Perfectionism is a serial killer in high heels

[Bhagavatam class at Bhakti Lounge, Wellington, New Zealand]

Video

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
So, today I will be speaking on the topic of perfectionism is a serial killer on high heels.
I mentioned that yesterday in Yudha Vikalpa. So, I will elaborate on that in three parts. Talk about how first perfectionism affects our relationships.
Second is perfectionism affects our services and perfectionism affects our consciousness. So, let’s begin with the context here. The Srimad Bhagavatam is being spoken and the sages have asked questions to Suta Goswami and they are now expecting answers from him.
And because Suta Goswami is in some ways younger to the sages, in some ways his birth is not as high, is not purely a brahminical birth. So, he might feel a little insecure. Yesterday was a question if some people are some more senior to us and we are given a particular service, how can we do that? So, they are assuring him that we, samachakshu, we feel that you can fully explain to us because you are expert, vacha, you know the subjects.
And interestingly they say anyatra, there’s something which you don’t know, but we don’t mind about it. So, Prabhupada explains that that the chanting of mantras in particular specific metres and that is more for the purpose of recitation than for exposition. Recitation is what we just repeat and exposition is for explanation, for communication.
So, we could say, and this is itself a big subject, but I’ll not go much into that, I’ll mention briefly, that some, the Vedic sounds, especially the Vedas, the more restrictive sounds of the Vedas, the Gveda, Samveda, there are some mantras which are given and those mantras are like formulas. Now, if you get the formula right, then even if somebody doesn’t understand the formula, somebody knows f is equal to mc square or e is equal to mc square, and then you just put the parameter of m, you put c, you’ll get the result. So, we don’t need to know what the equation is, but we just need, we don’t need to know what the equation means.
We just know the equation, apply it and get the result. And if you don’t get the equation right, the result will not come. So, on the other hand, so if you consider a formula, in the formula the essential point is the specific arrangement of the symbols, whereas in language also the specific arrangement of symbols is important.
But more important than that is the meaning that is conveyed. So, sometimes somebody might spell something wrong, but still the meaning might get conveyed, because the important thing is the meaning. So, with respect to the Puranas, the exact recitation according to particular metre is not important.
The Puranas are more for explanation of the truths. And those who are expert in explaining the particular subject may not be expert necessarily reciting everything perfect. And Suta Goswami falls in that category.
So, there is ritual specialisation. Oh, you have to do this ritual perfectly well. And there are priests who do that well.
And that’s nice if they can. But those who can, those who are priests who can do rituals well, they need not necessarily be very persuasive or inspiring speakers who can transform people’s hearts. So, they are saying that even if you can’t recite those mantras, that doesn’t matter.
We know that you know the essential message and you can answer our questions. So, the point here is that the Bhagavatam is not shy in admitting that Suta Goswami is also not perfect. The Jiva, we are all souls and we are finite beings.
And the very existential condition of being finite means that we are limited. And limited means that there are certain things which we can’t do. But every one of us has some or the other painful inadequacy.
There is something we want to do and not be able to do it. We feel I don’t look good enough, I can’t speak fluently enough, I can’t sing so well, I can’t manage so well, I can’t do this, I can’t do that. And just the very condition of being finite means that we all have some inadequacies.
And some inadequacies don’t matter, but some inadequacies matter quite a bit. They can be painful for us. But that’s just the nature of living condition.
So, God is infinite and in that sense God is perfect. So, perfection belongs only to God. Now, sometimes some souls may be able to do something which is so extraordinary that it mirrors perfection.
But that is sometimes. So, it’s not all the time. So, if somebody as exalted as Suta Goswami is not perfect in everything, then what about others? Actually, Prabhupada was asked by Jaya Dvait Maharaj once that, Prabhupada, if the spiritual master commits mistakes, then how do we understand? Prabhupada, the spiritual master cannot commit mistakes.
He says, no Prabhupada, but we actually see the spiritual master cannot commit mistakes. He says, no, but sometimes the spiritual master while quoting verses forgets a verse or quotes a verse wrongly. Prabhupada says, that is material vision.
Then Satsvarupa Maharaj is also there. Satsvarupa Maharaj asks, Prabhupada, you mean we have an incorrect conception of perfection? Satsvarupa Maharaj says, yes. The spiritual master’s perfection is that the spiritual master has a perfect intention to serve Krishna.
There is no ulterior motive. There is no desire for personal gratification over there. But the spiritual master is not all-knowing.
So, in that sense, say even somebody like Prabhupada, he would sometimes, his English might not be the best. Sometimes some verses he might not know. Prabhupada knew enormous amount of verses and there is no minimising him.
One of Prabhupada’s disciples says that, I was very impressed when I heard Prabhupada’s, how many verses from Sanskrit he knew. And then Prabhupada started cooking and he knew so many items of cooking also. Such a good cook, he said.
And Prabhupada’s knowledge of recipes was as vast as his knowledge of verses. So, Prabhupada was a remarkable person. But the fact is that the finite soul can never be perfect in everything.
