The way I feel is the way I feel – Accepting our emotions and transcending our emotions

[Talk at Colorado State University, Denver, USA]

Video:

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
So thank you all for coming today.
Am I audible to you behind? Can you hear me? Okay, thank you. So I’ll speak today on the topic of the way I feel is the way I feel, that whether we accept our emotions or whether we transcend our emotions or which emotions we accept, which we transcend. I know a friend who is very short-tempered and his friends around, his friends, I don’t stay near him, he stays, but I just know him.
His friends get very upset because just small things, he starts yelling at others. Sometimes he even becomes physically violent, not very often, but very rarely. So once when he was confronted, you know, why do you get so angry? You need to control He said, this is what he did.
The way I feel is the way I feel. This is just the way I am. So, and of course, that was just in his heated moment when he was somewhat, you could say aggressively defensive.
He wanted to defend himself and he became aggressive in that process. But all of us get this question sometime or the other that we sometimes may get angry, we sometimes feel jealous of others, we may feel just depressed at the way things are going. So are our feelings something just the way they are, that’s how they are going to be? Or are our feelings changeable? So that’s the topic we’ll discuss today.
And I’ll discuss three conceptions of emotions or feelings. Basically feelings as sensations, feelings as dispositions, and feelings as intentions. So the feeling, I’ll be using the word feelings and emotions interchangeably over here.
So feelings as sensations, that means, say if you’re sitting on a seat and say it’s freezing cold, then I’m feeling cold. Now here cold is a physical sensation. We also use the word feeling for that.
But it’s not exactly, what shall we say, normally the way you use feelings. We talk about feelings as something more subtle. Anger or fear, these kind of things are what we call as feelings.
But sometimes our feelings also arise from outer situations. So we may say seeing that made me feel angry. If some bully is bullying some weaker person, how bad they do like that.
So feelings are some things which may arise from the sensations that we observe in the outer world. And in some ways, feelings are just natural responses. We see certain things and we feel in a certain way.
We feel certain things, we feel angry. If we see, say, a terrible tragedy has happened somewhere, we feel sad. So feelings here are more of reactions to the sensations that we are getting from the outer world.
And in some ways, some feelings are just the part of who we are. So I’ll come back to this idea of feelings as results of outer input coming upon us. The Bhagavad Gita is an ancient text of wisdom and it begins with a warrior who has to fight a very important war against atrocious wicked people who are creating havoc in the world at that time.
And when he has to fight that war, he becomes overwhelmed by emotions. He says, how can I fight? There will be so much bloodshed in so many people will be killed. And the way destiny has ordained that war, although he is on the side of good, somehow on the side of the evil are also some good people whom he respects.
And he feels, how can I fight against them? So at that time, he’s overwhelmed by emotion. And he’s a warrior, he’s an archer. He has his bow raised, ready to fight.
But then overwhelmed by fear, horror, dismay, at the prospect of this impending war, he puts aside his bow saying, I can’t fight. So normally for a warrior on a war field, to put aside a bow is like say, in today’s world, a soldier on the war field puts down their gun. When a soldier puts down their gun, that basically means they have accepted defeat, they surrendered.
So for a heroic warrior, they would rather die than put down their gun, put down their weapons. But when he puts down his weapon, at this time, not a single arrow has been shot. The war has not even begun.
And he, Arjuna, who is the recipient of the message of the Gita, the Gita is a conversation between Krishna and Arjuna. So Krishna, Arjuna, who is a warrior who has never been defeated till now in war, and that person puts aside his bow as if he were defeated even before a single arrow is shot. So more debilitating, more disempowering than the attack of outer enemies is the attack of inner emotions.
We can fight many big obstacles in our life if our emotional energy is with us. If we are determined, if we are confident, we can fight against big, big obstacles. But if our emotions start working against us, then even before the fight, we lose the will to fight.
And if we lose the will to fight, we lose the fight. Now most of us may not have ever had to fight a physical war using weapons, but we all have to fight against difficult situations. We all have to fight against the reversals of life, the misunderstandings that happen with each other, the competition that is there in the world.
We have to fight. So the attack of emotions can be more dangerous than the attack of enemies. So the Bhagavad Gita begins by dramatically demonstrating the power of emotions to batter and bring down to the knees a formidable warrior.
So here what happened? There was some sensation. He saw the armies arrayed on the battlefield and he became overwhelmed. The same happens to us.
We see certain situations and we may just become overwhelmed. What is the point of all this? What am I trying to do? Why should I be doing this? So our emotions can overwhelm us and some emotions arise from external stimuli which we observe. Now emotions are not just the product of sensations or reactions to sensations.
Emotions can also be dispositions. Dispositions means they are the way our mind is structured or disposed. The same situation, say two people have a boss who is very disagreeable, who is very demanding, who yells at people.
Now two employees, both of them may be in the same situation, but one of them gets angry and the other stays calm. Or sometimes a child is doing something mischievous and one parent stays calm and the other parent gets angry at it. We know some people are short tempered, some are even tempered.
So if emotions were simply reactions to sensations or situations, then why is it that all people don’t have the same emotions? That’s because emotions are shaped not just by the situations or the stimulations, but also by our inner dispositions. Some people are, when they’re short tempered, that means that their consciousness flows in the direction of anger and explosions based on anger very easily. So we could imagine our inner consciousness to be like a floor.
So say if this floor of this room, if it were inclined this way, then if water falls on it, automatically it will flow in this direction. Now even if I say, no, I have got some costly electronic equipment here, I don’t want the water to flow in this direction. But even if I don’t want it to flow, it will flow in this direction because the floor is inclined that way.
And the greater the inclination, the stronger and the faster will be the flow. So the word inclination, we can use it for physical inclination of, say, a floor, but we also use it for inner disposition. This person has an inclination for music.
This person has an inclination for sports, whatever. So inclination means we could conceive of it as a tilting of our inner floor. So when somebody is short tempered, then their floor is tilted towards aggressive expressions of their displeasure.
