We may be hurt but we don’t have to stay hurt

[Sunday feast class at ISKCON, Mira Road, Mumbai, India]

Video:

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
I’m grateful to be here amongst all of you and thanks to Krishna Prabhu for kindly engaging me in some service.
The words he spoke about me, I see them as his encouragement and slowly I try to be of some service to him. I don’t know if he has learned anything from me, but I have learned how to always be very considerate, cultured and caring towards others from him. I’m grateful for his ongoing association.
So, I will speak today on a topic which I have repeatedly experienced during my travels in America as well as in India. The title is that life may hurt us, but we don’t have to stay hurt. Life may hurt us, but we don’t have to stay hurt.
What I mean by this topic is that many people go through life and go through a lot of pain. Many people, especially in the western world and the westernized world, may have very traumatic upbringings where maybe one parent was not there or their parents separated or they grow up and they don’t have any stable relationships and a lot of people do some psychoanalysis and think, you know, why am I like the way I am right now? You know, this happened to me in my childhood, this happened to me in my childhood, this happened to me in the past because of which I am like this. So, life has hurt all of us.
It is just the way the life is. In the 18th chapter of the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna talks about determination in the three modes. 18.33 to 18.35, he talks about determination and there he says in 18.35, determination in the mode of ignorance.
What is this? Normally we think of determination as something very positive, holding on to something when it is difficult to hold on. But determination in the mode of ignorance means we hold on to things even when they are unproductive, even when they are destructive. So, what are the kinds of things? Some people just keep day dreaming.
I’ll do this, I’ll do that, I’ll do that, but they never do anything practical. Bhayam means, oh, what if this goes wrong? What if that goes wrong? What if that goes wrong? Constantly fearful. Shokam.
Shokam is lamenting. Oh, you know, this went wrong in my life, that went wrong in my life. Life is so bad.
Vishadam. Vishadam is moroseness. Lamentation is about some specific thing that has gone wrong.
Moroseness is just habitual negativity. Anything you propose to some people, they’ll always find problems. This will not work, this will not work.
What will work? Nothing will work. Habitually morose. It’s almost as if sometimes if you come into a place, it’s very crowded, it’s very hot, you start feeling like sweating.
So, some people almost like radiate negativity. As soon as you go in their presence, you feel as if your energy is sucked out. As Oscar Wilde said, some people bring happiness wherever they go.
And some people bring happiness whenever they go. So, Vishadam. Some people are just like that.
And then, Madamevacham. Madam means intoxication. Some people may become alcoholics.
Of course, alcoholism is only one kind of intoxication. It can be of many different kinds. But, Navimunchati Durmedha.
Navimunchati. They don’t give it up. Durmedha.
Their intelligence is misdirected. This is intelligence. This is determination in the mode of ignorance.
What this means is that when things go wrong in our life, they hurt us. Somebody whom we trust, they betray us. They backstab us.
Something which we have put a lot of time and effort and energy in doing, suddenly just crumbles. It hurts us. So, we all get hurt in life.
That’s just unavoidable. But, what do we do after we get hurt? Now, to understand this, let’s compare a physical, emotional wound with a physical wound. Now, suppose, say, I got a fracture in my hand.
Now, if I have a fracture, I can’t immediately start lifting my hand and doing normal functions with the hand. I have to give time for recovery. Similarly, sometimes we may get emotionally wounded.
Emotionally wounded means at some place where we had invested a lot of emotions. And there, instead of getting joy or love or security, we get pain. Emotions are subtle, but they are real.
A few months or a few years ago, there was this India-Pakistan cricket final, World Champions Trophy. There was one boy who told me, he said that India was expected to win, but India lost and lost very badly. So, he said, after that, for three nights, I could not sleep.
I just couldn’t sleep. I said, the cricketers probably went to sleep. Why couldn’t you sleep? It is because the emotions are locked over there.
The emotions have got not just invested, they got trapped over there. So, basically, wherever we put in our emotions, we do it in the hope that we will get pleasure. But then, we may even get pain.
Suppose, say, India loses in the final of hockey or football. If we are not so invested in that, then that will not hurt us much. In the Bhagavad Gita, in 13.21, it is said, kāryakāraṇa-karutrutve, he tuh prakṛtir ucyate, puruṣaḥ sukha-duḥkhāṇāṁ bhoktrutve he tuh ucyate.
That action and reaction, the events that happen in the world, they happen by the laws of material nature. They happen by the material nature’s arrangement. But the joy and pain that we experience, that is because of the investment of our consciousness in those things.
So, if consciousness is not invested in cricket, if their team loses, what’s the big deal? But somebody whose consciousness is invested in cricket, they will find an ambience. So, now, at that time, come on, cricket is nothing, no big thing. Why are you getting so worked up about it? Yeah, their losing a cricket match may not be a big thing.
But for them, it is a big thing. Why? Because their consciousness is, they put their consciousness over there, and then it has become locked over there. It has become locked over there.
So, it’s, whenever we put our consciousness in something, in the hope of gaining pleasure, then if the opposite, we paragya, pain comes, we can’t immediately take our consciousness out of there. We cannot, it cannot be that if India wins the cricket match, I will dance and sing and celebrate. And if India loses the cricket match, I’m detached.
I don’t care about cricket. No, it won’t work like that. I’m never going to watch a cricket match again.
I’m frustrated with this. But frustration is also an emotion, but we are still locked in it. So, now, why I’m talking, I said that we’ll compare physical, we will try to understand emotional hurts by comparing with physical hurts.
So, physical hurt, if somebody’s got a fracture, we all understand it’s a fracture. Now, I can’t expect you to lift big weights. You can’t expect me to lift big weights if I got a fracture.
But emotional wounds are invisible. They’re real, but they’re invisible. And another thing is that the same incident may hurt one person a lot and not hurt another person, depending on how much their emotion was invested.
So, cricket match being lost, some people get terribly distressed by that, some others, okay, chalta hai. Similarly, with respect to life, all of us are differently invested in different things. And when those things go wrong, we feel, we feel very troubled, sometimes shattered.
So, if we are emotionally wounded, if life wounds us emotionally, whether it is people betraying us or just things going wrong, or sometimes even we ourselves doing something wrong. Broadly speaking, the hurts at an emotional level can happen from three ways. One is somebody does something to us, because of which we feel hurt.
We expected something and they did just the opposite. The other is just by the course of nature itself. We, something just terrible goes wrong.
We invested money somewhere and then everything was got lost. Somehow the stock market crashed. So, I was in Canada.
And there they say that Canada and America are so close to each other that if somebody sneezes in America, somebody in Canada gets a cold. They’re so economically dependent on each other. And that they have been very close friends.
But now, there’s an increasing hostility between the two countries. So, what had happened there, many Indians had gone from here to Canada. And they had, they had done the education and a big plan.
And suddenly, and Canada has a big mineral industry, where they extract. And suddenly things went wrong. And the whole mineral industry collapsed.
And people who had built their whole career just lost everything. And sometimes it’s just beyond what we can do. So, that people had their houses, but they did not have the mortgage to pay their houses.