So, now perfectionism is not the pursuit of perfection. It is the obsession with perfection. Now, whatever we do, we try to do it as well as we can.
So, certainly, if we are learning music, we are learning speaking, we are learning any particular skill, we want to do it as well as we can. But there is a pursuit of perfection and there is an obsession with perfection. So, when there is obsession with perfection, we just can’t stop.
And in one of my services is writing. So, in writing, there is an obstacle for writers. It is called the perpetual editing writer.
And the writer keeps editing, keeps editing, keeps editing forever and ever and ever. So, I was talking with a professional author and he told me that even the books which have say novels which have won Booker prize or Nobel prize or whatever it says, they are all ultimately just the last drafts of the manuscript seized from the hands of the author by the printer. They want to keep editing, keep editing.
It can be endless. So, we need to stop at a particular time. So, we might feel this is perfect.
But if an author, when an author reads their own writings, sometimes it is wonderful, but sometimes it is, how do I write that? It is so terrible. You feel embarrassed about what you have written. So, perfectionism, its pursuit is good, but obsession with it will not allow us to do anything.
So, I will talk about this since I am part of this. See, we all need some amount of creativity. So, I said I will talk about perfection in three things, in relationships, in our services, in our consciousness also.
So, in any service we are doing, there is abundant room for creativity. Even if it is something as simple as we might, not necessarily simple, we might be cooking, how to cook a particular item, we are decorating a particular room or the deities. There can be creativity in various fields.
But within all of us, there is a creative side and there is a critical side. So, the creative side is what comes up with ideas. Let us try this.
Let us try this. Let us try this. The critical side is what evaluates.
This does not make sense. This does not make sense. Now, ideally speaking, both are needed.
If there is only the creative side without the critical side, then there is a lot of quantity but no quality. Some people just keep speaking so much, especially now social media makes, internet has made publishing free. Anybody can publish anything.
Sometimes people just ramble for so long. What is the point? So, I think it was a British American, Samuel Butler, he said that I apologise for this long letter. I did not have the time to make it short.
So, you just keep rambling. So, the creative instinct will generate ideas. But the critical instinct is what evaluates.
So, if there is only creativity without criticality, there will be quantity but no quality. But if there is only the critical instinct without the creative instinct, then there will be in the pursuit of quality, there will be very little quantity because we evaluate. What about this? This does not work.
What about this? This does not work. What about this? This does not work. And the end result is nothing works.
So, many times, sometimes while writing, writers have what is called as a writer’s block. So, just nothing seems to be coming out. So, one reason why the writer’s block happens, something similar can happen to any creative in any field, is that they try to access the creative and the critical side simultaneously.
I get an idea and immediately I evaluate the idea. And I immediately evaluate the idea, what happens is, not good, not good, not good. So, one way to avoid this is to separate the two phases.
When you are creative, just get the thoughts out, get the ideas out. And then after that, you can edit them and make them again. So, it’s said that first get it out, then get it right.
So, if you try to get it right the first time itself, you will get nothing out. So, in creativity, we need a critical side. But if we want something to be perfect, it’s not going to be perfect for the first time.
And it may take a lot of iterations before it comes anywhere near perfection. So, when we are trying to do any service, if we think, I am going to do the service perfectly. If I do books, and I want to be the number one book distributor.
And if I can’t be the number one, I am not distributed. Who will notice me? Who will praise me? What is my standing if I am not number one? If you start thinking like that, then we will choke ourselves, not only check ourselves, but we’ll choke ourselves by that. So, in our services, often, we might have a particular expectation from ourselves, this is how I want to do it.
But we all operate within the constraints of time, constraint of resources, constraint of our own abilities. And if we start pursuing perfection, we may end up doing nothing. So, Prabhupada, when he started the Krishna Consciousness Movement, he started it with whatever resources he had.
He didn’t have any institutional support. He didn’t have any financial support. He did not have any assistance.
But whatever he got, he started with that. And the devotees who came to him were not trained in any way in public speaking or in organising. Many of them at that time were not just social misfits, they were social rejects.
From the Indian perspective, the Western culture itself is considered degraded. But the hippies were considered degraded even from Western standards. So, those were the people who came to Prabhupada.
And Prabhupada engaged them. He started with them and he engaged them and it was extraordinary what Prabhupada was able to do. So, one of Prabhupada’s god brothers said, he was quite senior and he was in his own way a great soul.
But somehow for him, like Prabhupada was, you could say, like a new boy on the deck. Because he had been a sanyasi for 20 years before Prabhupada was even started preaching. And then Prabhupada became so famous, he got disciples from all over the world.
So, when they came to Vrindavan at that time, Prabhupada brought two busloads of devotees from the Western world with him. It created a sensation. And for the Vrajvasis, it was like, they consider Bhaktivinand Swami to be the Swami from Vrindavan.
So, it’s like our hometown boy has become big now. That was their mood. And they wanted to felicitate Prabhupada.