Others may also encounter the same situation and they may also feel displeased by the situation. But if their floor is not inclined that way, then they will not express their displeasure through anger. So in this sense, emotions are also the dispositions that are stored in our mind.
So some people, they tend to get depressed very easily. Some problem happens, one problem, two problems, it’s too much, I can’t deal with this. Some people, they have problems, okay, life is filled with problems, you have to face those problems, let’s move on with life.
They don’t seem to be that much affected. So the emotions that we experience are not just because of the situations that we are in, but also because of the dispositions that we have cultivated. And emotions can also be intentions.
Intentions means that I consciously decide to act in a particular way. Say for example, we, somebody has done something which has hurt us and we feel very angry, but they are not there right now and we are going to meet them after a week. If we start planning, you know, when I meet them, I am going to give them a piece of my mind.
Then it’s not just, yes, it’s a reaction to what they have done, but when we hold it on for a long time and then we act on it, it becomes a cultivated intention. And when it becomes a cultivated intention, then there’s almost very little that can stop us. So let’s, I’ve talked enough about negative emotions.
Let’s talk about positive emotions. Let’s consider emotion like satisfaction. Sometimes I feel satisfied.
I don’t feel satisfied. So now here, when we’re talking about emotion of satisfaction, we’re talking about it as a state of the mind. This is how I feel or this is how I don’t feel.
So here we’re talking about satisfaction as an emotion in the sense that, okay, that’s just something which is there inside me. But the Bhagavad Gita also talks about satisfaction as a decision that we can make. It talks about how we can all discipline ourselves and one of the forms of mental discipline, it says, is satisfaction.
Now, what does it mean disciplining ourselves or how can satisfaction be an act of discipline? That means that sometimes we know, say, okay, I have this many things in my life and if I look at the things that I have and I appreciate them, then I will get satisfaction. If I have, if I look at all the things that I don’t have, that will make me dissatisfied. I had one friend, when I was in college in India, when the college results come out, often they are all printed out on the notice board.
Do they do like that here also? No. How? You get it by, on computer? By email? Okay. So what happens, so when we had this notice boards where all the students’ results, the name here and the result here.
So I remember one of my friends, he was not a very good student, but he was a decent student. So in that exam, he had got 86%, which is quite good. He was very happy.
And then, you know, he had, there was another student with whom he didn’t get along very well. So when he came to know that I got 86%, he was very happy. But then I started looking at other students’ marks and this student with whom we did not have a very good relationship, he had got 89%.
And just that, seeing that, made him so miserable. So what happened over here was that if he had looked at the marks he had got, it is a good marks, he would have been satisfied with that. But the moment he started looking at the marks of someone else, he started feeling dissatisfied.
So here, satisfaction is not just emotion that we feel, it is also a decision that we make. That means if he, after, anyway, that time he cannot hide looking at that, he cannot avoid looking at anyone’s marks, they are just right there. But if afterwards he keeps dwelling, oh, why did he get more marks than me, why did he get more marks than me, he will be dissatisfied.
He focuses on, oh, you know, I did not think I would do so well, I got 86%, it is good, he can be satisfied. So satisfaction is not just emotion we feel, it is also, it can also be a decision we make. It is a discipline that we can cultivate.
If I count the blessings in my life, I will feel satisfied. If I count the problems in my life, I will feel dissatisfied. So in this sense, emotions are not just things that happen to us.
We sometimes say, in the outer world, things just happen. Somebody just ditches us, somebody speaks harshly to us, things go wrong in the outer world. And there are similarly some emotions just come upon us.
So yes, emotions have that aspect also. But emotions, we normally think of them as just something which I feel. And some people say, you should not feel like this.
Some people are short-tempered, you tell them, do not be so short-tempered, do not get so angry. Now, for somebody who is actually short-tempered, say, okay, even I do not want to get angry, but I do not know what happens to me, I just get angry. I get angry.
So why does this happen? So they may say that, I tried not to get angry, but this is how I am. Some people will say that, do not worry so much. Why do you worry so much? You know, okay, rest, I just cannot stop worrying.
So some people, after some time, they may start feeling that their emotions are something which they just cannot do anything about. That is the way they feel. So it is like, all of us, in the same weather, the weather may be cold, but some of us may feel very cold, some of us may feel a little cold, some of us may not feel the cold at all.
Now somebody is trembling because of the cold, and if you tell them, do not feel cold. What do you mean, do not feel cold? I feel cold. So we understand that different people have different bodies, and because of the body they have, some people may be more vulnerable to cold, some people may be less vulnerable to cold.
That is just the way the body is. So is the mind also like that? That, you know, I just feel worried. Some people worry more, some people worry less.
So yes, in one sense, that some people worry more and some people worry less, that may be just the way the mind is. I earlier talked about the impressions, on the inclination of the inner floor. So like that, we all have certain emotions that we are prone to.
We will naturally feel those emotions, but at the same time, we can choose how we respond to those emotions. So that means, yes, I am feeling cold. Now when I feel cold, what do I do? I just can’t stay in this place and whatever work I am doing, I just quit it and go away, or I get some warm clothes and continue my work over there, or I arrange for some heating over there so that I feel more comfortable.
So you could say the physical sensation of cold is something which is not in our control, but our response to it is something which is in our control. So now, when I am talking about emotions, actually emotions can mean all these three things. It can refer to the stimulation that creates a particular feeling within us, it can refer to the disposition that we have within us, and it can refer to our response to it.
So let’s take the example of worry. Now when do we worry actually? All of us have certain things which are in our control and certain things that are out of our control. And worry is just a natural reaction to uncertainty.
Say if I have to catch a flight to go somewhere, a couple of days I am going from here to Canada. Say if I am going to the airport to catch a flight and I am caught in traffic and I don’t know whether I will reach the destination or not, then that uncertainty will cause me anxiety. So for us, the fact that there is something which matters for us, but doing it is not in our control.