So, just left the houses and went away. The houses are there as it is, but they have no mortgage to pay. So, many people sometimes by the course of life itself, terrible things happen to us.
And third is, sometimes we ourselves may make a mistake. And then when we make a mistake, we beat ourselves up. Oh, why did I trust this person? Why did I choose this career? Why did I do this? And usually what happens in every one of our lives, when we have made a mistake, and we are beating ourselves up, there are some people in our life who help us beat ourselves more.
See, I told you this. So, actually, there is, there’s practically no greater joy for the ego, than to tell someone, I had told you. Ego gets such a great joy.
See, you were wrong, I was right, I told you, if you had only listened to me. Now, it’s the past, it’s over. But some people, if somebody were beating themselves physically, nobody would take the stick and beat themselves up, along with the beat.
Don’t do that physically. But often emotionally people do that. And when that happens, sometimes we have made a mistake.
But the nature of life is, sometimes a small mistake can lead to a big complication. I mean, we just go and decide to eat at some place, and there it happens with food poisoning. If only I had not eaten that place, I would have been sober, nothing would have gone wrong.
But then it just happened, a small mistake. So, what happens in either of these cases, whether it’s others doing something wrong, the world nature itself working out in a particular, in a inimical way, or we ourselves doing something foolish. But in this case, we become hurt.
And then these hurts have to be acknowledged. Yes, I’m hurt, just as the physical injury, I cannot lift up my arm and do various activities. Similarly, I need some time for emotional recovery.
But at the same time, just because if I was fractured, if I had a fracture 10 years ago, if I say still, I will not lift up my hand. There is a time when the hand will need to be rested for it to be recovered. And there is a time when the hand needs to be exercised to be recovered.
Just as much as rest is necessary for recovery, exercise is also necessary. Similarly, when there is emotional wound, there is rest that is necessary, and exercise that is necessary. And people often get caught in one or two of these, both the phases are required.
But people get caught in not doing, sometimes some people think, nothing is the problem, I’ll just go on. No problem at all. Some people like to act tough.
But yeah, we don’t want to carry our emotions on a sleeve and tell everyone. But if we are hurt, we are hurt, we need time to recover. Sometimes it may happen, you just tell someone, can you just pick this up and put it there? And they suddenly boom, they explode.
You’re always finding fault, you’re lagging. What happened? It was a simple request. But what had happened, they had many things going on wrong in their life.
And they were bottling it all down, and bottling it all down. And our simple request, it just blew the lid off. It’s like one thing goes wrong.
See, all of us have some capacity for tolerance. So one thing goes wrong, we tolerate. Second thing goes wrong, we tolerate.
Third thing tolerate. Tenth thing goes wrong, we tolerate. But now our limit is reached.
And when the 11th thing goes wrong, and all the accumulated frustration of the previous 10 comes out here. And this person says, what did I do? So if they had acknowledged before, yes, now I got frustrated, I need to process my emotions, I need to deal with this. So if we don’t acknowledge our emotional wounds, they don’t go away.
Like if I got a fracture, and I still keep keep exercising my hands, I might be able to still keep working with a small fracture, but it will keep getting worse and worse and worse. So sometimes, we might just cover up our emotional wounds and go on with life. But we can’t go on for very long.
We will eventually explode. Actually, the Mahabharata describes the character of Duryodhana. And Duryodhana had a deep rooted insecurity.
And that insecurity came out as envy for him. When initially, Pandu had gone to the forest, although Yudhishthira was born before Duryodhana, slightly before Duryodhana. But Yudhishthira, there was no knowledge whether the Pandavas will ever come back to the kingdom or not.
So everybody treated Duryodhana like he was going to become the next king. He was the prince. And he was pampered.
And he had what we can call an entitlement mentality. So I deserve respect. I deserve privilege.
And then, when the Pandavas came back, because Pandu passed away, at that time, just firstly, because they were all new, so all the courtiers, all the citizens, all the elders in the family started paying more attention. What is new children? And not only were they new, but also they were much more cultured. All of us, especially the kind of people we associate with during our formative years, that shapes who we become.
So the Pandavas lived in the forest. And there they associated primarily with Brahmanas. And thus, if you see, Yudhishthira was the eldest among the Pandavas.
So he lived among the Brahmanas the most. And thus, you see, he is the most Brahminical among the Pandavas. Although Bhima was quite belligerent, but still, they overall had that Brahminical charm to them.
That Brahminical culture, Brahminical sweetness, Brahminical respectfulness. And naturally, when they found Yudhishthira, Duryodhana was pampered and spoiled and demanding and condescending. Whereas Yudhishthira was so gentle, respectful, cultured, polite.
So naturally, people started getting attracted to Yudhishthira. And Duryodhana just couldn’t bear it. He says, how dare you? I am entitled to attention.
How is everybody else getting that attention? How is this person getting that attention? At least he had the consolation, Yudhishthira is not a great warrior. I am stronger than you. But then, what the first Pandava did not have, the second Pandava had intercludes.
The second Pandava was who? Who was the second Pandava? Bhima, yes. Bhima was so strong, that sometimes, all the gurus and Pandavas, they would play in lakes. And just out of fun, Bhima would just pick up anyone who came in his hand and throw them away.
And here, Duryodhana had this pride, I am the prince. And he found Bhima picked him up and threw him away. He felt unbearably incited.
Bhima had no allies in his heart. But, that insecurity led to envy. And then that led to all the plots that he was making.
So, the ways he tried to kill the Pandavas, he tried to dishonor Draupadi. That his attempt to dishonor Draupadi was not just out of lust. It was also out of power.
You think you are more powerful than me? I will show you what I can do. So, basically, when somebody has deep rooted insecurity, that insecurity is not addressed. That insecurity comes out as aggressiveness.
And they try to cover it up. Some people, when they are weak, they admit that they are weak. But some people, they are weak, they cover up the weakness by excessive show of strength, by aggressiveness.
So, that’s what Dhritarashtra also tried to tell him. But Duryodhana never had respect for Dhritarashtra. Dhritarashtra told him, see, why do you compare yourself with Yudhishthira? What are you lacking? You have a flourishing kingdom.
You have servants. You have courtiers. You have, he has only four brothers following him.
You have 99 brothers who are following him. He said, what are you lacking? Why do you need to compare yourself? But he never, advice can be accepted only when we respect the source of the advice. Otherwise, especially with respect to personal matters.
If somebody whom we don’t trust as a doctor, if they tell us take this medicine, so why should I take it? Somebody whom we don’t trust on financial matters, if they tell us invest your money over here, why should we do that? So, he felt Dhritarashtra was a very weak person. So, this is another irony of relationships. Sometimes, we want to please the other person.
We want to help the other person. But the more we try to please them, the more they see it as a sign of our weakness. And the more they start taking us for granted.
So, Dhritarashtra, he in some ways was himself vicious, but more or less is wise, was not so much greed as attachment. He also had a craving for kingdom, but he had some guilty conscience. How can I treat the Pandavas like this? But Dhritarashtra simply moved him around.
