How can we ensure that honest communication doesn’t become Vaishnva apradh?

From Aravind P

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Question from Aravind Prabhu.
How can we differentiate between honest communication and Vaishnava pradha? Sometimes when we have some trouble with somebody’s behavior, how do we ensure that we do not commit an offense? We can’t stay silent because we feel too troubled by that behavior, but we feel afraid to speak because that may offend the person. What if that person is a senior, especially like our counselor? Answer. Sincerity of intention and sensitivity of communication are the keys to ensure that Vaishnava pradha doesn’t happen.
If you look at the scriptures, there are many instances of honest communication happening, even when the communication is unpalatable. We see that Chaitanya Mahaprabhu even spoke to his seniors. When one of his spiritual masters, Godbrother, Ramanand Bharati, he came along and he was wearing an alliance skin, the dress of a Yogi.
Chaitanya Mahaprabhu did not wear a because he did not like devotees giving undue importance to the path of yoga. And he said that when he was told that Ramanand Bharati has come, he said, yes, I want to meet him and I’ll go to meet him. But when he saw him, where is Ramanand Bharati? He said, oh, he’s here right in front of He said, this person cannot be Ramanand Bharati.
He won’t wear a yogi’s dress. So then at that time, Ramanand Bharati understood that this did not please Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and then he changed immediately, and then Chaitanya Mahaprabhu offered him obeisances and gave him all honour as his guru’s godbrother, equal almost to his guru. So the point is that we shouldn’t, if we don’t have honest communication, then at one level there will be no standards left, because everybody will be afraid, even if somebody else is deviating from the standards to tell that person.
And also, there cannot be any genuine relationships between the If we have some concerns about someone else’s behaviour, and if we don’t get clarifications and rectifications, clarifications may be that the person may not be doing anything wrong, and we just have a misunderstanding about that behaviour, or rectification means that person is doing something wrong, and that person needs to change. Either way, if there is no proper communication, then there will just be a superficial relationship based on a show of respect, whereas internally there are doubts, or there is even resentment. And this is definitely not what Vaishnava culture is all about.
So, we definitely need to have honest communications if we want to have deep relationships. And therefore, it is important that if we have some concerns, we speak them. But there should be sincerity of intention.
That means, our goal is not to put down the person, we are not envious of that person, that that person has so much respect, although that person has so much faults, why are people respecting? The faults of the person should come to be known, so that then the respect that the person is getting will decrease. And indirectly, the hope is that I will get more respect. So, when this is the intention, when this malice is there, then that is a serious aparadha.
So, Ramachandra Puri, for example, another god-brother of Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, spiritual master, when he came, he was finding faults with all the devotees, because he did not like, he was an impersonalist, and his heart was hard, and he just could not appreciate the devotees being so happy, chanting, dancing, singing, and finally he found fault with Chaitanya Mahaprabhu also, and it is said that eventually he fell away. So, the fear of Vaishnava aparadha is good, but that should not make us paranoid about doing wrong, about not speaking honestly. If our intention is sincere, that means we want clarification, we want the good of the community, we want the health of the relationship, we want the good of the particular devotee involved, or we want just our own clarification so that we can be peaceful, then in this case, making an inquiry or making a statement is not considered an offense, and beyond that, the sincerity of intention alone is not enough.
There has to be sensitivity in communication. If a person has some behavior which seems to be objectionable, we should not speak it in a public forum, certainly not in the absence of that person, and even in the presence of that person, it should not be spoken publicly, because that can be quite embarrassing, and that can put the person on the defensive, and once a person goes on the defensive, it becomes very difficult to make effective changes. So therefore, in a private forum, respectfully, where first we appreciate that person, that person’s contribution, that person’s help to us and to the movement and to the society at large, whatever is appropriate according to time, place, circumstance, and then we speak whatever is burdening our mind.
When we do this, this is definitely not an offense. This is actually a way to deepen the relationship, and is one of the limbs of devotional service. This doesn’t just mean talking about Krishna, it also means talking about the things that are obstructing us in our journey towards Krishna, and if the behavior of some devotee is obstructing us, then talking about in a constructive way so that that can be dealt with is within the realm of guhyamakhyati prichyati, because it is connected with Krishna.
If it is just gossiping without any if it is a solution to that problem, then that definitely is undesirable. That should not be done. That can border on offense.
It can even become a serious offense if it is false and if it is malicious, but even if it is true and it is well-intentioned, talking behind the back of a person when it is not necessary is undesirable. So, the sincerity of intention and the sensitivity of communication will ensure that honest communication, honest discussion doesn’t become a vaishnavaprati. Now, in spite of having both these, sometimes the devotee may still feel hurt and we can try to do what is possible to minimize the hurt, but sometimes reality can be hurting and that has to be communicated in as sensitive and as well-wishing a way as possible.
If beyond that somebody gets offended then it feels offended and that’s not a vaishnavaprati in the sense that Krishna is not going to hold that against us. Krishna is not going to take away our spiritual advancement because of that because we were not doing anything to hurt anyone. We were only seeking clarification and rectification for our own steadiness in Krishna consciousness and possibly for that person’s benefit.
So, of course, all this is based on the idea that there is something wrong. If there is nothing wrong and if the clarification shows that there was nothing wrong and the perception was wrong from our side then we can even seek an apology for that situation so that we don’t unnecessarily hurt the relationship. Our Vaishnav relationship should be based on not the fear of offense but on the desire to please Krishna and to help each other go closer towards Krishna.
And the fear of offense should help us to not do those things which will displease Krishna. But our central concern in our Vaishnav relationship should be that we and others through that relationship move closer towards Krishna. And if for that purpose some discussion is required then that definitely is not Vaishnav Prat.
Thank you.