Sensitivity in relationships 2 – From judgment to encouragement

[Seminar at ISKCON, London, UK]

Video:

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Hare Krishna. Thank you for coming today evening and we’ll continue on the discussion of sensitivity in relationships. I’ll do a brief recap of what we discussed yesterday.
I spoke about why sensitivity is important. Because relationships are what cause enormous distress in today’s world. People fear rejection and people often come to spirituality because they want a sense of community and belonging.
And if they find supportive, encouraging relationships in spiritual life that enables them not only to get attracted but to continue. But if the relationships in spiritual life tend to become judgemental or harsh, then that disheartens people. And normally at a physical level, if somebody has some limitation, we adapt ourselves.
Somebody can’t hear, we’ll speak loudly. Somebody can’t tolerate loud noise, we’ll speak softly. But these physical needs or limitations we understand easily.
But the emotional limitations or needs often we downplay or neglect them. But they are also as real as physical. And on the other hand, in spiritual life often we hurt each other by being judgemental.
Because we feel we have spiritual knowledge, we have the knowledge of right or wrong and therefore that gives us the right to tell people what is right and what is wrong. And based on that we just let people give them judgemental words without considering the effect. So I talked about how right and wrong is not just categorical, it is also contextual.
You know, from what background a person is coming, what situation a person is, because of that they may be doing certain things. And if we not know those things, then we will unnecessarily hurt them. So we judge ourselves by our intentions, even if our actions are wrong.
We just want to help that person. But we may be speaking harsh words and we judge others by their actions, not their intentions. So because of that, if you have a negative attitude towards a person, then automatically if it is some behaviour, we ascribe some motivation or some intention to them, which will be negative.
And in that way we justify whatever harsh words we may be speaking. And if we learn to be sensitive, then we will avoid speaking such words. Humility means to acknowledge the complexity of reality and therefore to not just based on our limited frame of reference to pass comments.
And in this way we can minimise the hurt among people. So today I’ll speak on the topic of how sensitivity can be applied without degenerating into sentimentality. Sentimentality means that, oh, no, this will make this person feel bad.
We just driven only by feelings. Sentimentality means that sentiments are made into all important. And there is no parameter for discerning things apart from sentiments.
When that happens, then people just don’t have any objective standards left. There is no opportunity to rise upwards. So, for example, sentimentality would mean that how we would never be sentimental.
Say a child is peering down a window. A child is enjoying that. And the child may fall out of a window and it’s a steep fall.
Hey, stop that. The mother will shout at the child, yell at the child, catch the child. Stop that.
Now, in this case, the child may feel, why did you stop me? I was enjoying. But what enjoying? That enjoyment is very risky. You may fall down.
So here, even when the child may feel angry, still will speak strongly. Because the child doesn’t right now have the intelligence to understand how dangerous it can be. And we have.
And when somebody is in a natural position of authority such as a mother and someone else, maybe this can be kept on top so that somebody can sit here. Can you keep this on top or keep it somewhere behind? So when we are in such a position of natural authority, say a mother and a child, then speaking something like this becomes easy. But there are other times, and in such a situation, explain to the child why it is dangerous and also not difficult.
If you fall down, the child may have experience falling down from a bed. And even that hurts. From a small bed, just simply when they are walking, they fall down, it hurts.
Fall down from this great height, it hurts so much. So there, both the mother has the authority and the consequence of that action is also very easy to explain. But in many situations, even when someone, something is not the best, not the right thing to do, the best thing to do, it may not be so easily apparent to the other person what is wrong with that course of action.
And when that happens, when it’s not apparent, then people, if you try to correct them, they may just not, why are you doing this? That’s just your opinion. You think that is wrong, I think it is right. So then this will lead to relativism.
Now relativism is the idea that everything is relative. And when applied in the realm of morality, it is called as moral relativism. That means that if you think it is right, it is right for you.
If I think it is right, it is right for me. Don’t impose your morality on me. People say that.
So I was just a couple of months ago in America, Silicon Valley, I was giving a talk in Amazon. So there the same issue came up. And then I was talking about moral relativism.
And then I asked, well, one of the questions, one of the person raised a question about moral relativism. So I asked them that right now, is there anyone in the world who is doing something that you think is wrong? He said, of course. He says, you know, there are, there are terrorists who are killing innocent people.
There are child abusers who are abusing children. They are obviously doing wrong things. But they don’t think they are doing wrong.
The terrorists are convinced that they are saving the world from the infidels. The child abusers think, is there a right to enjoy? So if somebody feels that it is right, then does it make it right? Since nobody lives fully according to moral relativism. Now what is right and what is wrong may vary from person to person.
But the fact that there is something right and something wrong, that is universal. And we all have this sense. Let’s say, suppose I am walking along the road, I just, I walk with crutches.
So by accident if my crutches, instead of putting on the ground, I put them on somebody’s foot. As they feel a little pain, I just move my crutches. I am sorry, I say.
Now I can very well justify, I didn’t see you, that’s why I put the leg over there. But both agree, it is the wrong thing for me to do. I may give an explanation, but an explanation is not an excuse.
I’ll apologise over there. So now we all have a sense that some things are right, some things are wrong. Now where does this sense come from? The specific things that may be right or wrong will vary.
But there is objective morality in the sense that the principle that there are right things and wrong things, that is universal. The specifics of what is right and what is wrong may vary. Yesterday I talked about categorical morality.
This is right, this is wrong, this is a category of right, this is a category of wrong. This may vary from person to person or from culture to culture. But the fact that there is the category of right and the category of wrong, that is universal.
Even in something as simple as, say, language, certain usages, they are not proper. So certain words, they have a very strong judgemental or pejorative connotation. So you don’t use those words.
So people from Africa, earlier they were referred to as Negroes. Now nobody refers to that way. It’s considered a very judgemental form of word.
In America, we don’t even refer to them as black. We refer to them as African Americans. These are considered very judgemental words.
So even in something as language and the use of words, there are words that are right and wrong. So the category of right and wrong is always there. What falls in which category may vary from place to place.
So in America, to use the word black, to refer to somebody as black, why are you labelling people based on the colour of their skin? That’s what they say. But it seems here in England, black is quite acceptable. I was at a school and they said, you know, famous black leaders of the world.
So it may vary what specifically is considered right or wrong. But the principle that is right and wrong is universal. So after I spoke, one of the Amazon executives was there, the middle-rung executive.
So he came and said that, you know, we also accept this principle that there is right and wrong. So they, that we, they sell clothes and they have apparel and the whole section of apparel. When they sell clothes, they show people wearing those clothes.
So for men, for women, they show women wearing those clothes. But they say when it comes to children, say girls who are underage, we don’t show them wearing those clothes. We just show the clothes.
Because we don’t want in any way to incite paedophilia. Now, that means even a company which is out there for commercial purposes, they also have certain idea, this is right, this is wrong. And they will not do that is wrong.
So the point which I am stating is that being sensitive doesn’t mean being sentimental. Everything is determined by feelings. There are times when certain things are right and certain things are wrong and they have to be communicated appropriately.
And that is in fact a major part of spiritual education. Tasmād śāstraṁ brahmāṇam te kārya akārya vyavasthitaṁ jñātvā śāstra-vidhānoktaṁ karmakartumaha eha rasi. In 16.24 in the Bhagavad Gita, when Krishna concludes the chapter of divine and demoniac natures, at that time he says, we all should know from śāstra what is to be done and what is not to be done.
And then mould our actions accordingly. So this is one primary purpose of spiritual education. So if we are going to live according to scripture and we are going to share a scripture, then we do have to tell that some things are right and some things are wrong and why they are so.
So generally speaking, A, this is one part that we have to, we are not being sentimental over here. In the name of being sensitive. Sensitive means that we don’t cause unnecessary pain.
Like yesterday I gave the example that my hand had so many pricks because of taking injection. So the nurse was trying to find out which place she could prick without having to cause, to aggravate existing wound. So now if she says, oh no, there are so many pricks over here, I’ll not take the blood sample only.
Then how will that be tested? So being sentimental means that the supreme virtue being become not causing hurt to anyone. Sometimes hurt needs to be caused to promote a higher healing. So ultimately, of course, sarve jana sukhina bhavantu.
The Vedic aphorism is, I’ll let everybody be happy. But how will everybody be happy? There is to be a process to be followed for that. Somebody is a drunkard and they think that the more I drink, the happier I will be.
Now that is not the kind of happiness that is desirable, that is highly counterproductive. So some things have to be pointed out. This is right and this is wrong.
And when we do this, it is in this context that the example of the surgeon is used. The surgeon is one who cuts to heal. Surgeon often wounds to heal wounds.
