How can we deal with the doubts that obstruct us in our relationships with others?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
So, fear stops us in developing horizontal relationships because of some bad experience in some relationships.
Then how are we ever going to develop relationships also? Yes. See, the doubt is not always bad. In the Bhagavatam, third canto, when Krishna talks about the function of intelligence, first function he says is doubt.
Samishaya. Now, a foolish person cannot doubt. Foolish person believes whatever they are told.
To be able to doubt requires intelligence. So, but doubt is a characteristic of intelligence. But doubt is not the only characteristic of intelligence.
If I always keep doubting, that is also a problem. So, a simple example to illustrate this. Now, suppose we are in our house and somebody knocks on the door.
Now, who knows it might be a thief, it might be some antisocial element. Now, if you just open the door for anyone and everyone, we may be robbed, we may be injured. So, we ask who is there, we look through a security window or whatever.
So, that to have some amount of doubt is good. But suppose somebody who is a relative, somebody is a loved one, and because of doubt we do not open the door even for them. Then that doubt is not protecting us, that doubt is imprisoning us.
So, doubt is good, but we should see doubt in the overall context. We doubt and use our intelligence and then we go beyond doubt. So, if we have bad experiences, and we all have bad experience sometimes in relationships.
So, we need to be cautious, we need not be so impetuous in our relationships. But as we take slow steps, maybe one step and see how the other person responds, take another step and then we see how the other person responds. And based on that, we can develop the relationship more gradually.
If we develop hastily, we may regret. But if we do not develop at all, then we will sentence ourselves to loneliness. And we also undercut our potential for contribution.
We can contribute when we have relationships. So, maybe we can be more cautious and also we can try to observe and learn that what is our nature, what is other people’s nature. When we talk about self-realization, it is not just realizing ourselves as Atma.
It also means realizing ourselves as the body and the mind. That does not mean I am the body and I am the mind. But I have a particular kind of body.
I have a particular kind of mind. And they will have certain needs. Just like if I have a particular kind of body, then I have to find out what kind of food is healthy for me, what kind of food is not healthy for me.
Even if the menu is something else, I may have to be discreet and choose. So, just as we do that for the body, and we learn that. Nobody else can tell us what is good and what is not good.
Some doctors may tell, but different doctors have different opinions. Ultimately, we have to decide. So, just as we learn about our own body and take care of our physical health, similarly, we need to learn about our mind and learn to take care of our mental health.
So, if we find that certain kinds of people, we tend to become too impulsive and then we go too close and then afterwards we go too far or whatever, then as we learn about our own mind and our own emotions, we can also learn how to be cautious, at the same time, take steps forward. So, learning about our mind is quite important. And journaling can help us in this.
As long as the thoughts are in our head, they just consume the space and we cannot evaluate much. So, if we sometimes put our thoughts down, if you have some very strong experience, whether positive or negative, just write them down, then the temperature of the emotion goes down. Because when thoughts come out of the head, there is distance itself, some objectivity is created.
And then we can evaluate, I am feeling like this. But is it true? Maybe this is not exactly the way it was. Maybe something else could have happened.
So, basically, by getting the thoughts out of the head and then evaluating them, what we do is we make our intelligence the counselor of our mind. We make our intelligence, because the thoughts are there in the mind. And if we keep them there, we cannot suppress them for long.
But sometimes if I am very angry with someone, then I write a mail, just blasting that person. But then if I do not write that mail, I feel like there is a pressure cooker inside me, which is about to burst. But then I write the mail, but I make a policy never to send that mail.
So, at least 24 hours I keep that mail. And after that when I evaluate, I find this is too harsh. And sometimes I may scrap the whole mail.
Sometimes I may edit the mail. And then I may put the same thing in softer words. And when the emotions go down, then we can ourselves evaluate.
So, bhakti is not about denying human emotions. If we have been hurt in a relationship, that hurt is real. If you feel angry with someone, that anger is real.
We cannot artificially wish away that anger. But we have to express it in a proper way. So, by journaling, or it can be by discussing with other devotees also.
But we live in such a fast life that often other devotees do not have the time to exactly understand what we are. So, journaling also, at least it has helped me. And I see it as using the intelligence to counsel our mind.
And usually, even when I have to counsel senior devotees, if I have done some journaling and introspected adequately, then I can ask also more meaningful guidance from seniors. Because I have understood myself better, then I can present my problem also better. And then I find that the guidance also helps me more.
So, essentially trying to come to sattva guna, and then from progressing in a guarded way, thoughtful way, that is the way we can overcome the fear in relationships. Thank you very much.