Getting to the airport is vital for me, but I am not sure whether I will get there or not. So that uncertainty causes anxiety. It makes us worry.
So now if we consider that there are some things in our control, something not in our control, and that is the way it is always going to be. We will never come to a situation where everything will be in our control. Even God doesn’t have control over everything.
He is a supreme controller, but we all have free will and we can act in the way we want. Within limits we can act in particular ways. So God is not like an absolute dictator who controls everyone.
He has given us free will. So the point is, we can never come to a situation where we will have control over everything. That means uncertainty is always going to be a part of our life.
And as a response to uncertainty, anxiety is also going to be a part of our life. So if uncertainty causes anxiety and if uncertainty is unavoidable in life, then you could say anxiety is also unavoidable in life. That is true, but at the same time, if I consider that something is in my control and something is not in my control.
The things not in my control cause me anxiety. So in that sense, the fact that there is something not in my control, that will cause me anxiety. But what do I focus on? If I focus more and more on what is not in my control, then my anxiety will shoot up.
If I focus on what is in my control, that will bring intensity. Say for example, tomorrow I have an important exam. And what kind of questions will come? How much will I remember? Will I be able to answer properly? Now all this is not in my control right now.
So this will cause me anxiety. But if I think, okay, what is in my control? I can prepare right now. Okay, let me prepare.
I have four, five hours tonight. Maybe two, three hours tomorrow morning. Eight hours I have got.
Let me do the best that I can in this time. So if I shift my vision to that which is in my control, then my anxiety will go down. The source of the anxiety is still there.
But when I don’t focus on that source of anxiety, but I focus on what I can do to prepare for it, then my anxiety will go down. So anxiety as a reaction to a situation, that okay, there is something not in my control, that is just unavoidable. Anxiety as a result of, as our intention.
By intention, I don’t mean something which we knowingly or intentionally do. It is something that happens. So if I choose to let my mind go in the direction of all the things that are not in my control, I will become, feel more and more powerless.
I will feel more and more overwhelmed by worry. I may get even a panic attack. Now some of us may naturally have a tendency to focus on the things that are not in our control.
And some of us may have naturally a tendency to focus on the things that are in our control. And depending on which tendency we have, accordingly, some of us may worry more and some of us may worry less. And it is not that anything in this world is an undiluted good.
Some people who worry too little, that can also be a problem. Isn’t it? If somebody just spends money recklessly, what about the future planning? The future will take care of itself. Well, no, you have to prepare for the future.
So if somebody doesn’t think about what is not in our control at all, then that is also not good. But if somebody thinks too much about it, that is also bad. So sometimes other members of my tradition, when they want to give public speaking, sometimes they come and ask me.
So many people have this great fear of speaking in public. How many of you have experienced this fear when you try to speak in public? Oh, yeah, that’s true. Thank you.
So when I first spoke in public, it was about maybe 25, 30 years ago, I was speaking and I had so much to speak. So I started speaking, I started just shooting off. It’s like when you’re surprised if you get into a car and immediately the person just zooms off the car.
And what happens? We just fall back. So like that, I got on the stage, just started zooming off. And people just couldn’t connect.
So they started looking here and there. And in order to get them to connect, I started speaking even faster. So I thought that if I speak faster, maybe what I’m speaking is not that interesting.
I speak more fast, then maybe something will catch their interest. But I just, so it was a seven minute talk that I was to give. And after three minutes, I was over.
So at that time, I just experienced not so much fear as anger. Why are people not paying attention to me? Why is everybody so distracted? But later on, I thought about it. It struck me that people’s reactions are not in my control.
When I let my actions be shaped by people’s reactions alone, then often my actions become thoughtless. Oh, they shouldn’t be doing this. So if I had focused instead, okay, how am I speaking? I had recorded that talk.
And after I played the recording, even I couldn’t understand what I was speaking. So initially, I could catch, but later on, I couldn’t catch what I was speaking. So one of the reasons why we have fear of public speaking is that when we speak in public, there’s something in our control.
What is in our control is how we speak, what we speak. We can prepare that, we can prepare our content, and we can prepare our delivery. But people’s reactions, we can’t control that.
So why do we have fear of public speaking? Because we dwell too much on people’s reactions. What if people laugh at me? We want people to laugh with us, not laugh at us. If we make some jokes, we want people to laugh with us.
What if people just walk out of my talk? What if people look at me scornfully? What is this? What is that? So the more we think of all that is not in our control, the more the fear of public speaking increases. But if we focus on, okay, what is in my control? This is the content I have prepared. Let me deliver it as well as I can.
So if we shift our focus to our content, and in one sense, the audience is always with us. The audience is never against us. What does that mean? It’s not that the audience is going to agree with what we are going to say.
But the audience is with us in the sense that they want us to make a good presentation. Because they have spent their time to come and hear us. And what we want to say, the case we want to make, they want us to make it well so that they can evaluate properly whether they agree with it or not.
So the audience may not agree with the points that we are going to make. But the audience wants us to speak it well. So in this way, if we focus and cultivate the thoughts about what is in our control, then the fear of public speaking can go down.
If I focus more and more that is not in my control, my fear will go up. So going back to the starting phrase, the way I feel is the way I feel. Is that true? At one level, it is true.
If somebody feels more cold than others, it’s true. Somebody is more short-tempered, they feel more angry than others, that’s true. That’s the way they feel.
But feelings are not just the things that pop up inside us. Feelings are something that we also choose to do. So to understand this, I’ll now get into a little bit metaphysical analysis.
The Bhagavad Gita offers us a model of the self. It says, we often use the word mind. But what does the mind actually mean? So the Bhagavad Gita explains a three-level model of the self.
It’s the body, the mind and the soul. This is like the computer, the hardware, the software and the user. So the body refers to the physical reality that is around us.
That’s like the computer’s hardware. The mind is like the software, which integrates and presents the inputs coming from the outer world. And we, the soul, are the observer.
