ourselves, tolerate and accept. Sometimes, we act to change the other person. And, sometimes they may change.
But if they don’t change, this is not working, just walk away from it. We have much better things to do in life than to settle scores with someone. Because there are so many people, everybody has their own mind, and their mind works in their own ways.
And, because of that, they may wrong so many people. Now, just imagine this. Say, we are going in a crowded road.
And, maybe in America, I’ve not seen so much crowd. In India, especially in the local train, there’s so much crowd that in a room like this, we would have almost like 300 to 400 people. It’s like everybody is touching each other, squeezing each other.
That’s how we travel in the locals at times, in the local metro trains. So, now, if while I’m in a crowded train like that, somebody pushes me, and you push them, I push them back. And I move forward, somebody else pushes me, I push them back.
And now, if I spend my whole time in the train pushing back whoever has pushed me, I keep pushing back, they keep pushing back, I keep pushing back, the station I wanted to get out is already gone. So, when we get into a train, we have a purpose. Now, if somebody is pushing us out of the train, and we’re going to fall down, and we’re going to meet an accident, we have to push back at that time.
But, the point of getting into a train is not to push back at everyone who pushes us. The point is to get to a destination. And, if somebody is stopping us from going to the destination, if we need to get to the door to get out because that’s our station, and somebody is pushing us back and not allowing us to go, then we have to forcefully push so that we can get out.
But the point is that when we travel in a crowded train, we don’t make pushing back at everyone who pushes us as the goal of our life. We have, as the goal of our train journey, we have some destination to go, and if going to that destination requires pushing some people, we may do that. But, if we get pushed along the way, the train is crowded, just let that push go on.
It doesn’t matter so much. So, like that, the most important thing, this is the point I was going to conclude, the most important thing for overcoming anger is to have a higher purpose in life. If I don’t have a higher purpose, then the way somebody acts, I react to that.
You pushed me, I’ll push you back. I will show you that I can hurt you as much as you can hurt me. You think you are big and strong, you push me, I will show you how strong I am.
And the whole life goes on. So, if we have a higher purpose, then that higher purpose gives us a perspective. Okay, how important, this person did this to me, how important is it for me to get back to this person? How important is it for me to push back? Is it coming in the way of my moving onwards? If it is, then I’ll push back.
If not, forget the push and move on. The higher purpose of life best comes through spiritual wisdom. As we have discussed earlier, we are at our core souls and the soul is a part of the whole, as we refer to the whole by the name Krishna.
And we are all on a journey, on a multi-life journey of spirituality. We are meant to grow in wisdom and grow in love. Ultimately, we want to direct our love towards our souls.
We are the finite consciousness, the supreme is the infinite consciousness. And we are all growing in wisdom, in love through this multi-life spiritual evolution. While we are going through a life journey, we do want to achieve something in our life, we want to make a mark in the world, we want to have some security, some position, some prestige, all that is fine.
But dreams are not the ultimate goal of life. All these, we are going to leave them behind. An Italian proverb says that at the end of the game of chess, the pawn and the king go back into the same box.
You know, it doesn’t matter. On the chess board, you might have been a king, but in the box, you were the same king. So like that, you know, what we achieved in our life or what we didn’t achieve, what position we got, what prestige we got, that is not going to matter to us at the end of our life.
What is going to matter is what consciousness we have developed. Now what is the level of understanding and wisdom that we have developed? How is our understanding of love especially? What is the ultimate object of love? What is the best way to love? Whom should I love? How is that understanding developed? So that is our enduring asset. So if we see that my life is ultimately meant to express my devotion to my source and whatever talents I have, whatever inspirations I have, whatever ambitions I have, they are all in that mood of service, mood of loving, offering.
Then we will do our best but we will keep our eyes up towards our goal. And once we have that higher goal, then we have that higher purpose. Yes, I want to develop my loving relationship with my lord.
I want to do service in a mood of contribution in this world, in a mood in relationship with the lord. Then that higher purpose helps us overcome. Okay, you noted this? Okay, so if we consider from a lifetime perspective, we need so many people.
And if we consider that I am a soul, I am eternal, I have gone through many lifetimes. We have had so many relationships. If we look at our own life, we may look at somebody in our childhood or in our teenage years, somebody who hurt us grievously.