So there is cutting of the body which is painful, which causes wounds and that wound is meant to heal. So similarly, there are times in our relationships when we may have to tell, okay, this is wrong. If you continue doing this, it’s going to have a terrible result.
And if we at that time become too sentimental, how can I speak this, what will that person feel? No, if you don’t tell them, then eventually the result is going to be that they’ll meet with disaster. Say, if somebody is drunk and they’re driving a car. You’re drunk, now don’t drive.
No, no, I’m not drunk, I’m going to drive. It’s sometimes we’re a little drunk and at that time we understand we’re drunk. Sometimes we’re so drunk that we don’t even understand we’re drunk.
So at that time people may not even stop, but somebody else has to stop them. Otherwise they may injure themselves, they may kill someone, they may even kill themselves by driving intoxicated. Or otherwise, at the very least, they will get a ticket, they will lose their licence.
So there are times when even if people feel bad, we have to tell certain things. So just as a surgeon cuts to heal, sometimes as a part of our service to others, we may have to speak cutting words. Generally in scriptures when this example is used, it is talked for very exalted devotees, speaking to new people who have some attachments, who are not just attachments but misconceptions.
Attachment means we are very strongly fixated in something. Misconception means we think that that is the source of pleasure. And giving it up is unbearable, is even unthinkable.
So alcoholics think that without alcohol I can’t live, I can’t live. Actually it is because of alcohol they can’t live properly. But the attachment has also created within them a misconception.
And that misconception makes them more and more fixated to that attachment. So attachment causes misconception and misconception aggravates the attachment. And that way it goes on in the vicious circle.
So at that time the misconception has to be challenged and countered. So there are examples in scripture, say in the 6th canto of Srimad Bhagavatam, there is Maharaj Chitraketu. He is grieving terribly over the loss of his child.
And at that time, there is a time and a place for grieving. Grieving is a natural necessary requirement for healing of emotions. It’s like if I am physically wounded, then if my hand is fractured, I can’t be expected to immediately resume normal activity.
I need some time for the hand to heal, then I can resume normal activity, say lifting weights or something like that. Similarly, if we lose a loved one, there will be a time for grieving. It’s an emotional wound which we have sustained and we need to give time for emotional healing.
And then we will be able to resume normal activities. So when Maharaj Pandu, when Maharaj Dashrath passes away in Ayodhya, they have a statewide period of mourning because of his death. And all the citizens and especially the family members of Maharaj Dashrath, they grieve.
So in the Pandavas, they grieve after the Kurukshetra war. Consider how many of their loved ones have fallen in that war. So grieving is natural.
But grieving has to be for a finite period so that it promotes healing. With respect to physical wound, even if my hand is recovered, still I refuse to do any activity. Then I become like a hypochondriac, a person who pretends to be sick just so that they can get sympathy and attention and they don’t do anything in life.
So we don’t want to be like that with respect to our emotional healing. So we need time for grieving. But afterwards we have to grow through the grieving.
But then if we stay stuck in that, then at that time the sages, Narguni and Paratmuni come and they tell, why are you so attached? You understand that you are a soul. This child was a soul. You came together for a finite period and now you’re separated.
You have your journey. That soul has the journey. So speak strongly over there to help him, to enlighten him.
And it has a desired result. He gains perspective. So sometimes strong words have to be spoken.
Nitrashtra is very attached. Vidura comes and speaks strong words. Why are you living like a household dog eating the food that is thrown by Bhima? How? To speak like that to someone, how can you speak that? But that is the word that Nitrashtra needed to hear.
So the renunciation awakened within him. So it’s required at times. But it’s significant that Vidura did not speak these words earlier.
Vidura and Nitrashtra interacted so many times in the Mahabharata, he did not speak them earlier. The time and a place to speak this. So in our relationships also, sometimes we may have to tell another person that what they are doing is wrong.
Or even what they are not doing is wrong. That at least it’s hurting us and they need to take that into account. And sometimes it’s wrong, we have to tell them it is wrong.
So that is the time when, say our seniors may tell us that we are doing something wrong or if we are in a guiding position to others, we may have to tell. But even that has to be done very sensitively. So sensitively means, let’s look at the surgeon metaphor now.
A little bit more. A surgery is hardly ever the first course of action. It’s not that as soon as you come into the hospital, the surgeon is standing there with a knife, you know, cut you up.
It is not like that. It’s first you come in and various other treatments are tried. When nothing works, then surgery is done.
And surgery is also practically never done except in emergencies without consent. One of my friends, a devotee, is a doctor. So he is a surgeon actually.
So he was doing surgery and I was with him, talking with him and he is about to go for surgery and that day the patient came and treated for the surgery. He said that, you know, he said, doctor, you have to give me an assurance that I’ll be alright. Only then I’ll do the surgery.
Doctor said, you know, I cannot give you an assurance. We will do our best. But nobody can give you an assurance that you’ll be alright.
What to speak of giving assurance? After the surgery when you’re going back home, on the road something will happen. Can the government give an assurance that nothing will happen? We will do our best. In fact, surgeons, they actually often ask for a disclaimer that if something goes wrong beyond our human control, then we are not responsible.
And unless the patient signs that, the surgeon won’t do the surgery. If the patient is not in the condition, the relative has to sign that. So the point is surgery is usually never done without consent.
The patient voluntarily recognises that I am in a sick condition and I need treatment and this surgeon is competent enough to treat me. Therefore, I entrust myself to the surgeon. And even after that, still surgery is not just the first thing that is done.
Before that, there is anaesthesia that is given by which the person doesn’t feel the pain. Once my leg was fractured, I had to do some surgery. And normally for that surgery, they would give full body anaesthesia.
So the person goes unconscious. But I had some heart issues because of which I could not give full body anaesthesia. So then they gave me anaesthesia below the waist.
So then at that time, I was conscious and I was awake. And it was practically like they were doing the surgery. It was all the sounds which you might hear at a construction site.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Even after the treatment is done, when the surgery is done, after that the patient is given pain medication to help deal with the pain. So surgery is not a casual thing. Similarly, when there are times when we have to speak strongly to someone, that is like doing surgery.
And first of all, the surgery should never be the first course of treatment. Something is going wrong, we just explode at them. Judgementally, you know, this is wrong, you are terrible, this, this, this.
And even if we have been accepted as a spiritual guide, it is not that with respect to physical disease, people understand that they are sick. With respect to spirituality, it is not so easy to understand that we are sick. Even if you understand, yes, I want to attain love for Krishna, I want to grow spiritually, but still the idea that I am sick is not so easy to understand or to accept.
So unless somebody accepts somebody as a spiritual authority, it is not, it is not right to pass judgemental words to them. Because they will just go away. People are practising spirituality voluntarily and they will just go away.
So one of the, I was at an interfaith conference in America. So there, they had, one of the Catholic, one of the churches, they had done, or many churches together had done an extensive survey of why people leave the church. There are many people who say that they are, they believe in Jesus, but they don’t go to any church.
So why is that? So one of the main reasons they found was, they said that we just didn’t like, we just found that the people in the church were too judgemental. That they would just criticise us, hurt us, make us feel bad. So I was in Texas, so I saw one slogan.
People put something on the car bumpers. The slogan was, Oh God, please save me from your preachers. Normally God saves us through his preachers.
His preachers tell us, you know, what we are meant to do, what life is meant for, how we are to develop love for God. But if the preachers become judgemental, Oh God, please save me from them. That’s the attitude that happens.
So if people become alienated by the way those who are representing God talk, then they just go away. I was in Jagannath Puri, I was in NIT in Bhubaneswar, which is close to Jagannath Puri. So I was giving a talk over there.
A lot of, over a thousand students were there. And then after that, many of them came and talked with me. And many of them, they are from Orissa, part of India, which is quite pious.
They were asking that, that if we go to Jagannath Puri, then there, there are the Pandas and right from the moment we enter, they are asking money, money, money, money. And they are almost forcing to take money from us. On the other hand, he says, several of them said, there is a lot of Christian missionary work also going on in that part of the world.
Of course, all of India it is going on. But if you go to Christian church, the preachers over there, they talk so nicely with us. They sit and talk, they don’t expect anything from us.
Just tell us, they tell us about reaching the Bible, they answer our questions. So he says that, why is it that Hindu teachers, Hindu priests seem to be so ill-behaved and Christian preachers, Christian priests seem to be so well-behaved? So I answered elaborately. The main thing is that actually in India, traditionally, there was a system by which the temples would be having a lot of land with them.
So kings and wealthy people would donate land to the temples. The land would belong to the deities. But all the priests who would be taking care of the deities, they would be maintained through the cultivation of those lands.