So, Dhritarashtra had no figure whom he respected and who was virtuous. Unfortunately, he had Shakuni in his life. And Shakuni simply increased his envy.
It’s what happened, he had insecurity which led to envy. And Shakuni gave him ways to act on that envy. Shakuni gave him, you can do this, you can do that, you can do that.
And that way he was lost. So, actually, if we are emotionally wounded, if we just see in terms of his own situation, he was powerful, he had a family, he had people who loved him or respected and followed him, he could have recovered. But he made his reference point comparing with Dhritarashtra.
And that made impossible for him to be satisfied. In today’s world, especially in the western world and in the westernized world, there is huge amount of mental health problems. Millions and millions of people take mental health medicines.
Before 1960s, there was no such medicine like an antidepressant or a tranquilizer. Antidepressant helps us overcome depression. Tranquilizer helps us decrease anxiety.
Before 1960s, there was no such medicine. And now, these two medicines, antidepressants and tranquilizers are the single most over-the-counter medicines in the western world. Millions and millions and millions of dollars are spent on it.
There is one survey which said that the amount of money that Americans spend on antidepressants and tranquilizers, that money can be used to feed all the hungry people of the world. Now, when we are saying that people are spending so much money, it is. Is it that in the past, the world was very… now stress has increased, anxiety has increased.
In the past, it was not there. This world is always a distressful place. It’s always.
Yes, in some ways, we could say anxiety has increased. But in some ways, it’s not true. In the past, there were invaders who would come and kingdoms would get plundered sometimes.
We don’t live constantly in the threat of loss of life. So, actually, the mind gets more agitated. Because, you know, all of us have got unhealthy reference points.
So, Duryodhana made the reference point of his self-worth was Yudhishthira. If I am better than Yudhishthira, I am successful. If I am lower than Yudhishthira, my life is useless.
I saw an ad of a car. It showed a young man driving a car with a young girl looking at him admiringly. And then behind another young man glaring at him in envy.
And the ad said, buy this car and enjoy the envy in your neighbor’s eyes. Enjoy the envy in your neighbor’s eyes. This is a tragic level of enjoyment.
So, it is not even enjoy the pleasure of driving the car. It is enjoy the envy that you can create in someone else’s eyes. And then what happens if they get a better car than you, then they enjoy the envy in your eyes.
So, it’s basically what has happened in today’s world that because of the media, because of the interconnectedness of the world through technology, because of the entertainment that is accessible to us. So, we all have got unhealthy reference points. That means we are comparing ourselves with someone who is very good looking, someone who is very wealthy, someone who is very smart.
And comparing with them, we feel insecure. Now, everything else that we do is somehow caught, I have to prove this, I have to do this, I have to do this. And that shapes our whole life.
So, the emotional wound is that unhealthy comparison. And as long as that is not dealt with, everything else that people do is not going to help. They may do it, they may achieve it, but still there is not much satisfaction.
So, one is to not understand the wound at all, to not process or recover, let the wound recover. The second is to stay wounded and to not exercise for recovery. Not exercise for recovery means, as I said, if I got a fracture, then I have to give that hand time to him.
But after that, I need to exercise my hand. Similarly, for us, we all go, we all do wrong things and bad things happen to us, every one of us. But we have to move on in life.
Sometimes one incident becomes people’s defining incident. This happened with me and that has ruined my life forever. If you think happens, then if we consider our mind, it is like an inner screen, a screen inside us.
And on that mind, various things are being displayed. So, right now, for example, you’re hearing this class, you’re looking at me. So, the mind is meant to act like a camera, like a window, which shows what I’m speaking, what is happening in this room.
But sometimes, the mind starts acting like a TV. It just goes off somewhere else. If we go off now towards Prasad, or today is Ekadashi, what would be the Ekadashi Prasad today? This is a little good.
If that is there, not so good. If this is there, last time it was very well. When was the last time that I ate it? So, one image comes up and it starts a whole movie over there.
And we get lost in that. Now, in some movies, some things, if some scenes are very good, or the sports matches, some shots are very good, then there’s a replay of that. When India won the World Cup, maybe 7-8 years ago.
So, at that time, the winning shot by the Indian captain, that is one of the most replayed YouTube clips on YouTube. But sometimes, something is very good, we may replay it again and again and again and again. But unfortunately, our mind replays not just the pleasant things, sometimes it keeps replaying even the unpleasant things.
Again and again, oh, this happened, this happened, this happened, this happened. Okay, it happened, now move on with life. No, but it happened to me, it happened to me, it happened to me.
What happens? If this replay keeps going on and on and on, then we stay locked in the past. In Mahabharata, Vyasadeva tells Yudhishthir, after Abhimanyu is killed. Yudhishthir is a very sensitive person.
He, he actually, after Abhimanyu is killed, he feels more, we could say in one sense, more pain than what Arjuna also feels. Arjuna feels pain because his own son has been killed. But Yudhishthir feels pain because he feels, I was responsible.
We know the whole story. On the 13th day of the Kurukshetra war, Kauravas formed a Chakravyuh. And actually, on the 10th day when Bhishma fell, on the 11th day, Drona became the commander.
And it was expected that because Karna was not there as long as Bhishma was there in the war field. So, as soon as Karna would come, Karna would be made into the commander. So, and Duryodhana did offer Karna the commandership.
But then Karna said that Drona is your teacher and he will be fighting faithfully for you, so make him the commander. Karna felt that people would not respect his authority. And Drona had been resenting the possibility that he would have to obey Karna.
It is like in a cricket team, if you make a junior player into a captain. And the seniors, they have become very resentful. So, when Drona got that honor, Drona was very pleased.
And he said, O king, I am pleased with this honor you have bestowed on me. I would like to do something for you. What do you want? So, he said, please arrange to have Yudhishthir arrested and brought in front of me, bound.
So, Drona’s eyes opened wide. He said, O, Ajat Shatru, Yudhishthir is such an Ajat Shatru that even you don’t want to kill him. You want him to be arrested and brought alive.
Drona was okay with that. He said, after fighting for 10 days, I have understood that Bhima and Arjuna together cannot be defeated. If we kill Yudhishthir, they will go mad and they will destroy our entire army.
My plan is, if you arrest Yudhishthir and get him in front of me, I will challenge him for another gambling match. And Shakuni will defeat him and will send him to the forest again for 13 years. So, Drona said, you will never learn.
So, then Drona told him that among the Pandavas, I can defeat anyone. But Arjuna, although he is my student, he has equalled me in every way and he has the advantage of youth over me. So, if Arjuna comes in the way, I will not be able to arrest Yudhishthir.
So, then they arranged the Susharma and the Trigartas, one division in their army. So, they every day challenged Arjuna. And on the 11th day, Drona tried to his best capacity.
He almost had Yudhishthir. He had broken his chariot, broken his armor, broken his weapons, killed him. But at that time, Arjuna got the news and Arjuna came rushing back over there.
12th day also something similar happened. On both days, they could not arrest Yudhishthir. So, then finally, Drona said that, now you get Arjuna out of the way and I will form a Chakravyuha.