And then, now if we think about it, where has that person gone? Where are we? How does it matter? So, when we look at the big picture, we understand that whatever somebody is doing to me, it’s not all that concept. This doesn’t mean that I just be passive about it, but it just means that I don’t let that person’s actions interfere with my purpose. I have certain talents, I have certain ambitions, I am meant to make certain contributions over it.
I am not going to let it all be sabotaged by somebody who makes me angry and makes me want to hit back at them. That’s not the purpose of my life. If for fulfilling my calling, if somebody comes in my way, then I may have to push back to ensure that they don’t block my way.
But pushing them back is not the goal of my life. So, if we have this higher purpose, then which action to choose? Should I just change myself and tolerate? Should I act to change this person? Should I walk away from this? All these three, we will do with a positive intent. Otherwise, even if I choose one of these actions, even if it is the right course of action, if I do it with negative intent, I just change myself and tolerate.
I’ll explode sooner or later. If I act to change the other person, and the other person is unchangeable, I’m wasting my time and energy. Why? I hurt that person, I aggravate the situation, that doesn’t work.
I may sometimes walk away from the situation, but walking away is different from running away. When we walk away, we have some better place to go to. That’s why I won’t stay away.
But if we run away, our mind is still caught in that place only. I want to go anywhere except be in this situation, be with this person. So when we run away, at that time, I’m still caught.
Some big person has pushed me, I would like to push back, but I just don’t have the strength to push back. So I run away, hoping that that person doesn’t chase me and push me again. But, we’re still caught in that person.
So if we have a higher purpose in our life, then whichever course of action we choose, we choose with positive intent. And that positive intent with which we move forward will lead to the healing of the wound. The wound will be there and some wounds heal and the scars go away.
Sometimes, we may have an experience that we meet somebody after 5 years, 10 years, and then that person, if they’re a little sensitive or they become a little more sensitive, they’ll say, you know, at that time, I spoke like this. I’m sorry about that. I don’t even remember you spoke like that.
Just forget it. So what has happened over here? For us, the wound has healed so much, there’s no scar left also. In some cases, the scar may remain when we see somebody, that person did like that.
But if we’re forgiven, we’re moved on in our life, then it’ll just be a scar. It won’t be a raw wound. Sometimes, it’s the most aggravating thing is that somebody has hurt us grievously and they don’t even know they’ve hurt us.
So, that is this person is so insensitive over here. But that’s the way some people are. So, if we have the understanding that I have a higher purpose and I want to move on, my priority is with the whole whose part I am.
With God, with Krishna. And that is the relationship which will give me shelter. That is the relationship which will actually give me satisfaction.
That doesn’t mean other relationships are unimportant. But then, if we if our whole sense of self-worth has come from a particular relationship with someone and something goes wrong in that relationship, what am I doing? But we understand that this relationship and all other relationships and relationships with that but they have their importance in relationship. They are not absolute.
And we need to process whatever happens in that relationship and without giving in to anger we will be able to act properly. So, overcoming anger doesn’t mean not feeling anger. It doesn’t mean being passive.
It doesn’t mean not feeling hurt when somebody does something wrong. It means that we act assertively. And that assertive action comes when we have a higher purpose in our life.
With that higher purpose we choose an action which enables us to grow. Grow in wisdom. Grow in our intelligence.
And we evolve. How that relationship works out in that particular situation that will depend on that person which is not in our control. But what is in our control is our response and our growth through that situation.
To conclude with one quote there is, maybe if you know the author of this quote you can tell me. This author says that life breaks us in many parts. But if we keep moving on, the parts where we break, that is the part where we become the strongest.
The parts where we break that is where we become the strongest. That means what? When we go through painful experiences we learn through them, we grow through them and we become strong through them. So our painful experiences we will see them in the long run not just as some terrible experiences we had to live through but actually we will grow through them.
And these experiences will actually toughen us. Now how exactly that will happen? That’s for time to tell. But they will toughen us.
With that positive confidence we can work towards overcoming anger. So I will summarise what I spoke. So, I spoke today on the topic of overcoming anger and I started by talking about anger when it comes it, first of all we can’t say I won’t become angry.
It doesn’t work. It indicates that something is important for me. What exactly is important, we try to understand that.
And secondly, anger allures by giving a sense of power. But what it does is, it gives that person power over our thoughts. You are compulsively thinking about that person.
So power is of use only when it is regulated. Like nuclear power or electric power or hydroelectric power or whatever it is. So similarly the power within us, anger promises us but it becomes unregulated.