And by that, they would have a regular income. Charity will come, but charity is not a reliable source of income. And many of the priests in traditional Indian temples, they were householders.
They would have their families, children, they would take care of everyone. So, in the 1980s, the Indian government passed Land Resettlement Act, in which they decided that there is a lot of iniquity in India in land distribution. So anybody who has land above a particular quantity, that land will be taken from them.
Like the jagirdars, the landlords will be there. The land will be taken and redistributed among the poor. And the Indian government brought temples under this category.
They did not bring churches or mosques under the category, but they brought temples under the category. That’s why, in just a month or so, hundreds of people just lost their source of income. All these temples had their priests and they were living on the land, but the land was taken away from them.
Now, they had, generation upon generation, they had been trained to be priests. They did not have any other training. It happened in South India.
Before 1960s, 1970s, not many Indians were coming to America or coming to the Western world. But then, when this whole thing started happening, people started feeling discriminated, immigrated to other parts of the world also. So, there is a historical reason.
Now, the church in India is the second biggest employer after the Indian government. So, they have huge amount of property. So, there is a reason for this.
The churches often get money from abroad. The temples don’t get so much money from abroad. But still, this does not excuse the way the Pandas behave.
Some of the Pandas may be very pure and exalted, but the way they come off is very unfortunate. But from the perceptions point of view, what happens? People behave like this. Why should I go here? Why should I go here? So, people are practising religion voluntarily.
If at all they are practising something, they are practising it voluntarily. And if they don’t feel good about it, they will stop practising it. Of course, we can’t just be driven by people’s feelings, but people’s feelings have to be taken into account.
People have a rational side, but people also have emotional side. So, if someone has to be given some correction, then it has to be done in such a way that the rational side also has to be satisfied and the emotional side, the wound has to be minimised. If that is not done, people just give up.
So, the major, you could say, exodus of people from religious organisations happens primarily because of relational issues. Not so many people have philosophical issues. No, I don’t believe in this.
I don’t believe in that. Few are there, but if people had philosophical issues, mostly they would not come only. Because the philosophy doesn’t change.
It is not that when we came, we didn’t tell you Krishna is God. Now we are telling you Krishna is God. No, the philosophy is more or less there all the time.
So, it’s not, usually it is not the philosophy that makes people go away. There can be various factors, but one of them is the bitterness in the relationships. So, that can be aggravated if we, if we take the surgeon’s scalpel in our hands and start slashing others with it.
So, now, sometimes the surgeon’s scalpel has to be used, but as I said, it has to be used carefully. It has to be used after an adequate amount of relationship has been developed with the person. So, basically, normally criticism is never easy to take.
Even if we are wrong, to accept that we are wrong is not easy to accept. Now, when can we take criticism broadly? It is in three situations. One is when there is no alternative.
Say, if our boss criticises us and that is the only job we have, then we will still, we will not like it, we will still resent it. There was a top company, this was about 15 years ago, this was a survey done. A top company says, what is the favourite fantasy of the employees? So, there are many people, they said different things, but one common fantasy was, several employees, this is all anonymous survey, they said, they imagined a bust of their boss and beating it boxing gloves.
So, all that resentment is pent up in people. So, now, sometimes we just have to accept criticism because there is no alternative. So, one is where there is no alternative, when it is a matter of provision of necessity like our salary or something like that.
The second is where we respect and trust the person. We feel somebody is my well-wisher, then it becomes easier to accept that criticism. And third is where with our intelligence.
So, first is necessity, second is there is an emotional connect with the person, which is stronger than what the criticism will severe. And the third is, if we are very rational and intelligent, then we understand. And this makes sense, what they are saying.
So, now, with respect to spiritual life, people don’t feel that there is no alternative to this. Of course, if you understand the philosophy properly, understand that Krishna is the goal of our life. But that takes a long time and people feel, maybe, I don’t want to practise bhakti, if people are like this.
So, then, they don’t feel it’s an alternative. So, then, what about rational philosophy? That is important. We need to educate ourselves philosophically and we need to provide education philosophically, so that even if there are ups and downs, people still keep practising bhakti.
But most important is that there should be a relationship of trust. When people feel that this person is my well-wisher, then they become open to improvement, open to suggestion, open to criticism. If the false ego goes into the defensive, not even a nuclear weapon can penetrate it.
Once a person knows, I am right, then once they start saying that, no matter what you say, it just doesn’t penetrate. They will find some way to argue and say, no, no, I am right, you are wrong. So, therefore, there has to be a relationship of trust and affection in the backdrop, then some correction can be given.
Without that, if it is given, then it is just alienated. Basically, when we interact with people, what is our purpose? We have things to do. Basically, we may interact with people because we have some things to do with them or we like them.
We just like being with a person, that’s why we interact with them. Or we have to do some things with them. There are two main reasons.
Now, both are not necessarily discrete. They can overlap also. We like someone and we have something to do with them also.
So, now, when we have something to do with, we have some things to do and they are a part of the team in which we have to do it. At that time, there is a strong tendency to have a very utilitarian attitude. Utilitarian attitude means that we are meant to do this, do this, do this.
We don’t, we start thinking of people not as human beings with conscious emotions. We start thinking of them as just tools who are meant to do what we are telling them to do. I was at a temple and there was one devotee.
Everybody was telling, this person, he just bosses around with everyone, just shouts, yells at everyone. And he was a nice devotee. So, I was friends with him.
So, I talked with him. And his response was, if they would listen to what I was telling, I would have to shout at them. Now, obviously, if people listen, nobody has to shout.
But the test of our character, the test of our Krishna consciousness is, what happens when people don’t listen to us. So, Prabhupada says that one’s greatness is to be estimated by one’s capacity to tolerate provoking situations. If people are nice to me, then what is difficult in being nice to them? It’s only when people are not nice to me, then comes the test of my Krishna consciousness.
How do I deal with them at that time? Sometimes we are justified. They did like that, so I did like that. Well, okay, but if you are claiming to be in a position of authority, then you also have to have greater maturity.
You cannot just have a tit-for-tat attitude. You did like that, so I do like that. We have to have a more understanding, more mature attitude.
And sometimes, some things we just have to let go. In the fourth canto of Srimad Bhagavatam, there is the pastime of Prithu Maharaj. So, Prithu Maharaj was a very virtuous and powerful king.
And in those times, the kings would often perform sacrifices. Elaborate fire sacrifices. They were sacrifices which were done to invoke auspiciousness on the kingdom.
They were pious activities. And kings who were very prosperous and very powerful, they would do many many sacrifices. And traditionally it is considered that if a king can do 100 sacrifices, then that king will eventually become Indra, the king of heavens.
So, Maharaj Prithu conducted 99 sacrifices. And when he was about to conduct the 100th sacrifice, at that time, Indra became insecure. Indra became so fearful that he started coming in various forms and disrupting the sacrifice.
He tried to steal the horse away, sometimes he would do this, sometimes he would do that. And eventually, initially Prithu Maharaj was patient. But eventually he got angry and started chasing.
Initially, Prithu Maharaj’s son was going and he was getting back the horse, sacrificial horse, whatever Indra would do. But finally, Prithu Maharaj himself got angry and took his bow and started chasing Indra to shoot Indra down. At that time, Brahma came.
He is the brahmana among the gods. That’s why everybody respects him. And he said, just let go.
Just let go. Indra is so attached to having the idea that he alone is the person who has done 100 sacrifices. He doesn’t want you to do 100 sacrifices.
Just let go. So, letting go is not easy. There was a, in Indian cricket, there was a famous cricketer, one of the most, probably the most famous cricketer in Indian history.
So, there was a match between India and Sri Lanka and India was batting third innings and the fourth innings was coming. So, in the fourth innings you have to get the opposing team out. So, the captain declared the innings when this batsman was on 190.
He wanted to make a double century. He was so angry. He was so angry, he just went and blasted at his captain.
And this person, actually he had made many many double centuries, he made many double centuries afterwards also. But he says, for months and months, he refused to talk with that captain. He said, why do you not let me complete double century? He said, actually we have to move forward, we have to win this match.
So, we had to have enough time to give the ball but he just didn’t accept it. So, actually if we are on the verge of coming to a landmark and suddenly you are deprived of that, it is not so easy to give up the detachment. But what happened was, when Pruthu was told this, Pruthu could have said, I am not wrong, I am acting virtuously.
I am doing the sacrifice so that my kingdom will flourish. So, it is, if I am doing sacrifice, what is it stopping him? Why should he stop me? He is wrong, you correct him. What is interesting, Brahmaji did not correct Indra.