And actually they invited this god brother who was also a prominent Gaudiya Vaishnava. And he made a, what you could say, a snide remark or it is damning by faint praise. Let’s say somebody offers you food and they offer you prasad and you ask, they ask, how was the prasad? It was edible.
So, it’s damning by faint praise. So, what he did was, he said, we were born in, it’s good that Bhaktivinand Swami has brought so many disciples from all over the world and so many people are now taking up Bhakti. He says, we were born in Brahmin families and we always lived pure life.
We only interacted with Brahmanas and other pure people. So, Bhaktivinand Swami in his previous life was a businessman. So, he interacted with various kinds of people in his business.
Thus, he was able to interact with these hippies also and it’s good that he has made them into devotees. So, he was minimising Prabhupada. It was not because of Prabhupada’s business experience, he was able to make people into devotees.
It was because of spiritual potency. So, if somebody thinks, I will contact with only pure people, well, then how are you going to fulfil the mission of making the impure pure? So, Prabhupada did not really wait for very qualified people to come to him so that he could start. Prabhupada started with whatever he had and the same applies to us also.
One definition we could say of surrender is that surrender means to do what we can with what we have now. Surrender means to do what we can with what we have and now. Do what we can with what we have now.
Maybe if I had more, I could have done much better. Maybe I had more time to prepare, I could have given a much better talk. But if this is the time we have, this is the time I have to speak it.
Surrender means do what we can with what we have now. And as we, if we compare with the total absence of Krishna consciousness in the world in many parts, then even a small attempt to share Krishna consciousness is worthy, it’s laudable. And that’s why we often choke ourselves because we either have a standard set in our own mind of how things should be or we might have a standard set by someone else.
This is how things need to be. If we can come up to it, that’s good. But if we can’t, still we do service according to our capacity.
Now, of course, there might be certain institutional standards to be maintained and there might be that, okay, somebody in the particular forum who can speak, there may be some selection for that who can speak. But that doesn’t mean others can’t speak informally. That doesn’t mean others can’t have their own group where they can’t speak.
We can create our own areas where we can do services according to our levels of competence. So perfectionism will stop us from doing services. And when we let ourselves stop, then we start feeling inferior, we start feeling insecure, we start feeling unworthy, and then we become disheartened.
So with respect to our services, perfectionism is required to unleash whatever ability we have, even if it is small, whatever energy we have, even if it is little, whatever maturity we have, even if it is fledgling, we start and gradually we will grow. So that was the first point about perfectionism is how it can choke us in our services. Any questions or comments? Okay, good question.
So how can we ensure that, say, if we are doing something, we are not lazy in the name, we want to be, don’t want to go for perfectionism, but the other extreme could be just become lazy. Yes, I think there are two broad ways to understand this. One is that at that time, we just do what we can.
But sometimes when we are doing something, we are in the, quite often, a bit in the mode of passion. So we can’t really think very clearly. But afterward, we can evaluate.
Oh, did I do that well enough? Maybe I could have done more. Because some, when we are, we can’t really think very deeply when we are in the heat of action. So we can try to be as thoughtful as possible, but just do what can be done at that time, and afterwards have some time to evaluate.
So okay, maybe I could have adjusted this a little bit and I could have cut down on that, I could have done more. But no, all that was mandatory. So I just had no options.
I did this. So some introspection afterwards about what we did, could call it more like retrospection, looking back, that helps in assessing whether we did our best in that situation. And that is one thing.
And second thing is, as they say, practise makes perfect. So if we are doing something regularly, then over a period of time, our capacity to do that should be improving. So A, if I do it, I have done something 10 times, and the 10th time I am doing it more lousily than when I did it in the first time, then that’s definitely indicating lethargy or apathy.
That’s not desirable. So at least some level of improvement should be there as we keep doing it. So I think while doing, it’s very difficult to evaluate.
But afterwards, after doing that particular thing, and after doing it several times, if you observe, then it’s relatively easier to understand. Make sense? Thank you. Any other questions? Yes.
Okay. If you have never done a service, and then we are told by senior to do it and do it perfectly. How do we do it at that time? It’s almost like saying, you’re perfectly free to speak your mind, as long as you agree with me.
It’s in some sense a little unreasonable. If we are asked to do it first time, we are told to do it perfectly, then we can, in a humble way, express our apprehension about it. I don’t, I’ve never done this before.
So can you give me some pointers, some guidelines? I’ll do my best. So generally speaking, the word perfectly is used in many different senses. So perfectly means it could be perfect in terms of the execution of how something is to be done.
Perfectly can mean perfectly in terms of our consciousness that we are doing it wholeheartedly. So it’s very difficult for us to do anything perfectly. So we can say that I don’t know this, I’ll try my best.
But if we express our apprehension, not in the sense of questioning them or rejecting that service, but just communicating. And sometimes they may just not know it. They may think that you already know about it.
And then if they don’t know about it, then it might not work out very well. So it’s best to tell. So if we tell, then I once was coming late for a programme and I was going to, I came for the programme and there was some devotee who was a very good singer.