The Chakravyuha was formed primarily to capture Yudhishthir. And then Abhimanyu was the only person who knew how to break the Chakravyuha. And the plan was he would break in and the Pandavas would follow, other remaining Pandavas.
But somehow Jaidrath came in the way. And Abhimanyu was trapped and Abhimanyu was killed. So, at that time, Yudhishthir felt enormous guilt.
A king is meant to protect his citizens. And what about his biggest citizen? Abhimanyu was just a 16 year old lad. And he said, I send him into the jaws of death.
What a terrible thing to do. So, he was beating himself up with guilt. And at that time, because of that guilt, he said, I will break into the Kaurava ranks and I will avenge Abhimanyu or I will lay down my life.
And he started charging his chariot. This was late in the evening. At that time, Vyasadev came.
And Vyasadev went. Although Yudhishthir was very distressed, but Vyasadev, seeing him, he calmed down. He got off his chariot and offered obeisances.
And he poured out his heart to Vyasadev. Vyasadev consoled him. And that’s a very beautiful section.
I won’t go into that whole section. But the important point over here is that at that time, Vyasadev says that lamentation achieves nothing except to sap the energy of the lamenter. Lamentation achieves nothing except to sap the energy of the lamenter.
So, what has happened in the past has already happened. We can’t do anything about it. When we are lamenting, what we are doing essentially is we are fighting a battle that is already lost.
Suppose, India fought against China in 1961-65 or something like that. And we got a bloody nose at that time. We say we lost the battle.
Oh, why did we lose the battle? Why did we lose the battle? Why did we lose the battle? That battle is over now. Now play the next battle. Now life is going to go on.
So, if some soldier who is fighting a war keeps thinking why did I lose that battle? Why did I lose that battle? If a player is playing, say, a series of matches and they lost one match and the next match is going on, now play the next match. Don’t keep thinking I lost that match, I lost that match, I lost that match. So, what happens when we are lamenting? If somebody just stays locked in the past, then they don’t exercise.
Oh, this person betrayed me. Therefore, I will never, I will never, I will never trust anyone else in my life. I will never trust anyone else.
Well, all that will happen is you will stay lonely throughout your life. Yes, people can betray us. Like that, anything can go wrong.
We may eat food and we may get food poisoning. But because of that, I start thinking I will never eat food again. Well, we will not live only.
So, yes, we have to learn from our experience and we have to become a little more cautious. But we have to move on. So, there is a time required for healing.
And then there is a time necessary for healing. We may need to rest for some time, but then we need to exercise also. So, all of us, we may have some wounds in the past, which may have hurt us.
And we need to outgrow those hurts. And the process of bhakti offers us the healthiest way to outgrow our hurts. How does it do that? Bhakti is not just about chanting Hare Krishna, coming to a temple, or say, reciting the Bhagavad Gita.
The essence of bhakti is redefining our identity and our purpose. The essence of bhakti is redefining our identity and our purpose. Redefining our identity means that understanding I am a soul who is a servant of Krishna.
We have various identities in life. I may have identity as I am a preacher. You may have identity as you are an engineer or you are a businessman, you are a housewife, you are a mother, you are a temple leader, you are a counselor.
We have various identities in this world. So, we could say that we have many functional identities. As per the functions that we do in life, we have many functional identities.
But below all these functional identities, we have a fundamental identity. The fundamental identity is that we are souls who are servants of Krishna. And all our functional identities are services to Krishna.
So, to redefine our identity means to understand that I am a soul who is a servant of Krishna. And to redefine our purpose means my purpose is to serve Krishna. So, if somebody has betrayed us, then what do we do? We define ourselves in terms of particular relationship and say that relationship does not work out.
I go in colleges in India as well as America. And big problem in colleges everywhere is that many young people commit suicide. In fact, I met one devotee who works as a suicide helpline council.
That means when people are about to commit suicide, they make a phone call and say, I am about to commit suicide. And then this person has to speak something by which it will deter them from committing suicide. So, it is a very difficult task.
If you cannot deter, the person will end their life. So, broadly speaking, now, of course, there are many reasons why people commit suicide. But generally, among Indians, both in India and America, the primary reason why students commit suicide is because they fail in their academic performance.
There is a lot of expectations and when the expectations do not work out, they feel, oh, what will I do? Now, when Americans, Americans means, I mean, America is a melting pot of many, many cultures, but Caucasians, white Americans, when they commit suicide, it is primarily because they had some relationship and the relationship got frustrated. They were in a relationship with a boy, was in a relationship with a girl, a girl was in a relationship with a boy. Now, of course, as I said, these are broad patterns.
Indians may also commit suicide because of frustrated love. And Americans may also commit suicide because of some frustrated career. But they do not take the career that seriously that they will commit suicide because of that.
Well, I will do something and I will work on. But anyway, the point I am making over here is, either way, that we may have a particular identity. Say my identity is, I am a child of so and so.
Or my identity may be that I am a partner of so and so. My identity may be, okay, I am this profession. And sometimes, life may bring us to a place where that identity is shattered.
That means, I think I am a student who is going to make a career and suddenly I fail an exam. What am I living for? Who am I? So, this devotee who was in the Suicide Helpline Council, he told me that he got a call from one girl after she had committed suicide. Not that her ghost called, but that after she took the suicide pills, then she called.
And she called at that time, somehow they had a good ambulance coverage. The ambulance reached in time and they saved her. And then they asked her, why did she commit suicide? So, she had been in a relationship with a boy and she had called that boy.
And the boy didn’t pick up her phone. And just because of that she committed suicide. I said, what is this? The boy didn’t pick up your phone? What is the big deal? But, we don’t know.
See, like I said earlier, you may speak one thing, but if that person has got 10 things going on earlier, the 11th just becomes a lid that explodes. So, she had a deep rooted insecurity in her. So, he didn’t pick up my phone.
That means, he doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe he is with someone else. Oh, maybe he has left me.
In future also if I form some relationships. Oh, he will also leave me. I will be alone throughout my life.
All my friends will be in happy relationships. I will be lonely. They will all have pity on me.
What is the use of pity? Such a pitiable life. Better I end my life now. So, from one unanswered phone call, what happened? One becomes suicidal.
It’s all because one does not have emotional security. So, if we understand that I am a soul as a servant of Krishna and Krishna is always with me, whether I succeed in my career or not, whether I succeed in my relationships or not, whatever may go wrong in my life, Krishna is always with me. And if by the practice of bhakti we can get that conviction that my defining identity is I am a servant of Krishna.
My defining purpose is to serve Krishna. As a service to Krishna, I may form relationships in this world. As a service to Krishna, I may take up some careers and do some professional work in this world.
As a service to Krishna, I may do various things. If those roles don’t work out, still I remain a servant of Krishna. That’s why bhakti is about changing our foundational identity.
And to the extent we internalize this, whatever happens, Krishna, you are my lord, I am your servant. When we have this, then we may be hurt from the past, but we won’t let ourselves stay hurt. We won’t let that replay keep going on and on.