Brahma advised Pruthu and Pruthu accepted the advice. When he accepted the advice, what happened by that? He was stuck with 99. You know, it is like a cricketer, 99 not out and the match gets declared.
Hey, wait, let me score one run. So, he said, let me do one sacrifice. He said, no.
He was stuck with 99 but because of his detachment, because of his willingness to sacrifice so that the conflict would be resolved, the result was that Lord Vishnu became pleased and Lord Vishnu himself came, appeared in the sacrificial arena and blessed Pruthu profusely. Now, usually the sacrifices are done for satisfying the various devatas and ultimately for satisfying Vishnu. But the devatas don’t usually appear and even if devatas appear, Vishnu doesn’t appear.
Devatas accept the sacrifice but they don’t visibly reveal themselves. If they are very pleased, they reveal themselves. But Vishnu revealing himself is extremely rare.
So, Vishnu came not because Pruthu Maharaj performed 100 sacrifices but because for a higher cause, Pruthu was ready to live with 99 sacrifices. So, earlier I talked about right and wrong but there is a right beyond right. The right beyond right means that something may be right in the moral category.
Morally speaking, you can say that, you know, Pruthu might say, I am right, Indra is wrong. But more than what is right and wrong in the moral category, look at what will have the right effect. If you insist on having to do this, I want this, it must be done, then it’s simply going to escalate the conflict.
But no, I am right, he is wrong. Yes, it’s true, you may be right and he is wrong. But he is not mature enough to understand that right now.
You are mature enough. Normally, the Devatas are considered higher in the hierarchy than the humans. But the Bhagavatam repeatedly shows how bhakti inverts the cosmic hierarchy.
If somebody has devotion, then even a demon may become greater than a Devata. With Vritrasura is a demon but he becomes greater than Devata, Indra. Prahlad is a boy, a child is a boy, normally the father.
Prahlad is a child but he becomes greater than Hiranyakashipu. So, similarly here, what happens, a human being becomes greater than a God because he has devotion. And Indra says, so, Brahmaji tells Pruthu, let go.
So, the right beyond right means, rather than thinking of right in terms of category, this is right, this is wrong, we can look at right in terms of consequence. What will have the right consequence? In the Mahabharata it is said that how do we know whether action is right or wrong? There are broadly three ways of knowing it. Intent, content and consequence.
Why am I a person doing it? Because sometimes the action the person does may be wrong but the intent is very good. And sometimes that is itself what is appreciated. Like say when Shabari, the tribal lady, she was offering food to Ram.
Normally when you offer food to God it should be clean and pure but she was biting the berries to see which were sweet and which were sour. And then those which were sweet she was giving. So, now that means she was giving the food that has touched her lips to the Lord.
But her intent was very good and the Lord accepted that. So, there is intent and then there is content. What are we doing? Is this the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do? There are moral categories.
But then there is consequence. Sometimes what I may be saying may be right but it may not have the right effect at that time. So, if it is not going to have the right effect then better don’t speak at that time.
Speak that which will have the right effect. Our purpose is not just to speak the truth. Our purpose is to speak the truth in a way that attracts people to the truth.
Our purpose is to speak the truth in a way that attracts people to the truth. If people get alienated from the truth then what is the use of communicating that truth? And Sri Prabhupada was expert in this on various occasions. Once somebody asked Prabhupada, a hippie asked Prabhupada, Swamiji, Prabhupada has spoken about the spiritual world and how happy a place it is.
Swamiji, what is the bliss of Vaikuntha like? This person was just coming, had been high on drugs and was just coming out, Swamiji, what is the bliss of Vaikuntha like? So, Prabhupada said, Vaikuntha is like an ocean of LSD. Ocean of LSD. Somebody will say, hey, in which scripture is the bliss of Vaikuntha compared with a drug? Isn’t it? That is transcendental.
Thomas thinks this is a mode of ignorance. But for a person whose definition of happiness is in terms of drugs, you have to tell that, explain the language which makes sense to them. So, the point is not just to get it right.
The point is to get it across. The point is not just to get it right. I speak, I have spoken the right thing.
The point is to get it across, to convey the message properly. And this is often an art. And there is a, so Shri Prabhupada, sometimes we hear of him, he would use strong words like fools, rascals, for speaking, for pointing out wrong behaviours.
But if you look at it, I did an elaborate study of Prabhupada’s books. Prabhupada used these words primarily in his personal conversations with his disciples. In, so I, there is a Veda based software which has all of Prabhupada’s works.
So, say, Prabhupada has used, the word, some word like rascal is used around, say, around 450 times. I got the exact statistics. But suppose, something like, some figure like that.
But in his printed words, the thing which he published as books, he has used it less than 25 times. So, his conversations were private with his disciples. They have already accepted him as authority and then said, no, this is not right, this is not right, this is wrong.
But in his books he is very cautious in the way he speaks. And he said, my primary legacy is my books. So, Shri Prabhupada was strong at times.
But Shri Prabhupada, more than being strong, he was effective. Whatever was needed for getting people to Krishna, he did that. So, it is, Shri Prabhupada had many advantages.
First of all, he was much older than everybody else. So, his disciples already accepted him as authority. And actually, even the word rascal, Shri Prabhupada learned his English in 1920s.
At that time, the word rascal did not have the same connotation that it has now. Rascal was more of an affectionate word of reproach. It’s like somebody, a child does something naughty and they say, you rascal, what are you doing? And the word rascal, today it is used without use.
That person is a rascal. Rascal? How dare you call somebody a rascal? Words have different connotations. So, today the word does not have the right connotation.
Shri Prabhupada often used the word cult. It’s a cult of Shri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. Now, at that time, when Shri Prabhupada learned and used his English, cult simply meant a group of people.
But over the years, the word cult has come to mean a very insular group of people, where people are brainwashed, people are indoctrinated, people are manipulated. So, the word has a negative connotation. So, we don’t use that word at all.
Indrajit Maharaj had a diary, he called it the diary of the travelling preacher. But now the word preaching itself has got a negative connotation. You think you will preach to me? You are going to talk down to me? So, the word preaching has got a negative connotation.
So, now he has changed the diary to diary of a travelling monk. So, we have to be sensitive to words. So, Prabhupada would use the word rascal, he would use it very carefully and he used it in a particular context.
It meant a particular thing. Today it doesn’t mean that thing. There is a lecture in which Prabhupada says, Piyodivodi always prays to Krishna.
Krishna, all these rascals are suffering in the material world. Please give them intelligence by which they can come back to you. So, there is no trace of judgmentality in his use of the word rascal.
It is actually with compassion. So, we may not have that compassion. We can usually assume we don’t have that level of compassion.
So, when we learn to speak sensitively, then we will be able to avoid unnecessary hurts to people. And thus we will be able to move forward in making our relationship stronger. So, I conclude with one point now that when we have to tell someone that something is wrong, now what is the purpose of that? It could be either to make them do the right thing.
So, I said earlier we may deal with people primarily because we have to get things done with them. Or we deal with people because we like them. So, now there are times when certain things have to be done in a particular way.
If you are worshipping the deities, you do this deity worship like this, you cook like this, you dress right like this. There are certain things which have to be told. So, at that time it is not a problem.
Basically, there is a person, there is a behaviour and there is a standard. There are three things. There is a person, the behaviour and the standard.
So, now if the standard is objectively and rationally communicated beforehand, then when the person acts wrongly, then pointing it out is not so difficult. Rather than saying, you know, you are wrong, you are a bad person. This is what is expected over here.
And can you do it this way? But instead of, what happens is, instead of telling the standard clearly and expecting people to act accordingly, we may tell, you are so careless, you are so irresponsible, you are so lazy. So, here, as I said, there is a person, there is an action and there is a standard. So, the problem is that the person’s actions may not be according to the standard.
So, if we tell people about the standard in advance and then when necessary we tell, this action is not according to the standard, please rectify it, then it is easier for them to digest it. But many times we presume that people know the standard and when people don’t do the action, rather than telling them the standard, we offer a judgement to the person itself. You are irresponsible, you are like this, you are like that.
Then people feel wounded by that. So, sensitive speech means that we learn to separate the person from the behaviour. We learn to separate the person from the behaviour.
Rather than equating the person with the behaviour, we say, ok, this behaviour is here, you are here. And let’s deal with this behaviour. Let’s help you, let’s work out how we can rectify it.
So, here, we are not saying that the behaviour is to be accepted. Behaviour may need to be rectified. But rather than putting ourselves in a position above them, say, I am here and you are here and you are a misbehaving fool.