And it leads to worsening of situation. So to deal with anger we can’t wish away the anger but what we can do is, what is really important for me and what is it that I want to achieve? What is it that I should have worked out and didn’t work out? So for processing this the first thing is a pause pattern. Not say no, I will not feel like this.
Yes I will act on this. No. Pause.
Let me decide. So normally when somebody does something wrong, their action is the fact. Our feeling is strong, it is real for us, it is important for us.
But based on our feeling we make a value judgement. So if we went down the value judgement that person becomes defensive. And the situation becomes worse, worse.
Because they become defensive sometimes they become counter-attacking. They attack us and we just trade labels against each other. And the issue is forgotten.
So the three modes are ways in which our mind thinks and I talked about how in the mode of goodness there is contemplation and then action. In the mode of passion there is first action and then contemplation. And in the mode of ignorance there is neither contemplation nor action.
So with respect to anger in the mode of ignorance we just feel sorry for ourselves and stay passive. Then people trample over us which is definitely not recommended. Then in passion we become aggressive.
We hit back at others. But aggression means what? We just make value judgements against them and they hit back. Aggression means to aggravation.
So beyond that is assertiveness. Assertiveness means we start with the facts, tell our feelings and give a reason for those feelings. And that opens the channel for communication.
And with the channel opened if they are ready to understand and reform then things can become better. So forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is not condoning.
Forgiveness is not trusting. Forgiveness is letting the past sting the past. Now how we move forward in the future? There are two possibilities.
If that person reforms then we upgrade from forgiveness to trust. They have earned the trust. If they don’t reform, they continue to hurt us, to disappoint us.
Then we may have to we still have that forgiveness as an emotion. We are not acting out of vindictiveness. But we may take corrective action for educative purposes.
So that they don’t hurt us again. So that they don’t hurt others again. Keep hurting others.
So if we make revenge the motivation of our life then gradually that revengefulness will become a disposition and we will find some other prong to getting well about. Some other score to settle and our life will go in that. Say in a crowded train if we are going somebody pushes us.
Our purpose is not just to keep pushing them back. Our purpose is to get to our destination. So when we face unhealthy behaviour from someone hurtful behaviour, three options change ourselves, change others or walk away from the situation.
Which one we choose depends on our broader sense of perspective. The spiritual wisdom gives us a higher purpose by which we don’t make pushing others who push us the main thing of our life. We make going to our destination the main purpose.
And then somebody is obstructing us in going to the destination, we push back. So our purpose, we can all have different ambitions in our life. Ultimate purpose is based on our essential identity.
We are souls on a multi-lifetime journey of spiritual evolution. Evolution in wisdom, evolution in love. We are parts of the whole and we have an eternal relationship with the whole.
So if developing that relationship through devotion, through contribution in this world, that is the driving purpose of our life. Then based on that we can see which whom to push back at, whom to just neglect and move on, or whom to tolerate and that positive intent will give us the perspective by which we can overcome anger in a healthy way. And as by processing our emotions even if we are being hurt some places the scars will heal, some places the scars will remain.
But when life hurts us if we learn to evolve through that then we will actually not only heal but we will become tougher at the places where we were broken. And we find that the incidents where we were hurt they were the incidents which fostered our growth the most. Thank you very much.
So are there any questions or comments? I have a question regarding being assertive. Like they can be put in place but kind of in a non-communicative way just like kind of knowing you don’t have not letting other people over stress that but you don’t want to have a community system so how would you go about doing that? Okay. Yeah.
So in being assertive we have to set some boundaries. So how can that be done in a healthy way? Yes, it’s every relationship needs to have two aspects to it. There is connection and there is space.
Sometimes we feel I want to talk with someone. I want someone to share with. Sometimes you just leave me alone.
I want to be alone. So in every relationship there is a need for connection sometimes and there is a need for space sometimes. And different people have different needs for connection and different needs for space.
And the same person may have different need of connection in one relationship and different need for space in another relationship. So basically it said that good fences make good neighbours. So this flower has grown in my territory.
This flower has grown in my land. There is a fence then they can have quality relationships. So now what would be the boundaries in the relationships? That has to be it cannot be in stone but it has to be discussed and understood and explained.
So if we all of us in our own moods and in our relationships we go through phases. Sometimes the phases are pathy, the way it is going on, let it go on. Sometimes there is lot of emotion and sometimes there is calmness and clarity.
So when there is relative calmness and clarity at that time there has to be candid discussion. This is my nature, this is what my need is. I will try to understand what is another person’s nature, what is other person’s need.
