When distancing ourselves from our desires isn’t enough what to do?

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Something is, say, somebody smoking is a deep-rooted habit. They don’t drink and they feel too much angry or too much worried.
And if the deep-rooted emotion is there, how do you deal with that? Distancing alone is not enough. Yes, distancing is, actually, most of the time it is not enough. Like that’s why I said, don’t focus on the circumstantial emotion, focus on the core intention.
So, for us, our habits serve certain needs. And unless those needs are addressed in a healthier way, it is difficult to give up that habit. Some people may smoke just because they want to hang out with a cool crowd, and that cool crowd is smoking.
So if they just change their association, they get better friends, just stop smoking. Because it was not serving any deeper needs, it was just serving the need for friendship. But for some people, smoking may be a coping mechanism.
Say, they feel lonely, or they feel depressed. And then, at that time, when that loneliness or depression comes, they smoke. So then it’s not just a matter of willpower, giving up smoking in that case.
Because when that particular phenomenon, loneliness or depression comes, they will have to go back to it. So, basically, often our cravings are unhealthy expressions of healthy needs. The need for company, the need for encouragement, this is a healthy need.
But it has become unhealthily expressed in smoking. So, to some extent, when a person is trying to give something up, and then they have a relapse, then rather than just beating oneself up and, all my effort went in vain, we often think of our self-discipline in terms of digital logic. If you succeed, then it’s one.
If you fail, it’s all waste. It’s not like that. Even if you succeed for some time, that is good.
And then, when the relapse occurs, you see, go back and look. What was it that triggered it? Then you can get better self-understanding. And if I understand this, this loneliness that triggered this, then maybe I need to have some close friend, whom I call at that time.
And who will be close enough that they will be available whenever I call them. And let me just talk for a few minutes, that sense of loneliness goes off, I feel a sense of connectedness, the urge becomes manageable. So, generally, I am working right now on a book on spirituality and addiction.
So, one of my friends was an addict and he used, they have Alcoholics Anonymous, like that there are many other anonymous, Foodaholics Anonymous is there, Smokers Anonymous is there. So, they have a 12-step formula. And in that 12-step formula, it’s only the first step that directly leads to addiction.
The remaining 11 steps are dealing with personal issues. It’s more of understanding ourselves and changing our relationship with ourselves. So, that requires a good amount of work.
So, I would say that if he could find out, what exactly is the need that is being served, and try to create a healthier way to deal with that. Or some people just feel frustrated. And when frustration is there, at that time they just smoke.
So, in frustration, some other way it has to be channeled. Maybe at that time you just go and do a heavy workout. Or do something to just drain that choked energy that is there.
So, you have to find out a healthier way to address that need. For many people, say, who get addicted to net surfing, or something like that, it’s not that what they surf on the net is so attractive. It’s quite often that that has become their default response to boredom.
Whenever I feel bored, just go on the net and start surfing something. Now, unless I find a healthier way to deal with my boredom, that default response will keep coming. Even if I cut off access to the net, from the net, even if I do a hundred other things.
So, it won’t work because that need is there. So, I would say that if you learn to understand the need, and then find a healthier way to address that need, then giving up that habit becomes much easier.