So, we equate them with their behaviour. Then when we criticise them, they feel attacked themselves. But instead, what we do is, instead of we taking a position above them, we being here and they being here, instead what we do is, we understand that I am here, you are here and this behaviour is here.
So, let’s, rather than I being on the opposite side and conflating people with their behaviour, I am on their side and this behaviour is here. Let’s see what we can do to deal with this. So, when people feel that we are with them and not against them, then for them, combating the weaknesses becomes easier.
Because the one problem is that we have weaknesses. Another is that we also, sometimes we feel we just have to be told. Do this thing and do it.
But improvement, especially in the behavioural domain, it requires not just the knowledge of what is the right thing to do, but it also requires the encouragement to do that. If that encouragement is not provided, people just become disheartened. One of my main services is writing.
So, I did some studies, I read some books about writing. So, in one such book, a study was done in Wisconsin University in America and they had a group of students, they were doing creative writing. And there were boys and girls.
So, the boys decided that we all want to become good writers. So, they said whatever we write, we will present to each other, we will form a group of critics. And each of us will point out what are the faults in the writing so that we can all learn and we can improve.
And the girls, they came together and they decided we will do exactly the opposite of what the boys are doing. They wanted to assert their independence. So, they said that we will form a group and in our group, we will present our writing and we will look at what is good in the writing.
So, the researchers traced back these students 10 years later and 20 years later. And they found that among the group of boys who had critiqued each other’s work, not one of them had become a professional writer. Although they did a professional writing course, they had all got careers in other fields.
And most of them had great fear in writing. Whenever they would write, you know, maybe this will be wrong, this will be wrong, this will be wrong. And even the few who wrote and wrote well, they took an inordinate amount of time to write even ordinary drafts.
On the other hand, the girls, the group of 15 girls, they found that three of them had become published and celebrated writers. And almost all the remaining, they were known in their circle, in their friend circle as good writers, their friends and professional circles. And all of them, when they personally asked, they said, we enjoy writing.
So, what happened over here? Actually, writing is, as I said, it’s something functionally all of us do writing. But writing as art, writing as a skill, we don’t feel it is necessary. It’s voluntary.
If I learn it, it’s good. If I don’t, I’ll do something else. So, when people were criticised, they felt so discouraged that they stopped writing.
They just lost their heart to write. On the other hand, when they were encouraged, even with their mistakes, the encouragement inspired them to improve. And eventually, they became good writers.
So, for us, when we are practising bhakti, we are together practising bhakti, even if somebody is doing something wrong, this is not, don’t do like this, do like this. So, it may seem very obvious and common sense to us. But for them, they need to not just be reminded what they are doing is wrong or be told what is the right thing to do.
They may also need the encouragement that you can do it. It may seem a little difficult but you can do it. So, if our words offer judgement instead of encouragement, then they will lose their morale.
And they may not try it at all. They may settle where they are and they may never grow spiritually. And it will be their loss but it will also be our loss.
How our loss? Because we could have got the opportunity to help someone grow spiritually. And if they grow spiritually through us, then Krishna gives credit to us also for that. So, we lose and they lose.
So, it becomes a lose-lose interaction when we criticise inordinately or excessively. But when we focus on the purpose of the interaction is not just to tell the right thing but to also invoke the right mood, to inspire confidence, to inspire hope, to inspire, to raise people’s morale, then just as we need encouragement. So many times when we feel down, we need encouragement.
Everyone needs encouragement. Encouragement is for the heart what food is for the body. It’s the fuel that enables us to move forward.
And the world is by large a very discouraging place. So many things keep going wrong in life. So, we all need to encourage each other, not discourage each other.
So, when we encourage each other, then we get the fuel, we give the fuel to others and we get the fuel ourselves by which we can move forward. I think Mark Twain said, that he said, in my writing, he says, I can run on one good compliment for two months. He says, if I write articles, write articles, and some articles I appreciate, if one article gets appreciated well, that inspires me to go on for two months.
So, actually compliments, not just flattery kind of compliments, but genuine appreciations, they are actually very positive, very encouraging, very empowering. And if we learn to appreciate each other regularly, then occasionally we have to give criticism, it is not a problem. But in the normal time, we just interact functionally, you do this, you do this, and when we do it wrong, we pounce on them.
Then it becomes a big problem. Many times when devotees, some devotee passes away, then other devotees have a memorial in their service. And at the memorial, they say, oh, this devotee is so good, this devotee is so good, and people appreciate the devotee so lavishly.
But those same devotees, when the devotee was living, they were so miserly in offering that appreciation. So, why not appreciate the devotee when they are alive? They would be so much encouraged. So, we can actually be agents of not just the right knowledge, now some of us may not have the knowledge, some of us may not have the skills to educate people of philosophy or things like that.
But all of us can become agents of encouragement. Just speak appreciative words. And that way, we can all create much, much more positive energy in our social and spiritual circles.
So, I’ll summarise what I spoke today, and we can have some questions after that. I spoke about how we can have sensitivity without going into sentimentality. So, sentimentality means that sentiment becomes the primary soul factor for deciding what is to be done, what is not to be done.
If something feels bad, then we will never do it. Something makes people feel bad, we’ll never do it. That’s like a surgeon who says, oh, the patient will feel pain, so I’ll not operate the surgery.
No, sometimes we have to tell. A part of spiritual education is to tell what is right and wrong. But surgery is never the first line of treatment.
Surgery is never done without consent. Surgery is done usually with anaesthesia. And surgery is followed by pain medication.
Similarly, for us, we can’t assume that we are surgeons and others are patients. We have to see whether others are accepting as authority, whether we have tried other ways of telling, and whether we have created, anaesthesia would mean, we have created a warm relationship through positive interactions, by within which context they can take this criticism also. And anaesthesia and pain medication refer to the overall atmosphere of the relationship.
And if we do this, then strong words can help people move forwards. But otherwise, many people are put off, people leave religious paths, not because they disagree with the philosophy. One of the main reasons is because they just can’t, they find the behaviour of the other religious practitioners as alienating.
So, when that happens, there can be reasons why people behave in that way, but still the end result is that people go away. So, sometimes there is right and wrong, but sometimes there is right beyond right. That means, rather than just focussing on what is the right, what is the category of right and wrong, but look at what will have the right effect.
And sometimes just letting go of something. Yeah, I am right and that person is wrong. But in this issue, it’s not a big issue.
Like Pravruta Maharaj, just let go of his ambition to do hundred sacrifices, and that is Vishnu. So, sometimes just letting go, so that there is bigger harmony, in harmony the bigger sentence is maintained, that may be a part of being responsible and sensitive. This person feels very strongly about this, okay, let it go on.
So, our love for Krishna should be able to raise us above the need to prove ourselves right in every argument. I am right and you are wrong. No, it’s okay.
I don’t have to prove that I am right. So, that is what our love for Krishna should be. That’s what Pravruta Maharaj’s love for Krishna was.
And then I talked about when we are interacting with others, sometimes we just treat others in a functional way. They are just tools to get things done. But they are also human beings, and they are doing things voluntarily.
We can take criticism if there is no alternative, say a job is at stake, if we trust that other person, or if the criticism makes sense to our intelligence. Now, for most people in spiritual life, they don’t see spiritual life as indispensable. Of course, it is in the ultimate sense, but they don’t see it like that.
And if we have not created either the relationship where they feel they are well-wishers, or if we have not rationally explained why we are doing what we are doing, then they will take offence. So, rationally explaining means that there is a person, there is a behaviour, and there is a standard. So, rather than labelling the person, you are irresponsible.
We can say, this is the standard, and we tell it in advance, and then point out the behaviour. But it is not matching the standard. So, seeing and communicating in the mode of goodness means that we don’t equate people with their behaviour, but rather we separate the behaviour from the person, and what we say is that both of us are partners in overcoming their behaviour.
And as an example of that partners, I talked about this writing, the boys who criticise each other became disheartened and nobody wrote. Nobody became a good writer. The girls who appreciated each other all went on to become good writers.
So, we all need encouragement because the world is a discouraging place. And if in devotee circles, we get criticism and negative feedback, and that discourages us, then we will just be too demoralised. So, we all can become agents of positivity by speaking words of appreciation and encouragement.
Why reserve those words in a memorial after the person has departed? Let’s speak them now and increase the positivity in our devotional circles. Thank you very much. Hare Krishna.
Are there any questions or comments? Yes. You brought one of the interesting points which we have no answer. For example, how they behave like this, and the church is very nice, but then what happened, how they are affected, why they behave like that, no one knows.
Similarly, there are many, many things going on in India. One of the Christian priests, he declared, I don’t know whether you have ever seen, that all the Catholics, they should fast to change the Modi government. The Modi government, their practises are not very encouraging.