We’ll acknowledge I am hurt and I need some time for recovery. And then how much time, that will vary from person to person. But bhakti can help us in both the resting phase and the exercising phase.
In the resting phase, instead of just feeling sorry for ourselves, what we can do is we can try to intensify our bhakti. Do something in devotion that we can connect with. Maybe it is kirtan, maybe it is hearing some classes, maybe doing some particular service.
This is a circle of what we like to do. This is circle of bhakti. Find out where the two intersect.
And do that. Like music? Just hear some music. Play some music.
You like some Sanskrit verses? Just recite. Whatever it is. When we do that, the healing will happen.
Because what happens when something goes wrong, the mind thinks everything has gone wrong. But everything has not gone wrong. Just one thing has gone wrong.
It is a problem, but it is not the end of the world. So when we can connect with Krishna, when we can remember Krishna, when we can feel security in the remembrance of Krishna, then that calms us down. It is not that big a problem.
See, we may have to live with pain, but we don’t have to live in pain. We may have to live with pain. Somebody has got a back pain, they have to live with it.
But they don’t have to constantly, oh, I have got a back pain, I have got a back pain, I have got a back pain. No, okay, whenever the back pain comes, let’s deal with it. We have to live with it.
So we can’t wish away our hurts. The hurts are there. But we don’t have to keep replaying it again and again.
So when we connect with Krishna through the practice of bhakti, we have to understand things are still right. Krishna is still there. Remembrance of Krishna still gives me security.
It still gives me shelter. It still gives me satisfaction. Let me move on.
And even in the exercising phase, what happens? We may say, how can I trust this person? How can I trust anyone again? How can I even trust myself? I made such a big mistake. But no, we are not just trusting that person or this person or the world at large. Ultimately, we are trusting Krishna.
We are servants of Krishna and we are meant to serve Krishna. So as a service to Krishna, I will do this. Even if it doesn’t work out, I’ll find Krishna will give me something else to do.
So if we keep seeing things only in horizontal terms, no, okay, I did this, but this went wrong. If I do this, this will also go wrong. But if we see not in horizontal terms, but in vertical terms, I’m doing this as a service to Krishna.
And even if the external result doesn’t come up, still my service to Krishna will go on. And if we have that attitude, then we will do things intelligently and diligently. Intelligent means before we take it up, we will evaluate it.
Should I do this? Should I not do it? We won’t just foolishly rush into things. But when we do it, we’ll do it diligently. And that way, every one of us can recover from whatever hurts life may have sent our way.
The process of bhakti is meant to heal us internally. Heal us ultimately spiritually, but spiritual healing can also lead to emotional healing. Our mind, whatever wounds it has sustained, they don’t have to keep hurting us lifelong.
If we direct our mind towards Krishna and make Him the basis of our identity and purpose, then we can outgrow our hurts. Whatever life may have hurt us, we’ll go beyond it. And we may still have to live in pain because of whatever has happened in the past.
We may still have to live with the pain, but we don’t have to live in pain. Because by the connection with Krishna, we get higher security and happiness. Krishna says, if you become conscious of me, you will pass over all obstacles by my grace.
So I’ll summarize. I spoke today on the topic of, we may be hurt, but we don’t have to stay hurt. I started by talking about how many people are terribly emotionally hurt because of bad upbringings, bad relationships, or bad crisis in their life.
Our hurts may come because people may betray us, or the world itself may hand out an adversity to us, or we ourselves may make some terrible mistakes. But whatever we hurt, we can outgrow it. And to understand that, we compare the emotional wounds to physical wounds.
One difference between the two is that emotional wounds are invisible. And secondly, emotional wounds are relative. So the same thing may not hurt one person at all, it may hurt another person a lot, because they’re emotionally invested in it.
It’s like a cricket match, they’ll shatter the ball. So depending on where we have invested our emotional relationship in a profession, in a project, if that goes wrong, that will hurt us. So if my hand is fractured, then there are two phases.
First is resting. And second is exercise. So similarly, with respect to our emotional wounds, we need to have both these phases.
That emotional wound has happened, and that’s because usually we have a wrong reference point for our self-worth. That’s why we are so disturbed by it. So I took the example of Duryodhana.
He had an entitlement mentality, because of which when he found Yudhishtira was better than him, he couldn’t bear it. And that came out of his envy and his plotting danger. So we also may be unhealthily comparing ourselves with someone else.
And that’s why the emotional wound may be too much. So if we just deny that we are wounded and act as if everything is normal, then what will happen? The emotional wound is still there, and it will lead to an explosion sooner or later, in a very ugly way. Then the other phase is that if we rest, but we never exercise.
Like whatever past experience is there, we just live in that, and never venture out. Then we deprive ourselves. The Mahabharata says that lamentation achieves nothing except to sap the energy of the lamenter.
So we need to move on. That happened in the past, let’s move on ahead and back. Life moves on, let us move on ourselves.
And we discussed how bhakti can help us to do both. Bhakti is essentially about changing our defining identity and purpose. We have various identities based on our functional roles in life.
But our fundamental identity is that we are servants of Krishna. And no matter what particular services go wrong, what relationships go wrong, what professions go wrong, what is right always is Krishna is with us. So to the extent by our bhakti practice we become situated in our defining identity, to that extent we can recover from our wounds.
So during the resting phase, rather than simply feeling sorry for ourselves, we connect with Krishna by finding the intersection between our circle of interest and the circle of bhakti. And then we may have to live with the pain, but we won’t live in pain. And then when we start resuming our activities, our relationship, our profession, how can we trust others, trust the world, trust ourselves, ultimately we trust Krishna.
I am your servant and as a service to Krishna we move forward. One step, second step, intelligently and diligently. And by doing this, by connecting with Krishna in our identity and our purpose, we can outgrow all our life’s hurts by Krishna’s grace.
Thank you very much. So, are there any questions or comments? Yes, sir. Sir, just comparing the emotional wounds and physical wounds.
Yeah. So, in physical wounds, we have to decide resting time and what exercise we are doing. Ok.
So, in emotional wounds, what exactly does resting and exercising mean? And how do we decide what is the time for which? Yes, that. Because emotions are subtle and invisible, so it’s a little more difficult to decide. But basically, whatever activity we had been doing, and in that activity, we got a big joint, we got a big wound.
We were, say, exploring or pursuing a relationship or doing whatever it was. And when we try to, then that we get a lot of pain, then naturally we may not want to do that right now. So, whatever aspect of life in which we got the hurt, we may not want to pursue that again.
So, ok, if you don’t want to do this right now, that’s fine. Let’s stop right now. Ok, don’t move forward.
And relationships are a big issue in today’s world. So, if somebody goes through a bad relationship, then they may want to explore something further. But if you just, when you are wounded by one relationship and then you rush into another relationship, it’s not necessarily healthy.
Because we may go into that relationship not because that relationship is good, it is simply we want to forget this relationship. And that relationship may also turn out to have its own problems. You are not able to think properly.
So, resting means whatever is the activity in which we have been hurt, we don’t do that activity right now. Suppose somebody has been driving a car and they meet with an accident. They may be afraid, should I drive a car again? Ok, for some time you don’t drive a car.
