When we have emotional expectations from devotees and are disappointed can we seek emotional nourishment from Krishna alone and not strive for deep relationships with devotees

Transcript

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Krishna, if a senior devotee who used to care for us earlier, because of certain events, stops caring for us and continues caring for another devotee who is our equal, then we start feeling disappointed. So is it better to have only a formal relationship with devotees and not have emotional expectations from them? Hence we try to just focus on developing our relationship with Krishna and thereby avoid this problem of emotional dependence on other devotees because that way if we are not emotionally dependent on others, then we can be peaceful. But when we are emotionally dependent on others, then we feel disappointed and that can distract us from our sadhana and make us restless.
Can a sadhana get adequate emotional nourishment just by chanting and devotional activities without developing a relationship with other devotees? The answer is certainly a situation where we are emotionally disappointed can be disturbing and the greater the emotional expectation, the greater the disappointment, the greater the disturbance in our spiritual life. So these situations need to be dealt with maturely, making for our emotions to calm down and not rushing into those situations and reacting to them. So the first point is that we need to realize that devotees are also human beings and they have human limitations.
Even very advanced devotees, they may be spiritual masters, they may be very senior devotees, they may have a lot of potency and ambition, but they also have to include others in their daily life. And that is why it is not possible for them to express their love and care for others as much as they would like to. And also certainly not all human beings are of the same nature.
Some may be influential, some may be slow, some may have a tendency to express care, others may care, but we don’t express it. Others may have so many other services, they may have their own challenges, they may not have the mind to be caught into many other things. And it’s not that they don’t care for us, but they have just too many other cares to attend to.
So we shouldn’t see the lack of care as a rejection of ourselves or as a minimization of ourselves. That is very important. Another point is that when we are in the initial stages of our spiritual life, we are like small children.
So when a child is very small, the mother often cares for the child. When the child grows up, also the mother cares for the child. But the care is often expressed in different ways.
The mother may pat and embrace and carry the child on her lap when the child is small, but that won’t be the same way when the child is grown up. So the expressions of affection change, the expressions of care alter, depending on the growth of the child. The same applies in spiritual families also.
When we are new to Krishna Consciousness, devotees will care for us in direct and externally visible ways. But as we grow up in our spiritual life, it is understood that we will take responsibility for ourselves. And when we take responsibility for ourselves, naturally those same external ways of caring may not continue.
Now, we should interpret this as a lack of care, but also see it as a lack of maturity, as a development of maturity rather. And over a period of time, we will take care by taking up cares. It means by taking up responsibilities of sharing Krishna Consciousness, we can get care for our junior years also.
And as I said, Krishna Consciousness is one particular senior devotee. We can also clarify with that devotee. So, now the idea of not expecting anything from anyone can actually keep us emotionally stable.
It can also make us emotionally dry. So, ultimately we think about relationships. The relationship with Krishna means leveling up to our relationship with devotees.
That’s why it’s important that we have some level of satisfying relationship with devotees also. Now, we can of course be selective. If we find that a particular devotee is unable to reciprocate with us for whatever reasons, then we need not have that kind of a restriction from that devotee.
But we need to find out some other devotees. And if we feel that there is a need in our spiritual life, then we can even, either under our counsellor or some other senior devotee, we can expect that, we can express that also. And another senior devotee understands it.
Those senior devotees can also please promote specific attention. So, in some cases, the same activity can be interpreted in two different ways. When a bird is growing up, the bird is initially in the nest, the bird is developed by the mother bird.
When the bird grows up, develops its wings, the bird is told to send out of the nest. So, now that the bird is in the nest, can be interpreted by that bird, that a small baby bird is grown up now. If my mother is now sending me out of the house, now, I’m grown up, so my mother is helping, my mother is trusting me.
By showing that, she knows that I can fly on my own. So, that means, if we don’t get the same level of love and care as we got in our early days, that doesn’t necessarily mean negligence. That can also mean an indication of trust in our maturity.
So, we don’t have to necessarily interpret it negatively. Of course, we cannot just imagine everything to be positive all the time. So, some devotees, they may just have too many services, or their services may change, situations around them may change, they may not be able to give so much time.
So, we do need some satisfying relationships, and we may have to spend some time to find out where we can get those satisfying relationships. And wherever we get them, we should invest in. Generally speaking, relationships grow like trees.
Initially, when we plant the tree, actually the tree doesn’t offer anything. We know we have to offer water, we have to offer protection. And then, later on, when the tree grows, there is opposition.
So, relationships are like that. We may not get anything immediately in the relationship. We may keep investing, but we don’t get it.
But with whom we invest, we will have to check that. And if we find that some other devotee is getting more attention, is still continuing to get attention, or getting more attention, then there can be various reasons for it. One is that, maybe that devotee is taking more responsibility, doing more services.
And because of that, it’s natural reciprocation. That devotee may be cared for more. Otherwise, we just see that that senior devotee and that equal devotee, their natures may gel much more than what ours gel with that senior devotee.
So, that’s why more time may be spent with that person. Or it may also be that, some things may have happened, because of which that devotee may be in more trouble and may need more care in that particular dream. Whereas, we do not know the background of that devotee.
So, often, interpreting others’ behavior and attributing causes to those behaviors can cause a lot of unnecessary mental trouble for us. So, therefore, it’s best in relationships to clarify expectations. So, clarifying expectations means that if we feel the need for care, then we can tell also, not everybody, but some senior devotee with whom we are close, and with whom we have some experience, when you call me and ask me how I am doing, I feel cared for and protected.
So, the devotees know that. Now, not everybody always feels seen. Some devotees may feel that when somebody is being asked, they may feel that rather than it being a sign of care, it may be a sign of interrogation.
So, different people can interpret the same actions differently. That’s why in relationships, one of the biggest causes of turbulence is unclarified expectations. So, in this way, by firstly clarifying our expectations, by firstly understanding our own nature, that if I need emotional support, I need to feel cared and valued, which all of us do, then I have to find the right devotees who will offer that.
Some other devotees have been offering us earlier, not offering now. There can be various factors for that. It may just be that not that they neglect us or they don’t care for us, but there is nothing that we can make sure.
If they offer that to somebody else, there will be certain reasons for that. So, we can find out those devotees who can offer us that care and clarify our expectations so that we can avoid these mental complexes of observing behaviors and attributing causes to them. So, regarding dependence on Krishna, certainly in our life, situations will come when there will be no one around us to support us and we will have to lean on Krishna.
Somehow, those whom we love and trust, they may not be available or whatever. Such sort of situations will come and we will have to lean on Krishna at that time. But we shouldn’t cultivate that as a desirable practice.
Why keeping distances from others? Because our relationship with Krishna develops very organically, organically means naturally, when we develop relationship with those who have this relationship with Krishna. So, regarding becoming more dependent on Krishna, life itself will provide us situations where we will have to become dependent on Krishna. But we don’t have to do that as a virtue while living in those situations.
Certainly, we have to be selective. Which devotees will offer us the right nourishment, we will have to select that carefully