And I asked him to sing this bhajan, Krishna Jin Ka Naam Hai. It’s a very sweet song, but it’s in Hindi. And he is a Bengali.
He can sing Bengali songs, but he just couldn’t sing Hindi. And he didn’t tell me. And he tried to sing.
And it was like, it is a sweet song. But it was almost like everybody was tolerating that song. So then afterwards, he himself came and told me, I’m sorry, actually, I can’t sing in the songs very well.
I said, you could have told that to me. I wouldn’t have pushed you to do like that. I apologise.
I didn’t know about that. So sometimes if we are asked to do something, they may just presume that we know about it, that we know about it, but we don’t. So just expressing our apprehension is good.
And then maybe you can ask that if I’m a little confused or lost, can I call you or contact you to get some pointers? So that way, we make our position clear and then do our best. So now, that was first point, perfectionism with respect to our services and the creativity within them. Second would be perfectionism with respect to relationships.
Sometimes it can work with equals, it can work with us juniors, it can work with seniors also. Sometimes, I was at an interfaith programme in Washington, D.C., and we were talking about this postmodern time. So there was a Christian pastor saying that he was on a radio show, and there was this one person who asked a question.
He said, I’m a Christian, but I don’t go to any church. So this pastor said, I gently asked him, why don’t you go to any church? I haven’t yet found any church that perfectly agrees with my philosophy. Now, we go to a spiritual place to learn, not that they should already be agreeing with us.
Some people think that I will not join a community unless it is perfect. People should be perfect. Well, in the material world, there’s no community that is perfect.
And if somehow we found a community that is perfect, we would not get admission there. Because we are not perfect. So therefore, all of us are finite, infallible beings, and we are just doing the best that we can.
And therefore, we will alienate ourselves from others, from even a spiritual community, if we start looking for perfection. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t try to develop culture and learn etiquette and speak nicely and behave properly. But it’s just that we can’t make that as an expectation based on which we will function.
So we are all imperfect. And with our imperfections, we bond and we move forward. And this can happen with somebody who is junior to us also.
Sometimes, if we are in a position of guiding or mentoring someone, then we may have such expectations. You should be able to do like this, like this, like this. All of us have a deep need to nurture.
And that’s just a normal, you could say, biopsychological need, which is there in everyone. And when people don’t fulfil that need, in the Western world, many times people decide that we will not have people, we don’t have kids. Then what happens? People who are not devotees, they get, they shower their, all their need to nurture, they shower it on a pet.
I was in LA, and I went for a walk in a park. And the whole park, they were, normally you think of a park, and there may be their mother or father and their kids playing in the park. This whole park, it is filled with dogs, not a single kid.
It is, and people just spend so much, so much energy. So I have, I backup my computer online on a service. So then that service send us a regular report about how they are doing.
So they said they had their, they had their like, some ways to scan what the data is inside. So they said 80% of the data that people upload on their online backup, it is photos of their pets, cats and dogs. So that need to nurture, it’s not gone away.
It’s okay, we don’t have kids, but they shower it all on children. So now, it’s a, it’s a, now somebody, if they have children, and that need to nurture is not directed or regulated properly, then what happened, you want your children to be perfect. And that’s good.
But sometimes that can lead to over expectation. Once there was a, this happens in India. And that, and in fact, it happens in China also, there is a, I was speaking on this topic in America, in America, and they said there is something, there’s a book written about Chinese mothers, it’s called Tiger Mom.
Tiger Mom is what? The mother is like a tiger, a tigress, expecting, do this, do this, do this. So once there was a court case between a mother and a father. And the part of the court case, the father said, I want my son to become an engineer.
And the mother said, I want my son to become a doctor. And they came to the court for that. And then the judge said, the judge said, why you come to the court, just ask your son what he wants.
Says, no, we can’t do that. Says, why not? The son is not yet born. So sometimes, now, as a parent just want their children to be like Xerox copies of their image of what the children should be.
And that same thing can happen in mentoring also. Now, when we are trying to train others, it is, we are not meant to shape others in, in our image of how they are meant to be. We are basically meant to help others to unfold themselves, help others to grow in a way that does justice to their own God-given talents.
So in the, so the point I’m making is, in relationships, if we are mentoring someone, the urge for perfectionism may make us put excessive pressure on the other person. Why are you not doing like this? Why are you not doing like this? Broadly speaking and interacting with people, there is a time when we need to give people space. And there is a time when we need to give people pace.
Pace means we need to push them. Come on, do it. You can.
You need to encourage them. We need to inspire them, maybe speak some either encouraging or strong words for pushing them. But there is a time and space is also needed.
So if we are, we are too perfectionist, you know, you should be like this, then people just feel choked. Ultimately, everybody has been given by Krishna an individuality and that individuality needs to be developed. The same way, with respect to our seniors also, we might have the obsession with perfectionism.
That means, we may expect our seniors to be perfect. And if they have some faults, then our image, we just can’t digest it. How can it be? So it’s like children, small children, when they’re newborn, for them, their parents are like gods.