So, now, what will be a reasonable time that varies from person to person? So, sooner or later we need to start with actually doing things. So, when we start doing things, then exercising, if we start doing things a little bit and then it just agitates us too much, then we may need a little more recovery time. Just like how do we do with respect to, if I got a fracture, a doctor may tell that after one week you start lifting your hand.
But if it causes too much pain, the doctor says ok, wait for a few more days. Some people after 3-4 days they may start lifting the hand. So, even in medicine, everything is not black and white.
There also there is a lot of individual variation. I was in America, I was in Phoenix at the airport. Somebody had given me some prasad and in that prasad somehow there was some date seed had been put over there.
By mistake it had fallen over. So, I ate that, my tooth broke. Everything else was soft and literally the tooth came out in my hand.
So, when we decided to go to doctor there, a simple tooth, if you want to do even a filling of the tooth, it will take 600 dollars. 600 dollars is almost how much? Is 35,000 rupees or something. So, I decided we will not do anything over there.
So, then we found that although the tooth had come out, but somehow I did not feel much pain at that time. So, doctor told me that if you are not feeling pain, you do not have to take a treatment. So, that means even when there is injury, how much pain who feels? They said that he gave me some pain medicine and he told me depending on how much pain you feel, you take the medicine.
So, there is individual variation among people at the level of physical pain also, similarly with respect to emotional pain. So, we need time to recover, but we also start after some time to start exercising and start doing that activity again. And then if that causes us too much agitation, we will stop a little bit and again start it.
But sooner or later we have to move on in life. Does that answer your question? Yes. Thank you.
Thank you, sir. When we have to so much identify with the body and the mind, yes, it is not that we give up our functional identity. It is that we add a deeper level of identity.
If you have seen the Bhagavad Gita, in 2.13 Krishna tells Arjuna, you are not the body, you are the soul. But the next verse 2.14, he says, Now, in this verse, he uses two names Bharata and Kunti and both are related with the body. If Arjuna is not the body, how is he the son of Kunti? If he is not the body, how is he the son, how is he the descendant of the Bharata dynasty? So, the functional identity cannot be rejected in this world.
It is just that we have to integrate it in the context of our fundamental identity. Most of the times, even when we are devotees, when we are functioning, even if a pure devotee, if they are going, say travelling somewhere, ask him, where are you from? They are not going to say Goloka Vrindavan. They won’t tell.
If you are an immigration, they will tell, okay, I am from this country. And if somebody asks, what is your identity? I am a spirit soul part of Krishna. We are not going to say that.
So, even if we are devotees, for most practical purposes, we have to function at the level of the functional identity. Chaitanya Mahaprabhu is himself Supreme Lord, is completely transcendental. But still, while acting in this world, he acted like a sannyasi for most of the time, almost all the time.
So, it’s not that we have to give up our functional identity. It is rather, only at the time when the functional identity and the fundamental identity come in conflict. That’s when we have to focus on the fundamental identity.
So, if our profession requires us to do something that is directly against bhakti, then we have to think, should I do this or maybe I have better things to live for in my life. So, in a conscious sense, it happens gradually that initially, Krishna is somewhere in the background for us. And what we are doing is very important.
If I am giving a class, then initially, say 20 years ago, when I first started giving classes, I was very self-conscious. How is the audience looking at me? Is the audience understanding what I am saying? And am I very presentable, this, that? But after giving hundreds of classes, now, okay, where I am speaking, whether it is India or America or Europe or wherever, after I start speaking, that goes into the background. What I am speaking, that comes more and more in the foreground.
Till now, I have not come to the level where I always think that I am speaking this for Krishna. But what I am saying is, there could be the external audience consciousness, there could be concept consciousness, and there could be purpose consciousness. What am I speaking, to whom, where I am speaking, to whom I am speaking, and why am I speaking? So, as we keep doing something more and more, gradually, the externals recede into the background.
And if you are practicing bhakti more and more, then what happens? The world, we are aware of it, but the world goes into the background, and Krishna becomes more and more foremost, comes more and more in the forefront of our awareness. So, it will happen gradually. If you just keep practicing bhakti, just by doing the activities of sadhana bhakti, and doing our work, and doing our various worldly responsibilities in the mood of service to Krishna, gradually, that fundamental identity will start coming more and more in the forefront.
And especially at times of crisis, when the functional identity leads us to some crisis, that time, if we take shelter of Krishna, then that’s when, normally, we serve Krishna through our functional identity only. Krishna told Arjuna, sarva dharman parityajya. But that did not mean that Arjuna became adharmic, isn’t it? Sri Prabhupada says in a lecture that even the hippies had practiced sarva dharman parityajya.
They had given up their family, their education, even their basic hygiene, everything they had given up. But he says, I taught them maam ekam sarva dharman parityajya. And that is the important thing.
So, we give up our… So, when Krishna tells Arjuna sarva dharman parityajya, after that Arjuna fights a war. So, he still uses his kshatriya dharma in Krishna’s service. So, for Arjuna, at the start of the Gita, there is a conflict between two dharmas, his kula dharma and his guru dynasty.
I have to protect the leaders of the dynasty. How can I kill them? But kshatriya dharma required that they are aggressors and they have to be punished. So, when these two dharmas pulled him in two different directions, he didn’t know what to do.
So, then Krishna told him, adopt that dharma, which allows you to serve me. So, suppose, you know, we are at home and there is a crisis at home. And office also there is some urgent obligation.
Now, these are two dharmas. What do you do at that time? That time we go back, okay, I’m a servant of Krishna, which is the most important sense for Krishna? What is the best way I can serve Krishna in this situation? Sometimes it may that the family business is more important, sometimes the profession is more important, that will vary. So, if we in the times of conflict or tension, we go back to our fundamental identity and based on that we make a decision, then gradually that will also deepen the awareness.
Okay. Thank you. There was a question behind.
Yes. Okay, good question. Yeah, I got it.
Okay, good question. So, if we feel ourselves hurt while doing something in our life, so should we go back to our fundamental identity and how much time and energy do we spend on doing this at that time? Basically, we all have to have a sense of perspective. So, Prabhupada writes in the 10th chapter of the Bhagavad Gita, buddhir jnanam sammoha, 10.45.4, that intelligence means to see things in their proper perspective.
And this is more important, this is less important. So, sometimes some things have to be tolerated, some things we have to act to deal with the situation. A simple example would be, say if you are driving, if you are travelling in a local and it is a completely crowded local.
There was one American who came to India recently, I met him in America. He said he read Bhagavad Gita, he read the yoga steps. He said, I just could not understand why would people think the world is a place of misery.
There is so much enjoyment in this world. So, he said he came to Mumbai and he came to the railway station and he saw people cramped in their roads. Yes, the world is a place of misery.
So, the world is a place of misery everywhere, but often we feel it is a place of misery when the misery is seen at a physical level. When the misery is at an emotional, psychological level, it is not seen so much and we do not feel it like that. So, in the western world also there is distress, but because the distress is internal, people do not feel it.
