What is the difference between attachment and affection?

Transcript

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Thank you. Question, what is the difference between attachment and affection? Answer, they can be differentiated in three different ways. In terms of intent, in terms of content, in terms of consequence.
Broadly speaking, when we are, when we are intent, when we attach to someone, we want that pleasure. When we are affectionate to someone, we want their welfare. In some situations, the pleasure and welfare may work together.
In some situations, we do not. They may not. So, if our goal is simply, if the basis of our relationship is simply that we, we will do whatever the other person asks, just to please them without considering whether it is, what they are asking us to do is good or bad, then that is attachment.
But if we are concerned about their welfare and out of that concern, sometimes we refuse to do certain things, even if they want us to do them, because we know they will be harmful for them or they will be harmful for us. Then in terms of intent, it’s not that we won’t want them to be happy. It’s not, we want that pleasure certainly.
But, but that pleasure is not at the expense of the welfare. It’s like a mother who is attached to a child, may give that child chocolate, even if that child’s threads, his teeth are damaged, and eating chocolate will damage the child’s teeth further. But a mother who is affectionate to the child will refuse to give chocolates, knowing that this will harm the child.
So, that is at one level, we can differentiate between affection and attachment in terms of intent, that the driving basis of the relationship in the two cases is different. In one case, it is, we have to, in attachment, because we have to please the person, no matter what they want. And often that may make us give up ethics, our ethics, our morality, our sense of right and wrong.
So, in terms of now, if we move on to content, when we are attached to someone, quite often, the content of the relationship is dictated by one person, the person to whom we are attached. They decide this is what we are going to do, and we just don’t have the heart to refuse them. Because we can’t be displaced.
So, in attachment, there is what is called as co-dependency. One person becomes dependent on another, thereby being unable to think objectively. And indeed, it’s not just the pleasure of the other person, but quite often, it’s a very foundational self-conception itself, that a person thinks that my sense of self-worth depends on what this person thinks of me.
And they think, if they are displeased with me, then my life itself is not worth living. My whole life is a failure. That’s what we may start thinking, if we are attached to someone.
So, there is a huge amount of emotional dependency on someone else. And in affection, there is not that emotional dependency. That means we understand that I am a person in my own right.
You are that person. He is also a person in their own right. And we two are coming together to form a relationship.
No one person is going to dictate all the terms of the relationship. Of course, generally in a relationship, there may be that one person who may be in a more authoritative position than the other. That is fine.
But if someone’s basic sense of self-worth and it becomes dependent on someone else, then that person directs all the terms of the relationship. And that is not good. So, even in a spiritual mentor and mentee kind of relationship, if the mentor alone dictates all the terms and doesn’t consider the needs of the mentee, then the mentee will start feeling choked after some time.
So, on the other hand, if the mentor gives instructions that are not, that are too high at a level for the mentee to apply, then that could lead to problems for the mentee. And the mentee will feel choked. So, in the Bhagavatam, we have the example of Narad Guni telling Dhruva to tolerate the insult that his father inadvertently did by not letting him sit on a lap next to him.
But Dhruva candidly said, I can’t do this. And that did not stop him from attaining perfection. That did not comprise rejection of the spiritual master.
Narad Guni accepted that. Narad Guni appreciated Dhruva’s candor and gave him an alternative process for dealing with the situation. So, conversely, if the mentor has a very strong need to be needed, has a very strong need to be needed, then the result of that is, they may just spend time on somebody and then the mentee may dictate the terms of the relationship.
The mentee just comes with emotional problems, social problems, and the mentee simply wants solutions at that level and is not at all interested in practicing anything spiritual for raising one’s consciousness. So, then whatever the mentee is fully determining the terms of the relationship. So, Dhritarashtra and Duryodhana are examples of attachment where Duryodhana’s desires determine the whole terms of the relationship and Dhritarashtra was just a concenter or to some extent a participator in the schemes that Dhritarashtra and Duryodhana hatched.
So, in consequence, if we see a relationship that is based on attachment leads to distress for both. You mentioned a child who wants to eat chocolates, well have dental health issues because of the chocolate and the child will be in distress and the parents will also, the mother will also be in distress seeing the distress of the child. So, similarly, attachment in general does not lead to a fulfilling relationship but it leads to distress in relationships.
Conversely, if there is a greater sense of perspective and maturity, then what might be an attachment initially can grow into a affection. What is affection can also degenerate into attachment. So, we all have to keep observing what is the basis on which we are interacting with others.
What is the foundation? If the foundation is a highway, then it needs to be carefully observed and corrected. So, attachment can become affection if gradually a person who is excessively either dictating the terms of the relationship or the person who is allowing the terms of the relationship dictated, if either of them matures and becomes more involved, then the relationship can move towards healthy. Conversely, if one person becomes too dominant in the relationship, then the opposite can also happen that the relationship may degenerate from spiritual from a level of being affectionate to becoming attached.
Generally, if we have a spiritual perspective of things, if how can we rise from attachment to affection, if we connect with Krishna through the practice of bhakti, then that can give us a higher sense of things, a higher security with our sense of self-worth and self-identity comes from our relationship with Krishna. If we are secure and confident in that relationship, then we won’t be emotionally dependent on others and being not dependent on them, we will be able to say no to them when that is what is required. And by such willingness to say no, the relationship will rise from attachment to affection.
So the more we try to strengthen our relationship with Krishna and gain our sense of self-worth and security through that relationship, the more we will be able to rise from attachment towards affection. And it’s not a matter of just chanting a particular name, it’s more a matter of actually recognizing where our security is coming from and ensure that our security comes from Krishna. Thank you.