The parents provide them everything, parents care in every way for them. And in a sense, the parents are perfect. But as the children grow up, then what happens, especially when they come into their teenage years, then the children start seeing all kinds of faults of the parents.
You’re too old fashioned, you’re like this, you’re like that, you’re like that. And then they just go to the area where they just feel, everything with my parents is wrong. But what happens as they grow older after that? Say, maybe at the age of 15, 16, 17, kids think that my parents are terrible, my parents are an embarrassment for me.
What kind of parents are they? They don’t do this, they don’t do that. But then, maybe 10 or 15 or 20 years down the line, when they themselves have children, and they realise how difficult parenting is, then what happens? Then they start appreciating all the parents have done for them. So what happens is, in general, I think there’s a joke by Mark Twain, he says that, when I was 15, my father was dumb.
Now I’m 30, and I’m amazed how much the old guy has learned in the last 15 years. So it’s not necessarily that the father has learned, it’s just that we have matured to appreciate what they have. So when we grow older, our appreciation of our parents become mature, they’re not perfect, but still they have done a lot for us.
So same way with respect to our mentors also. Initially, when we come to bhakti, we know nothing, and they know everything. So we think they’re perfect.
But then after we start practising bhakti for some time, we keep practising, we start thinking, no, this is not right, this is not right, this is not right. And then we go through a, we could say, a phase of adolescent rebellion against our mentors, this is not right, this is not right. But then gradually, as we keep growing, you know, they don’t have to be perfect, but still they are guiding me.
And that’s the mature way to move forward. So in our relationships also, Prabhupada, the letter of Prabhupada, where he says, some devotee complains to Prabhupada about the temple leaders or whatever. And Prabhupada says, don’t expect utopia in the material world.
Since we’re all finite beings, and we’re all trying to serve Krishna. So the point is that, if we expect too much in our relationships, again, we will end up alienating ourselves from others. So that was the second point about how perfectionism can hurt our relationships.
Now, when I said, the title is perfectionism is like a serial killer on high heels. Serial killer means one, two, three, just keeps killing, keeps killing. And so it can kill our relationships, it can kill our creativity.
And on high heels means, high heels is supposed to look very attractive. So what happens is perfectionism, it looks, actually, I’m doing very good. I am, I’m looking for the perfect.
But no, perfectionism is something which is not possible in the material world. Even with respect to relationships, choosing a partner. In the past, it was seen more like a marriage was seen more like an obligation.
Yes, that is something which we have to do. And that’s a part of our life journey. And of course, everybody wants happiness, nobody wants trouble from it.
But it was not so much primarily done for pleasure. It’s primarily done as an obligation, as a duty, and then pleasure if comes, it’s good. But now, marriage is seen not as an obligation, but as an option.
If it gives me pleasure, I’ll do it. And if it doesn’t, just forget it. So then when that happens, when often many times, because of various ideas, as when we come from the material world to this, from from the material society, the spiritual society, we might have changed our externals, but our basic mental patterns don’t change so easily.
So in the material world, people have the idea of, the romance is very big, and there are movies and novels and people have the idea, I want a perfect partner. And yes, it’s, there can be various degrees of incompatibility. But and some, some matches can be very incompatible.
But broadly, nobody in the world is perfect. So we have this romanticised idea. And then people because of that romanticised idea, they’re never satisfied in any relationship.
And that is very unhealthy. But when we come to bhakti also, what happens, that idea of excessive expectations is still there. I was in Texas, and there’s one boy who was talking with me, he is, he’s trying to get married and for last 11-12 years, he’s looking for a partner.
And he’s very well to do. He was from another graduation from our top college in India, working in one of the top multinational companies in the world. And still he was not getting married.
So then I asked his counsellor, what’s the problem? So he was telling, he was expressing his concern to me. And then I asked his counsellor, his counsellor said that he wants a partner who has the devotion of a devahuti and the beauty of a Miss Universe. So now that kind of combination you’re not going to find in the material world.
So when we have too much expectations, then we either we don’t move forward in a relationship, or we always stay dissatisfied in the relationship. So relationships can be ruined if we have too much obsession with perfection. My second point, I’ll conclude the third point also, then we can have some brief questions.
Third point of it, perfectionism and our own consciousness. It can adversely affect ourselves. There is, for all of us, yesterday I mentioned this briefly that we need to accept our weaknesses, but we also need to accept ourselves with our weaknesses.
So not accepting our weaknesses leads to arrogance. I pretend that I am better than what I am. And that is unhealthy.
But once I notice that I have weaknesses, and I don’t like, why should I, why can’t I do this? Why can’t I do this? And some people are not able to accept themselves because of their weakness. How can I be like this? How can I not be able to do this? And then that leads to the other extreme. One extreme is self-obsession in terms of narcissism, where people think I am so good and I am so great.
But the other is self-loathing and self-hatred. I am worthless, I am useless, I am so bad. And that is extremely unhealthy.
And this can especially happen in people who are trying to live a moral life or in religious organisations with high standards of morality. Because what happens is that we have particular standards which we are meant to follow. And all of us at times fall short of those standards.