But in the third world, we often can see it very much. So, the point I am making is, suppose we are going in a local and then in that local, say we are standing and somebody comes and starts pushing us. Now, some people just want to show their strength, they start pushing us.
You think you are very strong, I will show you my strength. We push them back and then they push us and we push them back and they push and we push them back and we get so caught in pushing each other that our station comes and goes and still we are pushing. You want to show your strength, just move aside.
It is a small thing, just for maybe 15 minutes, half an hour, one hour you want to stand in the local, does not matter. So, it is a small thing. So, like that, sometimes somebody has pushed us, we feel a little annoyed, we feel a little angry, but we are not likely to meet them again, just move on, just forget it.
So, similarly for us, some wounds are just incidental, they happen in the course of life. So, just no need to rectify it, just move on, just tolerate it and move on with life. But suppose that person starts pushing us out of the train only, then that cannot be tolerated.
I say, no, I am a tolerant person, you just push me out. We have to take a stand at that time and maybe raise an alarm or push back or do something. So, now, how do we decide this? Based on what is important.
So, to see things in proper perspective means to understand what is more important and what is less important. So, if I am traveling in a local, getting to my destination is the more important thing. And where I stand, that is not so important.
So, tolerance simply means to keep small things small, so that you can focus on the big things. The big thing is to get to the destination, standing is a small thing. But if somebody starts interfering with the big thing itself, they start pushing out of the local, we cannot get to the destination.
Then that cannot be tolerated, because that is a big thing. So, similarly for us, if we are wounded, we have to see in the broad picture, how much does this wound matter? If somebody has got just a small sprain in their hands, and it does not matter at all, they can just go on with their normal life. But somebody got a small sprain in their hands, and their most of the work is typing on the computer, then they will need to give more time for that sprain to recover.
So, when we get wounded, we have to see how serious the wound is. And the mind can make even a small wound appear very big. That is why we have to see it in terms of our purpose.
What am I meant to do? And how much does this matter in that situation? And so, based on that, whether we just tolerate it and let it heal on its own or we take time out to let it heal. And when we are rectifying it, sometimes we may just be able to talk with that other person, clarify and deal with the situation. Broadly, I say that I have three words for this, when you face a problem, you can do one of three things, tolerate, mitigate or emigrate.
So, tolerate means just accept it, this is how it is. So, if somebody goes to a particular place, which is very cold, and again, it is cold, but this is where my job is, my family, let me tolerate it. Mitigate means get warm clothes, get good heating system, mitigate it.
Or I cannot manage it, so just go to some other place. So, similarly, in a particular situation, if we are hurt, then if it is just a one time occurrence that happens, circumstances are tolerated, something is happening repeatedly, then we may have to mitigate it or maybe inform the authorities, communicate with that person that this is what is happening, this is hurting you. And somehow no change happens, then emigrate.
Now, emigrate means when we go somewhere else, it is not running away from the problem. See, running away from the problem is when we go physically away, but our mind still says, this person is so bad, this person is so bad, this person is so bad. And your mental is still there, it is fighting against them, resenting them, cursing them.
But when we move away, when we emigrate, that means that I have better things to do in my life. I do not want to waste my time and energy in dealing with this issue. So, we move on.
So, when we, we all have to choose our patterns in life. We all face many difficulties. Prabhupada writes in the 7th Canto, Bhagwatam, Parpot, says we should always keep our mind, we should always keep ourselves healthy and stout in mind and intelligence to distinguish the goal of life from a life full of problems.
It is a very profound statement that we have to keep ourselves mentally and intellectually strong. For what purpose? That there is this problem, there is this problem, there is this problem, this problem. If we keep trying to fight all the problems of life, we just keep fighting endlessly.
So, he says distinguish the goal of life from a life full of problems. This problem, this problem, this problem. Like if I am in an ocean, the stormy wave is here.
I do not want to go get the stormy wave. So, I move in another direction where the ocean appears calm. If I get there, the stormy wave comes out there also after some time.
So, if I am in an ocean and my only goal is to get to the place where calm water is there. Even if I get there, the water will not stay calm. What I do when I am in an ocean is, where is my land? Where is the land? I keep going in that direction.
Sometimes the storms are so much so I may slow down, I may take a different track. But where we go is determined not just by where there are no storms. We go where our destination is.
Similarly, if we think every problem in my life I have to solve this, I have to solve this, I have to solve this and I spend all my energy in that. That is like trying to, trying to counter the waves or go to a place where there are no waves. It is just not going to happen.
So, he says we have to keep our interest strong and focus on the purpose of life. But sometimes for pursuing that purpose, if that problem is taking too much time and energy, we deal with it. Either by mitigating it or mitigating or sometimes we just tolerate it and move on.
Thank you. So, do any of the Mataji’s have any questions? Yes. I was in American temple.
So, there they said after every question by Prabhu there is a question by Mataji. So, well after that it moves like that. So, I do not, I cannot always do that.
At least we will have some questions. Yes. So, if we have an ongoing emotional pain because of a bad relationship, then what do we do? Yeah, it is a difficult situation.
It is something like a constant physical pain also. Like I said a fracture might be a one time event from which we recover. But if somebody has got a back issue, somebody has got arthritis, there is a constant pain.
Yes, sometimes there can be constant physical pain, sometimes there can be constant emotional pain also. Now, in such situations basically in every relationship there is some contribution and there is some expectation. What I do for the other person and what the other person does for me.
And if in a relationship the expectation is too high and the contribution is too little, then the relationship gets straight. And generally for us, when we are contributing in a particular relationship, we have certain expectations. And if those expectations are not fulfilled, we feel very, we feel very disappointed, we feel very distressed.
And instead of fulfilling the expectation, the person instead does the opposite itself. Then it becomes even more painful. So, basically every relationship begins with the promise that we can change others.
That oh, we have the control, I can fix this person. But over a period of time, this person just cannot be changed. This is just the way they are.
So, at that time, we basically have to decrease our expectation. It is not easy, but generally different relationships work best at different distances. At different distances means that some relatives, we can be very nice with them if you meet them once in three months.
But if you have to be with them constantly, it just becomes, they cannot manage with this person. So, now, it is one is just the intervention when we meet people, but also the distance in a relationship can also be in terms of the emotional proximity or the emotional investment. So, generally, if you just understand, okay, this person is like this, then decrease the expectation in the relationship.
So, as long as there is expectation, then there will be frustration. We just understand that this is the way this relationship is going to be. Then it is not that the pain will go away.
But the pain will become livable. See, broadly speaking in our life, we could say the world is reciprocal. Reciprocal means that if we give love, we get love.
But it is often that it does not work in a linear way. That means we give affection, attention, kindness to some person, and they just do not reciprocate. And that causes a lot of hard work, a lot of frustration.
But there may be others. We may have a friend, we may have someone else. They, even we give them a little time, but they give us a lot of attention.
They give us a lot of affection. Now, of course, so when we give love, we will get back love. But we may not get back by the same channel.
We get it from somewhere else. Now, that somewhere else, of course, has to be within the limits of dharma. But the point is that if we see that in some relationships, that those relationships rather than having an expectation, we do them more in a mode of service.