We are the evaluator. We are the responder. So that means, let’s say right now I’m speaking something.
And whatever I’m speaking, it is coming in through your ears, you’re looking at me with your eyes and it is coming into your mind. And then you are evaluating. Does this make sense? Yeah, some of it does, some of it doesn’t.
So this whole input is coming into your mind. But say right now, if you are worried, oh, you know, tomorrow I have to do this assignment and when will this program get over? I just want to go back and start work on that assignment. And the thoughts just go off.
What if I can’t complete in time? What if this happens? What if that happens? When that happens, then I’m speaking something, but it may not appear on your inner screen at all. Because if the mind is like an inner screen, on that inner screen, the issue that you are dealing with, that may appear. And then we don’t perceive what is happening at all, what is happening at the physical level, at the external level.
So when this physical reality, the mental reality and the spiritual reality, all of them are aligned together, then there is proper perception. So I’ll take two examples to illustrate this point. Suppose there is a high security building in which there are cameras at each of the doors and there is a security center where all the cameras are integrated and brought together.
Now somebody wants to come and steal from that building and they know there are security cameras over there. So at one of the doors, they create a decoy. Now they just put some bomb which explodes.
And then the security, the camera inside, the monitor is an explosion that just shifts over there and they focus. So on this inner, on the security room, there is a big camera where, sorry, there is a big monitor on which the inputs from all the cameras are coming. So you can imagine that there are, if there are five doors to that building, there are five windows over there, five windows open on that big screen.
And say, whichever the user, whichever the security in charge wants to focus on, that window maximizes. So when they create a decoy, an explosion happens at a particular door. The security in charge becomes concerned and looks at it.
What’s happening over here? So that window zooms up. And while they focus on that window, the thieves sneak in from another window, from another door. And the security in charge doesn’t notice only.
So in this case, what has happened? The something important was happening at one place, but the attention was diverted to another place. Similarly for us, something important may be happening at, say, right now we are speaking, I’m speaking, you are hearing. So you come to hear this talk, you consider that it’s some investment of your time.
But say, at this point, your cell phone starts vibrating. The cell phone starts vibrating. Who could be calling? Maybe I should pick up the call.
Maybe I should not pick up the call. So what happens? There is the input that is coming in from the ears and the eyes. That window is maximized.
But when the cell phone starts vibrating, then what happens? The input from the skin window, touch window starts maximizing. And then maybe for the 30 seconds or whatever time you are thinking about it, what was spoken becomes a blank. You can’t hear it.
That’s how we become absent-minded. That means our mind goes somewhere else. Now this same dynamic applies to our emotions also.
Say one thing has gone wrong in our life and that is making us angry. That is making us upset. That is making us depressed.
Whatever be the reaction. If that one thing is what we keep focusing on more and more, then we just become more and more miserable. So life will hurt us.
But we don’t have to let the mind increase the hurt. Life will hurt us. But we don’t have to let the mind increase the hurt.
That means that say somebody has spoken harshly to me and that’s going to hurt me. I can’t avoid that. That may create disappointment within me.
That may create shock within me. That may create anger within me. That may create depression within me, whatever.
So those words are going to hurt me. But I have a choice whether I keep replaying it again and again and again. So going back to the security example, okay, there’s an explosion happened over here.
So naturally that window zooms up and that’s where you’re focusing on. But you know, okay, the explosion, is anything more happening over here? Is somebody taking care of it? Is there a big damage? Okay, look at this. Now let me look at other things.
So if one impression keeps replaying again and again and again and we let it replay, one image keeps replaying again and again, we let it replay, that is when we will get more hurt than what we need to. So all of us, sometimes we will be disrespected by others. Now if somebody, if some person is very image conscious or prestige conscious, then that disrespect is something which they will keep it replaying again and again and again for weeks, months, years.
How dare they speak like this? That image keeps replaying and then it hurts more. But if somebody, okay, they spoke like that, it hurt me, that is there. But okay, it’s there, let it be there, let it go.
I won’t focus on it. I’ll focus on something else. So in this case, emotion as a reaction to a situation.
Okay, that, they spoke like that and I felt hurt. That is a reaction. That is something which we can’t avoid.
So the way I feel is the way I feel is true. Somebody speaks harshly to me, I feel hurt. That’s fine.
That is accepted. But it is for me to decide whether that image, I’m going to let it replay again and again in my mind. It played once, it hurt me and yes, some hurt will be there.
But if I keep replaying it, it will hurt me more and more and more. So that capacity to choose whether the replay will happen or whether we can avoid the replay, that is something which we can make a decision. So how do we do that? The Bhagavad Gita explains that we are different from this inner screen.
So to the extent we identify with whatever pops up on the inner screen, we will just get carried away. So to understand how we are different from our inner screen, let’s do a simple thought experiment. So wherever you are, sit comfortably and you can close your eyes and you can take three deep breaths with me.
One, two, three. Now as your eyes are closed, try to see what you see in front of you. With eyes closed, you can’t see what is physically in front of you.
But still, it’s as if there is an inner screen on which you see some things. You may see some image of this room. You may see an image of your house.
You may see an image of a friend. You may see an image of some book you are reading. You may see an image of your phone.
Different images may keep coming and going on that inner screen or you may just see a dull haze of colors over there. Whatever be the specific image that you see, there is some kind of inner screen on which you see it. Now while you are looking at the images on the inner screen, try to take a step back and look at who is looking at that inner screen.
Instead of looking at that inner screen, take a step back and catch sight of the inner seer who is looking at the inner screen. Try once again. Take a step back and try to see the inner seer.
No matter how many times you step back, the inner seer steps back with you. What you are looking for is what you are looking with. You are that inner seer.
You are the soul and the inner screen is the mind. You can take one deep breath and then you can open your eyes. Thank you.
So, all of us have this inner screen and sometimes this inner screen is like the screen of our computer on which we are working or the screen of the phone on which we are working. Sometimes while we are watching one video on YouTube, another suggestion comes up. And then if you are too glued to watching, you just click on it and it starts off.