And we start falling short of that, we may start beating ourselves. I am worthless, I am fallen, I am useless. Now, humility, beating ourselves up is not humility.
Beating ourselves up is actually, it’s a psychosis. Humility means, essentially, humility means that we don’t let our ego come in the way of our purpose. We have to do some service.
And whether we are respected or not, we don’t bother, we keep doing our service. The essence of humility is lack of self-absorption. It’s that my life is about something bigger than me.
Now, my life is about Krishna and service to Krishna and service to those who are serving Krishna. So, let me serve them as well as I can. But self-absorption can come in two ways, about how great I am and how greatly fallen I am.
Now, both are self-absorption and both are actually lacking in humility. So, what happens when we keep beating ourselves up? We are still self-obsessed, we are still self-absorbed. And ultimately, like I mentioned, we are the only resource we have.
So, if we start beating ourselves up, it’s like, say, I have a car and the car is not, it doesn’t drive very fast, it makes a lot of noise, it consumes, it guzzles a lot of fuel. And then I get so angry with that car that I take a boulder and throw it on the car. Then I’ll have nothing to go about.
So, like that, we might hurt ourselves by self-deprecation, beating ourselves up. So, perfectionism, even with respect to moral standards or service standards or whatever, I mean, earlier I was talking about service. Now, when I’m talking about consciousness, it’s in terms of more of moral standards.
We want to follow our standards, but if we can’t, there’s no need to beat ourselves up with it. Okay, this is what I can do. Let me do this and move on in my life.
B, when we learn to accept ourselves, the self-acceptance is not necessarily mean this is how I am and this is how I’m going to stay. There are some self-help books which talk about self-acceptance and that means they say that the way you are, you are perfect. Well, that is, that is very unhealthy to say.
Why? Because none of us is perfect. What to speak of perfect? Very few of us are anywhere near our God-given potential. So, all of us could be doing so much more, all of us could be doing so much better than what we are right now.
So, self-acceptance is not saying that the way I am, everything is okay. But self-acceptance essentially means that the way I am, Krishna accepts me the way I am and I accept myself and of course I want to transform myself. So, we have, we have faith in our capacity to become better than what we are right now.
But if we are so much beating ourselves about how we are right now, then we are not even, not really dedicating much energy to try to improve ourselves. So, we all can and should improve. But self-acceptance is the basis of self-transformation.
It’s like say if we are driving a car and we took a wrong turn and went somewhere now and we went away from our destination. If I just keep beating, why did I take that wrong turn? Why did I take that wrong turn? That’s no use. Okay, you took the wrong turn, now find out how from here we can go to the destination.
So, self-acceptance means simply accepting where I am right now. It may be not a good place where I am, but that doesn’t matter so much. Okay, this is where I am, from here I will move forward.
So, a perfectionism with respect to ourselves will make us start loathing ourselves and when we loathe ourselves, when we dislike ourselves, when we hate ourselves, then so much of our energy is going in that negative attitude towards ourselves that very little energy is left to transform ourselves. So, we accept ourselves, not that I am great, but okay, this is what I am and from here, let me move forward. Krishna’s love for us is not based on who we are.
Krishna’s love for us is based on who He is. He is the all-loving Lord of everyone and we say Krishna is Bhakta Vatsala, He is the lover of His devotees. But Krishna is also, in the 7th canto of Srimad Bhagavatam it is said, He is Krupana Vatsala.
He is also the lover, the protector of those who are miserly, of those who are materially minded, those who are self-centred also. So, we give up this idea of perfectionism, obsession with perfection, even with respect to ourselves. The way I am, I accept myself and I will take incremental steps to improve.
So, that way, our own energy won’t get dissipated in disliking ourselves. We don’t want to promote ourselves, we don’t want to demote ourselves. We want to be where I am, I accept and I move forward from there.
So, that way, perfectionism, when we give up with respect to ourselves, we will find that so much of our energy will be unleashed for us to bring out our God-given potential and become much better than what we are. Perfection is like in Maths, we are towards the limit of 1. We may never attain that 1, we may never attain perfection, but we all can improve. And when we try to improve, especially when we try with Krishna’s grace and for Krishna’s purpose, then Krishna can do things through us that we will be amazed.
We will be amazed at what we are able to do or rather what Krishna does through us and that makes our life into an adventure. When we accept ourselves and we let Krishna act through us. Krishna, I want to serve you, please engage me in your service.
Then Krishna can do extraordinary things through us. Just as Suta Goswami in the future verses will offer prayers to his guru, Sukadeva Goswami. He will offer prayers to Krishna and he says, please bless me so that I can speak.
And Suta Goswami speaks this wonderful Srimad Bhagavatam. Of course, we are nowhere next to Suta Goswami, but Krishna is the same. Krishna is wonderful and Krishna can do wonderful things even through us.
So, I’ll summarise. I spoke on the topic of how perfectionism is a serial killer on high heels. I started by talking about how Suta Goswami is the speaker of this Bhagavatam to the sages of Naimisharanya and even he doesn’t know specific chanting of particular mantras.