And there are a lot of marriages, this nation should be a Christian nation very soon, like that. But our devotees, how much, because there are some Hindu organisations telling, you are only talking about Hare Krishna, Chandra Krishna, what’s happening, what are you doing with this one? Before they become your devotees, they become Christians, how much you can, what, you can write in a book about this one, for example, why the Hindu priests become like that, why Brahmins become, I think abroad, as much as one of the points of the neglect there, and how, because there are some general people, they go to the Christians, they speak with nicely, they cannot release the issue. But when we say Hare Krishna, before that we make them devotees, they become Christians, they become Muslims.
So we have to write in a book on this, how to deal with the situation. Yeah. So, I mentioned about this mass conversion happening in India.
So, are we as devotees doing anything about it or should we do anything about it? There are two different situations over this. There is ISKCON the movement and there are ISKCON devotees as individuals. ISKCON the movement will primarily focus on these purposes that Srila Prabhupada gave.
And Srila Prabhupada focused primarily on teaching pure devotional service. So, we will focus on that. But Srila Prabhupada also accommodated and encouraged many people.
Many of the people who came to Prabhupada in India came not to become his followers. Srila Prabhupada went from India to America because he found that Indians were not very serious about taking to spiritual life. When he came back 5 or 10 years later, it was not that suddenly Indians became serious about spiritual life.
Indians were still the same. But now, they felt all this non-India, the western people are following our path. So, then they felt a sense of pride in that.
So, most of the people who supported Prabhupada in India were driven by cultural nationalism. And Prabhupada also engaged them. He used them to, he engaged them in service so that they could help in building temples, in removing obstacles.
So, that means there are two aspects. One is we encourage people to rise to a spiritual level, high more spiritual level. But also we engage people where they are.
So, if we envision a pyramid, at the top of the pyramid, it’s narrow. At the bottom of the pyramid, it’s very broad. So, like that, because the top of the pyramid is serious devotees who are following, say, the serious standards of initiated devotees.
But, along with that, there can be many circles of increasing radii of people who are inclined towards Krishna but who may not be having the same level of commitment to Krishna. And Krishna talks about these various levels in the 12th chapter. From 12.8 to 12.12, he says, first, just always think of me.
If you can’t do that, just practise Adana Bhakti so that you can develop attachment to me. If you can’t do that, just work for me. If you can’t do that, then work and give the fruits of the work to me.
If you can’t do that, then work and give the fruits to some good cause by which you will develop some detachment. So, Krishna himself gives various levels. So, similarly, devotees may come from different backgrounds and all of us may have certain concerns.
Say, some of us may come from a agrarian background. They feel, oh, now all the people in the villages are leaving and coming to the cities. We should do something to protect the villages.
So, that may be a zeal which we have. Somebody may come from a very eco-sensitive environment and they feel, if you look at the predictions that some climate change proponents make, the world is going to be in big, big trouble in a few decades or in a century or so. So, there are many people, some people are alarmists, exaggerate things, but there are many genuine concerns also.
So, if you look at the world, there are many things which are wrong in the world. So, similarly, one such thing is, in India there is a lot of conversion that is happening. And, yes, some of them are quite aggressive in terms of canvassing people and converting people and not just converting, but after them making them antagonistic to their parent culture.
So, if somebody sees Christianity as their path to God, there will be no issues with that. But often people take to Christianity not because they see it as a path to God, but because they see it as a path to either more material benefits or they see a path to religion which allows them all kinds of sensuality also. And then, so, basically what happens? They were Hindu materialists and then they become Christian materialists.
So, at a spiritual level there is no change in them. They stay materialist. But the difference is, when they were Hindu materialists, at least they were favourable to Krishna Bhakti.
They were favourable to Bhakti spirituality. But when they become Christian materialists, they become unfavourable, opposed, hostile to Bhakti spirituality. So, then it becomes a problem.
So, now, at an individual level, if some devotees feel inspired to do something about it, definitely they can. We, as editors of Bhakti Gaudita, we once published a whole issue on Krishna Consciousness and Christianity. And there I wrote elaborately about conversion.
So, and how it creates problem, how it needs to be dealt with. So, we also should not be alarmist in our dealings with, in our view of Christianity. Christians have that mandate, based on the Bible, they say that go out and make disciples of all people.
So, they are simply doing their job of preaching. So, we are doing preaching over here. And Christians are becoming Hare Krishnas.
So, not in a big quantity, some small quantity, but some Hindus may become Christians. So, at one level, we have to see that religion is like a marketplace. Whoever does the best marketing, they will get the customers.
Even if your product is very good, if your marketing is not good, those people whose product is, those people who do better marketing, they will get the product. So, rather than blaming, oh, people are getting converted, people are getting converted, we have to present ourselves better. We have to, not just better, but we also have to present ourselves in a bigger way, so that we can attract more and more people, help people understand the glory of Bhakti spirituality.
Then they will not go in that direction. So, rather than blaming them, we say, we who are not doing our job. We who are not doing our job, because of which, if you see, if we start presenting properly, then people will get attracted.
At another level, if some devotees feel individually inspired, then they may decide that we can work to protect the broader Vedic culture, broader culture in India. And they may do some programmes of mass education or general dharmic awareness. Even if people don’t come to the level of Bhakti, that is something which is up to individual.
It’s not that, with respect to such initiatives, different devotees will have different opinions. Some people will say, it’s very important. Some people say, why are you doing this? Just practise Bhakti.
It’s not wrong for devotees to have individual passions. And it’s not wrong for devotees to focus on Bhakti alone. So, we have to find out, after we have been practising Bhakti for a few years, we have to find out how best we can serve Krishna.
What is it that drives us the most? And I say, we should not be alarmist. Alarmist means that, it’s not that the Christians may have a covert agenda to say that we want to make it a Christian nation. But the way they portray it is, we are a minority religion and Hindus are becoming aggressive and they are persecuting us.
How much truth it is, we don’t know about that. But, you know, here we are the minority religion in the western world. And in many places, actually Christians have helped us.
When there was the brainwashing case against us in America, it is many Christian scholars came and testified that Hare Krishna is a bona fide religion. Of course, it was not that they loved Hare Krishnas. Just they thought that today these people can be called as brainwashing, tomorrow we will be called as brainwashing.
So, they saw it as a threat to religious freedom. But they helped us. It was their testimony that helped us a lot.
So, in every religion, there are people in goodness, there are people in passion, there are people in ignorance. So, even among Christians who are preaching and converting, there are some people in passion and ignorance, who use very aggressive and appalling means to try to convert. And there are Christians who are in goodness and they may present things rationally, intelligently and attract people.
So, we can’t identify a group of people with the lowest denominator in that people. So, you have to see that they are also in various modes and some people may be doing certain things which are wrong. So, they feel threatened and they may feel threatened or that perception may be true or not true.
But in a sense, because we are the majority religion over there in India, so it is for us to recognise that in general in today’s world, the underdog is favoured. So, if Hare Krishnas in England or America claim, oh, we are being, our religious rights are being threatened, then we will be supported. So, in today’s world, the underdogs will be supported.
So, they feel like we are such a small religion and these are so big. So, the public propaganda is going to be in a particular way. So, we have to decide whether we want to get involved in it.
So, there are two broad options. In general, I talked about this for a particular reason. My context was that how people perceive things.
But if we are going to get involved in that, then do something tangible within the parameters of devotion, broad parameters of devotion. But if you are not going to do anything about that, then talking about it and thinking about it, that will simply agitate the mind. If I keep reading news about, hey, this environmental prophecy, this has gone wrong, this is a problem, this is a problem, this is a problem, just end up depressed.
So, similarly, if this is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong, if we can’t do something, then decide. Even if it is some small thing, we have to do it. If we don’t do anything and keep reading about it, hearing about it, that will simply agitate us and frustrate us.
So, in general, with respect to problems, any problem or situation we have to face, well, can I do something about it? Then let me do it. If I can’t do anything about it, then let me not waste my emotional energy on it. Because I’ll simply drain myself, I’ll drain others by that.
So, it’s in the mode of ignorance, actually, to just feel sorry for oneself. Feel agitated, you know, the world is such a bad place, they are so bad, and we are so much victimised. So, in the mode of ignorance, what happens is we focus on all the things that are not in our control and simply increase our sense of helplessness.
So, people have often in the mode of ignorance, tomorrow I’ll talk about three modes and how they affect our capacity to be sensitive. But what happens in the mode of ignorance is that people come together and, you know, oh, that person is so bad. Yeah, that person is so bad.