Then another video, another video it may just go on. One after another videos may just go on like that. But say you are studying something very important for your exam which you have tomorrow and then suddenly a notification comes up.
Say your friend has posted something on Facebook. Then if you have an exam which is six months away, you say okay let me see what is there. But you have an exam which is six hours away.
Okay, later. Let me study. Isn’t it? So, in this case, in both cases, the notification came.
But our response was different. Why? Because in the second case, we had something urgent to do, something important to do. That is why although that notification came, but we did not dwell on it.
So, similarly, for us on this inner screen, various things will pop up. And one of the things that pops up is emotions. That means some people act in particular ways and suddenly some hurt, some dejection, some irritation, some jealousy, it pops up.
So, that popping up is not in our control. So, a pop-up opens up on our screen, that is not so much in our control. But whether we click on it, whether we dwell on it, that is in our control.
So, somebody speaks harsh, unkindly to us, harshly to us, that makes us angry, that makes us feel hurt. So, that feeling of hurt has popped up within us. We cannot avoid that.
But if I click on it, if I dwell on it, if I let it play along, then that hurt increases more and more and more. But if I stop, okay, that is enough. It happened, let me just focus on something else.
Then that hurt will not hurt us that much. So, I said that emotions are, I will round this up now, I will conclude in a few minutes. I started by talking about emotions in three senses, reactions to situations, emotions as dispositions and emotions as intentions.
So, emotions as reactions to situations, they are not in our control. So, something happens and the hurt window pops up. Something happens and the anger window pops up.
That is something which is going to happen. So, as reactions, it is going to happen. Now, disposition means, I also talked about how in the same situation one person may become more angry, other person may not become that angry.
Why is that? That is because the impression, the inclination of their mind is like that. So, that is something similar to when some windows pop up on the screen. If we click on a pop-up, most of the software nowadays is based on responsive learning algorithms.
That means, if I click once, the next time it will pop up faster, pop up more frequently. So, if say, if we while going on YouTube, have in the past watched a lot of sports videos and say somebody else on YouTube has watched a lot of movies. Then if the person has watched a lot of sports videos in the past, they go on to YouTube, as soon as they go in, what will happen? Many sports videos will come over there.
Somebody has watched a lot of movies, a lot of movies will come over there. So, similarly, for those of us who have in the past repeatedly acted angrily, something happened, we yelled at others. We gave vent to our anger in the past.
Then that has become impressed within us. So, the mind responds by bringing those prompts more forcefully. That is why the same situation, both people may feel angry, but one may feel much more angry than another because they have acted angrily in the past.
Anger has become like a stored preference. So, YouTube stores our preferences and gives us videos to view accordingly. Similarly, our mind stores those actions in the past as our preferences and they pop up.
So, even their disposition is not in our control. But after something pops up, what do I do about it? That is in our control. To the extent we learn to become vigilant in our inner world and choose the right response, to that extent we will be able to manage our emotions.
We think that either I have to control my emotions or I have to be controlled by my emotions. This is a false dichotomy. We do not have to be controlled by our emotions.
It is not just because I feel angry, I am going to get angry. Nor do I have to control my emotions and I should not feel angry. We cannot do that.
Sometimes we just feel in a particular way. But what we can do is not control our emotions or we control our emotions, but rather we choose our response to our emotions. Controlling our emotions means I should not feel this way only.
But choosing our response means I acknowledge I am feeling angry, I acknowledge that I am feeling hurt. At the same time, I have more important things to do in my life. My life is not just meant to be stewing mentally in anger or resentment or depression.
So, let me focus on something important. And this is where spiritual knowledge can be of enormous help to us. Spiritual knowledge helps us understand that we as spiritual beings are bigger than our problems.
No matter how big a problem we are facing, that problem is temporary. Whereas we are eternal beings. We are spiritual and indestructible.
We are souls on a multi-life journey of spiritual evolution. And in this journey of spiritual evolution, we all have gone through many, many problems in the past. We don’t have time, but I would request you later on in the evening, you can do this thought exercise.
Look back at, say, five years in your life. Maybe one, three years before, one six years before, one nine years before, one twelve years before, one fifteen years before. And think of what was the biggest problem you were facing at that time.
At each time, you’ll find there’s a problem. And at that problem, it seemed, you know, if this goes wrong, my whole life will be over. And that problem was there.
The problem has come. Problem has gone. Our life is going on.
So, in each, at all the times in our life, some problem or the other will be there. And the mind will catastrophize the problem. It’s unbearable.
Somebody insults us. How dare they do like this? But by this kind of reflection, if we understand that I am much bigger than my problems, there are many, many problems that have come, many have gone. Then we don’t catastrophize the problem.
We contextualize the problem. Contextualize means, okay, this situation, in this context, this person is unlike this, this made me very angry. But it’s not worth wasting my mental energy.
It’s not worth wasting my life on this. So, contextualize it. And more significantly, what spiritual knowledge tells us, not only are we bigger than our problems, but we have with us this, the infinite being who is bigger than the biggest problems.
So, the process of spirituality is first of all about understanding our own indestructible nature. But it is also about understanding that we are parts of an inexhaustible whole. And that whole has a bigger plan for us.
And even the bad things that happen in our life are a part of the bigger plan. And if we focus not just on getting even with whatever wrong has happened, but we focus on harmonizing with that bigger plan, on connecting with that infinite consciousness, then even these problems that have come, the negative emotions that they have caused within us, rather than stewing on those emotions, we can grow through those situations. We can grow through those very provocations to realize our spirituality and to realize lasting happiness at the spiritual level.
The soul is eternal, the soul is joyful. The supreme soul is also eternal, the supreme soul is also joyful. To the extent we connect with the supreme soul, to that extent we become joyful.
So, for us, if we just learn to connect, how do we connect? There are many different ways. One of the most powerful ways is meditation. Meditation can also be done in different ways.