And based on that understanding we arrive at the boundaries. So this arriving at boundaries has to be done when both of the people are in a reasonably calm if one of them is in a hurry one of them is in agitated state then the discussion about boundaries won’t work. So if the relationship is important for us then we need to spend quality time discussing what are the boundaries and what are the, what is the need for space, what is the need for connection and how it can be worked out.
So if we do that then when some provocative situation also happens we can handle it in a more, if there are no boundaries only then if we let me, other person has certain expectations, we don’t even know that they had an expectation or we had some expectation they don’t know that we had an expectation. So boundaries help us to understand each other’s expectations. It will help us to understand each other’s limitations.
So then we can be more realistic in the relationship and then the relationship can become steadier. Does it answer the question? Yes, please. Maybe you can speak, I’ll repeat the question.
What is the precursor to anger? How can we know anger is coming? I’ll take that metaphor of driving, of road journey. Sometimes there are some roads on which we have travelled and we know that at particular point bumps are there. So when the bump is there we know that I have to slow down, if I don’t I’m a big jerk over.
Second situation is where we are travelling on road that we don’t know anything about. On most roads there will be some road signs but even before the road sign comes, if the road is familiar we know that here the bump is going to come. So basically if we look at our own life our mind does not really have an unlimited ways in which it deludes us.
Specific ideas may come up in many but the overall patterns are standard. So if we observe our own life, we can ask to understand. This is a situation where I want to explode after some time.
That’s like on this road I understand that a bump is going to come. Slow down. So if we look at our own life and find out what are situations in which we have exploded in the past then we can recognise.
That’s one thing. The second is, sometimes we find ourselves in situations we have not been in. We find ourselves relating with a person whom we just don’t get a hang of.
What is this person? How did they be here? So it’s like travelling on an unfamiliar road. We have to be more alert at that time. We have to be more on the watch out.
So usually I’d say broadly speaking three things, especially because we are talking about anger of someone else. When there is there is there is a residue of anger, not residue, there is the spark of anger which has not yet become a fire. Then, at that time, the first thing that happens is, at other situations, we start talking negatively about that person.
It may not be backbiting, it may just be small remarks which undermine that person. Or, at an even more subtle level, when somebody speaks positively about that person, we start thinking negatively. So, basically, if we are more observant of our own actions and our emotions, if we find that everybody thinks this person is nice, but why am I thinking like this? Why am I speaking like this? Then, that negative, especially negative words about others, and negative emotions, when something positive is being spoken about others, that is an indicator that there is some pent-up resentment over there.
If it’s not processed, it’s going to explode. So, these two things, that negative undermining talks about others, or irritating feelings about others. The third thing would be that, in certain situations, like in physical, we start breathing heavily, we start, our mind starts getting wild, we feel as if something is trying to explode within us, and we are trying to check it.
So, if it has happened once, and we check ourselves, now, we may say that is a victory, I did not get angry at that. But, it’s not necessarily a complete victory. Because unless I process that emotion, so if in a particular interaction with a particular person, we find that I had to fight to check myself, I find a strong urge to hit back, I manage to not do it.
But that itself is an indication. So, that there is something which is difficult in this relationship. Now, of course, some people, it’s a, just meeting them, you feel like you have come home.
It’s such a joy meeting them. Some meeting some people, is like walking amongst landmines. We don’t know what will cause an explosion.
So, it works like that. Different relationships are just different. I think I quoted Oscar Wilde in the previous class.
Some people bring happiness where they go, and some people bring happiness when they go. So, some relationships might habitually be tense. And then we always have to be on guard in that relationship.
But in other relationships where normally we have positivity, if you find a lot of self-control is required from our side, that means, that place which felt like a home, now it is changing to be like a place with landmines. So, something needs to be done in advance. Otherwise, a landmine is going to explode.
So, these are, I would say, some broad ways in which you can understand that a relationship is moving towards an angry eruption. Any other questions or comments? Yeah, okay. So, if in a past relationship we acted passively, or basically that person is no longer in our life, but still those hurts pop up.
So, do we need to practise forgiveness towards ourselves or towards that person even now? This depends on primarily individual nature. Some people are very reflective. They live a lot in their head.
Some people are more like, fix it, come on, do this, do this, do this. Those people, if you talk about them, you don’t even remember what happened in the past. I did like this, you did like that.