I was in Melbourne and one day we had written question answers. So, one devotee asked a question. He says, I have to do a service with some devotee and that devotee has told me on my face that he does not like me.
So, what can I do in such a situation? And if that devotee is here, what would you like to tell that devotee? So, and I explained that actually for us, the main difference between a devotee’s relationship with others and a non-devotee’s relationship with others is that for a devotee’s relationship, there is always a third person. A third person is Krishna. So, a third person is Krishna means that we act in that relationship not just to reciprocate with the other person, we act to please Krishna.
I said earlier that in the relationship, every relationship there is contribution and there is expectation. So, then I said that if it is a difficult relationship, just decrease the expectation. But we say if I decrease the expectation, then what is the point of continuing the relationship also? Why would I make a, if I do not get anything from the relationship, why should I make a contribution? We make a contribution in a mode of service to Krishna.
So, an example could be say, if we are in a, if somebody is working in a cloth shop and there are attendants over there, when a customer comes in, then all the attendants want to attend him because they sell a product that comes as a credit to them. But there are some customers who are extremely demanding. They will look at 100 dresses and they will not choose a single dress also.
And then the attendant has to sort all the 100 dresses and keep them there. Now, if some customers are repeatedly going to be like that, 100, they just make a lot of demands, find faults in everything and do not take anything. Then such a customer comes to the shop, normally all the attendants will move towards the customer.
But if such a customer comes, all the attendants will move away. But suppose an attendant attends that customer and is very courteous and polite and still that customer continues to be unreasonable. And the attendant knows that there are the cameras over here and the boss is watching.
And my salary is not just coming from this customer, my salary is coming from the boss. So, it may be that the attendant stays very polite and courteous and still the customer remains rude and demanding and just goes off. And they do not make the sale.
But the boss sees. And the boss comes and tells us, you are a cool guy. You know how to deal with difficult people.
And although the attendant did not make a sale, the boss may give a promotion. You take care of this whole floor and you train the other attendants how to deal with difficult people. So, from one perspective, that interaction was a failure because the sale was not made.
And nor was the customer satisfied. But from another perspective, the boss was satisfied. So, sometimes, some relationships for us are like that.
Some relationships, most of the times, all that we have to do is just make a contribution in that relationship, have less expectation and just do that. We are not doing that because that person is so good. We are doing that because we want to serve Krishna.
Of course, if things have become abusive and then we may have to ask them to decide what are the limits, where we need to draw a line. But broadly speaking, if we have that understanding that I do this as a service to Krishna, even if the other person does not reciprocate, I continue my service to Krishna. And we will grow by that.
We do not grow in our Bhakti just by coming to a temple or chanting Hare Krishna. This is an important thing, no doubt. But we grow in our Bhakti by our service attitude towards everyone.
Material consciousness means that as soon as we see someone, we think what can this person do for me. Spiritual consciousness means as soon as we see a person, we think what can I do for this person. So, expectation versus contribution, that is what defines spiritual material consciousness versus spiritual consciousness.
So, if we have this consciousness, then rather than seeing that as a burden, we see that. So, I know that if you have served with someone who is difficult, who is a difficult person, who does not like you, then treat it as if you are doing two services, not one service. One service is actually getting the thing done.
Second thing is behaving courteously with that person. And Krishna appreciates that also. In the Bhagwat, it is described that when Krishna got one Parijat flower for Rukmini, and then Satyabhama demanded.
And then Krishna got a whole tree for Rukmini, for Satyabhama. And then Krishna was expecting that Rukmini will demand something. But that Rukmini did not demand anything.
Krishna did not speak anything at that time. But later Krishna told, I was so pleased by this. So, sometimes we may be in a situation where the difficulties we are going through, we are tolerating, nobody even notices it.
Nobody even acknowledges it. But Krishna acknowledges. So, if we are in a difficult relationship, then we can see that relationship also as a service to Krishna.
Now, having said that, we do need to get some emotional strength from somewhere. There are some people associating with them gives us strength. They are cultured, they are kind, they are caring, they understand us.
And by that association we get strength. And there are some people associating with them takes our strength. So, we ourselves need a balance.
If we are only associating with people who take our strength, then eventually we will collapse emotionally. So, if there are some relationships which do take a lot of strength from us, to be tolerant, to be humble, to be considerate, then it is a service, we will do it. But we are, we also have our human limits.
So, then we need to have and we need to have some relationships which give us strength. And we need to make the necessary adjustments so that we give time for those relationships also. Just as if we are physically exhausted, we will take time to physically rest and recover.
Similarly, some relationships and interactions will emotionally exhaust us. So, then we need to take the time and we need to have the relationships by which we can emotionally regain our strength. That way we can go on in that situation.
So, do we have time? Yes. Okay. Yes, please.
So, if we operate mostly on the basis of fear and not so much of interest, it is not necessarily a bad thing. See, within fear also there are different kinds of fear. So, fear can be, oh, if I do not do this, I will be punished or I will get into trouble.
So, if I drive very fast in a car and that cop may catch me and they may give me a ticket, that is one fear. So, fear of the punishment for the action is one kind of fear. That is a low level fear.
But there could be another level of fear is fear of displeasing the loved one. If I do this, somebody whom I love, somebody whom I respect, somebody with whom I have close, they will be hurt and therefore, I will not do it. That is a better, more evolved, because it is more based on interpersonal relationships.
Then beyond that, yes, we could have interest, we could have affection. So, all of us in our lives, we often do many things. And some things we have the flexibility to do according to our interest.
Some things we have to do according to circumstance. So, during different phases in our life, it may be that sometimes we have to do more according to circumstance. According to circumstance means if I do not do it, I am going to get in a lot of trouble.
So, let me do it. But we also need some time in our situation, in our life when we can do things based on what we feel inspired to do, what we feel interested in doing. So, how to do this and when to do this, this requires some amount of immaturity.
Immaturity means that we understand that there are situations just like if the road traffic is very high, we go slowly. Traffic clears, we move faster. Sometimes circumstances mean such that if you do not do something, you are going to create a lot of trouble.
So, yes, let us do what is required at that time to avoid the trouble. But then it is not necessary that those kind of circumstances always be like that. So, when circumstances are somewhat better, then rather than being motivated by fear, we explore what is my interest.
What is it? All of us have been given certain talents. It is God who has given us our talents. Krishna said in the Bhagavad Gita, I am ability in man.
I am ability in people. So, to the extent we see our abilities as gifts given to us by God, we try to develop them. And generally, the more we practice bhakti, the bhakti calms our mind down.
And when our mind becomes calm, then we can understand ourselves better. We can understand our interests also better. Which interests are the splitting interests? Oh, this person is doing it, so I feel like doing it.
Which person, which thing are sustainable interests? This is what I want to do in my life. Otherwise, my life will be not meaningful. So, then that capacity to understand ourselves better becomes greater by the clarity that comes with the practice of bhakti.
And then gradually, we can shift from a fear-driven life to a more positively interest-driven life. So, thank you very much.