So, the Vedic mantras are more like formulae and somebody might be able to operate the formula well, but they may not know the subject well. So, that’s how the priests are, but this Parivrajikacharya, Suta Goswami is one of them. He knows the subject well and he can explain it very well.
So, despite his limitation, he is being affirmed. We know that you can answer the question. So, the Bhagavatam is not shy about revealing the limitations or deficiencies or imperfections of even its central character, central speakers.
So, we too needn’t be paranoid about perfection, about lack of perfection. So, I talked about the pursuit of perfection is good, but obsession with perfection is unhealthy. That is perfectionism.
And then talked about perfectionism, how it can affect us in our services. It can choke our creativity. We have a creative side and a critical side.
And if creative side becomes too strong, then there is quantity without quality. Critical side becomes too strong, then there is very little quantity because we are obsessed with quality. So, it’s best to separate the two in the creative process.
First, get the idea, get it out and then get it right. So, all of us being finite beings, none of us will be perfect. Vinashila Prabhupada said perfection is not that even the spiritual master will not make any mistakes.
Rather, the spiritual master has no ulterior motive apart from the motive of serving and glorifying Krishna. And that is the perfection of the soul. So, for us, whatever abilities we have, we just do the services as well as we can.
Surrender means to do what we can with what we have now. And that way when we keep, gradually we’ll keep improving. When I talk about perfectionism with respect to relationships, with respect to our equals, if we think I want a perfect community, we will never find one.
Because then, we talked about with our juniors, if we try to make, mould them in our image, like parents trying to cater to their need of nurturing by moulding their kids to their image, kids will feel too much pressure. They also need space. So, mentoring is not about making people in our image.
It is about helping them become who they are meant to be. So, they don’t have to be perfect in our way. Similarly, with respect to our seniors or our parents, initially kids think parents are perfect, then they think they are just completely terrible.
And then they understand, yes, they may be imperfect, but still they have done so much for me. So, same way, we might also go through various phases in our relationship with our seniors. Initially, very wonderful, initially so many problems, but then afterwards, we are grateful for what they have done in spite of whatever limitations they have.
And then even with respect to the search for a partner, if we try to be perfectionist in that, then we will end up lonely and judgemental and will be always dissatisfied. And then I talked about perfectionism with respect to ourselves. If we have certain moral standards which we are aspiring for, and if we are not able to achieve, we don’t have to beat ourselves down because of that.
We have to accept ourselves, accept our weaknesses and accept ourselves with our weaknesses. So, humility is not beating ourselves down. Humility is not letting our ego come in the way of our purpose.
Humility means, I am not so important that I have to keep thinking about myself, either how good I am or how bad I am. That my life is about something bigger than me. It is about Krishna and His service.
And however I am, let me engage in Krishna’s service. Krishna’s love for us is based not on who we are, but on who He is. He is the all loving Lord of everyone.
And self-acceptance doesn’t mean that we think I am perfect the way I am. It means that the way I am, Krishna accepts me and the way I am, I have the potential to improve from here. So, when we accept ourselves, and stop hating ourselves or loathing ourselves because of our moral inadequacies or whatever inadequacies, then much of our mental energy will be freed towards self-improvement.
And especially if we are doing that for Krishna’s cause and with Krishna’s grace, then we will be amazed at how wonderfully Krishna can act through us and transform our life into a glorious adventure of service. Thank you very much. Hare Krishna.
Do we have time for questions? Any questions? Yes. So, if certain services like deity worship require high standards and things go wrong over there, say children mess up with the Shaligram Sheela or whatever, then what to do? There are standards and then if we are seeking certain standards, then we need to create the facilities for honouring those standards. If we can’t, then there is no need for us to maybe have Shaligram Sheela.
Krishna can be worshipped in any way, but Shaligram Sheela has a particular standard. So, we have to be realistic about our capacities also. In Mumbai, we have a temple which is in a very elite, expensive part of Mumbai, the Radha Gopinath temple.
And many devotees stay very far away and they have to travel to come to the temple. So, all these devotees said that, once a devotee said that, you know, I want a house right next to the temple so that I can come regularly for the temple programme. So, he took a, but it’s very expensive.
So, he took a big loan and he got a house and he got that facility. But then what happened? Because of that mortgage which he had to pay, he had to take an extra job. And then he ended up, when he was away from the temple, he could have spent more time in the temple.
Now, he was close to the temple, but he couldn’t spend any time in the temple. So, we need to be realistic. So, if certain services require certain standards, then better not take up that service.
And especially Shaligram Shila, it’s completely voluntary. It’s not that we have to have Shaligram Shila. So, now, if that has already happened and it’s problematic, it’s best that maybe we talk with our community leader or somebody who is well-versed in Pujari services and explain the situation and see what can be done about it.