For them, they have so many things to do in their life that they just, it won’t figure in their minds. So, it may not be required for everyone to revisit their past and try to forgive oneself if one has acted in the wrong way, or forgive the other person if they have acted in the wrong way. But for some of us, we live by that nature.
More, more into emotions, more into relationships. And those thoughts do pop up in a strong way. Then, we need to deal with them.
So, there are two aspects to this. One is that the first of all, by having negative feelings about others. You know, we don’t want the best for them, or we want that something bad should happen to them.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so, okay.
So, this is, in general life, frustration is a function of expectation. So, sometimes, some people just don’t have that sensitivity. In the first session, I talked about the difference between insensitive and desensitised.
Insensitive people are those who just don’t care. Desensitised are those who don’t just feel. Now, if somebody touches me on my shoulder and say, if I have some mild version of paralysis or something over there, I don’t feel the touch only.
They want to turn and look, but I don’t look only. So, some people, they’re just desensitised in that way. And if we expect that kind of sensitivity from them, it’s setting us up for frustration.
So, if the relationship is important for us, then we may have to begin the communication. And then also we should be ready for they not even acknowledging that there is something wrong. So, it may be easier to talk about that relationship with someone else who is of a similar disposition.
And they’ll understand our feelings. Now, of course, this also has to be done when at least the other person is mature enough to help us heal. Otherwise, what happens? Both of us talk with each other, both of us pile garbage on that person.
Oh, it’s very bad, very bad, very bad. You confirm my idea. I confirm your idea about the person.
And then it makes things worse. But if we are in a mutually helpful mood, then we may need a vent for that. And a third person who is understanding, who is like-minded, they can become the vent.
So, that expectation that other people, the person who is hurt, apologise, it can happen. But if for so many years that person has not apologised, then it’s unlikely that they will apologise now also. So, it’s just setting us up for disappointment.
So, we just say that probably I had hurt someone in my past life, and this has come back to me. And we move on. Sometimes people do change and they apologise.
But most of the times, it’s the mind which tends to stay in the past. So, what we need to do is, if we consider the universe and we are ourselves, ultimately it’s Krishna who is the source of everything. But in the world, in life, we see that there are some people who offer us so much affection, so much respect.
And sometimes, we don’t even pay much time or attention. Because they’re offering us so much respect, so much attention, so much affection, we sort of take them for granted. But, there’s some other person from whom we expect, and we crave for it, we practically beg for it, but they pay no attention.
They don’t reciprocate at all. So, rather than trying to get reciprocation, we appreciate where it is not coming. We can be appreciative of somewhere else where it will come.
So, sometimes, some people make a small mistake, and they apologise profusely for it. So, rather than expect, if we consider the overall balance, we will find that things even out in the long run. Some people may be very insensitive, uncaring, or desensitised.
Some other people, in some relationship, we invest a lot, and we get very little. In other relationships, we invest a little, but we get quite a lot. So, if that is happening, then it’s better that where somebody’s already giving us, there’s already something in that relationship, but we put more energy reciprocating in that.
So, in that way, it will balance out. But, if we expect that it balances out through that particular interaction itself, that is quite often an unrealistic explanation. Yes, Tulsi, I know that.
Very, very difficult. Except emotionally. Yeah, I agree.
So, if we find that, even if we intellectually understand that some landmine-like relationship is because of my past bad karma, but emotionally accepting it is very difficult. So, if somebody’s treating us like crap, then how do we just accept it and move on? It’s definitely very difficult, and more than the past, we can focus on the future. That means that Krishna can bring good out of the bad.
And if somebody is treating me inimically, is treating me hurtfully, then, rather than seeing that negatively as simply that other person is hurting me, and I just have to tolerate my past karma, we can see it positively as an opportunity to grow. Grow in tolerance. And not just tolerance, it’s more to grow in spiritual purposefulness.
I’ll give one example to explain this point. Suppose, there’s a cloth shop, a big stall where a lot of people come and there are attendants who show the clothes. Now, there are some customers who are extremely fastidious.
They will look at hundred dresses and they will not take even one dress. And when such a customer comes, all the attendants just go away from there. I don’t want to deal with this person.
Now, such a person who comes along and is a very difficult customer. Now, if a particular attendant deals with that customer, and after showing hundred clothes, the customer says, I don’t want it. He goes away.
The customer may feel, my time got wasted. All these clothes, I have to sort and put them back again. What a waste! But the customer thinks that actually, there are cameras here.