People come together and they all demonise some other and they have a pity party. Oh, we are in such a terrible situation, that person is so bad. And nothing is helped by that.
So, if we can do something, do it. If we can’t do it, then better not think or talk about it. We understand that Krishna is in control and ultimately Krishna has a plan.
We do our small part here in Krishna’s plan and Krishna will do his bigger plans for other people. Can you talk personally about this later, bro? Yeah, I have written these two books, OMG and PK. They are not just devotional books directly.
Yeah, they are generic books. Yeah, that kind of questions are addressed in those two books. Yes, any other questions? Yes, yes.
Mathew, you had a question? Yeah, please. You spoke about when they are a group of writer or a group of person or someone to then… By encouragement. Yes, how to join them or for some address or… I think we have an online forum called Bhakti Writers.
There are many devotees, there are a few devotees who are there. If you just search Google for Bhakti Writers, there are devotees who are writing. Ok, thank you.
When we come to ISKCON, it is mantras, have a good time, eat prasadam, but then you get deeper into the philosophy and then you start learning things like Vaisnav Prat. Now, when you have bonders, not from ISKCON, but in other temples and they are asking for charity, I will give you a perfect example. Every time I go India with my wife, Hindu background, we go to a temple.
She will keep me back because she knows how to deal with them because they will recognise me from far. He is a foreigner, let’s make some money. But they are right next to the deities and they are asking money.
Are they not concerned about a Prat or are they just so… And they are looked after by the trusts. Some of these Hindu temples have trusts where they get an income out of it. But yet you see greed and I am worried.
If I make a mistake as a Vaisnav Prat, all that hard work that I have been slowly building up gets burnt. But when you have people in a position of authority and they don’t have it. Maybe you might be covering it in the modes tomorrow, but it was just something that… So we see often in general many religious, many priests in temples which are also run by trusts who give them salaries.
They also are very overzealous in demand, in asking for donations. So are they not concerned that if they behave like this in front of God, in front of the deities, they are committing an offence. In general, it is very difficult for us to know why people act the way they do.
So that’s first thing. We, when we come to any place, we have to have that attitude that whoever inspires me, whatever inspires me, I accept that and move on. The world is a very big place.
And there are so many things happening in the world that for us to even possibly understand why somebody is doing like that, it’s very difficult. Even in devotee circles sometimes devotees may behave in inappropriate ways. So if that’s an important devotee with whom we have to interact, then we can try to find out a little bit.
But otherwise, we focus on our purpose. In the world, we could say like a hospital, we are all patients. And we have got a treatment now, which we are taking and we are getting healed by it.
The others, sometimes in the hospital, there may be doctors who may be irresponsible. But then what do we do? We avoid those doctors and go to doctors responsible. So we have to be in that sense purposeful.
Yavasayatmika buddhi ek ek kuru nandana. We focus on how we can get inspiration and we can move forwards in our spiritual life. That’s one thing.
Second thing is that in general there are three levels. I talk about Kanishta, Madhyama and Uttama. So many people, even if they may be priests in temples, they may never have, they may never have got, they themselves may not have got the systematic philosophical education.
Because they just learn the rituals. You do the rituals and you move on in life. So there are many people for whom religion is simply a business.
And there are sometimes some priests who come to do some marriage ceremony and something like that. They recite some mantras, take the money and leave. So for them, there may be some religious activities, but that sense of sanctity is not there.
It’s just a profession for them. So then they just act like business people. They act very money minded over there.
So we have to see that again there are people in the three modes. And some people in passion and ignorance may just do terrible things. What can you do about it? So are they not aware? I would say that sometimes the immediate motives become so dominant that ultimate things just get relegated to the background.
And you think, you know, I want to get some money. That becomes so dominant that people just forget. And people rationalise it.
There’s a lot that goes on in the name of religion which is actually a religion. I was at a Ganesh festival. Ganesh is one of the prominent devatas in the Vedic tradition.
And there they had invited me to speak on dharma. So I went to the Ganesh, the big deities of Ganesh, for the worship and right in that pandal there was a loud Bollywood song going on. So I asked them, this is Ganesh’s puja.
Then can I have some bhajans about Ganesh? So they replied, actually Ganesh is bhakta vatsala. He loves his devotees and therefore he loves whatever his devotees love. So now this is the spectacular rationalisation, you know, outrageous rationalisation.
Yes, the Lord loves his devotees. But that means whatever we do, we are loved. Not whatever we do is loved.
Whatever we do, we are still loved by Krishna. Krishna doesn’t reject us. The Lord doesn’t reject us.
But it is not that whatever we do is loved. So somehow people just, they just pander to their lower impulses in the form of religious worship also. So that’s why religion is also a big khichdi.
And some things are khichdi are good, some things are bad. So we just focus on what is good and move on. Understand that there are people in various modes, who are there in the religious circles also and they may act according to their modes.
Okay. Hare Krishna. Yes.
Professor, you explained the behaviour standard and the person and you said that once we try and isolate the behaviour and then address the behaviour by encouragement and appreciation. So often times we come across too many people in our daily life. Constantly we meet a lot of people.
And in the flow of things and by the general nature of how we are educated and trained, we have a critical mindset so that we have a discriminatory mind and we can get the maximum out of whatever we are doing. Because that is how the world is made and that is how you progress. So because of that the mind is very specific and very sharp at times.
And therefore we tend to not see what can be appreciated. Or rather we don’t find what can be important or appreciated. And then that also happens in personal relations and other relations which are not personal relations.
So how do you address this? How do you… there is no time for pause. Yeah. So we are so busy and we are in a functional mode.
At that time we don’t feel the need for appreciating others. And that percolates in all our relationships also. Yes.
We interact with many people. And not all relationships can be given equal importance. At least the people who are very important for us, with them we need to spend some quality time.
Apart from just functionally doing things. So at least with them if we spend time appreciating what they are doing and there can always be occasions. When somebody’s birthday, some anniversary is there.
So special moments when they have achieved something is there. At that time we appreciate. So if we have the… if we make sure these are those times.
In a routine flow of time, day to day, it’s very difficult to suddenly stop and from a functional mode to suddenly go to appreciative mode. It’s a little difficult. But there should be time when we are able to do that.
And if you can earmark special occasions for that. So on birthdays we may just wish happy birthday to people. But instead of wishing happy birthday at that time, we also make some specific appreciation to people for what they are doing.
That helps them. That helps. Also if we at least develop a habit of appreciating some people on a regular basis.
And that habit will also grow. It’s not that we necessarily have to spend a lot of time in appreciating. It’s just that we have to direct our thought in that way.
So when I am a writer, one of my services is I am an editor for Back to Godhead. So whatever articles are submitted, I am an editor, reviewer, editor for many magazines. So then whatever is written over there, whatever people write, they send it to us.
And then we have to review it and say is it suitable for publishing in Back to Godhead or not. Or is it suitable for publishing. So now what happens is by nature our eyes go to see what is wrong.
Because of this, this can’t work. Because of this, this can’t work. This can’t work.
And that is an important service as a reviewer. But then we try to make sure that either we speak something, write something positive to encourage. Or we don’t send the review directly to the authors.
We have a group and then the chief editor who sends the review, chief editor writes something positive also over there. So we have to create some structure by which the effort is appreciated even if the product needs improvement. So it’s not that we have to, so if I am reading a piece of article, I can see the negative in it but I can also see the positive in it.
I may focus on the negative because that’s what I feel is important for me to communicate. Because of which this, this, this, it doesn’t work. But there is a positive also and if I just direct my thought in that direction, I can notice that also.
So I would say it’s not so much because of lack of time. It is more because we are not habituated ourselves to think in that direction. So if you start doing that, just start with small people.
Just decide that, OK, one person I’d appreciate every day. And there is a small appreciation also. So in once we had, in the Brahmacharya ashram, we had lot of devotees criticising each other.
They said, appreciate each other. And I said, you know, there’s nothing, I don’t find anything good in this person. So if you can’t appreciate, appreciate how nicely they put the tilak.
Appreciate something. So if you want to, you can always find something to appreciate. Not in the flattering sense, but in the genuine sense.
And once you start that, the habit also grows. Then it gets a momentum of its own. And actually, if you start looking for good, it becomes, it is cheerful also.
You know, we find something good, we speak something good and people feel good. We feel good about it. So it creates positivity in our daily routine also in due course.
Thank you. Yes, Ramcharan, you want to say something? Yeah. Often you stress on this.
It becomes very difficult because you’re trying to develop these qualities. At the same time, you see that if you are in that mode, then you get taken advantage of. So you also have to, you know, play the other role as well, you know, to find out which, you know, who’s got what agenda.