So, perfectionism also means that, not that, oh, I’m not perfect, so I’ll just do the service the way I’m doing and everybody has to accept that. No, sometimes it means that I can’t do this service. If somebody is not a very good speaker and if there is a forum where new people are coming and we need the best person to speak and somebody says, I’m not a good speaker, but I’m going to speak.
Well, no, that’s not. In certain services, certain standards are required and if they’re not there, then it will be a problem. So, then it’s best that we select our services so that they’re compatible with our resources, our abilities, our facilities.
But if somebody told us that you have to do the service, then we do it as well as we can. It might be poor, but then what can we do? But we don’t choose a service which we consciously know that we don’t have the resources to do it without at least acknowledging that to ourselves and telling it to somebody else so that they’re aware of the situation and then there’s no alternative, then that’s what we just do the best that we can. What is your question? Oh, okay.
How can, if Krishna has given us the ability, how can we be free from the insecurity that Krishna may take away the ability? Krishna is our well-wisher and Krishna may subject us to tests, but he doesn’t subject us to tests that are beyond our capacity to pass. They may appear beyond our capacity to pass, but they are not actually like that. If we feel, oh, this is too difficult a test for me, I can’t do it.
But when we come to that test, Krishna will give us the ability. We have to strive for it, we’ll get it. So I think the idea that our abilities are gifts from Krishna, that is, it is good to keep us, to remind us they’re not my abilities and to keep us humble.
But if that same thing starts leading to insecurity, then we are just, I’d say that’s more a matter of overthinking or misapplying the philosophy. I was choosing between two topics, which topic to speak on today. Another topic I was going to speak on today was the danger of speaking the right thing at the wrong time.
So similarly, yes, Krishna can take away everything from us. And there is an example of how Krishna took away Arjuna’s ability also in the first Kanta of the Srimad Bhagavatam. But Krishna had a purpose over there.
And although Arjuna was traumatised for some time, but then he realised that purpose and then he became closer to Krishna by remembering Krishna’s voice. So if ultimately Krishna is our well-wisher and Krishna wants us to grow. So if he has given us some abilities, we just use them as long as we can, as well as we can.
And if tomorrow it’s taken away, then Krishna will give us something else by which we can continue serving him. So for us, service is important and service attitude is also important. The success of a service is not just that the service is done well and maybe people appreciate us or praise us.
The success of a service is that our desire for serving Krishna increases. And desire for serving Krishna, initially for us how it is, that we have a particular ability and that’s how we want to serve Krishna. And that’s good, at least that’s the way we want to serve Krishna.
If somebody likes to sing, they’ll come and sing. I was at a Western Outreach Centre in America. There’s a whole group of people who came for Kirtan and after Kirtan class was there and everybody got up and went.
Not everybody, almost like 80%. So they come only for Kirtan. At least they’re coming for Kirtan, that’s good.
So what happens, we say that one principle in bhakti is, somehow or other fix the mind on Krishna. Now what does somehow or the other mean? That means there might be one thing which we like about Krishna bhakti and that’s all we want to do. It’s good that we are wanting to do at least that much.
So in a sense, initially our relationship with Krishna might be restricted only to the ability that we have. This is what I am good at, this is what I like to do, this is what I will do. But gradually by doing that for Krishna, our relationship with Krishna will develop.
And as the relationship with Krishna will develop, gradually we will start getting taste for connecting with Krishna through other things also. So if Krishna takes away one connection, he will give us some other connection. So if we are thinking this ability is for me to make my mark on the world, then what will happen is, if my ability is taken away, I have nothing to mark the world with.
Then I will feel powerless. But if I think this ability is meant for me to serve Krishna, then if Krishna takes away this ability, it is he who has brought me to his lotus feet. It is.
Most of, some of Shila Prabhupada disciples went out searching for God and that’s how they found Krishna Consciousness. But for most of us, at least I didn’t go searching out for God. It is God’s devotees came out searching for me.
Isn’t it? And if we are honest with ourselves, we are practising Krishna Bhakti not because of ourselves, we are practising it in spite of ourselves. Now we have so many conditionings, we are so half-hearted, we are so lethargic. So even without our very deep strong desire for getting us to Krishna, for coming to Krishna, Krishna has brought us here.
Krishna has brought us so far. We could say that if we consider material existence to be like a marathon, we are now in the final lap of that marathon. This human life and human life in the association of devotees, human life with the devotees, with active practise of Krishna Consciousness.
We are so close to spiritual perfection and Krishna, if Krishna has brought us so far, he will not abandon us now and leave us entirely desolate. He will take us along the way and if he takes some resources away, he will give us something else. So that, it is not, it doesn’t require a lot of faith, it just requires some thoughtfulness because what have we really done so much to come to Krishna’s lotus feet.
If we have not done much, then who has brought us? It is devotees and devotees are inspired by Krishna in their heart. So it is Krishna who has brought us so far, he will surely take us all the way ahead. So we don’t have to worry so much about the future.
It said for a devotee, the future is always bright. It’s just that we have to brighten our present. Do the best we can in the present to serve Krishna and Krishna will take care of the rest.
He will take care of the future. Thank you very much.