The boss is watching. And the boss also knows that this customer is a different person. So, and sometimes, the attendant who does not make any sale, still that attendant may get a raise, may get a promotion.
You are a good guy. You know how to deal with tough people. I will put you in charge of this.
So, the success or failure may not be defined by whether that particular sale happens or not. Success or failure can also be defined in terms of whether the boss is pleased or not. So, similarly, when we are dealing with difficult people, Krishna knows that the person is difficult.
That person may not be difficult in general, but even if that person, we find it very difficult to deal with that person. Krishna also knows that. He is in our heart.
He is in their heart. So, rather than seeing that this is simply, I have to endure my past karma, he said, actually, this is an opportunity for me to try to act in a way. So, now, pleasing Krishna may sometimes mean being assertive also.
Sometimes it may just be tolerating. But acceptance becomes much easier when it is for a higher purpose. If acceptance is simply because of helplessness, then nobody likes to feel helpless.
So, yes, we may sometimes be helpless, but even through that helplessness, we are growing. Krishna, when he talks about tolerance in the Bhagavad Gita, always he is talking in terms of at one level he is saying, Arjuna, tolerate. But he is also telling Krishna, Arjuna, fight the war.
So, there is tolerating our past karma and there is executing our present dharma. This is my duty, my dharma, my service. So, if my service requires tolerating this person, then it is not just exhausting my karma.
It is actually helping me grow towards Krishna. So, if I keep my eyes fixed on Krishna, how to please Krishna in this situation? And then, the difficult relationship may well be the way by which we make a lot of spiritual advancement. Materially, no result may come.
Or not much result may come. But we make a lot of spiritual advancement through that. So, if we see that landmine-like relationship, which is unavoidable as an opportunity for growth, not just an opportunity for exhausting past karma, then we can have a more positive motivation for moving onwards.
So, I think we are serving food here itself. So, you can all have food and if any of you have to leave, you can carry the food and leave. But otherwise, we can continue question-answers.
Yes, Kiran? That’s true. So, if somebody has hurt us, betrayed us, disappointed us, then we may forgive them, but we may find it difficult to trust others in future. Yeah, that is just normal human behaviour.
None of us want to be hurt. Say, as I give the example, if I went on the road and I experienced a very bad bump, then in future, I may tend to drive very slowly. Because I don’t want to be bumped like that.
So, that’s just normal human behaviour. It is actually foolish sometimes to rush into situations where we may get hurt again. So, there is one extreme is foolhardiness.
Where we just rush into situations which will hurt us. The middle balance position is caution. Where we wait, watch and then decide.
But the other extreme is indecision. Indecision or inaction. So, one is driving very fast.
The other is driving watchfully. The middle is driving watchfully. The third is driving too slowly, not driving at all.
So, sometimes when we have been hurt in a relationship, we may go to the other extreme. Where we may just become inaction or indecision. So, we may need time to heal.
And giving ourselves time to heal is natural. But what is unnatural is just holding on to the past. And seeing the whole present through the prism of the past.
The past has happened to us and that is one educational lesson that we have got. Which is important. But that doesn’t have to be the sole glasses or sole prism through which I see the present.
That is one way where I do look at the present through that. But I need to say, yes, it’s possible that this person may also be like that. But it’s also possible that they may not be.
So, if we see the past as a resource for the present. Not as the past as a controller of the present. Then, we will become cautious, but we will not become as we say, going to paralysis by analysis.
But when the past is still controlling us, then it becomes the sole filter through which we are looking at the present. Then it is a problem. So, usually if we grow spiritually, if we try to practise bhakti, try to connect with Krishna, then our consciousness also rises.
We come to a little bit to the mode of goodness, to calmness, and then we can evaluate more objectively. This is similar over here, but this is different. Otherwise, if I’m looking through the glass of the past, then I see it only in that colour.
I see even white as red. So, I’m looking through a red glass. But in the past, if I had no experience of red, I would not recognise red only.
So, I should be able to recognise red, but I should be able to recognise red when it is there. But I shouldn’t see red when it is not there. So, by calmly reflecting on the situation, now this is parallel, this is similar, but this is different.
We can arrive at a more educated, more informed understanding. So, caution is healthy, but paralysis is not. So, thank you very much for your attention and for your thoughtful questions.
Hare Krishna. Thank you so much for being here. So, just a couple of things.
Please take food in the bag. We have rice and vegetable curry and we have tea and lemonade.