In the Bhagavad Gita, which teaches the bhakti yoga, the yoga of devotional love, it talks about mantra meditation. It talks about using sound as a tool for guided meditation. So, we chant the mantra Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Ram, Hare Ram, Ram Ram, Hare Hare.
This mantra can be chanted individually in a reflective mood or it can be chanted collectively in a musical meditation. And through both these forms of mantra chanting, we let the sound of the mantra become a guide that raises our consciousness to the spiritual level. That takes us, okay, whatever the situation has happened outside, that has created some reaction inside, but I am not that reaction.
That’s simply one image that has popped up on my inner screen. I am bigger than this. I am the soul.
So, this reminder and this realization comes as we develop ourselves spiritually, both through intellectual understanding and through practical meditation. And when we do these two things, we understand intellectually the dynamics of the inner world and we practice meditation so that we realize ourselves to be spiritual, then we will be able to transcend our emotions. That doesn’t mean the emotions will not be there.
Yes, if somebody treats us unfairly, we will feel angry, but we won’t let that anger consume our consciousness. Yes, that anger has opened up one pop-up window, but rather than just stewing on it, okay, my life is meant for something bigger. My life is not just meant to get even with this person.
Yes, they have done something and I have to respond appropriately to it, but my focus is on living the life that I am meant to live, on doing the things that are truly important for me. And that prioritization will happen better when we don’t get carried away by our emotions. So, we acknowledge the way we feel, that in that sense, the way I feel is the way I feel is true, but we don’t act on our feelings.
The way I feel is not necessarily the way I act. I act not based on my feelings, but I act based on my values. What is it that I truly value? What is important in my life? If I am a student, building my career is important.
This person has spoken like this to me, now getting back at them, that is not that important. This thing has happened, I am just trying to, it’s not that important. So, what is truly important that when we learn to focus on, then the emotions will come, we will acknowledge them, but we will not act on them.
We will act based on our values, which will help us to do justice to our talents, which will enable us to fulfill the destiny that we are meant to fulfill. So, I will summarize what I spoke today. So, I spoke about the way I feel is the way I feel, accepting and transcending our emotions.
Emotions can be understood in three senses, they are reactions to external situations, they can be dispositions which make us react in particular ways, and they can be intentions. So, somebody speaks harshly, I get angry, that is a reaction to external situation. But two people, one of them gets very angry, the other person does not get that angry.
Why? Because the emotion is also like an inclination of the mental floor. This is water flows in the direction where the floor is inclined, consciousness flows in the direction where our mental floor is inclined. For some people, anger is stored as an impression, which makes them act in a particular way.
And then, it is also an intention. That means, I choose to focus on that stimulus that made me angry, and I keep replaying it and that increases my anger more and more. So, we discussed this in two terms, one is satisfaction and another is worry.
Satisfaction is the emotion that we feel, but it is also a decision we make. If I see I got good marks, I can be satisfied. But then if I start looking, oh, this person got better marks than me, I will become dissatisfied.
So, if we look at the things that are right in our life, we will be satisfied. If we look at the things that are wrong in our life, we will be dissatisfied. So, in that sense, satisfaction is also an act of mental discipline.
It is an intention, it is a decision of what we focus on. Same way with respect to worry. Worry is just a natural reaction to uncertainty.
And in all situations in our life, some things are going to be in our control, and many are not going to be in our control. So, in public speaking, for example, how the audience reacts is not in our control, but how we prepare and deliver that is in our control. So, to the extent we focus on what is not in our control, our worry will increase.
To the extent we focus on what is in our control, our worry will decrease. So, worry as a response to uncertainty is unavoidable. But worry as a result of my dwelling constantly on that which is not in my control, that is avoidable.
So, to understand how to manage our emotions better, we took the Gita’s model of the self, that is the body, mind and soul, which is like the hardware, software and user. So, mind is like the software integrator of inputs coming in from the various senses, like a high security shop, where the security center, where the monitor displays the inputs from the closed circuit TVs. So, now if the thieves create a decoy and then sneak in from another side like that, sometimes on our inner screen on the mind, one emotion dominates so much that other things which are more important, which we could do something about, we neglect them.
So, we did the thought experiment that the inner screen is different from the inner seer. The inner seer is the soul and the inner screen is the mind. And what pops up on the inner screen is not in our control, but whether we click on the pop-up is in our control.
So, when life hurts us, that is not in our control. But when we keep dwelling on the hurt, the hurt increases. Whether to dwell on it or not, that is in our control.
And how can we respond in a healthy way to whatever pops up in our inner screen? The first is intellectual understanding that I am not that inner screen. I am the inner seer and I have the power to choose what I focus on the inner screen. The second is spiritual realization.
If I understand that I am a soul who is bigger than the situation, I have gone through many problems in the past, and instead of catastrophizing the problem, let me contextualize them. Then I will be able to better respond naturally. And not only are we bigger than our problems, but that the Supreme who is with us, inside us.
And that higher plan can bring good even out of the bad. So, if we focus on doing our part, on focusing on what is important for us, responding not based on what others are acting, but on what are our values, how can we best contribute and connect with the infinite while promoting our spiritual evolution, then we can go beyond this dichotomy of dialectic of either controlling our emotions or we control our emotions to learning to choose what to focus on, choose which emotion to dwell on, and then we can do justice to our talents and fulfill our destiny. Thank you very much.
Hare Krishna. So, are there any questions or comments? So, can we transform our disposition or do we just transcend our disposition? Transform means it changes or transcend means we rise beyond it. We have to see whatever works.
In some ways, our disposition can definitely be transformed. It’s just like if the floor is inclined in this way and the water is going to flow in this direction. So, if I restructure the floor by which I get the floor inclined in the other direction, the water will flow in the other direction.