And then, you know, sometimes you are in a way where you want to serve Krishna and Prabhupada with all your heart. Because of what they have given you. But then you have to put these stops.
Because where these people are concerned, I have to behave this way, this way. And it does, you know, spoil your consciousness while you are serving. Because you don’t want to do that.
You want to go all out, you know, because of what they have given you, Prabhupada and Krishna. Yeah. So, you know, if we try to be humble as you are expected to be, then we may be taken advantage of.
And we want to serve wholeheartedly. But at the same time, we have to become somewhat calculative and evaluative in seeing who has what agenda. So, how do we prevent that from, say, disturbing our devotional mood? See, I gave a series, I had one day retreat in Leicester where I spoke about redefining our relationship with ourselves.
So, one whole session was on misunderstandings about humility and tolerance. So, misunderstanding about humility means that it is to think that I should, being humble means anybody does anything to me, I let them push me around. That is not humility.
Humility means, Srila Prabhupada defines in the 13th chapter of the Bhagavad Gita, 8 words purport, 8 to 12 words purported. Humility means to not be anxious to have the satisfaction of being honoured by others. To not be anxious to have the satisfaction of being honoured by others.
That means, we may be honoured by others and we may also be satisfied by others. But we are not craving for that. We are not worried for that.
We are focussing on something bigger. What is that? Our service to Krishna. So, to phrase this thing in another way, humility means to not let our ego come in the way of our purpose.
If my purpose is to serve Krishna, even if somebody disrespects me, I’ll still accept that and continue my service. But if my service requires me to take a strong position, then I’ll take that also. So, basically humility means that our focus shifts from our ego to Krishna and Krishna’s service.
And for Krishna’s service, yes, we have to be shrewd. We, sometimes some people start exploiting us. Start taking us for granted.
Then we want to help others, we want to serve others, but ultimately we are here to serve Krishna. And if serving others is helping in the service of Krishna, then that is fine. But if people are just taking us for granted and they are just dumping their things on us, then we didn’t come here to become dumping bags for others.
Sometimes people have issues and they want to talk with us. Yes, we’ll be happy to talk with them. But then, if after talking, we give them some suggestions, some guidelines, and they don’t follow it, and again they want to come and talk.
And we have to see our time is also valuable. We are meant to serve Krishna. So, if service to Krishna is not happening, then we have to be discerning.
So, that discerning can be done with a service attitude or it can be done with a judgemental attitude. Judgemental attitude means, you know, this person, we fix labels on people. This person is very selfish.
This person is very lazy. This person is very money minded. Rather than saying like that, we can say that this person has this weakness because of which they are not suited for this service.
So, somebody says, if somebody is required for, we want to have somebody for guest reception. And some people, they like very clearly defined, do this, this, this, this. They don’t want to stretch themselves.
We have told them, specify them, they will do it very well. We have told them stretch, they will just resent too much. But if you are in guest reception, you may have to do what is required at that time.
Then maybe you say, because of this weakness, this person is not suited for this service. You can give them this service. So, we cannot live in the world with closed eyes.
So, we have to evaluate, especially if you are in a responsible position of allotting services or giving people some responsibilities. Then we have to see who is fit for what responsibility. So, we can’t not see faults in people.
One is, one extreme is living with almost like closed eyes, thinking, oh, everybody is a devotee, I should not see any fault in anyone. But then some people will just not be good at something. Somebody is a, somebody has no, is tone deaf.
They have no sense of music. And we make them the leader of the Sankirtan party. That will be miserable.
Everybody will be miserable. This is obvious, we can’t do it. So, one is, in the name that they are devotees, we don’t see any fault in anyone.
But the other extreme is, we see only the fault in the person. And we equate them with their fault. See, this person has this fault, but they are also a composite person.
They have some good also. But because of this weakness, they cannot be given this service. Maybe we have to find some other service to do for them.
So, if we see people, a tendency of the mode of passion is to split. Split people into convenient shapes. And the mode of goodness is more integrated, more holistic.
Everybody is a combination of strengths and weaknesses. And let us, we all have to manage each other’s weaknesses. And we have to tap the strengths.
So, we have to be shrewd. And we can be shrewd in the service attitude. So, if our purpose is Krishna, then we see that all this is a part of the territory itself.
All these challenges, actually, honestly speaking, although there is a lot of passion involved in taking up responsible services, we also have that passion within us. Even if we say, I have come to serve Krishna. But still, we are not free from passion.
So, when there are some challenges to be faced, there are some deadlines to be met, there are some projects to be done, then we feel a sense of excitement and achievement. So, we may think, I just want to purely serve Krishna. But if everything was pure, I don’t know.
Many times devotees in the ashrams say, devotees feel, I have so many services, I don’t have time to study scripture. But then you give them time to study scripture and then, ok, today you have whole day to study. Study for half an hour, one hour and then maybe, you know, start chit-chatting after that.
So, the nature of the mind is that if we are put in a situation of goodness, we start looking for passion. I want some stimulation. You are put in a situation of passion, you say, there is not enough goodness here.
So, the nature of the mind is that it will keep us dissatisfied wherever we are put. This is not right, this is not right, this is not right. Even if we go to paradise, the mind will say, yes, but… So, there are certain passionates, we live in a passionate world, we also have a passionate mind.
So, being in passionate challenging situations also stimulates us. So, we don’t want to fully be in the world of passion. But we want to channel the passion within us.
So, we can see such things not as divergence from devotion, but as opportunities to channel our passion and devotion. If we see them that way, then we will not see them as separated from devotion, but we can see them as also a part of our devotion. Okay.
Thank you. So, shall we stop here? Okay. One last question and then stop.
Yeah. So, how should we take criticism? Yeah, actually, this is going to be a major part of tomorrow’s seminar. And we talk about how we should be sensitive.
That is the topic today. But tomorrow, how do we deal with insensitive people? Some people are just not sensitive. I will be sensitive, but they are not.
What do I do? So, I’ll talk about this elaborately tomorrow. But I’ll make two points right now. First is that a criticism can be constructive.
It can tell us what is our, what are our faults and we can improve from that. But again, we have to see whether we, whether that criticism, what effect does it have on us. If it just agitates us so much, if it disheartens us so much, then we need others who will encourage us.
Just like say, when I write articles, I’ve been writing for 20-25 years now, 15-20 years. But when I write articles, I have a group of friends, I have some senior devotees who review those articles. And I look forward to their feedback.
And sometimes they appreciate something. They say, this doesn’t work. This is wrong.
This is wrong. So, now, I have a relationship with them. And I appreciate that they’re giving me inputs which I can improve my writing.
So, I value very much that feedback also, constructive feedback. So, at the same time, with me, my writing and I am separate. And I can see this is the article and it is in the, it’s still in the formative stage.
I can improve it. So, some devotees just get too demoralised when they get criticism. So, we cannot, although there are even some saintly people who say that, let their critic’s house be right next to your house.
And what will happen? That critic will force you to keep your house neat and tidy. Otherwise, they’ll criticise you. So, that’s also one way of looking at it.
People who criticise us, they actually help us improve. But as I said, to improve, we don’t just need to know what is the right thing to do or to be reminded what is the right thing to do. We also need to be encouraged to do that.
So, we need at least some people who will encourage us. Otherwise, we get too demoralised. And if we see that what they’re saying is valid.
So, when somebody criticises, at that time, we just decide, I’ll not respond right now. Let me just understand what they’re saying. Our tendency is that somebody criticises, how can you do like this? You’re not right, you’re not right, you’re not right.
But then they will also close down. OK, right now, you just speak what you want to speak. Let me understand it.
And sometimes at that time, we don’t respond. Then we think about it. And then when we meet again and then we respond at that time.
So, when we hear, we hear to understand, not hear to respond. Sometimes you’re speaking something and even before you complete a sentence, the other person is ready to speak. So, they already heard half part of the sentence and they decide what they’re going to respond.
They’ve not even heard the full sentence. So, in that case, it becomes a problem. Just hear patiently and then plan how to respond either later, at the end or some other time.
And there can be some times which criticism can be just destructive. That means that person just is out to find faults. This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong.
If that is the case, then just keep a distance from them. And if we need, we can clarify to them or clarify to others if required. But otherwise, just leave it.
So, we need definitely to have someone who guides us how to improve. So, if they do it in an encouraging, affirmative way, that is the best. And if there are such critics, who will tell the good and who will also tell room for improvement.
And they are very valuable for us. Thank you very much. Prabhupada ki Jai.
Gaur Bhakta Vrinda ki Jai. Gaur Premananda ki Jai. Hare Krishna.