When you say that you are struggling with selfish desires, what do you mean?

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Transcript

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I have written in my blog that I am also struggling with selfish desires. So what does that mean? See, it’s very difficult to know our own motives. Actually, in many ways, we are a mystery to ourselves.
Some people want to read some mystery fiction, some mystery novels, but we are ourselves a mystery, in the sense that sometimes we do something and we say, why did I do that? So why did I do that means, then who did that? You only did it. No, no, but there’s something, some strange influence came to me and we did that. So basically there are, we ourselves, our consciousness, our mind is complicated.
So rather than thinking of whether somebody is selfish or selfless, we can see our desires as multilayer. Multilayer means, I could say that at least as an overall life direction, yes, my desire is to serve Krishna, to glorify Krishna, to develop devotion to Krishna. But it’s not that there’s only that desire.
From our past conditionings, from our social situation, so many other desires are there. Now we all try to battle with those desires and try to restrain those desires. But when we are doing a particular thing, it’s not so easy to understand for ourselves also, why am I doing this? So basically, I write.
Now, why do I write? I could say that I want to glorify Krishna. Okay, that’s true. But is that the only desire, only reason? I don’t know.
I like writing. If I had not been fortunate enough to encounter the path of Krishna Bhakti through devotees, maybe I would have been a writer and I would be writing on some other subject. So I could say that I’m writing because that’s what my body and mind are best suited for.
So that’s just my, I’m acting according to my nature. But because I’m on the path of Krishna Bhakti, so I’m writing for Krishna. But then I could also say that I’m writing because I want people to recognize what talents I have, what contributions I’m making.
I can’t say that that desire is not there. Hopefully that is not my driving desire, but that desire is also there. So all these are mixed up.
And the way we grow in our spiritual life is by gradual purification of intent. It is not that we start with pure intent. And sometimes we come to know, oh, this I was doing, actually I was doing it for, it is primarily driven by my own self-centered desires.
Then, okay, I should not do this. Or, okay, I was going off this track and I’ll come on this track. So we see that desires, the desires are not uniform, they are multi-layered.
So, for example, now, many times after a class, if somebody comes and say, I like the class, I usually ask them, what did you like in the class? So now I ask this question specifically to generally to understand that, you know, what is it that I speak many points in my class, so which points the audience connects with. And many times through that I learn what points I can elaborate on more, what points I can address in my future classes. And so that’s my motive.
But I was talking with one devotee, one senior devotee, and he appreciated my class. And this devotee is very incisive. He is known to, what is the word they say, to do open heart surgery without anesthesia.
So it was a great class. And then I asked him, so what did you like about the class? Why are you fishing for compliments? So I thought, am I really fishing for compliments? Maybe. At least that’s not my conscious objective.
But I don’t know. Subconscious that might be a desire. I remember one time, there was one devotee who came after class with a broad smile on his face.
That was a terrible class. And he had a broad smile on his face. What’s going on? I was shocked.
Smiling. The terrible class. That’s what you mean.
And then I understood he actually meant terrific class. So the way we become purified, very few of us actually start with pure desire. It is the mix of various motives with which we are serving Krishna.
And as we keep serving Krishna, gradually we become purified. So in many ways, as a speaker, you know, you can, as we keep serving Krishna, we start realizing that we are not the doers. Sometimes I prepare a class very systematically.
And then when I give the class, throughout the class, the audience is sitting as if, you know, it’s like they are watching a foreign language movie without subtitles. And then nobody connects with anything. And sometimes I’m just tired and I don’t have much time to prepare and I give a spontaneous class and people are overwhelmed.
Such a brilliant class. Really. So you start understanding you are not the doer.
Not that you are not the doer, but you are not the soul doer. So basically, to conclude this, there was a nice incident of Prabhupada. He had come to a temple and there was a disciple of Prabhupada who was doing kirtan, very sweet kirtan he would do.
And Prabhupada, as if Prabhupada came to temple to take darshan and Prabhupada just patted him on his back and he says, nice kirtan. And now he thought I’ll never get a social master again. And he says, but Prabhupada, sometimes I feel proud.
And Prabhupada again patted him on the back and says, what’s wrong with that? And walked off. Now what is wrong with pride? Pride is one of the anarthas. It is so terrible.
Prabhupada said, what’s wrong with that? And what Prabhupada meant by that was, it’s not that we, right from the starting practice of bhakti, will be free from pride. So we all have pride within us. And sometimes if somebody can sing very nicely, and they think I will not sing, because if I sing, I’ll become proud.
But then what happens? They don’t do that singing service. Somebody else does that service. And then they are praised.
You feel envious. Why is this person being praised so much? So that pride comes out as envy. Another thing is, it’s not that when you think that if I sing nicely, then I’ll become proud.
Thinking like that itself is pride. Why? Because you are thinking you are not proud right now. See, pride is there in our heart already.
But what is it that we already have pride, but we have no reason to express that pride. I already have pride, but there is nothing which I have done for which I can be proud. So it’s not that we are free from pride.
So the cure for pride is not suppression of talent. The cure for pride is purification of intent. So yes, I might be speaking about Krishna, singing about Krishna, and I might be, it might be bad pride.
But after some time, as we keep doing that service, we will realize that actually whatever praise I might get from others, that is not as fulfilling as just the absorption in Krishna through this service. I once gave a class and I prepared, I was very absorbed in preparing the class and I delivered the class very well. And after that class, not a single person came and appreciated the class at all.
I was initially feeling a little annoyed, but sometimes by Krishna’s mercy, when I go through some difficulties, it’s like almost like I see myself from outside my body. Now look, it’s like self-examination basically. And it struck me at that time, while you were preparing for the class, you were absorbed, while you were delivering the class, you were absorbed.
And now you are agitated, you are dissatisfied. I said that actually, even if somebody had come and appreciated, that would have been for a few moments. I might have felt good and then I would have forgotten that.
The real purpose of speaking about Krishna is not appreciation from others. The real purpose of speaking about Krishna is absorption in Krishna. That absorption is what we ultimately want to attain Krishna.
And absorption will actually give us far more lasting satisfaction than any appreciation. Now we get appreciation, we can see that as encouragement. Okay, Krishna has gifted me in this way and this is where I can serve more.
But that is not our purpose. But if I had not spoken, I would not have got this experience. I would not have got this realization.
So basically, we all may have selfish desires. We don’t know. We don’t know what is driving us right now.
But it is by serving Krishna, by connecting with Krishna, that whatever selfishness is there will be exposed and then it will be expelled. I was doing this because of, I am feeling bad because I was doing this for my own glorification and not getting it right now. Okay, but am I really doing this? Should I be doing this for my own glorification? How much I want to get by that? Absorption is much better.
So in that sense, rather than claiming that I am driven only by selfish desires or I am driven only by selfish desires, recognize that our desires are multilevel. And by the practice of bhakti, we will move towards purer and purer. Does it answer your question? Yes.