So, how do we restructure? So, what shapes our mental floor is the impressions that we put on it. So, if say in my childhood I have been with people who were short tempered, who just yell at each other, or maybe I was with someone who impressed me very much, then that will create those impressions which will make me yell at others whenever there’s problems. But then if I associate with people who are more even tempered, who respond to difficulties with calmness, with maturity, and seeing their example creates positive impressions with me.
So, association is a very powerful agent in changing our inner impressions. Secondly, also if we connect with the infinite, the infinite is known by different names in different traditions. In the Bhakti Yuga tradition, we know the infinite by the name Krishna.
So, when we connect with Krishna, the impressions connected with Krishna are extremely powerful. Say, if a floor board was inclined in this way, and if a heavy object fell on it in this direction, it will get inclined this way. So, similarly, if we impress Krishna on our consciousness, he is a supreme being.
So, our mental floor may be inclined in an unhealthy direction, but if we impress Krishna, then the inclination will change towards healthy. So, that means if we say chant the mantra regularly, hear spiritual wisdom, each of these is creating impressions and that will change the mental floor. So, by association and by spiritual connection, we can change the inclinations, we can change the disposition also.
Okay, thank you. Any other questions? I just have a comment. Yeah, please.
For me, what used to get me totally off track, sometimes I thought it’s eight weeks for me to recover from something, nowadays, I would say it’s one day max, and what has really changed is my faith. Because, like you talked about the plan, the bigger plan, we cannot see the whole picture, but now I know that even though this was devastating for me, well, as soon as I can think clearly again, I remember that this is all a part of a bigger plan, this is a part of Krishna’s plan. So, first of all, like you said, I can contextualize it.
I can see, even though this looked so, so, so bad and so, so wrong for me, actually, it was also orchestrated by Krishna, ultimately, it’s under his control. Therefore, it must be right. It’s not bad, but it feels bad, but ultimately, it is good.
So, that really helps me. Okay. And then the other side of that is that I know Krishna is there, and he takes care of me, whatever happens, no matter how badly I feel, he’s there, he takes care of me.
So, it’s not like I have to go through my struggles on my own, and I don’t feel like I’m just a tiny little object being tossed around by the waves, but when we know Krishna is there, he helps us all the time. It makes the huge situation smaller, you can say. Then I become the little child, and, you know, there’s dad who is almighty, and we all think that’s what we think when we are tiny.
So, that’s, I become the little child, and it’s like, okay, Krishna, you take care of this. That’s true. Thank you.
So, our faith can often help us to take care of things because, you know, it’s a part of Krishna’s plan. Yes, I would just take a couple of points that you made and elaborate. See, everything that happens is not necessarily good, but everything that happens can be for good.
Bad things do happen in life because we all have free will, and sometimes some people may use their free will in a bad way, and if they use their free will in a bad way, that will hurt us. So, when something hurts us terribly, to think that this is good is almost impossible, and it may be unhealthy also. If somebody is abusing us to think that this is good, that may just perpetuate the abuse.
So, it’s not that everything that happens is good, but everything that happens can be for good if we respond properly. So, that understanding that, yes, this bad thing can happen, but even this bad thing, see, that can be integrated into Krishna’s plan. It is not always, it is not that when bad things happen to us because of somebody else acting in the wrong way, sometimes it may be ourselves made an unwise decision because something bad has happened to us.
Now, people’s wrongdoings or our wrongdoings, they are not a part of Krishna’s purpose for us. They are just the result of people’s misuse of their free will. But Krishna’s plan is so inclusive that even those wrongdoings can be adjusted in this plan.
A simple example to illustrate this, say, we came from Denver to here, the Colorado State University. So, now we are using Google maps. So, say, while driving to a particular place by Google map, say, Google says turn left over here and if I turn right, then it’s a mistake.
But Google will immediately recalibrate and give me, okay, from here, now you take a U-turn over here and you come back. Now, if again I take a wrong turn, again Google will recalibrate and will give me the right path. So, even if I take 100 wrong turns, still from that position also, I’ll have a path to my destination.
At the same time, each wrong turn will have its consequence. It will take that much more time for me to get to the destination. But no matter where we are, there is always, so, so it’s not Google, you could say, Google’s purpose is not that we take the wrong turn.
But even if we take a wrong turn, that is included in the plan of Google. Okay, even if you take a wrong turn, now you take a right turn and move on. So, like that, our mistakes are not Krishna’s purpose.
Others’ wrongdoings are not Krishna’s purpose. But Krishna’s plan is so inclusive that even people’s wrongdoings or our mistakes, they can be included. So, it’s only when, say, if I take a wrong turn and I just start beating myself, you fool, why did you take that wrong turn? Why did you do that? Why, why, why? Or suppose somebody, a friend tells us, okay, you know, Google is saying like this, but I know better.
I’ve been here many times. You take this turn. I take that turn.
Why did I listen to that person? Why did he tell me like that? Now, physically, we won’t do that. If I take a wrong turn, I feel a little angry, but I won’t waste my time. Why did I do that? Why did I do that? I’ll take the right turn and again come back on destination.
But because our mental world is subtle, sometimes when we take a wrong turn, we just keep beating ourselves. Why, why, why did I do that? Why did I do that? Why did they do like that? Why did this happen? But if you understand that, Krishna has a plan no matter how many bad things happen. Taking the wrong turn was not necessarily good, but it can be for good.
So, something good can emerge even out of that. So, that way, knowing that there is a bigger purpose, which includes, which is a bigger plan, which includes whatever wrongs may happen in our life, that helps us to stay, stay faithful and stay purposeful. And that way, we won’t beat ourselves up because of life’s problems, but rather we’ll pick ourselves up and move on in the right direction.
Okay, thank you. So, maybe any, any of you, one or two of you would like to express some reflections, something which you felt you could carry home with you and then we’ll stop. Something which you felt was a useful point, which you want to take with you.
Yeah. It’s true. Thank you.
Any one more? Yes, please. I used to talk to my brother a lot about the idea of a circle of influence. He would always focus on things that were outside of his circle of influence.
