When a relative is materially abusive how should a devotee respond?
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This is a comment on the earlier question on a relative who appears hostile to our devotional practices, how should we respond? The comment is, as devotees we should always respect all living entities, leave alone close relatives. But how should we deal with relatives who are mentally and emotionally abusive to us at a material level? Not necessarily about our KC practices. For example, if a mother-in-law is always abusing her devotee daughter-in-law about not bringing enough dowry or not being good enough for the family etc.
In this instance, the mother-in-law is not hostile towards the devotional practices, but hostile towards the devotee at a material level. In such circumstances, how should the devotee respond? Is it better for the devotees to maintain a distance from the relative to avoid the abuse or to continue to serve the relative in line with the family-society responsibilities and tolerate the abuse? Abuse is a very broad term which can mean different things to different people and different things at different times. And certainly if there is physical abuse and if there is constant mental abuse, it's not that as devotees or even as self-respecting human beings we have to just undergo that mortification all the time.
No, we have to, material situations often need to be dealt with also at a material level in addition to a transcendental level. So in some situations, the mind makes the problem appear to be much bigger than what it is. All relationships come with their own baggages and no situation is pleasant always.
So when there are difficulties in a relationship, certainly the best attempts should be made to preserve it. But if that doesn't happen, then we can consult with other devotees and other family members and well-wishers and then decide what is to be done. So we see in the scriptures that there are varying levels of responses to varying levels of abuse.
In a sense, we can say that the Pandavas were abused by the Kauravas. But they tried to, especially Yudhishthir, even after Bhima was poisoned, he tried to maintain civil relationships with them. But eventually when Draupadi was disrobed and the Pandavas were dispossessed and even after the exile they were not given the kingdom back, then they had to take assertive action.
So in general, by as much as possible, does it mean that one lets oneself be tortured constantly? But in general, it shouldn't happen that because there are some difficulties, we think that some other situation will automatically be better. So there are two extremes. One extreme is snapping relationships just because there are some problems.
And the other is not doing anything and letting oneself be victimized for a long, long time without doing anything, without taking any constructive action. So as devotees, we want to improve our Krishna consciousness. And in material life, the mind always makes us feel that changing circumstances is the solution to our problems.
Now, circumstances, even if they are changed, they may temporarily become better. But after some time, again problems crop up. So only the change of circumstances helps us to improve our consciousness.
Now by consciousness, this doesn't necessarily mean just the devotional practices. It also means the overall mental and social situation by which we can focus on our devotional practices better also. Then one can separate or stay at a distance.
Not necessarily in terms of legal separation, but just maintaining a distance so as to not let oneself be abused. In the 7th canto of the Srimad Bhagavatam, in the 12th chapter, when Yudhishthira Maharaj is being instructed by Narada Muni about 14th chapter actually, ideal family life, there Sri Prabhupada mentions that if even a woman is in a family situation which is abusive, then she can stay at a distance from even her husband, what to speak of the in-laws. But these are not situations, options that one should adopt at small provocations that are inevitable.
So dowry trouble is a very unfortunate and heartbreaking reality of today's Indian society. And certainly whatever is required for rectifying the situation needs to be done. So this is a very specific problem and every situation because it is specific, no broad, no specific points can be told here.
But in general, the principle is that it is not just because we are devotees, we don't act at the material level when there are problems. There are three kinds of kleshas. Just as even after we become devotees, if we have Adhyatmik klesh, if we get some sickness, we go to a doctor, we do whatever is required to correct it.
Similarly, if there is Adhibhautik klesh coming from some relatives or family members, we also have to deal with it at a material level. And even if that is not anti-devotional, but if it's a material trouble, we cannot really separate the material and spiritual life of devotees. So whatever happens in the material life does affect the spiritual practices.
So therefore, one needs to carefully consider what the causes of the situation are and whether the situation is likely to improve and what one can do to improve it and whether one is doing that. But in spite of that, if the situation doesn't improve, it only worsens and it is just a constant torment. Then whatever is required, one has to do it.
It is not that because we are devotees, we become irresponsible. Nor is it that because we are devotees, in the name of being tolerant, we let others trample on us. Tolerance essentially means that, there is an article on the website on the power of humility and tolerance.
So tolerance essentially means that we don't let anything distract us from our purposes, from our spiritual purposes of life and our long term purposes of life. So whenever there are any distractions and irritations, one doesn't let oneself be distracted by them. That's essentially tolerance.
Tolerance doesn't mean impotence where one lets oneself be trampled. Actually, to stay focused in one's principles and one's purposes requires great strength of character. And so tolerance is not at all impotence.
Tolerance is actually based on a very strong resolve to stay fixed in one's purposes. And to not be distracted or disturbed by anything that deviates one from that. So certainly we can try to be sympathetic, kind and helpful, submissive to those who are being a little abusive.
And quite often things do improve if we do that. Ultimately, everybody has a heart. Although that heart may be presently covered by ego or greed or anger or whatever, but below that covering there is a heart.
And if we try to approach with humility and tolerance, then definitely the heart can be changed. But then in some people the covering may be so thick and the heart may be buried so deep that we may not be able to touch it immediately or even after some time. So then in that process we ourselves may get so troubled and so rattled that we may ourselves become dysfunctional.
So therefore, after considering one's situation very calmly and discussing with others, then one can decide what needs to be done in such a situation. Thank you.