And, you know, it doesn’t get you anywhere. So, you can kind of focus on the outside to change things, but you can’t focus on the inside. Yeah, it’s true.
Thank you. Yes, please. Just an appreciation of, I’ve been chanting since 1987, but when you translate it into very fresh realization, it’s so easy to blame our past association with influences, why we tend to incline a certain way.
And so, it’s very important that we come into association, it doesn’t keep us going in a destructive way. But, I really like this image, when you said to invite Krishna into our life, I thought especially, because we have in this age, especially the dharma of chanting Krishna’s name, it’s a very powerful image of a graceful force, that kind of shelter-like force, it’s very powerful. I thought, kind of a very fresh appreciation of still going with it, you know, you have a computer and I can give it so much attention.
So, I really appreciate it, that we have this opportunity to really intensively invite this kind of gracious, generous, shelter-like way in the form of Krishna’s name. Thank you. So, there is actually a quote, it says that people cry not because they are weak, but because they are tired of being used for too long.
So, my question is, if we fake our satisfaction, like, okay, such thing has happened, but I still have so many good things in life. Okay, so much more has happened, okay, I still have some good things in life. The feeling of exhaustion comes really, it’s hard when it’s, it might take a few years, it might take a few decades.
How to survive that? Okay, that’s a very good question. Say, if we keep faking our emotions, if we are irritated, but we still try to redirect our thoughts towards what is right in our life, and we try to feel satisfied, but the wrongs keep getting accumulated, and eventually, we just, we just can’t continue. So, as I said, people cry not because they are weak, but because they are tired of acting strong.
That’s why I talk about the difference between suppressing or controlling our emotions and accepting our emotions. We do, we cannot suppress or deny our emotions. We need to accept them.
Say, if we are hurt, say, if I slip and fall, and my hand gets fractured. Now, the fracture on the hand is something which is a fact. I can’t wish away that fracture, but I can choose.
If I keep thinking, oh, my hand is fractured, my hand is fractured, my hand is fractured, that will make things worse. If I deny my hand is fractured and still try to work and lift my weights, it’s going to ruin me. But if I keep dwelling on it, then, okay, my other hand is good, I can do something with the other hand, and this will heal on its own.
So, with respect to emotions, we could say, when bad things happen, they scar us. So, now, say, when I was a child, somebody just lit a firecracker, a rocket, and it just came and hit me on my face. So, I got the scar permanently on my face.
Now, the scar, like that, sometimes, life’s wounds may scar us emotionally. So, now, when the scar is there, we can’t deny it. It is there.
But we can choose whether I focus on the scar or I focus on something else. And over a period of time, when the wound is, say, fresh, it hurts. So, at that time, we have to distance ourselves.
Let me look at the positives in my life. I’m not denying this wound is there, I’m scarred, but let me focus on the good things in my life. But over a period of time, when we have regained our mental composure, we have to re-examine the event and then process whatever has happened.
So, it’s like, as long as the wound is fresh, it hurts. After the wound heals, the scar may still be there, but it won’t hurt that much. So, we cannot, sometimes we say, somebody has hurt us, just forget, just forgive and forget.
Well, forgiving is possible, forgetting is not that easy. Why? Because they acted in a particular way. I may not hold it against them now.
I’m not going to keep an agenda that I’m going to get back at you. Whatever you did, it’s okay, it’s a part of the past, I’ll leave it. But forgetting is not so easily possible.
And sometimes it may not be desirable also. Because somebody has hurt us in a particular way, we don’t want to hurt them back. But we don’t want to be foolish and put ourselves in a vulnerable position where they will hurt us again.
So, what happens is, forgiving creates a fresh way of remembering. When we are not forgiven, we are emotionally fixated in that. They did like this, how dare they do like this? I’m going to show them, I’m going to get back at them.
So, all that emotional fixation is there on it. A lot of emotional energy is choked with it. But then I forgive.
Now, whatever the reason they did it, it’s a past chapter of my life. I have moved on and I don’t want let this to keep me stuck in the past. So, I let go of it and I move on.
So, then forgiving allows the wound to heal. And then, when the scar is fresh and raw, just touching it also causes a lot of pain. But if it is just healed, the scar will be there, but there is no pain over there at that time.
So, similarly for us, if we dwell on the negativity, that is going to aggravate us. If we deny it, that is also going to aggravate things. But if we direct our consciousness elsewhere, so that we become calmer.
Like amidst problems, we look at the positives and make ourselves calmer. And then we process the problem. We learn from it.
We grow through it. Then it won’t be just like one problem piling on after another, another, another. It’s like sometimes one person makes us angry, we tolerate it.
Second person makes us angry, we tolerate it. And then by the time 10th person does a small thing, boom, there is an explosion. Hey, what happened? What did I do? It is nothing that you did.
It was what 10 people earlier had done. It all accumulated and it exploded. So, what happens is we need to have some time when we rejuvenate ourselves and process life’s events.
So, processing basically means getting our emotions to be released from that place where they are choked. So, how do we do that? We have to use our intelligence, analyze, maybe spiritualize our consciousness and then let go of it. So, if we let go of the wrongs, then they won’t keep accumulating.
Then each event will be one. This event is over, this event is over, this event is over. Then rather than saying that, oh, you know, 10 things went wrong and now 11th thing has gone wrong.
How can I know? I can’t bear it. But we’ll see. See, 10 things went wrong at the end.
I went through all of them. It’s 11th also, I can go through it. So, if we see those 10 events as linear events, sequential events, which happened and we dealt with them.
Then we can deal with the 11th also. But if we don’t process those 10 events, then they become not sequential but cumulative. And then when the 11th event happens, we can’t bear it.
So, processing of what is happening in life helps us to prevent the emotional tension from getting piled up. And this is where spiritual knowledge, especially studying wisdom texts like the Bhagavad Gita, gives us the intellectual resources by which we can properly process life’s events. Thank you.
So, thank you very much for your participation and attention. Hare Krishna.